rangergirl3

[rangergirl3]

The thing about gradually coming to terms with long-repressed traumatic memories is:

Well, you tend to make jokes that no one else finds funny, but it’s how you cope. Sort of.

Mostly to fend off the screaming in your head.

Which can work. Until you have enough faculties to deal with it, which I thankfully do.

Trauma mentions after the cut. Nothing graphic, just yucky.

I made the following joke upon realizing that there is 100% no way I should ever trust my biological father or mother within 100 miles of me or any kids I have.

Let’s just say that waking up sweating, and visceral panic attacks, intrusive flashbacks, and a literal textbook worth of gradual realizations are a real bitch to work with when it ends up that I also have survived: incest. Wish that was a mistype. But it’s not.

Ugh.

Just YUCK.

Although the stuff my mother would tell me as a kid (aka If you ever tell anyone about the stuff that happens at home the social workers will come and take away your siblings and you’ll NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN) really starts to make sense now. (She was a real mean piece of work too. Each of my parental figures really does deserve the other. It’s a match made in Hades. I wish them a very predictably miserable eternity together.)

At the time, I just figured she really hated anyone knowing we, I don’t know, were noisy and messy at times, like kids tend to be.

But instead, my mind was just doing this: Running from anything I felt I couldn’t control. Which was everything.

Thank goodness I have stable relationships now. I mean, it still is nasty to deal with all of the health consequences - past and present - and I’ve definitely begun an overhaul of the house, instead of just a typical spring cleaning. Something about just throwing myself into a mountain of tasks can help me feel a little less lost when the noise inside my head gets too loud. (As long as I make sure I get enough sleep, rest, and relaxation, too.)

But yes, that’s…well, the biggest reason I took so much time off of Tumblr. There were other memories I uncovered - to no one’s surprise, I witnessed a LOT of messed up stuff in my early life that just got stuffed under the rug - including two suicides of total strangers because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time- side note - Please Please Please LIVE. Each life is such an irreplaceable treasure. Please choose to live. Please.

So. That was a lot. I’m a little bit nervous posting this, mostly due to some very cruel anons that have interacted with me in the past, but I wanted to update you, my friends🥰, on what all’s been up these last several months.

Just as a reassurance: I’m safe. I’m truly very happy. And I’m not going anywhere. Except maybe the library. Every time I get another set of books, and cart them back home, my husband just looks up at me and laughs, because it’s not even surprising anymore. 😂

Also my kiddo has asked for a Belle dress as a future gift so that she can ‘look and act just like my mama!’ Which made me supremely delighted.

And now, I’m going to go bake some zucchini bread. And brainstorm my next book. 😎 Because I think some people could really benefit from hearing that people with a terribly painful backstory can still snort milk out through their nose in delight at a funny joke. It just takes some time to get to that point.

#Rangergirl update

[rangergirl3]

I watched a skit on YouTube where each ‘personality’ had to deal with complete isolation and mine (the ISFJ) just spent it re-enacting their favorite TV show line by line and I felt very seen

Aka

I couldn’t stop laughing because that was 100% me, in my head, during a very difficult childhood, which probably saved my sanity

Because now, despite literally everything trying to kill me off, I’m quirky, instead of flat-out NUTS

*But instead of a TV show it was a medley of Disney lyrics, character quotations from books, and a self-insert character in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy

So what I’m saying is fiction is VERY GOOD FOR YOU

PLEASE ENJOY IT 🥰

#Fiction is good for you

[rangergirl3]

Wow, it’s been awhile.

Short update: Life is (still) busy. Lots of things to manage; but going well. 🥰

Long(er) update: Just after Christmas, I found out that some of the meds I’ve been taking for…oooh, about six years? It had fruit in it (or, at least, a fruit based derivative aka polysorbate which absolutely contributed to the skin on my hands being so, so bad these last few years). So, I ended up switching up some meds last month, and boy, that’s been an adjustment. Not a bad one, as things go, but it was definitely a lot to tackle on top of other stuff.😅 Hubby changed jobs (yay!), lots of paperwork came due (ack!), and I ended a long-term friendship which…eh. It sucks, but it was neccessary. Sad, though, too, not gonna lie.

