letterstotheone-whomilovemost

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

8.12.21 (the end of it all)

This is what you said to me today. You told me that I was never anything to you, except a waste of time. Today, I found out that you are still dating the girl that you originally cheated on me with back in 2018/19. You’ve been with her since December of 2019, and never once did you guys break up. You were approaching two years with her. But somehow, you made me believe that you guys weren’t together. You were so secretive online. You did a damn good job of being sneaky. I always had this suspicion, but I never acted on it because i didn’t want to seem “crazy”. You had me drop you off at her house, literally last Tuesday (note: I literally went to the hospital and you ignored me all day after I dropped you off). You were THAT comfortable in your lies. Like, bro. How do you even comprehend that… that would be okay? We’ve been DATING since the fifth of June, and we’ve been talking back and forth since fucking APRIL. How do you even comprehend??? Do you? I’m literally in shock. I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of fucking emotions, because part of me goes “Well you should’ve known better, he did this to you before”. But this time… I’m LITERALLY on the other end of it. I was your SIDE PIECE? How fucking scuffed is that. I’ve always had that mentality, ignorance is bliss. And it got me SO far. haha. Until you ignored me for a week. Until you snapped at me for absolutely no reason. Until I kept asking if you fucked her. Then I realized something was definitely going on. It took me calling you TEN times for you to answer, tell me to fucking stop then hang up on me again. So i called you AGAIN, cause I FOUND OUT that you and her were together. You told me to fuck off. So I did. You proceeded to text me these hateful things, like it would help your case. I refused to say hateful things back to you, it does not good for anyone.

Then you told me this. You told me that the reason you couldn’t love me was because I found out you were cheating. Your manipulation and gaslighting hasn’t gone away, I see. I was just oblivious and gave you no real reason to show your true colours. I’m honestly not surprised. Seeing you act this way takes me back to 2019, and 2018, and 2017, and 2016. I remember why we broke up all of those times. Every time. And what’s funny is we didn’t even officially break up today. You kinda just told me to “be easy” and “u good tho”. Like what the fuck does that even mean? You got caught cheating— and it’s not even just me. But on your baby momma?? Y’all have been together this WHOLE time? And we’ve been steady talking for FOUR months????? Why the fuck did I keep putting up with this bullshit. I’m astounded. I’ve been putting up with this shit for far too long. I thought that because I had healed, and fixed my childhood traumas, and my wounds stitched up, I thought that because I did all of that self healing stuff and that long journey, that maybe you did too. It’s clear that I’m just oblivious, because wow. You really proved me wrong. This entire time of us being together, you’ve been fucking her? You’ve been kissing her? You’ve been sleeping next to her too? Wow. I’m astounded. I’m literally in shock. I mean, hey LOL I was in the hospital and on bed rest for a fucking week and it didn’t even PHASE you. I know why too! You had her right next to you so you felt NOTHING. You’re so lonely and I hate that for you. I tried my fucking hardest for you. I put up with how you treated me, I put up with the good and the bad. I dealt with your shitty attitude towards everything. I constantly brought you up. HOW MANY TIMES did I happy cry sitting next to you saying I wanted to spend the rest of my fucking life with you? You were right there with me! I was laying on your chest and you sat there and smiled at everything I said!!!! I don’t understand. My brain literally can’t understand it. I hate that you can’t see a good thing when it’s right in front of you. I did everything I could for you.

You weren’t all bad. You were a lot of good. The past week has just been… So shitty. I’m almost mad at myself for figuring it out, but it was doomed to happen, right? Maybe I shouldn’t have been nosy. Idk. I’m not going to pity party or anything, but damn dude. I really wish that you loved me like you claimed you did. You always told me you loved me so much, and I FELT that love when you were near me. The way you looked at me. How can you say you never loved me? How can you say that me putting two and two together is the reason you can never love me? Gaslighting doesn’t work on me anymore. I know that you don’t mean those things. You’re just lonely. I’m not going to excuse your behavior. You’re a cheater, you’ve always been a cheater. From your first girlfriend to your last, you’ve never been loyal to anyone. That’s fucked up. Just like I told you in text, if you constantly cheat on women, you’ll never be happy. You have to love yourself first before trying to seek that in other people.

I don’t think you’re a shitty person, like you always say you are. You just do really shitty stuff to people. Cheating is literally like in the top five shitty things you can do to someone, to me at least. I don’t quite understand you sometimes. Maybe that’s another reason I’ve always been entranced by you. You’re a mystery. I always wanted that validation from you, maybe you would choose to be loyal, maybe I could show you enough love that you wouldn’t seek it from others. I shouldn’t try to play bob the builder and try to fix you. Only you can correct your bad mannerisms. You’ll get there one day.

Just like you, I too have my demons. Looks like I’m going to have to work on my co-dependency again. Cheers to having therapy. This is a huge hurdle that I’ll have to get over.

I wonder how long it will take you for you to realize that this message never changed:

How long will it take for you, this time to realize that I’m not coming back? I have to break this vicious cycle. It’s a shame that you could never love me like I loved you. But I’ll heal just fine. I’ll be okay in the end. I’m going to grieve, I’m going to be sad, I’m going to experience pain. But, I’ll get over it all one day. That pain will always be there, just like death— it never truly goes away, it just gets a little less… sharp.

