nilesarchives

[nilesarchives]

Coffee and Coke ― CANON. (current verse)

Nick and Miles see each other at Starbucks and Miles goes back to Nick’s place to meet his new pet. Things escalate, as they often do.

The past month or so had been an absolute whirlwind. Shit had almost completely hit the fan and Miles wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it. One of the biggest things was he and Nick deciding they needed some space, for real this time; the whole New Years thing was sort of a wake up call for both of them, that they might not actually be ready for much right now, not while they both had their own things to work through. And that was just what Miles had been doing, dealing with his demons. Or one singular demon: Greg. It was weird that Nick, his best friend, was no longer entirely caught up to speed. Despite the fact that keeping their distance had so far been a good thing, Miles felt that the new developments in his life deserved more than a simple text. So it had been days of going back and forth, wanting to show up at Nick’s place to talk to him but not wanting to intrude, but fate had a funny way of making things work. That was what Miles realized when he stepped away from the Starbucks counter with his iced latte to see said best friend sitting a little further away. Miles would recognize that curly hair anywhere. He approached the table, perhaps a little too eager to see him after what felt like forever, and slid into the chair across from him. “Come here often?” he asked, placing his elbows on the table and leaning toward him.

For once, Starbucks wasn’t totally jam packed, which Nick counted as a blessing if he’d ever seen one. He’d always liked coffee shops; they got him out of the house and the smell of coffee seemed to wake him up before he actually downed any. And it was a lazy sort of day, so he found himself at the Starbucks a few blocks away in order to kill some time. With his frap in front of him on the corner table he was lucky enough to snag, Nick allowed himself to relax, giving his phone his full attention. Alternating between various job applications, Facebook, and texts — he was completely absorbed when a familiar voice interrupted him. Glancing up instantly, he smiled at the surprise. He hadn’t seen Miles in what seemed like forever, and this time it wasn’t because of some weird fight they had or because of hurt feelings. He understood that they both had to take some time for themselves, and he had no hard feelings towards him, even if he’d missed him and his heart still seemed to clench when he saw him. “Once in awhile.” He replied as he lowered his phone back to his lap. “You stalking me now?”

It was almost like Miles was seeing him, really seeing him, for the first time all over again. Since shit had gone down, Miles wasn’t sure if he and Nick would ever be the same again. But now that he was dealing with his own stuff and figured Nick was starting to take the time to do the same, Miles’ faith was renewed. They still had a chance, and that was all he wanted. Looking at him now, he was reminded of just how attracted to Nick he was — and fuck, was he attracted to him. He’d throw their drinks across the room and lean across the table to kiss him if it were socially acceptable. But they’d build up to that. Preferably in private. “Maybe,” he said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders as he leaned back in his chair. “To be honest, I just thought there was a hot guy over here so I came over. Turns out that window behind you is just super reflective.” He couldn’t let Nick get too cocky. “Really, though…I wanted to talk to you about what’s been going on.” He paused, glancing down at the table for a few long moments before looking back up at him. “But I wanted to see you.”

It hadn’t been that long since they’d last seen each other. God knows they’d ignored each other for longer during previous fights. But it felt like longer, because as much as Nick wanted to see him, he knew he couldn’t. They had things he had to come to terms with and think about, and hanging around each other wouldn’t help much. Nick wanted to say and do so many things — he wanted to pull him closer and show him how much he missed him. He couldn’t even do that before everything happened, though, so he knew damn well he couldn’t do that now. “Oh, you did. I dropped my napkin so I had to stand up for a second.” He countered, before he sobered up at the comment. “Is… everything okay?” Nick asked carefully, not sure what that meant. He knew Miles was struggling with the Greg thing before, and didn’t know what happened after that. It bothered him that he didn’t know, but he wasn’t about to pressure him into telling him. “I wanted to see you, too.” He lowered his voice, pausing for a moment. “I missed you.”

Miles nodded. “Everything’s okay,” he said, and he meant it. Everything was okay, or at least it was going to be. He nearly lost his train of thought at Nick’s words, the words ‘I miss you’ never quite failing to excite him. “I was just trying to…come to terms with everything. Figure out where to go from here,” he started slowly. He was tracing the lid of his drink with his finger. “I knew I was gonna have to face it eventually, you know? Not like I could just pretend it never happened.” He took another pause, this time sucking in a deep breath and holding it for a moment before exhaling. “We got the ball rolling. With Greg.”

Nick nodded as Miles spoke, listening quietly until he was done. At Greg’s name, anger cut in through the other emotions. Miles was just dropping a bomb on him — and frankly, Nick wasn’t sure if it was good. So naturally, he jumped to conclusions. “Did he try to contact you?”

Miles shook his head immediately. “No. I just—” He stopped again. Greg was never an easy topic. “I took everything you said to heart, talked to my mom. I finally went to the police. I told them I want to officially press charges.” It was still a lot for he himself to process. “So I’m getting ready to go to trial. I guess I’ve got good odds ‘cause I’m not fully recovered from my injuries, apparently. So…yeah.”

As Miles explained what at happened with Greg, surprise settled in, followed by relief. At least that’s one thing that went right. “Thank God.” Nick breathed, mostly to himself, but also to Miles. “I mean. That’s good. I’m glad you did it.” Well, clearly. “Are you feeling okay? About the trial?” He paused again. “And your injuries too.”

“I guess? Not really. I don’t know.” Miles hated the thought of sitting in the courtroom, but he knew this was necessary. “I don’t want to tell it all over again but I don’t have a choice. Guess it’ll be worth it when he’s thrown in jail. He didn’t think I was going to press charges so at least this caught him off guard.” Fucking asshole. “I feel fine. They just tell me I haven’t fully recovered and I can still suffer certain side effects. I dunno — it’s all medical crap I don’t know about. But it’ll help me win, that’s all I know.”

It was clear Miles had gone through a lot the past month, and Nick wasn’t sure how he could comfort him. He was glad that Miles got when he was trying to help, even if Nick knew he couldn’t do much. “I know it’ll be hard… but you’ll be safe, you know? He can’t do shit to you now.” Nick knew his words were true, even if personally he knew it was way easier said than done. “That’s scary shit, dude. You need to keep an eye on yourself. Just in case you start feeling bad.” He hoped he wouldn’t, though. “Do you know when the trial will be?”

Miles nodded. “I know.” That was the most important part, after all. Just keeping Greg away. Not just away from Miles, but from everyone he loved as well. His mom deserved much better, for one thing. Though Miles would be glad if she didn’t date anyone for a very long time. “I’m fine. I take care of myself. Scout’s too smart to let something happen to me anyway.” Miles sighed, nodding. “A couple weeks, I guess. So Greg can get shit squared away with his lawyer or whatever.” Miles wished they could just take his word for it and call it a day, but he knew that couldn’t happen. All the talk about Greg naturally made Miles think about Jude, but he didn’t want to bring him up and make Nick upset. “What’s going on with you?” he asked after a moment, realizing he’d tell him if there was anything worth noting.

“How’s Scout?” Nick asked after a moment, genuinely curious, since he hadn’t seen her since the last time he was over. Not like much changed with dogs, but hey, you never knew. “Oh…wow. That’s…soon.” But it was good it was soon. The sooner the better, in his opinion.  That meant Greg could get locked up faster. “I don’t know. Nothing that would interest you.” He tried to smile, before he remembered something, and smiling became a little easier. “I found a pet. He was playing in the garbage so I got him before the trash man could.”

“Badass as ever.” Scout didn’t do much, but she was an incredibly good girl, if Miles said so himself. “Yeah. I mean, there wasn’t much to prepare for. He knows what he’s walking into, so.” Miles shrugged. Greg was clearly guilty so he wasn��t worried about the outcome. It was just the whole process. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t go and get married or anything.” Although he had gotten married once. At the mention of a new pet, Miles raised his eyebrows. “Oh?” He wasn’t sure the trash was the best place to find a new companion, but to each his own. “You didn’t think it maybe belonged to someone?” Miles shook his head. “What kind of pet?”

“Good for her.” Nick laughed and reached out for his melting frap to take a small drink. “It’s a good thing you did.” Nick said as gently as he could when he set his cup back down. “Even if it’s a bunch of bullshit to deal with. I’m proud of you, you know?” And he felt weird for saying that, so he was going to change the subject. “Hey, I never said I didn’t. I just don’t remember it if I did.” Much like the first time, but thankfully his wife had been there the morning after to remind him. “Yeah.” He nodded, almost enthusiastically. “He was dragging around an empty McDonald’s fry cup so I figured it was pretty much meant to be.” He grinned at him. “No, definitely not. If he’d belonged to someone they would have given him a full thing of fries. He was clearly homeless.” So he gave him a home. At the moment, he lowered his tone just a bit, because he knew how Miles felt about Coke’s kind. And he wanted them to get along. “Just a cat.” He said, before quickly following up. “He’s a kitten though.”

“Yeah, she’s got her shit together.” Clearly more than Miles did. “I know.” The conversation led Miles to believe that there were no new developments with Jude. And that was okay. One step at a time. “Well, I guess that sucks if you did.” There went Miles’ chance. “Jeez. So obviously you’re a hero.” He could almost feel the tone of the conversation shift just slightly, and it made sense when Nick told him his new pet was a cat. Miles’ face immediately fell. “You’re joking.” It was a statement because he wanted to believe it. “Nicholas…” He trailed off, leaning forward again to get closer to him as he lowered his own voice. “You did not actually get a cat.” Miles hated cats. Quite a bit. And Nick knew this better than anyone.

“She’s an icon.” Nick said, before falling silent for a moment. There was a clear elephant in the room, because Miles was doing so good by going forward and pressing charges against Greg. But Nick, on the other hand, was still adamant against not doing anything about his own situation. He was still trying hard not to think about it. He’d spent the last few months trying so hard not to think about it that he ended up thinking about it regardless. So that’s when he tried to distract himself with things — food, work, Coke. Then he found the cat, and it became a distraction too. “Not really a hero, it just gave me an excuse to go get us some fries.” He felt sheepish as Miles full named him. “Look, George.” Ok, maybe this wasn’t the time for that. “Miles. I didn’t get a cat. I got a kitten. He’s a child. If you gave him a chance, you could even be bros.” Nick actually believed that. “Come on, it’s not that bad. It could be worse. I could have actually gotten married.”

Miles couldn’t disagree with that. The whole cat ordeal was very…Nick. He had to admit that. It wasn’t particularly surprising to hear that he’d taken in a stray cat from the garbage. He wasn’t thrilled about it, but it also wasn’t his cat. “Don’t George me. You’re the one in the wrong here, keeping demons in your apartment. If anything I should be middle naming you too.” He’d hold back for now, though. “I have enough bros already. I’d almost prefer that you got married.” Miles was a drama queen and everyone knew it, but to be fair, cats were serious business to him. And he was selfishly enjoying single Nick.

“He’s not a demon, he’s hilarious. Last night he scared the shit out of Murphy by jumping on his leg when he wasn’t paying attention. You should have seen his face.” In Nick’s opinion, Miles was severely judging Coke without even meeting him first. “One more bro won’t kill you. Please, just give him a chance. I want you two to meet.” He knew Miles wouldn’t take this well, but his hands were tied here. “He sleeps on your shoulder like a parrot. Makes you feel like a pirate. He’s cool, I promise.”

Miles almost rolled his eyes, but refrained. Still, his point was made. If the cat didn’t get the Murphy seal of approval, he certainly wasn’t getting Miles’. “Scout doesn’t scare people,” he muttered. It was sort of a lie because Scout got pretty loud, but still. “If he gets on my shoulder we’re going to learn very quickly if cats actually always land on their feet.” That was a promise. He wasn’t going to let the cat out of his direct line of sight, that was for sure. “I promise we won’t get along. But I’ll come. It’s not for him, though.”

Even if Miles was disrespecting his cat, Nick was glad he could distract him from the prior conversation. If only for a little bit. “Not every animal can be perfect like Scout. He may have his flaws, but I love him.” Nick raised his hand to rest it against his chest, right over his heart. Dramatic effect and all that. “He’s strong, but he’s not unbreakable. Be gentle with him, please.” He didn’t want to have to Pinterest cat casts because he was too poor to take him to the doctor. “Maybe he’ll surprise you. But thank you. I’ll even give you a deal and say that can be my really early Christmas and Birthday present. All I want is for you to not try to exorcise him like he’s a demon.”

“Well, you’re right. Scout literally has no flaws so I guess it’s unfair to hold other creatures up to that standard.” He gave her too much credit. She definitely had her flaws. But Miles refused to admit them. “I’m not actually gonna throw your cat. But I really don’t want him sitting on me.” The thought alone sent a chill up his spine. “Please. You know I’m still gonna get you something that’s gonna make you cry when you think I don’t know it,” he teased, even though he really hadn’t ever seen Nick cry happy tears about anything. Rarely even sad tears. “At the very worst, if I can’t stand him, I’m just gonna pretend he’s not there. So don’t worry.”

“Just try to have an open mind.” Nick knew he couldn’t expect them to be best friends over night, but this was a start. “Fine, he can sit on me, where he’s wanted.” Miles’ distaste was almost funny, because he didn’t really get it. The cat had done nothing but good since he got him. Except for the times he peed on the floor and scratched on his couch. But those were just small issues. “Good luck with that, I don’t cry. That’s you when I give gifts. But I appreciate the effort.” He teased. That was a straight up lie. He just cared about who saw him cry. “Okay — good enough.” For now. “You’ll have to come over soon and see him.” But mostly he just wanted Miles to come over to see Nick.

Miles took a long sip from his almost-forgotten latte, fighting the urge to shake his head once again. He couldn’t believe Nick had betrayed him in this way, allowing such a creature into his home. Although he knew if the roles were reversed he’d do the same thing — if Nick happened to hate dogs and Miles had come across a baby Scout rolling around in trash, Miles wouldn’t even think twice about giving her a home. “We all know you got emotional about the Thundercats t-shirt when I was out of sight.” He couldn’t be sure, but he could assume. “I mean, we’re talking about the same softie who couldn’t help but kiss the guy he likes in front of everyone on New Years Eve.” His voice had that same teasing tone as he flashed him a grin at the reminder. He liked no longer being afraid to bring things up. “I mean, I can meet him today if you aren’t sick of me yet.”

Nick had never had an animal of his own before. Whenever him and his siblings were allowed to have them, his siblings would always seem to stake claim before he could really bond with it himself. The thing about Coke was that he found him right when he probably needed him. And no one else liked cats, it seemed, so he was Nick’s. So he wasn’t sorry about keeping him. “Eh, you can’t prove it.” He was right, though. It was hard to not get emotional over it, and Miles knew that. “I can prove the tear in your eye I saw when you saw your record, though.” He smiled back, reaching out to hold his drink in his palm when he faltered. He thought Miles forgot about that. “Who’s that guy? Didn’t see him; he sounds gross.” Nick felt his face warm, and distracted himself by taking another drink and setting the cup back down. Before Miles had to take some time for himself, things between them had started to get all the more confusing, but in a good way. Nick was sure that it was over with the second shit hit the fan and they decided they weren’t ready, which he understood, but it still was a hard thing to come to terms with. But seeing him again reminded him of how he hadn’t exactly let his feelings for him go, because he could tell by the excitement gathering in his chest that they were still painfully there. Being gay for your best friend was kind of a bitch sometimes. “I’m not sick of you.” He said, almost too quickly. “I haven’t seen you in awhile.” Nick shrugged, trying to be casual now. “It’d give us a chance to hang out again.”

Miles wished he had some sort of proof, but he’d still stand by it. “You cannot prove that!” It had absolutely made him emotional, but Nick had no right to claim that. Even though they both knew exactly the type of person Miles was. “You might know him. Tall. Curly hair. Skinny. Sometimes goes by the name of Dalton Oliver.” Maybe a step too far, but it wasn’t like they didn’t test each other’s boundaries like that over the years. He wasn’t worried about it. The fondness he felt when Nick told him he wasn’t yet sick of him had Miles sipping his drink to hide the bashful smile, similar to what he had just watched Nick do moments before. They weren’t fooling anyone, especially each other. “Well, let’s stop taking up this killer corner table then,” he said, pushing out his chair to stand up. If they stayed staring at each other for any longer before going Miles knew he was really going to start blushing, and he couldn’t have that.

“Sure I can, I saw it with my own two eyes.” He didn’t, but it was still fun to tease him about it. Nick got emotional about things too, he just hid it better than Miles did. Not that Miles couldn’t hide things. Nick was just better. “Never met the guy. Dumb name. He sounds sexy, though.” He smiled, and for a moment they didn’t say anything. It was a weird moment, because it wasn’t necessarily awkward. But it made him realize how much he missed this; how much he missed Miles. “Okay, but I hope you know the chances of us ever getting it again is rare. I guess I was just lucky today.” Secretly, he felt like maybe he was, since he got to run into Miles after weeks of not seeing him. Nick patted the table and swooped his drink up with the same hand before he was standing up. “Alright, let’s go. You sure you don’t have any other plans for today?”

“Lying is a sin, y’know.” Miles was guilty of it, too, to be fair. He rolled his eyes playfully at Nick’s response. “He has bad jokes, though. Kinda hard to listen to sometimes.” Who was he kidding? He found Nick hilarious. He couldn’t tell him that, of course. It was Miles’ job to keep him humble. “Couches are better than corner tables,” he pointed out as they started toward the door to head to Nick’s. “Oh, I had several important business meetings today. And a hot date. But I decided to squeeze you in instead.” He shrugged nonchalantly. As if.

“I think all the others I’ve committed in my life time cancel it out, so I’ve got a free pass.” Nick said as he tucked his chair into the table and made sure he had everything. “Sounds to me like he’s a genius and just under appreciated. If you see him again make sure to give him my number.” He said straight faced, although he wasn’t offended, because he didn’t think his jokes were all that great himself either. It still didn’t stop him from making them. “Yeah, but we’re gonna be on my own couch soon, so it’s not too much of a loss.” He wasn’t sure which one was cleaner, though. “Oh, I see. I’m second choice.” He nodded as they headed out and down the street. “It’s cool. I have one too later. I promised a spa day to someone special.” In other words, Coke needed his nails trimmed and he was going to have to do it.

“We’ve collectively committed quite a few sins. We’re on the road to hell together, dude.” Miles didn’t mind. He’d accepted his sins a long time ago. “I’ll think about it.” He wanted to joke that someone else already had their eye on him, but he didn’t know what counted as overstepping in Nick’s eyes. So he kept it to himself. “Except there’s also a cat there.” It was going to take a lot of getting used to. “Since when are you certified to do that?” He wasn’t sure if he’d let Nick handle a spa day for him. He finished off the drink in his hands and tossed it into a trash can they passed by as they went. “You can’t fool me, anyway. I know it’s Murphy just needing a manicure.”

“Oh, well, what can you do? There’s going to be an overpopulation problem there anyway ‘cause of all the people there who aren’t politically correct. So they’ll probably just bounce us to heaven so they don’t have to deal with us.” That was a bold statement, and Nick was hoping no one else heard him say that. “Think of the cat as a roommate of mine you’ve never met. He sleeps a lot and mooches off us for food, and occasionally tries to fight me. But he’s good with strangers.” He knew he shouldn’t keep tying to defend Coke, and just have Miles get to know him himself. He couldn’t help it, though. “Since I looked up how to’s, Miles. You don’t need to go to school for anything as long as there’s YouTube.” Though he wouldn’t test that on everything. He’d probably be a little hesitant to try open heart surgery. “Yeah… it’s Murphy. You caught me.” Sure, he’d go with that. “I’m not sure if he’s home or not. He wasn’t when I left, but maybe he’ll hang out with us.”

“I highly doubt that,” Miles replied with a slight laugh. They totally didn’t belong there. “But he’s also a cat and that just ruins the whole thing. So let’s just let the relationship form naturally.” Honestly, maybe he would be surprise and it would seem more like a dog than Miles was anticipating. He wouldn’t get his hopes up, though. “I still don’t trust you. Especially not with this face.” He made a hair flipping gesture to prove his point. “Knew it.” Obviously. “Well, I guess we’ll see. He has a habit of popping in whenever he feels like it.”

“Okay — fair enough. I’ll let it happen on it’s own.” Nick laughed as they continued their way back to his apartment. “Fine, don’t trust me. But you’re missing out. I would have invited you and everything, free of charge. You’re going to regret it when I blow up on YouTube as the next big beauty guru.” Literally never, ever, ever going to happen. Ever. “I know, I wonder where he got that from. It’s pretty rude, honestly.”

“That’s the motto. Just go with the flow. Unless you ask Drake. Then the motto is YOLO.” Miles has spent a lot of time thinking about that, clearly. “I don’t trust you with a lot of things. This just happens to be one of them.” Miles was more inclined to trust Nick with secrets and shit like that. Not his face. “Calia can be pretty nosy in her own right too. I think all of you have a little bit of it in you.” Miles shrugged. Not that he was the most well-mannered person himself, but still. “I swear to god,” Miles began in warning as they started to head inside, “if this cat makes any sudden movements, I’m outta here.”

Nick paused for a moment, then spoke, very seriously: “I love it when you quote Drake at me.” He meant that, straight from the heart. “Well, okay. That’s rude, but okay.” Though, truthfully, he wasn’t all that offended. He didn’t really trust himself near anybody’s face, either. “Yes. Except for me.” He lied as they neared his apartment complex, making their way to his door. When they made it, he fished inside his pocket for his keys, busying himself with unlocking the door as they spoke. “He might come running because he’s excited someone’s home, but he’s not going to hurt you. Are you really that scared?” He rose an eyebrow as he lowered his voice to a playful whisper. “Do you need me to hold your hand?”

Miles quirked an eyebrow at him. “Try to keep it in your pants.” He wanted to add that he wasn’t at work, but he refrained. “It’s just the truth. I thought we agreed to he totally honest. I’m just doing my part.” Nick really couldn’t blame Miles for thinking it, let alone saying it. “Oh, shut up,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. “You know I’m not scared, you douche. I just don’t enjoy his kind.” He turned his head to glare at Nick. “You just want an excuse to hold my hand and you know it. But I’ll pass. Sorry to crush your dreams.”

“Relax. You’re not actually him, so don’t get too excited.” Nick half grinned to himself as he worked on finding the right key to his door - a problem he often had. “Well thanks for your brutal honesty. Hopefully it’ll toughen me up and get rid of my annoying emotions.” He almost laughed at Miles’ reaction. “It’ll be fine, man. If you really don’t like him, we can put him in another room for awhile. I’m not going to torture you with him, you know.” Nick said, dropping the joking attitude for a moment, because he wasn’t a total dick. “Nah. I don’t need your hand when I have a paw to hold now.” He said as he finally twisted the right key in the door and pushed it open, walking in first in case Coke did decide to run at him. Hearing the familiar jingle of the bell on his collar, he figured he’d make an appearance any moment now. He held the door open for Miles to come through before closing it behind him and walking further into his apartment. “It’s me.” He called out, for both the cat and for Murphy. He didn’t hear Murphy, but soon a familiar white face with blue eyes was peeking around the corner before meowing and walking toward them. Nick smiled and glanced back at Miles. “See? It’s all good.”

“Wow. You prefer your fantasy world with Drake over me. I see how it is.” Though if he were being honest with himself, Miles felt the same about Harry Styles. “That’s the goal, isn’t it? So we aren’t so sensitive about stuff.” Maybe that wasn’t exactly the idea, but it seemed good enough. “I’ll be fine. I’m a man,” he stated, maybe more to remind himself. He watched Nick open the door and enter, following slowly behind. It was a long few moments before the cat actually appeared. He didn’t want to say anything too ridiculous, but he didn’t like the sight before him. “I’m not enjoying this,” he settled on after a moment, maintaining eye contact with the cat from afar.

“I’m sorry, he’s just the complete package.” Nick shrugged. “Emotions are overrated, anyway.” Honestly, who needs them? He glanced back at Miles to check to see how he was handling the fact he was about to meet a cat. “Are you sure?” He asked, about him being fine, not about him being a man. That’d be too mean. Soon enough, Coke was out in the open. And Miles clearly didn’t like it at all. “Okay — hold on.” He closed the distance between him and the kitten and stretched down to swoop him into his arms. Straightening up, he looked at Miles in amusement, because he couldn’t help it. Coke stretched up to knock his head against his chin, purring as he did so. “See? He’s harmless. I can put him up if it really bothers you. Or you could pet him, if you wanted.”

“I could do Hotline Bling better than he could,” Miles retorted, though it was a blatant lie. His firm nod was completely forgotten about when there was this cat he didn’t even want to meet in the first place. He wasn’t particularly afraid of cats. He just didn’t trust them. He knew a lot of people felt the same way about dogs. Overall, Miles just preferred to keep his distance. “I can just see the anger deeply rooted in his eyes.” He was joking, purposely being dramatic now and he hoped it came off as lighthearted as he meant it, even with the scowl on his face and he stepped toward Nick and the cat. “You don’t have to lock him away. That’s stupid.” But Miles didn’t particularly want to pet him, either. He kept his eyes on the cat, who would look back at him every once in a while; mostly, though, the cat didn’t seem to care that he was there. “What’s his name?”

“I’d like to see that.” As much as Nick liked Miles, he still didn’t think anyone could do any of Drake’s songs justice like the man himself. “I think you’re confusing anger with love. He’s purring, I think he likes you.” Of course, Nick couldn’t confirm that, because it’s not like he could ask Coke for his opinion. But the kitten hadn’t stopped purring since he picked him up, despite him looking at Miles in curiosity. Nick took that as a good sign. “Good, because if he started crying I’d have to let him back out anyway.” He admitted. As Miles asked his name, Nick smiled. He took a moment to scratch under Coke’s chin, glancing down at the kitten in his arms as he bumped against his hands in search of more petting. “Miles, meet Coke. Coke Vaughn if you need his full name.” He introduced them with sincerity, so used to his name now that he didn’t think twice about it. “Coke, this is George. But he doesn’t like that. So you have to call him Miles.”

“It’ll take a few drinks first,” Miles told him simply. He’d be more than willing to perform the whole song, but definitely not entirely sober. “Nah, I’m good at reading hidden body language. He’s plotting.” He narrowed his eyes comically at the tiny kitten who literally just wanted Nick to pet him. Clearly a demon in disguise. When Nick told him the name, Miles’ gaze flashed up to his face instead. “Coke,” he repeated. “Your cat’s name is Coke.” He proceeded introduce Miles himself as George, leading Miles to immediately roll his eyes again. “I honestly…don’t have words,” he said after a moment, shaking his head. “You are seriously the strangest part of my life. Everything about you.” It was true in every sense. Nick’s entire being confused Miles more than anything else. “You named your cat Coke. I can’t imagine it was after the drink.”

“Dang. I wish you told me that on New Years. I could’ve had my own concert.” The next time they drank together, Nick would have to remember to make the request. “Plotting what? Look at how tiny he is. He can’t hold that much evil, it won’t fit.” Now he was just baby talking Coke, who continued to revel in the attention. “Yeah. You don’t think it fits?” He asked in amusement as he looked back up at Miles. “Should I take that as a compliment?” Nick laughed, although he knew that no, it probably wasn’t a compliment at all. But he already knew that he said weird things sometimes, and that he probably put Miles off by it every once in awhile. But somehow, he was still his friend. “That’s part of it. He just gets really hyped up and wiry. One time I watched him chase his own tail for an hour.” Maybe he shouldn’t have said that he spent a whole hour watching his cat play. That could be an indicator that he needs to get a life again. Nick leaned back down to set Coke on the floor. “I don’t know if he’ll do that now, though. He looks like he just woke up.”

“No one said I was going to do it just because you wanted me to. I’ll perform when I feel like it.” Miles shook his head again. “There’s evil in there. You just refuse to see it.” He was a strong believer that the evil tendencies lay deep within every cat. Miles just didn’t know what the triggers were to unleash it. “I just— you’re something else, Nick.” Maybe it was just that his own pet was named after a book character, but something about the name Coke was just so very Nick and Miles couldn’t entirely hate it. “Sounds like you,” he pointed out teasingly, watching Coke be put on the floor. “I’m kinda jealous. I wish I had just woken up.” He looked back up at Nick. “Or that I was still sleeping. ‘Cause now I have to put up with this cat and his owner who clearly has it out for me, bringing animals I hate into his life.”

“Well, hopefully I’m around when you do feel like it.” Nick shrugged. “I guess love is blind.” Even though he truly didn’t think Coke was evil. He could be playful and a little rough sometimes, but Nick liked that about him. He had a cute personality. “I hear the judgement in your voice.” He said lightly, smiling down at the cat who was now walking across the floor and towards Miles. “Maybe. It’s okay, because we understand each other.” He knew Coke was about to try to come all the way up to Miles and try to sniff him. “You’re welcome to take a nap here, if you really need one. He might try to join you, though. It looks like he’s trying to get to know you.” He warned him lightly, even if he knew Coke wasn’t going to hurt him. He was just curious. “Hey, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, I didn’t do it intentionally.” He said absentmindedly, not thinking about how that might sound. “He was a surprise.”

“It’s likely.” Miles generally tended to drink when Nick was around. Not always, but still. “I haven’t been hiding the fact that I’m judging everyone in my immediate vicinity,” he pointed out, his eyes following the path of the little cat as he started to come closer to him. “I’m good on the nap.” He walked slowly as he spoke, not necessarily to get away from the cat, but to get to the couch to sit down before the cat got to him. Before he knew it, Coke was at his feet, sniffing his shoes. Miles didn’t take his eyes off him. “Ever again? Jeez.” Miles didn’t think it had seemed that serious at the time. “I didn’t think I made you feel that disposable to me.”

“Judge us all you want. It’s not going to break our bond.” Nick said as the cat slowly stalked towards Miles, and a smile crossed his face at the sight, even if he knew Miles just freaking hate him right now. “Knock yourself out. Just don’t be surprised if you wake up with a cat on your chest.” He teased. Although Coke really did like to snuggle, surprisingly. By his name most would assume he never settled down. And for the most part, they’d be right. But he had his moments. “Maybe not ever again.” He admitted with a nod. “But not as much as before.” He paused, and before it could get too awkward, he moved on. “If I wasn’t before, now that I have a cat I’m sure I am. I know I’m on your shit list now. Though if you ask me it’s totally unjustified.”

“I’m judging you as separate entities, not as one collective unit.” Miles judged Nick for getting a cat, and Coke for being one. “I said I’m good on the nap. As in no thank you. Just as I’m judging everyone in this room, I also don’t trust you at all.” Which was a total lie. He’d slept in front of Nick several times. Coke was a different story, though. He looked up from the cat to look at Nick instead. Obviously it was serious if he dared to let the animal out of his sight. “You’re not,” he said genuinely. “I just needed time. I would’ve needed you eventually.” He had already hit that point, truthfully, which was brought him here today. He knew Nick wasn’t trying to get deep, and Miles smiled just a bit as he looked down again. “I don’t know what kind of people you hang around but most people don’t drop the L bomb just for the hell of it.”

“That sounds more like a you problem than a me problem.” Nick wasn’t phased; he’d already expected this reaction out of Miles if and when he found out about his new pet. Stupidly, perhaps, he was optimistic that he’d come around eventually. But maybe that was just wishful thinking on his end. “Well, now you’re just trying to hurt my feelings.” He said, not taking it to heart because he was sure that Miles was just kidding. At least Nick hoped that he was kidding. He tried not to smile at the sight of Coke cautiously feeling Miles out, but he couldn’t help it. Surprised by Miles’ next words, Nick had to take a small pause. He really hadn’t expected them to really vocalize what had happened between them before their time apart. He was sure they’d revert back to their old ways of strictly not talking about things. But here Miles was, bringing it up. And it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just caught him off guard. “No, but most people have better luck than we do.” He finally said, shrugging and dropping his attention down to Coke. “Things came up. Not anyone’s fault. Just didn’t think things would be the same, you know?”

“Eh, I’d say more of an us problem. We both have our faults here.” Miles could admittedly be a bit more accepting. He honestly was just having more fun giving Nick a hard time about it, at this point. Coke was clearly not a threat to him, simply sniffing where he could reach and at one point rubbing against his leg. Miles still couldn’t bring himself to feel the urge to reach down and pet him or anything, but it was better than nothing. “Nope, just being honest.” He knew there was a chance for things to go sour whenever he brought up something serious. Nick obviously wasn’t always to blame, because Miles jumped to conclusions and made assumptions. It was really a hit or miss with them. But it seemed to be okay, judging by Nick’s response. They were getting there. “I guess,” Miles agreed, mirroring Nick’s shrug. “I mean, things really aren’t the same, to be fair. But I still—“ He cut himself off, knowing he probably shouldn’t say it. Even if he wanted to; even if he really meant it. “It’s all good, though. We’re good.” He looked up at Nick again, nodding firmly to assure himself as well. “All good.”

“Speak for yourself. I bet you can’t even name one of mine.” Actually, that was false, Nick was sure he could name several right off the bat without even thinking about it. And he’d probably be right about every single one. Maybe Nick should just shut up — but being unable to seemed to be one of the main items on the ‘what’s wrong with him’ list. “Oh, so being mean is okay if you’re just being honest? That’s good to know.” He teased, coming over to the couch to join him, lowering himself down on the cushion next to him. “I know… they’re not the same.” Nick replied carefully. He wasn’t expecting them to be the same. Not after everything. Miles was about to go to court against his stepdad. And Nick still had things he was trying to deal with, too. Maybe they weren’t good for each other, or maybe it wasn’t the right time. For a little while, he let himself believe that there could be a chance. But now he wasn’t so sure there would ever be a real one — just a bunch of feelings towards his best friend that made him feel like a mess. “But we’re good.” He repeated, then swallowed, nodding his head. Then, unable to help more truth from slipping, he spoke again. “I’m glad I ran into you today.”

“You really want to take that chance?” Miles challenged. In truth, he wouldn’t particularly enjoy sitting there listing all the flaws Nick had. It wasn’t like Miles didn’t have several of his own. “Honesty is honesty. It’s not my fault if you’re offended by it.” He grinned, just as a reminder that he was still trying to be funny. Nick wasn’t that sensitive but still. He watched him sit next to him and listened to the way he spoke. It often didn’t sit right with him, the way they talked to each other. They were cautious despite everything, even when they were being totally honest. There was always some sort of wedge between them. Sometimes it wasn’t too intense, though — like now. Miles didn’t feel like he was being completely shut out by him. In fact, at Nick’s last words, Miles felt the opposite effect. He watched him carefully, his gaze lingering a little too long, but when Nick didn’t seem all that fazed by it, Miles went for it, leaning in and kissing him because he wanted to. It wasn’t like there was anyone to hide from, and especially not like they hadn’t done it before, but it always felt just a little bit scandalous. Miles couldn’t help but feel like it was something he shouldn’t be doing every single time. Yet he couldn’t ever help himself.

“I do, but maybe on another day. Not feeling like being berated today, for some reason.” Nick laughed. “Lucky for you I don’t get offended easily.” A lie, because he did sometimes. Just not by Miles. The atmosphere shifted between the two of them, and before Nick could snap himself out of it they were just looking at each other. And there’s so many things Nick wanted to say and do that he wasn’t brave enough for. But he didn’t have to be brave, because it was Miles who was leaning in to kiss him. And Nick should know better by now. He should be strong enough to end it before something else went wrong again. But instead of pulling away, he was raising his hands to cup both sides of Miles’ face while he gently responded to the kiss. His heart was pounding at that moment, because he’d missed this, even if this was different from the other times they kissed. Miles knew how he felt about him now — or should know. Nick wasn’t trying to hide the fact that he cared; that he still cared. But he still knew it was something they shouldn’t be doing. But just like the other times, he ignored that voice in his head in favor of scooting himself in closer, breaking their kiss just briefly before urgently pressing their lips back together.

And just like that, they were gone again. Miles had never had any intention of pretending nothing had happened. Their situations put a hold on things for sure, but it wasn’t like it made him stop feeling what he felt for Nick. He didn’t say all the things that he said for no reason. And while he knew Nick didn’t want things to get too far emotionally, Miles just couldn’t help the fact that he wanted him. It was difficult not to, and downright impossible to fight the urge. So he didn’t. And Nick clearly wasn’t either. He wasn’t quite frantic, but his hands weren’t necessarily gentle as they twisted in the fabric of Nick’s shirt. They had very little control over themselves around each other. That was clear from their very first kiss, even more so in Greg’s car, and now, here, as Miles felt his own skin warming as their legs pressed together from their awkward sitting position. He pulled at Nick’s shirt, urging him to move toward him so they could more adequately fit comfortably on the couch.

Rationally, Nick understood that he shouldn’t keep doing this with Miles. But he’d never been very rational when it came to, well, anything. And he especially wasn’t rational when it came to Miles. He’d wanted him for awhile now, even when he tried to act like he didn’t. But he couldn’t quite seem to shake him. He wasn’t in the best head space, and his thoughts had been more of a mess than usual lately. Having Miles grabbing at his shirt and tugging him closer, though, helped to push everything out of his mind. He wanted Miles. He missed him. And right now, that’s all he could think about. Nick followed along and came closer still while still maintaining their kiss. Without thinking, he lowered his hands to Miles’ shoulders and gently urged him to lay back on the couch, hoping the change in position would allow them to get closer.

Months ago, Miles probably would have cared a lot more about the fact that he was kissing Nick of all people. Now, it wasn’t quite that; he had gotten past that weird internal ‘whoa, I like my best friend’ thing. It was more the fact that Nick had this…internalized homophobia, for lack of a better term, and was adamant about the fact that he didn’t want this. He didn’t want to hurt Miles by not giving him what he wanted, yet here he was, pushing Miles backward so he could literally move on top of him. It wasn’t all that confusing. He knew that, like himself, Nick just couldn’t find it in him to fight the physical urges, and Lord knew they would go back to acting like it didn’t go beyond that. At the very moment, Miles couldn’t bring himself to care that much as he finally lay down on the couch, his fingers going from tangling in the fabric up to thread through Nick’s hair instead. He wasn’t worried about whatever was going to happen after this — at least, not yet.

For the most part, Nick had already come to terms with how he felt about his best friend. He knew he loved him; enough to tell him that to his face on two separate occasions. With everything that they were both going through, though, this wasn’t smart. But fuck it — because he never claimed to be, anyway. As Miles began to lean back, tangling his hand in his hair as he did so, Nick let out a soft groan into his mouth. He moved along with him, balancing his legs on either side of his body so he could keep kissing him. His hands began to make their way down Miles’ body, roaming down his chest, before a loud squeaky meow interrupted his thoughts. And before he knew it, Coke was suddenly jumping up directly onto Miles.

He figured it was probably the groan that really did him in. The second he heard that clear confirmation that Nick was just as into it, Miles sort of lost his inhibitions — not that there was much to be said about them to begin with. But coupled with the hands sliding down his chest, it had Miles pulling a little harder on Nick’s hair to keep him there while simultaneously pressing his body up into Nick’s. They really should stop. It would be smarter. But Miles didn’t have any intention of doing that. At least, not until he felt fur graze his cheek, followed by the feeling of tiny paws right on top of his head. It happened very quickly from there. Naturally, Miles reacted a bit more intensely than was at all necessary. His immediate intention was to get away from the cat, which meant lifting his head. He ended up trying to sit up immediately. His forehead collided with Nick’s before they even came apart from each other, and in response, Miles instinctively clenched his jaw, which meant biting down directly on Nick’s lip. After the whole ordeal, Miles finally recoiled and sat up, Nick still awkwardly positioned over him. He glanced over his shoulder to where Coke seemed startled, now having ended up back on the floor next to the couch. Miles took a moment to catch his breath before turning his attention back to Nick. “Did I…” He trailed off, knowing the answer to his own question, and listed a hand slowly to his own lips. “Holy shit. I’m sorry.”

In the very, very back of his mind Nick knew that Coke had jumped up there with them, because he heard him as he did so. He even figured he’d have to put him up, if this continued to escalate, which it did. Well, at least it was before suddenly Miles jerked up, their foreheads colliding. And almost at the same moment, he could feel Miles’ teeth bite down on his lower lip. Wincing, Nick jerked back himself, his hand flying up to cover his mouth. He watched with panicked eyes as Miles realized what had happened. Before Nick spoke, he ran his tongue over his lip, both trying to see if he was bleeding and trying to soothe the sting. “Yeah you did.” He replied, words muffled as he covered his mouth still. Finally, Nick moved off of him, the mood officially ruined. “It’s okay — it’s… fine.” But the awkwardness was clear in his tone. Nick stood up and took his hand away from his mouth so he could swoop down and pick up Coke. “Sorry. He’s never seen people… make out before.” He didn’t want to say that, but really, that’s what they were doing. “He just wants attention, I guess.” So did Nick, but that was effectively ruined. Even still, he couldn’t be mad at the cat.

Miles was truly mortified. He’d been so startled by a kitten that he’d ruined the entire mood by legitimately biting him. “Holy shit,” Miles said again, because he couldn’t even believe that he was this way. Nick was covering his mouth and Miles didn’t know if he’d made him bleed or anything. He watched as Nick finally got up and went to pick up the cat. Miles nodded dumbly, understanding that that was just what animals did because they didn’t know any better. He just couldn’t believe he’d reacted in such a way. “Fuck,” he said a little breathlessly, bringing a hand up to run through his hair. Things had gotten out of hand and then came crashing down in such a short period it almost made Miles dizzy trying to keep up. Maybe he should have asked Nick to put away for a while after all. But what could he do now? “I think he knows what he did.”

