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rippinsinners · 11 months
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"What if I could have saved her?" He whispered in the darkness, "what if I stayed and I could have helped her? I know she had her problems, but she only had me left, and I abandoned her like everyone else in her life. What kind of son was I?" Grasping at her, even Rhodes couldn't offer the comfort that she usually did. Reed was too far gone for saving now. "How do we know?" He looked back at her, "ten years is a long time and if I just kept trying, maybe she would have been okay."
This place was full of skeletons, ones that Reed had never been able to face and now there was no turning his back against them. All the times he had to protect his mother from herself: picking her up at the bar before the cops were called, making sure she didn't choke on her own vomit and pulling her into the small trailer before a snow storm so she wouldn't freeze to death out on the porch. Since the moment he could take care of her, he did and he was angry at her for being so selfish, but how could he be angry at a dead woman?
"I failed her," he whimpered, holding on tight to the only constant that was in his life now. Reed could always count on his mother at least being there even if she was too high or drunk to function. Now there was only Rhodes in his life and he had left her so easily too. Reed knew that she should have spat in his face the moment he stepped foot into this town, but she didn't. The only thing it made him realize was that he was the piece of shit for leaving her here, alone, "and you. I left you here alone."
Shaking his head, "why doesn't it feel right, Rhodes?" Maybe she knew something that he didn't, "this guilt has been eating at me since the moment I came back." Reed didn't want to show how much pain and agony he felt once he had returned. The trailer where he grew up, no empty from it's sole resident dying, he felt a part of him die with his mom.
A moment of sobriety entered him as her soft words hit him like a train, "I didn't-" he lied with a stutter, "I just wanted to sleep," he reasoned with another lie. Reed had hoped that maybe taking what she took, could give him an explanation on why she continued to feed her addictions, even when he begged her not to. Maybe, just maybe he could hallucinate her and apologize for leaving her. "Some of her pills, I don't know."
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"You had to fend for yourself, Reed. If you stayed, she would have brought you down with her. It's the way it's always been. Think about it. Don't villainize her, you can still love her and miss her and want her back but… You knew how it was. If she was still here, you'd still be in hell. You have to know that," She said, pulling him closer to her to keep him upright.
The weight of him and the burn of the carpet under her reminded Rhodes of the nights he'd helped her drag his mother inside when they were younger, before he'd been able to do it himself. She wrapped herself around him just as much as she had to guide his body around hers. Rho held on to him tight with every cry that raked through his body in hopes of willing it from breaking him apart completely. He was suppose to endure, they both were. Moments like these were never allowed, and to succumb to it only seemed to scare her now. No matter how long she waited for it, to see it brought relief that he was still sane but worry of what came with the crash.
"She failed you," Rhodes told him, a stiff lip in her utterance. "She didn't mean to. She was suffering, but she failed to take care of you. You did that on your own, and I'm so sorry that I told you otherwise. You took care of her because she didn't know how to take care of herself, let alone you, and you did it as long as you could. But like her, like everyone, you have to choose yourself at some point if you want to survive. You did, and you did it right. I promise you, you did it right, Reed."
Her nod resonated with a tremble, facing the truth alongside him. His leaving had always been the right thing. There was no remorse to be had for it. She could only hope that the pain he carried wasn't from the guilt she tried to snag him on when he finally left. She'd seen his mother without him, and it was all the same. There was no attempt to save herself, and no release of responsibility or anger in his leaving. Renee stayed just where she was left, and the rest of the world moved on while she chased her tail. It was a dog eat dog world, and the stronger forces were always in her own head.
"You can still say goodbye to her," She whispered, cheek pressed against his tightly as she held on to him. Her arms squeezed against him. "It's not the same, but you can still say goodbye. She'll hear you, wherever she is. She has to. If there's one thing she's always been, it's that she's always been here even when she wasn't. That doesn't change now."
Rhodes pulled away only slightly to look at him, to try and find the fragments that didn't fit. She knew every jagged edge of him but something was wrong.
"What did you take?" She asked him softly.