I love you so much and I always will. It’s a shame. I always cared more. One day you’ll realize. Maybe if I get married in 10 years, maybe I’ll be your “girl that got away”. I hope you have the time of your life raising your two babies with two different baby mommas that you cheated on both of them with. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. And I hope you realize one day that not everyone will deal with the shit i dealt with.

Not anymore.

I love you, J. I really do.

The End. [15:24 081221]

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

8.11.21

Good morning. It’s almost been a month since I have written to you. For the past eight days now, I’ve been incredibly sick. I got rushed to the ER last Tuesday, and they wrote off what happened as “anxiety” and decided to make me wait for hours upon hours just to decide they weren’t going to see me further (without telling me of course).

I’ve been sitting at the house, doing nothing, literally nothing just laying in bed for the past week. I’ve been trying to get myself to get up and be more active. But it’s tough, you know? Every time I would get up I was getting extremely light-headed. Not like your normal “black out” iron deficiency— but like, actually cause me to almost faint & it made me go into these panic attacks. Now I’ve been suffering with what I’ve been calling “metal mouth”, cause I’ve been tasting this taste that reminds me of chewing on pennies. Yeah, disgusting- believe me I hate it. I’ve been getting nauseous as well, and it’s not like just a random queasy here and there, I’ve been nauseous pretty consistently for the past couple of days. I haven’t even had a true appetite for the past week. And yes, pregnancy has already been ruled out. I took a test, first one gave me a faint positive, and I took another this morning & it showed nothing.

I ended up buying health insurance, dental insurance, AND a tatami mat + futon. I’m honestly pretty fucking stoked. It’s hard getting the health benefits you need when you don’t have an employer, with me being self employed and all. I’m excited to go get my blood work done & to get my vitals checked. I’m going to have to bite the bullet, Yano? I’ve always been scared of doctors, but I gotta stop that shit. I’m twenty two. There’s no reason I should still be scared of doctors, or needles, or drills. /shudder/ I’m trying to get better. I eventually want to get Invisalign for my teeth once I fix all the problems in my mouth. I have to wait 6 months before I can do anything with my mouth, though. That’s the one thing that sucks about dental insurance. BUT! Health insurance will be active as soon as I get my ID cards in the mail :D So, first thing I’ll be doing is booking apts for my vital work & therapy (‘:

I definitely need to get back into therapy, for no reason other than the fact that I’m starting to develop agoraphobia again, and my depression is rearing its ugly head again. I’ve been feeling extremely trapped in my own head as of late. It’s not like I’ve had any reason or anything, and I think that’s why I need to see my therapist again. I know by talking to her, she’s going to be able to see past my own limits and figure out where everything is coming from. I honestly don’t know where any of this came from. Ever since last Tuesday, I’ve just been going through it.

I’ve been so behind on commissions. My work has been getting FUCKED since I’ve been sick. That’s the one thing with being self employed, doing art for a living……. You don’t get paid for time off/sick pay. And MAN, maybe I’m at that age where I need to start taking multi-vitamins. I’m getting older LOL. I’ve been trying to work on my commissions, but man its just so hard when you’re sick. I’m feeling a tad bit better today, and I’ve been feeling better a little bit since yesterday as far as the fatigue/light-headed ness goes. I’m not sure, I’ve been staying hydrated and trying to rest as much as possible, but also trying to move around. They say too much bed rest is bad for you.

Blah! Enough enough about my health bullshit (x I’ll figure out as we go, yeah? Cheers to getting older!

I’ve also been job hunting for a “steady” job that will allow me to get my own place ^-^ I’m really looking forward to our future together, you know?

I hope you’re still wanting the same <3

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.19.21

yesterday was my birthday and you stood me up the night before. We were supposed to hang out and go into my birthday together. You had ignored me since the 16th. I couldn’t help but wonder what the actually fuck was going through your mind. It really disappointed me. I was angry for a couple of minutes, yeah— but i think more than anything: you left me disappointed on the one day i have hated for almost every year of my life, when i was actually excited to have a good day.

I was in a way, “let down”. I went out and bought a dress, makeup, and did my nails. All for a day that I’ve always hated, because you promised you wouldn’t stand me up the night before and that you would actually come see me. You offered to spend the night it’s me, see my family. God, we were so close to almost having a normal relationship. Until you left me high and dry waiting for hours for you, a response received at 7 pm, stating “can you wait”, then not another text until 3pm the next day, stating that you were “sorry”.

I went for a joyride last night after having a pretty bland birthday. I realized that you must just be wired to not feel bad when it comes to breaking promises or something. I don’t know. I’ve just decided that i will give you the same energy you give.

Maybe you’ll care, maybe not. Maybe you’ll act like it affects you, or maybe you’ll find someone else. Either way I gues I’ll have to just learn how to deal with you not seeming to care nor love as much as me.

We’ll see i guess.

All i know is you wouldn’t like it if i did to you what you do to me.

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.14.21 (45 days)

Good morning. I’m writing you before work. I’ve been trying to not get too much into my own head as of late. It’s been kind of difficult, if I’m being truthfully honest. I think I’m learning though. I’ve learned that I’m probably suffocating you, by caring too much. Lately the feeling I’ve been having has tried to tell me that I care more. Maybe that’s the case, maybe it’s not. It’s only a feeling, after all. It’s strange how the brain works, but that’s a topic for another day.

