roomalthoughts

[roomalthoughts]

04.03.2022

A Change of Heart // the 1975 It’s been a week since the last time we talked. All I could say to you, in between tears, that I had a change of heart. That I needed time to figure my own stuff out. That we would do better if we went our separate ways for now. We don’t know what life could bring to the table. I just didn’t have a simpler way to say it than that…I really didn’t. I saw us falling…

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[roomalthoughts]

04.03.2022

A Change of Heart // the 1975 Ending a relationship is never easy. No matter how hard you try to make it amicable…it will always end with both parties hurting and hoping that the pain doesn’t last forever. One will try to go to therapy while the other wonders if they made the right decision. A decision that wasn’t easy to make, but necessary to get better for their own mental sake. As the…

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[roomalthoughts]

F.H.P: September 6th to October 8th

F.H.P: September 6th to October 8th

Mood for the rest of 2021 (I’m kidding) Hello everyone! I am sorry once again on being so absent for another month. I have been thinking about my blog and how I want to continue it without being so inconsistent. I thought today is the right time to be honest with you all. As everyone could tell, I haven’t been posting as regularly as before, but it’s because I have come to the conclusion that I…

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#anxiety #depression #fake happy project #mental health

[roomalthoughts]

F.H.P: August 21st to September 5th

F.H.P: August 21st to September 5th

To kick off this blog, I thought it would be appropriate to show you all a game my brother and I found at the grocery store. It is currently 6:35a (ET) here and I am glad I have tomorrow off (Labor Day weekend!!!). I am beyond excited and relieved that I have the weekend plus Monday off because Lord knows I need a small break from work. It’s not mental, but it is sure physical as f—!!! Nothing…

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[roomalthoughts]

F.H.P: August 9th to August 20th

F.H.P: August 9th to August 20th

Good morning! What a week already, now this time, it’s a good thing! I went to work to Monday like the usual, but towards the end of the day, we were notified that we were going to have the rest of this week because we couldn’t get panels in. The panels are used for the RVs that we make and we cannot run production without them. If they do not come in Friday, there is a possibility that we will…

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[roomalthoughts]

F.H.P: June to August 8th

F.H.P: June to August 8th

Hi everyone! I want to sincerely apologize (again) for going MIA since my last post. I had a lot of internal struggles going on and I needed to get my head straight. I have been focused on photography lately and of course, I pushed writing aside. Writing has always and will be my way of getting my thoughts out, but since T died, I felt that I lost my motivation to write. It felt as if something…

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#anxiety #birding #depression #fake happy project

[roomalthoughts]

06.13.2021: thoughts + F.H.P

06.13.2021: thoughts + F.H.P

Today was a good day to have my camera out and take pictures of Mother Nature in action. Even though I don’t put much energy and time in writing as I would like, photography has been taking up my time. Honestly, I don’t mind it because I can actually focus on the “real world” rather than being glued on my fucking phone. I went back to the Winona Lake trails this morning and it reminded me of the…

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[roomalthoughts]

05.11.2021

I found a part of my teenage years not too long ago. Lord knows I was a big fan of Avril Lavigne when I was in high school. For some odd reason, I stopped listening to her and when I was scrolling through Twitter, I bumped into this song… My mind automatically went back to high school, when often times, I would walk alone through the hallways, filled with faces I don’t quite remember. The…

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[roomalthoughts]

note to self

You are wonderful. You are great. You are absolutely amazing. There’s no one like you in this world. You are beautiful. You are wonderfully made by Your Creator. Let no woman or man belittle you. Or make you feel inferior because they are insecure of themselves. You are supposed to shine and let all of your colors come out like a rainbow in the sky after a rainy day. Do not, I mean, do…

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[roomalthoughts]

F.H.P: (March) day #1 to day #31 & (April) day #1 to day #15

F.H.P: (March) day #1 to day #31 & (April) day #1 to day #15

Spring is here. March wasn’t too bad, but I hate March more than any of the other months in the year. It would had been two years since I brought T home and it was the 12th anniversary that my uncle died. March is usually an awful month, but thankfully, it was a decent month. I am always complaining that March is always a sucky ass month every year and I do feel bad about it, but I have come to…