Nick could taste a faint hint of iron, and while he wasn’t like — gushing blood or anything, Miles had made him bleed a little bit. He wasn’t sure he should tell him that, though. The mood was already ruined. No need to further drive it into its grave. Licking at his bottom lip, he chose to look down at the kitten in his arms disapprovingly. Though, as Coke once again began to purr in his arms, he didn’t have it in him to truly be mad. His face still kind of ached from the impact, though. “No he didn’t.” Nick shook his head, sighing deeply and petting the kittens head with just his pointer finger. “He saw me rolling around on you so he probably wanted to do it too.” Nick avoided looking at him as he spoke. “Uh — Murphy could be here any minute though. You can watch TV or something if you want. Until he gets here.” Unless he wanted to leave, which Nick wouldn’t blame him if he did. He kind of wanted to leave, and it was his own damn apartment.

Miles saw how Nick kept licking his lip. He figured he must have been bleeding a little bit, and Miles couldn’t help the guilt in the pit of his stomach. He knew it wasn’t a huge deal, but he certainly wished he didn’t care so much about a little cat. “I was just kidding.” He obviously didn’t think the cat had it out for him. “I know that.” It was always worse after they did something they knew they probably should have. Miles couldn’t even be angry about it; he had known that this was going to happen. The inevitable awkwardness made itself known, and Miles sighed as he stood up, smoothing out his shirt. “All good. I’ll leave you guys to it,” he said, gesturing toward Coke. It wasn’t like he wanted to dip just because something had gone off the rails; he’d just rather leave things on a relatively high note, having been happy to reconnect with Nick at all, rather than creating more of a chance for things to go sour. “It was good seeing you, though. I’ll see you soon.”

Maybe Coke interrupting them was for the best, but Nick was admittedly still disappointed about it. He didn’t think him and Miles would do that kind of thing again, not like they used to before. Too much had happened, and it felt like they were more like adults and less like awkward fumbling twenty somethings. But here they were — once more awkward and fumbling and unsure of what to say or do. “Okay… Yeah. Yeah, I’ll see you later.” He said, trying to sound at least a little normal. But that failed, when he suddenly remembered something. “Wait—“ He blurted out, setting Coke down again in the process. “I have something for you.”

Admittedly, things were better than before. Miles still thought about when they had actually had sex in Greg’s car, and immediately afterward, it was like they did a complete 180. They couldn’t even look at each other, let alone recognize what had happened. Now, it was much less dramatic, but fairly uncomfortable nonetheless. Miles figured it was due to the fact that there wasn’t technically anything between them but at the same time, it didn’t mean nothing. So it was hard to make sense of it, and therefore easier to just leave before anything got worse. He stopped himself from leaving when Nick spoke, though, and Miles turned to look at him expectantly. “Okay,” he said simply in response.

It seemed like not much had changed, after all. They both clearly still had some type of feeling toward each other. Nick had tried to push him out of his head, but it didn’t work. And now he was left with this feeling of weirdness in the pit of his stomach, because he was still painfully into his best friend. And now that much was obvious, once again. “Okay.” He nodded before holding up his hand, silently signaling to him that its only be a second. “Hold on.” He said before he turned in order to walk back to his room. He felt awkward about even doing this, but he’d gotten it for him when they weren’t talking, and he didn’t want to forget in case they were both too awkward to talk again for another two weeks. Nick could feel Coke run behind him, and as he reached his door he faltered, like he always seemed to do. But he was fine now, he could go in now. He’d worked on that over the past month or so. Having Coke go in with him every night had seemed to help. Right now, Coke was still in the living room with Miles; he could hear his bell shake. But he was still fine enough, because he knew who was around. Pushing his door open, he walked to the desk he had re-arranged to the other side of the room and grabbed the item out of one of the drawers. Leaving the door open behind him, he came back out to the living room and came to stand in front of Miles. “Okay, hope you’re ready.” He said with a small grin before dangling the Stranger Things Dustin keychain in front of him. “It’s not that much of a gift. But it reminded me of you, because you remind me of Dustin. And we still haven’t finished all of Stranger Things, so I thought this would be a good reminder for us to, you know — do that.” He smiled slightly. “I got Mike for myself. Because he’s the leader. Obviously.” But also because he’s secretly always wanted to be a D&D Dungeon Master.

Miles watched curiously as Nick walked away. He didn’t miss how he seemed to slow down a bit before actually going into his room. It wasn’t like Miles forgot everything that had happened. He knew Nick physically couldn’t go inside at a point, and Miles wondered if he should approach him now and offer to go for him. He hated not being caught up on the past month. But soon he disappeared into his room and Miles exhaled with relief. When Nick returned, he presented him with a keychain that had reminded him of Miles, and Miles couldn’t help the smile that immediately appeared. “Oh, wow,” he said slowly, taking the keychain from him and admiring it in his hands. “This is cool, man. Definitely a necessary reminder. Thanks.” He immediately pocketed it for safe keeping. He’d have to deal with it for real when he got home. “I pegged you as more of a Lucas myself. But I’ll take it.”

Nick didn’t know why he was so nervous giving him a keychain, but he felt himself get anxious as he handed it over. Seeing Miles take it from him, he smiled and relaxed his shoulders. “I thought so. We’ll have to watch more, soon. When you’re not busy.” And when they weren’t feeling quite as awkward. “I wouldn’t mind being a Lucas, either.” But all those kids were way cooler than he was at that age, in all honesty. “Anyway… yeah. I’ll see you later, man.”

#CANON #coffee and coke #current verse

[nilesarchives]

New Year, New Me ― CANON. (current verse)

Nick and Miles hang out at a New Years Eve party and smooch at midnight. It’s the first time anything happens between them around other people (even if no one actually sees them). So like, a big deal.

Later on in the night, they’re both drunk and Miles asks Nick to come back to his place. Stuff goes down... well, sort of. NSFW.

Miles always found himself somewhere new to ring in the new year. Sometimes it was with family, other times with close friends — this year, it was neither, as he found himself wandering the basement of a friend-of-a-friend’s home. The place wasn’t quite packed, but there were plenty of faces Miles didn’t recognize. One who didn’t fall into that category, obviously, was Nick, who Miles hoped was still behind him as he finally moved to a spot of open air, right near the TV where a crowd had formed to watch the whole New Years Eve countdown thing. “I’m not cut out for this anymore,” Miles said when he could finally see his friend again. He was glad they were here together, given the events that unfolded a little prior to Christmas, followed by completely different events on Christmas. But they always somehow found their way back to being each other’s sidekicks at parties like this. “It’s already way past my bedtime. I don’t think I’ll even last until midnight, man.”

Nick usually took his New Years Eve plans very seriously. The previous years, he’d made it a point to scope out the biggest parties, of the ones that were likely to be the most memorable. This year was different. Nick didn’t even realize New Years was so close; he’d been so focused on just trying to get through the overwhelming holiday that was Christmas. When word got out that a friend of a friend was throwing a small New Years party, Nick wasn’t sure he even wanted to go. He almost didn’t, although he knew that he should go socialize and see his friends. It turned out Miles was going, though, and if Miles was going then Nick had to show up. They always seemed to end up at these parties together — even if it was unplanned. It was practically tradition. Nick smiled and nodded at people he recognized as he walked through the apartment, realizing he’d seen a lot of these same people at previous parties although he couldn’t remember half of their names. Maybe if he was feeling the spirit of New Years later he’d ask them. But for now (for once) he wanted time to ease into making himself mingle with everyone. Nick didn’t think twice before walking with Miles to an open spot, still near everybody but further enough away to have breathing room. “Sure you can, man. I believe in you.” He half smiled at him. “Everyone says that until they start drinking and get too hyped up to sleep. Then you wake up the next day and regret everything.” That’s how Nick always started the New Year.

Miles shook his head, looking down at plastic cup in his hand, which actually contained water this time around. “I’m not even, like…all that fun when I’m drunk,” he pointed out, though it wasn’t like Nick didn’t know that. “I mean, only past a certain point. Everyone has that uphill climb when you’re full of adrenaline and stuff but once I’m over that it’s just not pretty.” So he was trying to prevent that this time. Or maybe just prolong it, at the very least, so he’d be in that heightened state to bring in 2015. “I won’t be regretting it tomorrow, though. I’m a good boy.” He lifted the cup of water to prove his point. “I hope you’re staying adequately hydrated. I don’t mean to mom you, but you never know with you.” At this point, he really didn’t know what Nick was up to sometimes. He was learning all these surprises about him lately. But that didn’t matter right now.

Nick glanced down at Miles’ cup knowingly. Leave it to him to be the more responsible one. Nick supposed that’s why he managed to stay out of trouble. Well, for the most part. Excluding the Greg thing which he really didn’t want to think about right now, because Miles was finally starting to look like himself again. “I think you’re fun.” He said with a shrug as he glanced at a few people who passed by. “You’re right about that though. Probably best for you to not ring in the New Year with a hangover.” Nick has, but that doesn’t mean he enjoyed it. Just the events leading up to it. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” He replied, but he wasn’t necessarily offended. That comment wasn’t necessarily unwarranted, after all. “I actually haven’t been drinking. Yet.” He tacked on so it wouldn’t seem to out of character for him. “But I’ll stay hydrated. Don’t worry, Mom. I even made sure to pack a Capri Sun in my jacket pocket so drunk me would want to drink more liquids.” He patted the side of his jacket, figuring Miles would think he was kidding, but he always made sure he was prepared to overdo it even when he didn’t plan on it. “Chances are we’ll both remember this New Years Eve. It’s almost midnight anyway.” He turned his head to glance at the TV people were currently gathered around. Almost midnight, but not quite. “Are you excited for 2015?” He turned back to Miles with a small grin. “Any cool New Years resolutions?”

Miles didn’t want to feel the familiar warmth in his chest whenever Nick said something as simple as finding him fun, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. It didn’t take much nowadays. “Yeah, well. You get to laugh at me,” he settled on saying in response after a moment, again watching the water swirl around in his cup before raising his head again. “Just being honest. I know how you roll at these things for the most part. Capri Suns are terrible for you, for the record. You’re probably better off with just straight vodka at that point.” Though Miles had to admit a juice box sounded good right about then. “Yeah — ten minutes?” He squinted as he tried to read the little timer in the corner of the TV, but there were a lot of drunk people in the way. “Sure. I’m not sure it’ll be much different from this year, but we’ll see.” He shrugged. “Not really. Maybe do a little bit more with my mom, especially after everything. But I’m already super jacked so it’s not like I need to work out or anything. I guess I could keep perfecting my stripping skills to steal your job, though. What about you?”

“When do I ever laugh at you?” Nick asked rhetorically, amused before the conversation shifted to Miles insulting him and his Capri Suns. “Think what you want about me, but leave the Capri Suns out of this. If they were bad adults wouldn’t let their kids have them.” He states matter of factly, although that statement was clearly not entirely factual. His Grandpa let him drink a beer when he was eight so clearly some people weren’t really worried about those things. “Seeing your Mom more is a good one.” He nodded. “So your other resolution is to see me jobless. Nice.” He couldn’t help but laugh. Normally he’d be concerned about people overhearing what he did for a living, but truthfully no one was even paying attention to them. “Well, I’m going to try to find another job. Especially with you trying to steal mine. I need to be one step ahead.” He playfully glared at him for a fraction of a second. “And I want to finish Stranger Things with you. That’s also important.” Nick nodded. “And I want to be a guest judge on Cupcake Wars. But that’s every years resolution.” Obviously.

“I could try to remember every time but we’d be here a while.” Truthfully, they usually ended up just laughing together anyway. “I’m not saying I don’t like them. I’m just saying they’re not good for you. They aren’t a useful alternative to alcohol. Parents let kids have plenty of terrible things.” Miles shrugged. “Well, these skills have to go somewhere. Sorry, man.” He was glad to hear that Nick was going to look for other jobs. Something about him being there still rubbed Miles the wrong way after what had happened. “That will be good for you,” he said seriously. “Stranger Things, too. I’m annoyed that we’re gonna be a year behind everyone else but it’s no one’s fault but ours, I guess.” He knew that they were just going to have to try harder not to talk the whole time. “I would watch the hell out of that episode. I think you’d have more luck just becoming a contestant, though.”

Nick rolled his eyes playfully at the comment, but didn’t feel the need to reply. “Sugar water is good for humming birds, maybe scientists thought it’d be the same for kids.” He shrugged. Who was he to argue with the creators of Capri Sun? He just thought they tasted good. “Maybe I’ll end up mixing it with vodka at some point so it’s extra bad for me.” He joked. At the talk of him finding another job, Nick nodded. “Yeah… I want to. I don’t know if I’ll find anything better, but we’ll see.” At the Stranger Things talk, Nick smiled again. “We’ll get there, dude. Even if we have to binge it right before season three starts. Maybe it’s even better this way so we won’t have months of withdrawals like everybody else.” They’d have to avoid spoilers like the plague, though, considering everyone else in the world has seen it besides them. “That means more to me than you know.” He said seriously, raising his hand to his chest as he did. “You really think so? That’d be the ultimate dream. Maybe you could come with me and be my teammate. I think we have the same creative vision.”

“Do they say artificial flavors are good for hummingbirds, too? I must have missed that scientific discovery.” As if Miles actually cared about eating healthy. He put a lot of crap into his body. “That doesn’t even sound like a terrible idea. I mean, it is a terrible idea but I still want to try it.” He figures if he was up for it later he’d go hunt down the ingredients for Nick’s new cocktail. “I think there are plenty of better options for you. You just have to work your way up. But anything’s probably better than that.” Maybe not anything, but there were certainly quite a few that would be a start. “Seriously. I’m not great under pressure, though. I guess I could just tag along and taste things as you go but you can’t count on me to do any baking. I’ll crack, man.” He noticed a sudden commotion near them, and Miles turned to see the crowd gathering further around the TV as the countdown got closer to midnight. “Well, looks like we’re almost in 2015. I have a feeling it’ll be your big Cupcake Wars break for sure.”

“I don’t know, I’m not a birdologist.” Nick laughed, nodding. “It’s a horrible idea. But you can try it with me if you want. We should do it right before we leave so you don’t have to worry about getting sick in front of all these people.” He only had one jumbo Capri Sun anyway, so the cocktail wouldn’t be particularly big. “I’m gonna try. I dunno. We’ll see.” Nick shrugged. He wasn’t really sure if he’d be able to find anything that paid as well as his current job did, and that was the important part. But he’d at least try. “I believe in you. I need you there, dude. You’re the only other person who knows how the competition works as well as I do.” He said genuinely, gently slapping Miles’ shoulder as he spoke. The excited yells and murmurs from beside them soon grabbed his attention, though, and he turned his head to glance at the TV currently airing the countdown. “And this will be the year you get your big Stripping break.” He turned back to grin at him. “We’re so underprepared, though. We don’t have 2015 sunglasses or tiaras or anything. I guess we’ll just have to do the countdown super loudly to make up for it. You ready?”

“I will almost definitely throw up.” They were pretty good at bad ideas, though, so he was still into it. “I guess that’s all you can really do.” There was certainly no harm in trying. “But it’s too much pressure, dude. I know I’d fall apart under the circumstances. Cupcakes are too serious for me. I just like to watch. And eat them.” Miles was definitely more of a judge type, but that was Nick’s aspiration. “Man, I hope so. It’s my life’s dream.” It was now Miles’ unspoken duty to give Nick shit about the stripping thing as often as he could without downright disrespecting him. “Well, we can just borrow them from someone else here. I doubt any of these drunk people would notice.” He could stick with the countdown thing, though. “Yeah. I mean, it’s no big deal.” He shrugged. He had never considered it a huge thing. He’d stay where he was and watch drunk couples kiss at midnight and cheer with the other drunk single people and then that would be it. “I might have to go find the dog to kiss me at midnight, though. Start my year off right.”

Nick nodded in understanding. “Maybe if I ever get on as a contestant we can sneak you in to be a judge. Or security or something. Then I can just sneak you the cupcakes.” And probably get kicked out of the competition, but he’d risk it. “If you need help working on your professional stripping skills, don’t be afraid to ask. I’ve got years of experience now.” Nick didn’t freely talk about what he did with just anybody, but it was easy to joke about this with Miles, because he knew he didn’t think less of him for being a stripper. “Honestly, probably not.” He rose an eyebrow as he heard the crowd go wild again, and Nick wondered if he sounded like that when he partied. He probably sounded worse. “Good plan. But if you can’t find the dog, you might want to find a human backup. ‘Cause if you don’t you’ll get ten years of bad luck.”

“I could deal with that. Although if we’re being totally honest, we’re both better off as we are.” Miles himself much preferred watching it from his couch whilst eating store bought cupcakes that he didn’t have to work for. “I appreciate that. You should teach lessons. I’d do it.” He wasn’t sure where Nick drew his line, but if Miles had to guess, that was probably it. Miles continued to watch the people around them begin to grab onto each other and move in closer, in all of their respective pairs as the clock ticked down. “There are very few people here I would consider worth these luscious lips.” He chuckled, but he was totally serious. He turned his attention back to Nick with a shrug. “Besides. I think you know as well as I do I only really want to kiss one person lately,” he admitted, having no fear in doing so. He was sure to lower his voice, though. He knew they weren’t a ‘thing,’ they weren’t boyfriends, and Nick wasn’t ready to even be anything close to that in front of people. Miles didn’t mind. “But it’s not necessary in front of all these people. I can kiss that person another time.”

“I hate to admit it, but you’re probably right. I need to practice first. Really get good at making a solid cupcake.” Nick loved cupcakes, so he probably would try to make some from scratch one day to see if he could. He wasn’t banking on a good outcome, but hey, who knew? “Maybe that should be my new job. Stripper teaching. That’s how I got into it, you know. A friend taught me. Maybe there’s a market for stripping coaching out there.” He said quietly enough so no one else would hear him. If they did, that’s when he’d shut up. It was all fun and games until someone heard him. “Luscious lips? Have you been using Lip Smackers, or what?” His lips tugged into an amused grin. “Well, God, Miles. If you wanted to kiss Lily that bad you should have just invited her.” He said, clearly joking, although maybe that was too soon to joke about. But he knew what Miles meant, and his heart was undoubtedly warmed by it. His words made him feel things he never expected to feel, but he wasn’t pushing them away this time. This time he was embracing them. “What if…” His voice suddenly took a serious turn, and he felt ridiculously vulnerable. Not to mention stupid. There were a thousand negative thoughts now running through his head telling him that he shouldn’t say that he was about to say, but his heart wasn’t seeming to listen to them. “What if that person wants to kiss you here?”

“I volunteer to be your taste tester.” Miles might end up trying some admittedly bad cupcakes, but it was all in the name of helping Nick improve. Plus, a bad cupcake was still a cupcake. “Really? Is that a thing? To be fair, you kind of inadvertently showed me a thing or two.” He had technically stripped in front of him, after all. “Yes, luscious — I said what I said. You’re right, though. The cotton candy kind.” He had actually been obsessed with those for a while as a kid. At Nick’s joke, Miles rolled his eyes, though he appreciated the humor in the situation as a whole. “You’re hilarious.” He shook his head and sipped from his water, immediately pushing Lily out of his thoughts. None of that mattered when he was with Nick. And it became even truer when Nick spoke next. Miles raised an eyebrow at him as he peered over the edge of his cup. “What?” was all he could say at first. He finally lowered his drink then. “You don’t… I mean, it’s… Nick, there’s people around,” he finally settled on, glancing at the crowded area around them. “It’s not a big deal to me, you know. I know I’m not your…” He trailed off. He didn’t need to say it. He shrugged instead. “It’s just not a big deal,” he repeated.

“You might have to be my only taste tester. I don’t think anyone else is brave enough.” So Nick definitely appreciated the offer. “Well it is now.” He paused, caught off guard by the comment. He smiled slightly, a little embarrassed. “…That doesn’t count.” Nick laughed at the luscious lips talk. “Good, everyone knows cotton candy is the best kind. That and the soda ones. I liked the root beer one, personally. It just didn’t make my lips very luscious because I kept licking it off.” Hence the name lip smackers, he guessed. The playful conversation slowly gave way to something more serious, and Nick was left feeling exposed. But he wasn’t denying what he just suggested. “I know there is. And I know… I know you’re not. But…” He shrugged slightly. “Then it shouldn’t be a big deal if I do it.” He said cautiously. He knew it was a big deal. It felt like a very big deal.

“I feel like that’s typical between the two of us. We have to do things for each other because no one else is willing to breach this territory.” It was definitely strange territory sometimes, so Miles couldn’t particularly blame other people. “It so does count. Only difference is I didn’t have to pay for it. But I got the full experience.” He laughed lightly, knowing it was probably the alcohol coursing through his veins making him speak so nonchalantly about it, especially in front of other people. “Okay. I’m done now, promise.” Maybe. Time would tell. “They do that on purpose, y’know. Make it so you keep licking your lips and make ‘em even drier so you have to keep buying more. Get with it, Nicholas.” He wanted to figure out where this had come from, why Nick was suddenly interested in the prospect of kissing him in front of other people. But all Miles could really do was blink, unable to try and put the pieces together. Why now? Here? “If…” He trailed off, looking over at the TV once again, which was now counting down the final minute of the year. “If you’re sure,” he finally said, holding his gaze again. “But don’t — don’t push yourself.” His voice was lower again, and he took a step toward Nick. It felt like too much space between them to be talking about something so…intimate. “I’m not gonna tell you no.”

“If you ask me they’re missing out.” Just because their ideas didn’t make sense or seem good to other people didn’t mean they were any less valid. Nick was glad Miles thought the same way he did — half the time it seemed like he was the only person who understood what he was saying. “Lucky you.” Nick frowned at the teasing. “If you tried to pay me for it we would no longer be speaking.” He wasn’t exactly mad, he was just used to it being a touchy subject. “Are you sure?” He deadpanned. “Shit —- you’re right. I can’t be mad at smart business strategies, though. Maybe I should have asked for lip smackers for Christmas. My lips have been way less luscious than when I used to use it.” Nick didn’t know exactly what had gotten into him. All he knew is that over the past few weeks, something had changed with him and Miles. It was subtle, but they were no longer trying to hide the fact that they wanted to kiss each other. So Nick, from time to time, had moments where he thought that he wanted to try to kiss him again. Apparently, right now was one of the moments. “I don’t want…everyone to see us.” That thought made him nervous. He continued to keep his voice quiet. “I’m not ready for that.” He held his gaze in return, trying to be honest. “But I want to be able to kiss you at midnight. Because I want to.” He could hear the countdown in the background, and it was getting closer and closer to midnight. Nick reached out to grasp onto Miles’ sleeve and took a step backwards, hoping he would take the hint and move with him closer to the wall  and away from the crowds of people.

“I am lucky. But I didn’t need to pay you.” Miles wanted to remind him that he got his fair share, but he left that part out. “Okay, now I am,” he promised. “That would have been a good gift. Though I think what I did get you was better.” He was proud of the t-shirt. Meaningful gifts and all that shit. He nodded slowly as Nick spoke, even if admittedly he should have been more taken back by what he’d said. He knew he should have cared, but…it was Nick. He wanted to be with him. If this was what Nick needed, then so be it, even if that meant hiding in the shadows. Though Miles supposed this was a step in the right direction. He watched Nick pull his sleeve, blindly stepping forward to follow him. They were moving further away from the view of others, which was fair, and what Miles would have expected anyway. He felt like he was a part of something much larger, sneaking around and trying to keep it under wraps. It made his heart race. He looked over his shoulder, watching the seconds tick down. “I hope…” He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go with that at first. He paused and bit down on the inside of his cheek. “I hope next year is, um, easier.” They’d both had to deal with some shit this year, about a lot of things. Miles just wanted things to be simple. He looked down, his hand sliding up Nick’s arm slowly. Ten seconds. Miles met his eyes, his palms feeling sweaty like he was fourteen and about to have his first kiss. It still didn’t feel real sometimes, even seeing Nick in front of him, but he held his gaze and waited.

“Do you ever get tired of being so hilarious?” Nick’s words were clearly coated in sarcasm, but he knew that Miles was (mostly) being harmless. “Yeah… That was the best gift.” He said genuinely. He hadn’t expected it, but he loved it and was planning on wearing it whenever he could. As he and Miles walked further back, Nick’s heart was racing. Maybe this isn’t what most people thought of when they thought of kissing who they wanted at midnight. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to Miles, because they’d be hidden. It wasn’t like it was in the middle of the room. But still… to him, it felt like it was. It felt like the step before taking that step, and it was exciting as it was nerve wracking. “Me too.” Nick murmured back when they stopped. For a moment, it felt like they were two awkward teenagers, just staring at each other and unsure of what to do. Miles’ hand traveling up his arm and the way he was already standing so close made him want this even more — and suddenly he was very sure of this decision. On the count of six, Nick tugged him even closer by his sleeve. On the count of three, he lifted his hands up to cup either side of Miles’ face. And on the count of one, he leaned in to gently press his lips against Miles’. His nose bumped his a little clumsily, and he almost smiled, but he was too preoccupied by how good it felt to be able to do this.

 “It’s really hard being me.” Miles wanted to flip his hair, but he didn’t have the long hair to flip and it just wouldn’t work. “I’m glad you liked it. Yours was way better, though. It’s been on repeat.” He’d been so psyched about it he could have actually cried. And maybe he did later on. He’d never tell. He hadn’t expected the night to come to this. Honestly, Miles didn’t think he’d be kissing anybody this year. But if it was going to be anyone, he was obviously glad it was Nick. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through him as they came closer while the countdown continued behind them. When it finally reached midnight, Nick pulled him in and kissed him. Miles could hear champagne popping open somewhere behind him, cheering, and he was positive that there was a lot of sloppy drunk kissing going on, but his eyes had slid shut at this point, his hands on Nick’s waist to hold him there. He hoped that this was going to set the tone for the new year. That this meant maybe things were going to be easier and Nick would feel more comfortable doing things like this. He was grinning when he pulled away, realizing there was nothing he wanted more from the night than for exactly that to occur. “It’s a shame it didn’t taste like lip smackers.”

“Poor you.” Nick really did love his gift, and he was glad to hear that Miles liked his too. “Good, I thought you might like it. I wouldn’t say it’s better. We both got equally good gifts, I think.” For as long as the countdown seemed to take, the kiss itself didn’t seem to last nearly as long. Or maybe the selfish part of his brain just wanted more of it. He’d kissed Miles before, but it was always in private. And more often than not, not even the two of them would really acknowledge it. This time it was different. It felt more real. Pulling back slightly, he opened his eyes to look at Miles. Unable to help it, he laughed at the comment. “Maybe next time we’ll remember to get some.”

“Alright. I can agree with that.” It spoke volumes how well they knew each other. They were able to get each other things that others wouldn’t even think of. Miles could have kept kissing him all night into the next morning if it were realistic, but they’d definitely get kicked out of the party eventually. He was content that they’d even kissed at all, to be fair. “Yeah. Next time,” he agreed. He obviously still remembered, but now it was difficult for him to understand why there was ever a time where the two of them tried to pretend they didn’t feel a certain way about each other. There were very few things holding them back now. Just a few more obstacles that Miles was sure they could eventually work through — hopefully — and then maybe everything would just work out fine. “Happy New Year, man.” He lingered for a moment, then shifted his attention behind him. No one seemed to even notice them, which Miles had suspected — but still. He understood. “I think we should go find some champagne.”

------------------------------

Back at his place later that night, away from the party and back to a celebration of their own, Miles closed the distance between them completely by pressing his lips roughly against Nick’s. It was nice not to think. He was just doing. It felt pretty invigorating, as a matter of fact. He stepped forward, effectively backing Nick up against the closed door of his bedroom as he did. He brought his hands up to cup Nick’s face. “I had to be quick. Getting you out of there.” Miles was quiet as he dropped one hand to gently pull at the fabric of Nick’s shirt and moved the kisses down to his neck instead. “Before you found someone else.” His words were muffled by Nick’s skin, which he couldn’t for a second step away from now that he had him where he wanted him. Not like he was saying anything important anyway.

The kiss distracted Nick from words in general. Miles was being rough, and while they’ve always been spur of the moment, Nick hadn’t seen Miles this eager, ever. But he didn’t question it, because he just wanted to feel something. He didn’t want to think. He sucked in a sharp breath as Miles backed him up against the door, and Nick moved his hands to slide up Miles’ shirt, grasping at his sides as his friend trailed the kisses down to his neck. He leaned his head to the side as a low moan escaped his throat, and he tried to pull Miles closer. “Who says I haven’t already?” He wasn’t sure why he said that, but he wasn’t himself. He didn’t mean it, but he didn’t care. He began to none too gently tug Miles shirt upwards. “Take it off.”

“Shut up.” Miles might have laughed in another situation. Maybe if he were less drunk. And slightly less desperate. The feeling of Nick’s hands on his bare skin sent a chill up Miles’ spine. Anytime he was with Nick, the slightest touch left Miles downright buzzing with anticipation. “You wouldn’t be here,” Miles countered, his voice low. The thought alone made him press his body firmly against Nick’s. It was most definitely a possessive thing. He didn’t have to be told twice, leaning back a bit to yank his own shirt up over his head and throwing it to the floor beside him. He didn’t waste any time pulling on Nick’s shirt to get rid of his as well, and Miles took the opportunity that they were apart to tug him toward the unmade bed. “You’re welcome to go find whoever that is instead, though. Don’ let me keep you.”

Nick had no choice but to listen to him, easily getting lost in how good Miles’ lips and hands felt on his body. They always did, every time they did this, but he was even more hyper-focused on the sensations now. He wasn’t sure what had possessed Miles to come up to him like he did, but he wasn’t exactly complaining. Nick’s heart thundered in his chest as Miles pressed his body against his own, and he swallowed, not having any vocal response to it. Miles wasn’t wrong, and they both knew it. Instead, he helped Miles pull up his shirt before they made work of removing Nick’s. He stumbled with him toward the bed, and he put his hands on Miles’ chest to push him onto it when they neared it. “Shut up.” He breathed, merely repeating Miles’ own words from either. With that, he climbed onto the bed with him, surging their lips together so they wouldn’t have to keep talking.

When it was just bare skin against bare skin, Miles often found it was impossible to control himself — especially with Nick, and especially as drunk as he currently was. Everything he felt was heightened. It was sort of a shock every time Nick touched him. He had definitely deserved to be told to shut his damn mouth. It was not the time to be a smart ass. He dragged his hands slowly down the front of Nick’s body. He stopped when he reached his pants and they came to rest on Nick’s sides instead. But Miles couldn’t help but arch his body upward, desperate to feel him. The sensation had him exhaling dazedly against Nick’s lips. Part of him still felt, deep down, that he had to be quick, like Nick wouldn’t be so cool with it if Miles dragged it on too long. That was what he reminded himself of as he lifted his hips again. He just wanted to touch him, but he did also want to test the waters first.

Nick could faintly hear Scout walking around outside the room, but it didn’t distract him from mindlessly kissing Miles and running his hands down his torso. He wasn’t thinking about how he shouldn’t do this, or who he was doing this with. He just wanted something, and he quickly decided he wanted this. His breath hitched when Miles arched upwards, and letting himself just go with it, he rolled his hips downward. His head dropped down to bury his head in Miles’ neck, trailing a series of kisses along the side of it. Something, though, was stopping him from running his hands further south. When it came to having random hookups after parties, old Nick would have already been in the middle of the ordeal by now. But his hands still remained at Miles’ sides. It felt good, and off at the same time. It didn’t feel real. He could thank the alcohol for that.

Miles was still feeling that confidence, the desire to just go for what he wanted — and he knew exactly what he wanted at the moment. He shifted and started to sit up until Nick got the hint, allowing Miles to flip them over and straddle Nick’s waist instead. He thought he’d gone slow enough by now, considering Nick’s reactions. Miles sat back a bit so he had space to reach between them and get Nick’s belt out of the way, followed by the button and the zipper on his pants. He leaned down to kiss him deeply again, one hand planted on the bed next to Nick’s head while the other dipped below the waistband of his boxers. He may have been forward, but it wasn’t too far fetched from any of his preceding actions. He wasted no time, wrapping his hand around him and moving slowly. He’d been wanting this, and he only hoped it would end up being just as good for Nick.

Nick was essentially just going off instinct, so when Miles began to sit up, Nick followed his lead. And before he knew it, their positions were being flipped and suddenly Miles was on top of him. And he should like it; it should have spurred him on even further. He always liked feeling Miles’ weight against him. Instead, he felt a little caught off guard. The weight was less arousing and more alarming, but he ignored it, because maybe he just wasn’t expecting it. He ignored it and instead kissed Miles’ back roughly, shifting his hips under him almost awkwardly as his friend slipped his hand under his boxers. He murmured something unintelligible against the man’s lips. He still wanted this, he told himself. He needed this, so it was going to happen. Nick’s hands slid up Miles’ back and into his hair, pulling him down closer while bucking his hips up slightly.

Miles had the slightest feeling in the back of his mind that Nick wasn’t totally there, which he chalked up to the alcohol. Things were pretty cloudy overall when they were drunk. Miles liked to think he could read Nick fairly well, at least as much as Nick was willing to let on. But his reactions seemed genuine, and so Miles saw no reason to back off, not until Nick gave him a clear one. He wanted him to feel good, though. Miles wanted Nick to know where he was abd who he was with, not be in a drunken haze through it. He leaned back and pulled his hand free in order to take Nick gently by the wrists and bring them together. He didn’t think twice about it, his left hand pinning them to the bed above Nick’s head, just as a general reminder that he didn’t have to stress or think too much about it; Miles just wanted him to feel good. He kissed the spot right under Nick’s ear, then got close to whisper, “Just relax,” as his free hand slowly made its way back to where it was before.

Nick and Miles had only gotten this far once before, and that seemed like ages ago now. They’d let themselves slip on numerous occasions; they’d kissed. They even did that recently. They hadn’t quite gotten to this point, though, with Miles’ hand down his boxers, stroking him gently. He wanted to melt into it; he wanted to want to do the same for him so badly. He tried to lose himself in the touches, to remind himself that it was Miles and that this was just supposed to be fun. For a second, it worked, but then Miles was taking his wrists in his hands and pinning them over his head. And it didn’t feel like he was with Miles anymore. It sounded like him; it looked like him. He knew it was him. But for a second, all he could picture was someone else pinning his hands over his head in a similar - but completely different way. All he could hear was that voice whispering things to him that he wanted to forget. Things that he was trying to forget by coming out tonight. Those thoughts were enough to ruin everything. “No.” He firmly said, jerking his hands out of Miles’ gentle hold and shaking his head. He scooted back away from him and tried to sit up, fingers grasping the sheets below him tried to stop the bile from rising in his throat. “I’m sorry - I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I was wrong.” Nick’s words sounded jumbled even to his own ears. His head was foggy, and he felt sick to his stomach. All he wanted earlier was to have fun and not have to worry about anything. Now he just wanted to leave. “I’m sorry.” He swallowed hard as he got up, heading to grab his discarded shirt. “I’ve gotta go.”

It was pretty abrupt. One second Miles was lost in the heat of the moment believing everything was fine, and the next Nick was wriggling away from him and telling him no. Miles was drunk, sure, but not enough to not recognize that no meant no and it was time to back off. He leaned back and watched Nick move away from him, explaining that he couldn’t do this. The sudden change was slightly dizzying as Miles worked to wrap his head around what had changed. “Hey,” he said quietly after a moment. He didn’t want to touch Nick and freak him out, but he needed him to know he was hearing him. “Nick, hey. It—it’s fine. We don’t have to do anything.” He followed Nick’s movements with his eyes, watching as he went to pick up his shirt off the floor. “Don’t…” He trailed off. He really didn’t want to overstep, but clearly, he already had in the worst way. “Don’t go. We…we can talk.”

Nick struggled to think clearly as he re-buttoned his pants and pulled on his shirt, but Nick didn’t even have to look at him to tell he was confused. He avoided looking at him completely and shook his head at his words. “I don’t want to talk.” If he’d wanted to talk, he wouldn’t be here in this room with him. “I’m gonna - go somewhere.” Maybe back to the party, maybe he’d take a few more shots so he couldn’t think at all. “Find somebody else.” There was a slight bite to his words. He didn’t mean that. It wasn’t Miles’ fault, and deep down he knew that, but everything was too much. He felt guilty and filthy and defeated all at the same time. “I’ll see you when I see you.”

Miles was taken aback. Part of him was confused, while the other part of him had a vague idea of what was going on based on what he knew — and he felt disgusted with himself, on top of being upset that Nick was speaking to him like he’d done this on purpose. “It’s not like I’m—” He stopped himself. It wasn’t Nick’s fault. He couldn’t help the way he was feeling. Miles couldn’t even begin to imagine the shame, the disgust. It didn’t even slightly compare to now Miles felt now and he had to recognize that. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to do anything. I’m sorry.”

He heard Miles begin to say something, and his heart stuttered in his chest at his tone. Nick closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get a handle of himself, but failed. “I know - I know you didn’t. I’m sorry.” He shouldn’t have lashed out, but he didn’t know what to do or say. He had wanted to do this with Miles. Miles wasn’t doing anything wrong. “I’m the problem, okay? So can we just not talk about it, and go back to the party, please? Or. I’m going to. You can do what you want. I just need to go back out there.”

Miles didn’t know what to say. He knew he couldn’t really help. He couldn’t take away what Nick had gone through. He just wished he had the answers. “You’re not the problem.” He knew what he meant, though. Miles just didn’t want him to see himself as a burden. “Can I, like, call you an Uber home or something?” He stood up from the bed and picked up his own shirt, pulling it over his head. “I want you to be safe.”

Nick didn’t know what to say to him. He just completely ruined the moment - and probably made things weird for Miles. But he couldn’t help it. He wished he could just go through with it and not think about anything. But apparently he wasn’t drunk enough for that yet. “No.” He swallowed again and shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m good. Be careful too, okay?” He hovered by the door, and he wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what to say. “I’ll see you later.” With that, he pulled the door open before softly shutting it behind him, deciding he was going to do his best to forget about what had just happened.

#CANON #new year new me #current verse

[nilesarchives]

Of Christmas Gifts and Hypocrites ― CANON. (current verse)

Nick comes over to wrap Christmas presents with Miles. The conversation slowly dissolves into something not so fun and they discuss their future plans (or lack thereof) regarding Greg and Jude.

Miles had spent the past few weeks recovering, but he was getting restless. As much as he enjoyed having an excuse not to do anything, he was surprised to find that that actually got boring really quickly. That was why he was so glad that Christmas was coming up soon since, in true Miles fashion, he’d procrastinated all of his gift wrapping. Now, he had plenty of time to work on it, and it would hopefully take up a good portion of his otherwise mind-numbing free time. And, of course, more than anything else, he appreciated Nick being there to help him. “There’s always too much,” Miles muttered from where he was kneeling on the floor, referring to the wrapping paper that somehow ended up with too much left over, every single time. “Now matter how I measure it out and cut off all the excess… It never works. How the hell do I fix this?”

The last few weeks had passed fairly normal, considering the craziness that seemed to follow both of them around lately. Miles had been healing, and Nick had been living life as usual. The only difference is that he found himself over at Miles’ apartment a lot more lately, but he was far from complaining. Nick knew they both liked the company. “It’s okay. That’s just how wrapping paper companies make the rolls, so they can make sure Christmas is extra stressful.” Nick set the small present he’d finished taping to the side, and slowly slid off the couch so he could sit on the ground next to him. “Do you have any stocking stuffer things? We could wrap those in all the scraps. It might not look amazing, though.” But it’s the thought that counts, right? “Or we could Pinterest how to make crafts with leftover paper like all the Mom’s do.”

Miles shook his head disapprovingly. “Well, it’s dumb. Everyone always knows which gifts are from me because they look…” He finished desperately folding one side of the paper and taping it down, looking at the mess in front of him. “Like this.” With a defeated sigh, Miles pushed the gift over to join the other few they had finished. “That one is just for Helen, anyway.” She felt bad for his terrible skills more than anything. And his mom was glad that he tried every year. “I don’t have any small gifts. It’s go big or go home for me.” He mulled over the Pinterest idea for a moment, then nodded. “Okay. If you can find a good one I’ll try it. I’m gonna work on my dad’s watch.” He leaned over to reach for it and attempt to wrap it. “Is all your wrapping done?”

“Come on, it’s not that bad. It’s…sweet.” He glanced at the present, and in truth Nick couldn’t really judge his present wrapping skills. Nick’s gifts always looked crazy, but that was mostly because he tended to overdo it with the ribbon. “It’s not like you’re having Christmas at the White House.” He cracked a small smile as he looked at the previously wrapped presents. He thought they looked good, but Nick wasn’t that particular. “Helen can deal.” It was nice that Miles had gotten her a gift at all, considering his distaste for his Step-Mom. “I think I saw something on Facebook. They made these really cool ornaments. If we can figure out how to do them we can attach them to the presents or something.” He pulled out his phone as Miles gave him the go ahead, hoping he could find the video so they could give it a try. “Okay.” He nodded as he browsed. “Kind of. I still have to wrap Murphy’s and Sage’s.” Which he probably should have done first, considering the fact that they were the most likely to stumble across their gifts. But he never claimed to be a genius. “Everyone else is done. I did gift bags for half of them, though. Hey — maybe that’s what you should do next year. Just so you don’t drown to death in all this paper.”

“You don’t have to make me feel better, but I appreciate you saying it anyway.” Miles picked up a handful of the scraps from the other gifts and started trying to fashion something to envelope his father’s gift. “Christmas at the White House would probably be less stressful. It’s gonna be a weird year.” It would certainly be different from last year. He nodded as Nick started scrolling through his phone, hoping they could actually do something worthwhile with the rest of the leftover paper. “You should get on that. They’re both smarter than the two of us combined.” Honestly, Miles wouldn’t be surprised if they had found his gifts for them. He did what he could with the watch, and sighed as he moved it over to join the others. “Gift bags are the easy way out. Plus, I only have a few more. My mom, my grandpa, and…” He trailed off as he scanned the few items he had left to wrap. Sitting a few feet away from him was a ‘World’s Best Stepdad’ mug he’d gotten for Greg as a gag gift even before Thanksgiving. It was clearly meant as a joke, but perhaps it was for the best now; Greg probably would have taken it to heart. Miles paused, then leaned over to pick it up and turn it over in his hands. “Are you interested in an ironic stepdad mug? I don’t have much use for it now.”

