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"Besides, I've done enough bad things in my life. I keep telling people I've repaid my debts, but I can't tell that same lie to you. I know I've caused a lot more pain than I've ever had to feel myself. A lot more by a long shot."

Die a Stranger, Steve Hamilton

#die a stranger #steve hamilton #alex mcknight series #michigan author #mystery #mystery thriller #midwest thriller #midwest mystery #pain #mistakes #literature

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here, have some bad Emma memes I made

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jane austen writing a man who said "there is no reason why you should not be important where you are known" to a woman is why my standards are so high

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Look, I actually like Edmund Bertram but it's kind of hilarious how wrong he is in this book. He thinks Maria just isn't a romantic person. He sees Mary Crawford's sketchy morals and wants to, like, save her basically? And "[Henry Crawford] has no faults but what a serious attachment would remove." Bro? Really??

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Accidentally started rereading Northanger Abbey, and was sudden reminded all over again that Jane Austen is, in fact, fucking hilarious.

NA is her parody/satire of Gothic novels at the time, and she starts the book by choosing violence-- she describes the "tragedy" of the main character, Catherine Morland, a girl Determined to be a Heroine even though ALL ODDS are against her: she has a sane father who doesn't lock up his daughters, a healthy mother who didn't die in childbirth, no preternatural talent for music or drawing through which to reveal her Deepest Soul, and-- most shockingly of all-- absolutely zero love interests for whom she can wander the hills mourning their starcrossed fates until she wastes away from the sheer Sentimentality of it all.

But don't worry! She's got this FIGURED OUT. She KNOWS why she has not yet found her TRUE LOVE:

There was not one lord in the neighbourhood; no—not even a baronet. There was not one family among their acquaintance who had reared and supported a boy accidentally found at their door—not one young man whose origin was unknown. Her father had no ward, and the squire of the parish no children.

But when a young lady is to be a heroine, the perverseness of forty surrounding families cannot prevent her. Something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way.

(SPOILER: She is introduced to a mysterious young man who lives in an ABBEY, which everyone knows means he has a DEEPLY MYSTERIOUS SECRET PAST and is maybe a TRAGIC HERO or even a ROMANTIC MONSTER and either way this is IT this is Catherine's TIME TO SHINE she is going to get a good grade in DOOMED LOVE, a thing that is normal to want and--)

(...meanwhile Henry Tilney-- an ordinary guy who never expected "get cast as the Hero in some Grand Gothic Romance" to show up on his bingo card-- starts wondering when exactly he started finding Catherine's attempts to locate bloody daggers in his linen closet charming.)

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Life is full of extremely difficult choices:

Though sometimes you also have to do the laundry, which is THE HORRORS

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top 3 favorite books i read in 2023!

3. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

timid, shy, insecure protagonist who does NOT try to get between her crush and the girl he's going for, has a wonderful relationship with her older brother, and ultimately just wants to be loved and accepted by those around her.

her return to her parents' home is realistically heartbreaking. it isn't that anyone is mean to Fanny - they ignore her.

the entire play fiasco is so juicy and fun to read!!

we get to witness the romantic interest go through his own fall and redemption arc & we as the audience have to sit back and just watch him grow and find himself rather than be alongside him, which is simultaneously frustrating yet a unique experience :)

i honestly thought that henry could have his own redemption arc & was surprised when he instead fell again...this time harder than before...the drama.......

2. Villette by Charlotte Brontë

sad, lonely, traumatized protagonist who is also such a badass. she will not tell us what tragedies she has had to face....so mysterious... i love her

she literally moves to a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language & doesn't have credentials to teach and she just....learns the language and becomes a teacher. she gains respect from the students and staff even if she is still a bit of an outcast

the nun subplot.....so fun and supernatural and the truth of who the nun is was just so damn funny

the graham reveal!!!

the way lucy is treated when she experiences depression, loneliness, and anxiety is so necessary and realistic for her character & all that she's gone through. the way others react to her sucks but is true to the time; it allows us to see how mental health (especially that of women) was treated. no, happiness is not a potato, graham!

the banter & dialogue is so funny and realistic - i love the black cat x delusional vain sunshine dynamic of lucy and ginerva. also the reading shakespeare scene, the 'call me your friend' scene, the whole getting shut up in the attic for hours to practice acting scene, the drug trip, the time she refused to give paul his gift in order to piss him off, and the showdown between lucy and madame beck are such memorable moments that make me laugh out loud or gasp or smile :)

i sobbed at the end. literally sobbed.

1. Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

yet another protagonist who is insecure, paranoid, wants so badly to be loved and preferred and noticed, and has a massive inferiority complex.

identity, names, influence, public perception, and reputation are unbelievably important. maxim vs. max, who the "real" or "true" mrs. de winter is, the fact that everything in the house (from meals to portraits to how a desk is arranged) has rebecca's touch all over it, down to the fact that we don't even know the protagonist's first name!

omfg the mystery and suspense and drama and tension is unbelievable. every time she turns a corner, every time she answers the phone, every time she goes outside or visits a family member or talks to a servant or her sister-in-law or even brushes her hair there is so much tension and anxiety and self-consciousness

du maurier's writing is immaculate; i could read her describe paint drying and it would be beautiful

the evening of the costume party is so fucking amazing. the initial rejection and drama is so so good, but i love the rest of the evening even more i think. the way her soul seems to truly die while she keeps a smile on her face and greets her guests, so anxious to be as good of a host as rebecca.....i've never read anything like it. and the morning after...she's so sure that everything is over with maxim & there is no hope and i can feel her despair...

the confession...so incredible. i didn't see it coming and i had no idea what the narrator was going to do, how she'd react. "time and tide wait for no man"...

once the boat is found and there are people suspecting there may be foul play and rebecca's cousin is there and mrs. danvers is suspicious and the narrator faints and they're calling the doctor that rebecca went to - the tension and suspense was so good.

this book got me thinking about perception for days. we are told details that allegedly describe the same story, but many aspects don't line up & we are never given the full, perfect truth. what was rebecca really like? was she really as hedonistic and vain and self-serving as we're told? did maxim ever love her? did she ever love him? did she plan to run away with favell? did strangers think her lovely and wonderful simply because of her beauty or because she actually was a good person? even if she wasn't a good person, did she deserve what happened to her? was maxim justified in getting upset with her and/or putting up with her alleged behavior? who is rebbeca truly?

i'm obsessed.

