modern-major-wonka

[modern-major-wonka]

Y'all, the world is sleeping on what NASA just pulled off with Voyager 1

The probe has been sending gibberish science data back to Earth, and scientists feared it was just the probe finally dying. You know, after working for 50 GODDAMN YEARS and LEAVING THE GODDAMN SOLAR SYSTEM and STILL CHURNING OUT GODDAMN DATA.

So they analyzed the gibberish and realized that in it was a total readout of EVERYTHING ON THE PROBE. Data, the programming, hardware specs and status, everything. They realized that one of the chips was malfunctioning.

So what do you do when your probe is 22 Billion km away and needs a fix? Why, you just REPROGRAM THAT ENTIRE GODDAMN THING. Told it to avoid the bad chip, store the data elsewhere.

Sent the new code on April 18th. Got a response on April 20th - yeah, it's so far away that it took that long just to transmit.

And the probe is working again.

From a programmer's perspective, that may be the most fucking impressive thing I have ever heard.

#science!

[modern-major-wonka]

I got a tumblr, it really was quite great

I blog about a lot of things, but mostly what I ate.

I thought it was a sweet gig, it really was quite cushy.

Then they went and banned me, ‘cause all I ate was pussy.

#tumblr hoedown #whose line is it anyway

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[modern-major-wonka]

good god when the onions and garlic hit the olive oil..........

[modern-major-wonka]

Like my photography and want to have some for yourself? Then subscribe to my Patreon! Becoming a paid patron at any level gets you a digital version of my monthly Patron Print. Subscribe at the $5/month level and you get the physical version of that print mailed directly to you! If you like my art, consider throwing me some cash to help me keep making it!

#photography #patreon #shameless self promotion

[modern-major-wonka]

I can’t state enough how beneficial it was to work at the sex shop as my first retail job. We were encouraged to practice shutting down inappropriate behavior and it became a well practiced skill set. I had a flat stare, icy tones of disapproval, and a demeanor of untouchable scorn to back it all up. I could get the most hardened of perverts to back off or leave in a matter of sentences if they harassed staff or other customers.

When I moved on to selling mattresses I came prepared to handle pretty much any situation with the unruffled calm of someone who has asked Santa to stop touching himself and leave. To my vast surprise it was a skill I needed on the regular at the mattress store. For whatever reason men thought it was the height of entertainment to sexually harass me because I was young and cheerful.

They would always quickly learn they’d picked the wrong target.

One day a man strolled in, sizing me up as he came. He saw a young, tiny, afab person alone in the store and came to a stop way too close. He used his height to leer down at me and said, “I’m looking for a new headboard. Which ones are the best for sex?”

It was so stupid. He looked down at me with half lidded eyes and the grin of a man who owns an unmarked white van. He probably expected me to laugh uncomfortably or act flustered. He wanted to feel tall and powerful or maybe even sexy.

He was not expecting what he got. My face stretched into what could technically be described as a smile but was more accurately a threat display. The temperature in the room plummeted as I dropped all warmth in my demeanor. He took a half step back, suddenly aware that he was alone in a room with me.

“Well, sir, that depends on what kind of sex you’re having. If you are looking for a headboard that is grippeable, I suggest this model. The metal is rounded and wouldn’t hurt a hand gripping it tightly. However if you want something that you can secure with restraints, I recommend this wooden one as the slats are wide and quite sturdy.”

He looked liked I’d hit him over the head with a board and stared down at me blankly, taken aback by the authoritative way that I discussed the merits of his lackluster sex life. I met his eyes, a veiled threat in mine, and said, “Which one will you be purchasing?”

He tucked his tail between his legs and bought the metal one. I pulled up a thin layer of friendliness as I rang him up but he had the chastened air of a man who just ran straight into an iron pole.

Another time a man crawled up onto a tempurpedic and thrusted into an invisible partner. He gave a cocky look over his shoulder, sure that he was going to discomfit me as he asked, “How are these babies for fucking?”

I gave him a deadpan look and and said, “That depends on if you’re someone who has to rely on the bounce of springs for your thrusts. Memory foam beds are nicer on knees and joints for positions like doggy style but they absorb a lot of kinetic energy.”

He visibly deflated and got down off the bed with a vaguely ashamed air.

He bought a spring mattress.

#bravo #absolutely well done

[modern-major-wonka]

cannot watch the return of the king without thinking of that bad bootleg with the fucked up subtitles that said “this will be the end of Gender as we know it” instead of “this will be the end of Gondor as we know it”

#lotr #tdov #and i feel fine

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Happy Easter. You should have killed me when you had the chance, I promise you will not get another. 

