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To my family: I love you all so very much.

Shanta: I am so glad you have found peace and success and happiness.

Abhay: I am always amazed by how much you have done and the beautiful life you have built. Keep traveling, experiencing and enjoying life to the fullest.

Hriday: You were always my favorite brother. We have been on so many great adventures and I hope your life continues to be filled with exploration and creation.

Krsna: I love you so so much it is sometimes hard to quantify. You have grown to be the most intelligent, powerful and gracious person I have ever known.

Mom: Keep working to improve your life, I wish I had been able to see you find another wave of happiness. I know you have so many more stories you will live and tell.

Laila: Thank you so much for being my sister and for giving me so much. I don't have words for what you have been for me. You are just extraordinary and giving and wise. I love you so much and I am so glad we got to know each other with so much depth and honesty.

To my friends:

Emma: I am so sorry I wasn't able to be there more for you. I hope you can keep finding healing and safety and keep pursuing your wildest dreams. Thank you for the beautiful moments we shared over bread and otherwise. I love you.

Meg: You are everything that makes the world brighter. You saved me so many times and I don't think you even knew. Your generosity of spirit and unending kindness gave me so much light. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being you. Just thank you. I love you.

Michi: You saved me too. You saw me and let me be seen in a way that was so gentle and loving. You held my spirit like a gift. I love you.

May: Your strength, humor and style are unparalleled. I wish I could have been there for you more, but I also know that you will continue to live a life that is filled with so much joy. I love you.

Rachel: You are beyond amazing. Your fearless pursuit of adventure and joy is a sight to behold. I love you and Amaya and all of the incredible people that make up your family. I love you. PS please take the washer and dryer.

Anh: To my oldest friend. I know you will understand this the most, so I will say the least. Your magic is profoundly beautiful and I am privileged to have been able to experience it. Thank you for every word you have ever shared with me. I love you so much.

To everyone else:

I am so sorry for all of the hurt that I have caused. All of the frustration and anger and misery I let out on all of you. I wish I could have been better for you, to you. You deserved better. I hope you all find comfort and love. I hope you live long and happy lives surrounded by the most joyous of experiences, whatever that may be for you.

I tried. I have been trying for much longer than I ever expected to survive this life. I just don't have the energy to keep trying.

I have loved you all as much as I could and I hope my memory brings some of you happiness.

Thank you for loving me while you could.

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Black Brazilian painter Maria Auxiliadora (b. 1935 - d. 1974) pictured with her works

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she was such a queen for this

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I have always asked for too much

Taken too much

Needed too much

I cannot ask for anymore from anyone

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Sitting in the parking lot at the pharmacy, I need to go in and get my prescription but I am waiting for the crying to stop. Waiting for my face to look normal enough.

Today has already been a hard one. I spent the weekend trying to spend time with several different people, anything to get me out of the house.

Everything keeps falling through, which happens, but it is getting hard to be alone right now.

My plan, the plan, a plan for dying has been sitting so heavy in my head. My whole life I have intentionally made them a little too elaborate, as a deterrent.

There is only one piece left in this plan and thankfully it is the most elaborate. So hopefully I can find a way to step away from it.

I have spent most of the last week staying out of the house because being home alone isnt safe.

I walk for hours sometimes, until my legs go numb. I sit in parks until my toes get too cold. I used to drive around, but I cant afford the gas right now.

All of this works but it also means nothing gets done at home. I am not doing what I need to do to make money, or cleaning or even packing and selling things off like I should be.

So I get home from distracting myself and now there are more things I have failed at staring at me.

It is a cycle I cannot get out of. I had to stop therapy because I couldnt afford it anymore. I am on waitlists for several therapists that are cheaper but who knows when that will happen.

I am trying with everything I have to keep myself alive and I still dont even know why.

Perhaps some ingrained instinct for self preservation?

