pondscummy

[pondscummy]

this being the constant state of the kitchen (ft. food residue caked onto a "clean" dish is rly doing a number on my psyche

#can you just clean. #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

bruh who shit in the shower I hate it hereeeeeeeeeeeeeee I hate it

#HELLO 💀????? #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

why are you acting like I'm yelling 😭😭😭

#i'm wondering if my other roommate texted her that i was mad this morning tbh #bc the kitten ran under my bed when i was trying to get downstairs to log onto work and i was like 'pixel you jackass' and growled at him #and my roommate came to the door like in their underwear w the laser pointer to lure him out and said absolutely nothing to me and then #slammed their door and i was like ??? bc i didn't fucking ask fhejdbdk #i wasn't even mad at him i was just exasperated. so i was like maybe it was the growling??? which is an old habit bc everyone in my house #growing up did it as like an 'ugh' equivalent. maybe it's a scary sound to other people tho idk fshkddbk i'm desensitized to it if so #it's just a back of the throat noise idk #anyway i'm irritated bc i've been nothing but nice to this girl and she's acting like i'm about to hit her. she's never even seen me in a #mood worse than tired so i'm like where is this coming from??? and only thing i can think is that my roommate who thinks i'm sooo scary for #no reason other than sometimes i am visibly in a bad mood on my way to my own room (i asked them. they told me my mad face is triggering to #them LMFAO like they walk around looking pissed literally all the time 😭 i at least put myself in time out) #anyway only thing i can think is they misinterpreted me having a like. 'are you kidding me' moment as being enraged #the amount of walking on eggshells i feel like i have to do here is SOOOOO. like i'm sorry but we Live together i'm not going to be sunshine #and rainbows 24/7/365 why is it a HUGE deal if sometimes i'm briefly annoyed or if i go to my room when i'm mad #esp considering it's always about something unrelated to people in the house and i can only think of 3 times it's happened in over a year #why is that a big enough thing to like freak out our other roommates??? #pond.txt #whatever they might not have even said anything #i'm just. i'm not DOING anything 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #and i didn't want them pissy in their underwear in my door this morning without even asking tbh

[pondscummy]

okay less venting and more soliciting actual feedback here about whether my opinions are too wild for me being a lef//tist, which is not something I ever want to do in a setting where randos are basically guaranteed to see it lmfao

I was telling my friend about a new crush I have on a different work guy than the first and I was trying to guess his age by the fact that I know he was dep//loyed into active milit//ary duty at some point after starting at our company, which makes him likely to have been within about ages 24-30 when it happened, bc the mili//tary owns you for 8 years after you enlist and can call you back whenever it wants. it's also very common that they pull from either the nat//ional guard or the voluntary res//erves, as opposed to like the standard branches who aren't currently serving.

anyway my friend told me that to them being in the mili//tary is just as bad as everything going on with my other coworker (who I could Never date fr bc his poli//tical opinions are so different from my own) and I was like really????????? bc like idk Yeah if he's in the voluntary re//serves that's bad to me bc it means he did his time and then was like yep I believe in this enough to keep doing it whenever you want me to past the time you own me even. I'd get major ick from that. but *i* almost enlis//ted in the nat//ional guard 😭 I was like 19 and stupid and had been raised by more con//serva//tive leaning parents and I just sort of saw it as a way to pay for school without really having to do anything too bad. I would've been very wrong bc they sent that branch to fight in afg//hani//stan and also used them in the por//tland prot//ests. but that was my thinking. and by the time I'd actually enl//isted if I'd done so I would've been 20 and they would have been able to call me back until last year, when my feelings were Very different than they'd been when I was barely not a teenager anymore

so idk in my mind, being or having been mi//litary is not an all a strike against someone who's had several years to change, it just makes me look a little closer to see if they have or if they are for a bunch of shit I'm against. but is that like super wild that I feel that neutral like is that something I should be re-examining???? idk