Good news is, I have finally been able to work on relaxing! And I know that sounds odd, but I really have to W-O-R-K on that - and I’ve been sort of getting better at it!

I’ve been crafting (lots and LOTS of cross-stitching), and reading (Brandon Sanderson and Drew Hayes), and also occasionally brainstorming new fun stories! I don’t have anything definite planned right now, but we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, that’s the latest update from me - more to come soon! I hope. If I have the energy/spoons to do so. 🥰 Hope you’re all well!

#Rangergirl rambles #Update

[rangergirl3]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

#More than one #A couple of them are more: Oh wow How Are You Still Breathing Now #but I did notice one of my younger siblings drowning when she was…twelve? I was twenty-two - got to her in time - we were in a swimming poo #she’s fine but that was SCARY

[rangergirl3]

What does your husband do for work? Being a stay at home mom sounds like the dream life. I know, I know, it’s still busy and yadda yadda yadda but there are many women who do all that while working a full time job outside the house. It’s a huge privilege to have a hubby who makes enough to support a family on one income and I’m super jealous.

This…well, this strikes me as a bit of a rude question.

What should it matter what my husband does for work?

Like. I can’t even.

But I’ll answer truthfully, because I am honestly so proud of him, and of us as a team. ❤️

My husband does everything and anything he needs to do to support our family. This has included taking on additional part-time jobs, free-lancing, and contractor work. He’s my super-hero. ❤️

And, while it is truly a blessing for me to be able to stay home with our kiddo, it has come with some significant sacrifices on our end.

Since he uses the car for work, weather permitting, I walk to appointments. (Due to multiple skin and respiratory issues, I find it wisest to avoid public transportation). Until my skin sensitivity became something I could no longer ignore, I donated plasma twice a week to stretch our grocery budget a little bit further.

We do all our own yard work, house work, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and home projects. If we want a new look for our living room, we spend a weekend measuring and moving the furniture we already have around. Side Note: It’s awesome when you hit upon just the right configuration for your living room!

We do not eat out at restaurants. We do not purchase wine, juice, or soft drinks. (I do love me a good mead, but that’s not in the budget right now).

I do not buy clothes, shoes, books, makeup, jewelry, or other wants (like stickers, planners, pictures, or organizational baskets). My big treat of the week is a mocha from Starbucks, which I pay cash for, because I want to use my resources wisely. My husband also does not buy things he wants, because there are other priorities that need - well, prioritizing.

Like rent, kid’s clothes, kids shoes, groceries, doctors visits, medications, and, as a one-time expense, a 100% cotton comforter for our bed that’s made a night and day difference for my skin, as it seems that polyester (which is in a LOT of warm winter clothing and blankets) has been a major, ongoing factor for years in my skin irritation.

So, Anon, please don’t be jealous.

I’m incredibly happy with my life, but it still takes a lot of work to make it work.

It is worth it though. That, I promise you.

[rangergirl3]

However, this song and amv is superbly done with the timing of the music and movements! I've easily watched it though...five or six times in row. Just now.

I tend to hyper-focus on stuff to distract myself from other stuff. It's great when it works. :-)

#love this amv #so good! #the movements and sounds and beat of the music are PERFECTION #Youtube

[rangergirl3]

All I want for Christmas is: for my skin to actually. For five minutes at a time. To not drive me crazy.

Like, the skin is literally the largest organ of the body. I just want it to work the way it should! aka to not freak out with what feels like a full body allergic reaction to anything and everything, leaveing me half-crazed with irritated skin and the inability to touch anything! GAAHH!

Especially on my fingers, because it is VERY ANNOYING to want to do anything and have to factor in things like 'Well I could, but should I?"

So I end up doing this:

And it makes me grumpy. Because I want to do EVERYTHING. And not being able to use my fingers/hands really puts a damper on that.