I’ve been working hard. Yesterday kind of put a dent in my work flow.. I had a cyst in my ovary rupture yesterday and the pain was so great that I couldn’t walk, I had to leave work and go home. I felt so bad that I had to leave work. Weird, right? I mean, my own health… made me feel bad about leaving work. I’m just trying to save up as much money as possible and work as hard as possible so I can have the things I need. I’m also trying to distract myself from the fact that you aren’t talking to me nearly as often as you were. When all else fails, grind and grind for the money bag so you won’t be broke and lonely, amiright?

I’m going to keep trying to stick to this job at the Pizza Shop because it’s okay money for my pockets, however— they treat me like absolute garbage. That’s why I prefer to constantly be on the road while I’m clocked in there. When they saw me writhing in pain yesterday, they didn’t bat an eye and told me I needed to stay for another hour. I felt like shit, and I really wanted to work yesterday. The pain was too great that I HAD to leave. I literally couldn’t stand or sit in a position that the pain went away. They didn’t even seem to care about my health, but rather “the deliveries are stacking too high!”. It’s scuffed how capitalism works, you know? I mean, it WORKS— but so many people are taken advantage of, no one gets their benefits, no one gets to actually LIVE unless they got lucky/hard work for years and years, and by the time all of those years have passed— too much time has passed and now they’re old and grey.

It’s sad but hey, it “works”. Depressing really. But I like money, I’m addicted to watching that number go up. So I’ll deal with it for now. There’s a reason I have 4 gigs. 2 main sources of income, 2 side sources. If one job ever fails me, I have 3 to fall back on. I’ve done this for too long now to know that I can’t just “quit”.

I hate working for someone. Let me elaborate, I hate working for someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, but getting paid more than me to make me do their dirty work. Isn’t that scuffed? Typically you would think, you would get paid more to do more stuff, not the other way around. Getting paid the MINIMUM to do everything? What the fuck who came up with that? Why is that a thing? To see who will deal with the most shit? Is that how promotion works? Cause, LMAO i beg to differ. I would NEVER just “tough it out” in hopes of getting promoted 3 years down the line. Fuck that.

I’m only a delivery driver at this place, but I’m already starting to get taken advantage of. I’ve only been here two weeks. I’m already so tired of doing other people’s jobs for them. They’re lucky that I’m trying to go back to school and need the income.

Once I get my full tuition money, I’m fucking OUT of that bitch. That’s what’s keeping me here, for now. Knowing me though… I know one day I might just snap and leave, depending on the situation. My brain just doesn’t like to think that someone has complete control of me, just for a paycheck. I really really hate thinking that way. It’s not how things are supposed to be.

I’ve done my ramble for the day, haha. I must go to work now, it’s 11:13.

Maybe I’ll hear from you today, yeah?

Maybe.

[losing hope]

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.11.21 (42 days)

My birthday is in a week, how crazy is that? I've been not so "excited" about my birthdays for the past couple of years. To think this will be my first birthday with you. It makes me so happy to think that I will get to have you by my side on my birthday. I don't think I've been this excited for a birthday, in a very very long time. More than likely the first time since I was a small child, haha.

I'm so sleepy that I can barely keep my eyes open, and I'm also slightly nauseous (have been all day). I have to take mom to surgery at 8 in the morning. I will continue to fight my eyelids, I want to keep writing to you.

We got to spend Wed 7.7 - Fri 7.9 together, and honestly that made me so happy. I got to be around you for over 24 hours. It was definitely well needed. I crave being around you. My heart flutters every time I get a message from you, when you look at me, or when I hear my phone ringing and your name lighting up on my phone.

I don't think I'll ever get out of my "honeymoon" stage with you, if I'm being honest. I love this feeling. I'm addicted to you, I've always been. It's this overwhelming sensation, I feel all warm and stuff when I get to see you or talk to you. It makes my days when you tell me good morning and/or when you tell me goodnight. I will say it's been fairly rare as of late for you to tell me goodnight, but I know it's because I stay up later than you and you tend to fall asleep without warning. You're a hardworking man, so it's understandable for you to be so sleepy.

Today was kind of long, I spent most of it alone, working on art. I even picked up my guitar for the first time in a little while. Learned how to play the riff of What's My Age Again by Blink-182 by ear, and needless to say-- I definitely missed having music as an outlet. Just jamming playing all sorts of chords, trying to see which one's sound pretty together... A whole hour passed by before I even knew it!

I spent my entire day just doing the things I love, the hobbies I enjoy. I'm starting to fall in love with my life again. A part of that, owes a thanks to you, all things considered. You're kind of like, my light at the end of a long, dark hallway. How cheesy!

Today was "lazy" but not really. I thought it was going to storm pretty bad, so I opted out of working at my side job. I stuck with doing the things said above, watched some anime, started a new show, wrote a bit, studied a bit, and even did my laundry. Even though today was "lazy" I realized that my off day was long. I would never complain about a long off day. Now that I'm back to a "regulated" job, with a set schedule and such, I look forward to my off days. Being able to enjoy hobbies is quite a feat. I think that's why it's healthy to take "breaks" from things. I look forward to doing my hobbies more on my off days, rather than when I could just pick when I wanted to work. I don't feel like any of my days are wasted anymore. I get to see you on my off days sometimes, and that makes me extremely happy.

I look forward to the day that I get to fall asleep next to you for the first time for the rest of my life. Waking up and you still being there, going to sleep and you still being there. Man, a dream. I can't wait to get that. It's going to be so worth it all.

