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won’t be active much on here probably bc it’s a whole separate email and logging in is a hassle but here’s my page for ranting & ed updates i guess lol

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here we are lads. back at it again. i kinda missed it here… anyway i redownloaded that hellhole tiktok to find a specific vid i remember making and instead found a vast array of vids i made when i was like 25lbs lighter!! i have literally gained so much weight and it really really shows!!!! i thought i was fat then too HA. LMAO. could’ve been skinner yeah but i wore tank tops that clung. CLUNG. i could fucking NEVER now are u kidding???? so anyway yeah i don’t ever want to eat again etc etc i’ll probably give up super quick but honestly i Need to fucking lose this weight. i shaved my head and it’s made me feel so ugly which has made me feel so unlovable and if i was just skínny.. please god it’s all i want please please please

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hateee that myspace emo fashion only caters to skinny ppl bc like yes i am trying 2 be an emo girlqueen but i am NOT fucking wearing shorts

#general

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was going to weigh in tmrw but tbh i don’t think i will actually. honestly i don’t want to focus on numbers this time around, especially bc i know it takes a week or two to start seeing progress so weighing in so soon will only make me frustrated. maybe i’ll weigh in in a few weeks, but for now i’m honestly just more focused on the process, which feels really good. i like not worrying so much about the weight, knowing i’ll get to where i want to be eventually, just focusing on staying consistent. it’s sort of nice.

#general

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ahh i keep forgetting about this page!! failed today bc my family wanted to get fast food and i just.. idk fell into it. i don’t have an excuse. ate 1587cal which scares the shit out of me but hey, it’s still in a deficit so even though it’ll make me lose a LOT slower im still losing and that’s all that matters. i’ve learned that being super harsh on myself just doesn’t work after a while so im now trying the approach of being like a patient mom with a bratty child. i keep misbehaving and doing things i know damn well i shouldn’t but my patient mom self is just standing there gently correcting me and encouraging me to persevere. i think it’ll work honestly, the few times i’ve relapsed after “recovering” i’ve always given up by this point, but rn i still feel just as motivated. even though so far it’s been hit or miss, i know im losing, and honestly at this point im willing to wait longer. i think eventually i’ll be able to get ahold of myself and stay under 800cal a day and lose faster so im not worried. if i had adopted this strategy instead of hopelessly bingeing and hating myself for failing which only led to more binges i would be 115lbs by now, easy.

anyway i wanted to rant bc i can’t do it on my instagram where i normally would bc yk people do not know about my ed so im doing it here yay!!! i am just feeling so resentful and jealous tonight idk. i was just laying in bed thinking about my body, feeling it, hating it yk as per usual, and then i open tiktok and see this skinny mf who is like my body goals ed-wise and gender-wise just dancing around in a doorway and of course all the comments are just worshipping them, and it just made me so upset. im always upset about this. it’s like people can consider fat people beautiful only under certain strict conditions, and even then there’s still a TON of people saying they’re ugly. but skinny people? shit, you can look like anything and people will just effortlessly find you attractive if you’re skinny. it’s the default. it’s neutral. it’s just automatically attractive. and that’s such bullshit and it makes me so mad. why don’t I have that? GOD

and like the other day i thought something to myself that’s really been resonating w me & i keep thinking about it despite literally starving myself rn, & it’s “my body will look like what it’s meant to look like.” bc yes i lost a ton of weight while i was starving myself and then gained even more back once i stopped. i had gotten to the point where i was just eating whatever i wanted to without caring. it tasted good. i enjoyed it. so i ate it. and that was so fucking great, but it resulted in me gaining like 20lbs. and i kind of had this thought that like, hey, when i let myself be free and eat what i want, this body is the result. maybe this is what im meant to look like. i just wish i could fucking accept that, you know? and i wish it were the ideology everyone adopted. not skinny = attractive, not everyone should strive to be thin, but everyone’s body is unique and beautiful and everyone’s body looks like what it’s meant to look like. i mean, imagine being unlimited in your food choices and it’s just completely okay? whatever you want to eat and whatever body results from that is okay? not even necessarily super attractive, just okay. man.

i’ve also noticed im chubby enough now that my hip bones don’t poke into the mattress. this is a plus bc i can lay on my stomach, v comfortable, but also a minus because im anorexic and oh my fucking god it used to hurt to lay like this bc my hips were so sharp and now it doesn’t and i need to lose this weight right now. so i am conflicted.

anyway. things are going alright. wish me luck on my exams lol i am not feeling confident

#ghost rants

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just now realizing maybe it isn’t the best idea to start starving myself right before & during midterm exams… lol oops can’t quit now ig

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alright this week’s been very much up and down, like literally half-success half-failure. i’m cutting myself some slack because i haven’t counted calories since like april, but it’s looking optimistic. i’ve learned the key really is consistency, so i’m okay with eating 900cal a day instead of 700-800 if it means i’ll stay on track. that’s my main goal— no binges. today was good though, 775cal, under 800! let’s hope i can keep it going lol