#my main takeaway from the train of thought had been that i didn't know enough about all the different branches to be trying to guess his age #lol. the range wound up being the entirety of his thirties and i was like well that helps me not at all bc that's already what i figured #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

so me and roommate L talked on Sunday and I finally like aired some of my grievances and was like hey you really hurt me w how you treated me during my recovery and I realized I actually really don't feel like I can safely communicate with you and I haven't felt like I could for a very long time. and they did apologize and we decided to just be polite roommates and not friends at all and that's a big relief honestly bc now I'm not carrying around this tension the way I was before bc I know there's not expectation from either side but like. it's also freed me up mentally where I'm not thinking about all the immediate stuff anymore and instead I'm like remembering various random things that pissed me off but weren't big enough to focus on before lmao

the one I'm stuck on rn is how insistent they are that I'm on the spectrum. idk they do a lot of explaining myself to me that makes me like. bro shut Up you don't know what my lived experience is like lol you have no concept of anything. which. for context I have a dx and I thought I was on the spectrum for years and years but weirdly enough going to therapy and working through my ptsd made a lot of those symptoms just.... start vanishing. and one of my friends had been undiagnosed for the same reason so it got me thinking about it and talking to my therapist at the time and like. ptsd can present rly similarly. like I was neglected and abused as a child and I literally did not learn social skills, and I was very fearful of other people. as I like worked through the stuff that had instilled that in me and found my stride w stepping out of my comfort zone and getting comfortable being uncomfortable I really don't find it particularly hard to talk to people. I retook the RAADS and I got that I have tendencies but am not anywhere near diagnostic level. I'm literally moving states bc I find the idea of being in a new place and starting from scratch socially rly exciting and I want to like go out to events on my own and meet people both through apps and more organically and I want to get to be in the office with my coworkers like. obv there's more to a dx than just social anxiety but the things that my dx was primarily based in (social anxiety, need for stability/routine, aversion to connection, even sensory issues) are so easily linked back to trauma for me and like. being on the spectrum doesn't go away w therapy?? also I've found it harder and harder to befriend other people on the spectrum; I find I have less in common as time goes on and that my communication style is more focused on like small talk and less directness etc. and I don't tend to get special interests at all anymore like I find it a little difficult to discuss interests w people for long periods of time.

anyway idk my experiences just make me think that it was an incorrect dx but a rly understandable one. I'll probably always have tendencies and get along pretty well w others who do or who are on the spectrum but like I just don't think that I am. and whenever I tried to talk about this with them they'd shut it down and be like um I'm pretty sure you are lmao. and when we talked Sunday I made a comment about making some assumptions about their facial expressions at one point and they were like well we're both on the spectrum so. and I was like my guy I can read facial expressions just fine. if you're saying I can't read yours accurately bc You're on the spectrum then fine. sure. I actually think it's bc you're always so fucking stoned that every muscle in your face is dangling from the frame, personally, but like. i don't have this probably of misreading anyone else dude. like ffs stop armchair diagnosing me and acting like bc you said it then it's law. UGHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH. it would be one thing if I thought they were saying this stuff bc they think I'm distancing myself out of internalized ableism or something. but it really seems more like they bring it up only to tell me how bad I am at things. which like I'm sorry lmao but. if I'm not giving this vibe to anyone else and I'm not displaying symptoms predominantly in my day to day life and if they're rly seeming to be correlated to my ptsd, maybe you're literally just triggering for me to be around. asshat

#pond.txt #anyway anywho. this one has been bugging me forever #i just don't meet the criteria anymore i don't want to pretend to have something if i clearly don't. that feels weird and fucked up #and EVEN IF IM WRONG 1. not their place to decide and 2. it's literally not a disability if it's not causing me struggles #i befriend people easily. i don't feel anxious doing daily things. I've been doing great in my career which is Literally an influencr #*influence based role where my job is to help bridge gaps between departments and find compromises and deliver presentations and sometimes #argue w people in a way that doesn't cause conflict like my role is So social. it's all working w people smoothly and effectively and i've #gotten 2 raises and a promotion since october and I'm being considered for another promotion and my boss wants me to try for a raise again #next year like. i'm well-known and well-liked and that's not to say that's not possible for people on the spectrum bc everyone is different #but when i personally got diagnosed it was on the basis that this sort of stuff was unfathomable lmao. i couldn't make phone calls or hold a #conversation or project any sort of confidence at all like. the things i received my dx for no longer exist #idk he makes me feel like I'm genuinely out of my mind for thinking i could POSSIBLY have been mis-dxed

[pondscummy]

I will say I just want everyone to leave me alone lmfao. finding out my grandma got injured in a physical altercation w my piece of shit mother and is hobbling around injured while my mom wound up getting picked up by the police for a completely separate issue and thrown in jail, AND having to deal with my roommate's shitty attitude on top of that is like. can you just be chill for five fucking seconds

