#well you suck so much that it doesnt matter. and then move on with work

[soldier-poet-king]

Ocd trying to convince me I hit a cyclist this morning on the way to work because I had to pass them on a curve w/ oncoming traffic and it got a lil dicey (dicey by my grandma ass driving standards, most ppl in this clown city where ppl drive like it's a PvP zone wouldn't think twice)

I DID NOT hit anyone it's literally down the street from my work, so even IF for whatever reason I accidentially committed a hit and run I would've heard sirens by now. But like. The devil may work hard my OCD works harder TRULY

#franposting #literally the most unhinged flavour obsession i have #this one is rarer #only comes up a few times a year maybe #but like wowee i am going to b thinkin about it for days!!!! #this is like. the time my brain convinced me i killed my prof by writing a critical end of term review. #or that i killed the cashier by not smiling enough #god the HYPOCHONDRIA obsessions ans the existential obsessions are easier #BC ultimately the only affect me. my health or my soul #when im afraid of hurting OTHER ppl??? infinitely worse and harder to talk myself down from #when it's just me i can leverage the power of long standing depression to b like #well you suck so much that it doesnt matter. and then move on with work #(telling myself im worthless isnt Great Ik but it WORKS for the solipsism spirals)

[txtistheloml]

sub!yeonjun + dom!yeonjun drabble - (nsfw) (written separately !!)

word count: 955..!!

note: might have gotten a lil carried away w the dom part its very obviously longer than the sub part but what can i say \( v )/ its my nature hehe~ also if its shit quality mb it was literally 1-2am when i wrote this..!!

sub!yeonjun :

no one can change my mind i just know yeonjun isnt much of a groaner like maybe whiny moans and whimpers GODD it doesnt matter whether hes subbing or domming its the samee @.@ im just thinking ab when you are sucking him off because he deserves it right? (or not thats up to you..!!)

when you suck yeonjun off, he just gets so so whiny, hips bucking up into your mouth once every while, saying cant help it, feels so good.. whenever you fixate your attention on his tip, kitten-licking it and swirling your tongue around his head, he’s in literal heaven. he could prob get off with just you sucking and licking his tip tbh.

as much as you like seeing him get all fucked out when he cums, sometimes you just cant help being a lil mean and edge him. your hand wrapped around his dick so prettily, moving up and down so so quickly it has him releasing the whiniest, prettiest moans ever, breath hitching and with shaky breaths, hes prompting you to not stop bc he feels so so good. dont stop please? when you bring him so dangerously close to his orgasm, you cease the movement of your hand immediately, causing him to buck his hips up into the air as hes brimming up with tears, so so sensitive and pretty boy just wants to cum :(

when you edge him multiple times on end, his cheeks are dusted pink, tip all swollen with precum collecting at the top, begging to be touched. of course you give in at the end and when hes cumming, hes letting out broken wails and loud shameless moans but when you dont stop he gets so overstimulated, tears staining his pretty face as you simply coo at him, good boys take what theyre given hm? you wanted to cum and now im letting you. so take it like the good slut you are, all for me yea?

dom!yeonjun :

yeonjun who always tells you to go to him if you have any problems at all, even if its ab the tiniest things - he dont care, just go to him if you ever need someone to rant to or someone to comfort you. well other than that he has his other ways..!!

one day he sees you coming back from work/school looking like you have a thunderstorm cloud over your head, hes whipping up your fav foods (or takeout lmao) and asking you if youre okie and if you need help. even after you rant (more like bitching but) to him, he could still feel you didnt quite feel better yet so he pulls out his master plan. let me help you feel better sweetheart? he would coo into your ear, oh so sweetly, as he cups your face.

it would start of with kisses that turn messy and sloppy as he leaves feather light touches under your shirt, on your waist and back. i can see him stripping you completely and tying your hands up above your head with a pretty satin ribbon. ill do all the work yea, princess? just relax for me~ , whispering into your skin as he leaves hickies on your sweet spots that he has memorised at the back of his head, trailing down to your wet pussy. he cant help but look at you like that, the view from between your thighs showing him his pretty girl all sprawled out for him, anticipating his touch.

he starts his abuse on your pretty pussy, licking and lapping at your arousal, sucking so harshly on your clit it has your brain going into meltdown already. sticking his tongue into your hole as he thrusts it in and out quickly, nose rubbing against your clit as hes eager to make you cum, relieve you of your stress. definitely makes you cum multiple times on his tongue and fingers before giving you dick.

yeonjun would go hard and rough from the very start !! slamming into you like no tomorrow. boy is so invested in making you cum, his thrusts being so hard the sound of skin slapping skin is radiating off the walls. he literally has you sobbing on his dick, broken wails coming from you as you keep cumming over and over again.

his long and girthy dick making you feel so so good, you can feel the veins of his dick moving in and out of your walls. hes always so big - sometimes too big even. it felt like he was splitting you into half, his dick already stuffing you full to start with, and his cum was just being forced out as he releases load after load into you to make space for his dick in your cute lil hole. youve lost count of how many times hes made you cum this night tbh, too many to count. bro has insane stamina, keeps going despite your protests for him to stop, feeling too overstimulated from everything.

shh, i know you can take it, take it like the good girl you are sweetheart. hes not stopping until you are completely - when i say completely mark my words - fucked out, babbling nonsense and tears staining your cute cheeks, cum dribbling out of your hole, folds and clit all puffy and sensitive, and of course, forgetting why you were having a bad day in the first place.

he loves being able to help you out, railing you and absolutely blowing your back out because surely fucking away a bad day is the best solution right? you letting yourself all loose, leaving yourself vunerably in his arms, knowing he will take good care of you even though you may end up not being able to walk properly for the next week or so <3

taglist!: @huckleberrykai , send me an ask if you want to be added into my perm taglist and make sure to specify if you want to be added into sfw or nsfw..!!

feedback along with likes and reblogs are deeply appreciated !!

#yeonjun drabbles #yeonjun fics #yeonjun smut #yeonjun hard hours #yeonjun hard thoughts #txt drabbles #txt fics #txt smut #txt hard hours #txt hard thoughts #evelyn’s works ⭐️

[exhokai]

heyy if u write for the group iluna from nijisanji en, may i request an dom!aster x gn!reader where the reader is touch starved but aster is streaming so they ends up wearing smth (u can decide) and barges into asters streaming room and sits on his lap and tries to distract him while hes playing some sort of fps game or league and it makes him stop focusing?