I'm working hard on making sure that I can show you all of the love I have for you. You've told me "I hope so" when I tell you I love you, sometimes. While it does hurt, I know you don't say it to hurt my feelings. I know how it feels to not know if someone loves you. This entire project of letters is prime example of that. While we were split for almost two years, I started to feel like you had never loved me. I know why, now. It's because I had forgotten how soft your eyes got when you look at me. Now I can just, feel it. I can tell that you love me, now, because your eyes speak louder than words.

I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you, and I want that more than anything. I never want to lose you again. I can't see myself with anyone else, ever again. I only want you, it's always been this way.

Earlier you said, "I'm nothing". I was curious what you had meant by that. You never clarified or told me what you had meant. It left me scratching my head. I'm not sure if you were just in your own head, or if someone said some hurtful things to you. You may think that you're nothing, but you're everything to me, babylove. You're seriously everything to me. I want to protect you from the cruel world, I want you to know that you're safe with me, I want you to feel loved. I want you to be able to love the world around you and see just how beautiful everything is. I want you to be able to look at yourself and see the man I see. You're everything. Charming, handsome, loving, kind, a good father, smart, funny, god-- I could go on forever. You're literally perfect to me. Flaws and all. I hope one day I can help you see that.

My eyelids are getting angry with me, I can feel them getting heavier and heavier.

I hope to speak to you in the morning. I hope you sleep well & have sweet dreams. I love you so much.

[yours truly]

#letters to the one i love most #letters to you #love letter #letters to the one i loved most

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.5.21

Happy one month, babes.

I hope today was good to you. I made 70$ today at work, and honestly even though i made that money, my feet hurt and i have a killer fucking toothache out of nowhere. I'm gonna have to find somewhere to go dental wise, I think my wisdom teeth are coming in and for FUCKS sake my jaw hurts from it.

I don't really know what else to type. I was kinda hoping after our conversation last night that you'd try and write me back today, but it's clear that you were too busy again, haha

I hope you have a goodnight. I love you.

#letters to the one i love most

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.4.2021 (35 days)

I've already written to you twice in the past 4 days. I think that says quite a lot. I came to a realization last night, haha, and I think I'm just gonna have to go back to the whole "fuck it, it is what it is" mentality. You know, so I don't get hurt again. I'm working on rebuilding that wall around my heart because there's obviously something going on, I refuse to look or lurk or whatever, because ignorance is bliss. The only reason I know something is different is because you literally haven't been talking to me. I get that you're busy, but you still used to message me when you have time.

I made the mistake of finding you on Facebook, and you seem to still be publicly in a relationship with the girl you cheated on me with. I know you probably don't get on Facebook all too much, but it kinda just-- stings a little bit, you know? The girl that was "better than me in every way". I try to not compare myself or feel inadequate, but it's pretty hard with how much you guys posted each other and stuff. I really wanted to be your person like you're my person. I'm starting to feel like this honeymoon stage is finally over, just like my mom told me. She told me everything would be gravy for a month or so, then it'd go back to some stupid stuff. I've been trying really hard to remain Zen and not freak out. My emotions have been entirely out of wack and I have been wanting to see you for the past almost two weeks now, and I've been blesed with a total of 107 messages in the past 9 days. (that's less than 13 messages a day, btw.)

Tomorrow is our "1 month" by the way. I doubt you'll remember. Maybe you'll surprise me and wish me a happy one month. haha.

I'm not going to get my hopes up with you anymore, I don't know what changed. I don't know what I could've done to keep this from happening. Why does this happen every time? It's always something right around 1 month of us trying to fix things. I told you I wasn't going to lose you this time, and I mean that, I really don't want to lose you.

With that being said, I really don't want to be the second option, all of the time. I want to at least feel wanted. I've been meditating, I've been writing, drawing, playing games, working, anything to keep my mind busy. I've been trying really hard.

(remission by dsvr)

I don't know what you want from me, and you're making this really hard for me. Do you want me to distance myself? Do you want me to continue begging for your attention? Do you want me to just fuck off? What do you want? Why can't you at least tell me that much. Why make me feel like an idiot, grasping for any thread that falls from the air from you? I can only mind-read SO much. It's making my heart ache. I kind of got used to having you around again, and I think it's kind of evil of you to pop back in my life, ask me to be your girlfriend, then one day just stop giving a fuck..

I can't help but think that I'm not enough for you. What a crappy feeling. Once again, I can't help it-- and I really don't want to feel that way. I don't want to feel like I'm not enough for anyone, but especially not you. I feel loved by you, but only sometimes. That's always been the problem.. I wish you would just keep me updated so my brain doesn't try to fill in these missing puzzle pieces of why you're ignoring me.

I'm trying really hard. I am.

Please at least tell me something. You're killing me.

#letters to you #letters to the one i loved most #love letter #letters to the one i love most

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.2.2021

I had my first day at work today, well-- my new/old job. I started back at my old work place, slapping pizzas and delivering them. I worked for six hours and broke my shoe, haha.

I've been trying to keep myself busy, because you're so busy that you have almost no time to talk to me. It's lowkey starting to break my heart. I keep telling myself that this pain will be worth it, but it's so hard. I've gone 9 days without seeing you now. And in those 9, the last 5 you've barely even talked to me.

I keep asking myself if I did something wrong or maybe I'm just overlooking stuff. I don't know. My emotions have been really out of wack for the past couple of days. I think I'm just overthinking.

