nightengale82

[nightengale82]

I am not your daughter.

How awfully fucking tragic for you.

That the one person on this Earth

who revered you as a God

Who loved you more

than anyone had ever loved you before

In a way that defies all logic

In a way

that is not bound by time and space

In a way

That is pure

And Sacred

in every way

Would have to let you die alone…

In order to protect her heart.

I AM NOT YOUR DAUGHTER.

But I really fucking tried.

I tried SO hard.

To be good enough for you

to love.

To care for.

And to protect.

What fucking happened to you?

You failed us.

You failed me.

We are your life’s greatest accomplishments

And we wont even speak your name.

You wasted your life.

Why?

And now

How dare you judge me

for trying to find a way to survive

And be happy in this life

When you left me.

All alone.

To figure it the fuck out

on my own.

I was a child.

I was fucking 11 years old.

And you left me

To raise your children

And to comfort your wife.

You killed the version of me

Who BELIEVED

in Love,

And in fairytales,

And in herself.

I am not your daughter.

I cannot identify the “END”

of my childhood.

Was it when you left our home

On a beautiful sunny afternoon

in Southern California?

Never to return again.

Was it just another shitty day in paradise?

I was in 3rd grade.

And you never came home.

Was it before?

Was it when you brought that strange, ugly woman home

And locked the door upstairs?

And I got mad.

I popped the door open with a butter knife

And found you both naked sitting on your bed

Where my mother sleeps, while she was at work.

And I felt

Shame

For the first time in my life.

Your shame.

Was I seven?

I don’t remember

Did I hold your secret from my mother?

Or did I carry your shame?

Did you turn out to be: just like your father?

After, surely- you promised yourself

you would do everything different.

Because I am not your daughter.

Your daughter died.

The day you left.

I AM NOT YOUR DAUGHTER.

I’m just what’s fucking left.

#inner child #healing #HealingMessyMommy

[nightengale82]

Healing Messy Mommy #11

9.15.23

I forgive myself

for not knowing what to do

when you left.

I forgive myself for being in such

shock

anger

and denial

that I didn’t allow myself to cry for the next 30 years.

I forgive myself

for blaming me,

for

you

leaving

I forgive myself for turning my

grief and despair

into

anger and self harm.

I forgive myself for spending

the best years of my life

wanting to die.

I forgive myself for thinking that I had to be perfect in order to be loved.

I forgive myself for making everyone around me suffer.

I forgive myself

for constantly choosing to put myself in danger, poverty, torment and abuse,

because it felt familiar.

I forgive myself for never having any confidence in myself,

because

I was just trying to survive.

I forgive myself for being conditioned,

not to DARE

hope

for anything good in my life.

I forgive myself for never believing in myself enough:

to take chances,

to be vulnerable,

to take risks…

Or to let anyone really see me

Or who I really am…

Because then,

they might leave too.

I forgive myself for repeating all the harmful, toxic behaviors

I learned from you,

with children of my own.

I forgive myself for hating myself

for not knowing how to live,

and

how to take care of myself,

When no one

taught me how.

I forgive myself

for not knowing

how

to forgive you.

I meet myself

today,

In the space of forgiveness

Hoping,

that as I

LET GO

And as I let

LOVE

slowly

fill the hollow space

inside my bones

One day

I will learn:

how to forgive

you, too.

#AdultChild #Recovery

[nightengale82]

Healing Messy Mommy #10

To quote the lyrical genius Immortal Technique:

“If you go platinum, it’s got nothing to do with luck, it just means that a million people are stupid as fuck.”

There are approximately 334 Billion people in America today, in 2023.

How many people know what the actual definition of Feminism is? How many people are afraid to say that word? How many ignorant women have been unwilling to educate themselves on the topic for fear of being labeled a “man hater”? What does internalized misogyny look like, and how does it show up in our lives- as mothers? What is this new wave- this “modern day feminism” all you youngsters are all talking about?

Look I’ll be honest. I don’t know the answers.

