shittybabypostsfordays

[shittybabypostsfordays]

I had someone ask me about the fic I deleted less than 24 hrs after I deleted this,, and that's not including the person I reached out to and offered a copy bc I knew she liked it a lot.

I don't know how I feel about this. I kind of want to talk about it, but I'm not sure who I'd talk to or what I'd even say, so I guess I should just stay quiet about it...

#it just feels weird #the whole thing feels weird #but its one less thing i have to feel anxious about #even if it was just a small anxiety... with how things have been i didnt want it to spiral

[shittybabypostsfordays]

when you’re trying to figure out how to be the fourth murder victim in your city before the end of january, but then you remember you promised your mom you wouldn’t die until after she did so she wouldn’t have to go to your funeral: rats! bamboozled and foiled again!

#if i can't get my insurance and therapist to work together #i might fuck around and stop taking my meds #it could be fun. people could place bets on how long it takes for me to die #double or nothing on if i get hospitalized before death #could be fun #my sanity is being held together by a string and a paperclip and the string and paper clip are my therapist #and it wouldn't be hard to be a murder victim i'm sure #piss off the wrong person downtown and i'm sure i'm a gonner #hell a methhead at the gas station would probably take me out for twenty bucks #i've also considered just laying in a corn field without a jacket or protective clothes at night #that could be a fun way to go #we're supposed to get freezing rain tonight #and i've heard you feel warm right before you freeze to death so like. could be interesting to experience #and for the record i'm not going to do any of these things #i just think about them #i've been thinking about the cornfield one since december when my ocd got bad again #but again. i cannot die. i made a promise #and i may not be much but i'm not a liar #also i should probably stop thinking about this. my arms are going numb #that's interesting #i love freaking myself out like this #and by love i mean [static tv noises] #okay i'm more back in my head now #time to read a book

[shittybabypostsfordays]

Tfw he literally texted back 3 minutes later, my phone just decided to never give me the notification...

me checking my phone to see if he texted back

#i love crying over nothing....

[shittybabypostsfordays]

i know a lot of it is probably pms hormones being stupid but like... damn bitch, stop crying lol.

#i keep looking at my phone... #and there was some rough stuff at work. nothing in my control #a coworker is going through it rn #and like. me being me bc i cannot immediately fix it that means i'm a bad person who needs to die #and everything feels very heavy and fuzzy #and i'm scared i'm going to be getting nightmares again bc i've remembered dreams the past two nights #and like. so far they're just absurd but like... #and idk if it's bc my schedule was a bit off over the weekend and so i was taking my meds later than normal? #and if all of this is just coming together with it being so dreary outside #and i still can't taste well and i can't smell #and i made garlic bread yesterday and i couldn't smell it and it was awful #and i have a very sweet ask i want to answer but i feel like such shit i'm just like... #i feel like i'll just sound fake excited #but i really..... yeah #ugh and i have therapy tomorrow and i'm just so exhausted

[shittybabypostsfordays]

me checking my phone to see if he texted back

#he hasn't :( #and of course i keep wondering if i did something to make him mad at me #which like.... i realize is extremely hypocritical of me considering how the last several months went #but like. i'm p sure we're chill now? #i just want to hang out with him and show him a funny youtube video #i can't do that with our parents. they won't get it #and i feel like everyone else is super busy and i don't want to bother people #plus like... i like showing people funny videos in person. so that way i can see their reactiion #and i just?? #i really miss him. and i hate typing out these words bc i hate admitting i have emotions #and we weren't able to do holidays together #and like... before all the shit went down like. he really was one of my best friends #which is why everything hurt so bad #and now i'm crying and i don't want to be... this is stupid

[shittybabypostsfordays]

Productive therapy session.

#maybe the absolute hell my brain has put me through for the past month will be worth it #i want to get better #we gonna be doing weekly sessions for a while

[shittybabypostsfordays]

is there another way? i feel like there has to be another way. none of this adds up. and is it really all to blame on human error? is it human error that i have meltdowns over wearing jeans? or is that truth? and if it is truth, do i want that truth? and this isn’t even about jeans. it’s never about jeans. but jeans are what i’m comfortable talking about on here right now.

everything i do feels so performative, but i don’t know who i’m performing for, because i say i’m going through the motions and maybe i don’t actually want to follow this, but i still go through the motions even when no one’s looking, so like, that must mean i do believe in this, and if i do then i’m a bad person for questioning it, but at the same time every unhealthy view of the world and myself that’s been beaten into my head since childhood is a direct result of this?

am i just doomed? am i just going to be in this constant limbo for the rest of my life and never ever be happy, not in this life or the next if the next life? and i had to delete something because i can’t even say shit to my vent blog without feeling guilty.

it all feels conditional. it does. and i hate myself for saying that. because i know it’s not, but they make it out to be and then claim it’s not, so like what is the truth? they say it’s not all just rules but then jam rules down my throat for years on end and then wonder why i go insane? they wonder why everyone hates to be around me when i’m a neurotic nutcase who’s afraid to move? and then that’s my fault too somehow?

or is it all in my head? was i just born broken or broke myself and it’s my fault for being defective? did i make myself incompatible with this all? by being crazy? and if me being sick in the head makes me incompatible with this, is it something i want in the first place? it is. i have to want it. i’m required to want it. i’m not allowed to not want it.

i will never know peace.

