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mmhaterade · 1 year

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The 2023 Hater's Guide to the West Region

This blog is not in any way affiliated with the NCAA, its entities, subsidiaries, or member institutions. This is a humor site and should be treated as such. We’re all on our way out – act accordingly.

1. Kansas (28-6). When Texas beat Kansas to end the Big 12 (8?) regular season, the intrepid videographer shooting the game happened to catch a KU coed wearing a t-shirt which read “I (heart) Dick.” A-fucking-mazing. Look, I don’t have to tell you KU fans need this one seed, need the wins, need a title more than anything to justify their continued existence. They live in Kansas for fuck’s sake – Interstate 70 ends in Lawrence and you are stuck wandering the plains like Denzel Washington in Book of Eli until you reach Colorado, and the interstate magically appears again. There is NOTHING to do here other than watch basketball, and that says a lot, because I live in Iowa!

2. UCLA (29-5). This is a Bruin, right? With that face, I am 100% sure his name is “Crick Monin.”

3. Gonzaga (28-5). There is a new Constitutional amendment which clearly states you are no longer allowed to refer to Gonzaga as a Cinderella school. It’s been twenty five years - I think the slipper finally broke. They’ve now been in every final AP poll since the 2008-09 season, and have appeared in every weekly AP poll since 2016-17, a streak of 115 consecutive weeks. I will never stop laughing when eighth year senior Drew Timme appears on my TV screen. All I see is TIMMY from South Park. Fuck John Stockton.

4. UConn (25-8). Go back to the AAC! Biggest group of crybabies in the country and it isn’t even close. When their women’s team had an injury plagued season (lost five games including back-to-back games for the first time in 30 years), Geno Auriemma vented to the media and to his team, telling them they had three days before the conference tournament to fix things. Then he got in his car and drove home to Manchester, wishing he could continue westward. “The way I felt was I want to wake up in California in three days,” he said. “I just want to keep driving, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to come to practice.” Jesus man, just fucking quit already and move away from that awful place. Twitter account CrimsonCast put it best: UConn continues to fail to shake the perception that they are simply an analytics darling. Like an east coast version of the Mountain West.

5. Saint Mary’s (26-7). Every bracket, no matter the site, always lists this school as “Saint Mary’s (CA).” Why? No one is confusing this school for the archaeological dig site posing as a university in Maryland, or the all-women’s college in north-central Indiana where many of the enrolled students play for nearby Leprechaun U, also known as Notre Dame. No, this is the school – in California – that gets exclusive coverage on ESPN Australia/New Zealand. Sixty percent of the student body is involved in organized athletics here, so it’s a good chance you’ll be handed a scholarship and some sort of ball upon move-in. It’s either that or forced labor washing jockstraps.

6. TCU (21-12). Their coach gives out a pair of “charge socks” when a Horned Frog player takes a charge. There’s a big bucket of these colorful dress socks in the TCU locker room. Charge socks? You have to be kidding me. You are in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex, you can’t find a bag of blow or an extra couple of c-notes for your athletes? (Producer cuts in…garbled static…). Pardon me, I’ve just been informed that the “C” in TCU stands for “Christian.” There is no cocaine on campus. But NIL is legal now, surely you can find something other than a pair of sweaty dress socks to reward your unpaid employees. Perhaps a sad handjob from a coed who has already put on the freshman 15+15+15?

7. Northwestern (21-11). Congratulations, you finished top three in the Big Ten for the first time since 1960. You won your last conference championship 90 (!) years ago. You have made one (1) NCAA tournament and had to be retroactively selected as something called the Helms National Champion. Your most successful head coach played for Phog Allen at Kansas – in 1917! Northwestern basketball is the definition of futility. They are the Chicago Cubs of the NCAA; fitting for a program that markets itself as “Chicago’s Big Ten team” (insert jerking off hand motion here). Even if Northwestern won 25 games a season for the next 25 years, they would still have a losing record.

8. Arkansas (20-13). It is against state law to mispronounce “Arkansas'' while in the state, yet their residents pronounce jalapeno “Holla-PEE-no.” Gun to my head, I wouldn’t be able to look at Sarah Huckabee Sanders naked, playing with a hula hoop, for more than a second.

