silentromance

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how is everyone else able to bear the immense pain of their subjective experience while composing themself enough to manage the joy of everyday connection. am i just broken. is there something psychologically or developmentally wrong with me. i feel like i should be much smarter. my reaction time to conversation is like a time delay. i think i don’t think enough. i can’t think as deeply as i’d like. i think i’m a depressive narcissist. i am constantly breaking my own heart.

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I REMEMBER THAT MY CHAINS ARE MY OWN. I LOST MY MIND YEARS AGO. I AM OBSESSED WITH LOVE. I AM OBSESSED WITH HUMANITY. I AM OBSESSED WITH NATURE. I AM OBSESSED WITH ART. I NEED IT TO ENGULF ME ENTIRELY. I NEED TO ENGULF IT ENTIRELY. I AM A BEING OF PASSION. I AM A BEING OF EXPRESSION. I AM JUST AS MUCH ANIMAL AS I AM MAN AS I AM DIVINE. JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. I HAVE SPENT YEARS COMPOSING MYSELF. IS THAT WHAT I’VE DONE? REFINE MYSELF? OR HAVE I PLACED MYSELF INTO A BOX THAT NOW STUNTS MY GROWTH AND CRUSHES MY LIMBS? I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE CONTENT AND COMPLICIT AS AN OBSERVER, SEEKING ONLY TO TIP THE SCALES WHEN THE REWARD SEEMS GREAT ENOUGH. I WAS MISTAKEN. LIFE IS THE REWARD AND THE SCALES TIP ONE WAY OR THE OTHER REGARDLESS OF MY INPUT. I AM FREE TO EXIST IN THE WORLD HOWEVER I CHOOSE.

[sounds of a broom handle banging the bottom of my floor]

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i think i’ve earned general respect from my coworkers because of my work ethic but everyone knows i’m quiet and barely ever talk. people do try to talk to me but i think some just know i’m not worth talking to. and why would they care if i never show interest in others by initiating any sort of conversation. they know that’s just how i am. sometimes i feel like noooo there’s so much more to me than the quiet weirdo that you see. but then i’m like hmm maybe not. people can only judge based off what they perceive so any negative or indifferent perception of me is accurate to their experience of me. i wish i was more socialized.

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all i see across campus are people hanging out and laughing with their friends, having fun, couples, just life in general. it’s eerily similar to high school where i feel alienated from everything but it’s worse. although i’m a grown man so it’s really my fault, i truly could do anything i want. college is probably my last opportunity as a young adult to be in such close proximity to so many people, resources, and social opportunities. my classes are going well but my personal life is really bad and i’m not doing ok. anyway i’m gonna take a nap now.

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hm. i’m like all three characters from the wizard of oz. i desperately need a brain, heart, and courage.

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#Spotify

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i’m so morrissey coded

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#i love avoiding reality

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shame, my favorite emotion!

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i remember in my junior year hs english class my teacher compiled a list of acclaimed novels and made us pick one to read, write a paper on, and present in front of the class. i chose the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy because it sounded cool. i used to love reading growing up but by hs i was so apathetic so i didn’t even read it and i used the internet to write my paper. i remember at the end of my presentation he asked me “did you like it?” and i said no because it was “out there” with all the sci fi stuff but i really just didn’t understand it because i didn’t read it.. looking back i could’ve just bullshitted that i did like it because of its themes of absurdism and the search for meaning so i probably looked like an idiot because he even mentioned my comment about it being “out there” on my paper. if i had given it a chance i think it could’ve impacted me back when i was 17. there were a few astronomy and psychology books i picked up and dropped when i was in my senior year but it wasn’t until my early 20s that i really started reading full books again. non fiction and literary fiction are my main interests and i really want to replace my phone addiction with these sort of books. i have so many unread books on my bookshelf as well as shit i want to read. anyway i’ve had a lil too much chardonnay and i’m talking nonsense🫡

#random

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i think i will end up committing ******* sorry in advance