#sigh #its not the end of the world but geez! #honestly makes me think I need to get blood tests or something #this has been going on for like over a year #and I am very much not a fan :/ #I just want my skin to not itch constantly when I try things like ketchup #or sliced turkey #it isn't much right? #goodness gracious

[rangergirl3]

Happy Spy x Family Day ♡

#I LOVE THIS SO MUCH #spy x family #I must must MUST save this image forever! :D #IT is AWESOME!

[rangergirl3]

#YES lol

[rangergirl3]

#I want to be this badass as a person AND an author ;-)

[rangergirl3]

when 23 year olds say “im getting old” cause they get excited by mundane things…for the love of. we used to get excited by BOXES as toddlers. maybe we’re just reverting to our childlike joy did u ever think about THAT.

#YES #childlike wonder is a great thing! #child-ish temper tantrums: totally not the same thing why would that even - you know what never mind #LEAVES #BOXES #GIGGLES #HUZZAH!!!

[rangergirl3]

For whoever might still (wrongly) think that stay-at-home parenting is ‘not a real job’:

And that’s just what I jotted down onto paper in about five minutes

In color-coordinated ink, no less 🥰

Oooh! Legitimate excitement here on my part - maybe my next book will be a ‘how housekeeping helps me enjoy the little delights of day to day routine’! 😆

Side note: Friends, is my handwriting what you thought it would like? ☺️

[rangergirl3]

reblog to give the person you rb’d this from a hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows

[rangergirl3]

What a coward to come at a stranger on anon for having the gall to gasp talk about their experiences. They should try using the veil of anonymity to perform acts of good and send positive affirmations to people. Who knows, they might end up feeling happier that way (no amount of emojis can hide what’s in your heart, rude anon).

Thus, I’m here to balance out the rude anon with a hopefully decent one.

Your courage is commendable and anyone who judges stay at home parents like they don’t work is an ass who has never unloaded a dishwasher, or stayed up with a sick child all night

Fools, fools and assholes. What is to do with them ?

You are a very kind anon!! Have a hug!! <3 <3 <3

And honestly, you are 100% right - stay at home parents do a ton of stuff, and while quite a lot of it is - well, a LOT of work - it definitely has its bright spots. <3 Taking care of a cozy hobbit home is super affirming <3 <3 <3 <3 And, definitely worth pissing off a few grumpy dragons for, at any rate ;-)

*grins, kicks back in comfy chair, sips hot cocoa, and twirls a pen that looks very much like a black arrow between my fingers*

#mwhahaha!! #<3

[rangergirl3]

Imma just drop a compliment and tell you that you’re a wonderful human being!! I definitely followed you for Voltron and your found family (Keith) angst which is *chef kiss* but regardless, I’m glad to see you on my dash!! 🤗

You are so kind!! 🥰 I love seeing you on my dash as well!! 😘

[rangergirl3]

Tumblr is doing something weird and showing me half of your posts 😭 I scroll by one if your posts and when I see it again I see the book link I didn't see before etc😭 Tumblr is tumblring

Oh, that’s okay! I’m just delighted that you are visiting my dash! 🥰

[rangergirl3]

Do you have a personality beyond "muh trauma that makes me super special and unique" that you use for demanding attention? If you're happily married with a kid and presumably don't even have a job, your life is really not that bad. I'll gladly trade with you, sweetie 😘

Mean Anon, no one wants to trade lives with you. 😘

I, on the other hand, am alive despite literal nightmares doing their best to keep me from breathing throughout my formative years.

I laugh, joke, and chuckle at the absurdity of life, while also appreciating its beauty and wonder.

I keep a household running, which includes managing dietary restrictions that mean life or death to the people I care most about.

I create works of art, both written and crafted, and make the world a little bit more beautiful every day that I am in.

I leave the world better than I found it.

You, on the other hand, do not.

So no.

I would never want to trade places with you.

Not for a single millisecond.

So you keep doing this:

And I’ll keep doing this:

#Reblogging for personal enjoyment