AHAHAHA ASTER ARCADIA HEHEHEH

didnt have a photo sorry bookie

this was more of a switchy aster sorry

switch!aster (sub to top), slight grinding, facefucking, deepthroat, nearly getting caught, cum swallowing, enna breaking the 4th walk

a/n: it took me SO so long to work on this im SO sorry

————————————————————————

oh aster dearest aster. aster was playing his silly little games (i didnt know what to put) and actually playing with kyo, enna, and fulgur. well- more like kyo was listening and the others were playing BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT

he was chillin vibing fuckin (hehe fuckin) around when you pop into his room. unnoticed. and wearing his sweater. no pants. just underwear. ya nasty- (gets bonked)

you waddle up to his chair and lay your head on his shoulder. he notices you and gives you a little ‘hello’ expression than whispers ‘im busy’. but you dear reader. dont give a shit. you slide down and get under his arm to than slide onto his lap. hes suprised (FLABBAGASTED) as 1.) you’re wearing his sweater. with only some underwear. thats all 2.) you put your arms around his neck to sit fully on his crotch. moving (purposefully may i add) to get more comfortable. he whispers a hurried “what are you doing?!”

kyo heard it. and so did enna. “yo aster you good?” kyo asked (MY LOVE UHHHGHHHHHVHHGGGG) “o-oh im fine” “are you sure my guy you sound a bit off” goddamnit enna. now your gonna make the narrator haunt you with what aster and the reader are doing-

wait. thats my job hehehe- anyways. fulgur takes notice and says “cmon aster even if theres a cute cat climbing in front of you, we need to win. cmon”

yeah. cat. sure. he looks at you. frustration and anger since he could loose his job. but that doesnt matter that you got food on yo table now does it 🤨. you start moving your hips side to side. slowly. slowly enough so its agonizing for aster. he grips you with one hand. signaling to stop. you dont. you kiss his neck moving down so you slide off his lap. he looks down and gives you a warning look to stop as you pull down his sweats

you pull his dick out of his boxers, fascinated even though you’ve sucked his dick before. you instantly put the head in your mouth as he gasps. you can hear the faint sound of fulgur laughing. “AHAHAHA MY BOY ASTER YOU OKAY?” he starts to speak so you suck on the head hard so it comes more as a strangled “i-im okay!!” hes ashamed as you everyone laughs at him. even chat. “you getting your dick sucked my guy” enna asks. you laugh slightly as you move your head down further on his dick “n-no!! just-“ he cuts himself off as he looks at the chat. sudden anger fills him as one of his hands is taken off of the keyboard and grabs your hair to shove you down his dick. a sound of surprise leaving you

“im fine” he says with sudden composure. he has one hand on the keyboard and one on your head loosing focus yet still playing while you gag so hard on his dick. he moves your head a bit and starts thrusting. quickly and hard as you make gagging noises, surprised at this sudden switch of energy in aster

he gives you a look of “dont move” as he shoves you to the base of his cock. tears well up in your eyes from the suddenness of his thrusting. you grip his thighs so your hands aren’t awkwardly sitting there in your lap. his abuse to your throat is painful yet if feels like your head is reeling from it.

“yo aster what the fuck why are you lacking so much” enna asks. he mutters out a sorry as he lets his hand off your hair and back to the game, letting your head fly around a bit without support.

a few minutes go buy. your throat is sore and his hand is back in your hair. and hes close. he looks down at you, and everyone saw it, his chat starts flying

“HELP IS HE GETTING HIS DICK SUCKED”

“ayo aster why you lookin down like that”

“my guy just looked at his crotch oh nahh 💀”

he panics and makes an excuse “sorry guys i felt something fall. lemme get it” he leans down completely as he pushes his chair back and gets on his hands and knees, still facefucking you. “in close. and you better take it. all”. you oblige. you start crying from the insane speed he has with his hips. god was he always like this? he starts whispering ‘im close im close’ till he presses your face against him. making you take his cum down your throat. he pulls out once hes finished

“dont do that again or it will be worse”

(and enna thinks to herself when she wakes up why she had to open her mouth during that collab. as the haunting image of her coworker fucking someones mouth stays branded because of me lmao)

#nijisanji smut #aster arcadia #nijisanji en #nijisanji x reader #aster arcadia smut #aster arcadia x reader

[fiberglassandflowers]

Hey idk if there’s some master post about mbts but if there is may I please ask where and if not could I perhaps humbly request a description because it sounds cool as FUCK

omg yayy okay so there's not a masterpost as of now (though there is a google doc in the works that will probably be. very big) BUT i will try to give a brief rundown. underneath a readmore 👍

OK SO. IN SUMMARY

MARY BELL TOWNSHIP: more like mary bell CLOWNSHIT ha ha. heavy surveillance like everywhere (including in peoples homes. how fun). it's also got some like radiation stuff going on. all the residents are a lil radiation poisoned But it's mostly fine. also the town moves and i dont know why.

VANNIE OVERTURE: based on suburbia overture. the mayor who is a vampire. major control freak. sucks shit. like most of the reason mary bell is the way it is. permasmile swag. has killed before. hates when people are weird freaks and is actively passive aggressive if not outright aggressive.

TRIP LETWO: based on 2econd 2ight 2eer. world's silliestguy contrarian and infamous public nuisance. deeply tortured individual but shes dealing with it i guess. physically cant leave mary bell township. he has too much goddamn lore

LYDIE LAPLACE: based on laplace's angel. so lame. just deeply lame. killed a guy and got kicked out of office building heaven (laplace's inc. id give this its own section but it doesnt really matter all that much). i dont ever think about it unfortunately im sorry women.

MINA BYRD: based on i/me/myself. very sweet very nice. ladybugpilled socialanxietycel. doesnt have a whole lot going on but she is nice im glad shes there. im gonna have a significant relationships section of this but im saying that shes roommates with lia here bc its not really significant otherwise

WALTER LEE: based on ...well, better than the alternative. worlds first cis father to be a butch lesbian. probably a girl but she doesnt know that. weird nostalgia issues so bad his wife left him.

DOTTY LEE: ten years old. strange little girl but i dont really think about it a lot. not much else to say about her really.

LIA CRATES: based on outliars and hyppocrates. her name is pronounced like lie-uh cray-tees not lee-ah crayts. i have to clear this up because i realized most people were wrong LMAO. a little mean but not so much when you get to know her.

WARREN LEARY: based on blackboxwarrior. actually the worst therapist you will EVER meet. isnt even licensed. you book a session with her and she only talks about herself the entire time. constantly referencing a dark and contradictory past.

MARSHA TILLIS: based on marsha, thankk you for the dialectics. slightly better therapist! still not that good. has the spirit of an old man despite being in his 40s. will begin to psychoanalyze your behavior upon the first thirty seconds of knowing you.

NORMAN LEE: based on love, me normally. guy trying really really hard to be a regular guy. has a loooot of problems that stem from this. hugest people pleaser the world has ever known. a little bit offputting. has hair symbolism :-)

MORTIMER: based on memento mori. doesn't have a last name. worlds silliest grim reaper death thing. works in the death division for laplace's inc. lived a pretty normal life. then it died :-(. more here

FERN O'DYNAMIC: based on thermodynamic lawyer. hates his bitch wife (who is a praying mantis for. unknown reasons? will elaborate). just has a lot of anger inside him and doesnt know how to deal with it so he takes it out on other people. he kind of sucks but he's a neat character.