“Nah, if they looked too bad, I’d tell you.” Although that was probably a lie. If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all, and all that. “You’re spending it at your Mom’s right? Do you have family coming over?” He asked casually, though he was trying to be at least a little positive for him. “Honestly, yeah. We can’t let them know that we know, though. They’ll never let us live it down.” He mused as he scrolled down his Facebook, idly passing by all of the vague posts and food videos. Nick glanced up as Miles paused during his sentence, looking at him curiously as he reached out to grab what seemed to be a mug. Realization soon dawned on him. “I don’t know. Can you burn mugs? Maybe we could have a bonfire with it.” He reached his hand out, not knowing where he was going to set it, but figuring Miles didn’t want to continue to hold onto it. “Have you… heard anything yet?” He asked hesitantly, but truthfully it’d been bugging him. Miles’ hadn’t said anything about what happened with Greg. “About what’s going to happen with him. You already filed a report, right?”

“No you wouldn’t.” Miles himself didn’t have a problem being honest with Nick about things that sucked, but he also wanted to build him up and make him feel better when it did suck. “Yeah, my mom’s family comes. I’ll be at my dad’s for Christmas Eve.” It was what they’d been doing since the divorce, and Miles didn’t mind it at all, since he got to see everyone. He let Nick take the mug from him, and he was grateful for it. But as soon as Nick asked the question he’d been dreading, the one he knew he had to deal with sooner or later, Miles felt his shoulders fall. “No,” he muttered, idly messing with some of the wrapping paper on the floor. “I already told you that I don’t think I want to.”

Nick just smiled and shrugged slightly, neither confirming nor denying. Though he knew Miles was right. Maybe Nick was too easy on him sometimes, but he never wanted to intentionally hurt his feelings. “That could be fun… seeing everybody. Are you gonna get eggnog wasted and embarrass yourself like everyone does on Christmas?” He teased, before the conversation became more grim at the mention of Greg. Nick lowered his phone to his lap in order to take the mug, quickly forgetting about his previous mission. “Oh.” He said, surprised even if he really shouldn’t be. Miles did tell him that. “I know… but I thought that you might change your mind.” Nick knew he was opening a can of worms, but this was kind of serious. And Miles was clearly just trying to ignore it. “Why are you so against it?”

“It’s quite likely. That’s what Christmas is all about.” Miles could feel the shift in the mood as the conversation changed. He instantly deflated. He wished that they didn’t have to talk about this. To be entirely honest, though, he knew he had to at some point. “It’s just…” He paused, trying to find the right words. “It’s a lot. You do realize that, right? I’m gonna have to go to court, and…tell them everything.” It wasn’t like he had problems reliving it. It was just that it was over now, and he wanted to keep it that way. “I could ask you the same question, you know.”

“Just don’t get too wild and end up making out with one of your best friends again. We know how that turned out last time.” He joked, because there were some things they could joke about now. But then Nick’s focus was completely on Miles trying to explain why he didn’t just file a police report. After all Greg did…. after how bad he hurt him, it didn’t make sense to just let the man get away with it. “I know that. I know it’s a lot. But… don’t you think it’ll be a lot worse if he gets away with it?” He knew it would be hard for Miles. But Nick couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be what was best for him. And maybe it wasn’t his place, but he couldn’t stop himself from pushing it. It’s been weeks, after all. However, when the focus shifted to him, he tensed slightly. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“He’s not getting away with anything. He…he lost my mom, and everyone knows what he did.” Miles knew it wasn’t enough, and Greg deserved to be punished for what he had done. But the thought of everything going down just overwhelmed Miles. He wanted the same for Nick, though, so he understood why he was pushing it. Yet Nick wouldn’t do the same for himself. “I don’t recall you going to report Jude.” Any other time, he’d consider it a low blow. Miles didn’t even like saying the guy’s name to Nick’s face. But it was the truth.

“I mean in a legal sense.” He said, trying to go about it calmly so it didn’t sound like he was blindsiding him about it. But technically, Nick was. Talking about it was obviously hard for Miles, and normally Nick would respect that. But this time it was different. “What if he does it to someone else?” What if he came back for Miles? Nick kept that concern to himself, knowing better than to actually voice it to him. He was probably upsetting Miles enough as it was, but Nick couldn’t seem to stop himself from pushing still. “That is not the same thing.” He said sharply, feeling his eyes narrow as that was thrown back in his face. He set the coffee mug beside him as he straightened up. “You have the option to. I didn’t.”

“I know what you mean.” Miles understood, but he just didn’t like it. “He won’t do it to someone else. It was…a very specific situation.” Miles shuddered a bit, something he hadn’t really ever done when thinking about it. Maybe it was the fact that Nick was sitting right beside him while he remembered the reason Greg had hurt him. “Isn’t it?” He didn’t want to challenge him, to make it a big thing, but he was getting upset and so was Nick. “You did. But you chose not to. Like I am.” He paused. “What if Jude does it to someone else?”

“Specific how?” Nick was frustrated. He could see how much Miles was bothered by this, and he couldn’t help but feel like there was something Miles hadn’t told him. And it wasn’t like he had to tell him everything, but Nick was just worried. “What happened, Miles? You know you can tell me. I just want to understand.” He softened up some, turning his body to face him some more. But the talk of Jude effected him more than it should have, and he was quick to get defensive about it. “Shut up. That’s not fucking fair.” Nick swallowed, the words cutting him deep. “You have… no idea about me.” He shook his head angrily. “You have all the evidence in the world to do something about Greg. You have hospital records. You have people to vouch for you. And Greg… he’s not exactly good at hiding what he did, either. You have a case, Miles. I don’t have any of that.” Nick thought he had a pretty good understanding of how the system worked. His foster Mom, being an attorney, had always tried to drum it into him and his siblings the importance of knowing the law. Of knowing how it worked. So he knew enough to know that he missed his chance when he had it. He had gotten rid of any evidence the night it happened because he had been scared. He didn’t have any extreme physical wounds, save for a few small bruises. He had no hospital records. No one even saw him with Jude, so he had no witnesses. Nick didn’t have anything. But Miles did. And the fact that he wasn’t doing anything about it was driving him crazy. “You have a chance to do something about your monster, Miles. But I can’t do shit about mine.”

“Specific as in he was directly targeting me.” Miles knew he should explain it, but he didn’t know if it was the right time. It would never be the right time, truly, but still. “There’s a reason he got so mad. I was provoking him. I was dangling it over his head.” He stopped. He really didn’t know how to say it. He didn’t want to have to look Nick in the eye and tell him, but he had no choice. “He’s homophobic,” he settled on finally. The details weren’t immediately necessary. Miles was completely taken aback with the way Nick spoke to him, but it wasn’t unwarranted. Miles pushed him to this point. “Nick,” he started. He wasn’t even sure what he could say. “You… I’m sorry.” Nick was right. And it wasn’t fair to him at all. “I shouldn’t have said that. But I want the same thing for you that you’re trying to get for me. I want him to suffer worse than he’s made you. I wish I could do that, Nick. I wish I could get rid of him for you.”

Nick was trying to follow along. Of course, he understood that it was hard to go and testify against someone that you just wanted to forget about. He understood why Miles was so against it. But he didn’t understand why he didn’t want closure for himself. Miles had always been braver than he was; he’d always been the one to speak up. And the idea that Greg had fucked him up bad enough to not say anything made him sick to his stomach. “That still didn’t give him the right to hurt you. Whatever it was you were… provoking him with. He’s fucked up for hurting you for it.” He said quietly. Miles’ next words floored him, and it made his heart twist painfully in his chest. Greg was homophobic. Of course he was. And Miles was the one to get punished for that. He’d always known there was people like that in the world; that fear was present more often than not. But he never really expected it to really happen to anyone he cared about. He never expected it to happen to Miles. “Miles…” Nick’s frustration began to die down. He wasn’t mad at Miles; he was mad at this whole situation. He began to shake his head as Miles spoke. “I know why you said it. I know that you care.” He knew that Miles would help if he could. “But I care, too. I don’t like knowing that Greg is out there just… walking around like everything’s normal. I know you don’t want to have to have to relive it again, and I don’t want to force you if you really don’t want to.” He could hear his voice begin to waver. “But I don’t want you to regret it like I do. I just want you to feel safe. Are you going to be able to with Greg still out there?”

Miles sucked in a deep breath. “He’s always made weird comments and stuff so I sort of knew. But he tried to corner me because he kinda figured it out on his own and wanted to hear me say it, I guess. So I gave him what he wanted. I told him everything. All the things you and I did. And I…when I told him we had sex in his car, he snapped. That was that.” Miles shrugged as if it were no big deal. That was exactly what had happened, after all. Miles shook his head at that, willing himself not to get too worked up again. “But if you regret it, then you can do something about it.” He angled his body to face him completely. “If I’m going to report Greg, then I want you to promise you’ll consider reporting Jude.” He couldn’t make him swear that he would it, because at the end of the day it was still Nick’s decision. “I want them both far away from the people I love. Let me help you the same way you want to help me.”

“You told him everything?” He couldn’t think of anything else to say besides that, at that moment. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that this had literally been a hate crime. Suddenly it made sense to Nick why Greg had looked at him the way he did when he’d gone to get Scout. Greg knew about him, too. And that normally would have bothered him, but it made him feel guilty. In a roundabout way, he’d been part of the reason the attack happened. He knew Greg was unstable and that realistically he could have lost it for any reason, but the fact that it was because of what they’d been doing made it worse. “I’m… so fucking sorry. I��m sorry people are like that.” He’d been afraid of it for so long. Now that it actually happened, it was worse than he’d expected. His heart felt like it was breaking. He never wanted Miles to get hurt. “I’m sorry he did that to you.” He met Miles’ eyes as the other man turned to face him. “I don’t know… I don’t know if I can promise anything, Miles.” He said honestly. “I’ll think about it. Okay? But I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I know that probably makes me a hypocrite, but I…” He shook his head. “I’ll think about it.” He reached out to grasp Miles’ hand in his own, feeling the need to touch him. “I don’t want either of them around anyone I love, either. If we can’t get rid of both of them… can’t we at least try to get rid of one?”

Miles shook his head. “Don’t apologize. Not your fault he decided he didn’t like it, and that I pushed it.” He wasn’t trying to imply that it was his own fault, because Greg was crazy either way, but Miles knew his provocation had something to do with it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, grappling with the fact that he really was going to have to go through the entire process of getting Greg in trouble for what he’d done. Miles let Nick take his hand and opened his eyes again. “You can promise. You can promise that you’ll consider it. I’m not asking you to promise you’ll do it but you can do at least that. I don’t want to do anything about Greg if you won’t even consider trying to make things better for yourself too.”

“I just…I’m sorry it happened.” He couldn’t quite explain how he felt, but his heart was breaking for him because it wasn’t fair to Miles, regardless of what he had said to Greg. “This is what I’ve been worried about this whole time. And it happened to you of all people. It’s just… not fucking fair.” He felt defeated, and he was sure he sounded it. “If I promise and end up deciding not to, you’re going to be pissed.” Nick shook his head. “I want to promise to think about it, but you have to promise that you won’t hate me if it doesn’t turn out how you hope.” He had to stop for a second, glancing down at their hands. “You should make things better for yourself regardless of what I do.”

“Stop being sorry.” The only person who needed to be sorry was Greg. But Miles understood exactly how Nick felt. He himself felt the same when someone had hurt Nick. He couldn’t help but be sorry that it had happened. “Stop — don’t assume how I’m going to feel.” He shouldn’t have been bothered by that; he knew what Nick meant. Still, Miles found himself leaning back a bit. “How I hope?” he clarified, even knowing that that was exactly what Nick had just said. “What I hope is that you get some peace of mind. The same exact thing you want for me. But you want me to go through all of the bullshit without even attempting to do it for yourself?”

Nick couldn’t help being sorry, but he somehow managed to keep his mouth shut. Hearing the edge in Miles’ tone almost made him wince, because he knew the conversation was getting heated again. “I’m not assuming anything, Miles. Even talking about me not doing it right now is pissing you off. Am I wrong?” He held his gaze, feeling himself start to get frustrated again too. “You only want me to do something about it because you think it’s unfair that I’m pushing you to do something about it. But this isn’t about me. And if I wanted to talk about me, we would have talked about me when… when it happened.” He shook his head, getting himself worked up. “I told you I’d think about it. But it’s real fucking shitty if you’re basing you doing something off whether or not I do something. That’s not right.”

Miles knew he was probably getting more angry than he typically would have because their emotions were heightened in general. Neither situation was easy to talk about and the fact that they were both being brought to light all over again caused them both to be particularly on edge. “No, what’s fucking shitty is just calling it quits and telling me I can’t. I heard what you were saying and I felt bad for telling you that you should say something when you don’t have the hard evidence I do, but now…that doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me.” He didn’t care that he was backpedaling. He hadn’t wanted to stress Nick out about it before, but now he was stressed about Greg, and that fear went out the window. “You’d still be telling me to report Greg even if I never went to the hospital and there wasn’t a single witness in the world. Because you want me to feel safe.” Miles shook his head. “You’re such a hypocrite.”

“I’m not trying to force you to. Do I want you to? Yeah, fucking obviously.” Frustration was quickly taking over any rational thought. Nick wasn’t mad per se, but this was a hard conversation to have. It was overwhelming, and he couldn’t stop certain things from spilling out. “I don’t have hard evidence. What you want me to do is just go and make an idiot out of myself and seem like a pussy for doing it. You want me to go and lose what little fucking pride I have left. Because they’re going to tell me they’ll see what they can do, then not get back to me for another year, only to tell me there wasn’t enough substantial evidence and that they’re dropping the case. So excuse me if I don’t want to fucking go through that, Miles.” He practically spat the words out. “Of course I want you to feel safe. Maybe I am a hypocrite, but I don’t think it’s wrong that I want you to get help even if I can’t do the same.”

“You’re right. That’s exactly what I want. I’m telling you to do it because I want things to blow up in your face.” Miles was too frustrated to realize how childish he sounded. Or it was just that he didn’t care. “I mean, really, Nick. I don’t get off on seeing you miserable.” It was quite the opposite, in fact. “What the fuck are you— And you think I want to go through it? For god’s sake, Nick, stop acting like it’s going to be the simplest thing in the world.” He was careful not to yell, because there was no reason for that, but he couldn’t help the almost urgent tone in his voice now. “I don’t need help. But quit saying you can’t do the same. You can. You’re choosing not to.”

“That’s not… what I meant. God. You’re so frustrating.” Nick scowled as he pushed a scrap of wrapping paper away from his leg just to have something to do with his hands. This whole conversation was keying him up. “I know it’s not the easiest thing in the world. Believe me. But you weren’t even remotely considering it. I’ve thought about it before.” He’d thought about it a lot, and no scenario in his head ever turned out well. “If you don’t want to do it, fine — I’ll pretend not to care again if that’ll make things easier.” That part was unnecessary, but he couldn’t tone his words down. “I’m not going to force you. So don’t try to force me. If I choose not to that’s not any of your business.”

“Right, I’m the frustrating one.” He was aware of the fact that he wasn’t entirely innocent, but still. They both were to blame here. “I thought about it too. I didn’t just toss out the idea completely. I decided I didn’t want to when I realized I’d have to see him again, and get up in front of a whole courtroom to describe how I dangled the details of my relationship in front of his face knowing it would bother him. And what he did to me. He slammed my head against that wall next to my bed I don’t even know how many times. He had me pinned to the floor just fucking wailing on me. And I couldn’t do anything. The thought of saying all of that and more to bunch of people I don’t know isn’t the most appealing fucking thing in the world.” Miles gritted his teeth, watching Nick and deciding how he should respond. Ultimately, though, he didn’t stop to process the words before they came out. “It became my business when I told you I loved you. Because I want nothing more than for you to be happy, and this is a part of that.” He paused. “You need help more than I do. Last I checked I’m not the one who can’t go into my own bedroom.”

Miles going further into detail about what had happened made him feel nauseous; it made him angry for him. He tried to hide his wince, but he couldn’t hide that the words got to him. “I know it’s hard, Miles. I know the last thing you want to do is to relive it. I’m sorry —” He broke off briefly, knowing it wasn’t his fault and knowing he shouldn’t apologize, but he wasn’t what else he could say to comfort him. “I know I pushed it, but I care, okay? i care about what happens to you and I care that Greg’s out there just living his life like normal. It drives me crazy.” He admitted, the moment of vulnerability slipping out just briefly. He was still overwhelm with frustration and annoyance and hatred for the people who were causing them to have this conversation in the first place. Nick’s blood ran cold at Miles’ last words, and his head snapped up so he could look at him. At first he was in shock, but it soon gave way to anger. “Fuck you.” He said quietly. “Fuck you, Miles. I knew I shouldn’t have asked you over that night. I shouldn’t have even told you anything.”

Miles shouldn’t have said it, and he knew it immediately afterward. Maybe it was true, but that didn’t mean it was necessary for him to point it out like that. It wasn’t Nick’s fault. Nick’s words stung, and maybe he deserved them. Miles swallowed, the deafening silence surrounding them for a few moments before he finally spoke again. “I just want you to be okay,” he said, his voice much lower but still on edge. “And…I’m sorry, but you’re not okay when it’s still holding you back that badly. It’s true, okay? He…” Miles trailed off, shaking his head. Truthfully, he wasn’t even positive what exactly Jude had done to him. Not that it mattered, and he didn’t want to know more than he already did. “Now you can’t set foot in your own room without remembering. And you can be pissed at me, too, but fuck if I’m not going to do everything I can to try to get you to find some peace for yourself too.” He looked away. His stomach churned as he pictured Jude in his mind, and he could only imagine how Nick felt. “Jude’s still out there living that same life. It pisses me off just as much. That’s what you need to understand.”

Miles’ words hit him hard, because it’s not like he was wrong. He was painfully right, and Nick hated that fact.  “I know.” He replied just as quietly, his shoulders slacking as some of the anger dissipated. It wasn’t really Miles he was mad at. Was he hurt by him saying it? Yeah. But he wasn’t wrong, and that was the worst part. “But you think I don’t know that? I’m well aware of what I’m not able to do. I don’t need you pointing it out to me.” His words weren’t angry anymore, but suddenly he felt tired. “I know you want to help me. But I can deal with it my own way. Let me deal with it.”  His words were almost a plead. “I know that you care. And I appreciate it. But I don’t think it’ll help me like it could help you. That’s what I want you to understand.” He continued on softly. “I promise… that I’ll think about it again. But that’s all I can commit to right now.”

“I know that. I just wanted to prove a point.” He knew it wasn’t the right way to do that after the fact. “I was out of line.” Miles wanted to shut up then, to do what Nick asked of him and let him deal with it. But not only did he still want to be there for him, Miles also remembered that first time Nick had admitted to not being able to go into his room, when Miles went for him and found the drugs in his pocket. It was like a switch, the memory suddenly coming to him and causing Miles to look at Nick again. “Does your way involve those pills?” He wasn’t Nick’s parent and he had no control over what he was going to do, but he was going to make it clear that he didn’t like that shit nonetheless. “That’s all I asked you to do in the first place. Thanks.”

“Yeah.” Nick tried not to sound bitter. After all, they’d both just said a lot of things that they’d probably end up regretting. They’ve both been out of line this entire conversation. “Why are you suddenly so interested in the way I’m living my life?” He shot back, his defenses flaring back up once again. “Why would it matter even if it was my way? It’s my way. Not yours, Miles.” He wasn’t going to outright answer, because he told himself it wasn’t his business. It wasn’t anybody’s business. “Yeah — and what about Greg? Are you going to report him?”

Miles could have approached the topic differently, and perhaps should have, but it wasn’t like Nick was ever going to want to talk to him about it anyway. So he might as well bring it up as it popped into his head. “Since I learned that you’re doing drugs,” he replied calmly. Not that he hadn’t always been interested in whatever Nick was doing, but this was certainly more of an incentive to care. “Because you’re a part of my life and it’s not just about you. That’s…some fucked up shit, man. Do you even know what you’re doing?” It was a valid question, though it didn’t quite seem it at the moment. “I guess so. Just…really not looking forward to it.”

“Why are you bringing this all up? What do you want me to say to you?” Nick hated being called out, especially about things he never wanted anyone in his everyday life to know about. This was a living nightmare. “I always know what I’m doing.” He snapped, though he still kept his voice quiet. That was a bold faced lie, and they both knew it. “If something works for me, I don’t need someone judging me for it. I’m an adult. I don’t need to be parented.” This was the last thing in the world he ever wanted to talk about. “If you do it… I’ll be there for you, you know. I’m not going to just let you do it on your own.”

#CANON #of christmas gifts and hypocrites #current verse

[nilesarchives]

Twinky Boyband Wolverine (Text Thread) ― CANON. (current verse)

This is honestly just stupid texts. We wanted them to go back to being not-angsty for once.

MILES: Hey MILES: I haven’t shaved in a long time because injured people don’t shave and I wanted to share MILES: [PICTURE MESSAGE] MILES: tell me I’m pretty

NICK: sexy. you're like a twinky boyband version of wolverine NICK: i think i'm into it NICK: are you gonna let it grow for christmas??

MILES: I’m gonna go ahead and take that as a compliment MILES: Just for you ;* MILES: Honestly though idk. Maybe. My mom hates it so maybe it’s time to rebel

NICK: I mean we could go with a daddy or a bear if you'd prefer that instead NICK: i'm so honored NICK: dude if you grow it out you could be santa claus. or some really weird skinny dude trying to be santa claus. either one. NICK: joking aside, it looks nice. but if you ever want it gone you could always ask for help

MILES: Cute, didn’t know you had a daddy thing MILES: yeah idk about that. I’d probably get put on trial like Richard Attenborough in that one Christmas movie MILES: thanks. I’m glad laziness pays off MILES: No offense dude but I’m not sure if I entirely trust you with a razor near my face

NICK: Eh, maybe I just have a Miles thing NICK: That sounds like a really interesting lifetime movie NICK: I meant your Mom, stupid, i don't even trust me with a razor near my face NICK: I could always Nair it off for you though, then there wouldn't be any trust issues

MILES: shit that was sweet you dick MILES: Like me on trial or Richard Attenborough? Cuz the Richard Attenborough thing is a real movie. As for me I don’t want to be seen in a courtroom ever so no thanks MILES: Oh. Well silly me for thinking you were offering something nice. MILES: No thanks x2

NICK: My bad, it won't happen again NICK: Both, I guess. Never seen it, guess I'm gonna have to put it on my Christmas movie list to get into the spirit. You'll be fine. Just don't be illegal. Besides... Court's not that bad. It looks scarier in movies than it actually is. NICK: Maybe I'd be nicer if you had more faith in me <3 NICK: Damn, now I'm going to have to think of a new Christmas gift for you since that's out

MILES: Just caught me off guard MILES: I’ll watch anything with Richard Attenborough (may he Rest In Peace) so I’m shocked you haven’t. And still no thanks. Too much stress MILES: go ahead and try to tell me you wouldn’t make it a game somehow and end up shaving off my eyebrow MILES: Should I return the razor I got you then?

NICK: Maybe I have, but every time I see him in something I just keep thinking dinosaurs are going to show up, so I end up confusing everything with Jurassic Park. Fair enough. NICK: Nah. I'd just use the shaving cream to give you a uni-brow. No razors above the nose. NICK: I dunno, what color is it?

MILES: to be fair the last time I watched Miracle on 34th St every single time he popped up I said “spare no expense” in my head so I don’t really blame you. He’s John Hammond forever. MILES: I’m about 87% sure there is a photo of you floating around somewhere in the universe with that shaving cream unibrow and I’m even more sure that I took it MILES: hot pink

NICK: ...do you think there's a SyFy movie out there about Santa Claus accidentally flying his sleigh to the past and crashing it in the prehistoric era? Because if there isn't we should probably get on that. We can't cast Richard Attenbourough, though. Sadly. NICK: That's a possibility. There's probably a full on beard too. So in the spirit of Christmas, we need to recreate it with you. We'll mess with the lighting too so it's artsy. NICK: Then don't you dare return it

MILES: I don’t think there is but you, sir, might have just made yourself a millionaire MILES: what if I don’t consent to this? I don’t want a shaving cream unibrow MILES: How disappointed are you to find out that the razor doesn’t actually exist

NICK: Move over Sharknado. Santasauraus Rex is coming to town. NICK: The title is a work in progress. NICK: Come on, it'd be hot. I could draw designs around them too. And I promise they wouldn't even be dicks. NICK: Hurtful, it's like finding out Santa Claus isn't real all over again

MILES: Don't you ever disrespect Sharknado like that again MILES: I don’t believe you even a little bit MILES: :( spoilers

NICK: Sharknado disrespected me first by making a sequel. It was good enough as it was. NICK: I guess I'll take my shaving cream drawing abilities elsewhere, to where they're wanted. NICK: Shit, sorry dude. If you want you can knock out some of my teeth so the tooth fairy can come talk shit with you about me.

MILES: You are a negative Nicholas MILES: If you think I’m going to believe that you won’t draw a dick across my forehead then perhaps you should go elsewhere because only someone who doesn’t know you at all would trust that MILES: I think I’ll let it slide just this once MILES: But hey listen I’m gonna go to bed. You're overworking my poor brain by telling me Santa isn’t real when I know he is so that’s fucked. MILES: Plus there’s a cute blonde waiting for me in my bed ;)

#CANON #twinky boyband wolverine #current verse #texts

[nilesarchives]

Secrets, Secrets ― CANON. (current verse)

Miles is back in his own apartment. When Nick comes over for another attempt to get through Stranger Things season 2, their best kept secrets are shared.

Miles realized that, in hindsight, it probably would have been smarter to stay at his mom’s house for just a little bit longer — if not for himself, then for her. They were both having a hard time. But he hated being so dependent on her and stressing her out. Plus, he needed to get back on track at some point; it might as well have been sooner rather than later. So he was back in his own apartment with Scout, promising Beth that she’d be informed if he needed absolutely anything. And then there was Nick, who was also worried but never pushed him, which he appreciated more than words could say. Miles liked being with him, though, of course, so he wasn’t alone too often. He liked to have Nick there, sometimes to keep Scout company while he napped (which was still often) or just to hang out with him. He was pretty sure Nick liked it, too. He still had his own stuff going on that Miles wanted to be there for him through. So it was a nice thing they had going on, especially considering their whole take-it-slow thing. As far as Miles was concerned, that just meant they weren’t seeing other people, and when they were together there was no hesitation with anything. And that was just fine with him. Now Nick was here because they were finally going to get through the second season of Stranger Things. They had plenty of time with Miles out of work during the day, and Nick mostly worked nights. “I swear season three is gonna come out before we finish this one,” Miles commented as he entered the living room where Nick was, cupping the mug of hot chocolate he’d just made in his hands. “Also, there’s totally hot chocolate in the cabinet that I didn’t think to offer you because I’m a terrible host.” He shrugged at his own words, sitting down and putting the hot mug down on a coaster on the table in front of him. “Let’s go ahead and say it just slipped my mind. You can’t get mad at me because I have a concussion.”

Nick: Things had been surprisingly normal once Miles got home from staying at his Mom’s house. As normal as they could be, anyway. Nick had been hanging out with him a lot lately, and it was almost like how things used to be. There was no weirdness or weird passive aggressive comments toward each other. Miles was doing well, and so they’d just been hanging out. It was a little different now, but it was good. He wanted to be there for Miles in case he needed him, but being around him also helped to keep his mind from racing. It was a win win. Nick grinned when he came out to join him, and shrugged. “You say that like it’s a bad thing. Just more to binge.” He wouldn’t mind watching ten straight seasons of Stranger Things. Provided he didn’t have a life, anyway, which he unfortunately did. “I’m not offended.” His eyes followed as Miles set his down on the table. “I’ll just drink some of yours when you’re not paying attention.” He teased. “Saves me a trip.” He wasn’t really kidding about that.

Miles shrugged. He had a point there. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But we can hardly find time for this one, so I don’t know how well that would work. Unless we both quit our jobs.” It wasn’t like his job paid incredibly well anyway. But he still needed it so he wouldn’t starve. More so Scout didn’t starve, though. “Ew. I don’t want your cooties,” he teased right back, grimacing in mock disgust at his words. Though in reality he wouldn’t notice, or even care if he did. “Luckily for you, I don’t think what I have is contagious, though.” He loves hanging out with Nick. It was easy, just like it had been before everything went to shit. He was just glad things could be okay again, albeit in a slightly different way. He pressed play on the episode, finally ready to sit through it and finish off the season to be on the same level as the rest of the world. “Whenever I watch this show, I think about how much better off these kids are than me. Like, we were pretty awful when we were twelve, you know? Even if we could dance.” He shrugged. “These kids already have it made, though. My future career plans are not quite as exciting.”

Nick laughed at that. “I wish we could get paid for watching Stranger Things. I know I’d quit my job so fast.” He mused our loud as he leaned back into the cushions of the couch. Nick used to like his job okay. It had his flaws, but he had friends there and he was good with the clients. Lately, though, it had been more and more difficult to get through his shifts. So the idea of being able to bum around all day and still have money in the bank? He was in. “You’ve never complained about my cooties before. Maybe from now on we should just keep our distance so you don’t get infected.” He was only joking, of course, something enhanced by the wagging of his eyebrows. He turned his head to the commotion on screen. “Yeah, I know.” He paused. “At least we had dance though… and I had dreams. I wanted to be an alien hunter, so these kids are pretty much getting to live my dream.” He was serious. “What are your future plans? You know it’s not too late to go to acting school and join them.”

Miles nodded. “I mean, technically there are jobs that are sort of like that. Like…video game testers and stuff. Is that a real thing? It’s gotta be, right?” If not, maybe he should make it a thing. He was all for playing video games all day. “You’re still at the bar or whatever? How’s that going?” He was genuinely curious. Nick didn’t really talk about work much. Granted, Miles didn’t either, but tutoring wasn’t very exciting. “Fine, but don’t come crawling back to me when Murphy won’t watch Cupcake Wars with you.” It somehow always went back to Cupcake Wars. “I want to teach. English, probably.” It was the one thing he could really stick with. “You know, you could still be an alien hunter. You just gotta learn some astrophysics or some shit to go into space.”

Nick: “I think so. After we’re done with Stranger Things remind me to check Craigslist for job listings.” That’s how he found his last job, after all. “Yeah, I am.” It was always awkward for him when Miles asked about his job, because it wasn’t really something he was purposely trying to hide. He just didn’t know how to tell him at this point, and now that they were doing… whatever it is they were doing, he wasn’t quite sure how he’d take it. “It’s been going alright. I asked them to reduce my hours for the next couple of weeks so I could take a break.” He shrugged. “Less money, but it’s nice not having to work every night.” He shrugged. “How’s your thing going?” He asked curiously. “Not my fault Murphy thinks he’s cooler than me. He’s wrong, but he still thinks that. Maybe I’ll just put out an ad for other Cupcake Wars fans.” He wouldn’t. By this point, it was practically their thing. “Really? Not dance?” He asked, even if being a dance teacher kind of sucked because you’d have to deal with all those competitive kids. “That’d be cool though. I could see you doing that.” And he could. Nick thought he’d be a good teacher. If he was this patient with him, he’d be good with a room full of kids. “Yeah, maybe.” He grinned. “Or I could just start my own YouTube channel where I amature-ly hunt for them. That way I don’t have to go to school.”

Miles raised an eyebrow. “That’s not too trustworthy. But hey. You do you.” He wouldn’t judge his choices. He nodded as Nick talked about his job. “What do you do there? Are you secretly a bartender and you’ve just never told me you have that skill?” He was teasing, but he totally would give him shit for not making him good drinks all the time. “Eh. Maybe dance, but not as like my day job, you know? That seems like more of a side gig for me. It’d be fun, though. You could teach dance too, you know.” He laughed at that, nodding firmly. “I’d subscribe. Let me know when that becomes a thing. You can even have my pretty face as a guest star. I need to be compensated, though.”

Nick: “It’s safe, all the serial killers on Craigslist are already caught.” He smiled at his own joke. “Um, no. Not exactly, but I’ve helped out at bar before.” He fathered his thoughts. “I’m an… entertainer, I guess. I keep the customers happy and talk to them so they are more likely to drink more and tip bigger.” He said honestly, because that was the honest to Gods truth. “It’d be a good side job for sure. I guess I could do it. We could go into business together if we wanted to. But I don’t want to get competitive and hate you again like when we were kids. That’d be kind of sad.” Nick laughed. “Will do, you can be the guest star soundtrack. As long as your pretty face gets me subscribers — you’re in. What do you want? ‘Cause all I can pay you is hilarious jokes and probably Oreos.”

Miles: “Your logic is flawed, but I’ll let you find out for yourself. You’re never gonna learn if you’re not taught a lesson.” Nick’s description of his job had Miles quirking eyebrow, and he turned his attention away from the screen to focus on his friend. “An entertainer? What, are you a stripper or something?” he asked jokingly, the laugh evident in his voice. “Well, that was serious business. High school musicals are no joke.” It was true. “Hm. I think I’ll decide on a regular basis. You know, whatever I’m feeling that day in return for my appearance. Because it’s going to be a big deal. Everyone’s going to count down until your Miles Mondays.”

Nick: “Well I’m not dead yet.” But he’s come close to it a few times, so perhaps Miles had a point. He was hoping Miles wouldn’t question him any more about his job, but as he literally hit the nail on the head, Nick realized he should have been more vague. He wanted to deny it just because he was used to denying a lot of things, but he told himself to stop overthinking it. To be honest because he said he would. He didn’t answer for a beat, before nodding slowly. “Yes.” He risked a glance over at him in an attempt to gauge his reaction, and he could only hope that it wasn’t bad. But if Miles wanted to, like, keep hanging out with him like this — he needed to know so he could decide for himself if this was a dealbreaker or not. It would be for a lot of people. “I guess that seems reasonable. Just let me know an hour beforehand so I can scrounge together the payment. Miles Monday’s? That’s cute, but about that… I think we need to change your name for the channel. I’m sorry but Miles just isn’t edgy enough for an alien hunter sidekick.”

Miles: “Let’s keep it that way, yeah?” It was a genuine request, despite the joking subject matter. He noticed Nick’s pause and then his confirmation of Miles’ guess. Immediately, Miles assumed he was kidding, because it was Nick. Why wouldn’t he joke about something like that? But he didn’t laugh, just looked at him, and that was when it dawned on him. “Oh.” That was why Nick never talked about work or was vague about it. He was…a stripper. And Miles was going to be the last person on earth to judge him, of course, but he certainly didn’t expect it. “Sorry. That was rude.” More than anything, he was glad Nick was honest with him. That meant more than anything else. “You…you really like, take your clothes off? And dance for people?” He hoped he wasn’t offending him. He was just caught off guard, mostly. At the comment about his name, Miles laughed rather loudly. The irony in that statement got to him. If only Nick knew that the reason he went by Miles was because his actual first name was even dorkier. Then it hit him, the realization that Nick had told him something he obviously didn’t bring up to just anybody, and the thought alone made his heart swell. Enough that the smile slipped off his face, and he wondered if now was the right time to share his secret that no one else knew. “It’s…funny you bring that up,” he said quietly. “And in the name of being open and honest, I have to tell you that—that I haven’t been entirely honest with you about something.”

Nick: “I’ll try my best.” He replied, and it was a joke but he also didn’t want to die. “Yeah…” He said in return, because he wasn’t sure what else to say at that. Was that a bad oh? Nick couldn’t be sure. Miles was clearly shocked, that much was evident. But when he apologized, Nick relaxed some. He didn’t look disgusted, and that was more than he could ask for. He risked a joke. “No… I dance for compliments. The money is just a bonus.” He smiled slightly before answering for real. “But yeah. Sometimes I get the occasional person who’s lonely and just wants to talk to me. But for the most part, it’s the other stuff.” If Miles had questions, he’d suck it up and answer them. He knew it was a tough thing for people to wrap their minds around. That’s why he didn’t bother telling them at all. At Miles’ admission, he raised an eyebrow and angled his body more to face him. “Yeah? Who did you kill?” He asked teasingly. “Or are you just married?”

Miles could tell Nick was feeling hesitant, understandably so. Opening up to people about that sort of stuff was hard, when it was something most people would certainly judge for. “Well, compliments are good, too.” He grinned. “Hey, a job’s a job. And you must be good at it, right?” A strange compliment, perhaps. “But thanks for telling me. I think it’s cool you can stick with something you’re good at.” He paused. “Do you go by a different name there?” He certainly wasn’t going to be able to judge for that specifically. There was his own thing now, and Miles didn’t know why he was so nervous. It wasn’t as serious as those things Nick was jokingly suggesting. But to him, it was a big deal. “No one knows,” he started, shaking his head slightly. He looked Nick in the eye. “I mean, other than my parents. I’m pretty sure even other people in my family have forgotten by now. Not even…Greg or Helen or anybody.” He paused and took a breath. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if he hadn’t been hiding it his entire life. But it was the time to be honest. “My name isn’t Miles.” He shrugged. “I mean, it is but it—it’s my middle name.” It felt so weird saying it out loud to someone. “They just called me Miles when I was really little so I wouldn’t get confused with my dad.” He bit down on the inside of his cheek.

Nick felt relief sink in the moment Miles spoke again. He wasn’t reacting negatively like he thought he would. He was being nice… and strangely supportive. And Nick didn’t know why he thought he’d be anything other than that. He hasn’t judged him for that before, or anything really. That’s why he was his best friend, wasn’t it? He laughed loudly at that comment and shrugged again. “I don’t know if I’m good, but I guess if I were bad they would have gotten rid of me by now.” His amusement slowly wore off. Not because he was worried or scared, but he was embarrassed. “Um, yeah. I don’t know if you want to hear it though. It’s kind of embarrassing.” That was a given. He stopped talking and listened as Miles told him no one else knew his secret. And it kind of worried him; it was obviously a big deal to him. He tried to follow along as he explained, and he didn’t entirely understand at first. “Okay.  So you’re not Miles.” He repeated, a smile finding its way back on his face as he began to understand, though it wasn’t mean spirited by any means. “Okay, so you’re named after your Dad…” His grin grew without him being able to control it. “His first name or middle name?”

Miles nodded. “Right. So you’ve gotta be good. Does this mean you’ll strip for me if I throw ones at you? Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna critique you.” Now he was sort of just being an asshole, but oh well. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me. But I’m totally going to find out eventually.” He could promise that. Talking about his name was a whole other story, though, and the genuine downright happiness on Nick’s face made him blush. He could feel his neck and his ears and cheeks get warm as they obviously flushed red. “His middle name is Miles. He’s a junior.” He sighed. “My grandpa is George Miles Sterling, Sr. My dad is George Miles Sterling, Jr.” Miles paused, meeting Nick’s eyes. “Say hello to the third. George Miles Sterling…the third.”

Nick: “I didn’t know you were an expert in the art of stripping. Are you sure you’re qualified?” He knew Miles was teasing him now, but he wasn’t offended. Just mildly embarrassed. “But it depends on how many ones you’ve got.” Nick raised an eyebrow at him. “Good luck because it’s a secret to everyone.” He was only kidding, and he almost told him, but then the secret about Miles’ own name came out and distracted him instantly. He could see Miles blush and knew he was embarrassed, but Nick couldn’t keep the dumb grin off his face. “I…love that.” He was being 100% honest. “Why do you hate it so much? It’s sweet, it’s a family name. George Miles Sterling. Huh.” He paused, still mulling it over. “—-Can I call you George now?”

Miles: “I mastered the art when I got that sponge bath in the hospital. Did I forget to mention that I gave her a lap dance afterward?” So clearly Miles was very qualified. “I have quite a few. So that’s a yes, got it.” Miles groaned, burying his head in his hands, despite the fact that Nick was telling him how much he loved the name. Of course he liked that it was a family name, but he was Miles now. Not George. “It’s just so lame,” he muttered, finally lifting his head again. “Plus, it’s been so long. My whole life I’ve been Miles. George is just like…my lame middle name. Except it’s my first name. I think I was very briefly called George, but it was just too confusing for everybody.” At that, Miles glared at him. But it didn’t last very long. “You can call me George if you tell me the name you use.”

Nick: “You did fail to mention that. Maybe when you’re all healed up I could talk to my manager about giving you a try. I’ll need a replacement when I find a job as a video game tester.” He rolled his eyes at him playfully. He knew Miles would joke about this forever now. But somehow he still didn’t regret telling him. “I don’t think it’s lame at all. I like it.” He didn’t know why, but he did. Miles suited him, sure. But in an odd way so did George. “I guess I can see why you’d be used to Miles though.” It’s not the same thing, but he hated when people called him Nicholas. So he guessed it was kind of similar. After a small beat, he answered him. “Dalton Oliver.” He would have told him anyway. Nick leaned forward and without overthinking it, he pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth that landed half on his cheek. But he hadn’t been aiming anywhere in particular. “So George it is.”

Miles: “Sounds good. It’s better that we don’t work together, anyway. You know, because I’m obviously better at the whole stripping thing. So I don’t want any animosity between us.” He had certainly missed joking like this, that was for sure. “Well, I think it’s lame.” Not that Miles wasn’t, but it was better. When he finally told him the name, Miles grinned. “Okay. Now that is a name.” He wasn’t sure where it came from, but the idea of Nick using an entirely different alias at his job amused him. He was still grinning when Nick kissed him, and that alone had Miles laughing lightly, his emotions suddenly very much heightened. “I might let it slide, but I can’t promise I won’t throw in a Nicky every once in a while in retaliation.”

