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Series of Fcked Up

I messed up so bad lately. Not just once but twice or even beyond-- that I'm aware of. Baba is someone who never tells you that he's offended or hurt, he just shows it to you with his actions, and I'm the kind of person who's carefree and stupid! Urgh! I hate how insensitive I am to other people's feelings. I just say what I want to say without thinking things over. I wish I had glued my mouth shut! I so hate this! Especially when emotions are raging, I lose it and spit something out like a mad person.

I don't know how long Baba can last with this attitude. I can't concentrate on thinking about it. I'm scared. "No one can stand you." I remember my Mom's words and I hate them!

#thoguhts #thoughts #spilled thoughts

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Chronic suicidal ideation is your brain’s response to having no other coping skills. Your brain is trying to keep you safe with the comfort of knowing you can just opt out of [your problems] life at any point. Equipping yourself with better coping skills, better options, is the only way to combat this defense mechanism.

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“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”

— Unknown

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I've been feeling like an outcast lately. Unwanted and something that my family wanted to get rid of. They think of me so badly, as if all I do is hurt people and I do nothing but horrible things.

#thoughts

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Last night was the first time he fell asleep with our Video Call still going. I watched him sleep peacefully. I remember those times when we were in Manda. I would spend hours watching this huge guy sleep.

"What did I do to deserve him?"

#thoughts

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Baba in Busan, South Korea.

#baba #photographs

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Letter to Baba

Baba,

They say when you are in a relationship, you must cherish every moment and use your time together to get to know each other better. In our case-- well, in my case, it's the other way around. Since you came into my life, you have made me realize many things and, most importantly, about myself.

Before you, I thought so much of myself and less of others. Of course, in terms of feelings. I built too much wall around myself and boundaries that made me lonely. I'm so insensitive to other people's feelings. I'm afraid I only rely on what my intentions are. As long as I know my purpose is not to hurt other people, then I would think that whatever I do or say is just mere facts and don't care what other people's reaction to it.

Last night baba, you face kept on playing in my head. Your innocent and smiling face and my ugly bitchy rude face on the other end of the screen. I melted your smile with my evil remarks and look. I feel so terrible of myself. It broke my heart when you told me you felt so degraded with what I say and look.

I'm so sorry, Baba. I promise to work hard on myself and learn to control my emotions. Especially when I'm upset.

Thank you so much, Baba, for being so honest with me about how you felt. It opened my eyes to reality. I spat too much and sounded so sure, but it was all mine. I reacted too much without thinking you were jealous and sensitive because of lack of sleep. I'm so sorry, Baba.

I love you always and will always strive to continuously improve myself. Thank you so much for the never ending love and patience, Baba.

#thoughts #letterstobaba

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I get jealous of what I saw and even feel bad with it. My impulsive and childish side wants to kick in and suggested to do stupid things, but I'm already at the phase in my life that I'm getting old and tired to give a fuck about it.

Yes, I'm in pain, but it's not enough to fuel me to do irrational things. I'm way past my rebellious years and tired of it. So, I simply choose to give in and let go.

I know to myself I would never do things that I know would hurt him or even make him feel uncomfortable.. but also, it doesn't mean that he'd do the same. So I might lessen my expectations and give less fck about it.

#thoughts

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One of the best lessons you can master in life is to master how to remain calm.

Unknown

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It's crazy how trauma makes you push people away when all you want is love.

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“I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings. I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep with you in my arms.”

— Nicholas Sparks

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“If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present… Gratefully.“”

— Maya Angelou

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Our mental health is significant, especially in our daily lives and how we go through our tough times. It's tough to manage your mental health when you're on night shifts.

There are times when I completely don't understand myself. I hate these episodes because they affect the people around me and my daily functionality.

I'm still trying to get a hold of my daily routine. I need to master setting firm boundaries. After all, we are not here to please anyone.

Whoever crosses my blog, forgive my messy writings. My thoughts are everyone and so not organized. I know. I have ADHD so yeah.

#thoughts #deep thoughts

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“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch them transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves.”

— Wes Angelozzi

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FEAR

I didn't know what feel actually felt like until I met him and showed me what love truly feels like. I'm scared that I might fuck things up. I'm scared of every little detail that might make him think of me negatively. I hate this feeling.

Kanang mahadlok ko na basin naay mga butang na wala pa naku na discuss sa iyaha from my past na di siya maka uyon or naa koy mabuhat na para niya di maayo pero para naku wala ra. I'm scared, na basin di ko paminawon. I grew up in a house hold where my thoughts and opinion are always taken for granted. That despite how hard I work and help but with one wrong move I'm dead. They would condemn me without fair trial.

Sakit pero wa koy mabuhat. That's all I ever know. Ganiha, my messages were sent because of internet availability and immediately jump to conclusion. I was so scared na di ko niya paminawon. Good thing I was able to provide proof na late lang gyud na send. What if wala koy evidence? will he believe me? will he think i would do things that would hurt him?

#thoughts