plantley

[plantley]

I honestly shoulda just killed myself the day I first thought about it. Would have saved me a lot of trouble and mental breakdowns

#very genuinely should have tried harder at 15 #if i knew life would keep sucking i would just gotten it over with

[plantley]

we’re finally talking and i want to rip my teeth out, i hate venerability

update: nail in coffin, we are for sure putting the cat back in the back. he back out bc he knows he’s not in a good enough headspace to get into a relationship, and end of the day our friendship is more important. i made it clear he can’t give me mixed signals/lead me on. i’m glad to finally clear the air, i don’t know if i regret the whole situation or not but i’m glad to have closure

#m #personal

[plantley]

death is insane. wdym i’ll never see my grandmother again

[plantley]

emma mom didn’t make it. i don’t even have words

#personal

[plantley]

i just asked if he wants to talk, i want to throw up. either way this conversation goes i want to combust

it’s been an hour and he still hasnt opened it and i would like to die

he could be asleep but if i don’t got this over with there is no way i am sleeping tonight

#personal #m

[plantley]

classic post rant quora phrase

[plantley]

STOP IT, I WANT TO BE NUMB

#personal #m

[plantley]

god i fricking in love with him

get this out of my head, i cannot deal with this

#personal #m #maybe it’s just that i’m drunk

[plantley]

i’m tipsy and i want to call him so badly, but i don’t want to make a fool of myself. i should not be allowed to feel things, i feel so weak and vulnerable when i like someone. i don’t want to be hurt. life is so hard with cancer and everything else, i can’t handle being heartbroken and i have no reason being so head over heels for him. i hate that the first guy i’ve like in years is one of my best friends. why couldn’t it be anyone else

#personal #m

[plantley]

Random fact: They did a study on courtship and mating behavior of American alligators at the St. Augustine Alligator Farm in the early 1980's. This study revealed that, among other things, the majority of alligator sex is gay

[plantley]

do it for her (your thirteen year old self)

[plantley]

ughhh i just want to fucking talk to him about whatever this is and know where he stands. even more so i want him to like me and just fricking kiss me. i want him to pull me in close. i hate having emotions, i feel so pathetic

#personal #m #like i what to know where he stands but i want him to stand firmly liking me and wanting to date

[plantley]

our friend group is gonna for sure do a pumpkin carving party or halloween party (possibly both), so next time i’m gonna pull him aside after like 2/3 drink and ask if we can talk. bc i have no idea what conversation we had this past weekend and i really need to hash this out. i’m gonna be clear that i fricking like him and want to give this a try, but i’m fucking confused by him and have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling but he’s still being flirty and also feels something but i am not gonna be there to be stung along or a drunk option when he’s bored. i’m gonna say how i’m not gonna try and convince a guy to like me, but i think he does really like me and he’s scared of giving it a shot. i want to sort this out, because i hate gray space and the not knowing of it. ugh! i really with i could just have this conversation like right now and figure out what is going on in his stupid brain!! i do not understand boys. i don’t understand why he ended the “trial period” before it even started! i don’t know why he talked me into thinking this was a good idea and then changed his mind so quickly! i feel like he opened a can of worms and then got freaked out and tried shutting the can but now there’s just loose worms everywhere and im stuck with these worms!!!!!!

#personal #m

[plantley]

future bf standards

would happily chop firewood for me. like if i’m just bored and wanna play with fire, or am cold, or want s’mores

southern and outdoorsy

preferably gone to therapy or would be willing to

good relationship with mom

will go camping with me

will take me dancing

notices the little things. can pick up on small signs of when i’m getting to a bad place or when i’m in a good place

actually gets me flowers, or just pick me some

isn’t an alcoholic

tattooed

able and willing to work through problems and not just call it quits

sense of stability and has some idea of a plan or ambition

wants a simple happy life, not hustle obsessed. just wants to build a sanctuary together

wants animals, maybe would be down to have a plot of land with like chickens and stuff

supportive of my art

be able to imagine a future together. i’m tired and would really like the next guy i date to ideal be like the real deal

is able to understand/been through dark shit and be able to have real talks about it but also be able to joke about it

wouldn’t leave me if my cancer comes back or i get sick again. statistically, it’s super common as a woman to be cheated on or left if you get ill. but also i need to be able to trust that i’m not a burden and they feel forced to stay with me out of pity