I think the part of my death plan that makes me the saddest is that I would put a large sign on my front door that says “CALL 911”

Because I dont want my body to sit and rot. I dont want my neighbor to have to find me or smell me: And I know nobody will come looking for me for at least a couple of weeks. I dont want the cats to go hungry.

For me when I have reached the culmination of my suicidal thoughts, things always go quiet. There is a lot of turmoil then suddenly it all feels really clear and thats when it is most dangerous. Thats when youre reaching the end.

I have had moments of that lately and its why I am trying so hard to stay away from it. Once you have let your death plan become reality the worry melts away and you have this glorious bright relief that washes over you.

I am throwing away more and more pieces of my life everyday. Trying to make it as small as possible. Or maybe I am trying to make the cleanup easier, I really dont know for sure.

There is a lot I dont know.

What I do know is that today I am going to try really hard to keep myself alive. I might succeed and I wish I could say that gave me peace, but it doesnt.

I think about my friend Louise a lot and I wonder if I would get to see her on the other side.

The last time I saw her I brought her soup and we sat on her porch. The sun was warm and she was so vibrant. That was the week before she killed herself.

I hope somebody gets to have a nice memory like that for me.

#crying in the walgreens parking lot #I'm really scared today

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The Need to Stay

(Thought I’d upload my recent comics to Tumblr! I totally forgot it only lets you upload 10 pics at a time, and this is 11, but fingers crossed it works!)

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Yeah I am gonna start watching Dr. Who again

#dr who #ncuti gatwa

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TW: Suicide

The topic of mental health is something people have become much more open to talking about, but few actually look into how we treat those who have severe mental illnesses.

Yes we say talk about your anxiety and depression, normalize it!

People even often say Mental Health is just like Physical health right?

But do we actually treat it like that?

Two years ago I was injured at work and I had people show up with food, send me money, cards, games, phone calls, texts. Immense amounts of support. Consistently.

Because I had a physical injury and that we understand.

As I have spent the last year suffering from an intense mental health crises that same grace has not been extended.

I have asked for help, begged for it even and the response is so different. Nobody is showing up with food, or gifts or simply to check on me and see if I am okay.

Families & communities create plans when someone has a terminal illness to provide support in every way possible.

Why don't we view Depression (and a host of other mental illnesses) as a terminal illness?

Approximately 40,500 people die from breast cancer every year.

Approximately 45,000 die from suicide every year

That number is not counting the people who die from self medicating with various substances or engaging in passive suicide through risky behavior

We understand that cancer is deadly and that a person has to now face death everyday and they may have to take drugs that make them feel worse and possibly won't work at all

We have grace for their anger and fear

We have grace for their inability to do basic tasks of self care

We don't respect or understand that mental illnesses can be the same way

Yes, you can try medication that might make you feel better, or worse, or not work at all.

Or perhaps a medication that was working will just stop and now you're facing your own mortality again

When you are in a space were everyday you have to look death in the face, it's messy and aggressive. It isn't gentle or simple.

When you are in a space where you an unable to feed yourself, bathe yourself, work, speak, sleep. When you are unable to do the most basic parts of what it takes to feel just alright in your own body...

Why don't we show up? Why is that giving so limited? Why don't we forgive the anger and mistakes?

It's because we, as a society, still view mental health as a choice not asa terminal illness. Suicide kills 1 in 80 Americans. It's the 12th leading cause of the death in the United States. Once again these numbers are excluding other forms of passive suicide.

I have stood in showers fully clothed and held up friends as they broke down because they hadn't been able to shower in weeks and now they couldn't keep it together anymore.

I have sat at bedsides and simply watched someone sleep.

I have dropped off food when I barely had any to give. Did laundry, dishes, scooped litters, fed pets and picked kids up from school. Showed up with whatever I could to hold space.

I have slept in my car when someone was too embarrassed to let me into their home, but they needed to know that someone was there.

I did those things because I know how lonely and quiet you are expected to be when you are in a space where you are thinking daily about ending your own life.

