keremdogulu

[keremdogulu]

Kerem felt the warmth of the morning sun streaming through the curtains as he gradually drifted back into consciousness, into a world where he forgot for just a moment that his best friend was still here, that his fiancée was no longer...his. He didn't feel completely alone in this world. Blinking away the haze of sleep, finally became aware of the soft rustle of sheets beside him, his head turned with a snap, as bounds of dark hair caught his dark eyes.

Emine.

For just a moment, he stared, taking in the softness that was emitted from her face while she slept, swept away in another world, unaware of the life that waited for her when she woke. That pain. It felt never-ending, but for just a moment he suspended belief and stayed there. Here.

For just a moment longer. And when he shifted sometime later, he noticed her stirring finally, her gaze meeting his as she turned to face him.

Kerem considered her question for a moment, and despite the uncertainty of their circumstances, with last night, how they'd ended to how they'd come to be here: in bed together. If there had been a sense of peace in her presence, it was there now.

"Better than I have in a while," he admitted quietly, his gaze meeting hers with a hint of gratitude. "Thank you—for staying." he hesitated, watching her carefully because there were eggshells everywhere and he wasn't sure how much longer this bubble would last before it burst.

Reality had a way of being like that.

where: Kerem's home. who: @keremdogulu when: 24th of March, 2024 - late afternoon

Hands reach up over her head, legs stretching out along with her toes, letting that feeling settle in after stirring from her slumber. It was the scent that hit her first, eyes shooting open that she glanced over to find a very familiar body next to her.

Kerem.

She remembers leaving Hasan and Ophelie, not able to go home until she had found him, making sure he was safe. They had left together and with how the night turned into a complete disaster, that, against better judgement, she stayed with him. Nothing happened in that context, but for the first time in weeks, Emine felt like she had slept.

She glances down, shaking her head at the sight of being in one of his shirts. It was the slight shift in the bed that she knew he was awake.

"Afternoon," she turns slowly to face him, noticing that they had separate blankets altogether. "How did you sleep?"

#emine--yalaz #emine & kerem #post event #after math

[keremdogulu]

Kerem: I went for a walk in the gardens. Kerem: You? Everything okay?

Text: @keremdogulu

Emine: Where are you?

#emine--yalaz #pre plot drop #event ; awards 24 #after party ; 24 #texting: emine #text messages #location: berkeley estate

[keremdogulu]

The turmoil within him, memories of Berat, Emine, and Nevra, it churned like a stormy sea, torn between the past and the present, between his loyalty to Emine and the undeniable pull he felt towards Nevra. But that was all...just noise in comparison to the loss they'd gone through. It tore him to shreds, to bloody ribbons.

Even sat there, these diamonds felt filthy, he shouldn't be wearing them.

Stood there, grappling with these attacking emotions, memories of Emine flooded his mind like a relentless tide. There was so much about her he missed, the quiet and the loud. She had been his anchor, with everything that had transcended. This loss, though? Could he move past it? Did he want to? Berat wasn't a subject he'd ever be ready to be over, and he was sure it was something similar to how Emine felt. And Ayda...Leyla. Even fucking Ayaz.

The ache in his chest deepened as he replayed their shared history, the laughter, and tears, the unspoken promises of forever. But now, those memories were tainted with regret, stained by the knowledge that he had failed her in the worst possible way.

Ayda would always be Berat's. As Emine had been his.

And Nevra...and Berat. He didn't even care anymore. Had it been worth it? Was this truly his fault because of his reaction? "You read too many of those books," Kerem grumbles, a sad smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "She's a friend, and I'm not gonna' try and get some kind of sick revenge on my dead best friend. I have more class than that."

Emine didn't care about the reaction he would give her; that wasn't entirely true. It was hard to separate them considering how long she had loved him and their four years together.

How could he give up that easily?

It didn't help how drop dead gorgeous Ayda looked and how well they both looked walking in together. It made her feel small, smaller than she actually was.

"I don't know what you're thinking, Kerem." The last time she had seen him was when she delivered the news about her brother. One night together.

Her hand waves in the air, trying to keep her emotions at bay. "Yeah, well isn't there this trope of best friends turned lovers." Was she being ridiculous? Yes! The hurt was too much to keep in.

This was her way of saying she was lost without him.