#favorite books #best books of 2023 #top 3 books 2023 #jane austen #charlotte bronte #daphne du maurier #mansfield park #villette #rebecca

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"A funeral shouldn't take place on a perfect day. I've had a strong feeling about that for most of my life. No, funerals should happen only when it's raining. Or when it's freezing cold. Or preferably both. It should hurt to be there, is what I mean. It should hurt right down to your bones when you're standing there on the edge of a grave site, as you're looking down at the box being lowered into the ground. You should have to hold your coat tight around your neck as you stand there taking the physical punishment for still being alive, for still being able to feel anything at all. While the man says ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the wooden top of the box should be splattered with rain and mud. Instead of tears drying fast on a perfect sunny day."

Steve Hamilton / Die a Stranger

#steve hamilton #michigan author #alex mcknight series #mystery #tw: death #tw: funerals #literature #mystery novels

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do you ever think about how darcy's perspective of the visit to rosings is just... a completely wild time. so like. he and his favourite cousin goes to visit with his weird aunt, and ends up running into this hot girl, that he's really kinda increasingly into? she's staying in the area for a while with her bestie. so like. he was expecting a boring social obligation visit & getting pressure into marrying his other, less favourite cousin. instead, he watches the hot girl hold her own with his aunt in conversation. she banters with him over the pianoforte and they have a Moment™. he keeps going over to the house she's staying at, just to awkwardly chill there, even though he doesn't like the other people there. has a whole conversation with her about how she wouldn't mind living far away from family, as long as she could afford the travel. he extends his visit so he can keep seeing her. when he runs into her on a walk, she makes a point of detailing the exact route she prefers to take while out walking, clearly encouraging him to join her, so he does. he has a really nice time on these walks, they spend a lot of time in companionable silence, but he manages to flirt a little by implying some stuff about the future & what their married life could be like, and they have some conversations about that. and sure, she has some family baggage, but none of them are around so it's a lot easier to ignore, y'know? so eventually he just can't take it anymore, and he shoots his shot. she clearly values honesty so he explains his scruples as well, but he thinks she's been dropping some favourable signals, so he's got a good chance, right?

and then not only she turns him down she ROASTS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM. she insults him. she insults his honour as a gentleman. she flips the fuck out about... oh yeah crap the sister thing, turns out his cousin blabbed, and then I'M SORRY YOU SAID WHAT? ABOUT WICKHAM? THIS IS ABOUT FUCKING WICKHAM, MY FUCKING NEMESIS? HE FUCKING SAID WHAT ABOUT.... OH MY GOD. oh fuck. I've fucked up so badly I need to reevaluate my entire life & risk sending a letter to an unmarried woman who hates my guts, just so i can explain shit. fuck.

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Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

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Men would rather marry the poor companion of an obnoxious American socialite and take her back to his manor estate haunted by memories of his ex-wife than go to therapy

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2023 reading progress - 15/18

Here's the updated list of books I've read this year:

Anne of Avonlea - L. Maud Montgomery

Ice Run - S. Hamilton

Mansfield Park - J. Austen

A Stolen Season - S. Hamilton

Villette - C. Brontë

Madonna Stories - G. Paulsen

Hatchet - G. Paulsen

Dart - P. Rustad

Rebecca - D. du Maurier

Agnes Grey - A. Brontë

Lock Artist - S. Hamilton

Misery Bay - S. Hamilton

Night Work - S. Hamilton

Pride and Prejudice - J. Austen

The Hating Game* - S. Thorne

I'm currently 25% through Brontë's Shirley, which I hope to finish before the end of the month. That'll leave me with reading 2 books in December to meet my 2023 goal, and I definitely think that's doable - just have to be smart about which books I choose. I've really had a tough time having the motivation to read for several months. I'm trying to have patience with myself, but it's frustrating to look back at how many books I got through in the first third of the year (approx. 10) and know that I could've done a lot more had I kept up that pace. At the same time, I still want to actually enjoy reading and not twist my mind to see it as a chore to complete and check off my list. Hoping to maintain a good mindset through the end of the year and actually take the time to feel good about meeting my goal - if I do make it to 18 it will be my new high score in one year since I was a child reading stuff like Diary of a Wimpy Kid! And that's something to celebrate :)

*also feel I should note that this was recommended to me by an acquaintance, and I am very much aware that it does not fit in with everything else I'm reading. Please don't come for my head, a bitch is allowed to have a little shameless smut as a treat.

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Someone on Reddit keeps getting recommended the Jane Austen subreddit despite knowing nothing about Jane Austen, so they posted an Ask Me Anything. Best response so far:

Sorry JA, no longer a truth universally acknowledged.

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“After all,” Anne had said to Marilla once, “I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” - Anne of Avonlea 1909 by L. M. Montgomery