I keep crossing my fingers hoping I'll be able to see you tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow, every single night. No luck so far. I keep getting maybes, or possibly's.

I have so many things that I want to talk to you about but I just... can't. I don't want to talk to you about them and you take 8 hours to text me back. I miss seeing you in person. Damn dude, this fucking sucks.

I think I have like, the opposite of COVID. LOL, let me explain.

For the past couple of days my smell sense has been off the WALL with how strong my nose is. I've never been able to smell something across the house/room, until yesterday. It's been pretty wacky, good and bad smells. Idk why my sense of smell has gotten so strong but honestly, I kinda want it to fuck off. It's been fucking with my appetite and making me nauseous.

I'm off for the weekend. Hopefully maybe I can see you. I miss your embrace. I miss seeing you smile or even making eye contact with you. I love you so much and I just want to spend all my time with you and I know I can't do that yet but for fuck's sake man...

I want to at least know that it's mutual. It really hasn't felt like you've missed me an ounce since the last time I saw you. :(

I think maybe my brain is just getting to me, or whatever-- but I know one thing for certain and it's the fact that I fucking miss you.

My birthday is in 16 days. I hope maybe I can see you on my birthday. That'd be nice, haha. I won't get my hopes up though. You're just so busy all the time.

I always wonder what you're doing that makes you "so busy", because it wasn't like this until the whole situation where she threatened you to move in or you don't get to see your daughter anymore. Weird timing, I guess.. I don't know.

Can you tell that i just, don't know?

I really want to know, but I guess I'll never know.. haha.

People make time for the people important to them.

And i know that if you asked me to hang out tomorrow I would drop everything in a heartbeat. That phrase stands true for me, and anyone I've ever known. It makes me wonder if I'm actually important to you.

I'd kill for some reassurance, I don't want to feel this way, and I really don't want to come off as "insecure", because that's just not it. I just genuinely want to know that the way I feel is reciprocated. Everything kind of just changed so fast, and sudden. Everything was okay until one day you didn't text me back for over 24 hours. It makes me wonder. I can't help it, and I know you'd do the same.

forgive me, I'm blabbering and not making any sense. I just want my brain to stop bullying me. I'd kill to see you or at least hear you tell me how you feel.

i love you always, i really do mean that.

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.1.2021

I’ve been let down again. I woke up this morning to you telling me something else went wrong, again. For the fourth time now, even after promising me you wouldn’t. It hurts me to say that I’m slowly starting to not believe you when you tell me excuses as to why you left me hanging. a whole 16 hours of not talking to me.

It seems suspicious and honestly I’m not digging it. I would never leave you sitting somewhere for 5 hours with no response, after asking you to hang out.

I would never!! I can’t even fathom leaving you sitting somewhere, waiting for me. I’m starting to get this little thought in my head telling me that you just don’t care. I haven’t seen you in a week and you’ve maybe texted me 20 times in the past week. I can’t tell if you’re just ignoring me or what. It sucks, it really does. You’re the only person that I want to talk to and I get that you’re busy. I’m busy too. But I still make time to talk to you, because you’re important to me and people make time for the people important to them. It’s always you falling asleep, or something happened with one of your baby mama’s, or some other bizarre excuse. I have no reason to not believe you, and I *do* trust you. But it’s just the fact that you promised you would tell me if something came up and you didn’t want to keep me waiting. You broke that promise. It really does feel like you don’t value my time. I try my damned hardest for you, you know? I push all of my insecurities out the window so that we can have a happy relationship. Each day that goes by, I feel my heart slowly breaking more because every day that goes by I receive maybe one message from you every 4 hours.

I don’t understand. I know that you’re working and that you don’t have service, but once you’re home— what are you doing that keeps you from talking to me?

You know, I never believed in loneliness, and i hate the phrase. I think loneliness is when you want to talk to one person, and only that one person, and they don’t even seem to want to talk to you. That is painful. And I’ve been feeling this way for a week now.

I start my second job tomorrow, I was hoping to see you last night before I started working a shit ton. I work 45 minutes from you, and 30 from my house. As much as I want to say “I won’t be able to see you after work”, I just know that if you asked me to I would make time for you.

Maybe that’s where we differ. I’m not entirely sure.

I’m your girlfriend, right? Aren’t we dating? I thought couples at least texted when they’re apart. Maybe if I had a kid with you, you’d give me more attention. I mean shit, it feels like you’ve given more attention to your baby mama’s than me for the past week. I don’t know man, I was never able to give that to you and now you’re dead set on never wanting more it feels like. (And that sucks considering I always wanted a family).

I feel neglected. Really.I really do. I wish i could stop feeling that way but i can’t help it. I really do just feel like my feelings just “don’t matter” or that the attention I’m wanting to give isn’t being reciprocated.

You hit me with the “you could have anyone” and honestly that fucking sucks to hear. Do you know how many people’s hearts I’ve broken because I have to tell them, “I’m sorry I’m just not over [your name], quite yet”. So many failed relationships on my part because I could never get over you, even if i tried. I wanted nothing but you. It’s always been that way.

I really just want attention from you. It fucking sucks.

I didn’t realize I’d have to beg for attention. Haha..

I love you always

[negligence]

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

6.21.2021 (23 days)

Babylove,

It’s already been 23 days since I saw you for the first time in 576 days.