I’ve been stuck in a happy little bubble: of love, nurturing and educating my children… and allowing myself the honor and joy of being loved and respected by a man, a REAL man: for their first time, ever, in my life.

Whatever y’all are going around calling “feminism” today… I want no part of. To be perfectly honest.

You can have your online dating, your only fans, your pronouns, your bare minimum “survival mode” mentality, your “independence”, your denial, your toxicity, your reality television, all that.

No thank you… I’m good!

I am awake.

Here’s the kicker: I have two daughters. I am not at liberty, not to care.

The reason that I care: is because of love.

God delivered a man to me that I don’t have to make excuses for. A man that I can trust. A man that has provided me a safe space, and absolutely refused to abandon me, when all of MY messy broken-ness got projected on to him, and I blamed him for it all of it: MY demons, MY trauma, MY lack of boundaries, MY inadequacy, MY inability to love, take accountability, and to forgive, trust, and let go…

When honestly, he was just doing his best. And guess what?

HE taught me how.

How to love: he taught me what it looks like: when you make a commitment to love a woman, and a family that you created, and SHOW UP everyday.

Embarrassingly enough, I didn’t know that,

that was a thing. 😅

I am so grateful that we found each other and that we have been able to choose each other… to have and to hold, in this lifetime, to share a family and build a life, and an empire, with each other.

By no stretch of the imagination do I believe that I have done anything remotely close to deserving this kind of love.

But you know who does? His daughters. My daughters. Our children.

And so I am very lucky, that I had enough sense to open myself up enough to love, just one last time and to take the chance.

Of course, now I see it wasn’t luck at all, but rather fate, and of course destiny.

Today, I create a new version of a word I am not willing to abandon: Ascended Feminism.

This is the kind of Feminism where I will respect what has been done, honor our accomplishments, but also examine what has gone horribly fucking wrong.

MEN AND WOMEN FUCKING NEED EACH OTHER.

We gain NOTHING by putting each other down.

Ascended Feminism demands that you honor the differences with in the masculine and the feminine, and do not deny any facet of either!

Ascended Feminism is doing the work to preserve, create and sustain healthy families, in order for society to evolve, and to raise the vibration of the collective, as a whole.

The American Family Unit is so rapidly deteriorating, so many of us are splintering into a million different pieces because we aren’t willing to talk about it, to get uncomfortable, to get to the bottom of this shit.

We have to do something about this!

We need each other! Boys need strong dads that can express the full range of their emotions, self discipline and self mastery without running away. Girls need mothers that can model healthy boundaries, value themselves beyond their appearances, and who feel safe enough to be in, and express their feminine nature.

That is my story, and I’m sticking with it.

More will be revealed.

#HealingMessyMommy #AscendedFeminism #AwakenedMasculine #DivineCounterpart #AwakenedFeminine #DivineMasculine #DivineFeminine

[nightengale82]

#HealingMessyMommy #9

Awakening. Healing. Transformation.

These have been the reoccurring themes in my life over the last few months, and I am so grateful to have been able to get to the other side of this whole “Dark night of the soul” business. I know it will take me some time to acclimate, process, integrate… and fully step into my authentic being, into my true power: my Divine Feminine.

There is a major problem today… Within our society, within our American ideals, within this insane narrative that is being forced down our throats: and we have been so programmed and conditioned to be “inclusive” and so “woke” that no one is talking about it.

I consider myself a “Die-Hard Feminist”

Now… that’s obviously not an official term or an ideology, it’s just how I like to describe myself; because I am a free thinker, I two have daughters I would kill for and die to protect… and I’ve studied Women’s History, so I’m educated in the topic.

Wake up, people!

Whatever you people are calling Feminism today- is NOT helping us.

It’s hurting us.

People are ignorant, blind to the harm it’s causing our youth, and the next generation.

I will be the first to admit, when the LBGTQ issue became a feminist issue… I didn’t see a problem. I personally don’t have anything against a marginalized community joining our cause, and was sold the idea that LBGTQ issues- are human rights issues.