9. Illinois (20-12). Brad Underwood is a bargain-bin Gene Keady who is very upset about “booty ball.” Every press conference he attends ends with him making a wet fart sound into the microphone.

10. Boise State (24-9). No one gives a shit about this team unless tater tots rise to $6 a bag – then it’s time to storm the blue court. I know exactly one person from Idaho and their personality matches that of the official state produce. This person is incapable of being corrected. They are always right. You are always wrong. If you say the sky is blue, their response will no doubt begin with “well, actually…” Boise is also not a state, you arrogant fuckhead.

11. Arizona State (20-12) or Nevada (23-9). Over 60% of the student body at ASU has some form of herpes. Unless you are a model, they throw you in an engineering building for four years. If you hate Duke just like the rest of America, you generally hate Christian Laettner and Grant Hill. But there’s one player from those early-90s teams everyone forgot: Bobby Hurley. As I’ve aged, my hatred for Hurley has waned, but I’ll always wish maximum pain for whatever team he coaches.

With the growth of legalized sports gambling across the United States, the University of Nevada has introduced several new classes for the 2023-24 school year: Kneecap Relocation, Intermediate Hammer Smashing Techniques, and Advanced Vig Calculation. Another new course addition as of Thursday morning: Getting Your Shit Pushed In By A Sun Devil Pitchfork. Too soon? Probably.

12. VCU (27-7). VCU stands for Very Completely Underwhelming. This isn’t a college, it’s an industrial laundry that has tricked 28,000 students into paying the institution to “work.” If you want a perfect example of the bloat in higher education administration, consider there are over 11,000 non-academic staff at VCU. Never trust a doctor from this school; they only practiced on centaurs.

13. Iona (27-7). Someone is going to give Rick Pitino the best 14 seconds of his life to coach for them.

14. Grand Canyon (24-11). By employing buzzer-beating Valpo alum Bryce Drew, this pretend university has already accomplished more in the NCAA Tournament than Mount Rushmore State, Hoover Dam U, Smokey Mountains College and SUNY-Niagara Falls.

15. UNC Asheville (27-7). Let’s have a quick check-in on how this college is doing. Student enrollment and retention are plunging at UNC-Asheville and top leadership is departing at the highest rate in the entire UNC system. While overall student enrollment in the UNC system has increased 7% since 2015, UNC-Asheville fell by a stunning 25%, the largest drop among the 16 public universities in the system. Of the incoming students UNC-A is able to attract, a high number of them leave before graduation. Retention of students, measured as those returning for a second year of school, is now just 68.6%, the lowest in ten years. Jesus, even Trump University would laugh at these numbers.

16. Howard (22-12). Howard students recently had to protest living conditions in on-campus dorms – mold, mildew, and rats are apparently very commonplace in multiple residences. It is 2023; the only sensible reason these alarming conditions should be issues on your campus is when you have outsourced every part of the student life experience to a call center in the middle of the Himalayas.

#march madness #college basketball #college sports #march

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mmhaterade · 1 year

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The 2023 Hater's Guide to the Midwest Region.

This blog is not in any way affiliated with the NCAA, its entities, subsidiaries, or member institutions. This is a humor site and should be treated as such. We're all on our way out -- act accordingly.

1. Houston (31-3). While coaching at Indiana from 2006-08, Kelvin Sampson wasn’t just into some hood shit, he was the chairman of hood shit. During his time at Oklahoma, he and his staff were subject to a three year investigation of their recruiting practices, and he was eventually barred from recruiting off campus for a year. After Sampson was hired at Indiana, he turned around and DID THE EXACT SAME THING, then lied to school and NCAA officials regarding his involvement. Sampson’s continued recruitment of an already committed player rankled some Big Ten coaches, especially because said player (Eric Gordon) eventually decommitted from Illinois to attend IU. Whether you call it a firing or a forced resignation (semantics, right), Sampson was hit with a five year show-cause penalty and landed in the NBA. As soon as the show-cause penalty expired, Sampson immediately rejoined the college ranks, hiring his son and daughter into the Houston program as well. Nepotism, baby! Qualifications be damned!