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rippinsinners · 11 months
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The words the fell out of Lennon's mouth made Reed do a double take, his head whipping to the side, "what?" The other must have been drunk, he thought to himself, his own mind in a haze as well. Reed wasn't indulging in liquor, not with the way he was working through his mother's stash. Pretending that nothing was going on with him was becoming hard to manage and he was trying to forget falling apart in front of Rhodes.
As Lennon leaned forward towards him, Reed leaned back away from him, "what did you take, Lennon? Because you're awfully close and in my personal space." Apparently there was a limit for Lennon when it came to the liquor he ingested, Reed just hadn't realized he had hit it. "I think that's supposed to be a compliment, but I really don't know anymore with you."
Reed stopped, choking on his drink as the word lover left his lips, "do you think I am someone else, Len?" The odd behavior coming from the other man was truly jarring and even sobering for Reed, "this shit is way too deep."
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open to: reed mercer | @rippinsinners location: the reef
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"I'm just saying, there's somethin' about you and me," Lennon insisted.
The finger around the rim of his glass lost grace and nearly spilled out over the counter. He just barely caught it, but he didn't stop rolling the cup on its edge. His focus remained on Reed which was challenged by the heat of the lights, the colors changing the haze of the room, and the salt from his drink still burning his lips.
Head leaned forward, he continued, "It feels like we've known each other a very, very, very long time. I knew it the day I met you, which is why I think I didn't mind hiring you even though you look like the wrong Eminem. I know you feel it. You get it. I think we've known each other in the past, but not this past, you understand? A past from some time else."
Lennon took another sip of his drink, garnish making the remnants of his drink sour. Lips smacked together, cough stuck in the back of his throat, he let out the tail end of his thought with casualty— "I think we were lovers back then."
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rippinsinners · 11 months
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Shaking his head quickly as the sobs wracked through his body, "it is, you said this would happen and I just left her here," his hand held on to hers tightly, hoping for a line to stop him from going under and drowning., "she was sick and I didn't help her. What kind of son was I?" Reed had nothing but his mother in this world and he discarded her like nothing and now she was gone, leaving him to fend for himself, something he had wanted all his life, but not like this.
"No, no, no. She died, Rhodes and I didn't get to say goodbye to her," his body was weak with the sobs he continued to utter, seeing no end in sight for him, "I should have tried harder. I should have forced her to be better and now there's no way of bringing her back." Selfishly, he hated the idea that he was all alone in this world. Reed always imagined that even if his mother had her issues, she was there for him just a little bit sick. Once Renee Mercer was gone, who was he? An orphan with no mother who had no father, just himself.
Rhodes forced him to look her in the eye and he could see his swollen red face reflected in her eyes. His skin was red, bloated and splotchy, a far cry from who Reed prided himself on: someone without a care, but he was lost now, without a way to breath. "If I'm not to blame, then who is Rho?" Reed held on tightly to her, praying for saving in her arms as he so easily curled into her, just like when they were teenagers. "I tried to help her for so long and I gave up too quickly and she's gone because of my failure." All Reed wanted was the pain in his chest to subside and asking for penance seemed to be his only option now.
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The slurred revelation caught her by surprise. Rhodes thought he was having a bad trip, or that he'd drunkenly taking the wrong step and toppled over. This wasn't the kind of crash she anticipated, and she stopped herself looking for any damage. She knew where it lied now from his voice, hand clasped back around his. She didn't know what to say, but his responsibility was one she wouldn't allow him to have.
"What— it's not your fault, Reed. No," She interjected forcefully. She should have treaded carefully but she wanted to pull apart the irrationality of the foreign scene before her. She'd seen his mother strung out and so many more, and she should have been gentler. There was no telling where their heads lied and she didn't want to push him further down a spiral but she could only hope she could pull him upright in is own thoughts. "She didn't fall apart right when you left. She continued on her bullshit just like she would have with you here. There were people to help her and she still did what she wanted. What happened to Renee was her doing, and she would have done it with or without you. Some people you can't help, Reed. They don't want it. She didn't want to be helped, and she would rather be high than live back down here with the rest of us."
