maellise

[maellise]

Window

I opened the window of metal and glass in the hallway of rooms with people living in it. Its coldness sting my fingers; an electric shock that jolted my body. I pushed it far away for the wind to graze on my face, both comforting and saddening at the same time. I took a step closer to the window, slippers clicked against the cold tiled floor. I stared at the yellow lamppost at a nearby lot, inhaled another breath as the cars honked nearby. I closed my eyes and counted. One to ten. From twenty to fifty. A hundred to a few more hundred, shifting my weight from one leg to another. I pushed my hair back and wondered how much of this night I could take. The sky looked the same, of purple and gray color against the yellow lampposts viewed from the window. The humming of the engines from the street is a lullaby I used to get by. But also lullaby that became my nightmare. I put down my phone, shoved my earphones back to my pocket, closed the window of metal and glass. I counted from a hundred to a few more hundred. Fifty to twenty. Then to one. Then zero became my last.

[maellise]

To you, my drug

I know from the start what you were capable of. I know for a fact that you act as if you don’t really care. I know for a fact that when I get to know you, you will be my drug. Drug in a sense that I know you’re not exactly right for me. Nor I see you as more than what we have right now, whatever it might be. I know that I will be drawn to you even though it’s wrong. I know when we kissed that night, whatever we have, would someday end quickly. I know that.

When you first came into the room, I was intrigued by you. Something about you that makes me want to know more. I was doing okay then, alright? I was doing fine on my own. I didn’t have any guy that has my attention. I didn’t want anything to begin with. All was well until you started to befriend me.

But even after all those signs, I didn’t move away when you kissed me after we hung out. I didn’t move when you touch me. I didn’t stop myself from doing things with you. I didn’t want it to stop. I was becoming more and more addicted to you. My drug. I’m hoping that someday I will wake up and realize I deserve more but right now, I’m falling. I’m sinking.

[maellise]

How Does It Feel to Die Just Once?

To feel everything stops at an instant

To know I’ve reached the end

To have my line straight

Eyes fixed and body stood still

Dead

Blank

Cold

Every dream and every hope

All gone in just a blink

.

How does it feel?

To die just once

Not twice, not thrice

Just once

 .

‘Cause as for me, I keep dying

Every day I see you beside her

Every time your hands touch hers

Every second your eyes look at her

 .

It is a cycle

It keeps on repeating

And I want it to stop

[maellise]

The Greater Importance

I used to beg for the reason, for the greater importance it serves me: of why you had to leave, of why we had to end. In the middle of the night, as I was lying down in the warmth of my bed, looking up to the ceiling, the world finally granted me my 11:11 wish.

You left me for me to be able to look at the sunrise for all its colors. It wasn’t just in Barbie pink that can melt every girl’s heart. It was also in fiery red, setting fire to the horizon. It was also in pretty hues of lemon yellow and sea blue, peaking through the softness of the white clouds; bringing happiness after the storm.

We had to end, even though we weren’t a thing, for me to be able to reconcile with myself. To know that my hands shouldn’t touch the people who won’t hold mine in the first place. To know that my mouth should only speak about the people worth telling about. Not for the people who lived their lives in hypocrisy and lies. Not for the people whose hearts were buried deep within their soul. Too numb to care. Too fragile to be weak. To realize I deserve so much better than what I’m getting.

You hurt me for me to realize you’re a douchebag. You’re not as great as I once thought you were. You shouldn’t be the one whom I had feelings for this deep. You don’t deserve this. You only care about a thing or two and when you’ve had enough, you’ll leave them hanging. You’ll go on your own separate way as if they weren’t used to be a part of you.

Of what greater importance? I wasn’t the same ever since. That’s the only thing I’m sure about. I wasn’t the same person you met and it’s either you helped me to be wiser or you made me so.

[maellise]

And when it’s over, you’ll say that it was just nothing. “Di naman kami eh” but in your heart, it is. It is something. And you have to pretend that he didn’t get a hold of your heart because he did.

[maellise]

Sometimes when I feel like the world is closing me in a box, in a solitary confinement wherein I'm constantly grasping for air and I can't see anything beyond the four-walled space I'm in, I close my eyes and imagine that I'm moving in fast motion. How the wind had felt as it brushes through my hair as I pedalled full speed when I'm riding a bicycle How I had pushed myself forward as fast as I csn when I'm skating in an ice rink. How the cold gush of air had calmed me even though I experience goosebumps. Because in those times, I felt in control as to where I'm going. I felt the freedom to do anything and to choose. And I don't want to forget that. I really don't.

[maellise]

Not Today; Not Anymore

I won’t write about you anymore.

I won’t write about how I felt when I was with you.

I won’t write about how everything was used to be back then.

I won’t write about love.

Not today.

Not anymore

.

Because it’s getting old

I wake up every morning catching my breath.

I keep bleeding to all the words I write;

Hoping my blood would be drained out of my body,

Hoping my wounds would heal,

Hoping you’d be out my system.

Someday, if not now;

Somehow, if not completely.

.

And the weather’s getting colder

Equating what’s thriving inside of me.

I can’t freeze myself to death.