Nick: “Yeah, good thing. I’d hate to have to live up to your skills. You know, you’re going to have to come up with a name for yourself so your crazy fans won’t be able to stalk you.” It had been too long since they’d been able to joke and just hang out without being low key mad at each other. It was so nice, and Nick couldn’t be more happy about it. “I know you think it is. But think of it this way, you could totally start a solo George Michael cover artist career under your real name. And everyone would just think you’re trying to be clever. No one would know.” He was still teasing, and he gently slapped his arm to show him as much. “It’s a name.” He nodded. He could have chosen worse. Some of his coworkers had insane names. “Oh god, Nicky.” He grimaced lightly. “You know what, fine. It’s worth it. Do your worst, George.” He wouldn’t use it a lot. Clearly it bothered him. Nick still wasn’t over it though, this was the best thing he’d heard all day.

Miles laughed, shaking his head at their ridiculous banter. Not that he didn’t love it, though. “Well, I would have used Dalton, but…I think it’s taken.” He grinned at Nick, nudging him with his shoulder. Needless to say he wasn’t paying any attention to Stranger Things once again. “Too bad singing isn’t my strongest suit. Otherwise, sure. Perfect plan.” He nodded firmly to emphasize it. But when Nick actually called him George, rather than just threatening it, Miles groaned, tipping his head back. “You’re annoying,” he muttered. “I changed my mind. I can’t take it. No amount of Nicky’s in the world could make up for that.” It really wasn’t that bad and he knew it. He was just dramatic. And he certainly preferred to just be Miles. “Keep it up and I won’t hesitate to call you Dalton in public. I’m sure some of your…customers are running around places we frequent.”

Nick would maybe regret telling him his actual alias later on, because now Miles could retaliate when he called him George. He really screwed himself. “You could do Dalton Double and only come in when I call out. Like an understudy. Just don’t be surprised if people constantly compare you to me.” The conversation itself was ridiculous, but that was a good thing. It was easy to talk to Miles, even when the topic was embarrassing. “Dang. I could’ve been your manager and everything.” Nick grinned again as Miles groaned in annoyance. “Okay… Okay. Fair enough.” He made a face at the thought. There was nothing worse than when someone recognized him. Definitely not on his list of top ten funnest occurrences. “Blackmail isn’t fair you know. You don’t want to be there when someone recognizes me. It’s awkward and sometimes they ask for private dances to be funny and no one laughs.”

Miles: “No, I need my own brand. I’ll think of something. Maybe if I ever actually consider becoming a stripper. But I’ll leave that to you for now.” Miles shrugged. “You can still be a manager. Maybe for my video game testing business.” He was totally going to go far with that. “Then no more George and the blackmail don’t even be necessary. Give and take here, my friend.” Miles laughed at the thought of it. He couldn’t picture that situation. And he thought it was awkward when he ran into someone he tutored or someone he had gone to school with. “That’s not funny because you know they’re not kidding even if they claim to be. Maybe I should be your manager. Or bodyguard. Keep the creeps away. Clearly I’m in top physical condition to do that.” Except he wasn’t at all intimidating as a six-foot-two lamp post.

Nick: “Fair enough.” He laughed and nodded. “As long as we split the money 50/50, I’m in.” Nick realized he’d probably called Miles George more in the past five minutes than he had been called in his whole life, so he figured he’d give him a break. He wasn’t a complete asshole, even if he did like the name. “Okay, Okay. No George.” At least not all the time. “Which means no Dalton for you.” He laughed and nodded as his friend spoke. “Some are kidding. Some aren’t. A manager would be nice though. But I’m not sure if you’d be up for making sure all of those lonely Moms keep their distance. They get crazy. You might get mauled.”

Miles shook his head. “I don’t know if I’m down with 50/50. We’ll talk.” It was his business venture, after all. Miles nodded at that. “Deal. No George, no Dalton. Anytime I hear a George it’s fair game, though.” He paused. “In all seriousness, I’m glad I could tell you. Now you’re part of an exclusive club of very few people on the planet who know my secret.” He shuddered slightly at the idea of such a situation going down. “Man. When you put it like that then I don’t know. Is it always moms?”

Nick let out another laugh and nodded before he got slightly more serious. “I’m glad you could tell me too. I promise I won’t let the secret slip in front of anybody. I wouldn’t blow your cover like that.” He promised. “For the record, I’m glad I could tell you mine too. Only a few people know what I really do — Murphy’s unfortunately one of them ‘cause he saw glitter on my shirt one day and started asking questions. So I better not catch you two talking _shit_.” He was joking, he didn’t care because Murphy already talked shit about it to his face. He was used to it by now, just not public. “No… sometimes it’s Dads. But they’re just sad. I get a lot of party groups too. Our biggest tippers are for sure the Mom’s though. They get the most into it.”

Miles: “Thank you. I appreciate that.” Miles reached forward for the mug he’d long since forgotten to sip it while he listened to Nick speak. He stopped himself from laughing and doing some sort of gross spit-take. “Glitter. Wow. I really think I need to see this. Am I invited? I promise I won’t even ask for a lap dance.” Because he wouldn’t take it seriously at all, especially not compared to Nick’s regular very lonely people. “I don’t know what the confidentiality policy is like there, but I would really appreciate never finding out if my mom or dad wind up there someday. I sort of feel bad for those moms, though. Doesn’t that job sorta make you sad?”

Nick smiled at him in response. But then the conversation turned to glitter, and he rolled his eyes again. “I mean, don’t expect me to hand you a written invitation or anything. But I can’t exactly tell you no. Just remember, if you accidentally bump shoulders with someone or something, you won’t be able to get that glitter out for weeks.” Nick wasn’t even sure where it came from. It’s not like he rubbed it on himself before a shift. “Uh, I can verify that neither of them have ever showed up.” Thank God. “And on the off chance that somebody’s parents do ever end up there… I’m going to be too busy pretending it never happened to even breathe a word about it.” Ain’t that the truth. “Sometimes, yeah. It can be sad. I don’t always like I. Especially since they expect you to, like, exploit that and suck them dry of all their money. It’s kind of fucked up.” It wasn’t exactly the best business in the world. “But then sometimes you get people who are just there to have fun, and they’re funny and respectful. So it’s not all bad all the time. And as I said, it’s good money.” Especially with how hard it is for anybody to find a job lately. He was lucky he found something that was able to pay the bills.

Miles sighed. “Well, that’s disappointing. I was hoping to get one of those fancy invitations they do for weddings and stuff. ‘You are cordially invited.’ That sort of thing.” He thought that would be good for business, for sure. “I’ve never really seen you all glittery. You must have some very efficient showering techniques before you see me. Or are you secretly getting sponge baths behind my back?” The worst offense. “Good to know. I appreciate that. But it all just seems like such a strange system. To each his own, though, right?” It wasn’t Miles’ business how people decided to spend their money. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious about it. Probably for much different reasons than those people, though. I want some of those numbered cards judges use during competitions to hold up.”

Nick: “Oh, yes. ‘You’re cordially invited to the stripping of Nicholas O Vaughn, widely known as Dalton Oliver and beloved by many. Please RSVP and bring your crispest singles.’ I bet you’d love getting that in the mail.” He laughed, realizing he was doing a lot more of that now that things between them were good again. “You sounds like you want to see me all glittery. I’m a pretty expert showerer, though. I say no to the sponge baths and just attempt to do them myself. It keeps me humble.” He joked. “I guess so. And it keeps a roof over mine and Murphy’s head. So I can’t complain too much.” He snorted lightly at Miles. “You really want to judge my stripping that bad? You really must want to tear down my confidence.”

Nick: “See? That’s what I want. Christmas gift ideas.” He’d have to fight the urge to get Dalton embroidered on something for Nick’s Christmas present. “I mean, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be amused by it. I could always just glitter bomb you but I wouldn’t get the full effect. I’m happy to hear you’re not stealing my nurses for sponge baths, though.” He nodded — that was certainly true. Other people’s sometimes strange interests gave Nick a job. “Nah, man, I want to build you up. Tens across the board. I’ll make sure everyone knows who the top dog is around there. Let’s just hope they don’t find out how biased I am.”

Nick: “Maybe I’ll suck it up and sprawl one out on a napkin if it means that much. I mean it’s either that or a Starbucks gift card. I still need to decide.” He was only joking. He hated giving impersonal gifts, but he also hadn’t thought about what to get people yet. And Christmas was right around the corner — fuck. “I’d never steal your nurses. That’d be going against the bro code and I don’t do that.” He shook his head. “You’re so thoughtful, how have I lasted this long at work without you to hype me up? That’s an issue, though. People will get jealous and complain that I’m getting special treatment. Then you’ll be banned from the club and have to find another one to do your judging at.”

Miles placed a hand over his heart. “I’m so touched. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone to write an invitation on a napkin for me.” In all honesty, he probably would get emotional over it, despite his joking about it. “I don’t know how you’ve lasted. I’m a very important asset to your growing career. Frankly, I’m offended you didn’t ask me sooner.” He shrugged, leaning forward again to put the cup back on the table. “No one has to find out. We just have to pretend not to know each other when I’m not doing my judging. I just hope they don’t dig up scandals like the wedding — then my days posing as a fair judge are over.” And they just couldn’t have that happening. “It wouldn’t be as fun at a different place because I wouldn’t know someone there.”

Nick: “Eh, just for being you.” Maybe as a joke he’d write one up for him. Of course if anyone else saw it he’d never be able to live it down. “I didn’t know that you had an inner dance Mom laying below the surface or maybe I would have.” He idly watched as Miles put his drink back. Without giving it too much thought, he leaned forward to pick it up himself for a small sip before gradually setting it back down. If Miles complained about cooties again he’d just have to remind him that his tongue had literally been in his mouth at some point. “The last thing we need in our tutoring and stripping careers is a scandal. You can come on the condition you act like you hate me so no one suspects we actually know each other.” That probably wouldn’t be too hard for him, Miles would just have to recall their High School days for inspiration. “True. But I mean, I could give you the names of some nice strippers to talk to so you have more of a network.”

Miles: “I knew I was special.” The lighthearted conversation was still so relieving to have. Miles looked back at the TV, but he really wasn’t paying any attention. Of course they were going to have to start over again. And take a vow of silence next time. He could see Nick drinking from his mug out of the corner of his eye, but he couldn’t bring himself to even care enough to make a smartass comment. “Hm, I could probably manage that. I’ll just pretend you won’t stop calling me George. Then it won’t be too hard.” It could potentially become reality, too. “Networking is very important, so that’s a great idea. You give me some numbers and I’ll get to work on forming some professional relationships.” He sighed contentedly, tilting his head to look at him. “Giving me all your favorite stripper names. You’re just too good to me.”

Nick: “Try not to get too cocky about it.” He’d pretty much forgotten about Stranger Things completely at this point. Their conversation had completely taken over. Nick wasn’t complaining about it, though. One day they would really have to watch it though, this was getting ridiculous. “Funny. I haven’t called you George in a whole five minutes so there’s no reason to be salty.” Nick teased, lifting his legs up to Criss cross themselves as he turned to fully face Miles, the show clearly forgotten. “My favorites? Well that narrows it down to about three. I was just going to give you the best dancers. They’re a little morally questionable, but hey, most artists are.”

Miles: “How could I not be knowing I’m the favorite?” Miles rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help the playful smile on his face. “It’s only a matter of time. I’m just preparing myself ahead of time.” He subconsciously twisted his own body to do the same as Nick turned to face him. Miles laid his arm across the back of the couch, resting against Nick’s shoulder and fiddling with the fabric of his sleeve there. “Morally questionable I can handle. It is stripping, after all. No offense. More power to you and everything.” Miles respected the whole taking ownership of his own body thing. “I can’t really provide you any helpful connections in return. Unless children struggling with schoolwork can somehow be beneficial to you.”

Nick: “Now you’re just putting words in my mouth.” But he wasn’t, really.  Miles was one of his favorites, he just didn’t say it. “Preparing to hate me? Well I guess that’s smart.” Nick smiled to himself as Miles started to toy with his sleeve, and subconsciously he leaned a little bit more toward him. “None taken. It’s a little shady. That’s why I don’t really talk about it.” That, and the fact that he was a male stripper was a little too awkward to just being up in normal everyday conversation. “Maybe not the children, it’d be weird for me to have a bunch of kid connections. Their parents is another story, though. If they’re stressed out from having to deal with their kids school issues, just send them to me…. not directly me. But where I work.”

Miles: “But am I wrong?” Miles asked, quirking an eyebrow, because he was pretty sure he wasn’t. “Just preparing for the G bomb.” It was bound to come when he least expected it. “I don’t blame you. But at least now you have someone to vent to about work stuff. And I’ll do my best to relate. I am your hype man, after all.” It was only fitting. Miles pulled his arm back to just have his elbow propped up. “Sure, will do. I won’t give them your name. I’m not about to pimp you out to people. I feel like I get dibs, anyway.” He wished he could say it with a straight face, but he couldn’t help but grin.

Nick: “I didn’t say that either.” He laughed loudly at that. “There will be no G Bombs. Not where anyone else could hear, anyway.” He wouldn’t blow his secret. “Well. Thank you. I appreciate that. You probably don’t want to hear half the stuff that happens. But that’s nice of you — I’ve never had a hype man before.” His grin widened at Miles’ own words and shook his head. “You’re dumb.” But the lightheartedness made him happy. The fact that they could joke and just be around each other despite everything. He’s always wanted that. “You never called dibs, you know.” Nick leaned in to kiss him gently, because at that moment he felt like he could. “But you can have them. I don’t want to be pimped out to just anybody anyway.”

Miles nodded firmly. “Exactly. So shush. I appreciate you not blowing my cover, though. I lead a very important life as Miles.” He just couldn’t risk it. “I think I can handle it. I’ve seen some things.”  He really hadn’t. But he was still pretty sure he could deal with the stripper horror stories. Maybe he’d end up eating his words, though. He was about to respond when Nick kissed him, and Miles automatically lifted a hand to rest on his cheek when he did. He almost didn’t want it to end, and he found himself leaning forward even more when it did. He pushed himself back when he noticed it. “Well, dibs. Now it’s official.” He shrugged. “I don’t see anyone else trying to in the meantime. Unless you have suitors I don’t know about.”

Nick: “Yeah, and you don’t want to get confused by two different names and have an identity crisis.” Nick rose an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? What things?” He asked, half amused and half curious. The kiss ended all too soon, but he had to pull back to speak or the mumbling might’ve ruined the mood. “I’ll have you know that I have plenty of ‘em, thank you. I told you, all of those single Mom’s aren’t shy about what they want.”

Miles raised his eyebrows, waving a hand to emphasize that was his entire point. “Exactly. It’s too confusing. So George doesn’t exist as far as I’m concerned.” Miles shrugged a shoulder, mulling it over in his head. “Things I can’t repeat, obviously. They’re too disturbing.” The actual most disturbing thing he’d come across was Greg Miller in his entirety, so he’d keep his mouth shut. “Well, give me names then. I guess I need to throw hands.” Assert his dominance and whatnot. Which was quite minimal. “I’m still curious about that whole atmosphere, though, so you can expect to see me at some point. I’ll be the one cheering you on.”

Nick had seen some things he didn’t want to necessarily share with anybody, but the fact that he could talk to Miles if he wanted was nice. “Right, fair enough.” Nick laughed loudly. “Are you sure you can take them? Especially Susan. She likes to brag about the fact that she does yoga every day.” His laughter died off and he shook his head. “In all seriousness, you probably wouldn’t like it there.” Nick didn’t even like it there and he worked there. “I can’t stop you if you decide to stop by. But I don’t think it’s your type of place.”

Miles stretched his arms up over his head. “I can take Susan. I’ve done yoga before. She’s nothin’ special.” Although yoga was intense. Miles couldn’t do it more than once with his mom. He’d barely made it through that first one. “Hey, you don’t know my kind of place.” Except he totally did, and he was right; Miles would hate it. “I like to think I’m at least tall enough to see over some heads. And I can’t foresee many people hitting on me.” Lily had only initially done so because her friends had egged her on. “So I’ll be okay. I just might need to bring some hand sanitizer.”

Nick: “You know, I’ve never had anyone try to compete with white suburban Mom’s for me before. But I can’t say I hate it.” Susan was pretty strong, but she was nice so she’d probably have mercy on Miles. “Suit yourself. You most definitely will be hit on, though. The second the vultures see you it’s on. You have to flirt with the customers so they’re more likely to want a dance. Sorry, buddy.” He didn’t necessarily want to see Miles there, because it wasn’t really a place he could see him actually enjoying. But the thought alone was also kind of hilarious.

Miles: “What can I say? You’re worth it.” Miles was just glad he didn’t have to think twice about saying things like that anymore. Nick knew what he meant to him and he had no problem voicing it to him. “I think I’d pay for a lap dance but then spend the whole time just asking if they’re okay. Strippers are people, too.” He was still teasing, and he showed it by grinning again. “I probably will never end up there, though, honestly. I hope you won’t be too sad that I’ll never visit you at work. Hopefully you won’t miss me too much.”

Nick: “I’m glad you think so.” They were both clearly joking, but Nick knew the sentiment was still there. And while before he’s tried so hard to ghost over it and pretend that it wasn’t there, now he was welcoming it. “And what would you do if one started crying on you mid lap dance?” He grinned back. “Well thanks for acknowledging the fact that I am actually human. I wasn’t sure otherwise.” He knew the chances of Miles ever showing up were slim, because he’d have to know the name of the place he worked for one thing. But hearing him voice it was a relief. Truth be told, he never wanted him to see him like that. “It’ll be tough but somehow I’ll manage. I guess you’ll just have to stay busy with your baby tutoring jobs.”

Miles: “Of course I do.” He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t. “I would hold them while they cried. Damn, Nick, I’m not a monster.” He was still playing around, but he totally would. He was the one who’d ask, after all. “No problem. That’s what I’m here for — reminding you of your humanity.” Sort of. “I am quite busy with them already. Maybe I can find some time to squeeze you into my schedule, though.”

Nick smiled slightly before laughing at Miles commentary about the strippers. “Maybe you should just skip being a teacher and move straight to therapist. Then you could help all the strippers you want.” Honestly, Miles would probably be good at it. “I thought you were here to just watch Cupcake Wars and Stranger Things with me. Looks like you have multiple uses.” He absentmindedly reached out to playfully tug on Miles’ sleeve while they talked. “Well you did say you were the master stripper. Maybe you could just tutor me in that so you can be on the job and around me at the same time.”

Miles: “I’d be a great therapist. Except I think I might cry along sometimes too.” Miles tended to get sympathetically emotional about that sort of things. “Oh, I have plenty of uses,” he said, raising a hand to wave off the notion that he didn’t. He looked down at Nick’s hand on his sleeve, and Miles scooted closer to him, letting his knee bump against Nick’s leg. “Hmm. I think I would be okay with that. I don’t think I’d be complaining about work at all.” He leaned forward to kiss him again, because he just didn’t think it would be necessary to stop any time he wanted to now. He couldn’t held himself. It was all in the name of being honest, after all — and he’d be lying to himself if he pretended not to want to kiss him as often as he did.

Nick: “At least your patients will know you care. That alone would probably be therapy enough.” Honestly, if he ever had to go to therapy, he’d way prefer someone who was too emotional over their patients than someone emotionless. That’d just be nerve wracking. “Clearly you do.” He noticed Miles knee bump his, and that they seemed to somehow keep getting closer and closer. But Nick didn’t exactly mind. “The only thing is that you’d probably have to work for free. That okay with you?” He teased before noticing Miles begin to lean in, and getting the picture, he leaned in to meet him half way. His hand dropped to lay flat on Miles’ leg for support as he stretched his neck to meet him half way — not thinking twice to kiss him back.

Miles: “I guess you’re right. So maybe I have a fallback career after all.” He wasn’t sure if he could handle it, but it was certainly something to think about. Jokingly, of course. “Maybe I could deal with that. I’d have to be compensated in other ways, though. Like you could stock my fridge for me. That’d be hot.” He’d love to not have to do any grocery shopping. He was aware of Nick’s hand on his leg, and Miles brought one of his own over to grab it. He could get used to this, especially the fact that nothing negative was going to come from it afterward, no matter how many times he decided to do it. It was fair game and he loved it. He pulled back reluctantly, keeping his face close. “Or that.”

Nick: “It’s good to have options.” Nick certainly wouldn’t want to do that for a living, though. He could barely handle his own problems, let alone a bunch of strangers’. “You know what would be hotter? Me not doing that and just mooching off you after you do it.” Nick was only joking, naturally. He actually liked grocery shopping, it meant he got to choose the food. He smiled into the kiss as Miles reciprocated and covered his hand with his own. It wasn’t anything crazy, but it was nice. And he found himself wanting to lean back in for more, much like earlier. “Or that.” He agreed quietly, before following his instincts and leaning back in once more for another, unfortunately brief, kiss. “I like doing that.”

Miles nodded. “It’s better than my original backup plan of just begging on the street for spare change.” That probably wouldn’t get him very far. “Mm, that doesn’t sound nearly as hot, actually.” It required effort so he was uninterested. Miles grinned at Nick’s reaction, followed by another quick kiss. “I do too,” he agreed quietly, nodding to make his point. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.” It was still exhilarating. He wasn’t sure if that feeling would go away, but he didn’t particularly want it to.

Nick: “There’s nothing wrong with that, that’s my plan.” If his whole ‘millionaire by the time he’s thirty’ plan doesn’t pan out, of course. “Says you. Don’t kink shame me.” The joking atmosphere slowly wore off as they kissed. “Is that a good thing?” He asked with a slight smile, because he knew it was.

Miles: “I say we team up, then. They’re probably more likely to give to two of us, right?” Or maybe that would just drive people further away. That seemed a bit more likely. “I think we’ll have to come up with some sort of compromise here. Which, like…the best I can come up with is we split the work half and half, which is what we already do in our respective homes, so…good job. Keep up the good work.” It worked just fine so far. “You know the answer to that,” Miles replied, matching his grin, “but I’ll humor you anyway. It’s a good thing. I don’t think I want to get used to it.”

Nick: “Right. That or it’ll be easier for one of us to get away when they end up calling the cops on us.” Probably not their smartest plan, admittedly. Hopefully they just became millionaires and wouldn’t have to go that route. “Glad we had this talk, then.” He grinned in amusement. “I’m not used to it, either.” He admitted, and it still was a little difficult for him to say these things out loud, but he was trying to make more of an effort to. “But in a good way.” His hand toyed with the fabric of  Miles’ pants absentmindedly. “Still getting used to the fact that my best friend wants to kiss me.” He cracked a smile, but it was the truth.

Miles: “Well, if one of us gets away, then at least we’ll be able to bail the other one out. Count your blessings.” The easy solution would to not do anything worthy of going to jail over to begin with. But where was the fun in that? Miles watched Nick’s movements, the way his hand was just barely moving and tugging at the fabric of his sweatpants like Miles had been doing with his shirt earlier. He recognized the inattentive nature of the movement, just something to do that wasn’t at all awkward for either of them. It made his chest feel warm. He just loved their new situation. It wasn’t much, but it was a start. It was a positive change, at the very least. “I’ve been wanting that. It’s just expecting it to happen and knowing that it’s okay to do it,” he clarified. “I think you’re going to have an issue keeping me away from you now that it’s not exactly unfamiliar territory. So…I apologize in advance, but not really.”

Nick: “We’d make a good homeless team.” He nodded in agreement, because they would, even if it wasn’t exactly the worlds greatest plan. The following conversation should have been awkward for Nick, and it was to some extent simply because he wasn’t used to it. But Miles being so open and him being able to be open back made him feel lighter than usual. For once he wasn’t allowing the negative thoughts to get in the way. Not right now, anyway. Right now, he was just happy to be there with him. “I thought I made it obvious that I don’t want to keep you away from me. ‘Cause we’ve already tried that and it never works out.” He had no hesitation about admitting that. “So I’m not sorry if you’re not sorry.”

Miles: “I think we’d make a better team, like, not homeless. So I think our bigger goal should be to keep it that way.” It certainly wouldn’t be a difficult goal to reach. At least, Miles hoped so. He was still taken aback by Nick’s next words, mostly due to the fact that this would have ruined things for them a short time ago. And maybe there was still a chance for that to happen eventually, but at least it was much less likely now. “I know,” Miles agreed. “But now you’ll just officially have a harder time getting me off your back. Whether or not you actually enjoy it is your business.” Miles was glad that he did, though. “In return, I promise not to hold a grudge when you clearly drink from my mug even though I don’t recall inviting you to do so.”

Nick: “Of course. The whole homeless thing is just a ‘just in case’ thing.” Nick nodded in agreement. “Thanks for the heads up. But I think I can handle it.” He hoped, anyway. He hoped he could handle this newfound thing between him and Miles without somehow messing it up. Nick laughed, not realizing Miles had noticed. But of course he had. “I warned you I might. And you never said I couldn’t.” Admittedly, though, couldn’t help but be a little embarrassed by being caught. “Besides, since you’re my new stalker now, I should have rights to your hot chocolate.”

Miles: “Right. Just in case.” Still, he could do without having to get to that point. “Glad to hear it.” Miles didn’t think he’d be that hard to deal with. He’d do his best. He shook his head at that, unable to keep from smiling. “You’re a douche. I told you that you could go make your own. It’s literally right there,” he reminded him, gesturing toward the kitchen that was merely a few steps away from them. “Keep it up and I’m gonna send Scout chasing you out of here.” He turned to the TV again, frowning. “At least then maybe I’d actually watch this show. Shit, man. It happened again.”

Nick could only shrug, nearly guilty. “It always tastes better when it’s somebody else’s.” Plus, he didn’t want more than a taste of it. Why waste a trip to the kitchen and a whole packet of hot chocolate for that? “Please don’t, I feel like you’ve secretly trained her to rip people’s throats out. And I like my throat.” Nick turned his head to the TV when Miles did, and couldn’t help but smile slightly. “I don’t think this is working out. How many more times are we going to try before giving up?”

Miles shook his head. “Unbelievable. I know for a fact your mother didn’t raise you like this.” He could make some educated guesses, at least, based on what he knew about her and the Vaughn children when they were growing up. “Please. You know her. She’d only be able to suffocate you with kisses.” Thankfully, Miles had never had a need for Scout to chase people off. But she’d never quite been herself around Greg. It reminded Miles how dogs truly have the best judge of character. “I think if we’re going to do this we need to just stop listening to each other,” he said, but it was much easier said than done. He picked up the remote to pause the episode. “I need to catch up, man. We really need to shut the hell up.”

Nick: “No, but she accidentally taught me to be sneaky, so she never knew. I just wasn’t trying to hide it this time.” His Mom was the no nonsense type, so Miles was right about that. “I mean, I didn’t want to die. But being smothered to death by dog kisses doesn’t sound too terrible.” Better than being mauled to death, that was for sure. “Okay… okay. You’re right. No more talking.” Nick nodded, trying to keep a straight face. “Let’s try this one more time. We can pause it like every three episodes to get all the words out.”

#CANON #secrets secrets #current verse #another one that doesn't make sense pop culture wise bc of the time skip. DEAL WITH IT like i have to

[nilesarchives]

No Need to Rush ― CANON. (current verse)

Miles is back at his mother’s house after being released from the hospital, and Nick comes to bring Scout back to him. Miles doesn’t remember much from Nick’s visit to the hospital.

The very first part is missing for some reason, but Nick just brings Scout to Miles’ room and asks how he’s feeling.

Miles let his head snap to the door when he heard a familiar whine on the other side of it. That was his Scout. He couldn’t help the smile that stretched across his face as Nick knocked, and finally the door opened, and Miles had a happy golden retriever bouncing over to his bedside with her tail wagging so hard it moved her whole body. Miles immediately bent down to embrace her, running his hands through her hair as she wiggled excitedly in his grasp. The relief he felt was indescribable. He was just so glad to have her back, as he had rarely been away from her since he’d gotten her, and after this whirlwind of a week he didn’t want to be away from her ever again. “Thank you,” he said into Scout’s fur, though it was directed at Nick. “Thank you for getting her.” Nick was one of the few people in the world he would always trust to have her, along with Beth and Murphy. He finally sat up straight again, patting the spot beside him on his bed to invite Scout to jump up, which she did. “Okay,” he answered truthfully with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “I’ve definitely been better. But I can move and stuff now, so that’s cool.” He scratched behind Scout’s ear absentmindedly. “Just have to take it easy and stuff. And they warned us about some possible changes. Dizzy spells, having a hard time remembering things. Shit like that. But that comes with the head injury.” He sent a pointed glance at the wall beside his bedside table and the floor beside it. There were no visible marks, but he knew his head had been hit in those places. “I don’t seem to be having a hard time remembering much, though.”

Nick smiled at the sight of Scout and Miles finally reuniting. After all that had happened, Nick wasn’t surprised that they were this happy to see each other. Anyone who knew Miles knew how much he loved Scout, and clearly that love was mutual. He’d never had that sort of bond with an animal before, but it was obviously special. The thought of Greg having Scout for any longer than he did was sickening now, but Nick was just glad that he got to her before anything bad happened. “It was no problem. She’s always good. Could tell she missed you, though.” He gently closed the door behind him and walked further into the room as Scout settled herself beside Miles. “Good — well, not good about the dizzy spells. But I’m glad you’re feeling better.” He followed Miles gaze without thinking about it, not thinking much of it. He glanced back at him, noting that he definitely looked better than he did the last time he saw him. “Good… uh. I was worried after the last time I saw you. You were pretty upset.” He broke off, not sure if he should bring up those memories to Miles and remind him of why he’d been upset. “But you look better. I’m glad you’re okay.” His voice was honest, and he swallowed to stop himself from rambling on too much. “How long before your… head injury is supposed to subside?”

Miles nodded. He knew Scout was a good dog, but he liked to take credit for at least part of it for training her over the years. He nudged her aside so he could move further up the bed, leaning back against the headboard. “You can sit. I mean, if you were planning on sticking around.” Miles gestured toward the end of his bed. “Plenty of room on my Pokémon comforter.” He grinned. When Nick mentioned seeing him last, the smile faded a bit. Miles wasn’t sure exactly when that was. He knew that Nick had come to see him and that he’d asked him to get Scout, but specifics were all a blur. He was told this would likely happen, but it was difficult to come to terms with. “Right. Yeah, I’m better. I’ll be fine.” He sighed, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t know. I have a follow up in two weeks, so hopefully everything just checks out by then and I won’t have to worry about it anymore.” Hopefully he wouldn’t have to worry about any of it anymore. But that was going to be a while. He was still petting Scout and he focused back on Nick. “Anyway, what about you? How was your Thanksgiving?”

Nick laughed at the mention of the Pokemon comforter, and slowly nodded his head. “I could stay for awhile, if that’s okay.” Truth was, he wanted to be there with him, but he also didn’t want to get in the way of him resting or something. Figuring Miles would tell him if he needed to though, Nick made his way forward and gently sat down on the foot of Miles’ bed. “That’s it? Wow. That’s good, right?” He turned his body a bit to face him, immensely relieved and happy that he was doing so well. If only Miles’ next question didn’t throw him off. “Um… well. After I saw you, you mean?” Miles knew he was there for the first half of the day. “I went to my Mom’s for a little while. She sends her love.” He smiled slightly. His adoptive Mother didn’t show her affection outright. Not like Miles’ Mom. But after hearing the news about Miles it was clear that she was concerned. “How were thing after I left that day?”

Miles nodded again. “When have I ever kicked you out?” Aside from the times they were fighting. But that totally didn’t count. Miles shrugged at that. “I mean, I guess. That’s only if everything is fine.” Two weeks was plenty of time to have something go wrong. Nick’s reply had Miles staring blankly at him. Shit. Right. Nick was at the hospital on Thanksgiving. Miles blinked, shaking his head slightly. “Yeah. After…after that. That’s what I meant.” He figured they could just move past it, and his heart swelled slightly at the mention of Nick’s mother. “I’m genuinely honored. I miss her.” It has been a while. He didn’t have much time to dwell on it more, though, because Nick brought up Thanksgiving again. Miles wasn’t sure if he could fake it — or if he even should. He might have been better off just being honest. “Ah…to be honest with you, I don’t know if I remember much from that day,” he finally settled on. “All the hospital days kind of blend together. It was a blur of a few days, you know? I had a lot on my mind and—and the concussion doesn’t help.” He frowned. “I’m sure I just slept, though. All I really did was sleep.”

Nick shrugged. “I dunno, figured you might want to relax and spend some time with Scout.” Nick nodded at the next bit of information. “Well… you’ll just have to rest and stuff then. And do what the doctor says. So nothing goes wrong.” He nodded as he spoke, and his heart constricted at the thought of something else going on. But he hoped that was just him being paranoid and that nothing would happen. “She misses you, too.” He could tell. “You should come visit… when you’re feeling better, I mean.” That conversation was quick to end, though. Miles’ hesitation was obvious, and now he finally understood why. He didn’t remember. “You don’t remember?” He tried not to sound too upset at that moment. It wasn’t Miles’ fault. It was just fucking scary — the fact that he didn’t seem to remember he was there. “What do… what do you remember, Miles?”

Miles glanced down at Scout. “I am relaxing and spending time with Scout,” he pointed out. “But I know that. I’m not planning on doing anything crazy.” He could see in the way Nick looked at him how his mood shifted just slightly, and Miles almost wanted to just slide under the covers and hide. He felt bad that he didn’t know. Nick didn’t sound upset, just surprised, and it made Miles want to tell him that he remembered, even though he didn’t. “I…I don’t know,” he replied. But then he backtracked, going through what he knew he could recall. “I know you came to visit. I don’t know how long you were there. I remember I was in ridiculous pain but I don’t know why. And I know I told you to get Scout at some point because you told me you had her after you did. And I think I told you about— or did I?” He couldn’t remember if they’d talked about Greg. “Greg. We might have talked about Greg.” He met Nick’s gaze, wishing he could offer him more. “I don’t know.”

Nick had meant without him being there, but he wasn’t going to argue with him. He was just glad to be there, even if the conversation quickly went sour. He nodded as Miles said he wasn’t going to do anything crazy, and Nick knew that. It was the things out of Miles’ control that scared Nick. Like the not remembering. Nick swallowed thickly and tried to find the right words, hoping Miles didn’t think he was hurt or mad. He was just disappointed; worried. What else would Miles forget? “I came to see you and we… talked for awhile. Then you asked me where Scout was.” He held Miles’ gaze as he spoke. “And I told you she was with Greg.” He hated that name now. “You told me to go get her, and you got upset. The nurses had to come in to calm you down. It wasn’t until I met up with him that I realized why you were upset.” He was going to be honest with him, as honest as he could. He wasn’t sure if he should tell him the other stuff or not. Would he think that was important, in the grand scheme of things? “And now I’m here.”

Miles listened to him explain everything that happened, but he couldn’t help but feel like something wasn’t right. Like there was something he was forgetting that he really should have remembered. It reminded him of how he got so angry at Nick a mere few weeks before because he couldn’t remember, even when it wasn’t his fault. And now he was going through the same thing. His jaw clenched at the mention of Greg. “Did he say anything to you?” Thinking of Greg around the people he loved now made his blood boil, even more so than before. But he calmed down when he remembered that Nick and Scout were both here, Beth was going to divorce the douche, and everything was fine. Miles bit down on the inside of his cheek. “I’m sorry that I don’t remember much.” He paused. “I remember that I was glad you were there. I remember that I missed you.” It was true. And even if he hadn’t remembered, he was sure he’d have felt all that anyway. “And that I broke up with Lily because I wasn’t being fair to her.” He remembered situations before the incident, like why he’d gotten so mad at Nick when he forgot that he’d told him he loved him. Miles remembered the thoughts in his head that night. But he just couldn’t for the life of him figure out what he and Nick had said just a few days ago. “Is that all?”

Nick could see the moment Miles tensed about Greg, and Nick began shaking his head before he answered. “No. Not really. He didn’t do anything to me, and Scout was fine. She was just uncomfortable. I just… I don’t know. The way he was looking at me, and how he was talking. It wasn’t normal.” Greg, clearly, wasn’t normal. “We were in a public place, though. And that was the last we saw of him.” The ‘we’ being him and Scout, but he supposed that applied to everyone else as well. “It’s okay.” He said quietly. “It’s not your fault.” It still hurt nonetheless. After everything, it hurt that he didn’t remember. A feeling Nick recognized as hope began to well up in his chest as Miles said he missed him. Because God knows he’d missed him, too. “I didn’t know you broke up with her.” Was all he could think to say, his voice still quiet as he tried to decipher why he was telling him that. When Miles asked him if that was all that had happened, Nick was faced with two options: ghost over the truth for the sake of not wanting to overwhelm him, or tell him the truth. And Nick was so used to not saying the whole truth that it was second nature to him now, but he didn’t want to do that anymore. He didn’t want to have to pretend anymore, not with Miles. “No.” He shook his head and raised his eyes to meet Miles’ once more. He pulled in a shaky breath. “I told you that I loved you.” He finally admitted. “You said you loved me, too.”

Miles could do without ever seeing or hearing about Greg ever again for as long as he lived. But he knew that wasn’t going to be an option right away. “He’s…” Miles paused. He didn’t think now was the right time to discuss why Greg had done what he did, other than just being a psycho. “The worst. He’s the worst.” And he’d leave it at that. For now. They could talked about it another time. Right now he was more focused on the matter of what had gone on between them that Miles could barely remember. Nick’s words sent a wave of realization washing over him. There it was. That made sense. That was what seemed so off. Miles was almost relieved to hear that that was all it was. Though he had to admit a part of him was certainly disappointed he couldn’t remember hearing Nick say it. “I do,” he said without a second thought. “I-I don’t remember saying it there but I do. I do love you.” He hoped it didn’t matter when it was said, because he meant it every time. And he’d say it a thousand more times if he had to. “I’m really sorry that I can’t remember. I know you know I didn’t do it on purpose but I feel bad that I…I got so mad at you for the same thing.” He looked down at his lap. He felt like he should do something, like touch him or something, but he didn’t want to cross a line and he wasn’t even entirely sure what Nick was thinking.

Nick nodded in full hearted agreement. Greg was the worst, but he didn’t want to think about what he did right now and get angry all over again. Telling Miles what had really happened and what they had said was terrifying, because he wasn’t sure if that really meant anything or not, if Miles would even be open to hearing it when he was a alert now. As he said he loved him again, though, Nick knew he was. “It’s not your fault.” He said again, more firmly this time as he moved to face him completely. After a brief moment of hesitation, he reached out to gently rest his hand on his leg. “It’s not the same thing.” He shook his head before speaking again. “You’re saying it again now. You’re not trying to hide it. I did.” He glanced down for a moment before looking back up at him. “I was too scared to tell you otherwise. But I do. Love you, I mean. Like, a lot.” He let out a laugh even if it wasn’t particularly funny. “After the thing with Greg… I almost lost you, you know? And I don’t want to have to do that.”

Miles knew Nick didn’t blame him, but it still bothered him a bit that he had acted that way. He supposed be would just have to let it go, though, since all was forgiven. “You know I’m not gonna judge you,” Miles reminded him. He glanced down at Nick’s hand on his leg. “You don’t have to go tell the whole world but you don’t have to worry about telling me.” He paused. “And I promise I’m not going to try and force you to be more open about things. That’s not fair to you.” He felt bad about some things he had said, in hindsight. He just hoped once again that they would be okay, now that he understood Nick had to go at his own pace if anything was going to work out. Nick started talking about almost losing him, and Miles didn’t like that talk. He liked that Nick was being honest, though. That was something he’d probably never get sick of. And hearing it warmed his heart, reminded him why he felt this way about Nick, and he didn’t want to wait anymore. He placed his hand on top of Nick’s and leaned forward to kiss him. All he could think about the entire time he did was that it was the first time they would kiss and not ignore each other for it for the following month or so. And that thought alone had him grinning when he pulled away. “Good thing you didn’t, then.”

Nick felt exposed, having to lay everything out there for him. On one hand, it felt good to be honest with him. But on the other, it felt strange to admit it all again. “I know you’re not.” He nodded slowly, because Nick knew that for a fact. “It was never you I was worried about.” It was everyone else, but that didn’t matter right now.  “But I can’t guarantee I’ll be open. Not anytime soon. And that’s not fair to you, either.” He warned, struggling to be honest still. But his words stopped when Miles places his hand over his and leaned in to kiss him. He wasn’t entirely expecting it, but it was welcomed. It had been too long since they’d last gotten to do this, and he felt the familiar feeling of warmth spread throughout his chest at the gesture. He leaned in, careful not to accidentally bump into him. As they pulled apart, he couldn’t help but supply a grin of his own. “Yeah. Good thing. Who else would I have to watch Cupcake Wars with?”

Miles shook his head. “You don’t have to be,” he said quietly. He didn’t expect him to go parading their…whatever it was right now. That wasn’t the point, anyway. “But you told me how you feel and that’s a start. You’re miles ahead of where you were a month ago.” Miles didn’t expect him to suddenly feel like coming out, but the least he could do was hopefully help him get there. “What’s fair to me is just that…you can tell me what you’re thinking, y’know?” Even if that meant telling Miles to back off. He knew he could come on a little too strong sometimes. Case in point, when he couldn’t help but kiss him — but Nick’s reciprocation was a pleasant reminder that this was all real, albeit a little rough around the edges right now. “Right. That’s what I’m good for.” He sighed. “But really. It could have been worse. It was pretty bad, yeah, but I’m here now, so.” He shrugged. “It’s all good in the hood.”