Today was Father’s Day, well—yesterday. I’ve been restless tonight. I keep hopping from task to task. My brain randomly does this some nights. I think it’s because I’ve been kind of sad all day. I’ve been working on art, coding, watching tv, reading— since i woke up. I even walked a mile around the park today. I hope that today was good for you. We didn’t speak too much, but I didn’t mind— I assumed you were spending time with your babies. I really do hope today was a good day for you. You deserve the best and more. None less than the best. You’re a perfect human being, in my eyes, and you truly deserve all of the good in the world. God— let me stop oozing about you (x

Since I’m talking about me being “sad”, I’m not 100% sure what it is. You know? I keep reminding myself to stop being so hard on myself, I’m being productive each day and what not. It just gets a little hard when I’m constantly being compared to “successful people my age in 2.4 million dollar houses”. Oddly specific? Yeah, haha mom keeps talking about this married couple that has this huge house she works on. I don’t really get on social media, I always had such a bad habit of comparing myself to others, ever since I was a teen. I mean, I got bullied a LOT growing up, it’s only natural for me to compare myself to other’s, especially when it comes to success.

I’m not entirely sure. I mean, I’ve got goals in mind, it just takes the getting over the hills to get there. I’m focusing on my goals and trying to get where I want to in life.

One of my goals has been stuck in my mind for days on end. Well… months… years.

I keep having dreams, daydreams, thoughts. Of walking down an aisle and getting married to you, haha (x I know it seems childish to talk about so soon after recently getting back with you. But you know, I genuinely can’t even say anything else. I really do want to spend the rest of my days with you. I want to one day marry you, and live with you— slow dance in our living room, play records on a record player, listen to you play guitar on the front porch— or anywhere else in the house really, watch your babies grow up, one day have a baby with you, watch our lives get better with each day, be there with you for each achievement you reach, hold you during each sad moment, laugh at funny movies on the couch, celebrate birthdays and holidays with you, wake up before you and surprise you with breakfast, sleep late and stumble into the kitchen with bed head finding you hovering over the oven just to wrap my arms around you, wake up in the mornings to your sleepy face, going to the park holding your hand walking throughout and just enjoying your presence. I want to spend every waking moment with you, but god… do i want to spend my life with you. I want each moment for the rest of my life to consist of you living in my head, but you by my side. I can’t even really be *sad* as much as it naturally occurs to me, because I have that gentle reminder in my head, of you and I saying “One day”. One day everything will be worth the sad, worth the pain, worth the trial and error. It’ll be worth the grief, the anger.

Everything will be worth it, one day. I look forward to it. Even in the now, I enjoy every day I get a message from you, that I get to see you, that i get to hear your voice, that i get to even be blessed to be your girlfriend, your partner. I fucking love you. I’m never going to lose you again. I fucking swear.

you’re my person, and I love you forever and always. You give me a reason to breathe again. Thank you for being you. Everything about you. Thank you for existing. Thank you for blessing me.

Forever Yours,

<3

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

6.8.2021 (19 months, 8 days)

It's a Tuesday. Like every Tuesday, I start off doing the same thing. I wake up, roll out of bed, and hop straight onto my computer (or ipad if I'm feeling lazy) and start working on art stuff, studying, working, whatever be it.

I woke up differently today. While I was still sleepy, I woke up excited. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve, last night. You texted me last night asking if I wanted to hang out today. I even caught myself going from task to task last night smiling and... dancing... singing songs.

It's strange how happy you make me. Just thinking about you, gives me these warm feelings. I still get nervous seeing you-- it's not bad nerves, they're like... Similar to when you're about to get on a rollercoaster. You know it's going to be an amazing experience, and it makes you nervous. I was so giddy last night, and truth be told-- I still am.

Even though its only been three days since I've seen you, I'm still shaking in my boots from excitement.

That's not the right phrase for it, but hey. It just means im shaking with excitement, or however-- it's how I mean it.

Time freezes when I'm with you. It's odd, but I'm not complaining. If I close my eyes and try hard enough, I can imagine you right in front of me. That's never changed, but as of super recently, I can feel your embrace when I try to imagine it hard enough.

And even when I'm not trying! I'll just be sitting, mindlessly working on something, and my brain just **TA-DA here's a happy thought!**.

God it's great. I'm so grateful.

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

6.6.21 (19 months, 6 days since)

It’s currently Sunday. I got to see you again yesterday. I’m sitting here with hazed eyes, due to me just waking up. I still can’t fathom it. I’ve been praying to the sun, the universe-- I’ve screamed at my ceiling so many nights. I swear to the Creator that you are my Twin Flame. There is no way that you’re not. I am finally starting to feel less and less suffocated again, and the only thing that has changed is you’re back in my life. Everything feels so comfortable with you. 

I get lost looking at you. You’re absolutely beautiful and everything about you. Your warmth, I’ve missed day on and day off. But more than anything I missed seeing your eyes light up. Holy fuck, I missed that more than anything. I love seeing your eyes crinkle when you’re laughing. It gives me this happy, warm, fuzzy feeling. Seeing you thrive and happy. I swear.. Seeing you happy, it beats any other feeling, any other beautiful thing. It beats a long hike to the top of a mountain. It beats a long day of work coming home to coffee. Nothing compares to the feeling I feel when I see you happy. 

You help me see and feel in color again. 

I’ve fucking missed you so much. I feel fucking blessed. Looking over these past almost two years, it’s helped me grow as a person-- but it has made my heart yearn more than ever.