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[roomalthoughts]

F.H.P (January) day #17-#31 & (February) day #1-#28

F.H.P (January) day #17-#31 & (February) day #1-#28

I am so sorry that I have been very absent lately on here. My new job (well, I’ve been there for six months now) is very physical and so of course, on the weekends (see my pun there?) I like to rest and play Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I usually try not to force myself to blog every weekend if I don’t feel like it. I’ve been trying to let my creative side come out by itself naturally rather…

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[roomalthoughts]

F.H.P: (January) day #1 to day #16

F.H.P: (January) day #1 to day #16

Today would had been Titan’s 2nd birthday and I don’t know how I feel about it now that he’s gone. It’s been five weeks and even though the pain isn’t as intense as the day I lost him, it’s still there…as a friend told me, healing is never linear. I almost cried yesterday when I saw the date and I thought, “Titan would be turning two tomorrow if he were still here.” It didn’t sit well with me…

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[roomalthoughts]

2020: soon you'll come home & turn it off

2020: soon you’ll come home & turn it off

All I have is a picture in my mindHow it would be if we were togetherLet’s pretend that you’re far awayLet’s say you write to meAnd you promise in your letter that you’ll come homeCome home to my heartWhen you come homeWe’ll never be apart if I keep dreaming of youStart believing it’s trueSoon you’ll come homeSoon you’ll come homeSoon you’ll come home to my heartSoon you’ll come homeHome to my…

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[roomalthoughts]

2020: soon you’ll come home

All I have is a picture in my mind How it would be if we were together Let's pretend that you're far away Let's say you write to me And you promise in your letter that you'll come home Come home to my heart When you come home We'll never be apart if I keep dreaming of you Start believing it's true Soon you'll come home Soon you'll come home Soon you'll come home to my heart Soon you'll come home Home to my heart Soon you'll come home Home to my heart If I believe

-Soon You’ll Come Home // Lana Beeson 

______

Oh 2020, 

As you couldn’t get any worse. 

The day, December 9th, was the worst day of my fucking life. I lost my year old puppers by some asshole who ran him over. The image in my head when I found him still haunts me. I cannot get over Titan’s death and I don’t think I could ever do so. Time does heal wounds, so I can only hang on to that “fact.” Every morning, the heartache becomes tolerable and more manageable...but I do miss my dog. 

I really do. 

I miss him cuddling up my face every morning. I miss sweeping up his fur and finding some up my ass. I miss his nonsense barking and his playfulness. I miss him coming up to me every time I came home from work. I miss him licking my face and almost knocking me out. I miss him oh so very much. Dogs are truly man’s best friend. 

If you have a dog, hold them close. 

They really do steal a part of your heart and gift you a love that you could never imagine. 

I scraped my knees while I was praying And found a demon in my safest haven Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts I wanna know what it'd be like To find perfection in my pride To see nothing in the light But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite I'll turn it off And the worst part is, before it gets any better We're headed for a cliff And in the free fall I will realize that I'm better off when I hit the bottom The tragedy, it seems unending I'm watching everyone I looked up to breaking, bending We're taking shortcuts and false solutions Just to come out the hero Well I can see behind the curtain The wheels are cranking turning It's all wrong the way we're working Towards a goal, that's non-existent, it's non-existent But we just keep believing And the worst part is, before it gets any better We're headed for a cliff And in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom I wanna know what it'd be like To find perfection in my pride To see nothing in the light But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite I'll turn it off Just turn it off Again Again, again And the worst part is, before it gets any better We're headed for a cliff And in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom And the worst part is, before it gets any better We're headed for a cliff Then in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom

Turn It Off // Paramore 

______

2020.

It was a year filled with turbulences. 

Not only was I being challenged emotionally, but physically too. It was such a tough year because I was in a job where it was killing me slowly. I was constantly depressed and had migraines pretty much all the time. I knew my old job was killing me slowly. It was hurting me through and through and I had no idea how much more I could take until I finally broke down. I wasn’t happy anymore and I wanted something new. 

It was a much needed change and I am glad I took that leap for my own good. 