#that post really fucked me up #idek how anyone would put a trigger warning on that kind of post tho #so it's not even like i could have blocked it #... might listen to that secret forbidden album that i managed to find on youtube #since it's basically him just. yelling about this. and taco bell for one song

[shittybabypostsfordays]

people be like “the best way to guarantee you child stops being [REDACTED] is to send them to [REDACTED] school lol!”

and it’s like joke’s on you, i’m still [REDACTED] i’m just also batshit fucking insane

#''look at me! i went to [REDACTED] school and i turned out just fine!'' #*has to take three separate medications to not kill self and STILL has fucking breakdowns over dumb shit all the time*

[shittybabypostsfordays]

how do i handle discomfort? i don’t. i lock it away and hide it forever and try to forget it exists. i’m so opposed to cognitive dissonance that i just shut down instead and hide, too tired of hearing how bad and evil i am for questioning things.

despite being a bundle of contradictions myself, i cannot hold conflicting ideas about anything. the best i can do is break it up into smaller chunks and judge those chunks. and perhaps in this case, it is easier to say “yes, some of the ways people go about this are fallible, but at its core it’s still good. i believe it’s still good. i have to believe it’s still good. i am required to believe it’s still good. and even when i entertain the thought of maybe not believing it’s good, i know i could never commit to that change. because this is not a choice i was ever given.”

if i cannot even look at my mother and father and say “there were things you did that hurt me and damaged me” without feeling like that means i have to condemn them and cut them out of my life forever, that to criticize them is for me to say they failed and i hate them, how the hell am i supposed to do the same with something on a much larger scale?

i feel guilty that i felt seen, i feel guilty that it rings true for me.

and even considering engaging in any way that isn’t outright condemnation makes me a bad person.

and i don’t know how to handle this discomfort.

so i won’t.

#aka i saw a post and now i'm gonna have a breakdown #it was a little bit too on the nose about what i've been struggling with for a decade or so #and like i've already cried several times today i don't want to be crying now #and like. there is no answer to the question i want to ask #bc very few if any people understand my perspective on it and i don't know how to convey it #and there are no neutral parties in this either. i can't get an unbiased opinion on this #and even if i could i still don't think it would have the correct perspective #bc to be unbiased in this topic is?? idk. apathy?? just not caring? #and it wouldn't work bc i'm not apathetic toward this topic #i feel like i might come across that way a lot. and perhaps i am in action #but that's only done in order to keep a calm exterior #can't let people know how insane i am. they get tired of hearing it. i would know. people have told me before

[shittybabypostsfordays]

oops i made myself cry ha ha

#i don't even think i can blame it all on hormones either #it's way too early #the other two times it's bc i had uncomfortable phone calls at work #which were straws that broke the camel's back bc i'm. for valid reasons. stressed out of my mind at the moment #but this is just from me being a piece of shit

[shittybabypostsfordays]

the unbridled panic of someone deleting their blog

#i'm typing this iwthout my contacts #i can't see anything #it's literally just fuzzy like.... fuzzy x boxes #idk. anyway #person whom i know has had depressive episodes is deleting and saying goodbye #that's always cause for panic in my book !

[shittybabypostsfordays]

and for the record, this was about me reblogging a post abt a show and someone making a separate post abt a character. i had to stop myself from apologizing and deleting stuff, bc that’s crazy person behavior, and i need to be not crazy. it wasn’t even negative. i was just like........ i can’t exist. the fuck?

#what is wrong with me? #like actually? #i want answers #something is deeply wrong with me and idk what it is or how to fix it and i'm so scared #it makes me both want comfort and to be close to people and also push them away #constant cycling between ''please don't leave me'' and ''you should leave me you're better off without me'' #makes me feel guilty for wanting people in my life #and i'm???????? bruh #i want to claw my brain out so bad #i hate myself so much. i hate living like this

[shittybabypostsfordays]

why is my knee jerk response to anyone responding to anything i do ever to immediately hide, run away, and delete stuff? why do i feel the need to apologize for existing and taking up space?

#i really need to take a break from here. for a while i think #i feel very insane #i feel both invisible and like i'm under a microscope and i feel like crying all the time #and tbh i have enough to cry over with just irl stuff #... i hate myself a lot #i'm really sorry

[shittybabypostsfordays]

Gosh what an asshole

#WE GET IT!!! #YOU GUYS KNOW EVERYTHING!!!! #SHUT THE FUCK UP #OBVIOUSLY the 20 year old who hasnt been to college knows more about animal care than the person who went to school to be a vet tech and #worked in the field for years #SORRY FOR CARING #jackass...

[shittybabypostsfordays]

me: okay, but what if we use this situation as an exercise of not feeling personally guilty over someone being upset about something that you are not responsible over? an exercise in not jumping at every possible thing and over apologizing for things you shouldn’t even have to apologize for?

my brain, already hitting the panic button:

#we'll see how long i make it before i'm crying and apologizing for???? not reblogging things???? #bc i don't have time or energy rn?????? #i can't even do my own shit? #also i got home and found out our neighbors' dog got ran over today #so i feel Personally Responsible for that bc i'm stupid and my brain is horrible #i asked my mom if i was allowed to eat and she got confused #and we talked a bit abt other stuff #and she's like ''why do you keep bringing this up??'' #and i'm like ???? bc that was my response to trauma???? #my brain is broke. i'm always thinking abt the broken edges bc they keep stabbing me #sorry for being inconvenient......

[shittybabypostsfordays]

i’m never going to figure out a way to come to terms with this all. it will always feel like betrayal on my part. to admit that maybe my parents might be responsible for some of the things wrong with me.

and i can’t ever bring that up with them either. i’m not allowed to. i’m not allowed to make them feel bad. it would just end with me reassuring them everything’s fine.

it’s fine. it’s fine. it’s fine.

i don’t even know what fine means anymore.

#this is honestly more upsetting than the having someone yell and slam things part

[shittybabypostsfordays]

i wish i could stop fucking up.

#am i going to cry about it? i already am....