#post awards #emine--yalaz #emine & kerem #event ; awards 24 #location: royal albert hall

[keremdogulu]

can yaman (1989, turque)

#kerem dogulu #visage #musing

[keremdogulu]

Texting - Hasan.

Kerem: As much as I fucking hate this. Kerem: I think we need to sit down and talk about our position. I don't want to have a chat, but we need to at least hear each other out. Kerem: After Berat, after...this.

#hasan & kerem #texting: hasan #hasan demir #post event #post plot drop

[keremdogulu]

Kerem: I went for a walk on the grounds, I'm fine. Kerem: Are you? What the hell is going on? Kerem: Is it chaos in there?

Ayda: where are you?

Ayda: are you okay?

#ayda--demir #ayda & kerem #text: ayda demir #post plot drop #event ; awards 24 #after party ; 24 #location: berkeley estate

[keremdogulu]

KEREM DOGULU | AFTER PARTY 2024

Accompanied by: @ayda--demir When: 23rd of March, 2024. Where: Berkeley Estate.

#attire #event ; awards 24 #ft. ayda #post awards #awards 24

[keremdogulu]

By the way, his hair stood on the back of his neck, he should've known she was approaching. In the way his chest constricted so unnaturally he wasn't sure he'd ever walk away from the encounter. The news still rang loud and clear, like a constant loop in his head that wouldn't turn off.

Kerem wished there was so much he could change, was this the plan for his life? Was this his path? To lose everyone he loved, or kept close due to his own actions? Because he'd done all of this.

Destroyed everything they were. Emine, Berat, Nevra -- death would've been kinder than this torture he was left to bare on his soul like a sign that told him he brought deaths, small and large to those who got too close to him.

lā ʾilāha ʾillā llāh

"I'll meet you outside," Kerem spoke quietly to Ayda, the smile never quite reaching his eyes. Loss leaked from every part of him, in his posture, in his eyes, and his facial features. There was no escaping it. His award was right there, but the look he gave the one in her hand was enough to leave him standing there, speechless.

Kerem stared at her, unable to move, breathe.

Those words though, inflicted nothing but a shake of his head.

"You think after everything that's happened -- that's what I'm thinking about? Emine, god." He huffed a humorless laugh, eyes finding the floor. This was fucked. "She's my longest, dearest friend."

Emine had avoided him from the second she walked into the hall. She didn't trust herself on many levels and she had promised those close to her that she wouldn't cause a scene.

Rage stewed in the pit of her stomach when he walked in with Ayda, even though, rationally, she knew they were here as friends and to support each other. Still didn't mean she didn't like the idea of him with someone else.

No matter where she turned she saw him, noted the way he would go the opposite way of her. She didn't know how to feel about that.

With the awards over, she hung onto the one her brother won, afraid to let it go, feeling like she'd lose another part of her him.

"Can I steal your date away, Ayda?" She didn't hear what he said to the other, though calling her his date left a sour taste in her mouth.

When the other didn't refuse, she nodded her head into a quiet area, moving until Kerem was there beside her.

"Tell her to keep her hands off of you." Emine warned.

#t: there is no god but the God #emine yalaz #ayda demir #event ; awards 24 #post ceromony

[keremdogulu]

FOR: @emine--yalaz / @ayda--demir WHEN: 23rd of March, 2024 WHERE: Royal Albert Hall. Post Awards.

In all honesty, he'd paid attention to where he went all night. If Emine went one way, he'd gone another. But that hadn't stopped him from watching her across the room, or finding her when the was a slight interval. But when she'd got up on stage. From his chair, the room alive with buzz from the awards, he stared.

Just stared, and stared.

He wanted to go to her, but all he saw was Berat and that tore him open from the inside out. As if he was left bare for the world to see.

"You think I should leave her alone at the party?" Kerem asked, looking at Ayda.

#ayda & kerem #emine & kerem #event ; awards 23 #post awards

[keremdogulu]

FOR: @berat-yalaz TYPE: Reaction. Lost Cause.

Sitting back in the chair, which now felt like it offered no softness, he shifted once and then twice. It was hot in here, wasn't it? "Berat Yalaz, Lost Cause." He felt sick, could feel it curdling in his stomach, as he grabbed the alcoholic beverage next to his water and downed it with a sharp hiss. "Fuck, fuck." He whispered, leg bouncing incessantly.