Taking his face between her hands to bring his focus to her, she shook her own head. His skin was cold and she was reminded that this wasn't the Reed she knew. Time had proven that with every single meeting between them, but she'd never seen him like this. Not this far strung, not this frail. In the dark of the trailer, she could almost believe this was the part of Reed that had been buried in the floor boards that needed be silenced for the sake of his mother. It was the Reed who had his back turned to her when she snuck in and they didn't say a word or touched a single inch, and the Reed that had to be left alone here for him to run with no remorse. There was no Renee to scare him off now with responsibility he shouldn't have needed to shoulder, no dream to soothe him to a lull, or a ceiling to break through in a floating high. This was all there was left and it must have not been hard for him to climb over himself to try and find comfort in the man he'd become. Rhodes could only wonder if the boy he'd been had found that relief, though this didn't look like catharsis at all.
"Look at me," She said. "It's not your fault. You can be sad without taking on all of it, Reed. You can feel bad without being responsible for it."
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Reed felt like he lost all control of his body, gravity taking over and pushing him into the dingy carpet. He felt weak and lost, his body slowly falling in and out of conscious. A voice seemed to call out to him, but it seemed like a distant dream, like his mother was calling out to him. Reed knew, even in his intoxication it was impossible: she was gone forever.
He felt his body being pulled up against everything as a hand clasped his and the familiar scent invaded his space. Rhodes. Reed didn't want her to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, only saving these emotions for the demons that found a home inside his head. His body fell slack, the deadly mixture of alcohol and benzos causing his weakness.
"She's gone," he croaked out to her, vision blurry through the tears that fell down his cheeks, "and it's all my fault." The guilt of his actions had finally reared their ugly head and he wasn't sure how he could pull himself from the pain that washed over him.
"I left," he grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly, "you told me not to go and I did, Rho. Now she's fucking dead because I wasn't here to help her. She died all alone because I'm the selfish piece of shit." The anguish had become too much for him to hold under the surface, "you were right and there's nothing I can do to fix my mistake." @buryeden
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Rhodes hadn't expected to go anywhere near Reed had he shown up again, but the familiar was all anyone in their town knew. Even if it was a bad habit, the devil they knew was always easier to seek out than a better chance that was still unknown. People knew how to take care of split knees after a fall, but soaring so high and far? Reed was only one of the few who'd been able to do it and thus far no one had gotten the report back. Not really, anyways. Rho hadn't pressed for much as a means of not tangling herself in any chapter of his life. He left, and he'd leave. The parts she knew the ending to she'd participate in, and she had done just that. Destruction with a lemon wedge on its cracked edge was just what they'd done before and done again.
While she didn't want to get involved in the affairs that brought him back as a means of not prying, Rhodes also knew helping would be what would get him out of town faster. It was a selfish desire that worked for and against her. She could help him back out of this place but also have time with him while it lasted. He wouldn't stay and he couldn't, but it didn't mean it had to be any harder than it was already. She had offered to bring him some boxes for sorting through everything left in the trailer and would come to drop them off by the end of the night after work. Because of their lack of boundaries, habit over all else, she had pushed the screen door gently to see if it was open before stacking the boxes at the entrance. No sign of Reed, she assumed he had fallen asleep elsewhere until she heard ragged breathing and then something worse.
"Reed?" She asked, stepping inside to look for him. At the sight of his feet before the rest of his body, she moved quickly and then slowly when the scene painted itself. Rho carefully settled on her knees next to him, hand looking for his to help him upright. "What happened?"
In all the years they'd known each other, she wasn't sure she'd been sober enough to remember seeing him cry. It didn't matter that they'd seen the worst of each other. There was always a means of turning the other cheek when they were falling apart at the seams, but giving the other a safe place to put themselves back together— or even trash around for more damage.
"Sit up, here, slowly," She guided him softly, but a wide eyes gazed showed she was more concerned than the inflection in her voice. "Just against the door way, it's okay."
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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"You know, I know a guy, right?" Reed gave him a look, "no need to prowl around where all these kids are running around in search of something that is probably not there. That'll only attract unwanted attention." Searching for shrooms at a city wide festival only made Reed think that the guy had already taken something earlier.
"Now if you want something else like a fucking gummy, I got you there," the tin was safely in his pocket, ready to go at a moment's notice to make the fest bearable. It wasn't terrible, it just would be a lot more fun under the influence.