#general

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binged on day 1 ugh. ate 1310 cal which i was pretty horrified about as i was doing it, like omg im eating so much wtf. but actually 1310 really isn’t that bad for day 1. yes it’s a few hundred over what im going for but i was relieved to see the number wasn’t TOO high. im still in a deficit, im still good. my goal is to get it down to 800cal a day. tomorrow will be 825, then i need to start cutting out my fav foods again like bagels which suckss but hey it isn’t the worst thing in the world. yk even when im eating im not eating healthy. literally all sugar. all through my life my parents have always said “i don’t know how you’re still alive, all you eat is sugar.” so like yes when im starving i feel lightheaded and cold all the time etc etc but when im eating i feel sluggish and gross. when im starving i at least feel clean, i feel nice, and you know i of course get that sick ed sense of satisfaction from it. eating always feels wrong, bad, even after “recovering” i couldn’t escape the guilt every time i ate. both of them make me feel bad. starving is the lesser of two evils. that’s a very black and white way of looking at it, like where’s the third option of just adopting a healthy diet lmao?? idk that just seems so difficult. i’ve tried. many times. i can never figure it out and it takes too much energy and motivation and there’s so much different contrasting info i don’t even know where to start. and that won’t help me lose weight fast. i’ve been wondering why i’ve started feeling ugly again lately, why my face always seems shaped weird. it’s bc i gained weight. a lot of weight. oh my god. i’ve got to lose it, i’ve get to get down to at LEAST 129. just below 130 and i’ll be more stable. rn i feel panicked all the time knowing what i look like, how heavy i am. i want to be 115 in the end but god at least just let me get below 130, that’s when i started to feel pretty last time, that’s when that last hurrah of motivation kicked in, when i knew it was working and i was getting somewhere and soon i’d be so pretty. and then i went and fucked it all up. i’ve never been the same. i can’t recover if i haven’t gone all the way. this needs to end. i have to do this. i’m gonna lose this weight and it’s going to be marvelous.

#personal #ghost rants

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omg im so pleasantly surprised i haven’t been counting calories in so long & i’ve forgotten how much is in stuff and it’s actually way less than i thought. uncrustables are only 210cal i thought it was like 400, that’s so easy to budget into 3 meals a day esp since my breakfast is always less than 200cal

#general

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ugh i ALWAYS say i’m gonna stick to it and then i don’t bc im not motivated enough. and i ALWAYS say “but i actually will this time!!” and then i don’t. i am fallible. but god fucking damn it it’s been over a year since i first started starving myself and i have NEVER felt this kind of vigor except maybe at the very beginning. i can do this. ugh i know it’s toxic but it’s so addicting. i feel good. i’ll be clean.

#general

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anyway on a brighter note from my last doom-spiraling post- my name wasn’t actually ghost irl, it was something else (still a chosen name, im trans), and ghost was my little secret online name. but for like a year i’ve been disliking that irl name & a month or so ago i decided to change my name to ghost. so it’s kinda weird shedding that layer of anonymity like the name on here is actually my real name now lol

#personal

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oh my god. i was actually getting to a point where i was eating pretty normally, not healthily of course just junk food & overeating i’ve never been able to eat healthy, but my body was finally back to normal and i hadn’t weighed myself in months and yeah i still didn’t like my body but i finally, FINALLY, wasn’t thinking about what i was eating. i could just eat and enjoy it, and even though it wasn’t perfect it was so much better than when i was in the depths of my ed. and then i had to go to the doctors today. was terrified, and rightfully so. i’m almost ten pounds heavier than i was when i STARTED all this stuff. i had been thinking about relapsing every day for a long time, but this cements it. i had promised by self i would never ever get over 140lbs again. i really didn’t think i was. i’m humiliated. i’m disgusted with myself. so i’m meal planning and fucking sticking to it this time. im going to make it manageable since i’ve been overeating for months but im not showing myself any mercy. im determined. im kind of glad i had that happen to me bc i think it gave me the motivation i needed. things will be so much easier when im thin. when im thin i won’t have to worry about any of this. if i’d stuck to it i would’ve been thin months ago. i can do this. i just need to get it over with, a few months of suffering plus a few months of slow recovery and boom. i won’t be free of insecurities but god i will feel so so much better. i just know it. i have to do this. and im going to. im gonna update daily on here i think- i have to hold myself accountable.

#personal #ghost rants

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[Found it somewhere, don't remember where... credit to the owner]

#reblog #recipes

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#reblog #ed memes

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i just need to get through this week

#reblog

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every eating disorder movie ever

Anna McAnna is a dancer. She’s thin, has friends and love interests. 

Dad: LOL DON’T EAT THAT IT HAS CALORIES!!! U HAVE A DANCE SHOW TOMORROW HAHA JK I LOVE U BBY

Anna goes on pro anna websites and makes dangerous internet friends. “I will only lose 5 pounds” says anna. She makes a thinspo collage on her wall/diary to keep motivated

Anna is losing weight. Her mom is concerned

Mom: um sweetie you are losing weight??? That’s not good you are beautiful. I love u bae

Anna is angry her mom doesn’t understand. She’s an anorexic tm now. No one can stop her. She goes batshit crazy screaming at everyone that offers her food

Anna’s mom finds out about her online activities. She’s worried and forces Anna to eat a meal. Anna does it bitterly and then purges perfectly no getting trained period in which your first 90 attempts you just spit some water

Anna is now purging. All her friends got tired of her bullshit and left her. Her love interest is like “lmao dude u 2 skinny u ok?????? im worried”

Anna faints and goes to the hospital

Docotr: so um ur daughter is anorexic she may die???????? It’s bad????

Anna: wow taht was v dangerois I guess I’m cured now

Anna eats happily with her family, now comletely ED free

#reblog #ed memes

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hey y’all i’m back! had like zero self control the past few months ugh. but i’m doing this. i’m determined. even if i’m not completely starving myself, even if it’s slower this time, i’m losing this weight.