sakuraandcigarettes

[sakuraandcigarettes]

I don't want to suffer.

I just want pleasure and do things that make me feel good. Why am I so wrong for that? Why do I have to suffer to deserve pleasure and happiness? I know that's not the mindset I'm supposed to have but I'm not sure how to change it. I've always fought with these feelings. It just feels so unfair to me. Why am I the one who has to put in all the effort and comply to the rules that don't make any sense to me. Why is it too much to ask for accommodations? I have to put in most of the work so people have an easier time interacting with me. So they don't feel like the have to walk on eggshells around me. Don't they realize I've been walking on shards of glass the entire time?

I'm not worth anything as long as I don't contribute to society by working 40 hours per week and pay my taxes. The same expectations for everyone. No room for people who can't comply.

My entire life I was told I'm lazy and just need to push myself. What if I'm really lazy ? What if I'm just too lazy to work ? If you think I'm not worth anything then maybe just kill me. Punish me. Eradicate me. Shun me from society. At this point I'm not sure if I'm just lazy. I've been told that all my life even though to me it never felt like the answer is that easy.

Whenever I had a job I was just suffering for 8 hours straight. Counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until I was allowed to leave. Coming home and being so exhausted, then having to do my chores, cook and socialize. Having to go sleep early even though I feel my best at night. Every morning when my alarm went off, I was questioning if I could call in sick or if I'd get fired. Getting up and immediately being filled with dread and anxiety.

What if I'm just not capable of that life? People tell you to just find a job you love and you won't have to work a day in your life.

Everything I tried so far felt like work.

There are thing that interest me and that I'm passionate about but they change often. Even if I like the job in the beginning, what if that changes quickly? There are so many uncertainties.

My brain and body aren't cooperating well and I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a war between them.

My body is a mess and it's probably my own fault. For always giving in to the pleasures. Why does it feel so good to destroy myself? I just want to feel good. And I don't think that's going to happen when I just fulfill the expectations that society places on me. Pleasing others doesn't really make you happy in the end. Because you will always be the one with the short end of the stick.

[sakuraandcigarettes]

민용 (mignon) 🥺

I love them precious bbys 🤲🏻

Credit: lewin00000 (Creator’s Twitter)

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Maybe the reason I so desperately want to be short and cute is so people feel the urge to protect and care for me. I really want that but it's not going to happen because of how I've closed myself off. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It's just a vicious cycle of fearing rejection so I don't open up to people but if I keep these walls up then how can I expect people to understand how much I struggle and take me seriously.

All thanks to trying to get help but just being dismissed in the past.

[sakuraandcigarettes]

It's painful.

It hurts.

But I have no right to feel this way.

Since I'm just lazy.

Since other people have it worse.

I'm just too sensitive.

And it's all in my head.

[sakuraandcigarettes]

I really wish people wouldn't judge me when they don't even know how much I'm actually struggling. I'm so sick of being seen as lazy. Even my best friends tell me to just get a job. How my life would be better if I worked. And how they think they are better than me just because they work.

Maybe it's my own fault for not saying how I'm really feeling. But it's not like they would listen or take me seriously. They don't see the wounds on my body and the scars on my soul. Because I'm trying my best to hide it even from the people closest to me. It's my own fault for not opening up. But what am I supposed to do when I'm terrified of judgement and rejection. I don't want to be alone and I just want to fit in somewhere. All I ever wanted is a place I belong and feel save. But it's never going to happen. I'm just closing off more and more.

I'm fine with being therapist for my friends. Maybe telling them what I'd like to hear from others is going to help me too in the end. If I say it enough maybe I'll start believing in it too.

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Every nightmare starts as just a dream

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Very emo vent art hahaha

[sakuraandcigarettes]

All I want is this... Small moments mean the world to me.

Source: It's just a Dream ... Right ? By White Eared

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Having a disease that's deamed incurable but doesn't kill you:

It just gives me a lot of pain and shame and makes everything 7x harder.

How am I supposed to see anything good in my future when it's just getting worse and worse ?

It's not like I suffer from ADHD already that makes shit hard for me, no, my body has to be in terrible condition too.

I wonder what I did wrong in my past life to deserve this.

Hopefully in my next life I'll be a cat.

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Went to the gyn for a check up today. I even warned her before taking my clothes off that I have Hidradenitis Suppurativa.

When she saw me she just went

" Oh ... "

Isn't that reassuring?? 😭 Literally want to die

I won't ever have sex again or show my body to anyone.

#hidradenitis suppurativa #auto immune disorder

[sakuraandcigarettes]

I gave up on love. I just simp for yaoi characters these days xD

Fucking Hidradenitis Suppurativa is really taking away every bit of quality my life had.

My body and mind are deteriorating. Who would want to date someone like that. Even I don't want to see myself naked Idk how anyone could love me with this body. I've come to accept the fact though. I really gave up. I'll just get cats to keep me company. Humans are trash anyway, you are so right Power 🤙🏻

[sakuraandcigarettes]

I want skills that people pay money for. Something that only I could do for them. I want to be admired for my hard work. I want people to value my time and energy.

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Spending hours making art for my best friend and receiving 'okay' as the only response is so rewarding 🥰🥰🥰

What a nice best friend I have

#digital artist #disappointed #vent post

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Me whenever I shower and have to see my skin

#hidradenitis suppurativa

[sakuraandcigarettes]

Whenever I look over to my cute pink bed, I imagine you laying there. I wish I could just lie down next to you and cuddle while taking a nap.

Im tired..

[sakuraandcigarettes]

I always wanted to be loved and taken care off.

When I think about my childhood I just see this little girl that has been failed by everyone. The people who were supposed to protect her didn't. Not receiving unconditional love in your childhood really fucks up your brain for the rest of your life.

I wish someone would take care of me...

[sakuraandcigarettes]

i genuinely think ppl who don't have chronic skin conditions can understand what it's like to have one. that's not a bad thing inherently but it is a thing. they can maybe wrap their brains around the pain, but never how isolating it is.

you know how when you see another person, especially naked, you can't help but compare yourself and every insecurity you have? turn that up by 10. you notice every area they have no blemishes, no scars, just smooth skin, and you don't. knowing that people find your skin repulsive when you can't control it. fighting finding your own skin repulsive just to maintain a modicum of sanity

depending on when it manifested, you could be doing this from childhood. literal children are told they don't look enough like their peers because their illness is so visible so can you please just cover that up? if fucks with you in a way that so few conditions do