Welp. I was wrong.

That was before trans people wanted to compete and dominate in women’s collegiate sports.

Fucking mind blowing that the people “in charge” would allow this to happen.

Or that Caitlyn Jenner would be named “Woman of the Year” by fucking God Damned People Magazine.

I’m sorry, but NO. That isn’t feminism. It adds insult to injury and the media isn’t going to gaslight me into believing that trans people have the same experience, I do- as a woman. Big, fat NO.

The last thing I will say about this topic is how horrifying it is that they push it on these teenagers at the absolute most vulnerable times in their lives. Statistically, many trans people who undergo the sex change surgery are suicidal at around 5 years after their transformations. How does this fix the problem?

This is not Feminism! You’re not going to convince me it is! Has everyone lost their fucking minds?! Wayyyy off topic!!

REMINDER!! The definition of the word Feminism is:

The advocacy of women’s equal: political, social, and economic rights to men.

And so because of all this trans business: that the media wants you to believe is the new “feminism”

We can’t even talk about the real areas that need to be addressed within the women’s movement today.

It’s a distraction to keep us divided, confused, and afraid. And I for one, am not going to stand for it any longer.

Here’s the thing guys. Your new “Feminism” is destroying the nuclear families across the United States. Think about it for a moment. I won’t even bother collecting the statistics to prove my point:

THE PERSONAL IS POLITICAL

Modern day dating

Children growing up in broken homes

Little girls having no example of healthy relationships

Boys having to learn how to be men from their mothers

The rise in alcoholism and addiction

The rise in mental health crisis in both sexes

This entire society is stuck in fight or flight mode in our relationships with the opposite sex because we are acting like there’s not a problem, and we haven’t admitted our childhood trauma affects our adult relationships. And now, we are dragging our children into it, and passing down unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors to them.

We are in denial of what is happening… until it comes into your home, and shows up in the people you love the most. And then we all gotta act like we are fucking okay? We’re just going to ignore the elephant in the proverbial room? In 2023?

NOPE.

Absolutely the fuck not.

We’re fucking better than this. We have to start talking about it.

This is not the legacy that I will be leaving to my girls.

Welcome back y’all, to

Healing Messy Mommy

Because Healing is Messy… and today, I GET to.

Stay tuned.

#BetterNotBitter #HealingMessyMommy #Gratitude #Abundance #AscendedFeminism #SelfLove #DivineFeminine #AwakenedMasculine #DivineCounterpart #SpiritualAwakening

[nightengale82]

Persuasive Speech: Feminism

Written by: Stephanie Christine Taylor   Dec 1, 2014.

Introduction:  

“When men are oppressed, it's a tragedy.  When women are oppressed, it's tradition.”

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Stephanie Taylor. 

Today I'm going convince you all to become Feminists. 

I'm going to do so, by giving you a little Feminism 101, and then I’m going to inform you about what Feminism has accomplished for us, and then explain why we still desperately need it, today. 

I recently became interested in this subject, this past semester by studying Women's History here at Ventura College, with Ms. Coffey, a course which I highly recommend to all my fellow classmates. 

So, to start: I have a quick question for you: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Feminists don't change anything!!                                                                                                      Now let's begin,

So what exactly is Feminism? 

Rebecca West once said “I myself have never been able to find out what Feminism is: I only know that people call me a Feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.” 

Webster's dictionary defines Feminism as: the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social and economic equality to men. 

That's all. 

It's the idea that women should have the same rights that men are entitled to.

There are many general misconceptions about Feminism, a few which I’d like to clear up:

The most popular being that Feminists hate men or (a little more extreme) that all Feminists are bra burning Radicals and Lesbians who hate men… FALSE

Women cannot be Feminists and Feminine at the same time… FALSE

Or that we no longer need Feminism…. FALSE

None of these things are true, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Also, you don't need to be a woman to be a Feminist: you just need to believe that women deserve the same rights that men receive. 