doesn’t make me feel like a burden

doesn’t mentally, emotionally, or physically abuse me

is good at back and forth communication. will not just shut down and block me out

gets along with my family and wants me to be involved with his

takes me out on proper planned dates, not only just hanging out and watching tv or having dinner

interdependence but not codependent. like we can lean on each other and make each other better but are still independent and individual people who can function without each other

not clingy/possessive, but makes be feel like theirs. makes me know i’m theirs and they’re mine

interested in each others hobbies and wants to be involved

is able to talk about their feelings and emotions openly

let’s me know if there is a problem or something we need to to talk about. doesn’t just bottle it up until it explodes

doesn’t make me feel bad for feeling things strongly or make me feel like i need to tone myself down and make myself smaller

makes me feel confident in my skin and not feel compared to other girls

makes me truly feel loved

will get excited about things with me. like if i’m really excited about an upcoming meteor shower or something lame, they’ll be excited with me, even if it’s not particularly something they care about but they care because i care

will go to concerts and see bands with me

is sentimental and remembers small moments that mean a lot

wants to put in the effort and so cute mushy things. like wants to do picnic dates or paint nights and cheesy things

uses nicknames and terms of endearment. i’ve never had a bf call me love, sweetheart, babe, honey. sweetie, dear, etc and i think it’s so precious

wants to show me off and is proud of me

isn’t a cheater

loyal. in a romantic relationship but also just in life. loyal to friends and people they love and keep their word when they say something

not long distance

can deal with my adhd, so like will go on walks with me and follow my stream of thoughts and bounce back and forth with me

wants to travel and do road trips and adventures

down for spontaneous plans, like pulling off at a flea market or new hiking trail on a whim as we pass it

makes me feel safe and i can tell them what i’m genuinely feeling. i have a hard time opening up and truly letting myself be venerable, because being venerable leaves you open to being hurt

someone i feel secure in the relationship with. that i don’t have to second guess how they feel about me or worry that they’re going to leave me or that i’m not enough for them

comfortable with the day to day mundane things together. like able to doing separate things in the same room and feel at peace being together. like one of us cooking in the kitchen and the other doing something on the computer, and us being happy in the same space

will come to art events with me and clean up nicely

precious forms of intimacy, like kisses on the cheek and forehead, twirling me around, holding my hand or thigh, etc

is able to apologize when needed

works together against the problem, not against each other

doesn’t yell or raise their voice in anger

able to joke and tease each other

active/likes to workout. being big strong man who can throw me around would be nice

#personal #boys boys boys #m #am i thinking about max while making this list? yes #i am so head over heals it’s pathetic and i don’t even understand how he feels and for all i know he’s over it and this is completely #stupid wishful thinking and i’m getting my hopes up all over again #i want to date him and have all of this and a happy life and build something real with him #i can imagine it so easily and i think we could actually make this work

[plantley]

Booby traps? Sure, I would easily fall into a trap if I saw boobs

#scooby doo #very free jones energy

[plantley]

he called things off like weeks ago before we could even try it out, but at least to me it’s felt like trying to put the cat back into the bag and i still like him but am just like ignoring. he visited me in the hospital and i’ve felt like there’s still a click. and this weekend we had a party and like as soon as i came in he kissed me on the cheek and said “i glad you’re here and okay” and was flirty enough for the whole night that jules even noticed and we had talked about it. yadda yadda i totally blacked out and apparently fell asleep in the bathroom, but at some point he tried having a real talk with me about the whole situation but i was wasted already so i have no idea what either of us said. apparently he didn’t like however it went (i still simply have no clue) and he’s been avoiding me. god i hate dealing with emotions. i want to have a real proper talk and hash this out (honestly ideally he owns up to his feelings and opens up because i want to give this a real chance). my brain can’t even let itself really imagine how badly i want this and how happy i think being with him would make me. i can imagine the mundane parts of a relationship and the sweet parts and dealing with hard things

#m #personal #boys boys boys

[plantley]

i got out of the hospital yesterday, but im just processing that i genuinely thought i had a brain tumor and was unfazed. i didn’t cry, or ask many questions, or get worried. i think that’s probably an unhealthy reaction. like i truly don’t care if i die

#personal