#like i still make small talk with them when we're in the same room and they like slam things and glare at me #like we both said we could be polite and only i'm actually doing that. sorry if you're mad i haven't fallen all over myself apologizing for #nothing yet but you're gonna have to deal with the fact that it's not going to happen. be nice dumbass #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

cunt lol

#that's the whole post they genuinely don't deserve more of my energy lmfao #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

oh originally I was also going to talk about things I felt like she should have grown out of by now but I got so distracted by the amount of mouth noises she was making that I forgot and now it looks like I'm like if you're 30 then sister just die.

things this 30 year old woman could stop doing at any time:

• talking to herself out loud in full sentences at normal volume right across the room while I'm at work

• spending every Wednesday and Thursday morning making and remaking coffee until she gets it "perfect" and throwing out all the earlier attempts and leaving spilled coffee and coffee rings all over the kitchen counter

• slurping her coffee loudly and wetly with less than a full second in between slurps

• smacking her lips and sucking her snot also loudly and wetly

• breathing

#this *is* making me laugh tbh. imagining being 29 and saying 'if you're 30 just stop breathing' w my whole chest #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

things this 30 year old woman could stop doing at any time:

• talking to herself out loud in full sentences at normal volume right across the room while I'm at work

• spending every Wednesday and Thursday morning making and remaking coffee until she gets it "perfect" and throwing out all the earlier attempts and leaving spilled coffee and coffee rings all over the kitchen counter

• slurping her coffee loudly and wetly with less than a full second in between slurps

• smacking her lips and sucking her snot also loudly and wetly

• breathing

#like girl just die. cmon. couldn't you have concussed yourself a little harder. where's the effort. #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

okay teehee this one is not angry but it is schadenfreude I don't want my roommates to know about so it goes here

I hate my roommates' romantic relationship w each other bc I think it's insane and unhealthy despite not having big blowout fights. like L's gf A has literally like gone off at them for bringing her coffee in a cup she didn't like before. and she used to get really upset to the point of ongoing arguments if L and I talked as soon as they got home bc she wants them to immediately go upstairs and spend the entire evening w her (this only stopped being an issue bc I stopped talking to L willingly). shit like that

and A is just a cunt in general like she doesn't say thank you if you say bless you after she sneezes, she's mocked me for health things, she's the one who interrupted my conversation w L when I had a seizure aura to like makeout and talk about her pooping habits. first time we ever met she told me she hated me like first thing lmao and then paid me $20 to go home so she could fuck L (to which L responded, and I quote, "did you just finesse my gf out of $20" as if somehow that situation was my fault)

so that's the sort of person we're dealing with. and I always sort of thought maybe it was my fault she acted like that but earlier their cat puked and I always clean it up but I was on my way to a meeting and was like mm. I don't care actually. not my cat not my problem same way my broken arm was not their problem in their mind.

anyway it's directly in front of you when you open the front door and A came home and must have seen it and she fully just. did some stuff downstairs, in line of sight of the puke, and then went upstairs and booted up a video game. like LEFT THE CAT PUKE FOR L TO DEAL WITH LATER LMFAO. cannae believe the way I act when I've furiously cut someone off is this girl's like BASELINE BEHAVIOR for a ROMANTIC PARTNERSHIP I'm losing my mindddddd this is unreal.

literally me watching these two shit ass people be together and cheering like

#i KNOW L hates when A leaves messes. boy you're in for a beautiful lifetime of living w someone w the emotional range and capacity for #responsibility of a 5 year old. THIS WOMAN IS ALMOST 31 LMFAOOOO what rotten people they both are. my god. #least it's not just to me! #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

girl how are you gonna be sitting in a common space talking in full sentences out loud to yourself when I'm trying to work

#do you have to be organizing magic cards at 8:30 am what the fuck #smacking ur lips disgustingly and singing to yourself and sucking your snot #and she LITERALLY is having a two person conversation by herself like can both of you pipe down or take it to your own room what the fuck #is your PROBLEM i am trying to read IT reports how the fuck am i supposed to concentrate #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

another petty one. my roommate I'm most mad at has tried to telling that I'm wrong about the definition of both mullet and kitsch. the mullet one was after a hairstylist and I talked about what we should do w my hair and she suggested and gave me a mullet and then my roommate tried to tell me that no one wore mullets anymore and I was like they're extremely popular w queer people rn and you've had one for a while and they argued w me despite having hair that looked just like this pic that comes up when I search for mullet.

the kitsch one was that I was talking about how I don't like kitschy decor and they argued that all my decor is kitschy and I was genuinely offended bc I don't care if other people have that style and enjoy it but it's not mine and they Insisted they were right even after I pulled up the definition and was like if someone isn't doing this on purpose that *is* considered an insult???

and if I google for examples like. this vs. how I decorate are not the same. girl these are very very different.