“Feminism is the radical notion that women are people too.” 

                                                  So now that we have a better understanding of what feminism is, and isn't…

Let's examine what Feminism has done for us lately.

Today, as Women, we enjoy many rights and freedoms made possible by our Feminist predecessors; most of which our younger generation takes for granted, without giving it a second thought. 

Women have faced the Supreme Court, been beaten, jailed and arrested, staged strikes, formed unions, and organized protests for decades in order to get us where we are today.  

Labor laws to protect men, women and children were all implemented by strong women dedicated to social reform in the 1920’s.  

Today, Women may vote and they may serve on juries. 

They can buy and sell real estate.

We have laws in place against sexual discrimination, and harassment in the workforce.  

We are allowed Maternity leave within employment.

Women are now allowed to participate in collegiate sports:  Thanks Feminism! 

If you're a woman, and you're sitting in this classroom:  Thanks Feminism!!

Today, Women of all classes also have access to birth control; while in the past, you only had access to birth control if you were wealthy:  Thanks Feminism! 

These are some pretty amazing contributions that Feminism has made to society.

                                Now let's consider, why we so desperately still need Feminism today...

Like me, you may have thought “Hey things are pretty good; we don't really need Feminism anymore, do we?”

Well, let's look at some of today's current statistics:

First: Did you know today the average women still earn .77 cents for every dollar a man makes for the exact same job?  While African-American women average .69 cents, and Hispanic women make even less at .60 cents per hour.

Secondly: In the United States: Women make up 51% of the population.  But 83% of Congress is male; and only 6 out of 50 states have female governors. 

Women are grossly underrepresented in all levels of government. 

Coretta Scott King believed that “If the American women would increase their voting turnout by 10% I think you would see an end to all the budget cuts and programs benefiting women and children.”

That being said, Poverty is largely a women's issue: as more and more families are being led by single mothers; and women dominating the lowest paid jobs all across the nation…

The poverty level for women has remained at historically high levels for the last two years according to the United States Census Bureau.

Finally: We live in a society that where rape, sexual assault, and general violence towards Women is largely trivialized and normalized, or made into jokes:

…a sort of social conditioning referred to as rape culture.

As a result, 1 out of 6 women in this room are survivors of rape. 

Three women in the United States are murdered by their partners, every day.

…And 15 million children are exposed to domestic violence each year.

When rape occurs, we often shift the blame to the victim (through the media and police investigations), and we rarely see rapists or child abusers brought to justice within the judicial system. 

We are teaching our daughters how to not get raped, instead of teaching our sons how to control themselves and respect a woman’s consent.  

This is unacceptable. 

These are just a few of some of the outrageous facts and realities that assure us, without a doubt, that we still need Feminism today, more than ever.                                                                                  Furthermore,

I’d like to conclude with why I personally have decided to take up this cause.  

I shared several statistics with the class this afternoon. 

I'm a woman of color a woman, a woman of the lower working class, and a mother, and survivor of sexual assault.  

I have experienced all of these issues first hand in my personal life. 

I am a walking statistic.

For me, having a daughter in this day and age is terrifying in many ways.

Past class surveys have revealed that the majority of people in this room are parents already, or plan to become parents in the future.

As a parent you instinctively want to protect your children, and bring them up in a better world.

I believe we have a responsibility to this younger generation, to leave them a better world.  

We can start by making our personal, political. 

We can get involved in our communities and city council.

We can utilize our right to vote, and vote more women into office.

We can talk to, and empower and encourage other women, our family and friends.

We can raise our sons to respect and value women, and encourage our daughters to be just as successful and as athletic as our sons. 

I believe strongly, that my daughter should have the same equal rights and opportunities as your sons. 

So with that, I will leave anyone who's interested with a list of resources, and this:

“Feminism has fought no wars, killed no opponents, it has set up no concentration camps, staved no enemies; has practiced no cruelties.  It's battles of been for education, for the vote, for better working conditions, for safety on the streets, for childcare, for social welfare, for rape crisis centers, for women refugees, for law reforms.  If someone says “Oh I'm not a feminist” I ask “Why not?? What's your problem?”