Nick sighed and nodded slowly as he listened to him speak. “I just didn’t want things to get bad between us. Because I’m not… open. That’s hard for me. The last thing you need is to have to put up with that. Trust me. Especially right now. You’ve got other crap to worry about.” Still, he turned his hand palm side up so he could entangle his fingers with Miles’. “But I want to be more honest. With you.” He admitted. He wasn’t sure where this newfound honesty would lead them, or if it would be any better than what they’ve been doing. But it’s not like they had anything to lose. After the realization that Miles’ could not be here right now — all of the lies felt stupid. Unimportant. “Yeah, it could have been. But it wasn’t. You’re still here.” His grin faded as the words sunk in, despite Miles’ good in the hood comment. “Do you…” He paused, not sure if should ask or not. But he had to know for sure Greg wasn’t coming back. “Do you know where he is?” He spoke quietly. “Have you pressed charges yet?”

Miles almost wanted to roll his eyes, but he held back. If putting up with Nick were a problem for him, he’d have been done with it one of the other hundred times they’d decided to ignore each other. “You don’t have to look out for me like that, you know. I know what I have going on but I also know what I want.” He looked down at their hands and then back up again. “I just may not be entirely clear what it is you want.” His voice took on a lighthearted tone, but it was a serious statement nonetheless. But maybe it just didn’t matter right now. He didn’t know. At the mention of Greg, despite the fact that Nick hadn’t even said his name, Miles frowned. “No and no,” he replied, looking down at his feet. “Even if someone told me where he was I probably wouldn’t remember tomorrow.” It probably didn’t come out as jokingly as he meant it, but he couldn’t help it. He was feeling nervous. “I think my mom wants me to focus on becoming not-concussed before we work on that.”

Nick knew this wasn’t the right time for this conversation. Miles just got out of the hospital, and probably had a thousand other thoughts running through his mind. Still, he owed it to him to be honest. Even if the timing was way off. “What do you want?” Nick asked in turn, part of him already knowing the answer. He paused before he brought himself to reply to that. “I want you to be okay. And I want to be here when you need me.” Like Miles had been there for him. “I want us to stop getting mad at each other and ignoring each other like we don’t care.” Because it turned out he cared a lot. He debated about saying the next part, but he figured he was already this far ahead he might as well. “And I want you to be happy. But I don’t want you to end up for real hating me. But I also don’t want you to get back together with Lily and forget I exist again.” He broke off before he could say something more, and shook his head. The talk of Greg came was his own fault, but he wanted to know there was no chance he’d be back there. “You’re hilarious.” He deadpanned, not particularly finding him very funny, for once. Too soon, he supposed. “I guess that makes sense…” He said slowly, wanting to ask more questions and make sure Greg was for sure going to get some shit for this. But he knew first hand that a lot of questions and a lot of prying wouldn’t help him. If Miles were anything like Nick, which he knew he was, he would hate that. “You should focus on getting better. Before anything. That other stuff can be taken care of later.” Even if Nick wished the guy was already in prison or something. “Do you need me to leave so you can get some rest?”

Miles shook his head, unsure of how he should even phrase it at first. Voicing it was hard, even if he knew. “I just…want you,” he finally settled on, despite how vague it was. “Whatever that means for you. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it.” A lot of what Nick was saying was similar to what Miles himself wanted. They’d said some of these things before but it was different now, almost. “I am okay. But…we’re not gonna stop getting mad at each other.” He knew what he meant, but still. Never fighting again wasn’t a promise he could make. “I-I didn’t forget you existed. I thought about you every single day.” He paused, sucking a deep breath with so much force it reminded him of the dull pain in his ribs. “I’m telling you that I don’t need you to tell the world everything that you’re telling me. What’s gonna make me happy is just…being with you. Being around you. And I don’t need to go telling the world that you’re my boyfriend, but—but I just. I don’t know.” He shook his head. “You said it yourself. You never know when you’re gonna lose someone. I don’t want to risk that without ever just trying.” He sighed. Greg wasn’t going to be an easy subject to talk about for a long time, but he figured he’d have to. “Yeah. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll even bother with all that legal shit,” he muttered. “I’d rather just never see his face again.” It may not be the best choice, but he didn’t like thinking about being stuffed in a courtroom with Greg staring him down. “I don’t need to rest but you don’t have to stay if you have somewhere to be.”

Nick wasn’t surprised by his words, not really. He already knew how Miles felt about him, for whatever reason. Still, the words got to him, and hearing it felt good. “I know we’re going to fight.” He finally said. “I know that’s going to happen. I just… you say that you want to… be with me now. I just don’t want you to wake up one day and regret everything because it wasn’t what you expected.” And there it was — the truth. His throat constricted as he said the words, but he still continued on. “I want you. I think that’s obvious now.” He laughed, but it didn’t come out as casual as he hoped. “And I don’t want to pretend like I don’t.” Not with him, anyway. The conversation soon turned, and Nick was alarmed by his words, but maybe he was just saying that. So he stayed quiet for a moment. “It’s your choice. But maybe you should give it some thought…when you’re feeling better.” He cleared his throat and sat up straight. “No, no. I want to stay. I just didn’t want to stay if you were tired, or something.” He couldn’t read his mind, that much was obvious.

Miles sighed. “Nick…” He didn’t even know where he intended to go with that. There was a lot he wanted to tell him, but he couldn’t quite think of the words to say. He did his best with what he could, though. “I know what this is. Okay? I do.” He tried to make it clear how genuine he was being. “We can do things…however you want to do them. Go slow. I know what I’m getting into,” he said again. “But I don’t want to be with anyone else. And I just like being with you.” They didn’t need to call it anything. He didn’t care. He cared even less about this, though. “Yeah. Maybe.” The entire thing was unappealing. But Nick was probably right. He could think about it another time. “Well, I-I want you to stay. I can nap later.“

Nick had been telling himself for however long this thing with Miles had been going on that this wasn’t a good idea. But he couldn’t keep ignoring what was going on, or acting like he didn’t feel the same way Miles did. “We’ll go slow.” He said slowly, as though accentuating his point. But he was agreeing. It was a bad idea, and he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to say no. “If you’re sure that’s what you want. I want to try.” And he really did. “Then I’ll stay.” He shrugged a bit, before hesitating briefly. “If you want to nap now, you can… I can still stay.”

Miles nodded. That was good enough for him. More than good, in fact. Because it was a start, and it meant that Nick was serious, even though he was scared, or however else he felt. Miles wasn’t going to push him to talk anymore now. “I’m sure,” he said quietly. At Nick’s suggestion, Miles looked down at the tiny mattress they were sitting on. Nick alone was about six feet tall and the thought almost made him smile. But he raised his eyebrows at Nick nonetheless. “You think that’s going to work? At all? No doubt whatsoever?”

Nick nodded, not verbally saying anything because nothing else really needed to be said. Not right now. They’d already talked enough, and he was sure that Miles probably was at least a little tired. He glanced down at the bed as Miles questioned him, and a laugh escaped him before he could help it. “No of course not. That’s why I was going to ask you to sleep on the floor.” He joked, and a teasing grin spread across his face as he did so. “Yes, it’ll work. We might be pressed a little close, though. So I think we’ll only have a problem if that bothers you.”

Miles rolled his eyes. “Oh, please, Nick, I’m not a dog.” He glanced at Scout, who of course didn’t even flinch at his words, but he still felt like he’d offended her. “Sorry,” he told her, scratching her head, which alerted her and caused her to lift her head and look at him. Miles pointed to the floor. “Down.” Scout followed his command, pushing herself up and then hopping off the bed and lying down right next to it. Miles ran his hand over her head once more before beginning to maneuver himself to try and fit two large adult men into a child-sized bed. “Hm, well, I guess you’re lucky I got a sponge bath in the hospital since I couldn’t sit up. It was super hot. Kinda sad you missed it.” He’d obviously bathed since then, but still. He peeled back the comforter and slid underneath it. “I just hope my mom doesn’t assume there’s any funny business going on in these Pokémon sheets.”

Nick was a little sad to see Scout jump off the bed, but there was no way all three of them would fit. Not without accidentally stepping on or elbowing someone. “I was just kidding.” He said lightly as he began to kick off his shoes so he didn’t track dirt or whatever else on Miles’ Pokémon bedding. “Wow, lucky you. How are you going to go back to regular showers after getting used to all the hot nurses?” He waited until Miles was settled before scooting up and maneuvering himself next to him, laying on his side so he didn’t crowd him too much. “We’ll just say we’re trying to name all of the Pokémon.” Honestly wouldn’t be the first time. “And got tired. There are a lot of Pokemon. It’s a believable excuse.”

Miles rolled his eyes playfully. “If I thought you were serious we’d have other problems here.” He shrugged, tilting his head as he thought back to it. “The nurses weren’t very hot, actually. Just the whole idea of a sponge bath is incredibly sexy in its own, obviously.” It had definitely made him feel more like an eighty year old. “I’d be bored of that by Ivysaur.” He had been doing pretty much nothing but resting the past week, so he didn’t think he would be particularly tired. But he was actually finding himself wanting to take all these naps. He wasn’t sure if it was the natural response to lying down and no real stimulation, or part of the head injury. He didn’t really care either way. Naps were naps. “Just be careful,” he said quietly, gesturing to his own chest where all the internal bruising was. He had to stay on his back, which was difficult for him to get used to, but it was better than the alternative. He sighed contentedly as he eyes closed, blinding holding his hand out in search of Nick’s. “Thanks for staying.”

Nick smiled softly at that. “You’ve got a point.” The talk of cold hospital sponge baths hardly sounded appealing, but he played along nonetheless. “Oh yeah, totally. I don’t know how you were able to contain yourself. Don’t get any ideas and ask me for one though, I’m not trained for it.” It was another light joke before they were both laying down. Nick didn’t move as Miles shifted to get into a position that was comfortable for him, and he couldn’t help but feel that familiar worth again as Miles motioned to his chest. “I will.” His voice was nearly at a whisper, and his eyes fell on Miles outstretched hand. Finally allowing himself to sink further down into the mattress, he shifted just a bit so he could reach his own hand out. Entangling his fingers with Miles’, Nick looked at him for a moment before closing his own eyes. “Thanks for letting me.”

#CANON #no need to rush #current verse

[nilesarchives]

After the Storm ― CANON. (current verse)

Nick goes to see Miles in the hospital, and they finally get to be totally honest with each other upon the realization that things may not have ended this way. But not too long into their visit, certain things come to light that aren’t quite as happy.

Nick had started the day feeling like this was going to be like every other Thanksgiving. Wake up and laze around before his Mom expected him and his siblings over for dinner. So it was with little thought that he began to do the former. Stretching out on his couch, he blindly reached for his phone in order to flick through it for the time being. He saw he had a few obligatory “happy thanksgiving” texts from friends and coworkers that he quickly replied to, and it reminded him that he needed to send out a few of his own. He sent one to his brother that was currently overseas, one to Emerson, and then with some hesitation, he punched up Miles’ name. He just stared at the name in his phone for a moment, before he sent him a simple Happy Thanksgiving that Nick knew he wouldn’t even reply to. Still, it felt strange not to. He’d been his friend for years — he wasn’t going to just ignore that. Just as he wasn’t going to ignore the fact that he’d gotten in the habit of sending Miles’ Mom, Beth, the occasional holiday text. He’d known her for just as long as he’d known Miles, and had grown to care for her a lot over the years. So Nick texted her before he closed out of his messages, satisfied that he hadn’t left anyone out. Boredom set in and he opened up Instagram to scroll around on. He’d only been messing around on instagram for a few minutes before a call popped up on his screen. Beth Sterling. Miles’ mom. Brow furrowing in confusion, Nick lifted himself into a sitting position as he prepared to take the call. He’d expected a text back, maybe. But a phone call? That was unusual. He hesitated for a minute before answering, and the second he did, he could tell something was wrong. His blood ran cold and the world seemed to slow down, a sensation he hadn’t experienced since he was a little kid. The feeling of getting bad news; the feeling that someone you cared about wasn’t okay. Beth’s voice was tired and worn, and she explained to him that Miles had been drifting in and out of consciousness, but that the doctors said he was in decent shape. But that didn’t quell his worry, and he knew instinctively that it didn’t settle her down much either. With assurance that he’d be there as soon as he could, they ended the call, and just as soon as they did Nick was up and gathering his phone and coat before rushing out the door. He quickly ordered an Uber and, by some miracle they showed up right when he was considering just walking to the hospital. With his heart in his chest, he was on his way to see him. And as soon as he got there, it was all a blur. Walking to the wing his Mom said he’d be in, talking to her and hugging her and having her lead him to his room. It all happened so fast and slow at the same time. And seeing him in the hospital bed made his stomach churn painfully. He felt nauseous. He barely realized he was now alone in the room with him; he just walked over to stand beside him. “Miles.” His voice was hoarse and he reached out a hand to him, almost afraid to touch him, but ultimately lowered it to rest upon his arm as gently as possible. “It’s me. It’s Nick.” He was bruised and swollen and it didn’t look like Miles. His whole chest ached. He wasn’t sure what happened to him. Or who had done this to him. But it made him so sick and angry and sad for him at the same time. “I don’t know if you can hear me. But I’m here.” His voice shook slightly. “Are you awake?”

Miles wasn’t even sure he was awake half the time that he was. He got disoriented every single time he opened his eyes. There were a few moments of bleariness, followed by some even longer moments of confusion; each time he woke up, he needed to be reminded where he was. But when his mom or a nurse — whoever was beside him at the time — told him that he was in the hospital, he remembered. Oh, he remembered, because suddenly he’d feel the pain, and it was everywhere. All over. He felt like he’d been hit by a truck. The worst of it was his head, which had a constant dull ache that randomly turned into a sharp twinge every once in a while, and second to that were his ribs, which kept him from moving even slightly. If he tried to shift, it sent a sharp pang of discomfort shooting out into all of his extremities. It was torture. And when he noticed it, he couldn’t stop feeling it. So he would lie there feeling everything all at once, and he would try to engage with his mom or give the nurses the answers they needed. But mostly he just spent the time willing himself to go back to sleep because at least then he didn’t have to think about how badly he was hurting. He didn’t spend much of the time, if any, thinking about what had landed him here. No one was asking because they knew he needed to recover. He wasn’t speaking at all if he didn’t have to. He was in a constant daze, using all of his strength just to stay still and slip back into unconsciousness. So it was no use at the moment trying to figure out what had happened to him. They were going to need to give it a few days. He was in that groggy, sort-of-awake-but-wishing-he-were-asleep state when Nick came in. Miles didn’t actually notice at first. He was so out of it that any time someone new came in, he wouldn’t take notice of it until Beth woke him up to show him who was there. And truthfully, there hadn’t been many people so far; most were trying to give him his space. So it was no surprise that when Nick came to him, Miles didn’t flinch, his eyes remaining closed. It took a bit for him to register that he was hearing a voice, that it was a voice he recognized, saying things that sounded very far away but were actually right beside him. Miles forced his eyes open again to be sure that he was hearing correctly. Then came the confusion he always faced, but he blinked past it and focused on Nick’s face. He wasn’t all that clear in Miles’ vision through his exhaustion. But Nick was there, and Miles wasn’t entirely sure why at first. Despite everything, though, they were best friends. So of course he was there. “Hi,” Miles said quietly. His voice was breathy every time he spoke, but there was more to it this time. He was just so glad that Nick was here. He turned his head slightly toward the door. “Where’s my mom?” He only asked because she had been there every single second since Miles was admitted. He didn’t mind the current company, though. He turned back to Nick. “How are you?”

Nick was both relieved and undoubtedly concerned when he heard his voice. He was awake. He was here. But at the same time, his voice didn’t have the strength it normally did. “Hi.” He tried to smile at him, trying to tell himself that he was okay and that he’d be okay. “I think she’s in the waiting room. She brought me in here to see you. Do you need me to go get her?” He was quick to offer, wanting to help him even if he couldn’t do much. “You’re literally laying in a hospital bed, and you’re asking me how I am? You scared the shit out of me, Miles.” He said seriously. “How are you? Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to get you anything?”

Miles shook his head slightly. “I don’t need her.” He was glad that Nick had offered, though. He was still trying to process the fact that Nick was even here in the first place to be able to offer. It was something he’d thought might make him sad or sick, seeing Nick again. But now, being here, he realized it was stupid to pretend like Nick wasn’t the one person he wanted to see. “I’m fine,” Miles said, and to prove it, he raised the hand closest to Nick in order to wave off the notion that he was anything but. He winced at the moment when the slight shift of his body heightened the pain in his ribs, but he didn’t let it stop him. “I think I’m just…lucky to be alive? I don’t know.” At this point he felt like he might have fallen off a cliff or something. Or, more likely, he was being very dramatic. “My head hurts the worst. I think I’m…very concussed.” He nodded, then zeroed in on Nick’s face again. “You don’t have to be here, you know.”

Nick nodded as Miles declined his offer. He wasn’t sure what else to say at that moment, but he definitely didn’t miss the wince on Miles’ face as he moved his arm. “Be careful.” He breathed, wanting to reach out to steady him, but not wanting to accidentally hurt him. Hearing him say he was lucky to be alive caused his heart to stutter in his chest, because Miles was right. If it were worse….if he weren’t as lucky, he wouldn’t be there with him right now. And that thought was terrifying. “If you need any ice or a nurse or something, tell me. I’m serious.” He swallowed and shook his head. “I want to be here.” He said honestly, not caring enough to hide that fact anymore. Not after feeling like he might actually lose him. “I wanted to see that you were okay.” He paused, and for the first time he considered the fact that maybe his presence was hurting more than it was helping. “Do you need me to leave?”

Miles could feel the hesitation from Nick, and it made sense. Miles himself wasn’t even entirely sure what he needed at the moment. But he knew that if it were bad he’d be able to voice it. He hasn’t had any trouble with that yet. “I will.” Miles was glad to hear that, even though he knew it to an extent. Nick wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be. Still, it was nice to hear him say it. Then it was Miles’ turn to shake his head. “No. I’m glad you came.” It was true. Even if Miles was out of it and didn’t even know when he would be out of here or what things would be like with Nick after the fact, he just wanted him to stay there for the time being. “It isn’t very exciting here, though. Just a warning.” He tried to smile at him, just to remind him that he really was fine. Or as fine as he could be right now.

Nick felt relief settle in as Miles continued to talk like he was okay. And that he was okay with Nick being there. “I think I’ll manage.” He tried to offer him a smile in return, but all he could do was breathe in shakily and drop his hand to the edge of the hospital bed, allowing his fingers to pick at the sterile sheet as he began to speak. “If you’re here, I want to be here.” He wasn’t sure if this was the right time to say these things, but if he learned anything today, it was that he could lose him at any moment. If nothing else, Miles needed to know that Nick cared. And that if he needed him, he’d be there for him. “I almost lost you, Miles. And I didn’t even know it until today.” His chest still ached at the thought. He looked up to meet his eyes. “I love you.” The words tumbled out before he could stop them, and he was all nerves and worry, but he didn’t stop himself. “And I’m going to remember I said that. Because you almost died —“ His words broke off, and he had to stop for a moment. “You almost died, and you wouldn’t have known that.”

Miles was trying to think of a good way to respond. Nick was being fairly open with him, and Miles wanted to make it clear that he heard it and appreciated it. But before he could formulate a response, there were those words again, the same ones he’d heard days ago and then quickly wished he hadn’t. And just like then, it made his heart pound in his chest and left him feeling elated. It was better this time, even, because Nick was sober, and he was honest when he said he was going to remember it. Miles’ mouth felt dry, and he didn’t know why, but the very first thing he could think to say was, “Are you sure?” He thought that it was probably the fear of embarrassment again. But then he reminded himself that Nick had never even taken it back in the first place. Even if he hadn’t remembered it, he’d meant it. And now it was clear. “I didn’t die,” he reminded him, though of course Nick knew. Miles just thought it couldn’t hurt to reiterate. “I don’t know what happened but I didn’t die. And I know now. I know, Nick.” It kind of blew his mind that he knew. “You better not forget this time,” he said, hoping his voice took on the lighthearted tone he meant it to. As he said it, he raised his hand again, but powered through it so he could place it on Nick’s forearm. “And for what it’s worth…I love you too.” Even if that was pretty clear. “And I’m not going to break if you touch me, you know.”

Nick wanted to laugh at that question, but the seriousness of the situation prevented him to do so. “I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t sure.” He was sure when he’d said it days ago, even if he had no recollection. The only thing he hadn’t been sure about was whether or not he should say it. Whether or not it would change everything and make a giant mess. But a giant mess had already happened, and Nick could have potentially lost him for good. So now, suddenly, saying it seemed less scary. It was not saying it at all that scared him now. “You didn’t.” He repeatedly quietly. Thank God. But truthfully, he could have died. He didn’t voice that out loud, though. “I’m not forgetting anything.” His eyes lowered to Miles’ hand as it reached out to his forearm, and he felt a certain rush of adrenaline course through him as he heard Miles say it. Of course, on some level he knew it, because Miles’ wouldn’t have stuck around with him if he didn’t care. Hearing it, though, was another story. Shakily, his hand rose to cover Miles’ hand that rest on his forearm with his free hand. “You’re just saying that because you want me to stay and sneak you snacks.” He joked weakly, but slightly squeezed his hand so he knew he was teasing; that he understood. “No, maybe not break you. But I could hurt you. You’ve only got about a thousand wires attached to you.” There weren’t that many, truthfully, but any at all was too much. He suddenly wanted to ask him what had happened; who or what had done this to him. But he didn’t, not yet. Miles had already been through enough. Instead, he took his hand from its spot on top of Miles’ and moved it so that his palm was laying flat on the hospital bed next to the other mans shoulder. And after a brief moment of making sure he wasn’t accidentally knocking against Miles or any of the medical equipment, Nick was leaning down towards him. He wanted to kiss him, or something, just to touch him and show him that he was there. That he was serious. Deciding against a real kiss, because he wasn’t sure if that was entirely appropriate, Nick stretched so that he could place a kiss on the top of his head. For a moment he lingered, before lifting himself back up. He wanted to say something stupid, like ‘I’m glad you’re not dead’. But he stopped himself. “Do you know how long they’re keeping you for?”

Miles nodded slowly. He knew that. It was a dumb question. But he couldn’t be held accountable for stupid questions at the moment. This was the most alert he’d been since he had first fallen unconscious, which was…days ago. He wasn’t sure exactly how long. His mom let him know the time every once in a while, but he wasn’t really keeping track. Miles looked down at Nick’s hand on top of his. “I’m actually not that hungry, if you can believe it.” He looked pointedly at the needles in his arm and the monitors attached to his chest. His appetite wasn’t the best it had ever been. “I’m already hurting,” he said, because it was the truth. Anything Nick could do to him probably wouldn’t make it much worse than it already was. He wouldn’t mind it in exchange for Nick’s reassuring touch anyway. And Nick moved his hand to lean in instead, and Miles thought he was going to kiss him, and he thought about how it had actually been a while and he missed the feeling more than he was willing to admit. But Nick pressed his lips to his head instead, and Miles couldn’t complain. He could kiss him later. Truthfully, he could — and that was the best part. “I don’t know.” He sighed, because he wished he knew. At the same time, though, he didn’t really want to be at home feeling like this. “I’ll probably be at my mom’s house at first. She’ll just help me get back on track. And hopefully Greg will just—” Miles stopped. Hearing the name out loud, even from his own mouth, froze him. All at once, he remembered. There were only bits and pieces, and he couldn’t be sure what ultimately led to him being here, but he remembered the hitting, being on the floor and pushed against walls, all of it. It was Greg. Greg put him here. But almost as soon as he came to this realization, Miles also realized he didn’t want it to come up. Not right now. He didn’t need to be giving Nick all the details of what had happened to him. They were having a moment that Miles didn’t want to shatter. He came back to reality, finding Nick’s face to focus on again. He shook his head slightly. “Sorry. I-I kind of lose my train of thought sometimes. It’s been happening. Because of the concussion.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. Right now he was focused on pushing all thoughts about Greg out of his mind completely. “But soon. Hopefully soon I get to go. Just be back to normal. Or better than normal, maybe.” He gave Nick another smile to convince both of them that he was fine right now.

Nick hated seeing like this. He hated the thought that someone could just do this to him and get away with it. It made him sick to his stomach. “I can’t say I blame you.” He replied quietly. If Nick were in his position, he wouldn’t be thinking about food either. “I don’t want to make you worse.” He clarified, trying not to sound like he was babying him. He couldn’t help but be worried, though. He hated the thought that he was in pain. Nick listened to him speak, following along until Miles seemed to space out. His eyebrows raising, he straightened his back and stood there until Miles’ finished his sentence. He wasn’t sure what caused him to space out like that, until Miles said it. And then it made sense, and the severity of his injuries were made clear to him. “Fuck.” He breathed. “I should page a nurse —“ Miles was talking normal again, but Nick wasn’t sure if that was a sign he wasn’t doing well or something. “Maybe they can give you something for the pain.” He hoped Miles was right, about him being able to get better soon. He wasn’t sure when that would be, or what else needed to be checked out before he was released. But he wanted to be reassuring, somehow. “It’ll be normal again.” He repeated, absentmindedly seeking out Miles’ hand again and covering it with his own. “You’ll be able to eat again…and watch Stranger Things.” He cracked a small smile. “And walk Scout. You’ll get out of here.“

Miles wanted to tell him that he didn’t think he could make him worse, but there was no point in doing that. He knew what Nick meant. He was just worried about him. Which was made even more clear to him when Nick started to panic at the fact that he had spaced out. At the mention of nurses, Miles shook his head firmly. It actually made his head hurt a little when he did. “No. No nurses. I’m fine.” They weren’t going to do anything but tell him that he was just the same as he had been the past few days, and Miles didn’t want to deal with it. Especially not now. Plus, they were already giving him something for the pain and it wasn’t doing much. At the thought of being back at home, Miles relaxed some, and he smiled. “I might just watch it without you. I’m sick of waiting,” he teased. The thought of Scout made him smile too, but then there was a whole new issue in his head. “Scout — she’s probably freaking out. Is she alone?” he asked, though he wasn’t even sure if Nick knew. “Who’s been feeding her?”

Nick still wanted to go find him a nurse, even if he said he was fine. But Miles didn’t seem to want one, so Nick had to trust that he was okay. Or at least try to. If he spaced out again or looked like he was in even worse pain, he’d have to do something. “I didn’t realize you were waiting for me. I thought you’d be on your third rewatch by now.” He smiled as Miles began to joke back. “She’s fine. Your Mom mentioned that Greg had gone to get her. She should be with him now.”

Miles almost wanted to roll his eyes. Of course he had waited. “We said we would watch it together so I waited for us to watch it together. I’m a man of my word.” He was glad they were back to their easy banter, despite the circumstances. Even when Miles was in pain in the hospital and Nick was going through his own shit on top of being here for Miles, they were always going to fall back into it. It was just easy together. And just when Miles was starting to relax again, to be content with where he was in spite of it all, Nick informed him that Scout was with Greg. Worst case scenarios immediately plagued his mind. He was the last person on Earth that Miles would want Scout to be with right now. It made his blood boil. All he could picture was what Greg had done to him, over and over and over again, and Scout needed to be out of there. Away from him. “No,” Miles said simply. “No. You have to go get her.” His voice was low, but his heart started to race. He could hear it on the monitor. “She can’t—she can’t be with him. Fuck, you have to go get her.” His voice was slowly rising with his heart rate, and he tried to push himself to sit up in his desperation, completely forgetting how it made him feel like his ribs were collapsing inside of him. He hissed at the feeling, trying not to cry out, and doubled over, his arms grasped tightly around himself. “Nick,” was all he could say, but he didn’t need his help. He’d have this feeling a thousand times if it meant Scout was going to be safe. He just couldn’t find the words to tell him to go, his face contorted in what was mostly pain, but also included distress.

Nick smiled again at that. “I don’t know, I thought you would’ve watched it with Lily by now.” And for once, he didn’t mention her out of bitterness or exhaustion. It was half a joke, half a statement. It was almost like he was just remembering her existence, but none of that really mattered now. That stuff didn’t matter. They’d talk about it later. Right now, he was just content to be there with him and talk to him. It was going great, until Miles’ expression quickly began to change. The immediate change startled Nick, and he wasn’t really sure what to make of it. “What?” He said at first, not really sure what was going on. He was on immediate alert, and tried to reach out for him as he sat up. “I’ll get her, I’ll get her — just hold on.” His heart was racing, and as the beeping on Miles’ monitor increased, so did his need to calm him down. Not knowing what else to do, he quickly snatched up the phone and pressed the button to signal for a nurse while simultaneously calling out over his shoulder, hoping they’d hurry up. Hearing Miles say his name and double over in pain stabbed him in the chest. “Miles.” He called out, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder — or something, when two nurses suddenly burst into the room. One was brushing past him in order to go to Miles, and one was trying to usher him out of the room. He tried to look over the nurses shoulder as she did so, hoping to see him at least one last time before they completely pushed him out. He wasn’t sure what was going on, or why Miles was upset enough to move so abruptly. It didn’t make sense to him, but all he could do now was stand outside of the room helplessly and hope that the nurses could calm him down.

#CANON #after the storm #current verse

[nilesarchives]

A Losing Battle (Miles Self-Para) ― CANON. (current verse)

Miles is home for the week of Thanksgiving after a whole slew of relationship problems. Greg wants to help him out — or so he’d like Miles to believe. In truth, Greg is a crazy homophobe, and he does not take kindly to Miles telling him all about things that happened with Nick. TW for homophobia and violence/physical assault.

This sucked. All of it.

No matter which way he looked at his current situation, all Miles could think about was how much it sucked. Some of it was his fault, but a lot of it was the shitty universe doing shitty things to him at the moment.

He had gone to Lily’s house the night before after informing her that he needed to talk to her. He was pretty sure she knew what was coming; she wasn’t stupid. And when he told her that he didn’t think he could be with her right now, that he’d jumped into it for all the wrong reasons but that she was a great girl, she took it well. She agreed with him, saying she was glad he’d thought about it early enough along. But Miles felt terrible. He could still see the sadness in her eyes.

Lily deserved better. They both knew it. She needed someone who wasn’t going to constantly be distracted by other things. Or more specifically, another person. But it didn’t help him feel any better about wanting to give it a chance and then dumping her.

Now he was home for Thanksgiving, and it wasn’t exactly where he wanted to be. He didn’t think he wanted to be anywhere in particular. But home sucked especially right now. He didn’t mind seeing his mom, of course. It was Greg that bothered him, and everyone else in the family that wanted to know how things were going, what Miles’ plans were, if he was dating anyone. He knew he was lucky to have the family he did, but he just wished he didn’t have to deal with it now.

Of course, this was mostly because his mind was completely elsewhere. He was in his childhood bedroom, lying back on the twin size bed with his eyes closed and his hands folded over his stomach. He hadn’t stopped thinking about the thing with Nick since it happened. He was picking it apart, going over every single detail in his head. He was silly to think that something Nick said while high was going to change everything. But at the same time, Nick had never actually revoked the statement, had he? He never came right out and told Miles he didn’t love him after all. So maybe…

No. He wasn’t going to let himself fall into that bullshit.

He groaned aloud. This was so frustrating. He’d talked about it a little bit with his mom, but he was vague about it. For starters, he didn’t mention that any of it had to do with Nick because that would just open up a whole new slew of questions. He knew his mom, though. She probably had a feeling because she never pried for more information, just stared at him like she was already getting the facts she wanted. Miles never understood how she did it. Just a mom thing, he supposed.

Still, she couldn’t fix it for him. As much as she loved to solve all his problems when he was a kid, she couldn’t do it for him now. But talking about it helped. And she reminded him that it was no one’s fault. Nobody could help how they felt. Even if Miles felt stupid and he was angry at Nick for making him feel stupid, neither of them could be held accountable.

He just wished that could make him feel less pissed about it. Because at the end of the day, even if all was forgotten, things still probably wouldn’t work out the way either of them wanted it to. And that was the shitty part.

He was pulled from his thoughts when he heard a knock at the door. Miles opened his eyes, sitting up a little straighter. “Uh, come in.”

The door slowly cracked open, and Greg popped his huge, goofy head through it. “Hey, kiddo,” he greeted, his wide smile getting under Miles’ skin from the second he laid eyes on him. “All good up here?”

Miles frowned. Of all people in the universe to come in right now… “Um. Yeah, Greg. All good.”

But for some reason Miles would never understand, Greg stepped in anyway, closing the door behind him. “I heard you from my room.” Miles wanted to correct him and say it was his mom’s room, but he refrained. “You sounded distressed. Wanted to come check on ya.”

Miles narrowed his eyes. He’d never understand why Greg spoke to him like he was a child. He always had, since he first started dating his mom when Miles was 20. He absolutely hated it. He hated him.

But Miles never said anything about it. He replied passive aggressively most times, but never had the balls to really stick it to him like he wanted to.

Not until right now, apparently.

“You know, I’m sure I’d have appreciated your super helpful stepdad talks more when I was seven years old, but you seem to forget that I’m a grown man. And, like, my dad was there anyway. So I could really do without them now, thanks.” Miles was sitting up completely straight now, his arms crossed over his chest.

Greg simply stared back at him for a moment, then he bowed his head and sighed. He took a few slow steps forward with his hands in his pockets. “That’s cute, Miles.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. You know, the whole ‘you’re not my real dad’ thing.” Greg smiled, but it was so fake and Miles wanted to smack it right off his face. “You do a real good job of pretending to be seven.”

Miles rolled his eyes. “That’s really not the issue, I can tell you that right now.”

Greg didn’t press it any further. He knew was Miles meant. They stared each other down for a few quiet moments until Greg finally spoke again.

“So your mom told me you were having some girl troubles,” he started, taking another step forward. “You think you could use a guy’s perspective?”

Miles froze. There were several things that felt very, very wrong here.

First of all, Greg had made countless slightly homophobic comments in the time Miles had known him. The first few times he believed that they were mostly jokes (even if they weren’t funny), but as time went on, it became clear to Miles that Greg was pretty serious about it. He was genuinely homophobic, which was a downright laughable thing to be in this day and age. Miles had never challenged him on it. It was mostly due to the fact that he tried to avoid conversation with Greg as much as he could. So as soon as Greg found out that they weren’t actually girl problems…Miles just didn’t want to hear it. Greg didn’t even know that Miles was bisexual and had been with men to begin with, because why on earth would Miles ever tell him that? He’d made it a point to ask Quinn not to divulge aspects of Miles’ personal life to Greg (he made an exception for very vague comments, which was evidently what she’d given him here).

Second, the last thing Miles would ever consider taking into account in his life was Greg’s opinion. He had no idea where Greg had gotten the idea that Miles would want to know what he thought. He was just such a self centered douche.

Third, he just wanted Greg to be away from him. So he certainly wouldn’t be keeping him here any longer than necessary.

“Uh, no, I’m good,” Miles replied. “I already talked it out with my mom.”

“She said you still seemed upset.” Greg was uncomfortably close to him now. Honestly, he was too close just being under the same roof, but still. “She just went to the store to get some things for dinner on Thursday, so I thought I’d come ask you about it in case you wanted to talk it through. Man to man.”

Miles almost felt sick. “I have absolutely no interest in discussing this with you, Greg.”

Greg sighed. “I know you aren’t the biggest fan of me, kid, but I’m just trying to be nice.”

That was it. Miles pushed himself up off of his bed so that he could be level with Greg.

“You aren’t trying to be nice,” he countered, balling his hands up into fists at his sides. “You never cared to be nice before this very moment.” It was true. Something wasn’t right. There was no reason for Greg to be coming in here with this bullshit for no reason. He wanted something. More information, probably. But why? Why did he care?

Then it dawned on Miles. Maybe Greg had a hunch, a feeling that there were no girl problems after all. And he wanted to find out for himself. Conveniently when Quinn was gone.

“Oh, that is just rich.” Miles didn’t even mean to say it out loud, but he didn’t care that he did. He found himself laughing bitterly. “What exactly did my mom tell you?”

Greg paused. Now it was his turn to narrow his eyes. “She told me that you were having relationship problems, and I—“

“But she didn’t tell you I was having girl problems, did she?” Miles was grinning wildly now. “I bet she slipped up, huh? Threw in a pronoun you weren’t expecting?”

Greg didn’t respond.

“And then she begged you not to say anything. Or tried to pretend it was an accident and play it off. But you just had to find out for yourself.” Miles crossed his arms again. “Well, I’ll tell you, Greg. What is it that you want to know?”

Again, Greg stayed quiet. His expression didn’t change at all, in fact. But Miles wasn’t backing down.

“Do you want me to tell you that I’ve known I liked men since I was…probably twelve or so?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. At that, Greg turned his head.

Strike one.

“Oh, we don’t like that, do we? Hmm. Well, maybe it would help to know that these ‘relationship problems’ I’ve been having are between me and my best friend. You know, Nick? Tall, blond, incredibly good looking.” Miles nodded, almost to himself. “Yeah, things have been a little weird between us since we made out here last Christmas.”

Greg was visibly uncomfortable. Strike two. Miles wasn’t sure if it had more to do with the homophobia or just the fact that he knew Miles was purposely riling him up. In any case, he was upset — which only spurred Miles on more.

“No? Well, maybe I can give you a little more insight into what happened, then. You might have some advice for me if you have more information.”

Miles cleared his throat. He dropped his hands to his sides again and strode forward until he was directly in front of Greg. He felt strangely brave right now. It probably had something to do with all the frustration about so many things building up inside of him at the moment.

“See, we were really back and forth for a while. It’s hard when a friendship blossoms into something more, you know? You have to figure things out,” he explained. “And Nick — he’s not out of the closet. Now that I think of it…probably because of lovely folks like yourself! Funny how that works, huh?”

At that, Greg’s head snapped up to look at Miles. He was staring him down. Something didn’t sit right about it with Miles. But he wasn’t about to let this go now. Seeing Greg squirm was incredible. Plus, it wasn’t like he was actually going to do anything to Miles.

“So anyway, that complicated things right from the beginning,” Miles continued. “There was a whole lot of bullshit for a long time. But probably my favorite part was the wedding. You and my mom, I mean. Nick was there, remember? And at some point we decided to ditch the reception, and I ended up coming across your keys.” He laughed. “You ever wonder what happened to your shitty radio stations? Yeah, you’re welcome.”

Greg still didn’t seem all that amused, but the way he rolled his eyes at Miles’ words, then sighed and looked away, made Miles think that he thought that was the worst of it. He held out a hand.

“Oh, I’m not finished. We’d both had some drinks and smoked some weed so, like, you can’t really blame us, Greg.” He shrugged. “The mood was just right, you know? It felt right, no matter where we were.”

Greg was back to staring Miles down. There was the same look that gave Miles sort of a start. But again, it only made him want to do this even more.

“I worry you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you, so I’ll phrase this as plainly as I can.” Miles looked him dead in the eye. The air around them was heavy. “I fucked him. Right there. In your car.”

Strike three.

It was fast. Miles didn’t really have much time to process. It happened in quick succession. First he felt the hand around his throat sending him stumbling backward. Then he felt his back hitting the wall, groaning as his head came into contact with it. The force of it sent the kids books that had been on the shelf above Miles’ desk since he was little tumbling to the floor.

“You think you’re funny?” Greg asked through clenched teeth. He pulled his hand away from Miles’ neck, only to replace it with his forearm, pressing into it and holding Miles’ entire body against the wall. “You think you’re going to gain anything from this? Huh?”

Miles reached up instinctively to grab onto the arm that was nearly choking him. He had provoked him, sure, but he hadn’t expected anything to come of it. He pulled at Greg’s arm with no success. He tried not to struggle too much, to make it look like Greg had won.

Because that was what he wanted. To win. To overpower him.

The reality of the situation set in. Miles was almost struggling to breathe here, and it all boiled down to the fact that his own stepfather, someone his mother had deemed suitable to marry, had gotten upset over some comments Miles made about something he didn’t like. Now he was holding him against the wall and threatening his safety. When he thought of it that way, Miles went back to being pissed.

From there, it was a pretty easy decision to lift his leg and knee Greg right in the crotch. It caused Greg to let him go, stumbling backwards and doubling over. Miles immediately raised his hands up to his own throat. He took a few deep breaths, regaining control, and then looked down at Greg.

“Fuck you,” he said lowly, his voice a bit hoarse. “All of this because…what? What’s all the anger for, Greg?” He raised an eyebrow. “Because I have sex with men? That offends you?”

Greg looked up from where he was bent over. He was breathing heavily when he stood up straight. Miles thought for a moment that he was just going to turn and leave. But he should have expected the opposite, because if Greg was crazy enough to choke him against the wall, then he was certainly crazy enough to reel back and swing directly at Miles’ face — which was just what he did.

Miles didn’t have time to react. He stumbled backward and instinctively reached up to hold his face, but there wasn’t much else before Greg grabbed him by the shoulders and raised his own knee right into Miles’ abdomen. Miles grunted at the force of it and fell to his knees when Greg let him go. He braced his hands on the floor in front of him as he now struggled to catch his breath, since the wind had been knocked out of him. He hadn’t nearly recovered yet when Greg gave him a swift kick to the ribs, sending Miles crumpling over on his side.

“You’ve always been a disrespectful little shit,” Greg told him. His eyes were dark as he stared down at Miles, and there was a wildness in his eyes when he kicked him again, causing Miles to actually cry out this time. “Someone ought to teach you a lesson.” He lowered himself to the ground to put his face right in front of Miles, giving him a wicked smile.

Miles gasped and struggled to move further away from him, but Greg curled his fist into the collar of Miles’ shirt, keeping him there. He used his other hand to deliver several swift punches to Miles’ face. Miles tried to block it, to push Greg off of him, but he was already messed up enough from the kicking and not having a moment to really catch his breath. Greg was easily overpowering him. Miles couldn’t tell where all the blood was coming from, but he felt it all over his face and could see it every time Greg pulled his hand back right before coming down on him once again.