2. Texas (26-8). This school’s motto should be “Unrealized Potential.” Every coach they fire experiences almost immediate success (see Rick Barnes, Shaka Smart). They fired Chris Beard for tuning up his fiance and everyone assumed he would be out of coaching for a few years…NOPE! Ole Miss snatched him up right away. There’s a non-zero chance of a statement being issued which reads in part “We looked into the Chris Beard situation, we did our due diligence, we didn’t not talk to his fiance, we know more about this situation than Chris Beard himself.” When you’re a power conference basketball program barely sniffing relevance, you’ll be more than willing to trade the shred of your remaining integrity to hire a guy who’ll most likely cave his wife’s head in with a blender someday.

3. Xavier (25-9). Xavier is a dollar-store Marquette. They should not be confused with prominent HBCU Xavier University of Louisiana, which is funny because Cincinnatians love them some good old fashioned race riots - in the 21st century!

4. Indiana (22-11). The glory days of this program are so far behind them, one must squint at images broadcast from a VHS tape to remember when they dominated the old Big Ten. The university has continued to punch themselves in the dick with coaching searches: removing an interim tag after one upset (Mike Davis), taking on another university’s problem (Kelvin Sampson), pretending they didn’t know the 2-3 zone from a team WHO PLAYED 100% ZONE DEFENSE (Tom Crean), or chasing fleeting success (Archie Miller). It took Indiana too long to realize Archie was a bargain basement Knight knockoff who couldn’t cut it in a major conference. Mike Woodson has proven Carmel dads know jack shit about coaching; he is a high-level recruiter, his players love him even when being held accountable, and – surprise – he’s taken three of four from Purdue. I don’t know, could they get hot and make a run? Sure…but there’s too much inconsistency, the defense has fallen off a cliff, and they still can’t hit free throws when it matters. So…FINAL FOUR BABY! (I am ready to be hurt again.)

5. Miami (25-7). If you want to know how little people in Miami think of the Hurricanes’ basketball program, here is the perfect anecdote: the university gave up basketball from 1971-1985 and no one even noticed! The best season in their history ended with a 26-point drubbing to Kansas (2022) – even Marquette waited until the Final Four to get hammered by the Jayhawks. Miami also sports a 28-year gap between NCAA tournament appearances, which is still 19 years shorter than Wisconsin’s gap. Have I mentioned we are ecstatic Wisconsin didn’t make the tournament?

6. Iowa State (19-13). Everyone likes UNI, the small, plucky state school who manages to make some occasional noise in the tournament (see 2nd round upset of Kansas in 2012). Iowa, the flagship state institution, gets a lion’s share of the publicity – even if their football team’s offense is stuck in 1897. Meanwhile, here are the Cyclones, the sad middle child everyone forgets is in the room. Even though the Hawkeyes have not made a Sweet 16 since the Clinton administration (Iowa State has been to three in the last decade), they are the first and last name in Iowa sports. The Cyclones could make the Final Four and most Iowans first response would be “Hawkeyes Big Ten Champs in ’24 – book it!”

7. Texas A&M (25-9). Buzz Williams’ blood type is sweet tea and hooker tears. He has always been the opposite of genuine. He preaches loyalty, cohesion, and talks about his programs being family, then packs his bags when things get tough or when he feels like he’s not getting the love from whichever university employs him. He’ll tell you he doesn’t want the Texas job, but he is always angling for something better while being destined to coach in out of the way places (A&M, Virginia Tech) where folks are easily fooled by his aw shucks charm and phony Bible-beating rah-rah bullshit. Texas A&M is basically a JUCO, so Buzz’ recruiting strategy hasn’t changed one bit. He is nothing but a fraud, a snake oil salesman, a charlatan. Buzz always looks like he just finished a dip, a tug, and a Polish sausage in a Wendy’s bathroom.

8. Iowa (19-13). No one is going to accuse the Iowa offense (basketball edition) of being boring – but they will accuse Fran McCaffrey of being an embarrassing malcontent. “Upset” is Fran’s default setting, as noted on the official FRANCON Alert System.

Iowa has yet to make the Sweet 16 during McCaffrey’s tenure. I hope an Auburn player stares him down like he looked at the ref in that Michigan State game. Lighten up, Francis.

