kingdom-in-flames-and-sugar

[kingdom-in-flames-and-sugar]

Day three

I just got back home from a three day trip to Asheville NC. I went to the Biltmore Estate and honestly it was absolutely stunning, it is definitely something I want to do again and spend more time at, you definitely can’t do everything in one day sadly.

The only issue I had with this whole trip was my aunt. And I know how that sounds but this was my first time genuinely meeting her since I was about 5 years old, and while I think that she is very sweet and caring, as someone who works in the service industry currently, I hated how she treated most servers. Though, when she wasn't making us move from table to table or complaining about the lighting or temperature and demanding that it be fixed for her. She was very entertaining. 

As someone who is currently single and has been for a few years now, every time she saw an attractive guy “near” my age she would say “oh i’m her aunt and were trying to find her a boyfriend” or she would stop mid conversation to say “Oh look, he’s so cute isn't he?” cue the embarrassment if u will... 

here's a short list of a few people she did this too during our trip:

1: Two men we met in an elevator

2: The hotel manager of the hotel we were staying in

3: The two bartenders at Biltmore

There were a few more people I just can't remember currently, these instances were also the most memorable because of their reactions.

Though my favorite was definitely the two bartenders. We sat at the bar and our server was super funny and yes, he was very attractive. I asked if he had any recommendations from the menu and i was already looking at their pork burger so when he suggested it i wanted to try it. When i got the burger it tasted great, it was just a bit dry, and i could tell by the look on his face that he felt really bad, i'm assuming because he recommended it. But i truly did like the burger i just didn't want to put ketchup on it, he asked if I wanted to change my order, or if i would like them to make a new one, but we both settled for some mayonnaise. Which did wonders, I couldn't even tell that it was dry any more. 

Now when i think back, we made a lot of eye contact, almost every time i looked around the bar he would already be looking at me or we would make eye contact, and that could've been because he was just checking on our drinks or something. But it was the same for the other bartender that was there, if either of them were taking someones order or putting stuff away or anything i would make eye contact with them, and they were both very very attractive so i felt some type of way. Though our bartender did come around often and had a bunch of conversations with us about a bunch of random things.

At the end of our meal when he gave us the check, he didn't even charge us for the burger, and while were were packing up, both of the bartenders were there and we were talking about random stuff. I asked the second guy how old he was because he looks close to my age and he said “oh i'm 35.” when i tell u my reaction was plastered on my face. I looked at him and said “No, there's no way, I would've guessed 25, 26 maybe.” he told me he was flattered though. Then my aunt says “oh there aren't any cute guys where she's from so were trying to find her a boyfriend.” now the guy who was not our bartender leaned in and said “Oh really?” and the guy who was our server asked how old i was, and i'm sure that them finding out that im only 18 was not going make them super comfortable, but all in all they were very sweet and i was very flustered at the end.

[kingdom-in-flames-and-sugar]

Day two

I think today I’d like to complain about myself. Though, which part of myself I’m complaining about is up for debate. Do I hate my mind or do I hate my own personality, or does one just fuel the other, or do I just hate how I look. Either way no matter the topic I find myself quite annoyed. Annoyed with none other than me. Maybe it’s my voice, no that’s not it, I tend to like the sound of my voice as long as I don’t hear it repeated back to me through a video or any recording.I think I’m annoyed with the constant need or want to talk, and to be apart of the conversation. I’m annoyed with the fact that I used to love listening to other people talk and now I’ve grown bored of it, it makes me feel so guilty. I’m annoyed that I feel as though I’m better than everyone else, when in truth I know I’m not. The way that my hips are shaped, or my uneven shoulders, my height, nose, double chin, nails, my feet. The way I laugh almost sounds forced, or when I cry like I’m suffocating, without a sound. My aggressiveness when I’m being “playful” my constant want for attention in any form. My quickness to anger, the way my mind races 1,000 miles a second, my overthinking, my pessimism, my short attention span. I think I could go on for days about all the things about myself that I hate, it’s probably not healthy to see myself this way but it’s so hard to change this point of view. There are things I love about myself but it’s normally how I treat the people I love and care for. I’m definitely not a good person, that much I know, but I also know that I’m not a piece of shit. I do a lot of shitty things but never on purpose or with malicious intent, I try to own up to my actions but for the most part, since I’m a coward, someone else tends to take that ability away from me.

If I’m being honest, I’m not to sure how to end this one. I’ve been in a very self deprecating mood. I miss my friends who are away for college while I sit at home trying to figure out what my actual life plan is. And at work I feel even more alone, I’ve lost all of my “friends” there because some stupid high school drama. It’s one of the main reasons I’m so excited to leave. But I guess that’s all I have for now, and I’m sure no one will see this anyways<3

#blog #freehand writing #writing #ideas #explore

[kingdom-in-flames-and-sugar]

Day One

I only ever created a tumblr account because I love writing and I was hoping to write every day. That was almost 4-5 years ago. Obviously that did not work out for me. Which is honestly, perfectly fine in the long run. It would’ve just been a depressed teenager talking and writing about her sappy issues throughout her high school experience. I guess it would’ve been therapeutic though. 

While this is my attempt to start over, and try again, i’m not holding out for too much hope. I’m not normally one to commit to daily habits. I’m also not sure yet exactly what I would be writing about besides my daily complaints so far but i’ll probably figure something out. 

#day one #blog #explore