penholmes
ren
My Diary of Unsaid Thoughts; all thoughts are from that memory i held dear if anyone reads this, note that everything i wrote below is a moment of weakness.
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april 27th 2024
today was the worst. i attended to a birthday celebration i was invited to. out of respect, i went there, knowing that i have some other errands on my back. because that same day, there are two places where i am needed to be. my mistake, i did not balanced my time well. and it was a hell of a disaster. i cannot cut my body into half to go both places at the same time. i lend about 3 hours for that errand, ang 4 hours for the celebration. i knew i had to go home when clock strikes at 3:40pm. but it was unfortunate of me. i felt embarrassed in front of a lota people. i could not look at him even. i felt ashamed and disgusted by myself. now it is in his mind, witnessing how dramatic, problematic ass bitch i am. i got worried and this is the only thing that makes me cry. well? the scolding? makes me wanna puke the shit outta 'em. fuck that for real. so sick and tired of it but later on i reminded myself that this isn't the first time. i may have felt embarrassed, but i realize i got used to it. my heart and mind felt numb. i had no feelings anymore. i had no reactions. just me sitting there like a stray. hearing the words from my right, coming out to my left. the thought that they should be grateful im not like any other teens begging to be somewhere stable, and being in drugs, depression or even suicidal state.
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"Like the trees in the autumn breeze
It's ironic the way that you leave"
been such a banger in my head, the reason why i made a playlist dedicated to jvke and the orchestra-ish people.
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were we blessed by the godz? because omg our defense was moved on friday!
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the types of heartbreak.
the heartbreak of finding myself within you, or rather the other way around. the mask begins slipping, as do we. cover our wounded souls with tape that doesn't hold. find ourselves reaching the precipice of the end and not even looking before we jump.
the heartbreak of realizing I am not who I thought I was. I am not sunshiny smiles and rays of laughter. I am not the feeling of gentle hands finding their way into silky hair, a soft purr of contentment. I am rockslides, tsunamis, thunderstorms. I am rage and disasters unknown. I am pain that has no name so you must give one to it, humanize it so as to understand how devistating humanity can be.
the heartbreak of waking from a nightmare. it was a justification for my pain, today I am allowed to feel as I always do because I had a nightmare. I am allowed to be upset, angry, numb. today, I am allowed. tomorrow, I will find something else to justify it.
the heartbreak of exhaustion. once I realize how exhausted I am, there is no letting go. there is no forgetting the ache in my flesh, there is no ignoring the insatiable urge to collapse and sob and beg for it to end. there is nothing good or righteous in existing.
the heartbreak of never going back. i will never be where I was, never place my feet in the same spot twice. I will never be in moments of absolute bliss I remember. I will forever romanticize the past, try to convince myself that I was beautifully happy. I am longing for a past I didn't have, to become my future.
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intro (end of the world) - ariana grande
How can I tell if I'm in the right relationship?
Aren't you really supposed to know that shit?
Feel it in your bones and own that shit?
I don't know
Then I had this interaction I've been thinking 'bout for like five weeks
Wonder if he's thinking 'bout it too and smiling
Wonder if he knows that that's been what's inspiring me
Wonder if he's judging me like I am right now
I don't care
I'd rather tell the truth
Than make it worse for you
If the sun refused to shine
Baby, would I still be your lover?
Would you want me there?
If the moon went dark tonight
And if it all ended tomorrow
Would I be the one on your mind?
Your mind? Your mind?
And if it all ended tomorrow
Would you be the one on mine?
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lmao little did i know that what i wrote here helped me answered my homework hahahahahaha
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the urge to just cry and lean on someone's shoulders bcos of tiredness, drained, and unstable state. i just want to let it all out. my grades are now at stake, my mental health is getting worse, my physical body and health is becoming weak. how do i face this?
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im getting so tired at school i dont even care enough bout my grades anymore
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