9. Auburn (20-12). This is a de facto home game for Bruce Pearl’s completely forgettable squad, which is odd, since I thought only the top four seeds were protected. All Auburn fans look like Joe Dirt, 77% of them own a pair of TruckNutz and at least half are sitting in the wilderness fantasizing about their cousins.

10. Penn State (22-13). The nicest thing I can say about this school is the ratio of molestations has dropped significantly across all of their athletic programs – that we know of. Their football uniforms are classic and regal while the basketball uniforms all came off the rack from a sporting goods store that’s going out of business.

11. Mississippi State (21-12) or Pittsburgh (22-11). Mississippi State is best known for its storied history of not allowing its basketball teams to accept postseason tournament invitations if they would face African-American players. Mississippi was the second state to secede from the U.S. in 1861; if memes existed then, the most likely response would be the one of Jerry Seinfeld eating popcorn while saying “That’s a shame.”

Pittsburgh. #SadPittBearForLife. Other than wanting Greg Elliott to go for 30 points in an NCAA game, I could honestly give two shits about this team, university, or town. Choke on soggy French fries.

12. Drake (27-7). They didn’t sniff the tournament from 1971-72 to 2006-07 and then again from 2009-2021. Woof! They play their home games in a converted port-a-potty cleaning facility (checks notes)...actually, I’m being told it is a sex offender work rehabilitation center. The average age of their starting lineup is 25.3, which basically makes them a YMCA mercenary league team. The last five years of Drake basketball have easily been the best in program history; unfortunately the youngest students who were alive for their only Final Four appearance are now 72.

13. Kent State (28-6). The Golden Flashes are back! Is Akron a nice place to live? Silence, followed by “Yeah?” When I find out someone willingly lives in Akron, my reaction is a not-sarcastic-at-all “I’m sure it’s a wonderful place full of wonderful people.” How many more train derailments need to happen in this state for Akron to become a “Top 5” city? The over/under is a dozen. It doesn’t really say in Kent State’s recruiting materials, but I am confident there is a Golden Showers Enthusiast Club on campus.

14. Kennesaw State (26-8). Their Division II national championship banner from 2004 was found in a storage closet, which is exactly where the newspapers celebrating their first NCAA appearance will be found in twenty years when they make their next appearance. The official university website states “As one of Georgia’s most innovative institutions in teaching and learning…” Who are they kidding? No one teaches shit in Georgia and the most useful information you can glean from their public school system is how to insert store brand hemorrhoid suppositories.

15. Colgate (26-8). Aren’t they better known for their toothpaste? They gave Wisconsin – not a university, but a bar crawl with housing – quite the scare last season. Their Wikipedia page is the saddest thing I have ever seen.

16. Northern Kentucky (22-12). In Indiana, if you don’t know how to shoot a jump shot by the age of 12, you are forced to move to Kentucky. Their team motto? “I back the Dew.”

#march madness #march #college basketball #college sports

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mmhaterade · 1 year

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The 2023 Hater's Guide to the East Region.

1. Purdue (29-5). Since the 1993-94 season, Purdue has been undoubtedly much better in men’s basketball than their fellow in-state rival Indiana. During this time, the Boilers have 635 wins (580 for Indiana), 7 Big Ten championships (3 for IU), 22 NCAA tournament appearances (18 for IU), 10 Sweet 16 appearances (4 for IU), 3 Elite 8 appearances (1 for IU), and a whopping twelve top-4 seeds in the tournament (3 for IU). Purdue has also been lucky enough to have employed just two head coaches during that time, while IU has cycled through the husk of Bob Knight and four other coaches (now a fifth). And yet despite turning into a juggernaut and dwarfing all the success of their hated rival…IU still lives rent free in the head of every Boiler fan. Rent free because this team will ALWAYS be the little brother to Indiana basketball.