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status : open @aurorabaystarter
location : aurora bay botanic gardens entrance
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" if i were a potent magic mushroom where would i be ? " WOULD IT BE IN A MAN-MADE FIELD catered to families ? probably not but there was a stoner lore throughout aurora bay ( or one he made up on his own ) about psychonauts hiding psychedelics in the botanical garden every spring festival and he was desperate to find it . " if you find any - they're not not for me , obviously , i would never . but if you happen to find any, maybe just give it to me so i can do my duty as a US citizen and report it to the proper authorities . "
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Location: Reed's Childhood Trailer Home
Closed: @buryeden
The door to his mother's bedroom had remained shut since the moment he had arrived back in his hometown. Reed had avoided the trailer all together in an attempt to circumvent any of the terrible feelings that would inevitably arise. He dealt with her funeral which was nothing more than him and a few friends sharing a drink, her end of life will and everything else. Yet, Reed couldn't get the nerve to go into her room and clean it out of her things. A lonely night drove him to stare down the bottle of whiskey and pop a few benzos he found lying around the trailer to calm his nerves.
Even after all of this, he still couldn't will himself to open that shut door that he avoided so much. The pills made him feel heavy, unable to lift himself off the dingy carpet he had known so well. Even if everything was still the same in his home since he left, it all felt foreign. Reed felt like a trespasser in his own life and he didn't belong here.
Fingers pulled at the fabric below him, trying to find something to hold onto to desperately, but he seemed to fail, just like he failed to save his mother. Rhodes told him this would happen, but selfishly he left without a single care and now had to deal with the fall out. Grasping the bottle of the amber liquid, he damned the cup all together, sipping straight from the source.
In an attempt to do what he felt he couldn't do sober, he crawled towards her bedroom, but before he could open the door his body became heavy, pinned to the floor while his vision blurred and Reed felt like the air out of his lungs were disappearing. He tried to tell himself it was nothing, but his mind already worked itself up. A cry ripped through his chest as he finally allowed himself to feel what he had avoided for the few months he had been back.
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Rolling his eyes, "you did always think I was in love with you," he murmured, lighting up the joint between. Reed did love her: they grew up together, were best friends, it would only be natural. However, he was too fucked up in the head to be good for anyone, so the two were better off as the close friends they were than anything more. Chuckling, "you missed me, don't fucking lie," he passed the joint over to her, "I'm sure you weren't the only one. I hope this place wasn't too fucking boring without me."
I felt like ages ago that he was still here. Graduating high school, he had little hope that he would amount to anything or step foot out of the place. His mother was still an addict, in and out of the hospital, barely lucid most of the time and he was stuck with shitty jobs that he hated. He decided enough was enough, saving up as much as he could as he planned for the next two years. The only regret he had about leaving was being unable to convince Rhodes to join him. He never told her that he had saved enough for the both of them and when she refused, he left without looking back. Maybe it was his own pain that kept him from reaching out, but now it seemed that their friendship was still the same as before.
Shrugging, "no, I'm still a fucking cynic, I doubt that would ever change," he chuckled, "I just got to be a cynic somewhere else other than Aurora Bay and that was fucking amazing." "So other than your job that gets you driving all over the place, anything else new with you in the last five years?"
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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"Guess we're getting too old for this, am I right?" Reed teased as he handed him a cigarette. Not too long he was fine, normal even, with his own life, his own shit away from this hellscape, but the moment he stepped back into this place it all went back to the bullshit before. It seemed this place could easily dig its claws into him and bring him down again.
Furrowing his brows, "yeah, what do you mean?" Reed was unsure what Connor meant by his statement. Was the distress he felt about his mother obvious? Or was there some other tell he hadn't disguised under shitty jokes and happy smiles? Or could he have known what he had taken earlier, "I'm doing great man, just weird being back here after all this time."
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It felt like he could finally breathe once they stepped outside of the club. Which, in a lot of ways, was perfectly ironic considering all he wanted was a cigarette and smoke in his lungs. Connor used to be in the party scene more back when he was younger, but he had seen the ugly side of it far more than he ever wished to. It turned him off to that kind of life.
