liviingeuphoria

[liviingeuphoria]

[liviingeuphoria]

By julia.bimbat

[liviingeuphoria]

sometimes people are mean just to be mean. they need something to be mean about or they have a fucking muscle to flex. don’t be surprised by how basic some people can be unprovoked. mastering calm, it’s a game changer. once you realize that people, and this is rampant in American culture, relish the idea of seeming hardcore or just find it second nature to be a dick, take note of that. i remember I said noted one time to a mf that apparently had a point to prove and they had to flex. i was like 👍 oooooooo k lol. you must feel like you somebody now and whatever makes you feel better, do it. look, sometimes that’s all they have going for them. i’m all about folks doing what makes them feel good. i do not participate in the unnecessary negativity and hostility that people weirdly enjoy. emotional control is the key to life man. let people be them without having to match them…i’m doing it but there is still work that needs to be done on this. i’m human lol.

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i just got fired for the most juvenile shit…a huge power play because those in power can abuse it. you will never be able to prove it though. i’m so tired and as i say i’m tired, i’m more scared, apparently. because if i was that tired i would buckle down and really pour into my business ideas. stop working for these assholes who only want to pay you pennies, barely enough to survive and then have zero respect for the work you put in. no integrity or character. instead, i keep asking myself who would want what i have to offer. i know what i should be doing and my body is not doing what i want it to out of fear. so here i am talking to myself at 12AM. “you do not have a choice anymore. you have to do this. you have to make it work. it’s for this baby, it’s for you. it’s for your sanity. you have to figure this out. you’re about to hit rock bottom. you have to do SOMETHING. save yourself.” i wish nothing scared me. i wish i wasn’t such a coward. real shit.

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I wish I wasn’t ugly. Why couldn’t I just be a pretty girl?

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Whooo

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I loved their brief connection. 

George and Birdie in QOTS 4x02

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days like today test how strong i am. i’m being tested and i can’t necessarily talk to anyone about it. hate trying to explain and i’m sure no one wants to hear “excuses”

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i struggle the most with matters of the heart. i love my family. my son, my parents, my sisters, my kid’s dad, they are important to me. but there’s always this feeling of distance. it doesn’t matter who it is, i can never really be 100%. there’s a wall. i love my friends. i would say i have two good friends. they don’t really know me because i have this irrational fear of judgement maybe? keeping people at arms length is how i survive, i think. that’s how it feels to me. like i need to keep all of myself for me and me alone or i’ll disintegrate or some shit. does anyone understand or does this sound ludicrous? i mean, this characteristic i guess i should call it, is at its worst with men. romantic relationships. perhaps i can articulate it, i’ll try. it’s kind of agonizing. i love my alone time. i love that i don’t have to feel impressive at all times. there is no man that i have to worry about judgment but i am present in mine. how would anyone feel about me if i were just uncut and raw? i worry mostly about men. am I safe to be all me with him? can i relax and not feel like i have to be a 10 all day, everyday? can i trust him? can i trust myself to choose the right guy or at the very least someone who respects me but turns me on at the same time? am i wrong for wanting to be turned on physically when i should only care about the person on the inside? how do i accept myself so that i enter a healthy romantic relationship without all of this crippling fear? will i reject sensual love forever because of this fear i’ve developed with romantic and sexual intimacy?

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Me. I’m truly sorry but

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it’s hard. it’s hard to wake up in the morning and feel so physically unattractive. it’s hard to wake up and feel like you can’t do better than what you’re doing personally and professionally. it’s hard failing at changing your financial situation. it’s hard to see other people doing it and making it look so easy. it’s hard to face love, relationships, intimacy. it’s the fact that i want to be alone but then i don’t. it’s hard feeling like i’ll never be able to trust people let alone a man. it’s hard knowing i can’t be 100% myself if i want to be accepted.

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yesterday was tough and i know what the problem was. i haven’t been taking care of myself. i’m stressed out. i’m confused. i’m scared. i’m lost in a way. i thought i found my purpose in education but i’m not sure now. do i have what it takes to create something that will completely change the landscape of education? if not me then someone else will do it, no? why is it that i can’t move this big ass wall of not believing in myself?

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i was in new york during september 11th. i was in grade 6. i vaguely remember the details. But as i ponder, i can see or rather feel, the fear that permeated from some teachers. i can see myself in the cafeteria with people crying. i think we went to lunch but were sent home shortly after. i distinctly remember getting home and wondering where my parents were. i knew something was not right and i wanted to make sure they were safe. the television channels had been reduced to three that only showed the attacks that had taken place. i remember the relief i felt when both my parents returned home. but i did not understand how blessed i was at the time. for years i ignored the depth of what truly happened that day. it was this year that i researched how bad it really was. people jumping from a building as high as the twin towers with hundreds of floors. fucking surreal, that’s the perfect word to describe how i felt all those years ago and even now. jumping because they had no choice. hitting the ground like fragile cracked eggs. the panic and hysteria, the emergency professionals that gave their lives in an effort to help. the clean up in the aftermath, the trauma so many endured. the people on the plane that must have been so terrified in their final moments. the magnitude of terror that was felt that day. and to understand that a person was responsible for this act that is so beyond evil. there is truly no word to describe it. and to understand that america is just as ruthless and evil and soulless if not worse. and to understand that innocent people, genuinely good, honest people will always be caught in the crossfire of nonsense like this.

#September #september 11 #the twin towers #new york #ground zero #remember #rememberance #terrorism #terrorist attack

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today i snapped. i was a pressure cooker that reached the max. i feel a way about how i lost control but i mostly feel shame. i have to admit that it’s more important to me than i thought, being liked. i’m at this job that i love and i want everyone to like me. that tells me that i haven’t evolved as much as i thought i did. i have been dodging and over taking my triggers for over a month now with this new mindset in this new environment. this upgraded outlook on mental health and positivity has taught me that it is all about perspective. you have to control your mind. i was doing it. i was getting on fine until today. all of those triggers were still there and lack of control metastasized into loss of control. my emotions boiled over and no matter how much i talked to myself, i couldn’t hold the tears anymore. i’m embarrassed. it’s silly to think that you can be healed from your mental illnesses. i think in most cases this is just not possible. i got home today with a more intense headache compared to the one i had yesterday. through the pressure in my temples i could see myself. i was reminiscing on the events of the day. i was seeing myself from the outside, third person and i’m like, who the fuck is that? i don’t like her. i just do not want my past to penetrate this new life and career that i am building. i lost sooo much of myself, my time, my joy back then. i don’t want these new people that i want to like me to see that person. that girl was supposed to be dead and buried. such shame. and this is how it all began. my mind asking questions about how people see me, if they like me, if they will accept me. i can’t go back to that, i won’t. not after all of the work i put in for my health and my family. and so now i know this, i have to be okay with being judged. i have to make peace with the fact that i am who i am and not everyone will accept me. my mental health struggles are a part of me that cannot be understood by everyone. i have to find a way to be okay with that.

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“…And please remember that you were beautiful before he told you that you were.”

— Thank you so much for this, h-allo. (via c-oquetry)