MIRANDA WRIGHT: the person being sung about in thermodynamic lawyer. bug wife (i can blame anything on radiation). she wasnt always a bug she just kinda did that idk. there's not much about her but she's an etymologist.

COTARD LETWO: based on cotard's solution. she has so many problems oh my gooood. deeply lonely person. fascinated with the macabre. its like coping mechanism that makes you worse. im insane about her writing a basic description is so difficult fkdjsfhsjd

RAMONA MCLAREN: based on red moon + hand me my shovel (though the latter was included later on bc it fit her). worlds most intelligent and stupid single celled organism. patheticswag. absolutely batshit insane. attempting to solve the end of the world.

KUIPER SUNSHINE: based on dr sunshine is dead. uh. i dont really know much about her to be honest SORRY... its really silly though + haver of prophetic dreams that she is NOT transparent about. fucks with people a lot just for funsies

COLIN THESIER: based on cover this song. girl who used to be in a band but got kicked out bc of friend drama. survivor of a toxic codependent queer friendship. trying to be a better person bc she used to suck pretty bad unfortunately. a bit more here

theres like a couple more characters but none of them are really important enough to give their own sections. debbie letwo is trip and cotards mom, laplace is the head of laplace's inc, maude is walter's ex wife who left him (heres the scoop on that).

OK NOTABLE CHARACTER DYNAMICS TIME:

VANNIE/NORMAN: norman has been pretending to be a normal dude this whole time + vannie totally fell for it. normans stuck in this friendship bc hes too much of a people pleaser to break it off even though vannie actively drains him emotionally. also he feels validated by vannie thinking hes normal. its so awful im so insane about their dynamic

VANNIE/TRIP: THEY HAAAATE EACH OTHER. their entire core beliefs are at odds (guy who thinks everyone should do their best to conform vs. guy who loves being a weird freak and doing fuck all). their dynamic is honestly pretty simple in comparison but theyre so petty and stupid its insane. if you put them alone in the same room one of them isnt coming out

TRIP/NORMAN: theyre gay together. there's a weird lore thing about the way relationships are handled in mary bell but long story short theres paperwork that has to be filled out if you want to be registered for one and trip thinks its really funny for xem and norman to constantly break up so they'll have to fill out the paperwork because it fucks with vannie. theyre also kind of awful and tragic

WALTER/DOTTY: that is a father and his daughter. walters trying his best and hes doing well but nothing would have been better than just moving out of mary bell township to raise his child.

WALTER/MAUDE: already linked a more in-depth explanation of their deal but ill summarize it here. maude thought living in mary bell township was really bad for a child (and it is) but since walter has issues about idealizing his childhood he was like "whaaat well i was raised here and im fine" and they fought about it and once it became clear walter wasnt changing his mind maude figured shed just spare herself from all of it. so she left 💯

WARREN/MARSHA: what if the two worst therapists ever were queerplatonic and violated hipaa together. also what if one of them [marsha] was helping the other [warren] because they're on the run from the law. would that be crazy or what

FERN/MIRANDA: actually awful. they really want to divorce but trip and norman keep clogging up the paperwork so theyre on a waiting list forever. their relationship was really good at one point but its not anymore :-( more info here

NORMAN/FERN: fern haaates norman because of the previously mentioned paperwork debacle but normans ass cant deal with the thought of anyone disliking him so hes just been really trying to get on his good side to no avail. also theyre coworkers so its more relevant

MORTIMER/TRIP: man how do i even summarize this one. due to lore reasons that you can read about in the link provided in trips session they have a super weird dynamic present day. or at least on trips end, mortimer is just super friendly to them and it wigs her out.

TRIP/COTARD: OUGUIGHJ. AOAUYFGDSFHSJ. tragic sibliiings. man i dont even know if i can go into this. go here and here if you want to learn more about them. jesus

COTARD/COLIN: frienndsss :-] classic extrovert forcing themselves into introverts life trope a little bit. they play music together and its great. mina's also in their little group but the two of them are closer

KUIPER/RAMONA: have been described by my friend as being "nonromantic freak4freak" and this is true. theyre working together on the end of the world stuff. they also rope cotard into it but thats lore i havent talked much about yet. go here and here for more info about them.

that might??????? be it?????? if there's more ill update it but thats the general basics i think. thank you for being interested and hopefully reading i greatly appreciate it :-)

#explanations #not tagging every single character but i might include a link to this in the pinned post #yayyyy

[aku-babe]

how did you start dating aku?

sorry i havent posted in a bit! heres some messy drabble to make up for it ♡

you liked him first, but he fell in love first

you never expected him to like you back, and since he was your superior, u pushed it away and didnt act on ur feelings

but while u were pushing it away, he was falling !!!

aku was at first completely oblivious of his feelings, and only realised after chuuya or someone teased him abt him staring at you

he was confused, like really confused. he's never been this close to someone before, so he doesn't know what it means

after a lot of overthinking and sleepless nights he might suck up his pride and go to chuuya for advice

...which was a bad idea bc chuuya laughed at him and teased him even more

but chuuya did help him a bit, and aku finally realised that it isnt normal to think about someone 24/7, and it definitely is not “just friends“ if u think abt kissing them

has no idea what he's supposed to do so he also pushes his feelings away :(

u both end up avoiding each other for a bit like a few weeks

but it gets way too frustrating, and not knowing how your missions are going starts to worry him bc he rly cares abt ur safety and wants to protect you :(

he finally snaps when he hears rumours that the mission was compromised, and he drops his work asap and rushes to where you are

his heart is beating fast as he searches all around for you, pulse increasing rapidly as he starts to worry

he finally sees you at the back of building, and he's never been more relieved

you're surprised to see him there after not seeing him for weeks, but before you can even ask what he's doing there, he grabs your shoulders and hugs you !!!!

you're stunned and when aku realises you aren't hugging back hes about to pull away in embarrassment, but you're quick to pull him back and tightly wrap your arms around him

after a minute you both pull away, yet he keeps his arms on your waist as he eyes the cuts, bruises and blood on your body

would probably say something dumb like “why didnt you call me for backup?” knowing fully well he's been avoiding you :|

you hesitate to answer and he starts feeling a little bad but then his thoughts get sidetracked as he realises how close the two of you are rn

ok ik this is really cliche but imagine it starts raining at that moment... u both look at the sky and then back at each other, but none of you move away even as you start to get soaked

his messy hair sticks to his forehead from the rain, his usually pale cheeks are flushed pink, and his lips... staring at them isnt enough and you can't resist anymore

as you stare into his beautiful eyes, all your worries and logic fades away as you can focus on only him, and how much you want him right now

you lift up your hand to caress his cheek, and watch how his cheeks turn even more red !!!

feeling bold, you cup his cheeks and kiss him on the lips, right then and there, you didn't care that it was raining or that you were in public, all that mattered was him.

his brain shortcircuited for a good minute once he felt your lips on his 💀

when he finally came back to his senses, he was quick to pull you closer and hold you tight in his arms

he didnt care that both of you were soaked, he didn't care that your blood had ruined his shirt, you were safe in his arms, and thats all he wanted.