#no gif #event ; awards 24 #reaction #berat & kerem #berat yalaz #awards 24

[keremdogulu]

FOR: @mobscene-starters WHEN: 23rd of March, 2024. WHERE: Royal Albert Hall. Pre-awards.

Kerem wanted to be anywhere but here.

His suit may have glittered deep flickers of blue and white under the expensive lights, he may have looked the part; but he didn't feel it in any manner of the word. There was something to be said for a life taken too soon, but stolen...that was the words he would have used to describe this situation.

Finding himself sticking to the edges, away from people seemed like the best way to get through this evening. Grin and bare it. He was thankful for Ayda, accompanying him when everything else felt so fucking uncertain.

For the first time since he made the decision, he wondered if University would've been the safer option. Had he thought more with his brains potential than his friends. His...friend. Who was no longer there to bask in the glory of another win on their account. Their hard work. Kerem would do this alone, take fucking Haringey back.

But it'd never feel right. Not without him.

"I hope that dude doesn't ask for another photo, that's the third time."

#mobstarter #open #sad bean #post berat #event ; awards 24 #post awards

[keremdogulu]

Kerem Doğulu’s London Awards 2024 Attire.

Location: Royal Albert Hall Accompanied by: Ayda Demir. @ayda--demirWhen: 23rd of March, 2024.

#2024mobawardsattire #attire #event ; awards 24 #pre awards #ayda demir #ft. ayda #kerem doğulu

[keremdogulu]

FOLLOWING ON FROM THIS SELF PARA

“What happ– ” he knew. The look on her face, the floor threatened to swallow him whole. “Is…is he hurt?” It was the same denial he’d had three weeks ago, but this one was the worst kind. “Please.” The words were but a whimper, his lashes fluttering as they collected water droplets in their erratic dance. “Oh god, you’re wrong. You’ve gotta be – ” The second the words left his mouth, they tasted like ash. The truth seeped into the knowing part of his brain. “this is not happening.” “I did this, this is my fault.” Kerem sobbed. “This…this is my fault.”

Kerem was pacing to stop himself from lashing out, that control was already slipping beyond containment. The ugliness of all the emotions that were running rampant in his body lit on fire.

"How --" He knew what the man had done, he'd known him so long. It was like his senses were now awake as another strangled sob broke from his mouth. He wasn't aware enough to hide it. Honestly, he didn't think he could if he tried.

This couldn't all be for fucking nothing.

"When...how..."

Where: Her Old Flat Who: @keremdogulu When: 17th of March, 2024

When Ayda mentioned she was going to go tell Kerem after they got Ma settled, she offered to go. It was her brother and felt like the right thing to do. Emine might have been avoiding him the last month, ignoring his texts, because she knew what would happen if she saw him.

She replied to his latest text, tucking her phone in her pocket, and leaving Ayda behind at her ma's place.

It didn't take long for her to walk over to their old home. Her hands shoved into her jacket pockets, twisting along the path that would lead to the street she used to live on, on caring what people thought of how she looked. Her cheeks still stained with tears.

Emine pulled the key out of her pocket, unlocking the door, pushing it open. A foot shut it behind her. Moving around the corner she caught sight of Kerem on the couch, coming to stand underneath the entrance.

Keep it together.

"I'm not here to talk about us." She wanted to make that clear. "It's..." The tears were already streaming down her cheeks before she could say his name. "Berat."

#no crying gifs will load #fml #emine yalaz #kerem & emine #follow on from self para

[keremdogulu]

texting - azra

Kerem: Where are you? I need to see you. Kerem: Right now. Please. Kerem: It's Berat.

#we don't have an azra but he needs his best friend #azra & kerem #texting: azra

[keremdogulu]

TYPE: Self Para @berat-yalaz

PART ONE OF TWO.

SUMMARY: This is a part of his reply to @emine--yalaz but also his self para.

Keder, aşk için ödediğimiz bedeldir.

To breathe again, he wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse.

"It's..." Emine had said "Berat."

"What happ-- " he knew. The look on her face, the floor threatened to swallow him whole. "Is...is he hurt?" It was the same denial he'd had three weeks ago, but this one was the worst kind.

Kerem was pretty sure he might fucking pass out.

This surreality? It was roaring in his ears, unable to focus on anything as the world fell into silent chaos. The familiar timber of Berat's voice echoed through his mind, that laugh that so often made him feel at home nothing but dread that was collecting within him. The clogging in the back of his throat, the familiar burning behind his eyes as the pressure built and built.

