#BC ultimately the only affect me. my health or my soul

[soldier-poet-king]

Ocd trying to convince me I hit a cyclist this morning on the way to work because I had to pass them on a curve w/ oncoming traffic and it got a lil dicey (dicey by my grandma ass driving standards, most ppl in this clown city where ppl drive like it's a PvP zone wouldn't think twice)

I DID NOT hit anyone it's literally down the street from my work, so even IF for whatever reason I accidentially committed a hit and run I would've heard sirens by now. But like. The devil may work hard my OCD works harder TRULY

#franposting #literally the most unhinged flavour obsession i have #this one is rarer #only comes up a few times a year maybe #but like wowee i am going to b thinkin about it for days!!!! #this is like. the time my brain convinced me i killed my prof by writing a critical end of term review. #or that i killed the cashier by not smiling enough #god the HYPOCHONDRIA obsessions ans the existential obsessions are easier #BC ultimately the only affect me. my health or my soul #when im afraid of hurting OTHER ppl??? infinitely worse and harder to talk myself down from #when it's just me i can leverage the power of long standing depression to b like #well you suck so much that it doesnt matter. and then move on with work #(telling myself im worthless isnt Great Ik but it WORKS for the solipsism spirals)

[speedytimemachineblizzard]

Putting Myself FIRST

Before My Spiritual Awakening, I was just living like everyone else, I suppose, I like to joke around NOW, and refer to THAT way of living as “living on autopilot”. My mind was always full of self doubt, worry, fear of the unknown, unsure of who I was or why I was even here, even though I felt like I was missing something, but could never quite place my finger on it. I put up with a lot of people’s bad behavior, I allowed disrespect and simply put, I let everyone walk all over me, doing my absolute best to avoid conflict and would keep the peace at ANY cost, until I realized the cost was actually MY peace.

Oh, the lengths, we as empaths, will go to make sure everyone ELSE is happy and everyone else’s needs are met, thinking we’re actually one step ahead and at peace, not even realizing the resentment building deep inside our soul from not receiving to the same in return from the ones we try so hard to put before our own needs and wants. Over giving, taking on more responsibility than I could handle, and accepting behavior that I would NEVER again in my life imagine of allowing left me in a constant state of feelings defeated, not feeling good enough, unappreciated, taken advantage of, depressed, full of anxiety always worrying about failing or falling short..just plain, flat out unhappy and lacking what I know cherish most, my peace. Living that way my whole adult life eventually caught up with, as it ultimately will with everyone, and I suffered a huge emotional breakdown my last day at work back, which is also the day I quit. The workplace I was employed at affected me so greatly, and even after being advised from family, friends and even former co-workers to just leave, I stayed. I stayed because I felt comfortable, I knew what to expect every single day, including the disrespectful and sny remarks from co workers. I stayed because it fit my schedule as a single mother, having certain times I could work and in the field I was in at the time, the hours I HAD were unheard of and not many people were lucky Enough to receive such a flexible work schedule. So I traded my dignity, worth and emotional/mental health and overall well being for those hours, looking back.

Work wasn’t my only dilemma, of course. I had also personal problems, dealing with a very unhappy family (not my own children): Siblings and as great as my parents have been and ARE, them as well. My parents unintentionally treated me that way of course. I had also recently left a very abusive relationship where I dealt with not only physical abuse, but also verbal, emotional, financial and spiritual abuse and Was trying my best to move on as quickly as possible. Dealing with drinking, trying to numb out some of the pain, I was dealing with just a massive amount responsibility as a single mom taking care of her kids, living in fear of my life bc of my ex, taking on the emotional responsibility of my mother and sister, etc. On top of dealing with my own health issues and mental health. Depression , Anxiety, OCD to name a few. It wasn’t until one day (Yes, one VERY random day) I said : Enough is enough. It hasn’t occured to me, as silly as it sounds, until then, my mid 30’s, that you know what? THIS is not any way for anyone to live. I was like, “What about ME?” I MATTER too! I need love and support TOO! I need a break TOO! I need someone to listen to me as I cry TOO! I deserve to have my needs and wants met TOO! I deserve respect TOO! I deserve to be put first TOO! I remember the day and it was like a tsunami of emotions flooding the gate, it was overwhelming and all consuming. I remember, as well, having random flashbacks from my very blurry childhood that I didn’t realize at the time, were so far suppressed within me. I was angry. Appalled. I was FURIOUS and I felt like my life was a lie. And how could I have not even known? That’s crazy right? No. I know now that it was my body’s way of protecting myself. I had a lot of unresolved issues that NEEDED to be brought to light. Easy right? No. I had no idea I’d spend the next yr or so In isolation, due partly to depression, but also due to my anger and resentment I had developed after all the years towards very special people in my life.

THIS IS WHERE things got even more chaotic. This is where my whole entire way of thinking and view in life changed. I knew LIFE had to be more…

#spiritualhealing #spiritualjourney #spiritualgrowth #spiritualguidance #manifesation #growth mindset #people pleaser #Change #5d consciousness #new earth #intuition #Healing #Meditation