neerdle

[neerdle]

the vocabulary of loss is the dictionary

[neerdle]

me and my mind everyday. cant really decide who to be

“Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me? The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed, and tired one?”

— Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

[neerdle]

every single time something good happens i’m always on edge, cuz it never stays good for long..

[neerdle]

I hate myself so fucking much I just don't want to feel anything anymore

[neerdle]

[neerdle]

reminiscing

isnt it sad? a year ago i had everything. a companion, a lover, no academics to worry about and so on. and now i have absolutely nothing. i lost everyone. the connection i thought i have built, was one sided the whole time. everything i hoped would be “the one good thing in life” was just a lie. everything in my life is a lie. i keep being with the wrong people, loving the people who wouldnt even do the same for me. what is wrong with me? why cant they reciprocate everything ive done for them? what is it about me that makes people want to leave? have i not done enough?

#bpd mood #mentalhealth #bpd

[neerdle]

I feel like I’m drowning again. I’m falling back into old, bad habits, losing motivation to do anything again and my self esteem has gone completely out the window. I’m not sure how to survive this time.

[neerdle]

bpd is not just bursting out in anger because you can’t control your emotions, it’s complaining, crying in front of your lover because of all the things that hurt you and the things you expect from him and later feeling guilty, hating yourself so much that you’re thinking you don’t even have the right to complain and the only thing you deserve is to be treated like shit

[neerdle]

love

oh how I wish people see love the way I do. This feeling is so rare to have. You may be scared that you’ll get pain from that, but please do remember that love is a magical thing. It is the most wonderful thing to have towards particular people. Doesn’t matter if its in terms of friendship or relationship, when you feel like you want to take good care of that person, then it’s love. Respect what you feel, tolerate them, share them to those people you love. Love is free. It can change your life in a way you won’t realize. It softens your heart. So let love in. You’ll never know the changes that’s coming your way.

[neerdle]

i would be the first to fall tho ngl 

my toxic trait is that i truly believe i could win a fight against anybody if i was mad enough. you might have the strength and size but i have pure, unfiltered rage

[neerdle]

“The weak breeze whispers nothing the water screams sublime. His feet shift, teeter-totter deep breaths, stand back, it’s time. Toes untouch the overpass soon he’s water-bound. Eyes locked shut but peek to see the view from halfway down. A little wind, a summer sun a river rich and regal. A flood of fond endorphins brings a calm that knows no equal. You’re flying now, you see things much more clear than from the ground. It’s all okay, or it would be were you not now halfway down. Thrash to break from gravity what now could slow the drop? All I’d give for toes to touch the safety back at top. But this is it, the deed is done silence drowns the sound. Before I leaped I should’ve seen the view from halfway down. I really should’ve thought about the view from halfway down. I wish I could’ve known about the view from halfway down.”

— Bojack Horseman, S6:E15 - The View From Halfway Down

[neerdle]

remembering

im not quite sure how to write about this the way ive been imagining it in my head since the day you left. its been a month and plus since we’ve seen each other, and ive been devastated ever since. what i meant by that is ive been feeling lost and i cant seem to control myself whenever i have those “episodes”. it was always easier when you were staying with me. ive always loved having a companion, or even surround myself with friends to keep me occupied rather than being alone with my own thoughts. i hate being alone with my thoughts. i hate it. i wish i could just end those negative thoughts with a snap of a finger. i dont get how some people, one of them being you, are so lucky to not have such mind like i do. you dont have those “episodes” i sometimes have, you dont have to feel things deeply like i always do, you dont take things personally like i am. i really wish to be that way, to be like you. but God somehow thinks its better if i have those things and make people hate me for it. i know that you dont even like me. you told me that you wish you wouldnt meet someone like me in the future. that specific sentence literally destroyed every piece of my heart. i couldnt believe that you would have the heart to say that. nevertheless, i still love you. i still remain soft and loving to you even if you never asked for it. you have no idea how much i want things to go back to how they were. i dont care if it was the time we were going thru hard times, as long as its with you. i wish i knew what happened to you, you were always communicating with me, telling me all the things that happened and were always there when i needed you. but youve changed. i wished i knew why.  

[neerdle]

ngl i’ve always hated the if you can’t love yourself how are you gonna love somebody else sentiment, cause me struggling mentally does not mean i’m unlovable or incapable of loving?? i was put on this earth to care for people, there’s so much love inside me even if i’m not well

[neerdle]

i hate when i’m spiraling and he says “breathe, it’s gonna be okay” ik in the grand scheme of things it’s gonna be okay but right now, in this moment, it’s not okay and i feel like dying.. so no, it’s not okay

[neerdle]

i wish i could tell someone the whole story of why i am the way i am.

[neerdle]

im a failure of a daughter

im a failure of a sister

im a failure of a partner

im a failure of a friend

im a failure of a student

im worthless

[neerdle]

Trying to tell myself that my loved ones are not the enemy, that people are not the enemy. The BPD is the enemy and I have to fight it. But it makes me tired.