So in closing, I said that I was going to convince you all to become Feminists… so I have a few questions: Gentlemen, do you think that women are people?? Ladies, two part question: Do you have a vagina? Do you want to be in charge of it? YES?!?!

If you answered yes to any either of these questions:

Congratulations: YOU ARE A FEMINIST.

#happyfunnymommy feminist thisiswhatafeministlookslike

[nightengale82]

HappyFunnyMommy#8

My research paper for English V01:

            “I have not lived as a woman.  I have lived as a man.  I’ve done what I damn well wanted to, and I’ve made enough money to support myself, and I ain’t afraid of being alone.”

                                                                                                            -Kathrine Hepburn

            The topic for my research paper is how traditional gender roles for women have changed since the 1950’s.  I will first analyze what those roles were like during the time period, and then I will compare and contrast that with the roles women are expected to fill in today’s modern society.  I will conclude with my personal opinion on this matter, based on the findings and observations I’ve made during my research.         

            Back in the 1950’s, women were expected to stay at home to be devoted wives and mothers… they were professional homemakers.  Virtually all women were dedicated to rearing and raising the children in their nuclear families, as society dictated.  That was the only socially acceptable model for family unit.  Men were the “breadwinners”- the traditional role of a patriarchal provider was what was expected of them.  Women rarely worked outside of the home.  If they did enter the work force (which was very uncommon), they were only allowed to hold “feminine” positions, they were limited to being school teachers or secretaries.    

            In the 1950’s, this generation, Women married very young and very seldom attended college.  Higher education was reserved for men.  While some upper and middle class women did attend college, many were there in order to find suitable mates.  Most married and immediately assumed the traditional role of homemaker without ever making use of their educations.  The subjects women studied were limited to teaching, and later nursing.

            Men strictly pursued women in the 1950’s.  Both men and women married and had children at a very young age, and they stayed together.  Men were the initiators of any such relationships.  Women basically had to accept their best offer or proposal.  The divorce rate was almost non-existent.  Divorce was taboo.  According to my research, both then and now, women accept dissatisfaction within marriage in order to avoid the financial and hardships of divorce or single parenthood. 

            In today’s modern day society, women are free to enter the workforce and pursue higher education in all fields.  Women are able to study Law, Science, Medicine, and many other fields that were previously dominated by men, today.  Many women decide to put off having children till later in life, in order to pursue exciting and successful careers; while some decide not to have children at all and devote themselves entirely to a career that they are passionate about.  Women now outnumber men in college, all across the United States.

            Present day, women often pursue men, or initiate sexual or romantic relationships with them.  That was taboo 60 years ago.  Today we live in a social climate where women are more liberated.  They can ask guys out and pursue relationships physical or otherwise through social media or online dating in a manner that wouldn’t necessarily be considered aggressive or desperate (which would have been the case several decades ago).  Women can choose to have non-traditional relationships outside marriage, homosexual relationships, or partnerships with no plans to have children. 

            It is my personal opinion, that women today have more choice and opportunity to have happy and more fulfilling and satisfying lives than ever before.  I believe that with this opportunity, comes great responsibility.  Today women aren’t forced to marry it is a matter of choice.  Women have to choose more wisely with whom we decide to raise families with.  I believe that women today are expected to do it all.  We must raise polite and well-mannered children, have decent educations, successful careers and have happy long lasting marriages.  That is a tall order to fill to say the least.  I feel with so many unrealistic expectations on women, it is negatively affecting society as a whole.  Women are no longer taking the time and putting forth the effort that is required to raise happy, healthy, well-mannered, intelligent, and well-adjusted children.  The children who grow up raised by day care, grandparents, or foster care: who are neglected, didn’t have enough love, care, or discipline in those formative years: grow up to be adults with serious social and psychological problems, resulting in lives filled with drug addiction, crime and other undesirable adult behaviors.  Today, so much is asked of us as women, we have misplaced how important it is to raise a happy, healthy family.  It is monumental.  It affects the world.  Being a mother might not be the most prestigious, exciting, high paying, or most respected job in the world.  Let’s face it, the hours suck, you never have time off and can’t take vacations.  I would argue though, the benefits of doing a great job at motherhood outweigh that of any other profession…  As far I’m concerned being a mother, is by far the most important thing I will ever do… And the way I see it, if I’m going to do something, I’m going do the very best I can, to give it my all.  You should, too.