2. Marquette (28-6). Marquette is good for a Final Four run once every quarter of a century. Unfortunately, we are still five years away from this inevitability, but any showing other than last year’s evisceration at the hands of North Carolina would be a welcome sight for a program forced to endure Steve Wojciechowski for seven (!!!) years. Holy shit, he was there for seven years?!?! To experience Wojo’s coaching is to know what it’s like to wear a ball gag combined with a Roundy’s paper bag (with no holes) over your face. This year’s team was picked to finish ninth in the Big East -- by a bunch of idiots who underestimated the magical power of 77 ounces of Real Chili. No school has a cooler victory chant than “Ring Out Ahoya,” and fuck you if you think otherwise. P.S.: Tyler Kolek has previously or is currently finger-banging your sister.

3. Kansas State (23-9). Reading about this squad’s history is simply depressing, considering their best run (Elite 8 in 2010) is better known for a double-overtime thriller where Gus Johnson orgasmed on live television. If you search “Kansas State men’s basketball history” on Wikipedia, you receive an error message that redirects you to the page for the Kansas Jayhawks. SI once published a fluff piece on famed wide receiver Jordy Nelson. The author loves to visit abandoned farms, pull down their pants, and rut mud. Wait, that may actually be a sociology class at K-State.

4. Tennessee (23-10). Historically, Tennessee ranks third in the SEC in all-time wins yet has only one Elite 8 appearance and has only won their conference tournament twice since 1943. Sounds like Kentucky has owned the shit out of them for the last 75 years! Their Wikipedia site also asks if you meant to search for their women’s team, because of course you did. Speaking of them, do you remember Tyler Summitt? Are you wondering how he is doing after being named a head coach at such a young age? Well, he had an extramarital affair with one of his players, his wife was criticized for mentioning she hired him as an assistant at the Ohio high school where she was employed, and he’s receiving his mother’s state pension which will pay him $173,000 a year for the rest of his life. I hope he gets pegged by Ron Jeremy wearing a barbed wire condom.

5. Duke (26-8). My greatest regret in life is that they were not the first #1 seed to lose to a #16 seed. Do you want to know why people hate Duke? It’s not just because they win a lot of games, are always given the benefit of the doubt, and are ESPN’s favorite team. The real reason people hate Duke: every single person associated with this school, be it their faculty, staff, alumni base, fans, or even tangential supporters is a sniveling asshole. Fancy yourself not giving the proper respect to the Blue Devils for a 26-win season or an inevitable march through a mirthless conference tournament? You can fully expect to hear some sanctimonious whining until you bend the knee. Coach K retired last year and yet he will not GO AWAY. He is the Jason Vorhees of college basketball. They are going to trot Mr. King of the Assholes out for every UNC/Duke rematch for the next twenty years; after he dies, his goddamn casket will be wheeled out to the court. I have nothing good to say about this vile school. Fuck this fucking team forever.

6. Kentucky (21-11).

7. Michigan State (19-12). Tom Izzo is 68 years old but looks 88. Just look at him – he looks so inept; you can almost picture him trying to use FaceTime while screaming a spiel of f-bombs. The former Division II All-American has never left the state of Michigan save for a two-month stay as an assistant coach at Tulsa back in 1986 (Editor’s note: he is probably wanted for murder there. He has managed to coach the Spartans to eight Final Fours since 1999 (including three straight from 1999-2001) but has one championship (2000) and just one other championship game appearance (2009). Izzo does have an awesome recruiting class arriving for 2023, but in the meantime his best player is…Joey Hauser? Joey Hauser gets posterized more than Lauren Boebert got raw dogged during her days as an escort.

8. Memphis (26-8). Fun fact: putting “Memphis State” on the uniforms guarantees you will forget about the vacated national championship game appearance. Memphis? Never heard of them! Memphis State? Yeah, great up and coming program! Completely different school! Derrick Rose? Never heard of him! The Tigers’ current head coach is best known for starring in a 1994 movie about “blue chip” basketball recruits being paid to attend fictional Western University. Memphis' top assistant coach left his two previous head coaching jobs (at Missouri and Tulsa) amidst NCAA investigations. A perfect fit! The NCAA may be a corrupt, money-grabbing institution, but what kind of illegal activities draw the attention of the NCAA while coaching at Tulsa? Midget strippers for recruits? Dungeon methamphetamine lab? Fans of this team are super into barbeque bukkake.