he probably took you to his house afterwards under an excuse of wanting to “treat your wounds”

even after all this he was probably too shy and embarrassed to ask you to become his gf officially, so he would just start acting like youre already dating. if you want him to say it's official, you would have to ask him first lol

but he would definitely tell others that you were his, might even call you his girl

is very protective of you and cares a lot abt you!!

would take a while to get used to being intimate with each other, but once it's done, he loves it so much

doesnt like pda but in private, he always wants you near him, preferably his lap <3

sorry i know this was rly messy and rushed 😭 i will try writing this as a proper oneshot later <3 i hope u liked it anyways

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #anime #akutagawa x reader #ryunosuke akutagawa imagines #akutagawa ryunosuke #akutagawa headcanons #akutagawa

[transgenderer]

can you... expand on that (tlt not being about imperialism)

Elaborate, plz? I'd like to hear more of your tlt opinions

Can you elaborate on the TLT thing with regards of imperialism? I’m not familiar with the series, but I don’t care about spoilers and I want to hear your thoughts on it.

okay so sorry to the third person but i dont want to explain tlt lore so im just gonna assume people know tlt lore. anyway the empire just...doesnt make any sense? which is fine, its not about imperialism. but like, its not clear what exactly the empire is trying to achieve, how its enriching the metropole, etc. its not even clear WHO the empire is fighting? like, we see them occupy territory in NtN but we know that the empire is almost entirely devoted to warfare and yet who that warfare is against is unclear. they move the populations around for like no reason?

i mean, my very loose guess at whats going on is that tLT is actually a critique of extraction-based economic systems (i.e. every economic system since the beginning of time, call me when your premodern society isnt consuming a fixed and irreplaceable quantity of rock), for allegorical magic reasons the biosphere on the nine houses is fucked so theyre almost entirely depend on mining and such, i guess they ran out of material to extract in the solar system (i mean, it is thousands of years later), and so they acquire other planets to mine (plus farm? unclear) them to smithereens (this seems to be described pretty explicitly in NtN), the necromancy means ecological devastation is at megaspeed, the war theyre fighting is over natural resources. obviously itd just be cheaper and easier to extract from uninhabited planets but maybe they need the billionare descendants as like, labor?

so anyway this is bad because 1) "we will run out of resources to extract one day" is, while technically true, kind of a stupid argument imo. like yes obviously eventually, but like, its not modern luxury or whatever that relies on mining, its like...literally bronze age (technically stone age) technology that relies on mining. and a pre bronze age life sucks. and you could make the argument that while yes we could be using it more efficiently, entropy is against us so no matter what you do youll run out *eventually*. so like, then what? you have to make an argument that its running out *soon*, and those are dubious imo, and

2) real life empires were not about extracting natural resources! i mean they were a little. but they mostly werent. the motivations for empire were/are complicated but like, economy is not just "more natural resources good, less natural resources bad", the economy is mostly social and infrastructural wealth, which is complicated to maintain. so again, bad critique of empire.

3) but most importantly, tLT is run by an immortal superpowered godking, and as such the politics in world are totally alien to ours. like, in our world institutions and incentives overwhelm human motives both because humans alone are very weak, theyre only significantly powerful insofar as they can control other humans (or tech), and then also because humans are mortal so institutions outlive them. but tLT doesnt work like that at all, so its capability to be coherent commentary on earth politics is pretty hobbled? which is why it isnt, its a story about its characters, who are complex and whose actions are important on the scale of the characters we know. like yeah jod killed billions but because of the way fiction works this is not the important thing about jod, the important thing is how he treats people we see, which is much more nuanced and complex (alhtough still bad)

uhhhh i had more points. the state of tech in the nine houses is really silly, i know its tied to the resource stuff but it doesnt really make sense anyway. like, tech helps you get more resources. also the nine houses are very short on labor which prioritizes technology. and necromancy doesnt seem to replace technology that well, its pretty limited, esp cuz a single necromancer can only control like, what, ten constructs tops? also the idea of a war-centric economy for thousands of years is really silly. like its just totally infeasible. its fine! the worldbuilding is meant to be evocative and work on first glance, not be a totally functioning system, and it isnt

[skunkes]

sorry for now rare vent post [incredibly long] but

I was JUST thinking about how funny it is to now be half a Positive Thinking person but still incredibly doomer and pessimistic. Like I'm better than before and you can tell! I have to cobble together simple delights so I don't fully snap...like, I go to the grocery store and I get so Happy that I get to leave my house and buy little treats and such. I've trained myself to get excited over the smallest things, because they're all I have.

Doesn't change that my life is never going to not suck + I'll never be able to afford to Live and I don't think there's anything good in my future. And if there is, it's all so much Work + I've had the motivation to Live beat out of me since I was small.

Which then gets countered with "well it doesn't matter what happens to me, I hope the people I love make it out and end up happy." But I dunno. Seems selfish and dumb to get sad about stuff knowing It Doesnt Matter What I Think, Because I'm an NPC, but I do anyway... I get sad... god forgive me, for I have had the impudence to yearn and cry and ache for a better Life despite being a crack in the sidewalk in the grand scheme of things...

I do things for others because I'd want em to do it for me but nobody ever will do it for me and thats fine because I don't deserve it. But I'll still get sad...! Because I'm kind of stupid in that way...!

Its just a cycle of my gosh. i wish i had good things ➡️ i dont really deserve good things because I suck + am lazy and will die (🧿) one day anyway ➡️ i hope others get good things...+ i will try to help ➡️ i feel stupid for getting sad over wanting and not having good things. when I have no right to be...because it doesn't matter...im not da main character...i jst hope everyone else gets what they need/want deserve...etc....

-

well... I'll never be able to live comfortably, and I'm unlovable and incapable of interacting with human beings, whom I adore. I have no prospects and no future. In 5 years I will still not be on T. + Whatever job I can manage to get will kill me in between struggling to pay rent (implying I ever move out.)

But at least on Thursday I'll be able to go with my sister to get some pancake bites, with nutella and strawberries and bananas...

Im really really excited...!!!!