“To the world, you might only be one person, but to one person, you might be the world.”

#HappyFunnyMommy

[nightengale82]

#truestory#HappyFunnyMommy

[nightengale82]

HappyFunnyMommy#7

I am filled with so much excitement for this upcoming year! I get to continue my second semester in college after passing this one with flying colors! I’m so pleased with myself… I really hope I can boast about having a 4.0 when my course load includes Anatomy, Physiology and such! It’s taken me a few days to adjust to not being in class. I love my life today!! Ready for a cute baby story?? I’m getting ready to go out and about, and Liana, at just sixteen sweet months old… She’s almost naked (just a diaper on) and she has her plastic toy that she puts on her head (as a hat) on… She’s toddling all over the room talking to herself, half singing… And she’s glances in the mirror and catches the sight of her adorable reflection: and proceeds to saunter right up to it and give herself a kiss!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS! She walked right up: put both hands on the mirror and SMACK! 💋! Who’s that pretty girl? She needs a kiss! Eeeeeeeeeeee!!! I just about died. I love this sugar plum snuggle butt!!! As you were. Merry Christmas, Miracles!! XOXO

[nightengale82]

[nightengale82]

SadSickMommy #6

I hate being sick. I hate it. I feel am already ill equipped for being a mother at times. I have zero patience. I'm a recovering addict. I'm diagnosed bipolar yet I don't take medication. My journey of staying clean one day at a time can sometimes seem to magnify my defects of character. I have so much I need to work on!! I don't have time to be sick. I have too much to do! My daughter is forming her personality as we speak!!! I fucking hate being sick... I'm stir crazy, I'm frustrated, I have no energy to be the mom I want to be today. I just want to be better. Waaaaaaaahhhh

[nightengale82]

HappyFunnyMommy #5

I’ve decided to change the name of my blog for a number of different reasons. Mainly because I know the power words can carry, and I find myself not wanting to be the mother of an AngryBitchyDaughter. Right?? Cool! Moving on… I’ve had an amazing full beautiful week. For the very first time in my recovery… This amazing new chance at life God has given me… I’ve experienced what I know now, to be Serenity. It was last Monday evening on Veteran’s Day. I was just about say my prayers and go to sleep…I suddenly had this overwhelming, sort of euphoric, sense of gratitude and peace. It’s hard to explain, it was about 20 maybe 25 minutes of these amazing feelings of happiness, joy, completely absent of anxiety or worry about the future. I think I was realizing how good God has been to me, and how far I’ve come, and how much I’ve grown over the last year. I have never really felt really good about myself. Never. And you know what? Well I’m pretty awesome. Praise God! I am happy today: about who I am and where I’m going in life and what I’m doing with the time God has given me. It’s an amazing feeling!! I love being a mother, and I’ve said it before: it’s by far the most important thing I will ever do. Because of that responsibility it makes all other things important. How I relate to other people, how I treat them. In all areas of my life: Financial, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual- am I responsible? Am I positive? Am I honest? Am I kind and loving without being a doormat or a people pleaser? Do I have a healthy lifestyle, boundaries, eating habits? I am setting an example, in everything I do. What an amazing gift motherhood is, that I should correct myself before God and the world for the love of another person! Goodnight Miracles!

#happy #funny #mommy #serenity

[nightengale82]

Look at that enormous tootsie!!