"Yeah, please," he told him after realizing his own pack was empty. Wasn't it half full earlier that day? Jesus, he needed to quit smoking. Getting his lighter out of his pocket, he offered the light to Reed. "You good in there?" It was now his turn to ask. His brows raised up a little, but he didn't push him too much with questions. Connor had a sneaking suspicion he was on something, but just didn't know what or how much.
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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"I'm not too old, you're too old," he interjected at the disparaging statement, "but I'll agree with you that I am a dumbass, there's no arguing that." It was almost in his DNA to fuck up. Reed always had the propensity to do so, just like his mother and he assumed his father as well. "Here," he slapped the lighter in her hand as he held up his own cigarette, "thank you," he murmured, taking in the toxic smoke, filling up his lungs until he suffocated, releasing it into the air.
Shaking his head, "I got bad genes and with the amount of shit I've smoked, drank and taken, the organs got to be bad, right?" His feet led him forward, trying to keep him straight on the path but eventually he'd veer off, "yeah, I'd agree, bad liver, but that was inevitable. If you do sell my organs, have some fun with the money, won't you. Get like a nice fucking car or some shit."
Reed wasn't surprised he ended up in this situation when he arrived. It was bound to happen with the reason he was here, he just didn't expect it to happen so soon or to have anyone take care of him. "Yeah, it's here, take the ten for your troubles," he grinned, "but the address is wrong," he trailed off. There had been no reason to change the address on his old license when he was just transient through life, "that's my mom's place but she's dead, so we shouldn't go there," he sighed, "I live at this place, ocean crest apartments, I think."
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She looks down at the cigarettes and figures she might as well get as much as she can out of the inconvenience. "Reed. You're a dumbass. We're too hold to be doing this." By the look of him, she doubts he'll be able to light his own cigarette so she takes the pack altogether. "I'll light it. Where's your lighter?"
Her footsteps are slow to match his staggered ones, only reaching out every now and again when he veers off the sidewalk and onto the street, grasping his shirt to tug him back gently. "I'm sure your organs would sell for a pretty penny. Might have to stay away from your liver, though." If she was set to be a babysitter to a grown adult, she was going to have her fun with it.
"You have a wallet on you?" She didn't want to actually steal from him but to see his address because she couldn't trust that they were going in the right direction. Her eyes roll when she grabs him before he stumbles to the side. "It's not going to be for free. One of these days I might need a kidney or even a person to frame for murder and i'll come knocking on your door."
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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She was too excited as Reed's eyes followed hers, "sounds about the same for me," he admitted, "just been traveling everywhere. Seeing where life takes me." He hadn't had a plan when he left, just one destination to start and then he went wherever he could find a good apprentice job for tattooing. It took him everywhere and it was satisfying. Being back felt like all that progress had been ruined. "I could say the same about you, to be honest."
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"Yes, I am!" Astrid replied to the male following a wide smile. And then, when the male finally recognized her, she nodded and even jumped a little "Yes! That's me! I've been good, I've been bad, I've been everything in between too, how about you? You literally didn't age a day, what the hell?"
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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DYLAN O’BRIEN as Colin Not Okay (2022) dir. Quinn Shephard
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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"Yeah, if you want of course," even if Reed had good intentions, he understood the other's reservations. However, Reed was the farthest thing away from a narc and was the first one to be yelling fuck the police whenever the situation arose.
Chuckling, "if I ever get a pet, I'll be calling you first," shaking his head, "don't worry about it though." Reed raised his brows, "Lucky you say? Feels like some type of omen, to be honest," he had never had a lucky streak in his life, but maybe Reed was having a turn of fortune, "I'm Reed, nice to meet you dude."
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"Yeah?"
Though he had no real reason to put utter trust in his words, he did any way and called it a gut feeling that he wasn't about to get stuck with some subpar shit at the end of it.
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"That'd be sick, appreciate it. I don't have anything to hook you up with back, unless you ever need to jump the queue at the veterinary clinic, then I'm your guy. I'm Lucky, by the way."
Twenty something years of saying that and it still sounded like a fake name every time.