I swear... I didn’t forget too much, but I forgot how soft your eyes got when you looked at me. I can see how gentle you look at me. I’m so happy to have you by my side again. I told myself yesterday “I can probably stop writing to him, now that I have him to talk to again, everyday”. But you know, I don’t know if I’ll ever just “stop”. It’s been a wild journey, and I want to document just how fucking happy I am. I’ve been ignoring the “cons” of the relationship, like the backlash I may get from people. Honestly, I’ve reached the point of just not caring anymore, what other people think. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel love and be loved. I deserve to love. 

I’m not going to let people hinder me anymore. I’m not going to lose you again. I refuse. I genuinely think that you are my person. You’re the one that understands me more than anyone and I have never loved anyone like I love you. It’s been five years since I met you (in November, five years). Time flies. But my love has not hindered. It has not been waived, it has not wavered. That love is still as strong as it was before, if not stronger. I’m willing to fight for you. I’m not going to lose you again. I refuse. 

[Headstrong and Ready]

12:28 06062021

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

5.29.2021 (18 months, 29 days since the event)

For the first time in 576 days, I got to see you in person. Today.

For the first time in 576 days, I felt oddly comforted. I didn’t feel off. I didn’t feel scared, I didn’t feel like i didn’t belong.

For the first time in 576 days, I got to see your smile once more. I got to hear your voice. I got to feel your embrace.

For the first time in 576 days, my void felt complete again.

I have waited day in and day out, for the day to come of me “not wanting you” anymore. I tried to trick myself into believing it, but I never truly could. Five hundred, seventy-six days ago I felt a gaping hole in my chest. I felt this “void” that I always have heard people speak about. Maybe it’s not the “same thing”, but nothing ever seemed to patch the hole in my chest. I patiently waited, day in day out. I picked up new hobbies to try and see if I had anything to fill that empty space I felt. Sure, some hobbies lasted a couple days, week, or maybe a month— but nothing truly STUCK. I halted to a standstill. I remember (and I believe I have also wrote about it on here) starting to lose the memory of your face, and I kept forcing myself to remember. But god, today I wasn’t ready to be blown away to the amount that I was today. Seeing you in front of me, was like watching a dead man walking. My brain has been trying to convince me that you don’t exist for so long, and my heart had been battling my brain for a while. Today I felt a natural “high”. I would compare it to a runner’s high, tbh. I felt truly euphoric and honestly I can’t believe today was real. Just sitting there talking to you. Everything was so comfortable. It was like my dreams, the good ones that I have. Just sitting there, the joking banter, the laughter, the catching up— these are all things I have dreamt about. Today it came true. I got to see you, in person, within arms reach for the first time in 576 days.

I drove home with a smile on my face. I drove home thinking I was just going to “wake up” from a nap, that it was all just a dream.

As I lay here to go to sleep, I realize— it did happen.

Hearing you talk to me, and being able to hug you brings tears to my eyes. I haven’t felt so comfortable in so long. If I had to compare how I feel today, it’s similar to losing a favorite t-shirt, or forgetting a song title(and the lyrics) but you still remember the melody. Then that light bulb in your head goes off. Instant happiness. I felt dopamine today. I felt serotonin today. I had lost hope with that in me, I still felt happy before, but I always felt like I was missing something.

Of course I was missing something. I was missing my best friend. My favorite person to roam this earth. It’s so strange, seeing you again after such a long time. I’ve been writing you for eighteen months now, almost nineteen. It’s bizarre to me, I genuinely thought you hated me and that I would never see you again.

The curse was broken today. I feel like I have been released from shackles. I found you again.

I’m not getting my hopes up too far, because I know that since both of us are older, we both have our own responsibilities.

Everyone has always told me that I shouldn’t love you, and I always told them to fuck off. No one can help who they love, and I’ll always feel that way towards you. You’re my person. God that sounds so gay, especially seeing it typed out.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized naturally our hearts yearn for what they yearn for. People have no say in what they want in life. They can’t control their desires, the ones that stem from the heart.

I haven’t been as happy as I was today, in over 576 days. Seeing you, was truly, the highlight of my year.

Thank you.

#letters to the one i love most #letters to you #love letter #letters to the one i loved most

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

5.26.21 (18 months, 26 days since the event)

The other day I reached out to you to try and see if I could get some closure. I’m not sure why I even tried, tbh. “Closure”, what is that? Why have I always assumed it meant I would stop loving you? It’s amusing to think i ever thought I could just, stop loving you. I do think I’m getting closer to “closure”, however, meaning— I’m starting to realize that we won’t get back together. You’re moving on in your life, I should do the same. I shouldn’t have hopes anywho, i think. I don’t know.

I’m just living day by day and I’m loving it. I’ve gotten used to not having you around but i still get emo from time to time. For no reason, rather than just being nostalgic. I hope that you are well.

I know that I’ll never stop loving you, or missing you. But I’m okay with just pretending that i will.

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

5.6.21 (18 months, 6 days since the event)

You reached out to me recently. I’ll never understand why. You have a family now. A beautiful son and daughter. The girl you cheated on me with, you gave her a child. It’s so fucked up. And you felt the need to send me a message. You know that I will always hurt because of you. Please leave me alone. I just want to be happy. And you coming into my life, knowing that i love you, is not making me happy.. Please let me grasp the idea that you’ll never love me

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

4.1.21 (17 months, 1 day since the event)

Every day that has gone on for the past 17 months, I have thought about you, in one way or another. I stopped seeing my therapist because it just felt like I was being judged in a way. I don’t know how to explain it. Oddly enough, I think being able to cope on my own is helping? I don’t know, I’ve never fully gone through anything like this , so I don’t know for 100% if anything is helping.