[nightengale82]

A cartoon by Mick Stevens. For more cartoons from this week’s issue: http://nyr.kr/1anfcsn

[nightengale82]

AngryBitchyMommy#4

Good Morning Peeps! I had a lovely full night’s sleep. Today I would like to examine modern day relationships… Brace yourselves, ladies! I mentioned before, about my single status… But when I tried to find what about what other single moms blog about, I was disappointed to discover that a lot of women out there who blog about being single moms waste their time and energy talking about promiscuous sex/trying to find a suitable replacement father for their kids or worse, about what deadbeat dads their former partners are. That’s terrible! AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! Well I don’t! Why would you want to waste your energy being negative and drawing attention to your shitty choice of a partner? And worse being bitter over it? Lord have mercy. It occurs to me this is all women’s fault. Look lady, you chose the wrong guy to try to start a family with. Bottom line. Don’t make your kids and the rest of us suffer by being a fucking wet blanket and subjecting us all to your incessant whining. The thing is: this is a serious problem in our generation. Most women that date in today’s modern world: generally settle: for all kinds of reasons. It’s like we are lowering the bar for so many men out there! You can treat me like shit, disrespect me and cheat on me: if you are financially responsible for me. You can disconnect from me emotionally and spiritually and faithfully: if you provide for me. You can do whatever you want: because I will stay for the children. Or (my personal favorite) I will provide for you: because you are amazing in the sack. Oh and let’s not forget: you are authorized to continue your obvious and blatant abuse (verbal, physical or mental) under the condition that you STAY in an unhappy unhealthy relationship: because I fear being alone. Ugh. It has only been with in the last 2-3 generations of THIS country in most of human history where women could freely decide with whom to marry and start families with. Today as American women: we have MORE liberty, freedom and opportunity: than any other women in the world has ever had! We have choices today! The youth of this generation just spits all over our ancestors’ suffering! And still, us women perpetuate abuse in all forms from men because we continuously do not demand to be treated with love and respect. We stay in unhappy relationships. We “put up” with our husbands or lovers or exes. We still choose the guy that has nothing, that just got out of prison, that has NOTHING to offer! WE choose them! And then get bitter when the don’t turn out to be what we had hoped to CHANGE them into? Ha! That’s just crazy. And it happens every day. I wonder sometimes if my non-single friends think I sit around feeling sorry for myself, wishing I “had someone to love”? The answer is: HELL NO. I do got someone to love, me! My little girl! And by golly, if she has to be the one daughter that grows up being self assured, independent, self sufficient, and happy ALONE, well than so be it. Because kids learn by example. And I know we can raise the bar ladies. By breaking hearts just one day at a time. I have another friend that’s a fellow single mom… You know, I gotta tell you guys… She seems a lot happier than most of my non-single friends. Don’t get me wrong.. I still get those moments when I feel like a total loser because I don’t fit the profile of a traditional family… And those moments when I get lonesome (however those are few and far between)… But overall: it’s my CHOICE to be single. I didn’t scoop up the first guy that asked me out and commit to having a relationship with him. Or the second, or the third. I would’ve probably gave the 4th guy a real fair chance, but he was VERY successful and respectful. More guys like that need to ask me out. Or not. I look forward to being successful myself someday and making it to the upper middle class. The way that I will do that is thru hard work, discipline, and being a faithful servant to God. To try always, everyday, to bring honor to my family, and be a loving, gentle, kind and nurturing mother to my baby girl. Despite the ridiculous size of her growing foot, and my handicapped choice in her father. God will one day bring me a man that I don’t have to make compromises or excuses for. Have an amazing day Miracles!!