He didn’t know how long it was before Greg finally stopped. At that point, Miles had his eyes closed, and he didn’t even want to attempt to open them again. He felt severely weakened from the whole ordeal already. Once again, he didn’t have time to get his bearings because Greg used both hands to yank Miles up into a sitting position by his shirt. Miles’ body was fairly limp; he struggled to keep his head upright, and he couldn’t do much to fight back while Greg was moving him around like that. He feebly brought his hands up to try and pull Greg’s off of him, but Greg simply responded by swiftly shoving Miles’ upper body backwards where he sat, causing Miles’ head to slam against the wall, hard. Miles groaned again.

This had been a bad idea. He didn’t know at the time that Greg was an angry fucking psycho, but now he wished he could go back in time and stick to his usual passive comments. He was in pain and honestly fearing for his life, and it was absolutely not worth it at all.

“You need to learn to show some fucking respect,” Greg said darkly. He emphasized his words by slamming Miles back against the wall again. “If I ever see you talk to your mother the way you just spoke to me, it will be a lot worse than this.”

Miles thought that it was probably the mention of his mother that caused him to do what he did next. He hated to hear Greg speak about Quinn like he knew her. As if he had any claim over her. As if she meant more to Greg than she did to Miles. Whatever it was, it had Miles completely forgetting the lesson he’d learned just a moment ago.

There was no rational thinking behind it. He opened his eyes and then spit right in Greg’s face.

Miles had already gotten his strike three, so it seemed fitting that he got a much worse penalty for going even further than that.

There wasn’t much after that he could remember. Another slam, followed by his body flopping back into his bedroom floor. Miles caught a quick flash of his Pokémon bedsheets before Greg started wailing on him again, this time adding more of kneeing Miles in the abdomen for good measure. Miles tried to remember the bedspread, how the entire room was filled with all the things he’d loved and missed about his childhood. He kept thinking about it, holding onto the memories.

It was a distraction, maybe, from the pain radiating throughout his entire body, the throbbing of his head. Whatever the reason, he did it until he fell unconscious, catching one last glimpse of Greg’s clenched teeth followed by his fist coming down on him once again.

#CANON #a losing battle #current verse #violence tw #homophobia tw #assault tw

[nilesarchives]

Misplaced Words ― CANON. (current verse)

Miles thinks that things will be different following Nick telling him he loves him, but Nick doesn’t remember much from the night before. Miles is embarrassed about the whole thing and decides he doesn’t necessarily want to see Nick now, and Nick complies.

Miles sometimes woke up on his couch, so it wasn’t strange that he was doing so now. Only it was different. It took him a moment to get his bearings. He blinked and looked around, breathing deeply and stretching out his tired muscles. It was then he felt Nick’s presence and remembered he was there next to him. Miles had spent the whole night sitting up and Nick had progressively moved until his head was in his lap. Miles looked down at him and couldn’t help but smile. He remembered what had happened last night. It was scary, but invigorating. Nick had told him that he loved him. He loved him. Miles couldn’t even begin to describe what he was feeling. He felt the adrenaline surge through him all at once. He moved Nick’s head as gently as he could so that he wouldn’t wake up. Miles got up and stretched again. He went to put away the beer he had completely forgotten about from the night before, then moved to fill Scout’s food bowl. It was his normal morning routine, everything he typically did when he woke up, but he just felt so different. The atmosphere was lighter. He hoped this feeling would never have to go away. He started making coffee, thinking that Nick might probably want some too. And he could hang out for the day, and even stay another night if he needed to. This was going to be a thing now. They could be a thing. It was exciting, and it made Miles grin again. He was excited to talk to Nick when he woke up. There was bound to be a lot to discuss.

Nick was slowly pulled into consciousness by the smell of coffee, first and foremost. The strong, familiar smell was enough to pull him from the deep sleep he found himself in. Murphy, his brother and a certified coffee addict, made it every morning and it became a sort of alarm clock to him. So when Nick cracked his eyes open, he expected to see the sight of his own living room. But even in his tired state he registered it as Miles’. God knows he’d been there enough times. Though at present moment Nick only remembered bits and pieces of the previous night, and wasn’t entirely sure when he fell asleep. Groggily, he sat himself up on the couch and turned his head to peer at Miles, who had clearly been up for some time already. Softly, he cleared his throat, not to get his friends attention but to find his voice. “What time is it?”

Miles poured himself a cup of coffee just as he heard Nick begin to stir in the other room. He brought his mug with him when he went back over to where Nick was, already feeling eager to talk to him. “Um, eightish,” Miles replied, glancing at the clock on the stove to confirm. He put the coffee down on the table in front of him and settled back into the couch, not thinking twice about snaking his arm along Nick’s shoulders just as he had the night before. Miles pulled him in tightly, breathing in deeply. “You seemed like you slept well. Your knuckles were almost white the entire night, though. You’d think my shirt was anchoring you to the ground.” He grinned. Of course he hasn’t minded it at all. “Do you feel better today?” he asked, nonchalantly brushing his nose against Nick’s hair.

Nick nodded at the response as he let out an involuntary yawn. He felt like he had gotten some sleep, but the grogginess would take awhile to lift still. If it would at all. Nick remembered taking something a coworker had given him, but the details to the rest of his night were fuzzy. Of course, he remembered coming to Miles’ and undoubtedly freaking out on him. Now, all he felt was embarrassment. He sat up further and scooted some to the side as Miles came over, assuming he’d want his space. What he didn’t expect was the other man to just immediately wrap his arm around him and pull him in. And without being able to help it, a small smile rose to his face at the gesture, before confusion and realization that this was not normal for them took over. “Uh. Sorry?” It came out as more of a question than a statement. The confusion was fresh on his face. What the fuck happened last night? “I’m… okay.” He said slowly, and the feeling of Miles nudging against his hair sent a chill down his spine that wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, but it shocked him into finally scooting off to the side so he could shoot him a concerned glance. “What happened last night? I don’t remember falling asleep.”

Miles was fairly proud of himself for finally having the courage to just go for it, to show Nick that this was what he wanted and it was what they could finally be. But Nick suddenly didn’t seem entirely into it, which was confirmed when he moved away completely. Miles felt his stomach drop. Oh no. He had been ignoring the fact that this might (probably) happen. “You…” he trailed off. He wasn’t even sure where to begin. He especially wasn’t sure if he should bring up…specifics. “You took something. Before you came here. And you kind of had, like…a bad trip, I guess. I don’t know.” Miles shook his head. This was far from the comfortable situation he’d hoped for. “You don’t—you don’t remember what you said?” he finally asked, his voice much softer than he wanted it to be.

Nick was beginning to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Miles was acting strange, and Nick knew something must have happened for him to be acting this way. They’d just recently begun being friends again. For Miles to just… act like he was acting, it confused him. “I remember that. I know I came here.” Nick knew he came to see him. “I… no.” He shook his head and swallowed hard. “What did I — what did I say?” He could have said a lot of things. And that scared the shit out of him.

Miles could feel his heart sink just as his stomach had a moment ago. He felt sick. He should have known that this was going to happen. He was ridiculous to think that Nick was going to turn up high and tell him he loved him and that would mean everything would be just as he had hoped it would. He was naive, and now he was really feeling it. He moved even further away from Nick, hoping that the physical distance between them would make this easier. “You told me you loved me,” he muttered, quickly coming to learn that the distance did absolutely nothing to help. He still felt nauseous when he said it.

Nick felt his stomach turn when Miles moved further away from him. Like he’d suddenly shut off. But when he finally told him what he’d said, Nick understood why. He felt his heart restrict and he turned as though he were going to inch closer, but he didn’t. “I didn’t —“ He didn’t what? Mean to? Mean it? Nick quickly shut himself up. “I can’t remember. I’m sorry. Miles.” But he knew that didn’t help anything. He felt disgusted, but wasn’t sure how to fix it. Nick hadn’t told anyone he loved them in a long time, not outside his family anyway. If he ever said it to anyone —- if he had the courage to say it to Miles —- he wanted to remember it. But he didn’t remember a thing. And even if he did, what would it change? Miles had a girlfriend. And the last thing he needed was Nick with his eight thousand emotional problems and inability to be open about what he wanted. So maybe he’d told him he loved him, and maybe he meant it. But it didn’t matter. Not really. Nick was a mess, and they both knew it. It wasn’t the right time for them, and maybe this was a sign that there never would be a right time. He tried to keep his voice strong, but it still managed to waver nonetheless. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Miles tried to ignore the pressure in his chest, but this was every negative feeling he could imagine all wrapped into one. He was upset, humiliated, angry — everything he didn’t want to feel all at once. This was bullshit. Bullshit that Nick had said it and was now pretty much taking it back, and bullshit that Miles had let himself believe it and run with it. He was almost ashamed. “I actually have to take Scout for her walk,” he said suddenly, forcing himself to change the subject entirely so he didn’t break down or anything. He didn’t even want to tell Nick to forget it or that it was okay, because he didn’t want to have to say either of those things. He just wanted to make it clear that he didn’t want Nick to be there anymore without having to come right out and say it. Miles had done quite a bit of wanting something Nick didn’t, so this was nothing new for him. “Probably gonna be a busy day today, so.”

Nick hated how cold the room felt now. He knew he couldn’t go back to that, but he already missed the happy Miles he saw not five minutes prior. Hell, he’d be happy to see passive-aggressive-but-still-friendly Miles. But not this. Not this person who suddenly looked like he couldn’t stand the sight of Nick. It made his chest hurt, but there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. “Miles…” He said again, but stopped speaking once he realized there was nothing he could say to recover from this. Nick was no stranger to fucking up, but he’d never fucked is quite as bad as this. “Alright.” He swallowed, realizing he’d already done enough damage without staying there and trying to explain himself. It’s not like Nick could tell him he loved him again, because the second Miles realized Nick couldn’t just be in a normal relationship he’d get bitter. And he was mad now, but Nick would rather end it before it began rather than get any more invested and have them both feeling even more upset when it didn’t work out. “I…” He stood up and straightened himself up, avoiding looking straight at him, because he wasn’t sure if he could hold it together if he did. “Okay. I have to get going, too.” He lied. “But… Thank you. For being there.” And even if things were even more fucked up between them now, Nick would remember that he did that for him. That he cared enough to try to help him. “I’ll see you later.” His voice was quiet, not sure how much later that would be, but still walking out the door and leaving Miles’ apartment. Nick couldn’t do much, but at least he could give him his space.

Miles didn’t say anything. There was nothing he could say. He felt ridiculous. He wanted Nick to leave. It wasn’t uncommon for Miles to be upset with him; they had a history of fighting and not wanting to see each other. But this was different. It wasn’t that Miles wanted to be away from him; it was that he wanted to be with him so badly that he needed Nick to leave so he wouldn’t lose it. He stood up after Nick did, but he didn’t follow him. He watched him go without a second thought, not even feeling the urge to call after him or anything like that. He picked up the cup of coffee and went to dump it down the sink. “Let’s go for a walk, Scout,” he called out, desperate to return to the normal day he should have. But he was almost exhausted after that whole exchange, feeling like Nick had just kicked the crap out of him or something. He’d probably prefer that at this point, he thought as he retrieved Scout’s leash.

#CANON #misplaced words #current verse

[nilesarchives]

When I’m With You, I’m Alright ― CANON. (current verse)

Nick doesn’t want to go home after taking something a coworker gave him, so he ends up at Miles’ place instead. He doesn’t expect the bad trip that follows. Miles is there to help him through it, and they’re both surprised by Nick’s confession before they fall asleep there. TW for drug use.

Nick had made more of an effort to go out more and more lately. He knew he was probably being dramatic, but it had been a big deal for him to get himself to do things. Go out and get food, or to the store. He had just started to get his confidence back enough to actually go back to work. And that’s where he went wrong. The second he stepped foot in the building and people started crowding around him —- touching him on the shoulder and his arms and making him feel sick to his stomach. So after a couple of hours he made up some excuse to leave, but not before skipping off to the bathroom and taking a handful of something a coworker gave him in order to calm his nerves. After he left, he didn’t really want to go home, so his feet ended up carrying him to a door he was all too familiar with. It was only when his hand was hovering over the door of Miles’ apartment door that he hesitated. But not for long. Nick knocked a few times before calling out. “Miles?” He cleared his throat. “It’s me. It’s Nick.”

Miles was sitting on his couch with Scout lying across his lap as they watched Star Wars, a pretty typical night for them. And Miles was more than happy about it. He couldn’t imagine anything more relaxing than watching TV with his dog when he didn’t have to think about work for the rest of the night. At some point he nudged her off of his lap to get up and get himself a beer from the fridge, getting ready to wind down and go to bed in a few hours. He headed to the kitchen and retrieved a bottle from the fridge when he heard a knock at the door. Before he could even wonder who it was, he heard Nick’s voice calling to him. Almost by instinct, Miles went to open it, putting the beer down on the counter as he walked by. “Hey,” he said without hesitation. “Uh, what’s up?” He didn’t want to sound like he minded Nick being there, because he really didn’t, but recent events made him nervous whenever Nick was around now. Miles never knew what was going through his head. “You can come in.”

Nick wasn’t sure why he was there or what he was expecting. He wasn’t sure how to explain why he ended up here of all places or why. So when Miles opened the door, Nick was floored for a moment. “I don’t know.” He swallowed hard and walked through his door. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.” He admitted truthfully, and in his head he knew he was being dramatic. But he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t keep acting like things were okay —- like he was okay —- when clearly it wasn’t. “I’m not okay, Miles. And I know —- I know it’s fucked up that I showed up here.” His head felt dizzy and he felt nauseous and he wasn’t quite sure what to say, but he was trying. “It’s not fair to you. But I can’t… keep doing this.” His voice cracked. “I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I can’t work without seeing him.” His thoughts were running wild, and he dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands to steady himself although it wasn’t working. “I shouldn’t have come here. But I didn’t want to be anywhere else.”

Miles shut the door behind him, and when Nick walked in, Scout jumped off the couch to come greet him. She refrained from jumping (which pleased Miles due to his incessant years of trying to teach her) and Miles snapped his fingers and pointed to his bedroom. “Bed,” he told her simply, and walked her happily trot off as he finally gave Nick his full attention. He was still trying to understand everything Nick was going through, and after last time, having learned he was apparently doing drugs (though Miles didn’t know how often) on top of all the shit he was dealing with, he just wanted to help him. Now Nick was opening up to him, more so than he probably ever had in all the time they’d been friends, and Miles couldn’t help himself. “Hey,” he said, his voice low as his hands found Nick’s shoulders, almost as if to steady him. “You don’t have to be okay. But you’re safe here. He’s not gonna come here.” Miles wasn’t sure if anything he said helped, but it was all he could offer. “You can stay here. If it’s going to help then you can stay here as long as you need to. I don’t mind, Nick.”

Nick would be embarrassed by this on an ordinary day. But this wasn’t an ordinary day, or an ordinary situation. And by the second he could feel himself getting more and more detached from reality. Still, he could tell Miles was grasping onto his shoulders. He allowed his eyes closed and allowed his head to drop some. One of his hands reached out to hold onto one of Miles’ own arms, keeping himself in place as he stood there. “I don’t want to keep feeling like this.” He tightened the grip on his arm. “I’m sorry I’m here. I’m sorry —-“ He shook his head. “I’m not expecting you to fix everything. Or try to.” He took in a shaky sort of breath. “You — you just make me feel safe.”

Miles could tell Nick was off, but he assumed it was because he wasn’t feeling great right now. And part of it probably had something to do with the guilt of having to come here, but Miles really didn’t mind at all. He’d do anything to make sure Nick felt okay. Hearing Nick tell him that he made him feel safe made Miles’ heart swell, but he stayed focused on the situation at hand. “Hey, look at me,” he urged, trying to hold his gaze. “I don’t know how to make the feeling go away but I’ll be with you if you need me to be until the day it does.” He wasn’t sure how else he could help, and he looking around them, thinking of possible solutions. “Do you want to go sit? It might help you relax a little.” He let his arms drop from Nick’s shoulders. He noticed the beer he’d put down and jerked his thumb toward it. “Or I could get you a drink. Whatever you want, man. I know I can’t fix it but…you don’t have to feel sorry for being here. And I’ll do what I can.”

Nick was far from being in his normal state of mind. He hadn’t noticed it at first, but whatever he had taken wasn’t helping him unwind or helping him forget like he intended. Instead, all he could do was remember awful things that he never wanted to think of again. His palms were sweaty, his heart was racing, and he could almost feel the blood racing through his veins and his brain pulsing in his skull. He wasn’t sure if this was just a normal panic attack, but at that moment, he wasn’t in the right state to really care. “I wanna sit.” His words were slightly slurred together, and he continued to hold on to Miles arm. “I don’t feel right.” He finally got out. “Something doesn’t feel right.” He struggled to explain. “In me.”

Miles realized Nick was still holding onto him, only now it was like Nick was actually trying to steady himself. Miles wasn’t confused for a moment, especially when he noticed him getting more visibly disoriented. At Nick’s words, Miles nodded. “Okay, let’s go sit.” He started to lead Nick over to sit down, but his words had Miles stopping. He had no idea what that meant. “What?” He pushed past his nervousness to move his feet again, leading Nick over to sit just as he’d intended, and sat down beside him. “What do you mean?” He paused. “Did something happen again?”

Nick could only shake his head for a moment. He didn’t know what was wrong. This whole night was off, but it was only in the past few minutes that the situation was starting to turn into something else entirely. Blindly, he followed Miles to the couch and fell down to the cushions below him. “I think I took something I shouldn’t have.” He admitted lowly, voice cracking through the words. And ordinarily he wouldn’t admit something that serious so freely, but he wasn’t thinking right. “I feel sick. I’m.” He shook his head, rougher this time. His hand shout out to search for Miles’, grasping onto his friends hand only to pull it up to rest on his chest, above his heart. “Everthing’s going too fast.” His words bled together and his breathing became more labored. “I don’t know what’s happening to me.” His voice got more desperate, but all he could do was hold onto Miles’ hand and try to bring himself back to reality. The only thing was, it wasn’t quite working.

Miles didn’t know what he was expecting. But what Nick said certainly wasn’t it. Miles froze once again, his mouth falling open slightly. He had no experience with this stuff, had no idea how to handle drugs — especially when he knew nothing about them or the effects they had. “What?” he asked, though he’d heard him just fine. “What did you take?” The question was probably a dumb one, but he had to ask anyway. “Nick, what…what was it?” He glanced down at his shorts, eyeing the outline of his phone in his pocket. Should he call 911? What was the protocol here? He considered it again until he felt Nick gripping his hand, heard the desperation in his voice. Miles turned back to him. “You’re…you’re okay,” he assured him. He pulled his hand from Nick’s grasp to put it around his shoulders instead, pulling Nick’s body tightly against his. His other hand went to Nick’s knee, just trying to keep the contact and remind him he was there. “I…what can I do? What do you need?”

Nick shook his head once more, not be able to do much else as a mixture of a dry sob and a laugh escaped his lips. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. Everything was too bright or too loud and his body felt like it was on fire. He hated this —- he hated everything about this. “It was just a pill — just one. It was s’posed to help.” He barely registered it as Miles pulled him closer, but instinctively he turned his head to rest his chin on his shoulder. His hands came up to grip tightly onto the fabric of his shirt. “I don’t know.” His breath was still shaky and labored. “I don’t —- just don’t move. Please.” At that moment, Miles was the one thing that still made sense to him in this state. “Don’t make me leave.” He turned to press his face into his neck as everything seemed to get worse. “I need you.” His voice sounded too loud to his own ears. Everything was loud, at least involving him. He tried to focus on the sound of Miles’ heartbeat instead of his own, but he couldn’t hear it over his breathing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He wanted to get up; he knew somewhere deep down that he should get up. But he couldn’t bring himself to. “I don’t want to die.”

Miles shook his head, mostly to himself. He wasn’t sure if he believed that it was just one, or whatever Nick was trying to pass this off as. But he wasn’t about to argue it. He wanted to do what Nick needed him to, and if that meant not moving right now, then so be it. Miles moved his hand from Nick’s knee to grasp onto his other hand, effectively enveloping Nick and making sure he knew he had him. “You don’t have to leave,” he promised. Nick’s face was pressed into his neck and Miles tilted his head to rest it on top of Nick’s. “You’ve got me.” He almost wanted to laugh at that, but definitely not enough. It didn’t overpower the fear he felt, and that Nick probably did too. “You won’t. You’re not going to. I have you, I promise. I won’t let you go.”

Nick wasn’t thinking clearly, that much was obvious. But he knew he wanted to stop feeling like this. For the first time in a long time, he wished he hadn’t taken anything at all. Nick wasn’t sure how to calm down, but he knew he wanted Miles there. So when his friend grasped onto his other hand and fully embraced him, Nick leaned further into him. He nodded against Miles’ neck, trying to show that he was listening. He breathed in deeply, trying to focus on the sound of his voice. “I love you.” He grasped Miles’ hand tighter as he tried to speak, not knowing much else in that moment but the truth. “I love you so much. Miles.” His voice was still quiet and cracked, sounding as miserable as he felt. “I fucked up. I’m sorry. I’m just… so sorry.” He wasn’t sure for what, but he couldn’t help but feel sorry for everything. For what happened with Jude. For being here. For always sucking Miles into some sort of bullshit. “This has never happened to me before.”

Miles thought that maybe he didn’t need to say anything else. Maybe he had helped. Nick was quiet now, holding onto him and breathing deeply, possibly regaining control of his breathing and able to think straight finally. Except for the fact that he decided to drop a bomb that had Miles’ heart instantly pounding in his chest. He knew Nick was literally on drugs at the moment, that he wasn’t really himself, but hearing those words from his mouth had Miles feeling dizzy himself. He felt like he shouldn’t move. Like he would shatter the moment, disturb the way he was currently feeling. Nick was apologizing then, still needing his help, but Miles’ mind was racing. He lifted his head so that he could reposition it, turning to press his lips to the top of Nick’s head instead. He couldn’t help himself. Not after hearing that. “Fuck. I love you,” he breathed in response. It was involuntary. He’d already known it, but saying it out loud now was necessary. Was this it? Did this mean Nick was going to give it a chance? He couldn’t be sure, but he was going to take it…and call Lily tomorrow. “Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you’re here.”

Nick didn’t think about how wrong it was or him to say those words. He wasn’t thinking of the repercussions. All he was thinking of was trying to get past whatever was happening to him, and getting closer to the comforting presence he’d deemed Miles as. It was selfish of him, maybe. But so was him coming over to begin with. Nick felt the kiss that was laid on the top of his head, and for the first time in weeks the thought of lips on his skin didn’t immediately repulse him. Instead, the gesture was a comforting one. And hearing him speak — hearing him say he loved him, it helped him to focus on Miles instead of on what was happening with his body. It made him hold onto him tighter, and he tilted his head so he could attempt to brush his own lips against the skin of Miles’ neck in order to show him that he was listening to him. Or at least listening to him the best he was able to right now. His movements were still shaky, though, and it would likely seem like more of an accidental bump of his lips than anything else. “Can we just… stay like this for awhile?” He breathed, and there was another apology on his lips, but it was overshadowed by the other words he need to say. “Just… until it stops.”

Miles knew he shouldn’t let himself feel the way he was. Nick likely didn’t have a clue what he was saying. But Miles told himself that there had to be some truth to it; words spoken under the influence were sober thoughts, after all, so of course he was telling the truth. Miles didn’t want to think too much about it. He just wanted to be here, to feel his presence and bask in the glow of Nick loving him and loving him just as much in return. The feeling was indescribable. He felt like everything was finally fitting together. He closed his eyes when he felt Nick turn and awkwardly move his nose and lips along Miles’ neck, like he were accepting what Miles said. Miles tightened his grip around him. “We can stay here all night,” he said, and he meant it. “You tell me if you need anything.” It felt nice to be there for him. To take care of him. Miles found himself thinking that he’d do this an infinite amount of times if it meant he could keep hearing Nick tell him he loved him.

Nick meant every word he was saying. For once, he wasn’t thinking about what could happen or the negatives to being this upfront without being prepared to give Miles what he needed. He wasn’t thinking about any outside factors. All he could focus on was Miles and the things he was feeling. At Miles’ words, Nick found himself nodding slowly, not even bothering to move his head from its spot. “Thank you.” His voice felt hoarse as he spoke out. He threaded his fingers through Miles’ and leaned into him heavily. He wasn’t able to really convey how much it meant to him that he was there. But it meant a lot.

#CANON #when i'm with you i'm alright #current verse #drugs tw

[nilesarchives]

It’s Nick’s Birthday (and He’ll Cry If He Wants To) ― CANON. (current verse)

Memories of Jude in his bedroom keep Nick from being able to go out on his birthday, so Miles joins him in his apartment instead. Upon trying to retrieve Nick’s jacket from his room for him, Miles accidentally ends up finding the pills Nick takes, leading him to discover Nick does drugs. But he lets it go for the sake of Nick’s birthday. TW for mentions of sexual assault and drug use.

Nick had always loved birthdays. Whether it be his or somebody else’s. He loved the excitement of it and the idea of celebrating another year of not dying. He usually had a lot of fun on Birthdays. Today, though, he couldn’t quite grasp onto his normal level of Birthday optimism. There were certain traditions and plans that he couldn’t just drop, though. At least not without people asking him what was wrong or trying to pry him for details. Thankfully, this year, he hadn’t planned much. The first half of the day was spent with family, and now he was at his apartment waiting for Miles’ to come over so they could both go out. He didn’t want to tell him that he wasn’t particularly excited about it, because they’d just started to actually hang out again. Nick felt comfortable with him, and while he didn’t necessarily want to go out and hang out with people, he didn’t mind hanging out with him. So Miles’ was on his way, and he knew it’d be okay. The only problem was that it was getting colder, and he was not one to handle weather changes well. He needed to grab his jacket before they headed out; he knew he needed to so Miles wouldn’t question him in leaving the apartment in just a T-shirt when it was as cool as it was. If only the last place he left it wasn’t strewn across a chair in his room. He still hadn’t managed to make himself go in there yet, and his first instinct was to just say fuck it and go out without the jacket and just deal with the potential questions. He knew he had to suck it up, though. He was being dramatic, and fucking stupid. And he’d already been stupid when he freaked out on Miles. So he found himself slowly making his way towards his room, his heart beating familiarly in his chest as he did so. When he reached the closed door, he hovered his hand over the doorknob for a moment before slowly twisting it open. And seeing the room again instantly made him feel sick again. He had to close his eyes for a second and will himself not to be stupid again and turn away. Making his mind up, he straightened up and walked further in, planning on heading straight to the chair and grabbing his jacket off. And he was doing just that, eyes narrowed on the jacket and the jacket alone. And just when he reached out to grab the jacket, he spotted something on the desk in front of him and promptly froze. It was some dumb shirt that Jude had borrowed weeks ago and brought back that night. On Halloween. And Nick had never wanted to tear up something with his own hands so badly — but instead, he felt his breathing pick up rapidly and his hands begin to shake again. Without thinking to grab the jacket, he was turning sharply on his heel and striding out of the room, slamming the door sharply behind him. Shaking his head, he tried to compose himself, although whatever good mood he’d been in was now gone. Keeping his head down, he walked straight to the counter that had his phone, and picked it up —- texting Miles without even giving it a second thought. ‘I don’t think I can go out tonight.’

Miles was still reeling since the last time he’d seen Nick. It was odd to even think that that had happened to anyone close to him, let alone his best friend. And he wasn’t even there for him until days later because of their constant stupid fights. Miles really didn’t want anything like that to have to happen again — for something terrible to happen while they weren’t communicating for some ridiculous reason. Miles had reluctantly left the next morning, and they were in constant contact since then, which was helpful. And now they were going to go out for Nick’s birthday just like they always did. It was going to be okay, and normal. Just…different. But maybe different was okay. It didn’t have to be the same as it always was. Miles didn’t know what he was expecting as he neared the apartment. He was feeling a little more nervous this time around, probably because the last time he’d seen him Nick had pretty much been a nervous wreck. And Miles wasn’t blaming him, of course; but he had no idea what he would see on the other side of the door. Before Miles could even get that far, though, he got what he didn’t expect: a text from Nick, cancelling on him. Miles’ brow furrowed in confusion. Had something come up? He was close enough to Nick’s place now that he could talk to him about it there rather than over text. At least, he hoped so. Worst case scenarios flashed through Miles’ mind as he got to the door and knocked. Maybe Jude had shown up and Nick couldn’t leave. Unlikely, sure; but not impossible, and it made Miles anxious as he waited. “It’s me,” he called through the door. “D’you wanna talk?”

Nick would feel guilty about this later on, after all was said and done. But right now he felt cornered. He felt like he was being picked apart and judged — something he didn’t want to feel from Miles of all people. After everything that happened, he didn’t want to feel like someone who had to be Mothered. He just wanted to feel like things were normal.  set his phone down shortly after texting Miles, turning away from the counter as he did so and running a hand through his hair. He knew in his heart he was overreacting, but he couldn’t stop himself. He wanted things to go back to normal; he didn’t want to be like this. But the idea of having to go out at that moment was just as bad as going back in the room. He didn’t want to admit it, but in the back of his mind he still felt like he could run into Jude at any given moment. And that possibility terrified him. Taking a moment to calm himself down, Nick wasn’t expecting to hear a knock at his door. Jumping at the sound, he froze for a moment before hearing the sound of Miles’ voice. Clearing his throat, he willed himself to pull it together. “Yeah — one second.” He called back, hoping the shakiness he felt wasn’t audible in his voice. Walking towards the door, he unlatched the door before pulling it open and silently holding it open for Miles to come in. “Nothings wrong.” He said quietly. “I’m okay — I just don’t think I can go out tonight. I just—” he shook his head. “If you still want to, Murphy’s getting off work soon. Maybe he could go instead.”

Miles was relieved to hear Nick’s voice, to know whatever was going on wasn’t as bad as his mind was telling him it could have been. He breathed a sigh of relief just as Nick opened the door to let him in. All looked fine as far as Miles could see. “I’m not going out without you on your birthday,” Miles insisted. That would have been a total dick move. “What…what changed your mind?” He had a feeling, and he didn’t want to push sensitive topics, but he figured he should ask anyway. Nick would tell him anything he was willing to say. “Nothing happened, right? No one came here or anything?” Not that it was any of his business. But it sort of was now. He thought he was kind of a part of this by now.

Nick: Nick wasn’t even processing that it was Birthday anymore. It didn’t even matter, he just didn’t want to have to go out. He wasn’t really sure what he wanted, but he knew it wasn’t that. “That doesn’t matter, wouldn’t hold it against you.” He said absentmindedly as the door fell shut behind the. Nick shook his head at the question, not quite sure how to answer that. “I don’t… I just don’t feel like it. Nothing happened. Not really.” He knew Miles was worried, and he didn’t necessarily want to talk, but he knew his friend was paranoid. “No one came here.” He answered, trying to weigh what he should and shouldn’t say before deciding. “I tried to go in my room again.” He tried to explain plainly without letting too much emotion overwhelm him or get in the way. He didn’t want to freak out on Miles again. “I thought I could go in there. And I thought I could go out tonight, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Miles shook his head. “No. It’s not right.” He wasn’t going to budge on that, that was for sure. “Okay. It’s fine. We don’t have to go out.” He really didn’t care. It was tradition, sure, but sometimes more important things came up. And what could he do about it? It wasn’t like he’d have fun without Nick anyway. Upon hearing he’d tried to go into his room again, Miles understood, and he felt himself deflate a little bit. He just felt…bad. Not bad for him, he didn’t pity him or anything shitty like that. He just wanted to help him and he wasn’t sure how. “Oh. Okay, well, uh…did you need something specific in there?” he tried. “I could get it for you. We still don’t have to go out but I can get it anyway.”

Nick nodded at that, truth be told barely paying attention to the conversation. He’d already made his mind up that he was staying in tonight, and it wasn’t anything like he’d done on past Birthdays, but things were different now. Everything felt different; wrong. “I’m sorry, man. Maybe sometime soon, okay?” It was a halfhearted offer, and he wasn’t completely sure he’d be able to fulfill it anytime soon, but he’d try to get it together. He didn’t want to be scared to go out places, or to his room. He never liked feeling scared. The fact that that’s all he’d been feeling lately made him feel disgusted with himself. “I just wanted my jacket. It’s on the back of my chair.” He eventually said. “If you don’t mind… I need it. It’s getting cold.” Though truth be told that was only half of the reason he wanted his jacket back so bad. “If you don’t want to go out, you could always stay here with me.” He tried to smile at him. “Can’t guarantee it’ll be any fun for you though.”

Miles nodded. “Yeah. Sometime soon.” He didn’t know how serious that was, but it was the thought that counted. He couldn’t expect Nick to do anything for him. He was going through some shit and Miles was going to respect that. Nick explained the whole jacket thing and Miles nodded. “Got it. No worries, man.” It was the absolute least he could do. “Yeah, I’ll stay here, sure. Let me go get that jacket first, though.” He gave Nick a smile before heading toward his room, opening the door and going in like it was nothing. Because for him it wasn’t, and that was the strangest part. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that someone had made Nick genuinely afraid to enter a room. Miles looked around, of course not feeling any different, but even visualizing what went down in there made him slightly nauseous, and he shook his head. Fuck Jude. The guy could burn in hell for all Miles cared. He was pulled from his thoughts when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Miles checked it, only to find a text from Lily, checking to see that they were still meeting up. Oh shit. Lily was supposed to be a part of this whole birthday celebration too. Nick was being so nice about it all, even letting Miles bring her along to his own birthday. And now Miles was about to ruin it by simply sighing out loud at the message and putting the phone back into his pocket. Lily would understand — he hoped. Nick needed him right now. Miles tried to push it out of his mind by going to get the jacket instead. He wanted to get back to Nick, to solve this whole issue of Nick’s night by just giving him the damn thing, so Miles yanked it off the chair forcefully. When he did, he must have sent something flying out of the pocket, because he heard something hit the floor with a quiet thump. “Whoops,” he said to himself, turning to retrieve whatever it was he dropped. He scanned the floor and his eyes landed on…a plastic baggie? Miles bent down to pick it up and upon closer inspection, he noticed there were pills inside. That was…strange. He wasn’t sure what to make of it at first. He picked up the baggie and examined it in his hand, thinking that this probably wasn’t just ibuprofen in Nick’s pocket in case he got a headache. He didn’t know if he should be confronting him right now, especially about something that might end up being no big deal, but that didn’t stop him from exiting the bedroom holding it, stopping in the doorway. “What’s this?” he asked directly.

Nick now he felt cornered. He felt like he was being picked apart and judged — something he didn’t want to feel from Miles of all people. After everything that happened, he didn’t want to feel like someone who had to be Mothered. He just wanted to feel like things were normal. couldn’t help but feel guilty about everything. The fact that Miles was here putting up with his bullshit was one reason. Nick had never felt more weak in his life — being too scared to go into a simple room or go out to a bar was pathetic. He knew it was pathetic, and he hated the fact that Miles kept seeing him like this even if he was being nice about it. Nick didn’t want to have to rely on him; he knew he shouldn’t rely on him. But he needed his jacket. Or more specifically, he needed what was in the pockets. He was hoping that the contents would help him get through the night, and now he felt like he needed them even more than before. So even if he felt slightly bad about sending in Miles to retrieve it, he didn’t feel guilty enough to stop him. He wanted his jacket, but it felt like he needed it. Planning on slipping away to the bathroom with his jacket once Miles came back, Nick anxiously waited, tapping his foot in an offbeat rhythm as he did so. He looked up as Miles came out, expecting to see the familiar jacket in his arms. Instead, his eyes fell upon a familiar baggie and his blood ran cold. Nick froze, and almost as though it were second nature, his defenses kicked in. “Why do you have that?” He replied sharply, shoulders tensing. “Did you go through my pockets while you were in there or what?”

Miles watched the way Nick’s expression changed, how seeing what was in Miles’ hand completely shifted the mood. If that didn’t tell him something sketchy was going on then he wasn’t sure what would. “It fell out when I picked the jacket up,” he explained. It was the truth, of course, and whether Nick chose to believe it or not was up to him. Miles maintained eye contact. “What is this, Nick?” he asked again.

Nick was overly defensive, but he didn’t think this would ever happen. He was always so careful. He thought he’d shoved it so deep in his pocket that it couldn’t just fall out that easily, but apparently he was wrong. His heart now hammering in his chest for another reason, he squared his shoulders. “What’s it look like, Miles? They’re pills.” He wasn’t going to say what kind. He didn’t need to know. Nick outstretched his hand. “I need them, okay? It’s not a big deal. Just give them to me.”

Miles eyed him carefully. Did Nick really have a drug problem he had no idea about? Was he really that clueless? Or Nick was just that good at hiding it. He glanced down at Nick’s outstretched hand, but he dropped his own hand down to his side, still holding the pills tightly in his fist. “Need them for what?” he asked. “What kind of pills are they?” It may not have been his business before, but now it was. He didn’t care much about prying if this was an actual issue. “If it’s not a big deal then I think you can tell me.”

Nick was getting angry. Not necessarily at Miles, but at everything. This whole day, this whole shitty year. The fact that Miles had Nick’s pills clutched in his hand like he was his Mother finding porn under his bed. “Does it matter?” He said sharply. “It’s not a big deal. I just take them when I’m stressed, or whatever.” They were uppers, things he’d gotten from someone he’d loosely called friend for years who specialized in that sort of thing. He wasn’t really lying to him. He did take them when he was stressed, he just left out all the other times he took them when he felt he needed them. “Stop treating me like I’m six. I know what I’m doing. You’re not my Dad, dude.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. Who cares?“

Miles couldn’t say he was surprised by Nick getting snippy with him. Miles was completely invading his privacy but he wasn’t sure if he should care about that or not. This was definitely cause for concern. At least for him. “That’s bullshit, Nick.” He wasn’t angry, and was trying to keep his voice level. He was just…nervous, really. He didn’t know anything about this stuff. “I’m not treating you like your six. But the fact that you had to hide this from me tells me it’s probably more than what you’re letting on.” He looked down at the baggie in his hand. “I care,” he said simply. “I care what happens to you.”

Nick shook his head as Miles spoke, set to argue. He didn’t want to get into this. He didn’t want to give Miles more of a reason to treat him like he was a mess. At that moment, he wished they could go back to the way things used to be so badly. When Miles didn’t know things about him he didn’t want anyone to know. When they were friends who just hung out and had fun and made stupid jokes. "What, do I have to tell you everything? Are you my husband now too or something?” He reached out his hand again, not giving up. “Well, you need to stop. Stop worrying about me. I fucked up the other night. But I’m fine. Just give me my stuff and let it go. Please.”

Miles could fight it and keep them away from Nick, but he didn’t see that doing any good right now. Especially when Nick was getting even more defensive with him. Miles raised his eyebrows at that, feeling completely taken aback. “I—” He didn’t even know how to respond to that. Uncalled for, sure; but he didn’t feel like he should hold anything Nick said against him right now. So even though it stung when it really shouldn’t, he ignored it, instead lifting the baggie to place it in Nick’s outstretched hand. “Consider it forgotten,” he lied, following up by handing him the jacket as well.

Nick would feel guilty about this later on, after all was said and done. But right now he felt cornered. He felt like he was being picked apart and judged — something he didn’t want to feel from Miles of all people. After everything that happened, he didn’t want to feel like someone who had to be Mothered. He just wanted to feel like things were normal. Seeing Miles give up on the argument caused him to deflate slightly, and he slowly wrapped his fingers around the baggie before letting it fall back to his side. He reached out to grab his jacket with the other arm. “I know you think you have to look out for me. But I’m okay.” He was trying to be okay. “You need to worry about yourself. And Scout.” He paused for a second. “And Lily. Okay?” He swallowed. “I’m sorry for being a dick — just. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Miles exhaled, folding his arms across his chest. “I already said it’s forgotten. So you don’t have to look after me now. I know where my priorities lie.” He didn’t need Nick to tell him who he should be looking out for. Especially because Nick apparently wasn’t fond of Miles’ true preferences. “Fine with me.” He uncrossed his arms to take off his own coat. “Now let’s let it go like you said. Let’s start Stranger Things over again since we didn’t focus on it last time.” It wasn’t their usual birthday tradition, but this year it would have to do. “I hope Murphy isn’t too let down.”

#CANON #nick's birthday #current verse #sexual assault tw #drugs tw

[nilesarchives]

The One With the Pajama Pants ― CANON. (current verse)

Nick tells Miles what happened with Jude. Miles is there for him and, seeing Nick more vulnerable than he’s ever seen him before, comes to a not-so-shocking realization. TW for mentions of sexual assault.

Beginning was lost in the realm of Chatzy. Miles showed up at Nick’s place and immediately noticed Nick was acting strangely. He didn’t comment on it and they decided to catch up on Stranger Things together. Miles, ready for a sleepover, asked if Nick still had his Power Ranger pajama pants that he could borrow. Nick agreed, and sent him off to get them from his room as he didn’t want to retrieve them himself.

Nick shook his head. “Nah, I don’t blame you. I know you love it.” And so did he, although he wasn’t feeling particularly excited about it this year. “She could have come too. You know she’s always invited.” He’d always loved Scout. Petting her was always calming; dogs were awesome that way. “Welcome.” He replied quietly as he took the remote in his hand and turned the volume up a little, although it wasn’t playing just yet. After a moment he heard Miles calling back to him, and he twisted his body a little so he could hear him better. “Yeah, I don’t know where else they’d be. I put them there last.” His brow furrowed, and at his friends next question, his heart began to beat heavily in his chest of his own accord. “It’s the bottom drawer, Miles, I don’t know why I need to show you that.” He wasn’t trying to be rude, but god, he didn’t know if he could muster the will to go in there. Still, he stood, taking only a few steps toward the bedroom doors before pausing where he stood. “If you cant find them, you can wear something else. I don’t care what.”