I started a new medicine, on top of my other one I’m already taking, as of yesterday. My depression has gotten so bad that I’m officially taking a dopamine inhibitor released or whatever, idk what the scientific name is for the type of medicine it is.

I’ve been so clumsy today. The whole reason all of this ties in is because I thought of you today. I was taking a shower and as soon as I stepped out, I remember looking at the floor. I never realized how similar my mother’s bathroom floor looked like my bedroom floor at the old house. It immediately sent me into this flashback of the event. It was oddly terrifying.

It sucks to wonder about you, because I’m ready to get over you. It’s kinda stupid. In the same sentence however, I don’t want to get over you. It’s hard being caught in between feelings and not being sure how to be “okay”.

I dunno I’m just lost, maybe.

My hair is past my shoulders now. The last time you saw me my hair didn’t even pass my ears. How crazy is that? So much time has gone by.

Time flies, whether you’re having fun or not.

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

3.21.21(16 months, 21 Days since the event)

It’s weird to say, but I’ve been keeping myself busy to not think as much. It’s strange to think about. You’ve had another kid, from all I know. I don’t really know much else about your recent life and things going on around you. As far as I go, however.

I’ve started work as a freelance artist/illustrator. I’ve been studying pretty heavily and doing the most that I can to improve in my work. It makes me happy, to be completely honest with you. Thinking back on how in high school as a senior and how I wanted to go to school for computer animation and background design. I went through the cycles as I got older, lost in the direction of life that I wanted to go into. I think it’s pretty neat. I didn’t fall full circle, but I realize all this time I did know what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve started writing a manga/comic/whatever you want to call it. I enjoy it thoroughly. I’m finally enjoying something and I truly believe that this isn’t just some “phase” of a hobby. I have oriented around art basically my entire life. But right after high school, when my father had told me that art school wasn’t real school and I wasn’t allowed to go, I kind of “gave up” on my dream. I had that horrible mentality in my head that had rubbed off of me. It was extremely dumb, but hey— I found my way again. I’m not where I necessarily want to be in life, but I’m finally starting to realize some of the things that make me who I am and who I want to be. Art is a major factor in that. For once, in a very long time, I’m starting to feel clarity.

I have felt lost for a very long time period in my life. It’s so strange how it all happened. I kind of just woke up one morning and decided that I would try to pursue art once more. I was so sure that I wanted to at least *try*, you know? It was like a “wild hair in my ass”, as my mother would say, haha! It makes me smile to see how I just started this process on February 23rd. Since then I have excelled and continued to study anything and everything I possibly can, and I’ve even been taking commissions for my artwork!! It’s so awesome!! I went out and bought an ipad (in full :D!!) and I’ve been doing all of my work since on it. It works so wonderfully. I spend almost everyday, of course giving myself breaks in between to avoid burnout, studying and working from 8 am to 3 am. It feels natural to me. This is how I used to spend my entire high school life. I love what I do, I love studying, I love seeing progress. It’s all so wonderful. Sure it may not be a guaranteed job since the money can fluctuate between seasons, but God... Do I love it. The fact of the matter isn’t even about making money, in all honesty. If I could survive without money I’d do the same thing all day all night for the rest of my life. It feels nice to finally understand a part of myself just a little bit more. (‘:

I’ve also been watching my favorite tv show to ever exist. I remember we tried to watch it when we first met, you always called it cheesy xD but you ended up starting to love it. It’s a shame we never got to finish watching it, because it’s so good. I’m only on the second season and there is a couple of things that I’m seeing in the show that I didn’t pick up on at first, and I find myself laughing or crying over some of the scenes. One Tree Hill will just always have a soft spot in my heart, not because of anything other than the memories I have of my mother and I watching it when my parents had first divorced. It’s nostalgic (‘: I love it so much :D

Oh! Also, haha I have one other thing. My dog is getting kind of chunky, LOL so he’s been going on walks and hikes with me. I took a long break from walking and hiking regularly since it was so cold outside all the time. But now that it is finally Spring, I can start going on hikes and such again. I love how beautiful it’s starting to look outside again. It feels like things are finally starting to go right. I won’t get my hopes up, but I will keep a hopeful mindset. I think the past almost two years have been really eye opening for me. Last year was so extremely rough on me, so finally I feel like I may be getting a break, even if it’s only temporary, I will live in these next few moments.

I once heard a wise person say that life is twenty five percent happiness, and seventy five percent pain and sadness. I do think that this is extremely accurate, but once again-as I will always say... What would life be if it was nothing but happiness? Would it even really be happiness? Would there be good times if there were no bad times? I do feel like things are worth going through, while extremely painful, to strengthen our character. There’s so many things to experience in life, and so many feelings to go through. It’s all a part of life.

Maybe it’s the weather talking, maybe I’m too eager and optimistic for my own good. Honestly I quite don’t care. I feel great. I’m healthy, enjoying my life, AND the weather is so nice.

Things are finally starting to look up.

#letters to you #happiness #love letter #my true self #found myself #letters to the one i love most #letter #journey