#talkys #long post #sorry sorry...i finally regain sentience after a few days of antibiotic induced grog and fog + the first thing I do is write another #feelings novel...wah! i promise it wont be happening often again. jst didnt feel like putting it on priv

[patrocles]

if aemond survived the war, how do you think his relationship with alys would progress? would he marry her or just bring her with him to KL to be his mistress?

this is a great question!! i will keep it 100%, i am extremely biased so i'm writing all this with only their happiness in mind lol

first though i think if he survived, they would absolutely be stronger than ever, and extremely committed to each other. i'm talking astronomical levels of Power Couple and enough ego to introduce electricity to Westeros. also like she's pregnant with his child. regardless of any outcoes of the war in general, he's not having a bastard nor is he giving any of them up. you just survived a war together! that's a bond that never dies easy

HOWEVER. there are also things to consider with the outcome of the war that i think are interesting when you think of like the mechanics of their relationship working after the war

does he survive and the greens win? does he survive and the greens lose?

does he survive and vhagar dies? does he and vhagar both survive?

all of it matters for like a bunch of reasons, let me kinda parse thru them as best i can

SCENARIO 1: aemond survives, the greens win

he's definitely marrying alys one way or the other, regardless of who it pisses off. if aegon survives and still reigns, he could take over the betrothal that aemond broke. that would probably be better for borros anyways considering they were already planning one for aegon anyways at the time of his death. if aegon still dies, well aemond becomes king and, well sucks to suck borros. there's no way for borros to win with all the cards in aemond's favor, alys becomes queen and their kid legitimized. maybe he works out a peace agreement with cregan, betroths rickon and jaehaera later down the line to fufill the pact with jace or something. even if vhagar did die, borros could threaten revolt out of pissy feelings, but it would die immediately.

the AU of my dreams is alys and aemond moving to oldtown to raise their kids (if aegon and daeron lives and aemond leaves daeron to help watch over things or something). just love the idea of him introducing alys to the witchy lore of his family. @saintaemond and i have an EXTENSIVE au regarding this

SCENARIO 2: aemond lives, the greens lose

lets say the greens still lose and vhagar dies, aemond has considerably less power. he's still aegon's male heir, which makes him valuable. he could assume the throne for like 3 days and he'll probably still marry alys anyways cus yolo and nothing matters by the time the blacks retake KL and cregan seizes control. if aemond hasn't already escaped with alys to live in exile before that happens, he's absolutely getting executed for a laundry list of war crimes so it won't even matter. and even if somehow vhagar survived, it would probably just be easier to take the L and flee to the free cities.

but i guess either of these scenarios really depend on how you think aemond would treat alys-- book!aemond maaaaaaaybe i can see just keeping her as a mistress if he didn't have a choice in the matter, but like everyone knows she's the number one. with show!aemond we don't know the nature of his relationship with alys, BUT what we do know doesnt suggest to me that he's the mistress-keeping type. and if it came to it he would probably choose alys and treat her the honorable way (even if breaking his betrothal with the baratheons was also dishonorable?) but like he's a daddy now. also he just likes her so much

and like maybe i'm just extremely idealistic!! who knows!!

#asoiaf #alysmond #anon #asoiaf ask #aemond targaryen #alys rivers

[andvys]

ANDY YOU DID IT AGAIN!! another great chapter 🫶🫶

Somehow you ended up sitting on Steve’s lap for the rest of the night and usually you

SOMEHOW?? GIRL get off of there

“No you don’t,” you scoff “if you did then you wouldn’t do this. You wouldn’t want to see and fuck other girls, you would be happy with just me!” you say in an angry hushed whisper, not wanting to attract any unwanted attention “but you keep leading me on while you go and do things with god knows who! I’m done with this, Steve. I don’t wanna be the person you’ll settle for once you’re sick of the shit you are doing.”

YES GOOD!! TELL HIM!!!! you deserve better girly 🫶

He wipes the fallen tears that just escaped your eyes and leans in to press a kiss to your cheek “you mean everything to me, y/n. I can’t lose you.”

bullshit 🙄 if she did you would be an asswipe stevie

He stops you once again, placing his hand on your arm, he turns you back to him. He grabs your jaw and looks at you with an unreadable look in his eyes, his eyes flicker from your eyes to your lips and before you know it, he leans down and kisses you.

WHATATAHSHHSHSUDJXIDJD GET OUTTT what does he think he's doing 🤨 get your babygirl lips off of my girl and stop hurting her !! 😫

You take the little box out and open it, your mouth waters at the sight of the chocolate cake “and it’s my favorite! How did you know?”

CHOCOLATE CAEKEJKEJK I WOULD CRY. I WOULD FAINT. I WOULD DO SO MUCH FOR A CHOCOLATE CAKE RN. all the mind blowing sex they're having doesnt even matter right now this is what would make me fold 😭

Warmth rushes through you and your eyes soften as he pulls out a guitar pick necklace, one that is similar to his.

THIS IS SO SO SO VERY ADORABLE WHAT!!! guitar pick necklaces are so cute i'd love it as a gift :) i have my fav pick and i want to wear it all the time bc it's so pretty but i also don't want to pierce it so it's a struggle

‘Because I want to be the one to take you on dates. Because I want to keep seeing you. Because I want to bring you chocolate cake after work. Because I want to kiss you first things in the morning and at night before I close my eyes. Because I want to fuck you, hear your moans and the way you say my name when I bring you close to the edge,’ he thinks to himself.

GET YOURSELF A MAN WHO THINKS THAT ABOUT YOU!! and settle for nothing less 😌

“I can be gentle with you.”

AAAAA MY HEART he's so sweet with her 🫶🫶 i love it when he's gentle, my girl deserves some soft and quiet love too ❤️‍🩹

You can feel the shift of his energy. He feels insecure.

noo:( poor boy

“Well, I always thought you are hot, Eddie,” you smirk as you tug at his pants. He lifts his hips up a little, letting you take his pants and boxers off. His erection springs free, slapping against his stomach. Pre cum is leaking out of his tip. You take his cock in your hand and jerk him off teasingly as you keep eye contact. His eyes roll back and he moans at your touch “and you have the prettiest dick I have ever seen,” you whisper as you lean in to kiss the tip of his dick.

AAAAAAAAAAA no but fr so many people say dick are ugly but i genuinely think they can look pretty

Your breath hitches in your throat as he smirks at you when he leans down again, his curls fall on your skin, tickling you. Eddie kisses your pussy teasingly as his fingers move through your already soaked folds “did sucking me off make you this wet?” he asks as he kisses your clit “or did your pretty pussy just miss me?”

THE DIRTY TALK???¡&^(×,×(@;-(-,'cnek2i1iqmql1ozmxn

“Choke me, daddy.”

WHATAJSNSISBWIQ I eoamaow xl2vziV1isnzva8wb17hw9691b17ey1oq X. GIRL YOURE CRAZY FOR THAT. AAAAA

oh my god. every new chaoter is a RIDE. i am UNWELL in the best way possible i LOVED IT !! ♡♡ honey anon <3

AHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS 🥹🥹

THE FIRST COMMENT LMAOOO💀 ugh she belongs on Eddie’s lap only 😩

Steve is a villain in this one, just wait till he finds out about her and Eddie!!!