Miles knew he was probably just missing them or something, and more than that he knew that there was plenty to choose from, but he was stubborn. That was a fact Nick knew well, so he couldn’t really expect Miles to give up on Power Ranger pajamas if that was what he wanted. At Nick’s tone, though, Miles found himself leaning back again, slightly caught off guard. And though Nick was now up and coming closer, he wouldn’t come in. Miles couldn’t help but notice. He himself stood, standing so he could see Nick better through the doorway. “I was just making sure,” he said, keeping his voice level. The last thing he needed to happen was a fight about pajama pants. He was calm, but Nick didn’t seem to be. “I’ll wear something else, alright? It’s fine.” He watched Nick carefully, narrowing his eyes at him. “It’s fine, right?”

Nick wasn’t trying to be rude, but denial was the first reaction that took over. He felt frozen as he stood there. He hadn’t been in his room since Halloween, and he just wasn’t sure if he’d be able to now. His heart was racing and his hands suddenly felt shaky although they were still hidden in his sweater. Hearing Miles’ voice though, Nick tried to take a few steps closer so that he was standing closer to the threshold. Trying to get close enough so that Miles didn’t suspect anything, but trying to keep his distance so his heart didn’t pound out of his chest. He kept his eyes to the floor, until he heard Miles a little more clearly and knew he was looking towards him. “It’s fine.” He reiterated, and to prove it, he glanced up. And that’s where he went wrong. Although he thought he’d just be able to focus on Miles, his attention was immediately taken by the sight of his room. Completely untouched since Halloween, like nothing had changed. But everything had changed, and bile rose in his throat as his eyes floated around his room as though of their own control. And he could see everything the way it happened on Halloween. He could feel himself being pushed against his closet door all over again; could feel his forearm and shoulder colliding against the dresser as he’d tried to break away. He could still see the items that had fallen from the top of the dresser strewn haphazardly on his floor. All of that made him sick. But when he saw his bed; the covers bunched up and thrown to the ground, he was woken up from his daze by the feeling of his chest tightening as he gasped for breath and turned his head to look away. He turned his back and placed a hand on the hallway wall; away from his room and away from his friend who was still standing in it. He closed his eyes tightly, and he could feel them burning underneath his lids. Nick tried to regulate his breathing and tried to calm down, but even if he wasn’t looking anymore, he could still see it. “I’m fine.” He muttered again, hand still on the wall to steady himself. “Just find something. Please.”

Miles It was sudden. That was really the only way Miles could explain it. One second Nick was staring at the floor, the next he looked like he wasn’t even there anymore. Miles watched with wide eyes for a moment, then his instincts kicked in and he took a few steps forward. He reached out carefully, wanting to do something, but the problem was he didn’t know what to do. “Nick?” he said, probably to get his attention, because the other looked completely out of it, stumbling back and having to hold the wall. He looked like he was about to pass out. Miles finally went to him, trying to understand what was going on so that he could help him. “Nick, what’s wrong?” he said quietly, trying to bring Nick’s focus back to him. “Hey, look at me. What’s going on?” He placed a tentative hand on Nick’s shoulder. “What happened?”

Nick barely heard his name being called, although he knew Miles was there. But it was like he couldn’t focus anything other than the feeling of his chest constricting and the sound of his heart racing in his ears. Swallowing thickly, Nick shook his head back and fourth for a moment, until he felt the hand clasping on his shoulder, causing him to jerk away instinctively. He didn’t mean to, but at that moment, all he could think about was someone else entirely grabbing at his shoulders, and his arms. And it made him nauseous. He didn’t want to compare Miles to him. He knew he wasn’t him; he never would be. “I can’t go in there, Miles.” His voice cracked, and he still had his back turned towards him. “I can’t, okay? If you want to come out here, we can try to talk.” He swallowed again. “But I’m not going on there.”

Miles was at a loss for words. He was more confused than anything, failing to understand why Nick was refusing to go into his own bedroom. Miles glanced over his own shoulder, just to be sure that it was in fact Nick’s bedroom they were talking about here. There was clearly something fucked up going on here. Miles nodded slowly, stepping out of the room — and closing the door behind him for good measure. He wanted to help, but he made a mental note not to force anything. This was obviously something difficult for Nick to process, and he had to let him go at his own pace. “Do you want to go sit down?” Miles offered. He’d never seen Nick like this before in his life, and that was saying something; they’d been friends for a long, long time. “You don’t have to go in there.” He gestured back toward the couch. “Let’s go sit.” He made his way over there first, watching Nick carefully, as if he were going to break if Miles took his eyes off of him. “You…you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But let’s just relax.”

Nick stood there frozen for a moment before finally opening his eyes and staring at the open living room facing him. He focused on breathing still, trying to calm himself down although he was clearly passed the point of being discreet about it. “I don’t know.” He said as he shook his head. His anxiety was lessening some now that he wasn’t looking into his room anymore, but it was still undeniably present. His eyes cautiously followed Miles across the room as the man made his way to the couch. And although Nick wasn’t sure if he should sit or stand or walk in that moment, after a minute he found himself walking towards both Miles and the couch. He didn’t dare look back over his shoulder, afraid of what he might see even if he knew there was no one there. Slowly, he settled down on the edge of the couch facing Miles. “I can’t —” he started, words breaking off as he shook his head and closed his eyes once more. “I can’t go in there.” He reiterated once more, cracking his eyes open. And almost as though making his mind up, he reached out to grasp onto Miles arm. He hadn’t touched anyone since it happened, but suddenly he felt the need to reach out. “I want to. Talk.” He struggled to speak and calm his mind at the same time. “But I can’t — I don’t know if I can.”

Miles listened, staying silent, because right now that was the only thing he could do. He had no idea what was going on and if he was even going to begin to try and help Nick, he would have to hear him out. “You don’t have to go in there,” Miles repeated. He would keep telling him as long as he seemed to need to hear it. Miles looked down at Nick’s hand on his arm. He didn’t think much about it and lifted his other hand to rest on top of Nick’s. It seemed like the best thing to do at this point. “Well,” Miles started, thinking of some way he may be able to help. “Did…something happen?” He didn’t know what he could ask without it being considered prying, but he wanted to help Nick talk if that was what he needed to do. “Did something happen in your room?”

Nick glanced down at Miles’ hand as it rested on top of his own, and the contact helped him to focus on the fact that he wasn’t in his room anymore. He wasn’t with /him/. He was with Miles. Having him touch him when he couldn’t see him was alarming, but this — knowing it’s Miles and actually seeing him. That helped him. But he could still feel his hands shake slightly; could feel his eyes burn and his throat tighten with disgust and a sadness he couldn’t quite shake. So he couldn’t speak. Instead, all he could do was close his eyes again to blink away the unshed tears, and nod slowly. He took a heavy breath, and . Nick: He took a heavy breath, but this time he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes. Instead, he tightened his grip on Miles’ arm, as though that would give him back some of the strength he was currently lacking. And finally, he managed to breathe out one word. “Jude.”

Miles knew he had to be patient, knew that this would take time. But he was itching to know what was bothering Nick so much, solely because he wanted to help him. He waited, watching him, the silence around them making the air feel heavy. Finally, with his eyes closed and hands shaking, Nick managed to tell him a name. Miles stopped. His eyes narrowed as he took it in, going over it in his head again and again. “Jude?” Miles repeated, leaning forward a bit to get closer, as if he hadn’t heard correctly the first time. He wished he hadn’t. “Jude hurt you?” It made his blood boil, just the thought of it. But he still wasn’t sure entirely what was going on. “What did he do?”

Nick wished he could stop. He wished he could stop his hands from shaking and his mind from remembering what had happened. He wished they could just watch Stranger Things and joke around like everything was fine. But it wasn’t, and Miles knew that now. So he had to tell him. Nick wanted to tell him, on some level. He wanted to be honest with him. The problem was, he hadn’t told anybody yet. He was still trying to process it himself. He nodded again, inhaling sharply through his nose. “Halloween.” He began again, knowing he wasn’t making much sense, but he was trying. “He was over, we were going to go to a party. But he…” He broke off briefly. “That’s not what he wanted.” He shut his eyes tighter still, because he didn’t want to cry. Jude had already taken everything else, he didn’t want to cry for him too. “I had to go get my jacket, and he followed me.” He could feel his shoulders shudder as he remembered it. “I tried to tell him no.” His voice cracked again, and he hated himself for it, but he could feel a tear slip out of the corner of his eye. Angrily, he reached up with his free hand to rub it away. “I told him no.” He shook his head, and finally he gathered the strength to open his eyes and look at Miles. Probably one of the only people who wouldn’t judge him. “But he didn’t listen.”

Miles was completely caught off guard by what he was hearing. At first he wasn’t quite understanding. But the more Nick spoke, the more realization began to sink in. Miles felt his blood run cold when it hit him what exactly had happened. Nick didn’t need to come right out and say it. He wished he were kidding. He wished that Nick would tell him this was all just a really fucked up joke, but that moment never came. Miles was frozen for a few moments, just sitting still with his hand on top of Nick’s and his gaze holding his. But the look in Nick’s eyes was enough to get him unstuck from that position. “Nick,” he tried to say, but it was all breathy, and a shaky breath at that. He shook his head in disbelief. “Nick, I…I’m so fucking sorry.” He didn’t know what else he could say, had no idea how to help. How could he fix this? How could he get rid of all the fear and shame Nick was probably feeling? Without thinking any more about it, Miles leaned forward the pulled Nick to him. He didn’t want to startle him, but if it were him, he’d want someone he trusted to be there to remind him he was safe. And that was just what he wanted Nick to know.

Nick felt physically sick saying it out loud, even without outright saying it. He felt so pathetic, and he wasn’t sure if he was more angry at Jude, or himself for letting it happen. He couldn’t help but feel like there was something he could have done to stop it, or that he could have fought him harder. He wished he could have been stronger, so he wouldn’t have to be here now. Acting even more pathetic and having a panic attack over a room. Nick could hear Miles speak, but he wasn’t really sure what to say. He could see in his face that he felt sorry for him, and he hated it when people pitied him. But he couldn’t not tell him. And Nick didn’t want to admit it, but he needed him. Especially now. He wasn’t sure if he would have been able to tell anyone else, because as much as Miles probably felt bad for him, he didn’t judge him. He listened. Nick wasn’t fully expecting it when Miles brought him in for a hug, and he froze for a moment. But he didn’t pull away this time. Slowly, Nick wound his arms around him and leaned his head down to press his face against his shoulder. As much as he was embarrassed, Nick needed this. He knew he needed this. “We were friends.” He murmured. “I didn’t — I trusted him.” He breathed in shakily. “And now I can’t go in my own fucking room.”

Miles sat with his arms around him, squeezing his own eyes shut. He didn’t feel like he was going to cry, but his emotions were overwhelming him at the moment. He was torn between feeling devastated that something like that had happened to Nick, feeling like a helpless friend, and wanting to track down and murder Jude on the spot. Seriously — what an absolute scumbag. Miles had been absolutely right to think badly of him from the beginning, even if he’d initially given him absolutely no reason to. He was no good for Nick. Nick deserved better. Better than…this. Shame and pain and literal sexual assault. Even in his head it made him wince, and Miles pulled away. “Did you…did you report it? Fuck, Nick, we–we have to tell somebody. The police.” He shook his head, running an anxious hand through his hair. “Have you even gone to the hospital? Don’t they need to, like, check you for stuff? Like, fuck, you don’t even know this guy.” He went back to looking into Nick’s eyes, his thoughts moving faster than he could voice them. “We need to go get him locked up or some shit. He can’t just get away with this. He can’t use you like that and throw you away and get to go on and live his life. He can’t, Nick, he can’t.” He stood up then, pacing away a few steps. “You don’t get to be afraid of going into your own room. I’m gonna fix this.” He stopped, staring at the floor, pausing to catch his breath. He needed to calm down. This wasn’t doing anyone any good. Jude wasn’t even here for him to take his anger out on. He looked at Nick from where he stood, slumping his shoulders. “I’m gonna fix this, Nick, I swear.”

Nick held on to him, reminding himself that Jude wasn’t there anymore. It was just Miles. Not some guy who he hung out with sometimes. This was his best friend, someone that was safe. The only problem was that not everybody else was safe, and apparently Nick couldn’t always distinguish who was and who wasn’t. When Miles pulled away, Nick zipped up his hoodie all the way, needing something to do with his hands. Something to distract himself. It didn’t do much good, however, especially when Miles started to talk like that. Nick started to shake his head, Miles’ questions doing nothing but overwhelming him and making his heart race again. “Miles, no.” He still shook his head, though his voice was as firm as he could make it in that moment. “No cops.” He swallowed. No, he didn’t go to them. And no, he didn’t get checked. He didn’t want to say it, but at the time, he’d been too scared to. “I didn’t do any of that, okay? And what good is it if I did?” He could feel more angry tears slip out, only this time he didn’t bother to brush them away. “What the fuck are the cops going to do? I have no evidence, not really. It’s my word against his, Miles. And as far as I know, he has a pretty good reputation.” If Nick believed that he was a good guy, chances are everybody else did too. “And you know what people will say. That I’m just some fag — that I probably liked it.” He nearly gagged through his words. “That I wanted him to.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “No one is going to help me, Miles. No one can help me.” He let out a thick, humorless laugh. “You can’t help me. I know you want to, but you can’t fix everything all the time. You can’t fix me, okay?”

Miles paced again, this time going back and forth as he listened to Nick talk. He had a point. The system was pretty fucked up when it came to shit like this, and Miles couldn’t see Nick getting any sort of justice he deserved, like Jude having to pay for his actions. From what he understood it would be a whole lot of fighting for a shitty outcome. And who was he to tell Nick what to do? Nick, who was in his most vulnerable state and needed a friend, someone to be there for him, and all Miles could think about was getting him to report it. He sighed heavily, going back to sit down where he had been before. He was stunned by Nick’s words, about what people would say about him, and he quickly shook his head. “They wouldn’t say that. Nobody would say that.” He placed his hand on Nick’s forearm. “The people who matter certainly aren’t going to.” He swallowed, shaking his head again. “Maybe I can’t fix it. But I can help you. And I’m going to help you.” He paused. “I don’t need to fix you. You’re not broken.” He tugged on Nick’s arm until it was no longer crossed and he could get a grip on his hand. “He didn’t break you. He doesn’t decide where you go from here. You do. We do,” he promised. “I’m not gonna leave you. You know you’ve got me.”

Nick watched as Miles paced back and fourth. Deep down he knew he was just trying to help him and that he was concerned. But the idea of going to the police, of having to spend more time on Jude, and possibly having to see him again — it didn’t sit well. At all. When Miles sat back down, Nick turned his head back to look at him. “You don’t know that. I didn’t think Jude would…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. “I didn’t think he’d do that. Apparently people surprise you.” He couldn’t help but be cynical, even if he knew Miles was right. Miles wouldn’t think that. Murphy wouldn’t. But Nick couldn’t shake the feeling nonetheless. But as Miles continued, Nick was almost taken aback by the determination in his voice. And for a split second, Nick let himself believe him. Without saying anything at first, Nick gripped his hand back tightly. He could feel himself choking up again, but for an entirely different reason. There were so many different things he could say at that moment, but he said the first thing he could. “I’m sorry.” He choked out, still squeezing his hand. “For all the bullshit we went through. That I put you through. You have every right not to be here right now.” But he still was. “Thank you.” He cleared his throat. Nick wasn’t sure if he believed in what Miles was saying, but he wanted to. And that was good enough for right now. “I know… I’m not good right now. But you got me too.”

Miles shook as head like he were trying to rid himself of certain thoughts. “Don’t talk about him right now. He doesn’t matter.” It was true; he didn’t. He was scum and if Miles ever happened across him again, he’d have a word with him then. For now, it was about Nick. He looked down at their hands, thinking of all the implications. He was showing Nick that he was there for him in all senses of the phrase. He’d always be there. He wanted to be there, all the time, no matter what. Whenever Nick felt like this he wanted to be there right away, to just do this: comfort him. Help him. Be the one person he needed in that moment and all the moments following. Nick was speaking to him, and Miles was listening—oh, he listened—but he didn’t look up. He let the words sink in. It was true. It was bullshit. It was all bullshit. Miles could’ve taken the easy way out. When Nick had told him ages ago that he couldn’t give Miles what he wanted, couldn’t be who he needed him to be, Miles could have walked away. He could have given up on it. But instead he persisted, his stubborn, annoying self constantly pushing Nick’s buttons to get him to say what he wanted him to hear, and there was always a reason for that. From the very first moment he realized things were different, they only progressed. And now, though Nick was right and Miles could and probably should be anywhere else at the moment, he was here, and happy to be, because, fuck, he loved him. Miles looked up when Nick was done speaking and it was all he could do not to kiss him right then and there. He loved him. He really fucking loved him, despite everything, all of the bullshit. Nick had always been it for him. He had always been his best friend, the one person who never judged him, who put up with his shit, who brought him back up when he was down. Nick was everything. Miles was stupid to ever think that he would be anything less than that. Seeing him at his most vulnerable only made it clearer in his mind in that very moment. He could never walk away because he was falling in love despite Nick’s best efforts to push him away. He had failed, and holy shit was Miles glad that he did. “Nick…” He wanted to say it. And he probably would have if it were any other situation. But this was not the time. The situation did not call for a declaration of love, and all at once another realization hit Miles. Lily. She wasn’t nothing to him. She certainly wasn’t Nick, but she was still special. She mattered. And with all that in mind, Miles stopped himself, slumping his shoulders once more. “I know,” he said instead, speaking quieter than he probably had all night. “I know that. And I appreciate that. You’re a good person. You need to start believing that as much as I do.”

Nick didn’t want to talk about Jude anymore, or at all, so he did as Miles asked and simply fell silent. What happened was still fresh in his mind, and Nick replayed it in his mind without even really meaning to. And he knew that was probably going to be the case for a long time. But telling Miles and having Miles there was a comfort he couldn’t quite explain. Maybe unloading all of this on another person was unfair, especially Miles of all people. Miles, who had his own life to worry about. A girlfriend. Nick had dragged him into all of his bullshit before, and that had turned out bad. Should he really drag him into this, too? Probably not. But the way Miles talked to him, and sat there with him, and held his fucking hand just to make sure he was okay — he couldn’t help but feel like he needed that right now. He needed to feel like someone cared; he needed to feel like Miles cared. Nick knew that whatever happened between them before was way over and that Miles had moved on. But he still couldn’t help but want him nearby, even if he shouldn’t be holding on to his hand so tightly like this. They wouldn’t ever be anything else, but having him as his best friend was good enough for him. He was there, and he cared, and he was being so patient. And that was hard to find. “Thank you.” He repeated again, trying to put as much emotion into that as he could. He wasn’t quite sure how to express how much that meant, but it meant a lot. “For everything, okay? I mean that.” He cleared his throat. “Do you… do you want to watch Stranger Things still?”

Miles had thought he would feel different with this new realization now glaringly apparent, but there really was no difference. This was Nick and he was Miles and he’d felt this way for a long time, just stronger now. He nodded. “You don’t have to thank me. But you’re welcome anyway.” What we’re friends for, right? Miles shifted his attention to the TV where the episode had continued playing. He pursed his lips. “I think it can wait. Let’s find something else. Preferably to fall asleep to. Out here,” he clarified, just to be sure. He let go of Nick’s hand and got up to turn off the lights so that neither of them would have to later. And suddenly, he didn’t care so much about falling asleep in his jeans. He went back to join Nick on the couch, settling in for what was most likely going to be the rest of the night. “So, Cupcake Wars?” he asked, already scrolling through Netflix before he even got his answer. He knew Nick wouldn’t mind. He understood Miles like no one else.

#CANON #the one with the pajama pants #current verse #sexual assault tw

[nilesarchives]

Unspoken Words (Text Thread) ― CANON. (current verse)

Miles tries to get in touch with Nick for the first time since their awkward Halloween encounter and maybe lighten the mood, but Nick needs him in an entirely different way.

MILES: Hey man. It was good to see you at that Halloween party. I know I kinda blew up and whatever but it felt nice to talk to you. I really missed [DELETED] MILES: Hey. I just wanted to say that I know the Lily thing was kind of a punch in the gut, but I hope we can still [DELETED] MILES: I thought we agreed we weren’t doing this whole thing anymore. I know I got pissed about that guy but obviously I’ve moved on so maybe we should both just put this behind us [DELETED] MILES: I don’t know what to say. I fucking miss you, Nick. I can’t stop thinking about you. I haven’t stopped for months now. And it’s not like that ‘I just miss my best friend’ bullshit. I don’t want to forget everything. I don’t want it all to go back to the way it was. I miss the way you are when you think no one is ever going to find out or nothing is going to change. That’s the Nick who makes me feel this way. That’s the Nick I think I’m falling in [DELETED] MILES: Hey. Hope everything’s all good and Halloween was cool. I know we usually do something for your birthday so if you want to hit me up, I’ll probably be around.

[HOURS LATER] NICK: Are you around now?

MILES: Finally decided to make time for me?

NICK: I didn’t have my phone. NICK: Sorry. If you’re busy that’s cool.

MILES: I was just kidding around. I guess the timing wasn’t right. My bad MILES: Did you want to go out or?

NICK: No, not really. Could you come over maybe? We could watch a movie or something.

MILES: okay MILES: I hope you’re actually talking about a movie though because otherwise this isn’t funny.

NICK: What are you talking about? I literally just meant a movie. NICK: But if you’re going to think so little of me don’t even bother coming over.

MILES: wow we are not in a joking mood tonight are we?

NICK: Were you joking? NICK: Look I’m not in the mood to fight or be weird or whatever. NICK: I just need to see you, okay?

MILES: I wasn’t fighting or being weird. MILES: okay I’ll be right there

#CANON #unspoken words #texts

[nilesarchives]

Halloweenies ― CANON. (current verse)

Miles and Nick both end up at a Halloween party thrown by a friend of Nick’s, who is also the cousin of Lily – Miles’ new girlfriend. Mild awkwardness ensues.

Nick was having a fun enough time at the Halloween party he found himself at. He hasn’t planned on staying long, just long enough to have a little fun and say hi to his friend who was hosting said party. One hour turned into another though, and the drinks and friendly faces surrounding him were enough to persuade him to just stay. Coming back from the kitchen with a drink in his hand, he far from expected to see Miles of all people standing a little ways ahead. With his heart hammering in his chest, Nick knew he had two options. One: Turn back around and wait until he was distracted to sneak out. Or two: just face the music and talk to him like a man. Knowing very well that he had to go with the latter to prevent any awkward I-Caught-You situations, Nick braved himself for the worst. Approaching him with a hesitant smile, he nodded to him in greeting. “Hey, man. Didn’t expect to see you here.” He really didn’t. “You know Luna?”

Miles had been looking forward to the party, since he hadn’t really had any other plans. It had never been his favorite holiday but usually he, Nick, and Murphy would figure out some dumb shit to do. This year was obviously different. Now Miles was here, at his girlfriend’s cousin’s party, mostly sticking by her side (their costumes went together, after all). Girlfriend. Miles still wasn’t used to saying it. It had kind of come out of the blue, and faster than he’d expected. He and Lily were in touch after the whole thing with Nick and what’s-his-name went down, and they clicked, and something inside of Miles eventually just compelled him to make it official. Maybe this was what he needed. Someone constant. Someone else. He pushed these thoughts from his head, staring down at the red solo cup in his hand not covered in a fake cast, swirling it around. He heard Nick’s voice suddenly, which was strange and caused him to snap his head up. Lo and behold, it was Nick standing there. He hadn’t expected this at all. “Hi,” Miles responded, unsure of how this was going to go. He looked around for a moment, realizing Lily had disappeared from his side. “Um…sort of. By extension, I guess.”

Nick wasn’t sure what to feel as he stood there. On one hand, part of him was excited to see his friend there. They hadn’t really spoken in weeks, not since Nick had asked him to leave. The other part of him, however, he was still undeniably angry. He just wasn’t entirely sure who he was mad at. “Cool costume. Glad I didn’t come as Beverly like I’d planned, that would have been a weird coincidence.” He said, his voice not entirely blank, but definitely lacking the usual enthusiasm that tended to be present when talking to Miles. “Oh?” His nosiness kicked in. “Are you with somebody?”

Miles grasped the cup a little tighter, as much as he could without just crushing it right then and there, a futile attempt at getting his brain to focus on anything other than his emotions. But there were a lot of them right now, and he wasn’t exactly able to put a stop to them. He glanced down at himself. “Thanks. Always wanted an excuse to wear short shorts.” He looked back up at Nick and shrugged a shoulder. “That one is way more you, anyway.” He knew Nick was joking, obviously, but Miles wasn’t in a joking sort of mood. At the question, Miles looked down again, unable to meet Nick’s eyes. Why was his heart suddenly pounding? Why was he so afraid to say it out loud? “Yeah,” he responded finally, forcing himself to lift his head. “Yeah, I am. She’s, uh. She’s around here somewhere.” He glanced over his shoulder for good measure, but he had no idea where she actually was. “Luna is Lily’s cousin. So…yeah.”

Nick resisted the urge to down the contents of his cup in order to give himself enough courage to keep standing there. Instead, though, his shoulders tensed. This was painfully awkward, and judging from Miles’ responses, he felt the same. “Dreams do come true.” He commented, but didn’t feel like thinking up something else to say to fill the silence. Turns out he didn’t have to, because Miles’ answer to his question was distraction enough. He swallowed back the stab of hurt that seemed to originate in his chest and tightened his grip on his drink. “Lily, huh?” His eyes hardened, and God he hoped he wouldn’t say something he’d regret. “You’re hanging out with her now?” The ‘instead of with me’ was implied. “Fun. What’s her costume? Please tell me she’s one of the Bully���s.” It should have been said with humor, but it wasn’t, and he didn’t even think to cover up the bitterness in his tone.

Miles shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t want this to get as awkward as it was sure to but there was really no way around it. He knew he had to just be honest. “Yeah. Lily.” He could tell Nick didn’t like it, and why would he? Miles couldn’t blame him, but he’d always imagined Nick being happy for him in this situation. It could’ve have been more wrong. “She’s kind of my girlfriend now.” He shrugged, like it was nothing. Like it didn’t mean there was now no hope in sight for the two of them for the foreseeable future. Not that there was before this, anyway. “She’s Richie. This was her idea.” He ignored the part about the bullies. Maybe they could avoid making it a bigger deal. “Are you with anybody?”

Nick felt sick although he wasn’t sure why. He knew all along that something like this would happen eventually. He knew that he had no right to be upset. After all, this is what he’d said he wanted, for Miles to forget about what had happened between them and find someone who could give him what he wanted. Deep down, he knew he should take the high road and let it go. He’d wanted to let it go before this got too far, but clearly that hadn’t worked out since the ache in his chest wouldn’t seem to go away. “Cool. Happy for you. Must be great if she came up with such a cool costume.” He swallowed. He should be happy for him. He should encourage this. But that knowledge still didn’t stop his chest from aching and his defenses from rising. “How…” He began. “How long have you been together?” He knew hearing the answer wouldn’t help him, but he still needed to know. “No. I didn’t realize this was a couples only party.”

Miles was surprised Nick was still standing in front of him. He’d half expected him to just walk away at that, or at the very least to start yelling or something, but he did neither of those things. Miles thought that maybe things could be normal. “Thanks.” He wanted to say that it meant a lot coming from him, but Miles wasn’t stupid enough to think that was supposed to be sincere. “Only a few days, really. We just…spent a lot of time together the past few weeks, and…yeah.” He bit his lip. And they were back to passive aggressive comments. “Well, you could’ve brought Jude, in that case.”

Nick felt Miles’ words hit him hard, but he shouldn’t care what he does. Miles was his friend; nothing more than that. He shouldn’t care, and Nick was going to keep telling himself that until his brain remembered the message and passed it on to the rest of him. At the moment that plan wasn’t really working out, but he managed to keep his mouth shut at least when Miles’ told him how long they’d been seeing each other. So that was a start. “Well, congratulations.” He said lamely, wishing he could feel sincere, but he wasn’t quite there. Maybe one day. At the moment, though, his anger was quickly rearing it’s ugly head. “Maybe I should have. He’s fun to hang out with. We’ve been spending a lot of time together the past few weeks, too.” He spoke quietly so no one else could hear him. “He doesn’t get pissed and argue with me either, so it’s great.”

Miles didn’t want it to have to come to this but he and Nick really brought out the worst in each other when it came to not saying how they felt. Their words were always harsh and unforgiving. It didn’t make sense. Things were never like that between them before all this shit started happening. “Maybe because he can’t be honest about what he wants either.” Miles knew he should stop, but now he was getting really pissed off. He was saved from doing something he knew he’d really regret when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Lily approaching him again, her fake glasses and Hawaiian shirt she’d borrowed from Miles perfectly portraying who she was trying to be. “Sorry I lost ya,” she said to Miles, grinning up at him as she snaked an arm around his waist, then faced Nick with the same bright smile. Miles took that as his cue. He looked right in Nick’s eyes. “Suppose it’s time you two officially meet. This is my best friend Nick.” Miles watched Lily lean forward with her hand outstretched to shake his hand.

Nick knew deep down that this conversation would get them nowhere, but once they got going it seemed like they couldn’t stop until they both effectively hurt each others feelings. “Or maybe he just understands me.” Their exchange felt childish, and they probably could have continued just like that, had someone not interrupted them. Almost too slowly, Nick tore his gaze away from Miles only to see a petite dark haired girl with the brightest smile he’d ever seen. He knew immediately who this was, and he thought that maybe he’d hate her right off the bat. She was prettier than he expected, and from her wide smile and willingness to wear Miles’ dumb floral shirt he knew that she was sweet. Maybe even funny. He wanted to hate her, but seeing her just filled him with something unexpected. The anger slowly flooded out of him, even despite Miles’ staring at him like that. Like he’d gotten one up on him. And truthfully — he had. He didn’t just find some random girl; he found someone that could actually make him happy. Someone that his family would like and that everyone would fall in love with. And it just made him sad, because all of this fighting was pointless. Everything they were maybe feeling was pointless, because it was over for good this time. His posture slumped some and he stuck out a hand to take Lily’s, smiling at her although his chest now felt hollow. This was all stupid. He felt stupid. “Hey, nice to meet you.” He cleared his throat. “I was just telling Miles how much I liked your costumes. He told me it was all your idea.” He finally risked a glance back at him. “I’m surprised you didn’t fight her for Richie.”

Miles decided it was strange, seeing the two of them interact, and he didn’t particularly like it. Despite the fact that Lily had no idea what was going on and that Nick was being civil, Miles couldn’t help but feel like it was all wrong. Maybe it was just because it was new and that feeling would go away eventually. But something didn’t sit right with him as he watched them shake hands. He found himself unable to tear his gaze away from Nick at all. “She’s definitely more of a Richie than I am,” he said, his tone something he couldn’t quite put a finger on now. He slid his fake broken arm around Lily’s shoulder because he just felt like that was something he should do in that moment. It was Lily who spoke next. “So how do you know Luna?”

Nick didn’t like the feeling of Miles eyes at him at that particular moment. It was all he could do to not turn and walk right out the door. He didn’t want to argue with Miles anymore, it wasn’t worth it. But he also didn’t want to have him notice how much this was actually getting to him. So he decided to pretend like everything was normal until he could get the hell out of there. The sight of Miles arm around Luna’s shoulder looked wrong, and he turned his gaze from Miles and back to Lily’s face. “Oh, we’re friends. We got fake married awhile back on spring, and we’ve kept in touch ever since. It’s really not as crazy of a story as it sounds.” He let out a small laugh, hoping it wasn’t as awkward as it felt. He didn’t want to have to spend more time explaining the story, although on a normal day he wouldn’t have minded. “What about you?”

Miles raised his eyebrows, his jaw falling open a bit at Nick’s words. “Wait, that was her? You never mentioned who it was.” Miles had fond memories of first hearing that story. It was almost strange now, that there was a time where there was no awkwardness between them and they told each other absolutely everything, no exceptions. Lily answered Nick’s question before Miles could think about it any further. “She’s my cousin. We mostly only see each other on holidays, but obviously I’m still worthy enough to get invited to her parties,” Lily explained. She glanced over her shoulder then, taking a step away. “I’m going to go find her, actually.” Miles had wanted to see Luna anyway, to thank her for the party and everything. “Hey, I’ll come with you,” he told Lily, holding a hand out for her to wait. He turned back to Nick then, giving him a simple nod of his head. “See you around?”

#CANON #halloweenies #current verse

[nilesarchives]

New Threats ― CANON. (current verse)

It’s been months since the wedding and, as always, things are still super weird. Miles is over it and finally wants to come clean to Nick about absolutely everything and tell him how he feels after months of awkward, back-and-forth exchanges and ignoring each other. He wants to put a stop to it. He’s surprised by the appearance of Nick’s new friend Jude, driving yet another wedge between them. Some not-so-nice words are shared.

It was safe to say that Miles had had enough. He felt like there was a lot of that happening lately, to be fair. Something would happen, things would be different, he and Nick would start to dance around subjects and avoid talking about things…and then one of them would always be pushed over the edge. Every single time. History was repeating itself over and over again. But that didn’t stop Miles from doing what he felt he needed to, walking to Nick’s apartment with long, purposeful strides, set to say everything he wanted—no, needed—to say. This was really getting out of hand now. They were grown adults who both clearly wanted something, and Miles wasn’t going to let them keep pretending that that was nothing.

He knocked on the door and waited for Nick to open it, and as soon as he did, Miles didn’t miss a beat. He stepped past him into the apartment, pivoting to face his friend. “This is stupid, Nick. It’s so stupid and you know it is,” he started, knowing damn well that Nick knew exactly what he meant. “We can’t keep doing this. Something’s gotta give here. And I guess that’s me, because…I don’t know, here I am. I want this to stop. I don’t give a shit about everything being ‘normal’ or whatever anymore. I just want them to be honest.”

Nick didn’t know why he was so surprised to see Miles standing outside his door. He didn’t think anything of it when he pulled the door open to see who was knocking, but in the back of his mind he assumed his best friend wouldn’t be popping in like he used to. Things had been strange between them — stranger than they ever had been. They were still friends. If he could help it they always would be, but there was a certain tension between them that Nick couldn’t help but notice every time they talked. And as he listened to Miles go off on him, he realized that he had noticed too. He was clearly as tired of it as he was.

Nick stood there dumbly for a moment before he opened his mouth to speak. God, he wanted to agree with him. He didn’t want things to get weirder between them. He wanted to be honest with him. “Miles…” He began, not even bothering to move back from the doorway in order to let him in. Clearly they needed to have this conversation now. There was no beating around the bush this time. “I want this to stop, too.” He finally decided on, his fingers tightly grasping onto the door frame in an attempt to give himself some courage. “I…” It was at that unfortunate moment that he felt someone coming up behind him, and he nearly cringed as he remembered that he had company. Of course fucking Jude had to walk out at this exact moment. Like it was a damn drama movie.

Nick had met him months ago, during a night he wasn’t particularly proud of. He didn’t think he’d ever see him again, but after running into him again by chance a month prior, the two had struck up an unlikely friendship. He was actually kind of cool away from the seedy club he’d initially met him at. Breaking his gaze away from Miles to glance back at him, he was met with the sight of a shirtless Jude, holding one of Nick’s shirts in each hand.

“Hey which one of these do you care about the least?” He heard Jude speak as he held up the shirts for Nick to see. “They both bring out my eyes so whichever one I take don’t expect it back.”

Nick just shot him a look with a jerk of his head toward Miles to show that he was busy, and instantly he saw the look of recognition on Jude’s face. “Oh, shit, sorry. I’ll just go with this one.” Jude held up the one in his right hand. “Other ones got holes in it anyway.” Jude smiled and nodded towards Miles. “Hey, dude.” Jude began to retreat back to Nick’s room to presumably put away the other shirt. “Carry on.” He called out playfully as he went.

Nick let out a long sigh before turning back to Miles. “I’m sorry about him, he’s about to leave. Come in? We can talk.” He paused, biting on his inner lip out of anxiousness. “We will talk.”

Miles listened intently as Nick spoke back to him, thankfully seeming to agree with him. And just when it seemed that Nick was going to open up, to be honest like Miles wanted, he paused and turned around. Miles followed Nick’s gaze to some guy, half-naked and entering the room like he belonged there. Miles had never seen this guy in his life. What was he doing in Nick’s place with no shirt on, asking which of Nick’s shirts he could wear instead? What the hell? Miles’ jaw fell open as he stood there dumbly, staring, unable to form any sort of words as his eyes bore into those of the stranger.

There was a small amount of tension and some words spoken to Miles before the other guy turned and disappeared again. Miles, of course, stayed silent, watching him walk away with that same dumbfounded gaze. And then Nick was turning back to him and talking to him like that — whatever the hell that was — had never even happened. Miles looked back at him. “Are you…” he started, unsure of how he should even proceed. What the hell was he supposed to say? “Nick, are you fucking kidding me right now?” His tone was already loud enough that he wondered if perhaps the other guy could even hear him. But he could not possibly care less. “You…you’re weird with me, and you have random guys in your fucking bedroom? Do you think I’m a goddamn idiot?” He took a step back. “What the fuck is wrong with you.” It should’ve sounded like a question, but it wasn’t the way Miles said it.

Nick could see Mile’s attitude before his very eyes. While at first he was earnest and upfront, his eyes were now guarded and clearly upset. The change startled Nick, and he realized a moment too late why his friend was upset. “Miles, it’s not what you think.” He started firmly, motioning with his free hand as though that would stop him from just leaving.

“He’s just a friend.” Nick felt the need to explain himself, even if him and Miles were technically just friends too. His throat suddenly felt tight and guilt ran through his veins. He knew he had to be honest, and he knew at that moment there was no way Miles’ wasn’t going to end up steaming mad at him. “We were hanging out and he squirted pizza pocket filling on his shirt so I’m letting him borrow one of mine. Nothing happened.” The guilt was increasing, and he didn’t want to have to say this here. Not now. Not with him already so mad and Jude in the next room.

He flinched at Miles’ harsh words, but still made a move to walk forward as Miles’ began to step back. He knew he deserved them. “You still want me to be honest, though?” He swallowed and his heart seemed to speed up uncontrollably. He kept his voice as low as he could so only Miles’ could hear him. He wished they could talk about this somewhat calmly, but he didn’t think that was an option with Miles so upset. But he had to tell him the truth. If he didn’t, things would get even worse. And he was pretty sure the guilt would eat him alive. “I have slept with him. But not for a long time. Not since…” He shook his head. Not since Miles’ started talking to him again. Not since the night of the wedding. But he couldn’t say any of that. “It was right after I found out about that girl of yours. I don’t know, it was stupid. I’m stupid. But nothing happened tonight.” He tried to silently plead with him to understand, his hand reaching out as though to reach for him, before he let it fall back to his side. “Nothing was going to happen.”

“Oh, it’s not what I think.” Miles laughed hollowly at that. Right, like he was going to believe that. Because Nick constantly had random shirtless men that Miles had never seen before streaming in and out of his apartment. Then again, maybe he did and Miles just didn’t know it. He listened to Nick’s explanation, just barely, unable to stop himself from shaking his head the entire time. This was ridiculous. It was absolute bullshit. Nick had given him so much shit for sleeping with Lily, and then he turned around and did the exact same thing. He didn’t know how to take it.

He considered for a moment, especially when Nick’s explanation did sort of make sense, that he was telling the truth. Maybe this guy was just a friend. It wasn’t like Miles knew of every single person Nick had ever spoken to in his life. He probably was just jumping to conclusions. These thoughts went through his mind as Nick continued, and he thought that maybe he should apologize for lashing out. He and Nick both knew he tended to take his anger to the next level sometimes, and maybe he said things he didn’t mean—

But there it was. Nick dropped a bomb on him, the one he’d been waiting to hear. They had slept together. And now the guy was back again, so it clearly wasn’t just a one time thing, and Miles felt like the room was spinning. “Wow,” was all he said at first, all he could possibly think to say. He took another step back, trying to put more distance between them, because honestly right now he didn’t know if he wanted to punch Nick in the face or pull him in and kiss him just to…prove a point. Or something. He didn’t know. “You really think I’m that stupid? Honestly. What if I told you Lily was just a friend?” he challenged, raising his eyebrows. “Why don’t I go home and invite her over and then feed you some bullshit excuses when you happen to run into her there? Would that work for you?” He was being ridiculous, he knew he was. But at that moment, he didn’t care. He was angry. He was upset. He was…jealous. So fucking jealous when he didn’t have a right to be at all.

“Is that what you want? Seriously, I’m genuinely asking. You want me to go around fucking other people because clearly, you’re having absolutely no issues doing just that.” He emphasized his point by jerking his finger toward the bedroom door that the other man had just disappeared through. “You’re truly something else, Nick. You can’t even be honest with yourself and I was a fucking idiot to think you’d want to be honest with me.” That wasn’t fair. It was uncalled for. He knew it as he said it. But he wasn’t going to take it back.

Whoever said the truth would set you free was clearly a fucking liar. It was like the more Nick tried to explain himself, the worse the situation seemed to get. And really, Nick knew he fucked up. He’d known for a long time that he was a hypocrite for being mad about the Lily situation when he’d literally done the same thing when he found out. He was even more of an asshole for not telling Miles about it when he confronted him about Lily.