Gone? Gone, gone? Not just hurt, there would be no recovery.

De-- no. He couldn't.

His world was crumbling, on fire, spreading and catching onto everything he held dear. Kerem was descending into madenning chaos, into the unknown and he'd never known such undiluted terror before. His nose burned every time he tried to bring air into his body, to keep himself from passing out from the spot in which he stood.

The look on Emine's face broke everything he'd known about his resolve, the way she -- for the life of him, it tore him apart to see her in such disarray. In such unbridled pain. He was frozen, unmoving, and unable to voice exactly how the world seemingly stopped moving. Berat was his brother, they'd fought side by side together for so long that it'd been natural.

Three weeks had felt like torture, even if he'd been pissed.

Friends fought...all the time, right?

He wasn't sure if it was because he was scared he was going to collapse, or because he needed to hold her again, but his arms found her, pulling her close as he tried to keep them here. His mind was spinning, and his world was imploding.

He wasn't going to be able to keep this upcoming eruption at bay much longer, he could feel it winding through his bloodstream and speeding straight for his faltering heart. It was breaking, more than anything could ever possibly break.

Irreplaceable. Irreparable.

Kerem tried to swallow, heaving in the process.

This...this was not real. It couldn't be real.

"Please." The words were but a whimper, his lashes fluttering as they collected water droplets in their erratic dance. "Oh god, you're wrong. You've gotta be -- " The second the words left his mouth, they tasted like ash. The truth seeped into the knowing part of his brain. "this is not happening."

Kerem had done this. This was his fucking fault.

They had been laughing so wildly, that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to stop, ever be able to breathe again with this feeling of freedom. Berat had been narrating some fucking show as they'd lounged around doing fuck all. Those had been simpler times, even if things had never been simple in the first place. Berat had always had a way of bringing out a more relaxed version of Kerem, always pushing him to do things that he might have shied away from. They had been a duo, there had never been one without the fucking other. And now.

Kerem couldn't remember what had been so damn funny now, but he wished he did. He wished he could remember every single fucking moment he'd been blessed by his best friend's presence. How could he have gone back to that, but that voice in his head came for him 'Because you threw him away without regard for everything he's done for you over Nevra'

He slammed backward, pulling away from Emine. His palms found his eyes as he pushed and pushed.

No. No. No. No. No.

He wished he could go back three weeks and say something different. Be different.

Nevra's name came to mind and he couldn't stop himself as his legs rushed to the nearest bin, he emptied the contents of his stomach in such a violent fashion he gasped trying to claw air back into his throat through the blinding tears. Berat couldn't be gone. But he was.

Kerem had hurt everyone he loved in that fallout, and it'd ended with his best friend's life. If the guilt hadn't been there before, it was now attempting a sniper-styled assassination. Was this his fucking fault? Truly? Had he robbed everyone of knowing him because of a stupid fucking fight?

It hit him.

Berat was dead.

He wanted to tare his fucking heart out of his chest and be done. He wouldn't, but he wanted to. Even as the room closed in on him, breath was stolen from his lungs once again at the onslaught of memories. He'd never get to make new ones because drugs had stolen his life, had embedded itself so deep into who he was, it'd warped his sense of self. Berat had so much to fucking offer and give.

But addiction never lets its victims go easily.

Or at all.

"I did this, this is my fault." Kerem sobbed. "This...this is my fault."

#t: Grief is the price we pay for love. #self para #reaction #berat yalaz #berat & kerem #the end of an era : berat #because one part wasn't enough #this is just inital reaction #tw: drugs #tw: death #tw: drug overdose

[keremdogulu]

Kerem: Already am... Kerem: Please tell me you aren't coming to get the rest of your stuff.

three days later

Emine: I'll be at the house in five minutes, be there.

#emine yalaz #kerem & emine #texting: emine #text messages

[keremdogulu]

FOR: @kathleenzhao TYPE: Event Date Winner. WHERE: Georgia.

£1,800 might've been a lot of money to Kerem, but as he stood in this beautiful country, he had to admit it'd been damn worth it. "I might be broke now, but damn. You've truly got good taste, Kathleen."

#date ; kathleen #kathleen & kerem #kathleenzhao #flash back #event ; valentines day