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hypnotised-hazard · 2 years

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Woah my first fan fiction is under that cut :D

Even though it was a 2 day job and it was because I wanted to do something while my ipad was charging and then only to go overboard with it. regardless there's no spoilers to Sam & Max and is just a little freelance husbands. Btw if you're worried no triggers just some pg fun. So on with the show!

Sam & Max

THE ANNIVERSARY SHAMBLES

"Hm no! No, That's not it."

The frantic lagomorph paced around the room, roaming in circles like some sort of broken wind up toy going round and round instead of forwards. He wasn't used to thinking for more than 5 seconds, usually this'd be up to his partner Sam, currently away and preoccupied with the gruelling tasks of adulthood. The big football shaped head attached to the lagomorph faced down, he was left pondering about…

"AUGH!"

"What am I gonna do for this anniversary? I know nothing about how to make a sappy dappy type gesture or an ugly event filled with hearts and the smells of dreams burning on the shallow pits of hell, let alone how to survive it."

He tapped his inpatient foot looking for answers, papers scattered the mucky office's tanned floorboards and the small school-like desk claimed by the lagomorph riddled with bullet holes, bite marks and knife carvings. Scanning and looking at the leftover papers in his hands for answers but to his avail and lack of reading abilities there were none to be found.

"These dumb sheets of ink and trees aren't helping either, I've tried everything but it doesn't matter, I almost choked on that plastic rose. Besides what if he doesn't like it, I'll-" The lagomorph ramblings were abruptly cut off by the sound of the door facing him being slowly unlocked. He was rustling quickly to hide the papers but it was too late there were so many and the lagomorph was caught mid act.

"Aw crud." He sighed, getting embarrassed by the thought of what is about to come next as the door opened.

"Sorry lil’ buddy, I was later than expected, Bosco's was closed. I had to go to the store some streets away and-" the big wolfhound in the doorway finally inspected, the absurd and preposterous scene that surrounded him.

Puzzled. The dog looked at his partner for answers, who quickly disposed of the picked up papers in the only way he could think of… Eating it. Unfortunately, his efforts weren't fast enough and the dog became even more puzzled believing the obvious that something was up.

"You sickly adorable brain pulsing headache, what are you doing now? And what's all this? Are you planning another voting fraud scheme, I already told you we can't afford another bail."

All he gets in reply is a muffled noise that could subtly make out a "No." From the sheets and sheets of paper the lil’ partner has tried to hide in the gaping maul of a mouth they have.

Without even hesitation, the dog drops the bags he was carrying to leave vacancy for the unattended paper on the office ground, and slowly raised it up to his face, watching Max's facial expressions gradually get more overwhelmed with pressure to the point he closes his eyes and braces for his dear rabbity life. He begins to read the text aloud "Anniversary ideas, how to give the special someone the best experience possible."

The lagomorph feels ridiculed and down right humiliated by the written words being shared, he hides his face as his partner looks down on the shrivelled lagomorph. Silence filled the sickening air for a moment as Max waited intently for this to end.

"Max… is this for me?"

The little buddy nodded, spitting out the last remaining paper he had in his mouth to talk to the wolfhound "I was hoping I wouldn't blow it but… augh There it is, Sam... staring you in the face." Still not making any eye contact with the partner.

Sam sighed and smiled to himself "Oh Max… You know anything you do for me is already enough, the brilliant shoot out of last year's anniversary. Sure, some lives were lost and our bodies were riddled with bullet holes but it's always something special to do with you, lil’ buddy."

The rabbity thing still faced away, his face was now as scrunched up as one of the sheets of paper on the office ground.

"I know that Sam, but…"

Max couldn't even bear the words and what he had to say to Sam; the sappiest, ugliest and stupidest thing to come out of the lagomorph's already emotionally beaten heart.

"Those things were just cases, it's always something we do it's our jobs, and I know we do a different kind of romance I mean if romance was ever a person I would gladly break it's every bone, shoot it in the head 10-12 times and feed its mutilated and broken carcass to the brats down the street, but… ugh jesus sometimes I feel I wanna do something special for you as I know you're a big sap and oversized cry baby for these cheap romance ploys and I just want you to know how much you meant to me."

The lagomorph felt like vomiting out his whole intestines, he was already thinking of options to escape, already fixed on the window as he reorganised his face.

Before he could escape however, the big arms of his partner wrapped around his body, the dog wrapping the embrace began to sob a little, which broke the awkward situation for Max mainly because his partner's sobbing was the most funniest thing to come out of his big snout.

"Max… that's awfully cute, but I always know how much you care for me, even if our anniversaries aren't really the regular bland suburbanite couple standards of a loving forever lasting relationship. I may be a sap for a lot of overnarrated love stories but I'm not one to live one of those stories…

and besides you doing anything remotely close to a romantic gesture without being overly kinky to the point of a psychotic uncomfortable piston upon the individual you're in the room with or without a firearm and dangerous misuse of explosives. Makes my stomach turn and a feeling of knocking the living daylight out of your pretty little head."

Sam loosens his hug to then lift the smaller partner with ease and puts him down onto the dog's junk filled and unorganised desk, comically large enough to get max eye level with Sam.

"And hey now we're equal when it comes to overly embarrassing and sappy moments to leave you screaming and jumping out a window crying today."

Of course he read Max's mind earlier like a tarot card however Max was intrigued by the remark

"Why whatcha do?"

Sam then grabbed the lagomorph's hand, tiny and miniscule compared to the mighty and powerful grip of Sam's hand, pushing him in closer to Sam's head.

"This."

Immediately, the wolfhound locks the rabbity thing in an embracing kiss, Max's ears shot up by the surprise kiss, he blushed a little, as even though he kissed his partner multiple times, this time was different, more passionate… in an oddly insane way that lunatics could embrace those lunatics being a dog and a lagomorph with no personal space and a height difference that ever makes you wonder how hilarious a date night would look between the two?

The two pulled away, Sam holding Max's back as that was now keeping the small rabbit from falling back first onto the desk.

"Aw… Sam." Max reforming his face to that ever loving and satanic toothy grin, now fully invested in who was in front of him.

"That was awfully sweet, you nearly had me in the embracing and vomit like spew thats a regular romance but maybe eat a packet of mints everyday for the rest of your life if you decide you wanna kiss me again, your breath smells like a burnt down waste dump that was left for days with the rotting carcass of leftover food."

The insult made Sam drop his grip of the bunny, which sent Max's head onto the edge of the metal typewriter near the opposite end of the desk with a comical "Thwack!"

"I could say the same to your Jarhead. Now help me clean up the remainder of this paper and weird romantic novelties or we'll end up looking like marriage counsellors with guns rather than freelance cops.", Sam stated as he adjusted his tie and clothing, then commenced picking up the papers left by his partner.

"At least you're lucky I didn't leave as much of a mess as the last time you left me alone."

The bunny springing up from his injuries like an ecstatic child who sniffed too many markers and got ahold of their mother's coffee at the same exact time.

Yes, these two shared something psychotic, but, a relationship that could never be split up or contained no matter how many times the universe tried. A bond that surpasses sanity and crash lands in a storming explosion called insanity and a love language that drives relationship counsellors mad with the very mention of it. It was indeed indescribable and they knew it themselves.

"You're such a cute little white contagious virus, Max..."

"And you're such a controlling, psychotic and handsome collection of fur, Sam…"

(Hey you made it to the end thank you for reading! Obviously if you like what you read consider liking it as I might make more depending on how many people wanna read it!)

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