#also they're not the one into interior design That's Me i am the one w books on it and a YT history full of it like is it THAT hard to admit #like oops i thought that meant something else??????? i don't really think of anyone as being stupid unless they blindly double down #when they're presented w evidence they're wrong but OOOOOOF by that definition this dude's a grade A dumbass 👍 #pond.txt #nothing happened to spark this just my grandma pissed me off by being rly negative and then i remembered i need my mullet cut soon #and now we're here #i'm gonna go try jacking it off and back on again and see if that heals me.

[pondscummy]

all things considered this is so petty but my roommates are being so goddamn loud laughing and screaming and when i washed my clothes yesterday they came out of the washer Reeking of pot

#like this is all just making me so. like can you leave #i cannot believe i have another year of these people. my god. #the savings i put away from living here better be unreal #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

WILD to have been feeling like I was overreacting about my roommate for days and feeling like oh I'm just not giving them enough credit I'm sure they do care about me even though I'm usually pretty comfortable expressing hurt or need to friends and I don't feel safe doing that w them I'm sure it's exclusively a me problem. and then. scrolling back through this vent blog and it's just a log of various times they've hurt my feelings LMFAO

#pond.txt #man. we basically broke up today as friends bc theyd sent me this text a few days ago about how i scare them when I'm mad (bc i texted them #in the middle of the night saying hey i really need to be able to get sleep bc im going through x y and z can you corral your cat bc i know #he keeps you guys up too but like he is Your cat. and they decided that was scary mean lmao like i wish i hadn't deleted the text chain bc #like i Have acted up once before when mad and i can understand them feeling uncomfortable after it even tho it was a very odd situation #but usually i'm either rly conflict averse and avoid the subject and vent here OR I'm like mad-mad in a way i can't hide and i send myself #to my room without talking to anyone like idk why they found that message 'scary.' I'm gonna talk about anger management in therapy just in #case bc i don't want to be lashing out if i am and am just not seeing it but it was not a scary message) #anyway they sent a text about it and how i can always come to them and know it's safe and they don't like that they can't with me and they #don't want me to text when angry anymore and i read it and just was like yeah we're done bc i Can't go to you when I'm upset about literally #anything let alone something you've done and I'm well within my rights to be like it's 3 am and your cat is being So noisy put him somewhere #he isn't disruptive. and if you read into that idk that's on you. being tired and frustrated and explaining why I'm frustrated is not the #same as being scary angry i didn't even curse i was just like i already can't sleep bc i have one position I'm medically allowed to sleep in #and it's uncomfortable and they're fitting me for a brace soon and all day every day is physically exhausting rn i need sleep #<- sentences normal people are terrified of #anyway between those things and them taking potshots at me in the message i was like what is the point of being friends w you and i just #ignored and deleted it and soft blocked them and their gf and muted them both on instagram and today they brought the text up and they were #like are we good and i just kind of hesitated and they went it's also totally cool if you don't want to talk about it and i was like yeah i #don't really want to. i can be civil tho and they were like oh yeah same. i just figured you know we've got another year to go. #and i was like ahhhhh you want out of this friendship just as much as me huh lmao. nothing about repairing anything or getting on the same #page just. telling me that you're tracking the time too. and they seemed sort of relieved that i didn't want to discuss it. #so I'm like yeah we're dead to each other we probably have been for some time. we're just gonna get through now lmfao. be polite and distant #and then fully cut ties and never acknowlegde the other's existence ever again #oh no what a loss for me i won't be around to have me talking about having a seizure totally trampled over and interrupted by their gf #talking about her massive shits anymore. however will i survive. #i broke my arm trying to clear the ice for this girl so she could get to a lyft safely btw. worst move ever. a bitch is not worth this #good lesson in like. if people show me they don't care. my response should be okay they can get fucked then. from the start. #and not a bunch of desperate attempts to make them care. like she has been consistently mean and my 'friend' has consistently taken her side #no matter what and i should've just been like whatever happens happens if you do slip and hit your head again and die #well it was just your time 🙏 peace and love on planet earth