My relationship was going through its ups and downs, but I am glad we made it just fine. I got a promise ring for Christmas and I swear, I wasn’t expecting such a genuine gesture from my boyfriend, but I am pretty content :) I feel like these trials were necessary to strengthen our relationship and I feel like we are in a good place. It was weird because we had a long talk shortly after my dog died and I guess that was the turning point. 

2020 gave me bruises and scars that I’ll carry on into next year, but fuck, I am counting down the day until 2020 is long gone. I am absolutely done with this year. I know many people had it worse than I did, but losing Titan just did it. It sealed the deal that 2020 beat 2017 (which I thought was the worst year ever). I don’t want to talk about 2020, rather just focus on 2021. 

Hopefully, it’s a better year overall. 

_______

HONORABLE MENTIONS: 

INTEGRITY BLUES // JIMMY EAT WORLD 

TURN OFF THE RADIO // A DAY TO REMEMBER 

BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY // THE VERVE 

[roomalthoughts]

2020 highlights: part four

2020 highlights: part four

Pack upI’m straightEnoughOh, say say sayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayWait, they don’t love you like i love youWait, they don’t love you like i love youMa-a-a-a-ps, wait!They don’t love you like i love you…Made offDon’t strayMy kind’s your kindI’ll stay the samePack upDon’t strayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayWait! they don’t love you like i love youWait! they don’t…

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[roomalthoughts]

2020 highlights: part four

Pack up I'm straight Enough Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Wait, they don't love you like i love you Wait, they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Made off Don't stray My kind's your kind I'll stay the same Pack up Don't stray Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Wait! they don't love you like i love you Wait! they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-aps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Wait! they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-aps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Wait, they don't love you like i love you Wait, they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Wait, they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don't love you like i love you...

Maps // Yeah Yeah Yeahs

____

The shackles are undone The bullets quit the gun The heat that's in the sun Will keep us when there's none

The rule has been disproved The stone it has been moved The grave is now a groove All debts are removed

Oh can't you see what love has done? Oh can't you see what love has done? Oh can't you see what love has done? What it's doing to me?

Love makes strange enemies Makes love where love may please Soul and its striptease Hate brought to its knees

The sky over our head We can reach it from our bed You let me in your heart And out of my head, head

Oh can't you see what love has done? Oh can't you see what love has done? Oh can't you see what love has done? What it's doing to me?

Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh Please don't ever let me out of you I've got no shame Oh no, oh no

Oh can't you see what love has done? Oh can't you see? Oh can't you see what love has done? What it's doing to me?

I know I hurt you and I made you cry Did everything but murder you and I But love left a window in the skies And to love I rhapsodize

Oh can't you see what love has done? To every broken heart Oh can't you see what love has done? For every heart that cries Love left a window in the skies And to love I rhapsodize

Window In the Skies // U2

_____

These songs are a plea to my boyfriend...

Yes, we have had our hard times, but know that I’m still in love with you. 

Know that I don’t mean to start anything, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel. That is all and I just want you to hear me out please? Please is all that am asking for. I know that I have shit to work on but admit that so do you...

If we can work this out together, we can do anything together. Just hear me out. 

____

As you can tell, towards the end of this year, it has been hard for everyone around me. 

I am thinking that I’m terrible girlfriend because I overreact and get jealous about the littlest things. I feel bad asking for reassurance. I feel bad that I feel like my boyfriend isn’t happy with me anymore because he cannot talk to me about his son’s mom with me. I feel like I’m going to be the one fucking this up and I don’t know how else to say it. 

I want to talk about her without starting any shit. I want him to know that I care and I don’t want him to lash out on me because I’m trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. I want him to know that I am here if he wants to talk about it. 

I just want to be there for him. 

I just want it to work out for my own sake...because I know this is it. I really do. 

[roomalthoughts]

2020 highlights: part three

2020 highlights: part three

Wanna believe, wanna believeThat you don’t have a bad bone in your bodyBut the bruises on your ego make you go wild, wild, wild, yeahWanna believe, wanna believeThat even when you’re stone cold, you’re sorryTell me why you gotta be so out of your mind, yeah I know you’re chokin’ on your fearsAlready told you I’m right hereI will stay by your side every night I don’t know why you hide from the…

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