I can’t let myself suffer;

Not anymore,

Not today,

Not like this.

[maellise]

#LetterToSomeoneIKnow

To you,

Who am I kidding? Who am I kidding when I tell myself that I don’t look at you the same way I did before? Who am I kidding when I say to myself that you aren’t special to me? Who am I kidding when I say that I only liked you?

Me. Just me.

I hate that I’m still here. I hate that I’m still here where you took off. I hate that when I look at you, I still see the person I used to know. I hate that you’re doing fine when I’m the opposite. You’re laughing, smiling while I have something missing in me; stolen. I hate that I deny the fact that I still have feelings for you. And most of all, I hate that I can’t tell anybody about this. Not my friends. Not myself. Not even you.

For this is stupid. For this doesn’t matter. For this is just nonsense. A fairy tale that a teenager made up in her mind about a guy that made her feel something. An illusion. A dream.

It’s time for me to wake up though. It’s time to face the morning. It’s time for me to not think about you at midnight, or at noon, or the afternoon and the evening. Harder than it seems, it’s time for me to take one step away from you. And oh how I wish I could someday say that this is just all a lie; that what I felt wasn’t true; that I was just blinded by my mere idea of you.

But who am I kidding?  I still want you. Every bit of you. My heart craves. I still want the feeling you gave me. Why did you go? Why did you leave? Why? Why? You were the only thing that made sense to me when everything was chaotic. You kept me sane. And now that you’re gone, you’re driving me mad yet you don’t have any idea about it.

Now I’m writing this down. For if you were ever to come upon this, know that this is dedicated to a guy who had once meant something to me. It was a guy who had an impact in my life. A guy who said to me that he finds it amazing that I just keep on writing. To the douche who never cared. To the idiot who I had arguments with. To the scumbag that made me laugh and cry. To the jerk whose heart was never mine. To the reason why I still believe I’m capable of loving. To the person who had read my work once, not knowing it was dedicated to him.

 Yes, stupid, I write about you.

This is for you.

[maellise]

Still?

You asked me, “Why did you like me?”

You weren’t that much to look at to begin with;

Just an ordinary person in the crowd.

Someone who wouldn’t really catch any attention

But somehow, in some way, you caught mine.

.

I guess it’s somewhere between our messages

Between the jokes that you and I made;

Somewhere between our laughter and smiles;

Between those looks you gave me and our petty fights;

Somewhere among them all,

That’s where I fell for you.

.

Glancing into your way,

Seeing you smile, seeing you talk

Seeing you sad and seeing you frown;

I know that I’m still here;

Still here where you left me.

.

And how I wish I could stop;

Stop liking you the way I did.

But I guess I can’t; I just can’t

Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this.

#fuck #ugh

[maellise]

You're too good for me and I'm sorry

[maellise]

July 18, 2014

To you,

It should have been like this all along, right? I glanced around and saw you on your own little world; a world that I don’t really belong anymore. We had a little conversation and it was just enough. No expectations, no false hopes. Just enough. Am I stupid to not realize this in the very beginning? When everything was so much simpler and we didn’t really care.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the same for me anymore. I know for you, it isn’t either. Everything’s changed. We both grew up in time. I live on my own world now and so do you but it’s not wrong to say that I still care for you, is it?

[maellise]

Your image stuck with me as soon as I saw you walked by. You look as if you hadn’t had better days at all. I wonder how you’re doing. I wonder what’s on your mind. Maybe I wasn’t doing myself any favour whenever I think of you; you who don’t care at all; you who grew up to be a person I never thought you’d become; serious, grumpy, and cold.

How can you do that though? You set your burning heart for only one person and set the rest to freeze. You had your eyes fixed for one person and black out all the rest, hidden, forgotten, in the midst of your past.

You’ve changed. You’ve changed a lot. Where is the person I used to know? Where did that person hide?  Did you bury yourself too deep within your confined space so no one would find you? Did you lock yourself up to not let anyone in?

 ‘Cause I would cross mountains, dig a hole or even walk a thousand miles to have it back. The only question left to ask is can I even find what’s left of it all?

[maellise]

As I lie awake, drown in my own thoughts, the dripping sound of the drizzle calms the last nerve that keeps the blood flowing in me. The thought of you no longer lingers but a good photograph starts to fade.

The sun finally sheds its light upon me for the moon no longer sustains; exhausted to the core. My eyes no longer reside in the blanket of darkness for the stars were always breath-taking but no one can touch them.

Scarred and wounded, I tore myself apart from the garden I’ve worked sweat and blood for, for I was haunted by an old friend; waiting for me to be put underground; waiting for me to crumble. Waiting and anticipating my own destruction.

Crackling stems and dried leaves were all I heard as I reached for the sanctuary. The gate. The exit. It keeps on repeating, echoing around; commanding me. The resonating voice, the only voice that I always used to hear, dived too deep into my abyss that I no longer feel its presence.

I no longer breathe the same air. No longer see the same light. I pushed myself to get away. Step by step. Every breath I breathe. Every road I take, the farther I am from the garden. One. Two. Three.

#finallyedited #prose

[maellise]

[maellise]

[maellise]

[maellise]