[modern-major-wonka]

i miss cd drives. how could you just take her pussy away. likes its nothing

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Okay, I know I acted silly about this, but the fact that there is 1 singular year round roller skating rink in the city of Philadelphia home to 1.6 million people is kinda fucking horrifying when you think about the broader implications of it.

[modern-major-wonka]

HILDA

Homage to the 50’s pinup Hilda with my beautiful friend María, who is damn proud of her body and is never scared to show it.

©2021laurabfernández

[modern-major-wonka]

Okay with the caveat that I have not personally verified this, but it does appear to be supported by google support threads and their abuse policy--

User sloan_spencer_author on instagram reports that another author they know had their Google docs access suspended for sharing explicit content.

I know that lots of y'all on f1blr use google docs, so I'd encourage you to back up your work locally (on your hard drive/an external drive). I don't know what a good alternative is--I've been using Proton Drive (since I already pay for a Proton email) and I don't see anything in the terms of service about prohibiting explicit content, so. Maybe that and Word or OfficeLibre? Man, I don't know. Our cyberpunk dystopia sucks.

#the enshittification of everything

[modern-major-wonka]

“Nobody’s going to want to sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours to get from New York City to LA.”

Me. I will sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours. I’ll sit on it for days. I’ll write and read and nap and eat and then do it all over again. I’ll stare out the windows and see America from ground level and not have to drive. I’ll see the Rockies and the deserts and cornfields and the Mississippi River and your house and yours and yours too. I’ll make up stories in my head about the small towns I see as we go along. I’ll see the states I’ve yet to see because driving or flying there is a fucking slog and expensive to boot. I’ll enjoy the ride as much as the destination. And then I’ll do it all over again to come the fuck home.

[modern-major-wonka]

[modern-major-wonka]

The real reason millenials say "Adulting" is that that if you say something is "for adult reasons" or "grown up reasons" we've been trained to associate that with sex and shit when we just wanna say, be vague about our chore habits

#adulting

[modern-major-wonka]

New for $10+ Patrons: Livestreaming Randomly Generated Fiction

I’m reeeeeeally excited about this one.

As I mentioned earlier this month, the big new perk for $10 and $25 patrons will be access to an upcoming monthly livestream where you can watch and participate in the process of creating a brand-new short story from scratch.

Way back in March 2019, I started playing around with the idea of randomly generated fiction. (Psst! Free short horror story at that link, btw!) Short version: I have a bunch of dice with pictures on them. I roll five dice and write down what the pictures are. Then I start spitballing ideas based on those pictures. Then I craft a brief five-line outline (I’ve always had a thing for writing in fives, apparently). Then I write the story!

Well, at the very least, I make a damned good try at writing the story. (If you go through my Rgen tag, only about half of the 11 stories are anything close to finished.) Sometimes life happens! And sometimes an idea just isn’t salvageable. But it’s a really useful exercise and highly entertaining to watch when I’m in the idea-ing process, because at that early stage, it’s basically improv: I’ve got the materials, and I have to use them.

Basically Whose Line Is It Anyway but with writing. And more horror.

So if you’re one of the very kind and generous people who have found it within their hearts and wallets to pledge at or above the $10 League of Extraordinary Gentlepersons level (god, I sound like a PBS pledge drive coordinator), you’ll be able to tune in once a month and:

See me come up with story elements! I’ll be doing this a number of ways: using Story Dice, random title generators, map generators, prompt journals, and prompts from patrons!

Prompt me for a story yourself! That’s right, force me to write what you’ve always wanted! (Within reason.) You’re paying my salary, after all.

Watch my fiction creation process in action, through such thrilling mediums as: Scrivener! Scapple! Visio! And frantic Google searches to make sure I’m remembering bizarre facts correctly!

Point and laugh at me for 2-3 hours while I tear my hair out and try to come up with an idea that’s at least vaguely compelling!

AND SO MUCH MORE!!!1!

…Okay, not that much more, but in addition to the monthly streams, I’ll probably do random “This is how I use X tool for story creation/editing/etc.” How I use Microsoft Visio to create fictional family trees, for example (a large part of how I developed The Lion’s Paw, incidentally).

Does any of that sound enticing? I very much hope it does! Can you afford to become a patron? Then by all means, please do! Can’t afford to join up, or just don’t want to? That’s fine, too! Thanks for reading this anyway, I think you’re awesome. 😎

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Banner photo by Cliff Johnson on Unsplash

#writing stream #ethan's patreon stuff #do the thing

[modern-major-wonka]