You love when he’s gentle huh? Want some soft smut in the next one? 🤭 & OMG GUITAR PICKS ARE THE BEST! I got Eddie’s 🥺

I also think dicks can be pretty….. sometimes

IM GLAD YOU LIKED THIS SO MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FEEDBACK YOU ARE AMAZING 🥹🫶🏻💗

#andy’s asks #honey anon <3

[faggotmox]

oh fuck i'm abt to talk abt growing up the child of alcoholics with a bryan as an older brother so scroll on or hit read more, i do not care.

my moms drank herself to death. she drank our whole lives & well before it. my dad too but he's a passive drinker. anyways, the point being my mom was fucked up, she had mental health issues & came from a physically & emotionally abusive home. as a child she was kept from her father after her parents divorced, her mother beat her at times, & she often had to protect her little brother who is kinda slow.

guess what kinda environment she made for us? my moms never laid hands on us, but she abused emotionally & mentally. the shit she did always raised alarm bells with me (crawling into my bed, drunk at early hours as she cried abt how she's a bad mom to me & things along these lines). my brother did not see these things are red flags or alarms.

my mom & I were my brother's only blood relatives here bc my mom took him from his dad after her divorce & moved across the country (huh kinda like how her mom kept her from her dad after their split, huh???). my dad was a fine father to us (aside from the drinking & queerphobia) but he was only my brother's dad by default which is proved now after my mom's passing & my dad doesnt really want anything to do with my brother.

anyways, my mom was all my brother had. so there was always an excuse or a reason why what she was doing was okay or fine or didn't matter. ofc we never had big blow up abt shit, bc in real life people just die they don't have big dramatic bullshit. but bryan's point of view, his excuses, his reasoning, runs parallel to my brother's feelings & place. i was the one trying so hard to get him to see, so he didn't get fucked up by her. i never wanted to like cut my mom out, maybe get her help but yeah she died before that, i just didnt want my brother wrapped up in her issues which caused issues in him.

i the kid that realized i was an alcoholic & got to work on that. my brother didn't, he still doesn't see what she did & we are going five plus years post death by drinking. & we watcher her kill herself, she was told to stop drinking & she pared down. drank "only" beer & wine, nothing hard, & ofc that was still making her sick. she eventually got sick enough she couldn't drink really.

so much of the emotional charge between regal, bryan, & mox, all people who have first hand experience with life threatening addiction, is so fucking real. if youve never been in it, like we have, you may not understand the pain these three are sharing & presenting to us. ive been mox holding onto the rope, shaking & wanting to plead for bryan to see but knowing he wont. ive been bryan, blinded by the love of someone important & special something unconditional. & ive been regal, a drunk who has hurt the people around me.

god that fucked me up. but it did it's job. it got under my skin, it triggered me & forced me to deal with certain feelings ive compartmentalized. as a person who has lived, in a way, every aspect of this story they're telling...its accurate & it hurts & its fucking painful & it's good. as hard & painful & unwanted as this is for me, its also good for me. & as someone who cant fathom putting that out there, on a national stage, i respect what they're doing bc it must be fuckin hard.

i lost over a year's sobriety on October 25th. i only got a few weeks under me anymore. & in a way this reminded me that it's going to relapse, that it's part of recovery, & i can move forward from here. its fuckin dumb that this shit can work, like when it's something you want to & need to see, art can work really well to help you realize shit. it fuckin sucks but im not alone. my mom wasn't alone. my brother isn't alone. even if we don't quiet see it.

#fumy enough the day i lost it is jeff Jarrett's anniversary day lmao #cant forget that date lmao #to be deleted #delete later #abt ranger #dont read this its dumb and makes no sense #hi this is my journal entry #where i talk abt that bcc promo

[brunz]

long

i was watching this video on special books by special kids a youtube channel i like very much and this guy chris interviews, mostly children at first, but also some adults, people with different medical disorders or mental disorders that effect their lives significantly, and he talks to them in a really positive but also real way and lets them share their experiences directly which i think is great. anyways i was watching one with this guy Daniel (go figure) and i know these feelings arent unique and i also understand his feelings are a lot more intense than mine, but he struggled a lot with feeling like he was worth anything and social interaction and feeling like he fails people and just not feeling joy. among other things. those other things i did not relate to because i am not a veteran nor do i have ptsd and im not schizophrenic. but i just related to his feelings of suicidality and often feeling like theres this black hole this like permanant thing that you just carry that sucks the joy and complicates everything that you do and everything you think. im better now but having been kinda suicidal in middle school and highschool and intensely suicidal during college (suicidal for me that is. i made no attempts but i did self harm and i did often feel compelled to do something)

idk where im getting at with this. i watched the video and i just wanted to hug him so bad. and there was some hope. but sometimes if i really think about this stuff, that narrative of never getting better, the narrative of owing the world my suicide, the narrative and kind of fantasy of bad things happening to me and me deserving it and me moving on to whatevers next and the narrative of me never significantly improving my life because im a coward that should be put down. that narrative grows stronger and feels truer and truer and truer. the fact that i can call it a narrative i guess is a nice step away from just accepting it as truth which is what i often did as a child, but even with that awareness, it can still feel correct? like oh yeah this is what ive been taught and learned behaviors and whatever whatever but if i cant do anything aobut it and its gonna follow me all my life, than its going to do what its going to do, and there is kind of a logical conclusion. it doesnt matter if the thoughts are irrational or wrong, they manifest in a way that kind of make them true anyways. idk. its all relative i suppose.

in the video he talked aobut being forcibly put into a psychiatric facility for sometime and idk how to say this in a nonentitled way but sometimes i envy that experience. it would be like atleast an acceptance that other people recognize that something is wrong. and i suppose its a bit of punishment. and change. of course i say this , but i know how awful it is and im sure if it happened i wouldnt be saying this. ive already had this experience with my parents as i used to believe that i would deserve it if something really bad happened to me, so much so that i kind of wanted it to happen. one of those things was my mom dying which i used to think about but never thought it would happen. of course it did eventually happen, and in a really awful way. did it satisfy or solve anything? no. did it matter that i got my “punishment”? no. especially not given it wasnt just my pain, its my mom dying. but theres no big story or meaning to this whole thing anyways, i just mean. idk what i mean. im just saying all the stuff i taught myself as a kid that had atleast some weird positive aspect of “this should happen” didnt even work when it did happen.

this is quite rambly because i need to say it and if i try too hard to fix typos and structure i wont actually say it. and i need to say it because ill think it now and forget it later and i need to record this. i often feel like my memory is getting worse as well. idk how true that is but part of me feels like im just losing more and more, even given how unbelievably lucky i am in so many ways. 

getting better and assessing life and trying to unravel and undo so much complicated stupid shit is. i dont wanna say hard but it is. it feels like just undoing this massive gordian knot. suicide being the sword i suppose. 

im not suicidal im fine, its just that i have been before and im very confident it will come back stronger later because it just feels like the right and correct thing to do for me at some point in my life. it used to be almost certain by my turning 30 years old, and given that i have about 5 years until then, that is a little scary. no real reason for that number its just that it felt correct. it feels less correct now, but its only the number, and not the eventual um deed.

there is also a massive guilt because what the fuck do i have to complain about, im a trust fund baby whos never worked a day in their life with wonderful friends who give me more time than they ought to and ive been handed everything over and over and over and yet this cyclical markov chain of just hating myself and guilt and compulsion has followed me all my life and i dont know what to do about it. i guess ive improved it over the last few years but its times like these that feel like its all just a big lie. hopefully its not and you know, there is something there that i will eventually be a “real person”. I am not that person yet and idk if i ever will be. I guess the punishment of institutionalization or self harm or suicide feel like the most real things that i could do. but i know after them, id stil feel guilt anyways. especially given that, no matter how i feel about myself, i cannot stop how others feel about me and they seem to love me and care about me and so im aware that suicide would be very hard on them and i dont want to do that either.

this is way longer than i meant it to be and im kind of thinking as i go along and if you read this far well shit ill just say im surprised lol. or maybe youre just skimming through. thats cool too. this is not private, but it is also not intended for anyone to read. its kind of nothing tbh. it just needs to exist and not in a notebook. hopefully this isnt a narcissistic mess.