What he didn’t do was lie to him about it now. He was trying to be honest now, because that’s what Miles had wanted. That’s what they needed. He didn’t want to keep lying to his best friend. He just wanted him back; he wanted them to stop this fighting. But fuck — at Miles’ words, anger began to boil up in his own veins. “Right now you’re being stupid, yeah, because I’m telling you the fucking truth.” He raised his voice an octave higher than the whisper it had been at previously. The thought of Miles’ with Lily again made him sick. It made his chest hurt and it somehow made him even angrier. “If you want to go fuck her be my fucking guest.” He got out, not meaning it, but also not being able to stop himself from fighting back. “You want to be an asshole? Go be an asshole. But I’m not lying to you. I’m not hiding anything from you anymore. I fucked up, okay? I didn’t tell you when it happened. I was a hypocrite — whatever. But you did the same thing with her and I let it go. Yet somehow when I do it, I’m the only douche-bag? I might be fucked up, Miles, but so are your priorities.”

He was so angry at this point he almost felt nauseous, but more than that he was hurt. He was guilty. He wanted to fix this but he wasn’t sure how to. “Stop it.” He yelled out, now. He didn’t want that. Miles knew he didn’t want that. “I didn’t… go around doing anything. Stop accusing me of shit. What does it even matter anyway?” His voice cracked, and he was about to say something he’d regret. “I’m not your fucking boyfriend.” The words hung in the air heavily, and he knew he shouldn’t have said it. But God, his chest hurt and he wanted to have the opposite of this conversation. It was too late now, though. They’d both gone too far. Nick’s shoulders sagged slightly, beginning to feel defeated because he knew this conversation was going nowhere fast. “I was being honest with you, Miles. It’s just not what you wanted to hear.”

There was so much Miles wanted to say, but none of it would do him any good at this point. He should stop yelling at him, for one thing. Yelling at Nick wasn’t going to change the fact that he’d fucked that guy, as much as it pained Miles to admit it. Nothing was going to change that. “I slept with Lily because you made it very clear that you didn’t want me to be anything more than your friend,” he countered, his voice much lower now. “You slept with him because, what, you were mad at me? You wanted to get back at me?” He shook his head. “It’s not the same thing, Nick.“

At Nick’s words, Miles froze. He hadn’t expected that. Of course he knew it, but hearing it kind of sucked. A lot. He wasn’t Nick’s boyfriend. That was clear. And Nick didn’t want to be his boyfriend—that was even clearer. Miles’ shoulders fell, the fight leaving his body. He was still angry, but now, he was more…sad. “You’re right,” he said, even quieter than before. “You’re not my boyfriend.” Don’t say it. Don’t say it. It’s not fair to Nick. Don’t say it. “Because you’re too fucking scared to be my boyfriend.” He stepped back again, this time more than once. “You want to be with me, and you just won’t. And maybe I deserve better than that.” He paused. “Than a coward.” It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t Nick’s fault. But Miles was sick of the excuses.

“If I wanted to hurt you I would have told you about it when it happened.” He said it quietly, but his anger was still right below the surface. Miles was wrong. He wanted to tell him he was wrong. But he knew at that point he wouldn’t bother to listen. “I didn’t do it to fuck with you. But now I’m wondering if you slept with Lily to try to get back at me.”

Nick knew he shouldn’t have said it. He knew it was wrong; he knew it was mean and uncalled for. But at least it was the truth. Hearing Miles’ reply was like a slap in the face, and he froze, not being able to look at him. It hit him right in the chest, rendering him useless for a moment. Miles went too far, too. But the worst part was that he was right. He just stood there for a moment, letting his eyes fall shut and shaking his head back and fourth. Eventually, he opened his eyes, but avoided looking at Miles. A cold laugh left his lips, and he shook his head again. “Yeah. Maybe you do.” Nick’s voice cracked despite himself, and he finally lowered his gaze in order to look Miles in the eye. He swallowed thickly. “I think you should leave now.”

The anger had dissipated now. The sadness remained, but there was absolutely nothing he could say anymore. He missed Nick. He wanted to be with him. He wanted to forget all of this and go and sit next to him on the couch and never leave. That was what he’d wanted to tell him. But now Miles wouldn’t be able to stop picturing him with someone else, wouldn’t be able to push all the words they both had said out of his mind. Nothing would change what they’d said or how they both now felt.

The fact still stood, though, that Miles was right. And so was Nick. So there was no winning here, and each of them had to wait for the other. Miles watched him, studying his features, wishing he could swallow his pride and say sorry. But was he? He didn’t know. He struggled to tear his gaze away from Nick’s face and turn around, but Nick was correct. Miles should go. He paused with his hand on the door handle, opening his mouth briefly, but there was nothing left to say. He opened the door and stepped out quickly, letting it slam shut behind him.

#CANON #new threats #current verse

[nilesarchives]

The Right Stuff ― CANON. (current verse)

The space they agreed upon can only last about a week because Nick promised to come to Miles’ mother’s wedding. They sneak off to break into Miles’ awful new stepdad Greg’s car and mess with his radio stations, as well as smoke the weed Nick brought. As with most other times, one thing leads to another, and they hook up in Greg’s car.

This is missing like the entire first half because it disappeared into the Chatzy void but basically they were just at the reception and Miles swiped Greg’s keys from his discarded jacket pocket. Also NSFW-ish.

Nick tried to suppress a laugh at the dig about Helen, just in case Miles wasn’t joking. “Speaking of Helen — how are her and your Dad?” He looked over at him curiously. “Are they here?” He didn’t want to stir up drama; he was just mildly curious and tended to get caught up in small talk. “We are pretty expensive.” He agreed, nodding quickly. “Adding you to the mix will just make her go bankrupt.” He teased before smiling to himself. “Guess there is…. Operation Steal Gregs Car is officially in progress now.” As they continued to walk on, he glanced at Miles in interest. “What were the themes? Was it good?” He asked, before speaking again, not giving Miles time to respond. “We’ll have to find it so we can watch it. Don’t get me wrong, I love Scout but I just don’t think she appreciates your love of Cupcake Wars like I do.” He said, seriously. “Shit man — maybe. Only I hope I don’t drive as bad as I do in GTA. Or else this might be our first and last car ride together.” He paused, grabbing the keys. “Anyway, buckle up!” He grinned as he unlocked the car and slid his way into the drivers seat. “Your wish is my command.” He looked around the car as he brainstormed ideas before brightening up a little and putting the key in the ignition to turn the radio on. “He’s never gonna know what hit him.” He busied himself with pressing random buttons on the control panel as he spoke. “Tell me what music he hates so I can reprogram his set channels.” It sounded cooler in his head, but if it were him, that would drive him crazy. “But that’s just the beginning… reach into my jacket pocket. I have a surprise for us.”

Miles shook his head. “Nah, they’re not here. They’re good, though, I guess. I dunno. I haven’t talked to Dad in a little while.” Miles sort of wished all this had happened when he was younger so he didn’t have to deal with all the angst of it now. But it is what it is. “So then we agree it is most certainly not worth it for me to marry your mom. Glad we had this talk.” He’d certainly missed these strange conversations with Nick. No one else ever made it seem so natural. “It was for, like, a wedding. It was pretty good. Not the best episode but I think we made a silent vow to watch every single one together. You’re right, though. Scout just doesn’t get it.” Miles laughed at that, settling into the passenger seat. This truly was wild. He’d never even been in Greg’s car before, and he didn’t think he ever would. But here he was. “He hates pretty much anything that’s not country so that should be easy.” He started to do just that, changing the preset stations on Greg’s car radio when Nick mentioned something in his pocket. He looked up at him curiously. Usually he’d be more wary about something like this, but he was pretty sure Nick didn’t have anything that would kill him. Curiosity got the best of him, anyway, and before he could ask he did as he was told, invading Nick’s personal space to dig through his pocket. He didn’t know what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t weed. Miles wished he could have seen the look on his own face right then. “Dude,” was all he managed at first, and then he laughed. “You should have mentioned this an hour ago!”

Nick nodded at the newfound information. “Ah, man. Well hopefully you get to talk to him soon. Hope he’s doing okay.” Nick didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject, if it was one. Bringing up Miles’ birth father while he was being cursed with a stepfather he couldn’t stand probably wasn’t the greatest conversation starter. “You’re officially ruled out as far as my future potential stepdads go. Congratulations. Crossing your name off the list ASAP.” Joking with Miles always came easy, despite the awkwardness recent events had caused between them. They always seemed to snap back eventually. “The worst episode of cupcake wars is still better than the best episode of anything else.” That probably didn’t even make sense, and held no real truth. Still, though, he didn’t expect anyone to read too deeply into the things he said sometimes. “So hard rap and top pop hits.” He stated and grinned at the radio console as he punched buttons. “I got you.” He shifted to allow Miles room to sift through his pocket, still messing with the radio stations all the awhile. Truthfully, he could have just handed Miles the weed, but that would have ruined the surprise. Finally satisfied with his work, Nick hit one of the now re-programmed station buttons and leaned back in the drivers seat. “I considered it, but I figured if I mentioned it in front of your family they’d try to take it for themselves.” He joked, reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a lighter. “—You ever smoked before?”

Miles shrugged. “He’s fine. It’s not like that. We’re both just busy and not at the top of each other’s priority list.” It was true. He wasn’t hurt by it or anything. “Good to know. I removed your name from my potential stepdad list long ago. Now you’ve kind of lost your chance anyway, though.” Nick just wasn’t fast enough. “That is so true. I don’t know why we started watching that show but I’m really glad we did. It’s a blessing. I think it brings us closer together.” Really, he couldn’t pinpoint when or why it had happened, but somehow they’d developed a mutual obsession with Cupcake Wars, and Miles wouldn’t have it any other way. “Perfect. I doubt he even knows how to change it back.” Miles smiled smugly as he watched Nick change the stations. He finally settled on a station playing current hits that Miles thought he was too good for (but wasn’t), and he examined the weed in his hands while Nick spoke. “No doubt in my mind about that. So good call.” He glanced over at him at the question, raising an eyebrow. “I think you know the answer to that.” But he’d answer it anyway. “I haven’t. I’ve watched it happen enough in my life, though.” It wasn’t that he was against it or anything. It just never appealed to him as something to seek out, and it wasn’t often available to him. Right now, though, he didn’t see any reason not to. “I’m afraid I’m gonna cough up a lung, though. Maybe I’ll puke on the floor. Greg would love that.”

Nick made a noise of understanding and nodded. “Pretty easy to get caught up in your own life.” He commented, and he was just about to make a jab at him and say he knew Miles was good at doing that. But this was not the time nor place — and what slight (unjustified) bitterness Nick still felt toward him he was trying to push aside and work passed. “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m your Moms type to begin with. As much as it hurts me to admit.” He joked, remembering back to all the times he joked about trying to date her years ago. He thought he was so funny when he was in High School. And he still did, but he was still low key embarrassed of his teenage self. Not that he was all that different now, but… still. “It’s because we both automatically knew it was gonna be good. It’s our show, dude. Watching it alone is ever the same as watching it with you.” He spoke, earnestly, because it was the truth. “Probably not. Hey, maybe he’ll develop a decent taste in music. So really we could be doing him a favor here.” He grinned as he turned his head to look at his friend. “I had a feeling you’d say that.” He admitted. Miles never was one to to really partake in such things, which he never minded. He figured he’d offer tonight though. After everything, Nick thought he might need it. “I guarantee you won’t cough up a lung. Your tonsils, maybe. Maybe some blood. But no lungs. You get to keep those.” He laughed again and reached out to take the already rolled joint from him. “It’s going to be harsh, so you’re going to cough a lot. So if it’s too much for you, let me know.” He instructed carefully. “I’m going to light it — and all you have to do is suck and hold it in for a second.” He paused .“But first let’s roll up all the windows… we don’t want anything getting out.”

Miles nodded. “Right. Not a big deal or anything. I stopped being pissed at him a while ago.” Being angry about it wasn’t going to do Miles any good, anyway. “Yeah, I’d have to agree with you there. She tends not to go for super skinny dudes who are, you know, friends with her son.” Miles couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was honestly ridiculous to even entertain the idea of Nick and his mother ever becoming a thing, but somehow it always came up. “You’re right. It’s good shit. It’s actually not that great a show on its own. Our commentary is the only thing that makes it bearable sometimes,” he admitted, because it was true. It really wasn’t all they made it out to be. The show itself was mediocre at best most times. But they got super into it, and honestly, it did often get pretty intense. Miles rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.” He couldn’t see that happening. Miles sighed, shaking his head at Nick’s words. “Oh God. I’m not, like, actually gonna cough up blood or anything, am I?” he asked as he eyed the joint now back in Nick’s hand. He honestly couldn’t tell if he’d been joking or not. He nodded at that, using the ancient hand crank to manually roll up the windows, because of course Greg didn’t have automatic windows. “I’m a little nervous, man.”

Nick nodded at the comment, deciding not to press it any further. He laughed at Miles’ comment about his mom, and shook his head in faux disappointment. “I’m heartbroken. I’d say she’s missing out, but that’d be a lie. We all know it’s the other way around.” He joked. Miles should know by now he wasn’t serious about it. Especially after all that had happened lately. Rolling his eyes good naturedly as he rolled up the window on the drivers side. A grin crossed his lips at the question. “No, dumbass. The weed doesn’t contain glass particles.” He said teasingly before softening up some. “Hey, it’ll be okay. It’s everyone’s first time sometime. And I’ll be right here if you don’t like it or it’s too much.” He reminded him before lifting the lighter to spark the end of the joint. “Do you want the first hit, or would you rather me show you first?”

Miles rolled his eyes. “Yes, Nick, we all know that.” His mom totally was a catch. He wasn’t wrong there. Miles put his hand to his chest, pretending to be hurt by the insult. “Ouch. No need for name-calling here.” He knew Nick was only kidding, of course, and that was only confirmed when he lightened up and actually started to ease Miles’ fears about the whole thing. It really wasn’t a big deal, but honestly…he was just a weenie. “Okay. Don’t get mad if I cough on you or something.” He watched with wide eyes as Nick lit the joint. He licked his lips as he watched, then reached out to take it from him. “I’ll try.” He was feeling adventurous, clearly. It felt foreign in his hand, and he eyed it for a few moments before bringing it up to place it between his lips. He tried not too think too hard as he inhaled. Immediately, as Nick had warned him, it overwhelmed him. He started coughing almost instantly. As he tried to catch his breath, letting out a few more coughs to clear his throat, he thrust the joint back toward Nick. “How the fuck is this supposed to be enjoyable?” he asked, his voice rough from the strain of all the coughing.

Nick snorted at the response. They’d always joked around like this, and he could admit to himself that he missed it. He missed hanging out with him. “Eh, you’ll get over it.” He shrugged. “You cough on me, I’ll sneeze on you so it’s fair, alright?” He handed over the joint to him silently, quirking an eyebrow as Miles said he’d go first. Maybe he should have instructed him or something, but before he knew it his friend was inhaling the smoke. As he started to choke, he darted a hand out to clap down on his shoulder, slightly concerned even if he knew he’d be okay. “Give it a minute.” He coaxed as he took the joint back and brought it to his lips with his free hand, holding it in his lungs for a brief moment before letting it exhale. “You’re gonna feel it, trust me. You’ll barely even notice the sore throat.”

Miles figured that was fair enough. He hardly even noticed Nick take a hit because he did so quickly and without a sound other than his inhaling and exhaling. Miles wondered how long it took to get to that point, but he wasn’t going to ask. Plus, if he spoke again, he’d probably start coughing. He wasn’t really feeling any different, but he wasn’t sure how long it was supposed to take. “What’s it supposed to feel like?” he asked. He barely even noticed Nick’s hand still on his shoulder. “Should I try it again or give it a minute?’ He was honestly completely clueless here. He thought he’d know by watching other people, but clearly that wasn’t the case.

Nick knew Miles was new at this, but he couldn’t help but grin slightly at the reaction. What a proud moment. His best friend was smoking weird for the first time. Nick wasn’t sure if he should feel bad for corrupting him or be glad that he tried it with him first. So he settled on just being mildly amused. "Don’t try it again. I don’t wanna overwhelm you. Give it time to settle.” He instructed as he angled his body to face him a little better. “It’s supposed to feel like… I don’t know. Like you’re completely relaxed. And your head feels fuzzy, but you still feel good.” It was the sort of thing that he’d just have to experience himself. “Are you okay?”

Miles nodded. That made enough sense to him. “Okay.” He’d thought it was going to be an instantaneous thing, but it seemed to be a little more gradual. He figured he was starting to feel a little bit different after a few moments, especially as Nick explained what it was supposed to be like. He was pretty sure he was feeling a little more relaxed. But that could have all just been in his head. “Yeah, I’m okay. I…think I feel different.” He sighed. Though he couldn’t see the excitement in the whole thing, he was at least glad he had Nick with him. “Thanks for this. I guess it’ll be kinda cool to at least say I tried it.”

Nick laughed slightly in response. “Hey, even if it’s not your thing, now you know.” He had a sneaking suspicion it wasn’t Miles’ thing, judging from the look on his face. “You’re welcome. Plus, if Greg knew we were doing this, it’d piss him off so bad. So that makes it all worth it, right?” He let the joint dangle from his other hand, his right still resting on Miles’ shoulder absentmindedly. His words died off and it fell silent for a moment before he spoke again, voice quieter than before. “Are you really okay? About the wedding?”

Miles shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” He didn’t think he’d be doing this again. At least, he wouldn’t go seeking it out. Maybe if Nick brought it up again in the future. He tended to make stupid decisions with Nick. “That’s true. And that’s the beauty of all of this, right?” he asked, gesturing around him to the car they were still sitting in. Greg would probably somehow find out. At that, Miles turned to look at him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about this. Not now. He shook his head, turning away. “I’m fine, Nick. Please, just–don’t make this something it doesn’t need to be.” He appreciated the concern, though. Nick was the only person who ever really gave a shit what he was thinking. He just didn’t have the energy right now to get into it. He turned back to meet Nick’s eyes again. “Are you okay?”

Nick nodded in agreement. “Right. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’m always up for some harmless revenge.” He smiled at Miles briefly before the conversation melded into something more serious. “I’m sorry —” He cut himself off, going quiet as he contemplated what to say. He didn’t want to make him talk about something he wasn’t comfortable with. “I’m not trying to. I just… you know you can talk to me, right?” He looked up to meet Miles’ eyes. “You can talk to me.” He repeated, not knowing what else to say without pushing too hard. But then Miles was turning it back on him, and it startled him. “I’m fine.” He said automatically, not quite sure if that was true or not, but this conversation wasn’t about him. “I wouldn’t be here with you if I weren’t fine.”

Miles sighed. Here they went again, getting way too real without actually meaning to. “Don’t apologize.” Nick kept on reiterating that he could talk to him, but Miles wasn’t sure if that was true. Talking about things led to bad choices with them, mostly because neither of them really knew how to handle their feelings – whatever those feelings were. “I know,” Miles replied anyway. The way Nick spoke to him made Miles doubt that, somehow. He thought that maybe being with him was hurting rather than helping. It was for Miles, at least; he was still feeling confused, despite being happy to be reunited with his best friend. “You sure about that?” he asked quietly, raising an eyebrow at him. “I think we’d be somewhere else entirely if you were fine.” Probably inside right now, dancing together, or something people who could be honest with themselves did. But they were here instead, playing games. They were good at that.

Nick knew he should stop talking. He knew saying too much or letting get the topic get too serious was a bad idea. But he couldn’t seem to help himself; he wanted Miles to know he still cared. At the remark, Nick let the hand resting on Miles’ shoulder fall off. “You know that’s not fair.” His voice was quiet, and he tried not to show that it actually stung. Because he knew he was right. His chest feeling heavy, he exhaled slowly before saying something he probably really shouldn’t. “I’m here because I missed you.”

Miles knew he probably shouldn’t have said it. But so far, dancing around certain subjects had gotten them absolutely nowhere. Even if he didn’t say it out loud, Miles would still be thinking it, so he figured he’d rather just come right out and say it in the name of being honest with him. “I’m not…saying you should come out or anything like that. That’s not what I meant,” he clarified. “But you’re not fine.” He was taken back by that. No matter how many times he heard it, it still hit him just as hard. He’d missed him too, so much, after only a week, and that meant something to him. “Does it even make a difference if I say I missed you too?”

Nick felt his chest constrict and his shoulders tense as Miles spoke. Guilt, regret, and panic seemed to settle in all at once. “Well, what do you want me to say?” He remarked, unable to hold himself back. “No, Miles, I’m not fine. I’m actually pretty shitty?” He stubbed the joint out on the surface next to the cup holder, letting it fall there after it was no longer lit. He’d clean it up later, maybe. “Would that make you feel better? Would that help anything?” He shouldn’t feel this bad. He shouldn’t have missed him this much. And he most definitely should not be talking as freely as he was now. “You know I’m not fine.” He swallowed, trying to keep at least some of the emotion at bay. “But you also know that I care.” He shook his head to himself. “It always makes a difference.” Even if it shouldn’t.

Miles looked down at his lap, because he didn’t know where else to look while he gathered his thoughts. He wasn’t meaning to put Nick on the spot like this, but Miles of all people wasn’t going to judge him for who he was, and they’d be stupid to pretend that nothing was still going on here. “I want you to be able to be honest with yourself even if you can’t with everyone else. It’s me, Nick. Things aren’t just going to go back to normal between us like magic and you know it.” He’d say it was the weed making him suddenly want to bring all of this back into the light, but really the urge to had never gone away. Nick was right; Miles knew that he cared. And Nick knew that he cared just as much. Miles adjusted himself in his seat to face Nick completely. He lowered his eyes to look at Nick’s lips briefly before blinking back up to his eyes. “What are you thinking right now?”

Nick wished that he could be completely honest, just like he wished he could kiss him when he wanted and not care who saw or what anybody thought. He wished he could want him without feeling guilty, when he should be wishing that they could go back to being just normal friends. Nick hadn’t wanted things to get out of control, but they already were. “I know that.” His throat felt thick and that’s all he could think to say. “But talking only makes us worse. I don’t want us to get worse.” He didn’t miss how Miles’ eyes dropped down to his lips. He found himself doing the same, his words (not for the first time) contradicting his actions. “Something I really shouldn’t.” He said, a bitter sort of laugh escaping him as he shook his head. Internally debating with himself, his desires quickly won over rational thought. Talking made things worse, but this would make things even more complicated than they already were. But it was hard when he was so close, when Nick knew he wanted him too. It was too hard. So despite knowing this was a mistake, Nick reached out to clasp his hand over Miles’ shoulder once again. Only this time, it was to steady himself as he leaned forward to press his lips against his best friend’s.

Miles shook his head. “I don’t see how it can get any worse than lying about the way we feel.” His kept his voice low, as if this was all some big secret. It wasn’t, and it never was; they just forced it to be that way. At least now, Nick was being honest with him. Miles knew what he meant before he even took action. But as always, the hand on his shoulder and Nick’s face suddenly coming toward his own made his heart beat faster, even if he’d been expecting it to some extent. Without thinking twice about it, Miles’ own hand came up to the back of Nick’s neck, almost like he was afraid that he’d pull away if Miles didn’t keep him there. They were going to regret this because everything was going to go to shit again. No matter how many times they discussed how stupid it was, they’d always find a way to make it weird again. But for right now, Miles would just pretend that that wasn’t the inevitable outcome.

Nick wanted to agree with him, but he couldn’t help but feel like it could and would get worse. But right now, at that moment, he was willing to ignore the consequences. “Sometimes it’s easier to lie than it is to deal with the truth.” He didn’t mean to say that, but at least that was the truth. Words were quickly forgotten as their lips met and Miles’ hand was grasping onto the back of his neck. He leaned in closer, the hand sliding from Miles’ shoulder to the side of his neck. He didn’t want to let go. The seat was separating them, but he tried his best to bring Miles as close as he could, responding with more urgency now that the kiss was reciprocated.

Miles didn’t even want to think about what Nick had said. He was right, of course it was easier. But that didn’t mean they should. Similarly, it was much easier to forget what was going to happen after this was over than to think rationally about it. So that’s just what Miles did, casting those thoughts of what was to come aside, focusing solely on Nick and how good it felt to be close to him like this again. He wanted to climb over to his side already just to be closer, but the size of the car made that kind of impossible. He had to think on his feet because he didn’t want this to have to end so fast. He pulled away just enough to look at Nick’s face. “You’re not gonna run out on me because of work again, are you?” he teased, and then he smiled. Before Nick could even respond, Miles reached into his pocket to get his phone. “Gimme a second — you should get rid of the joint,” he said, a bit absentmindedly. He didn’t want anything to distract them this time, so he figured background music would help them drown out everything else. If everything was going to go to shit after this, they might as well make the absolute most of it.

Nick nearly let a noise of disappointment escape him as Miles’ pulled away, even though the kiss had to end sometime. He looked at him, almost confused, until he understood why he’d pulled away. It wasn’t to end it, thank god, because Nick didn’t want to have to stop until they had to. “No, if they call me I’m quitting.” He said, joking, but also just a smidgen serious. “Good idea. I don’t want to leave it for Greg to find. He might like the surprise.” He saw him take out his phone, and Nick wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, but he wanted to find out. After dusting the ashes away with his sleeve and grabbing the joint, Nick stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. After collecting himself, he made sure the joint was outside before safely tucking it in his pants pocket. Turning back to the car, he noticed Miles was now in the backseat. Now is the time where he should back out and leave. But he was already in too deep. Opening the car door, he joined his best friend in the back, turning to face him as he did so. “The evidence is gone. We’re good.” He wanted to kiss him again already, but he didn’t want to be too eager. “So…what’s up?”

Miles scrolled through his phone, barely even noticing that his hands were shaking slightly. Whether it was from nervousness or excitement he didn’t know, but it was likely a combination of both. Nick had that effect on him. He finally found the playlist he was looking for, one that he and Nick had made together one day, composed entirely of songs they both loved and some that one insisted be on there anyway. He connected his phone to the aux cord and let the playlist start on shuffle. He tried not to think about the fact that a New Kids on the Block song was the first to play as he climbed into the backseat. There was much more room back there, and a lot less of a chance for something to go wrong (despite how wrong this all was already). He watched Nick join him in the back, and he refrained from rolling his eyes at Nick’s words. He didn’t respond at first, instead moving to remove his jacket. He decided in that very moment that tuxes had way too many layers. “Stop talking,” Miles told him before reaching for the collar of Nick’s shirt to bring their lips together again. He’d be damned if he was going to let him stall and return to their back and forth bullshit again.

Nick faintly registered the familiar song on in the background, and realized that’s what Miles had been doing while he was outside. It was hardly surprising, honestly. If he’d thought of it he would have turned some music on too. He supposed it was only appropriate that this was their playlist. And one of their mutual favorite songs. All of that was an afterthought as Miles began to remove his shirt before bringing him in for a kiss, though. Nick didn’t need to be told twice. Unable to help but smile against the others lips briefly, his hands made work of removing his own shirt and jacket. Nick deepened the kiss, leaning into him while he unbuttoned everything as quickly as he could. They were definitely going to make the most of their time.

Miles had been right, which sort of really pleased him; the music really was helping. It filled the space around them, making it much easier to get lost in each other without having to worry about anything outside of what was happening between the two of them in that very moment. Miles took it upon himself to finish Nick’s job for him, pushing his shirt off his shoulders and discarding it on the floor of the car. He’d never truly been able to appreciate Nick’s body because that was creepy as a friend and this weird more-than-friends thing didn’t often leave room for that, so he took a moment to break the kiss and take it all in. It really was no wonder Miles couldn’t help himself around him. He leaned back in the seat, trying to adjust the way they were to fit in the small space. It was hard, but definitely doable. He reached up with one hand to thread through Nick’s hair, pulling him back down to kiss him again. This was certainly faster than he’d expected, but if they stopped to think about it, it would just get worse.

Nick happily helped Miles in the removal of his own clothes, shrugging his shirt off to the floor of the car before busying himself with trying to remove Miles’ shirt. Fingers slightly fumbling in his haste (and somewhere in his mind he might just be a little nervous too), Nick didn’t move away from their kiss until he had too. He took a sharp intake of breath as he noticed Miles looking at him. And while Nick was used to people staring at his naked body almost daily, none of those people had ever been Miles. And while sometimes the staring made him uncomfortable, this time he didn’t. It only spurred him on further; quickly working to pull his friends shirt all the way off to join his own on the floor. It was a little dark, but he still took a moment to admire the others body. He slid his hands over his chest and down to his stomach — his eyes following along until something on Miles’ arm caught his eye. Raising an eyebrow in surprised, he halted all movement in order to zero in on the picture on his friends skin. “Miles. What the hell is that on your arm?” He couldn’t help the amusement from seeping into his tone, despite the situation.

Miles noticed the way Nick’s breath hitched at Miles’ gazing, and he thought maybe he’d made it weird. But then Nick was doing the same to him and Miles had a similar reaction. He realized it was just as new to Nick as it was to him. Nick’s hands running along his skin made Miles shiver. His eyes darted down to watch his movement. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Nick spoke, and Miles let it out as he raised his head to look at him again. Shit. He’d completely forgotten about that. Miles looked at his own arm where the offending tattoo was, and he frowned. “Oh yeah, that — that’s my tattoo,” he stated simply. He licked his lips, meeting Nick’s eyes again. “It’s, um, it’s Scout riding a skateboard.” He hadn’t expected to have to explain it in this exact situation, but here he was. “I was really drunk. I got it with your brother.” He sighed. “I’m not really in the mood to talk about what I did with your brother right now, though.” He emphasized his point by running his hands down along Nick’s back, pulling him close and pressing his own body up against him. He lowered his voice, getting as close to Nick’s ear as he could. “I don’t actually want to talk about anything at all.”

Nick cast his gaze completely on Miles’ arm tattoo as the other male explained himself. He couldn’t help the small grin that made its way onto his face. Subconsciously, he moved his hand up to rest his fingers on top of the tattoo, tracing it as he inspected it briefly. “Nice.” He let out a breathless sort of laugh as Miles pulled him closer to press against him. “Lets not talk about my brother at all right now.” He almost laughed, but instead he leaned down to trail kisses from Miles’ neck to collarbone. “Then don’t.” He murmured against the skin, nipping gently while his hands resumed making their way down his body. “

Miles resisted the urge to swat Nick’s hand away, because he already knew it was there, so he supposed he’d let him get all his curiosity about it out now so they wouldn’t have to talk about it again later. Hopefully he’d just forget about it. Nick’s skin felt hot against his own. Miles’ eyes closed of their own accord, overwhelmed by the overall situation: Nick’s lips and teeth grazing his skin, his hands burning Miles’ skin, and most of all, no promise of either of them stopping anytime soon. Miles didn’t know whether he should worry about that, but he wasn’t about to say anything. He wanted this; he wanted Nick. His hands found the sides of Nick’s face so that he could pull him back up to kiss him again. He knew they should stop, that they should get out of the car and pretend this never happened. But he couldn’t bring himself to.

Nick was undeniably amused by the tattoo, but in all truth he wasn’t about to say more about it at that moment. He wasn’t sure what he was doing; what they were doing. But he did know he wanted to continue. That he didn’t want to stop until they had to, or until Miles changed his mind. He leaned back in to reciprocate the kiss as his friend grabbed him by the face. His hands drifted up Miles’ chest for a moment to cup his face instinctively before he started to deepen the kiss. Deciding to try his luck, his hands drifted their way back down until they were resting on Miles’ belt, thumbs resting against his stomach, he waited until he had some go ahead to go further. As lost in the moment as he was, this was still Miles. He didn’t want to move too fast and have them awkwardly fight with each other.

Miles originally wasn’t sure where this was going to go, assuming that something would happen to stop them before things went too far like the past two times, but this time there were no distractions and he was feeling sort of dizzy because of it. This was real and all of the alarms in his head were going off, telling him this was a bad idea, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. It was Nick, and fuck if Miles had ever been able to just walk away from him. He broke the kiss, his breath catching in his throats when he realized Nick’s hands had made their way all the way down to his belt. He glanced down, feeling his heart beginning to pound in his chest, because form here there was no turning back. But he could think of no immediate reason to say no, and everything inside of him compelled him to look back up at Nick and nod silently, his arms looping around his neck, sliding a hand up into his hair once again. He’d always liked Nick’s hair, if he were being honest, so naturally he’d take this opportunity to mess it up a little.

Nick knew this was a mistake. He knew this was wrong and that he should just stop before they completely went too far. But being this close to him, with no distractions and after weeks of on and off again fighting, was addicting. At least right now he could admit to himself how much he wanted him. Right now he wasn’t thinking about the rest of the world, or the consequences. Right now, he just wanted to pretend like he was normal and that he could do this; that he could be what Miles wanted. Feeling his heart stutter in his chest at Miles’ signal to continue, Nick paused for a moment to lean down for another kiss while his hands slowly undid his belt and slid off and onto the floor. He let out a soft grunt of approval as Miles’ hands found his hair. He’d always liked his hair being messed with. The fact that it was Miles’ who was doing it was strange simply because it was new. But he wasn’t complaining about it. Cautiously, one of Nick’s hands brushed over the front of his pants, testing the waters before his hand found his zipper.

Miles expected there to be some level of hesitance within himself, even reluctance, but he found that nothing else seemed to matter now. Nothing but how Nick felt on top of him, how good it felt to be close to him in this way. He could feel all sense of self control slipping away with each passing moment. He was desperate to be closer, holding Nick’s head in place to deepen the kiss, and he let a low groan escape despite Nick’s cautious movements. He raised his hips eagerly, finding it much harder to hold back now. He pulled away from the kiss to let out a shaky breath. “Nick.” It sounded more like a sigh, but it reminded him that this truly was Nick here on top of him, kissing him and touching him in the back of his own new stepdad’s car. It was insane. He still couldn’t really believe it. Miles’ lips found Nick’s neck instead, his kisses sloppy and not very well placed, but he resolved to blame it on the drinks he’d had and the fact that he’d never wanted someone so much in his entire life. He supposed Nick wouldn’t mind.

Nick was quickly losing himself in every kiss and every touch. His heart was racing, and if he weren’t so immersed in what was currently happening he’d feel pathetic. He was used to feeling a lot of different ways during sex. Some bad and some good. But it was never quite like this. And they hadn’t even really done much of anything. Not yet. Hearing Miles say his name encouraged him enough to begin to tug the other’s slacks down his legs carefully. Eyes running over his body, Nick’s right hand found itself splayed across his friends stomach, fingertips slowly inching downwards, toying with the waist band of his underwear before beginning to bravely slide his hand under the fabric. The sloppy kisses against his neck only made him want this more, and he hummed under his breath at the sensation before angling his head for another kiss.

Miles could feel Nick’s heart beating at a similar pace as his own. It was a comfort to know that Nick was probably thinking a lot of the same things right now, though Miles would kill to know exactly what was going through his mind. If it was similar to Miles’ own nervousness and excitement and slight fear all rolled into one, though, he knew that he wanted to help him somehow, and the only way he could think to do that was by slowly brushing one of his hands all the way up Nick’s arm and ending up in his shoulder, leaving it there, mirroring how Nick had been a comfort to him just a short time ago — only then they hadn’t been half naked and going at it, but still. Miles paused when his clothes continued to come off, and let his head fall back the moment he felt Nick’s hand on him, finally. "Fuck, Nick,” he blurted without thinking about it. It was weird to him, how it could be so strange but so right at the same time, because he trusted Nick with everything he had, and yet he was still nervous, unlike how he’d been with Lily or anyone else he’d ever encountered. Nick was different in every sense of the word. Miles groaned approvingly before raising his head to meet Nick’s lips once again. Still unable to contain his downright desperation, Miles pushed his hips up once again into his hand. One hand remained firmly clasped on Nick’s shoulder while the other came to rest on his waist. He hooked his finger through a belt loop on Nick’s pants and tugged on them a bit. He wasn’t about to be the only one falling apart at the seams here.

Nick tried to relax as Miles’ hand ran up to his shoulder. This was only Miles, he tried to tell himself. But therein lied the problem. If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t be nervous. But if it were anyone else, he wouldn’t want this as bad. The way his friend said his name definitely spurred him on, though, and he couldn’t help but eagerly press their lips together again. Nick’s fingers wrapped around Miles’ loosely at first, a million things racing through his head. He was touching his best friends dick, and he was sure there was about a thousand things wrong with that concept, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He let out a small groan in return when he felt Miles’ tug on his belt. And with his free hand, he reached down to assist him, trying to take off his own belt the best he could.

Miles didn’t know if he should be more calm about the fact that this was someone he knew so well. It was a lot more nerve wracking instead, which was strange in a way. But he didn’t really want to spend too much time thinking about it. He tried to focus on removing Nick’s belt like he wanted to, but there were a hundred things going through his mind at once. He rocked his hips up steadily while attempting not to break the kiss. He finally removed his hand from Nick’s shoulder so both could focus on the belt and throwing it to the floor with the rest of their discarded clothes. This was so wrong on so many levels, he kept thinking to himself, but that didn’t stop him from pulling away from the kiss to look down and unbutton and unzip Nick’s pants with fumbling hands, moving faster than his brain could keep up. He shoved them down as far as he could from his position, desperation taking over completely. He tugged on Nick’s arm so that he could make space to pull Nick’s body flush against his again instead. Wanting to keep his hands busy, he had one on the small of Nick’s back, pulling him closer as he rocked up into him again, his other hand grabbing the first thing he could find: Nick’s hand. He found himself entwining their fingers without thinking twice about it, raising their hands up above his head to rest on the seat under him. It just felt like something he should do, so he did it, because clearly there was no time for rational thinking here.

Nick felt like everything was happening too fast and too slow at the same time. He could feel Miles’ hands all over his body; leaving his skin feeling hot. The second the other man helped him push down his jeans and pressed closer to him, he was gone. His fingers curled around Miles’ own without a second thought, leaving their hands clasped on the seat below them. With his other hand, he slid it out from under Miles’ underwear only to try to push them down. Chest heaving slightly, he leaned back to look at his friend for just a moment, before completely making up his mind and leaning back down to trail kisses downward. There was no going back now.

Miles felt…different when it was over. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but it wasn’t particularly good, either. He just felt weird. Off. He took a few moments to catch his breath before it really hit him what had just happened, that he’d slept with his best friend in the back of a car — his stepdad’s car, at that. He didn’t know what to make of it. Before he knew it, he and Nick had silently moved away from each other and were working on sorting through their previously removed clothes. Miles was already trying to block it out, all the things he had said. He couldn’t tell if his face was just flushed because of the physical exertion or the fact that he’d said “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about this” in Nick’s ear at some point. He shuddered at the thought, suddenly moving way quicker to shove his arms through the sleeves of his shirt and fix all the buttons. He glanced over at Nick, who suddenly felt miles apart from him, and swallowed, his dry throat stinging as he did. “I-I don’t…” He wanted to say something, anything, to break the tension, but he didn’t know where to start. “We should get back inside,” he finally blurted without even thinking about it. He immediately felt stupid for saying it, though, because going back in together looking like this would surely raise questions. And besides, Miles couldn’t even look him in the eye.

Nick knew it hadn’t been a mistake to go through with it. He knew it wasn’t a mistake that he’d wanted him. But when it was over, it sure felt like one. The whole thing felt good; better than he thought he’d felt in a long time. And afterward, they’d even had a few short lived moments of peace. But they were just that. Short lived. Soon, they were both pulling on their clothes in complete silence. Nick couldn’t bring himself to even look at him, and judging by the coldness he felt from the others end, he knew Miles was probably having the same issue. “You go.” He cleared his threat and tried to sound natural, even though he wasn’t fooling anybody. “I have to go home. Check on Murphy.” It was a complete excuse, and Nick felt dirty for it. Guilty. But what else was he supposed to do? Go inside and pretend like nothing ever happened? He couldn’t do that, because both of them knew something did happen. And this time, it wouldn’t be as easy to brush off as a kiss was. “I’ll see you later though, yeah?” He said numbly, buttoning up his shirt. He almost wanted to laugh at how pathetic his words sounded to his own ears. Almost. “You can tell me how the reception was.”

Miles’s blush deepened and he looked back down again, fixing his pants and trying to look presentable enough to go back inside. He knew Nick was right that he should go. This had been a bad choice and now they were going to have to face it — but this was the worst time in the world, because Miles still had an entire wedding reception to sit through. He picked up his jacket and slung it over his arm instead of putting it on, then leaned into the front seat to retrieve his phone and Greg’s keys. He didn’t know what else to say. He kept avoiding eye contact while he opened the door and climbed out. The air hit him and was almost dizzying after being stuck in the car for so long. At Nick’s statement about seeing him later, Miles froze. He didn’t even know how to respond to that. When would he actually see him again? “Okay,” was all he said in response, because there was nothing else he could say. All he knew now was that he wanted to be away from Nick, as bad as that sounded, at least for now. He wanted extended family members to buy him drinks until he couldn’t see straight, and he wanted to try and be happy for his mom. He looked at Nick, thinking he should say something else but not quite knowing what, before simply turning on his heel and heading back toward the building to go inside. He had to put on a show now, had to face his mom on her special day, feeling something indescribable the whole time. He didn’t regret it. But he still knew they shouldn’t have done it.

Nick could feel the tension between them grow with every passing moment. While just moments ago, they’d been on the same page, now it’s like they were strangers. Briefly, he felt Miles look at him, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to look back. Nodding, mostly to himself, he finished dressing and stepped out of the car. His own car keys and other items were still stuffed deep in his pockets, and he had to rifle around until he found his keys, but as soon as he did he was off in search of his own car. He had no reason to stay.

#CANON #the right stuff #current verse #the first 'sex in gregs car' thread was just a teaser for the good stuff #or should I say the right stuff hahahahahahaha

[nilesarchives]

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What ringtone my muse has set for yours: The Game of Thrones theme, because he secretly thinks he could pass as a cast member. He just has that look. 

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#lmao #PRE CANON #niles lite #memes