#(like bitch you still pronounce the -ent sit down)

[pog-with-a-blog]

So like the accents in my canadian french playlist are so strong i literally can’t understand them sometimes (tu veh vwah / jeh peux lah fah / jeh teh vwah) and like. I speak french well enough to not understand someone because of their accent, not because I just don’t speak it well enough. C’est fuckin génial

#mp #mostly it's fine but sometimes #also that makes me feel so much better about not understanding alot of the french i heard when i visited canada #also canadian french is SO much less pretentious than french #it's like fuck your grammar #fuck your fancy french #fuck your argent #our money is bacon #and we pronounce je me te like that annoying girl from french one who needed to get her shit together #(the one who said je with the same vowel as pen not the same vowel as day) #(jay girl was a whole new level of annoying she belongs in heck) #(along with god dammit I'm rambling) #(along with the fucking bitch who pronounces un like une but not nasally) #(i know that was a less universal problem but fuck her) #(she also pronounced huit ad reet and oui as ree) #(all because our teacher had an accent and there was a sliiiight r sound at the beginning of those words) #(but 1. it was not NEARLY that strong and 2. everyone else was smart enough to know that was just a ms shipman thing) #(she was that same fuckin bitch who was like «I have the highest grade in the class so that means I'm the smartest person here») #(like bitch you still pronounce the -ent sit down) #/rant

[part2coral]

Misc Updates

I’m sitting in Primary Childrens Hospital right now waiting to meet with a pediatric otolaryngologist named Dr. Albert Park on doing research with him. I have a pretty good in, I feel, because obviously my dad is deaf. I might feign more interest in going into becoming an ENT specialist than I actually have. It made me think about med school and how that might be an advantage for me: I have emotional ties (deaf parent) and I could take ASL and I could do research with this otolaryngologist. If I learned anything from high school applying to college, it’s that it looks better to be committed deeply to a few things than spread thin over a variety of interests. If I make this my main want, then that could be something beneficial when I apply to med school.

I feel a little bit fake about that though. If I’m not that interested, why feign it? Is it worth it to try and get into med school? I think I want to do obstetrics and gynecology, but I dunno.

I went to church on Sunday. There’s this huge, beautiful Catholic cathedral on south temple, just a couple blocks from the apartment. David and I got dressed up and walked there for mass. There are a bunch of little things you have to do to fit in, like touch water and give yourself a cross, kneel before you sit down. Everyone knows exactly when to do the cross and when to kneel and everything, it was really interesting. I liked it though. I’m not religious, as you (me) already knows. But I feel like I could take things from the lesson they gave and apply them to my life.

They talked about the importance of money over family, that’s the lesson that I remember the most. They talked about other things related to God, but this one seemed to be the most secular, so I tried to take it to heart. I know that I should do what I love rather than what will make money, but it’s so hard to think that way when everything in my life has to do with finances.

I’m running out of money, by the way. I seem to be spending a lot more than usual this summer, and I have about 7OO dollars to my name haha.

I liked the feeling of going to church. It’s weird, but I felt cool  doing it. Like I was doing some sort of civic duty and being apart of the community. I really want to get into being more involved in Salt Lake. As in, going to farmer’s markets, going to that big church, just even walking around. I just want to walk around more and immerse myself in the urban-ness of it all. I want to ride my bike around and hang out at cool cafes and eat at cool places.

Also, Marshall gets back from his mission in TWO WEEKS. Holy crap. I am so scared he’s going to be a little bitch about everything. I can’t blame him. His whole life for the past two years has been religion. I don’t want him to be offended when I swear or talk crudely about something or another. I also am dreading having to tell him that I think I like girls. How will he take that?

I’m writing a VSCO journal about being… not heterosexual. I don’t know what to even call it. At this point I just want to date girls and no one else, and it’s so confusing for me. I still am in denial? In that I still am so confused if this is a real thing or not. I mean lots of things in the past make sense now, but I just don’t want to say it, I feel like I’m just doing this because so many of my friends are gay and Payton is dating guys and it’s “trendy”. I’m just way confused about it.

Maybe one of the biggest indicators, to me, or pieces of evidence I guess, is the instance of my senior year when I (and god writing this down now makes me feel a bit gross) (actually a lot gross), but I masturbated to thoughts of Allison. I’ve never written that down anywhere. Oh god, haha. But yeah, it happened. And how did I not even realize back then that I might like girls+\? I brushed it off and pushed it out of my mind. That’s the biggest piece of evidence that I might not be straight.

Oh god, I honestly think I just need to face the facts and accept it for what it is. I kind of like to tell some people, which is weird. It’s fun to be a little interesting and out of the ordinary, I don’t know. I feel guilty for that, and makes me think again that I’m doing this for attention. I don’t think I am. If I was, I wouldn’t be thinking about it all the time like I do. Thinking about girls and being with a girl and etc. I don’t want to be with a boy right now.

Anyway, my interview thing with the doctor is in nine minutes. I am nervous. It’s just a meeting but I put on a dress for it haha. I googled how to pronounce “otolaryngology” and thought about what to say to him. I hope I make a good impression, I feel like I could impress him with basic knowledge of anatomy? I don’t know haha.

I’m so glad I keep this diary.