AO3
The mind of a child
In the body of a man
At least
That’s what anyone would expect
That’s what he’s supposed to be
Truth is
He doesn’t feel like either
And he never has
(He doubts he ever will)
He can look at his hands
Large yet nimble
Formed into weapons by force
And by choice
Just not his own
Never his own
And he remembers
Is unable to forget
The pull and tearing of his muscles
As bones stretch them too far, too fast
Still feels the crack of things that should never break
Only to be forced to heal again
Still feels the bending and snapping of his mind
As blood and gore splatter forever-youthful skin
Stained deep even after it’s cleaned
And it’s all wrong
Everything about him looks
Feels
Is
So wrong
Some days
He thinks it’s that his hands are too big
Shoulders too hulking
Strength too much
And it isn’t right
Doesn’t fit on the frame of his mind
The body he remembers must be different
But at the same time
That’s not quite it
Because
Small, fumbling hands no longer suit him
The tiny form meant for running and playing
Along with his childish urges
Fantasies of a life well-lived
Long-lived
Is dead and gone
Instead
He’s scraped raw
Torn and shredded
Squeezed until every last drop of humanity oozes out
By a world that doesn’t care
By people who should have kept him safe
By a fate that left him to rot
The moment he was dropped from his mother’s womb
Screaming out to ears that couldn’t hear
Wouldn’t hear
Didn’t care to
And sure
He’s angry
He’s bitter
He’s resentful
But that’s all he is
That’s all that’s left
There are others he tries to protect
Kids that don’t deserve this fate
Adults that should be put out of their misery
But him?
There’s no one for him
There’s no hope remaining
He’s just a pile of bones and flesh
Forced to stay animated
Coerced by chemicals and dread into staying alive
Because if he’s dead
He loses the one thing he’s still got
That’s still, technically, his
So he looks in the mirror
Stares at dark hair and haunted eyes
And he doesn’t recognize the person who stares back
He doesn’t know who else should be staring back
What soul this husk was ever meant to hold
If he ever had one to begin with
If the boy he was supposed to have been
A foreigner in his own mind
Would be something he would recognize
If he could ever see him again
(Because
If he wouldn’t even know himself
If there’s nothing left
If there was never anything to begin with
Struggling with these foreign hands
In this strange body
And this fetid soul
What’s the point?
Why does he keep fighting?
Why can’t he stop?)
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[20 Question Fic Writer Game]
Tagged by @faindri and @pancake-breakfast!
How many works do you have on AO3?
18! Most are poetry collections, so a lot of smaller stories in one anthology.
What is your AO3 word count?
75,144
What fandoms do you write for?
Trigun is my main squeeze atm (and biggest in general, I have four projects for it which is double anything else--and the highest wordcount, too), but I've written for KinnPorsche, Sabikui Bisco, Danny Phantom, Vampire In The Garden, Sasaki to Miyano, Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, Goncharov (yeah... yeah), The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window, Signalis, Omori, Lycoris Recoil, and The Executioner and Her Way of Life
What are your top five fics by kudos?
No idea and I ain't looking! Trad publishing has me extremely scarred from some nasty comparison wars, so I have kudo and view counts blocked on ALL fics, including mine. From my kudos emails, though, Hallowboned has to be my top fic for sure. Last time I was paying attention most of my other fics didn't pass into triple digits by a long shot
Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I do!!! I adore comments, and I love chatting with folks, it really keeps me motivated and chugging along. I am... very behind on replying to the comments on my last chapter rn because I feel so awful and guilty about having to quit writing
What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Uh... I don't write a ton of narrative fics, and I do love me some tragic poetry, but I guess the angstiest collection might be my Signalis one, Observable System Transcendence? But my Omori poem and the Trined Soul collection might be contenders, too
What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I mean, Trembling Hands is a Trimax fix-it fic, so? Though the Sasaki and Miyano collection, Effortless Dreams, is definitely the most tooth-rotting fluff I've ever slapped onto the page
Do you get hate on fics?
Oh yeah, I've had my poetry called pretentious and also not good enough to be poetry lol. It's been a hot minute since that's happened, people are just jerks sometimes
Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
I used to! Porn with plot, my beloved. It would be interesting to explore in poetry format, but we'll see if I have the time who wants to commission some poetry porn from me lmao
Do you write crossovers?
Nah, not my cuppa
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Yeah, many moons ago
Have you ever had a fic translated?
No, but that is one of the coolest things fandom does. Loving a thing so much you spend the time to painstakingly transform that art into something you can read and share in another language, bro??? Translators are amazing
Have you ever cowritten a fic before?
I've worked pretty closely with artists a loooong time ago, but I've only written fics where I'm the sole writer. I have used other writers' ideas and outlines (with their permission, of course), but that's the closest
What's your all-time favourite ship?
I DON'T KNOW?!?! Shipping has never really been my main focus of media typically, but when one digs its teeth into me I go rabid in a completely feral but different way each time.
What's a WIP you'd like to finish but doubt you ever will?
))): All of them
Life feels kinda... really dire atm, it's hard to see ever writing again. However! God I want to finish Hallowboned SO BADLY!!! I have so many chapters written for it that I haven't even posted!!!!! Y'all haven't met Livio yet!!!!!! GAH 3:
What are your writing strengths?
Uh... ??? I'll be real, I've got no idea. I feel like I write so weirdly atm, it's hard for me to analyze in that kinda way
What are your writing weaknesses?
I tend to get really excited/into things and flit around and forget to explain or describe things sometimes. Thank god for having been well-trained to edit my own work. Not that I catch it all, but I try!!!
Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I think it'd really cool, but I'd need a native speaker on hand to make sure I don't fuck it up in my own fic
First fandom you wrote for?
I think my first piece of written fanwork was a Danny Phantom Quizilla thing lmao, I'm old. I don't remember what it was about, just that it was ANGSTY
Favourite fic you've ever written?
Ah?!?! Honestly, each project is so different and written from such a different place, I've got no idea. I'm proudest of Observable System Transcendence being my longest, most consistent project (outside of my Smaugust collection, which isn't a fan project), Hallowboned being the first thing that really inspired me in ages--and the most indulgent one lol. But each collection and fic and poem comes from such a different place, and it's hard to pull them apart and pick???
Tagging:
Whoever wants to hop in! :3
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