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Smirking, "hell yeah," he turned towards the bartender asking for another shot to accompany his, "fuck them and enjoy yourself." Reed had the ability to find company in anyone around him, even if it was the first time they had met. His mother had said it was his best quality when she wasn't completely shitfaced, of course.
"The names Reed," he held out his hand for her, "and you are?"
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"A friend, who left with a guy." She laughed, still not quite sinking in that she had been left behind. Ophelia glanced around, wishing that the night hadn't come to such an abrupt halt, but she felt a little strange being here alone.
When she heard his offer, a smile crossed her face. "You know what? Sure. The night's still young, right?"
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Okay maybe mama did raise a fool
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Nodding, "I think that'd be a good idea," his lips pressed against her neck, "hate for you to let a sure thing go so easily." Going back to their formative years, falling into old habits was too easy for them. Reed and Rhodes had known each other in every way someone could know a person. It was simple, without the strings that others might desire from him.
"Funny coming from you," he sighed, "how many times did you end up in my bed when we were teens? Nothing has changed between the two of us, Rho. At least admit that." His grin turned into a smirk as he stared back at her.
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Her desire to bite back had disappeared as their lips collided. Rhodes distracted him from the pangs of anguish he experienced whenever thoughts of his mother entered his mind. Instead Reed focused on her, forgetting about his own problems.
Gently sliding his hand between her legs, the place she wanted his touch the most. Whatever bubbles that Rhodes had attempted to use to create an ambiance had dissipated, leaving only the clear water behind. The joint they were sharing completely forgotten in the ashtray off to the side. Gently, he used his knee and pushed her knees apart, "now you're playing hard to get with me, Rho?"
With Reed, everything they'd ever done had been justified with a bunch of excuses— whether it was hooking up, running from one trailer to the other, or their parents. What was the point in lingering in logic now when everything had always been impulse? It was going to end just as quickly, and Rhodes needed to stop wasting seconds thinking more about it than she ever had.
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"I might as well take what I can get while you're still here," She reasoned, forcing the small rise and fall of her body against him to go still. He didn't need to know that she could feel her heart now louder than before, and that there was a small hook on her breath just waiting for him to pull it out of her. "But you going back to your side? It's a given that you've never known what personal space is."
With the points of her fingers under his chin, she pulled him back to her lips with a collision of anticipation.
The hand on her thigh she slid just between them. They'd been in each other's lives to make them feel better, and Reed was back in her life to do just that even if it was only for a night of pretending all was well.
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rippinsinners · 1 year
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Nodding, "yup, a little too much drunk," he mumbled patting down his pants for the pack of cigarettes he had tucked away, "want one?" He offered her one, a peace offering in his mind even if he couldn't quite make out where he was or who he was speaking to, "I don't know if I said my name, I'm Reed," he uttered with a sigh.
"Yeah, I think I'm surviving," maybe not thriving, but when did he ever do that? Reed was doomed, just like his mother before him and he hadn't given into that notion a long time ago. Exhaling, "well, then I am truly fucked, aren't I? I do have to apologize because I think I only have a few dollars, so you might be disappointed."
He quickly shook his head, "you really don't have to," he pointed in a direction, unable to confirm if it was the way he needed to walk, "I live somewhere over there, so it's all good." He felt her arms around his waist and he laughed, "wow, I can't believe you're helping me. I truly thought you were going to rob me a second ago."
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It wasn't the first time she was called cold and it wouldn't be the last, but it was one of the most amusing ways. "Just a little too drunk?" He looked a little further gone than just some alcohol but she didn't care in the end unless he was trying to share.
Her eyes rolls and she can't help the slight lift of her lips at the mention of sniffing it. "That's worked just fine for you, huh?" It wasn't the wrong way to go about it and she was suddenly disappointed that she hadn't seen him try to sniff up some baby powder. "You're street smart, are you?" Though she'd argue someone who was wouldn't be this drunk on the street. "Maybe I'm the robber." She wasn't but she felt like she could while he was in this state, heading towards him. "You're on my shit list because now I'm obligated to help you. I'll be prime suspect if they find your body in the dumpster tomorrow morning." She wraps her arm around him. "Where do you live?"
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