9. Florida Atlantic (31-3). This is nothing more than a made up college who recruited Smash Williams of Friday Night Lights. Here’s a series of headlines detailing the adventures and exploits of FAU’s #1 fan, Florida Man:

Florida Man Breaks into Joe’s Crab Shack, Steals Alcohol, Leaves Poop as Payment

Florida Man Busted with Meth, Guns, and Baby Gator in Truck

Naked Florida Man Humps Tree, Punches Deputy

Drunk Florida Man Drives Lawnmower on Highway

Florida Man Gets Trapped in Porta-Potty, Busted for Drugs

10. USC (22-10). Coach Andy Enfield will always be remembered for orchestrating Florida Gulf Coast’s Dunk City. Still amazing ten years later! However, USC is at least the third program in this year’s field to have a “Kevin O’Neill era” at some point in their history. In case you’ve forgotten (and you probably have), Kevin O’Neill got into an argument with a prominent booster from a former employer (Arizona) while coaching at USC. USC has pretty much whitewashed any record of this guy coaching for them but the point remains: if your favorite team has a “Kevin O’Neill” era, your school has made a grave error. Here's former Marquette coach Mike Deane ripping Kevin O'Neill.

11. Providence (21-11). Ah, the luck of the weird creepy Friars. Providence is among the luckiest teams we’ve seen. This should tell you everything you need to know about the best season (last year) in their program’s history. Look at that chart about halfway down, among all the horrible low-level teams, it’s Providence! Not to be confused with the University of Providence in Great Falls, Montana because of their equal amounts of overweight white hags – which is interesting because Providence didn’t admit women until the 1970s. That was not long ago!

12. Oral Roberts (30-4). Oral Roberts was an American televangelist whose preaching emphasized “seed faith” which strangely, has nothing to do with masturbation. Roberts made a living extracting money (er, contributions) from poor folks via direct-mail campaigns, eventually leading a $120 million-a-year organization! Too many religious leaders use their sway as a tool to criticize those they feel are weak-minded or need saving. And they always need money! The late George Carlin once said “Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s ten things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you – and he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money.” Oral Roberts was no different – the money he raised went towards fine Italian silk suits, diamond rings and gold bracelets (always airbrushed out in photos), three Mercedes cars, and a home in Beverly Hills. Roberts was sued in 1988 by City of Faith Medical Center, who claimed Roberts and his son Richard were frauds who did not visit or heal patients in the hospital. That’s a perfect summation: these Golden Eagles are frauds.

13. Louisiana (26-7). Making their first tournament appearance since 2014, the “Ragin’ Cajuns,” coached by noted Creole chef Tony Chachere, whose roots date back to 1905 when he founded this college originally known as Southwestern Louisiana. They will be a popular pick in the first round due to their surprisingly competitive games as a #13 seed: upsetting Oklahoma in 1992, a five point loss to Tennessee in 2000, and a six point loss to Louisville in 2005 (since vacated). Their beautiful swampland campus features a full-scale hunting and fishing camp. You will remember their most famous player Elfrid Payton as “oh yeah, that one guy!” Whenever you play this team, you receive a free entry into the Tony Chachere's Creole Club.

14. Montana State (25-9). Montana might be a gargantuan place, but there is no reason for this state to have TWO universities, particularly when they both offer the exact same majors of study in Cattle Decapitation, Crisco Wrasslin,’ and Bobcat Normalization. All of their dorm rooms come with built-in sleep apnea equipment. Their live mascot is a 450-pound vegetarian named Lard Biscuit.

15. Vermont (23-10). Beautiful state? Check. Cool college town? Check. Legal weed? Check (if you are 21 or older). Killer mascot? Check. The 2004-05 Vermont Catamounts in the NCAA tournament introduced me to the genius of Gus Johnson. His play-by-play call of this game is sublime; when UVM guard T.J. Sorrentine hit a LONG three in overtime to extend a narrow Vermont lead over heavily favored Syracuse, Gus lost his mind. Given the chance, I would pick Vermont every year in our annual NCAA draft/pool, knowing full well they will not advance. They are allergic to offensive rebounds, have not beat a top-125 team all year, and must be sacrificed to meet Weber's insatiable blood lust.