#singlemom betternotbitter happy blessedandhighlyfavored

[nightengale82]

[nightengale82]

AngryBitchyMommy#3

Hello Miracles!  I am having the most amazing, wonderful day today!  I've decided to try to express myself this evening when I am actually coherent, and not at the very end of my day when I'm completely delirious and exhausted from life.  My kid is watching Rio.  Don't judge me.  So can I tell you (I'm so excited!!) what the sermon at my church was titled today?  "PARENTING IS HARD". Yup.  Awesome.  God is good!  It was this totally amazing affirmation that this is really good for me!  I LOVE THIS BABY! I'm gonna have to pick this up later because I must snuggle her.  NOW.  I have one complaint: my most recent favorite place to smooch my daughter has been the little pad of fat right below her toes, on the bottom of her foot.  I think the reason why is because it fits perfectly between my puckered lips.  It used to be her nose, and then it was the tiny butt of her chin, and then the little fleshy part on her tootsie.  I regret to inform you all, and to accept or acknowledge: that her foot has grown too big for me to favor.  I keep trying to kiss it, but its crazy: it's not the same.  It doesn't fit in my mouth perfectly.  I keep trying and  I'm just kissing my little, bratty toddler's stinky foot.... So sad.  So, so sad. 

[nightengale82]

AngryBitchyMommy#2

I don’t know about this whole blogging thing. I already want to quit. Nobody liked my stupid post anyways. And I meant to write a blog today that would try to convince you that I’m really not an AngryBitchyMommy. That I’m really kind, patient, nurturing and loving 100% of the time. But the truth is that I’m not. I’m a first time mom. That alone should imply the nervousness and stress I manage everyday. THIS IS MY FIRST RODEO… Some things came natural to me: some do not. Every woman has her breaking point, daily, it seems like. Today mine was at 9:52 pm: when my little angel was screaming at me like a banshee insisting we watch Rio for the hundredth time. It was past her bed time! What the fuck? You know the horrible thing is that: I love her so terribly and I want the best for her: and I know that the best requires me to consistently tell her “NO”. She’s going to fucking hate me and there is NO way around that. It’s so fucking hard! Why does nobody fucking tell you that? Nobody says: “Well honey: you are going to need all the support you can get! You had better get your fucking priorities in line, gather your resources, make nice with what family you do have… and be prepared to willingly make sacrifices for the rest of your life.” Nope. Nobody says that. They say “Congratulations”. Most of them do anyway. That’s the customary thing to say to someone, whether or not you really think they will make a terrible parent. I actually had someone respond to my pregnancy with “God damn it!” Which may give you an idea of what kind of parent everyone thought I would be. What kind of mom am I? I’m fierce. I don’t think that’s a traditional characteristic of a mother; but that about sums it up. When became pregnant with my daughter I had already hit my rock bottom in my drug addiction. I was in an abusive, codependent relationship with her father: and as much as I hated him: I couldn’t leave. The day I decided she was more important than him: I started fighting for her, and I haven’t stopped. I had to defend my right to be a mother from day one: and that’s where that fierceness must come from. I have done everything in my power to become a better person, to be the mother she deserves. Glory to God: I got clean, I attend church, I have reconciled with 99% of my family. I have a nice place to live, I own my car, I have insurance on my car, I pay all my bills, I write thank you cards, and am polite to people in grocery stores. I dress more conservatively, I make healthy choices and I’m really trying my best at cleaning up my language when I speak. (This blog is going to to help be with that too, because if I can get in the habit of writing cuss words instead of saying them, at least that’s a start!) Everything that I do on a daily basis is completely unnatural for addict like me. God has given me this amazing person to care for, and the ABILITY to do so. I’m so blessed. But I still just LOSE it sometimes! I have had few moments since motherhood where I feel overwhelmed and imperfect, and down on myself. More often than those: are the moments of guilt: justified, irrational, unexplainable or otherwise. It’s hard! It’s sacrifice and discipline, unparalleled joy, purpose and laughter; lessons and memories. I love it. I can’t really see what good qualities I have when it comes down to it, day to day. All that being a responsible adult stuff is important but I mainly see the things I need to work on. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. FAITH. I see all my character defects in my daughter, and know where I need to grow. I really had a moment here today where AngryBitchyMommy came out. It was ugly. I’m working on it. Sleepy Mommy LOVES HER SLEEPING BABY! Goodnight friends.