[pondscummy]

real burn that bridge when we come to it hours tonight

#pond.txt #soft blocked my roommate and FORMER best friend and his gf. like i won't vague where they can see it. i won't lose my cool with them in the #house. i will be cheery and polite. i will never fucking let them know why i suddenly cut ties. i will get through this year and i will move #to california and i will never ever ever have to see these people again. #it's fine it's whatever i'm getting my money i'm making progress healing my arm my career is on a continued upswing i'm enjoying dnd i'm #going to learn how to sew i'm getting back into therapy i'm already reaching out to people in my new town and making new friends like #bitch actually i'm going through one of the hardest times of my life rn and i am still thriving. literally reconnecting with my family too #got an APOLOGY from my FATHER people wait their whole lives for that. sorry but if the issue is that i know i deserve your respect and your #empathy now like. that's not changing and if you can't give that you're not getting any of my time energy or effort #and you can paint me as the villain if you want but the situation is more complicated than that #i'm not perfect but the difference between us is that at least i can own that about myself and continue to grow

[pondscummy]

if I could up and fucking move today uggghhshrhrhfhhfhfhfhhhhnhhhHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

like I'm just perpetually so pissed off here it's fucking disgusting in this house and the cats absolutely trash the place worse and make noise all night and drive me insane and living here has made me absolutely hate being around someone I'd considered a good friend and I'm just like. I wish there were no legal or financial repercussions for me just fucking dipping and leaving you with no way to pay 40% of rent and 25% of bills and 55% of internet. bc I'd do it

#like this absolute cunt wants to tell me that i'm being a burden to them on a day I'm paying $150 for them to stay home from work #literally just to keep me company after the second major surgery i've had in three weeks and ever since then i've been like lowkey you're #dead to me lmao i've dropped $650 on them in a matter of weeks to express gratitude w a spa package and to compensate their time away from #work for 2 days to transport me to and from surgery and literally just hang out with me the next day and they literally told me they're #just built different and in my shoes they would never ask for help like okay. hope you find out then ig. hope you get the chance to prove it #paid them $150 for them to have a day off hanging out w their gf and treating me like shit #whatever. i haven't paid it yet was thinking of just withholding it for however long it takes them to bring it up #and then making excuses as to why not or even just outright being like i don't rly know what you did that would warrant me paying you #sorry you missed a day of paycheck but you also didn't fulfill your end of that bargain. so. #pond.txt

[pondscummy]

I feel like kind of a bad person for this but a lot of the time I really feel like I would heavily prefer dating a cis man to dating a trans man

#pond.txt #like i feel like such a traitor lmao and obviously t4t is wonderful #I'd never like turn down someone i liked for being a trans guy; my last two meaningful relationships were w trans masc people #i'd very happily do that again but. But...... #idk i just. i Like cis guys in a way that feels more charged and more... idk i miss cis men. sure they can't understand my gender #but neither can i lmfao i don't know how much that matters to me these days so long as i felt safe and wanted w my partner #i literally always picture myself w a cis man as my partner and i think i feel safer w one sexually idk #i have a definite preference for dick and i've got a condition that makes my uhhhh hole entrance hypersensitive #in a painful way. and with cis men i can grin and bear some rly painful sex until the nerves get desensitized and it's easier #but with my ex i like Panicked w the strap and broke down crying bc it hurt and i didn't feel safe at all bc they couldn't like #feel what they were doing and respond to my comfort or lack thereof by touch-sense #it's hard to say 'just a little bit at a time' to somewhere wearing a strap unless they're actually watching them enter you #and that's so like. clinical to me in that moment bc *i'm* not turned on enough to see it as like. sexy that they're watching #i'm just thinking about being viewed while in pain and it feels so vulnerable in a Wretched way. not hot and nothing to distract me #meanwhile i've trusted multiple complete and total strangers w the same thing and been able to get through to a point where #i can relax and enjoy sex after they've initially gone in. but i Loved my ex boyfriend and i couldn't bear to even let him try #idk. and i sort of love the relationship cis men have to gender (aside from the more toxic elements) #like i love the ease of knowing they're men. the comparative lack of thought. in a sense that's More like my gender than what most trans #guys i know experience. i've had Very little dysphoria compared to most. i just am like a guy idk. i don't think about it or care to #i just always picture myself w a cis guy:( i wanna cis boyfriend