16. Texas Southern (14-20) or Farleigh Dickinson (19-15). Texas Southern, of the Southwestern Athletic Conference (only two teams with winning records) is becoming a regular “who gives a fuck, we are watching the NIT game instead” play-in team. FDU finished second to Merrimack, losing in the conference tournament final. Merrimack is ineligible for the Big Dance as they are still transitioning from Division II to I. So FDU is fortunate to be playing at all (not for us, they fucking suck)! I wonder if the guys on the teams selected for the play-in games ever feel like Chris Farley’s character in the classic SNL skit Japanese Game Show. No, no…you’re not watching a tournament game, It’s a totally different game!

#march #march madness #college basketball #college sports

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mmhaterade · 1 year

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2023 Hater's Guide to the NCAA South Region.

1. Alabama (29-5). Nate “Quaker” Oats has a long way to go before his squad graduates to levels of orchestrated murder and cover-ups not seen since the 2003 Baylor squad – but buddy, we are getting close! Let me recap: their best player has yet to face any discipline for delivering a gun to his (now former) teammate, who committed a murder shortly after. As a result of the shooting, there’s now a five-year-old who will grow up without a mother because apparently “nobody fights without guns anymore.” The response from the university, athletic department, and head coach has been – at best – tone deaf and at worse, embarrassingly trite. Now, their fans are wearing shirts reading “Killin’ our way through the SEC in ’23.” Nuke this entire state from orbit – it’s the only way to be sure.

2. Arizona (28-6). They always manage to have a solid team despite their location in the middle of a desert. You know, playing basketball in a desert offers a lot of difficulties. Number one being, you’re playing basketball in a desert.

3. Baylor (22-10). During an external review of how the university handled sexual assaults, a final report stated Baylor administrators actively discouraged reporting of sexual assaults, the athletic department continually failed to address sexual assault and high-ranking school officials suppressed reports of 52 (!) rapes and sexual misconduct incidents between 2011-14. FIFTY-TWO. Like most institutions of higher education, Baylor is more interested in protecting their brand than their students. Cocaine Bear is 100% based on the daring and exhilarating adventures of Baylor live mascots (Buckshot and Juan) rampaging through Waco!

4. Virginia (25-7). If we wanted to watch the most boring brand of basketball ever, we would have invited the Wisconsin Badgers to this tournament. Virginia will always be the school for students not racist enough to get into Mississippi or Tennessee but too white to go anywhere else (looking at you, Sam Hauser).

5. San Diego State (27-6). Every year we are forced to read a myriad number of stories detailing how experienced (read: old) this team is, or how “it’s finally the Aztecs’ year!” Until this team employs traditional Aztec warfare strategies – capturing their opponents to sacrifice them in religious rituals -- you can count on them never making the second weekend of the tournament.

6. Creighton (21-12). Stop trying to make Creighton happen. It’s never going to happen. These idiot fans practically rioted when the basketball team hired a black head coach. For the last twenty years they’ve sported a full erection for white three-point shooters who can’t play defense. You might as well root for a team of IT project managers playing basketball while wearing those inflatable dinosaur costumes; they have the exact same chance of making the round of 32 as Creighton.

7. Missouri (24-9). The Tigers have not won a conference championship in 30 years. 96% of their fans pronounce the state name as “misery.” That is the perfect way to describe living in this state. Can you name one relevant historical “moment” about Mizzou basketball? Don’t bother checking the internet; their Wikipedia page is just a list of their records against Big 12 and SEC schools. This school has no redeeming value, every single one of their 24 wins could be defined as “empty,” and I would rather drink battery acid than watch them play.

8. Maryland (21-12). The charter member of the ACC will never be accepted as a member of the Big Ten, but oh wow, look at these bags of money we got from TV networks! Oh, well we guess you can join. Where do I start with these people?

Kevin Willard ain’t it. This guy bitched nonstop the one year the Big Ten played their conference tournament in NYC. He still looks like a penis in a suit.

The women’s team is tougher than the men’s team six days a week and twice on Sunday.

People usually riot when they are angry about something; these idiots do so when their teams win key games.

They had a student group called “The Turgeonites” who dressed up as…their head coach?

This program’s glory days ended before the ink could dry on Gary Williams’ retirement papers.