I know that experiencing this illness everyday is exhausting. The effort it takes to keep yourself alive is immense. Always being hyper aware of not letting yourself get too close to or have too much access to something that may be your cause of death.

Bridges? For a long time I have avoided them, I refuse to walk over a bridge. Guns? I will never own one or stay in a house that has an unsecured gun.

The list is so extensive, but it takes constant vigilance to keep yourself alive when your own mind is telling you to die.

There is very little space for the conversation of suicide. People will tell you to go to a doctor, but that leads to many people being involuntarily hospitalized. The reality is most people cannot afford that in both a literal and psychological sense. What will happen to their job, their home, their pets or their children? What happens when you get home and you are still without support?

Many people who are in a state of suicidal ideation will never be able to get the most out of therapy, because they cannot safely share what they are really experiencing. If they can even get access to therapy.

We are forced to lie. We are forced to lie to keep our freedom and autonomy. We are forced to lie to preserve our relationships with those we love. Many times we just isolate ourselves because it's easier than having to lie all the time.

What if someone said "I have a terminal illness and I am afraid I am going to die" and we showed up how we do for other terminal illnesses?

What if we showed up as a community with care, food, gifts, money and patience?

What if we loved them through it even as they fell apart?

What I have gotten in the last year when I have told people that I am afraid I am going to die is just nothing compared to what I got when I told people that I was physically injured.

I have flat out told people, I haven't been able to feed myself. I have not been able to take care of my cat. I have not been able to work. I have not been able to shower.

I have told people. I am afraid that I will not make it through the night.

I will get the occasional text the next day asking "You feeling better?" sometimes a little emoji or funny gif

Imagine responding that way to someone else who told you they faced the reality of their own mortality every single day and not seeming like an absolute asshole.

It isn't different. No matter how much we have been conditioned to believe that it is.

Those that suffer from severe mental illnesses deserve the same support, because it is just as deadly, but we are asked to go through it silently and mostly alone.

We are told to seek support in places that actively harm us and we are given very little space to just state what we are experiencing. We lose friendships and relationships.

Often our spaces and our bodies fall apart as our mental state becomes more deadly and that causes even more suffering. Even more pain.

Suicide deaths are almost double that of homicide deaths.

Often after someone commits suicide you hear people say "I wish I had known"

Even when people do know, we are not taught how to support people going through this. What we are taught is harmful and causes more pain.

Show up like that person just told you they have cancer and they are seriously ill and they are scared of dying.

Anything else is not enough.

1.2 Million people attempted suicide in the United States last year, this number is probably not correct because people don't talk about suicide openly.

130 people die every day by suicide.

Every 11 minutes someone dies by suicide.

I am saying all this in the hopes that someone, anyone learns how to treat those around them who are experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Just show up and give like your loved one may die tomorrow and you want to make sure that they know they are loved and cared for. You want to give them every chance to rest and every chance to nurture their body through this illness.

All in the hopes that they will be able to step away from the brink of death someday.

#mental health #depression #pain #community

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Merge Mansion ads are really giving more drama and plot than 90% of the shows on Netflix rn.

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my constant state of mind

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Oh I get all comfy and the mental illness decides now is it's time to fucking shine

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Brainless twitter discourse is so much more dreadful to me than even peak-era tumblr discourse because in its heyday tumblr discourse was almost exclusively written by 15 year olds who were naturally myopic, reactionary, reductive, and angry due to the condition of being 15. On twitter you find exactly this same kind of brainless behavior but with a 50% chance it was written by a 28-year-old with a masters degrees

#why i dont fuck with twitter

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the lovers

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#woke up to this song in my head #and the smell of brown sugar and shea butter in my nose #thought i was getting better

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Soft romance is underappreciated. Yes, take my hand and kiss it or play with my fingertips. The little looks and knowing glances shared between two lovers. The smell of their fragrance as they walk past you at home. Those are the moments that are all too easy to miss if you aren’t paying attention.