#suicide tw

[chaudharis]

Can you share more clone trace and hammond thoughts!! like. how would she react to *gestures at all of trace, possibly including beast mode trace*

joke response:

real response will be under the cut

but yeah. 1) depends on which hammond were talking abt here and 2) if were talking abt old hammond, the question there is how much does she know. have athetos and hammond kept in contact somehow? i wouldnt be shocked. can she just. watch? in the afterlife? unable to do much of anything? what if she knows nothing. and so if her only source of info would be trace telling her His Really Awesome Backstory, yknow, his very heavily manipulated backstory where he hasnt gotten an ounce of truth, how. is that gonna make her feel. esp if he starts talking abt athetos, and his again! very manipulated viewpoint! whats that gonna be like. theres... a lot of variables at play that can affect them, god just with old hammond and trace alone.

but yeah. 1) depends on which hammond were talking abt here and 2) if were talking abt old hammond, the question there is how much does she know. have athetos and hammond kept in contact somehow? i wouldnt be shocked. can she just. watch? in the afterlife? unable to do much of anything? what if she knows nothing. and so if her only source of info would be trace telling her His Really Awesome Backstory, yknow, his very heavily manipulated backstory where he hasnt gotten an ounce of truth, how. is that gonna make her feel. esp if he starts talking abt athetos, and his again! very manipulated viewpoint! whats that gonna be like. theres... a lot of variables at play that can affect them, god just with old hammond and trace alone.

i think ultimately she is deeply sympathetic to his situation and i really dont think shed ever like. not try to reach out and help him and be a friend? at WORST shes a little EEEEHHH initially bc *gestures to his whole deal* but like. thats like. not really anything. they dont... have the same dynamic as they used to. i think she would kinda like. feel like walking on eggshells around him? she doesnt want to make him feel Worse. but also like. it sucks lol. but its not all bad? its just. complicated.

and thats sorta the defining thing here. its. deeply complicated! no matter which route you take. alright, say, trace interacts with 2005 hammond. he knows her SO well from then, thats his bffip (best friends forever in physics)! but hes. as ive said, hes gonna be so different after everything. thats literally how the game ends! hes RADICALLY different. trace did NOT spawn into sudra with an identity crisis yknow. he suddenly leaves his lab, he moves away from everything, and becomes essentially a total hermit, only focusing on a way back to whats now the only thing he understands. thats um. a pretty big difference, and thats just going off of CANON. so hammonds bffip (best friends forever in physics) is already like. a p new person all of a sudden, and then couple whayevers going on THERE with any interpretation u want for post av1 for trace just. yeah sorry hammond thats sadly not ur bffip anymore. bjt the nice thing is that they can still be friends, itll just be. Different. a different dynamic.

but then like like no matter what way u wanna interpret hammonds situation in the afterlife like. SHES gonna be essentially unrecognizable too. how recognizeable are you after say, 5 yrs? 10? 20? 50? like. shes. OLD. she has had YEARS upon YEARS more of life experience thats radically changed her too, and so the inverse will apply to trace too!!! hes notngonna recognize her, i mean he'll know Thats Hammond but not. HIS. hammond. he doesnt recognize her in the same way, get what i mean? and then same goes back. they might look at each other n go Thats My. Friend? but not mucn more recognition beyond that.

but thats not.. exactly a bad thing. this is how life works. its how it chqnges us. i think this just opens more opportunities to explore like. the way theyve both changed and grown, in theirnown ways. the ways WE change and grow as people, for better or for worse. the way our relationships change with us, etc etc. its a fascinating subject, isnt it?

its... a little tragic, in a way, with how they now have this. Disconnect, i guess you could say. but that doesnt mean they cant form a new connection and i think theres something meaningful there too.

#ask #my art #hammond #trace #**FINALLY. GOD. FUCK** #SORRY THAT TOOK A LOOOONG TIME FOR ME TO GET OIT #i didnt even talk abt what the dynamics look like rlly. if u want just be specific abt it n i can elaborate. this is just like #a veru hard thing to answer #like i said. lots of variables at play #beast mode #right right hes here i forgor

[sagemoderocklee]

omg let’s go choose violence multiples of three 🔥

3. ANSWERED

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

lotta them are but def S/S and N/H for me.

i think n*r*gaa is annoying but like the actual fandom has toned down some or maybe i just been out of it so long i never have to see anything from them. though i still think its annoying whenever the fandom does stupid lil 'gaara is jealous of sasuke' jokes. annoyin as hell and completely disregards the way gaara empathized with sasuke--even if kishimoto couldn't commit to that more strongly. but hey no one is important unless they can be used to prop up the MC, and god forbid anyone but naruto feel anything for sasuke i guess. not like the whole thing with gaara and sasuke in classic was that gaara saw himself in sasuke... like rlly fuckin sucks what we coulda had there

9. worst part of canon

god there's so much that's bad but definitely the Otsutsuki. gotta be my least fave thing. zero foreshadowing because it was just a gimmick for boruto.

also ch 700 sucks and doesnt exist to me

12. ANSWERED

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

gonna assume this is meant negatively but uh besides the obvious blushing gaara shit also the orientalist designs that are out there. like gaara in these fake ass belly dancer type costumes. ugly and racist as hell. like if you wanna put Gaara in clothes from SWANA regions then do the fucking research. dont just throw shit together. you cant culture vulture your way to a diverse cast of characters

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

bitch i dont know >< uh... yeah i got nuthin

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

lmao most of it but definitely Madara

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

a*3

if someone wants to give their money to a site that hosts cp, racist fics, silences pro-Palestine volunteers, treats volunteers like shit and ignores the volunteers of color experiencing racism then imma block and move on with my day. and if someone wants to align themselves with ppl who send messages to the effect of "lol because of this im donating $100 to a*3" to mostly Black bloggers seeking mutual aid who happen to be critical of said site... well thats on them too. these ppl are one step away from callin Black ppl slurs but sure it's more important to protect this site from so-called censorship (it's actually just moderation, but go off with that fake ass oppression)

you dont get to call somethin art and then not criticize it and the spaces it inhabits. real literature is criticized, so if fanfic is held up to that standard then it and the spaces it exists in should be criticized--and in general any community space needs to be held to a standard, but hey that's askin mostly white ppl to care about community. but like either its transformative and therefore warrants engagement on that level or its just for fun--and if its the latter, then youre still sayin its fine to have fun at the expense of others; its fine to disseminate works that maintain the status quo, and even encourage it. you cant 'representation matters' and 'fiction doesnt impact reality' a thing--the two are contradictory, only one can be true, and hint: it's not the latter--or the space it exists in.