9. West Virginia (19-14). It’s hard for me to like anything Buzz Williams has done during his career traveling to various backwoods outposts of college basketball, but this moment of him dancing to “Take Me Home, Country Roads” on the WVU logo after a Marquette win in 2012 was incredible. Fuck Bob Huggins and his stool; get this guy a Lazy Boy recliner already. West Virginia recently gave Huggins’ stool a degree because its IQ is better than 2/3 of the student body.

10. Utah State (26-8). Between 2000-2010, the Aggies amassed the fourth most wins in college basketball behind Duke, Kansas, and Gonzaga, but nobody noticed because…it’s Utah. The campus boasts the oldest continuously operating college of business in the West. They are too busy claiming they invented fry sauce (ketchup + mayonnaise mixed together) and catching powder to pay attention to a bouncing orange ball.

11. NC State (23-10). It’s OK if you’ve forgotten about this school, what with their proximity to Duke and North Carolina – Chapel Hill. The Wolfpack have not won their conference since 1989 and their conference tournament since 1987. In the late 80’s, the program – led by Jim Valvano, now known as “Jimmy V” – was accused of grade fixing, lowered or waived entrance requirements for athletes, frequent drug use by athletes (hey, it was the 80s), and the selling of sneakers and game tickets for spending money. Look, those Cookout burgers and milkshakes weren’t going to buy themselves. Any school that boasts Philip Rivers and Russell Wilson as alumni can be rocketed straight into the Mariana Trench.

12. Charleston (31-3). They’ve had a nice season and are a bit under-seeded here but miss me with this team as a popular upset pick; four appearances in the last quarter century have netted a 1-4 record. Pat Kelsey seems like a genuinely nice guy though. Charleston is the 13th oldest institution of higher learning in the United States and their most famous alumni are “not good enough to be a Wayans brother” Orlando Jones and Erick Avari, a guy you vaguely recognize but HAVE NEVER HEARD HIS NAME UNTIL NOW.

13. Furman (27-7). Yes, this is a real basketball team – with uniforms, too! The always entertaining Eye on College Basketball podcast noted that this school should adopt FurMan – just a hairy beast – as their mascot, and I’ll never not think of that now. Fun fact: the university was closed from 1861-1866 so most students could enlist with Confederate forces during the Civil War. Cannon fodder indeed.

14. UCSB (27-7). What is a Gaucho and why has this university chosen a folk symbol of…Argentina as their mascot? Apparently, a gaucho is a skilled horseman, reputed to be brave and unruly. I usually laugh out loud when I think about horses, solely because of this skit. It was a horse.

15. Princeton (21-8). I fully expected this spot to belong to Yale and had a great writeup by longtime Hater’s Guide contributor CW. Everyone wants to pick these paper tigers because a long, long time ago they managed to upset UCLA in the first round 43-41. While you ponder that blindness-inducing final score, read the writeup on Yale anyway:

Yale. It’s always a question about who is smarter: Harvard or Yale students? Well, this story should answer that question. Harvard Pranks Yale With Hilarious Fake Admissions Tour. Harvard students buy Yale sweatshirts then march onto the Yale campus where they pose as tour guides. It’s not entirely clear how they do this without the notice of the Yale admissions staff (Editor’s note: they are dumb), but in the video, they attack a group of a half dozen prospective students and their parents and proceed to give a spiel that makes Yale sound far inferior. “Yale is in many ways Harvard’s little, perhaps less successful sister,” says one fake tour guide, who goes on to make fun of the excessive amount of Gothic architecture on campus. “Yale students are stupider than Harvard students, Yale students are not as successful as Harvard students, Yale students are not as attractive as Harvard students,” he says, while the touring families look on, weirdly unfazed. Even the potential Yale students are trash.

16. Texas A&M-Corpus Christi (23-10) / Southeast Missouri State (19-16). Neither of these teams has a snowball’s chance in Hell of upsetting Alabama, so when picking a rooting interest here, just think about where you would rather live – Corpus Christi, Texas, or Cape Girardeau, Missouri. Missouri just scares me for no other reason than a lot of people got their heads blown off in Ozark. At least in Corpus Christi you have actual beaches on a nice body of water -- the Mississippi River doesn’t count, you savages.

#march madness #college basketball #college #university #college sports

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