also genuinely think its so disingenuous to act like ppl critical of that site are all doin it out of spite and to "ruin ppls fun" insteada because they want that space to be welcoming and better for everyone--safer. ppl pushin for change are tryna make it a place that doesnt cause harm, silencing that is so fuckin stupid

#ask game answers #once again swingin a bat here with that last answer but i block liberally so w/e #and its not like i ever been shy about my criticism of a*3 or fandom in general #so this shouldnt surprise anyone who been followin me

[toonfinch]

you are all so fucking stupid.

godbless.

did you have fun? did you get the need to prove yourself to reddit strangers out of your system?

you are very cunning. all of your claims are completely unsubstantiated and i cant do much do refute them because its so many claims that are MAYBE half correct and would force me to spend hours i do not care to spend on debunking. oh well. it doesnt matter. i am just going to let you believe whatever you want to believe. you cant do anything to me<3

ill move out when i am able, learn some patience and a little bit of tact. you arent going to make me homeless. i will move out when i am safe to. suck it the fuck up. this is NOT the worst situation you could be in.

also not that i can prove it, but i was never diagnosed for bipolar disorder. just depression. the lithium was for mood stability and didnt even work. it made my EYEBALLS TWITCH and did not even fix the mood instability.

edit: dog was never threatened, thats a whole ass lie, and i have a job and owe zero dollars in rent. because i pay rent. because it turns out my goal was never to financially abuse, just not be homeless. lol.

by the way B im not sure why youre deadly convinced i was using your disability to get out of a date i was too scared to go on. you literally met the guy once before. why would i be scared of a second date more than the first? if i had good reason to be scared of him id have simply said im not going because of that. i was looking forward to getting my dick wet, tbh

#get a fucking life #seriously

[cow-legs]

Of course it does feel a little silly to make big update posts about how im burned out and am trying to take a break from drawing right in the middle of a time where im uploading new art more relatively consistently than i have in a very long time it feels like but i guess it was still important to make the distinction, between things that i enjoy drawing and can keep doing vs things i dont enjoy doing at all and need to stop immediately, just for my own sake.

Openly telling people "yuuup i'm not going to be drawing anything other than super basic shit from now on for a long time" means that whenever i think of drawing anything post-worthy i know i will feel silly for posting it after saying that, and from there if i still decide to go through with it anyway it was probably something i actually wanted to draw and enjoyed doing while if this thought made me self conscious enough to not go through with it then it was probably something i wanted to draw only due to impulsive obligation rather than something i wanted to spend time making just for the fun of doing it so the spell gets broken. So its a functional enough system, i guess.

&now that this distinction has been made in my brain i can spend more time doing shit i actually enjoy instead of letting it get beaten out by the things i "should" be working on every time

Putting my foot down and going "no, i am not going to keep forcing myself to do detailed clean lineart on even more detailed sketches when i get much more enjoyment out of just doing really rough and simple shit instead" after i have found myself independently coming to realizations about what kinds of art just suck the life out of me over and over again and then just disregarding these realizations every single time to go back to the shit that kills me because "well this is how you normally do it" or "this technically looks nicer, in some aspects" and finally just fucking forcing myself to stop doing that is probably overall more helpful to my mental health than just forcing myself to stop drawing altogether when thats a drastic move that may or may not be the actual solution. Now i am finding and re-learning ways to create things that don't make me feel like i am a walking corpse so i think i will take the feeling of thinking i look a little silly for seemingly disregarding my big life updates over never having found these things out for myself at all any day.

I don't really know why i feel like making update posts in the first place when to be honest i dont think it really matters, people arent paying me for any of this and i stopped feeling "sorry" for "not posting enough" or such things as that a long time ago so it's not like i feel any kind of legitimate need to tell people about what my status is creative-wise. But i guess a large part of it is just that i like talking and have a lot of things to say but for various personal reasons have no desire to post 99% of these thoughts publicly so it's the like rare chance i get to actually start saying shit on any of my art accounts that is actually relevant to the subject at hand without crossing my own boundaries and saying more than i am comfortable with

It is a little weird feeling writing update posts though because i dont really know how to word them in any way that doesnt come off as a fanfic authors note going "sorry its been a whole 20 minutes since the last update i got mugged and all my money was stolen and he broke my leg also but im trying my best to write more despite this" like girl focus on the mugging not this shit. When in reality i actually dont care very much about providing Content as much as the hypothetical fanfic author i just felt the need to say something because why not and didnt know how to word it in a way that makes me not come off like that. which is how you get this i guess. anyway i already forgot what the point of this post was i guess i just wanted to say some shit. which tracks i suppose.

The moral of the story or some shit i guess is that even if you are not doing art as a job it can still end up feeling like one and killing your creative spirit like one would and you need to be able to identify when this is happening and what things you dont actually want to create even though you feel like you "should" so you can kill these practices before they kill you

or something like that

I dont really care about having a point here i wrote this at 2 am

i just like talking

#this post will self destruct

[jbt7493]

see so kwarrtz has. Waht the fuck the post editor is different. kwarrtz has some points about possible flaws in the combined-battlefield/3dmoba fps/dark souls melee shit with veihcles thing. like. just sorta intrinsically theres some problems with having melee combat be actually usable at all on very large scale maps with open sightlines, vehicles, non player combatants and all that shit.

unfortunately i am unsure how you would even have melee interact with the vehicles positively. and i kinda like guns / medium range spells. they also allow a lot of neat interactions and gunplay is generally fun. I think in general the concept of this 'game that exists solely in my head' wouldnt work that well outside of my head. but beside the point, and there would also be even more complicating systems i havent described here, but beside the point.

uh I think the idea of putting like a dozen different movement systems does actually rock for real. put like mirrors edge and mario 64 and hell throw in like a skateboard and a grappling hook as well. You should be able to do like seven backflips over a lower skill player before skewering them with your blade and/or shooting them with a cool gun / magic spell.

(the problem is ranged combat doesnt care as much about the positioning between players in active gunfight, and if it does its mostly distance, not location. which doesnt allow for as much neatness in the 'use skilled movement to defeat another player' besides 'move faster than they can aim at you' / surprising them (with high enough ttk that this is a very significant advantage. it obviously matters your tactical positioning before getting into the fight but even then that is not necessarily as high as the significance for melee because fewer things will affect the actual fight itself in terms of positioning as they would for melee combat. so that will obviously not necessarily work as well with doing all sorts of mirror edge shit as melee would. And listen I know what titanfall is. and titanfall is cool and I want the gunplay in this conceptual game to be like titanfall except even without having played titanfall I know i would suck ass at it and i would wanna be good at it. But. titanfall combat is still not really that like. nuanced once youre actually shooting at people right)