#I CANNOT MAKE ANOTHER PARAGRAPHSJEHEKRGKEEHKWEBDND

[raedas]

Theme music plays.

Carmen sneaks through the museum.

Chase: Freeze! Right there!

The video pauses, revealing that we have been watching a recording.

Chase: Now rewind. Stop. Zoom in on her face. That is not Carmen Sandiego.

The culprit has a similar silhouette, but wears an eye patch and has straight white hair.

Chief: She calls herself the Duchess. A.C.M.E. had no record of her existence... until late last night when she sashayed out of Amsterdam's Rijksmuseum packing a painting valued at over 30 million euro.

Chase: 30 million euro for that?

Julia: "Woman in Blue Reading a Letter" is one of Johannes Vermeer's most important earlier works. SEe the hallmark of his style? The way he paints natural light makes his subject look so realistic.

Chase: Ms. Argent, need I remind you that you're the only one who cares about such dull facts?

Chief: Excellent eye, Agent Argent. Attention to detail is the very cornerstone of A.C.M.E. surveillance.

Chase: Uh, um, precisely why we should further analyze the particulars of this, uh, uh... hmm.

Julia: Swipe here.

Chief: I highly suggest acquainting yourself with our CrimeNet technology, Agent Devineaux. You're not with Interpol anymore. Your first mission as agents of A.C.M.E. will be to recover that painting and ascertain whether or not this Duchess is working for V.I.LE.

Chase: Or, whether she is an accomplice to Carmen Sandiego.

Carmen: Blue isn't really my color, but I have to admit... I've never stolen anything so luminous.

She's looking at the painting stolen by "the Duchess."

Player: Enjoy it while you can, Red. You have a whole hour before you need to get back in character.

Carmen: Right. Let's get the crew up to speed. Zack, Ivy!

Zack, wearing the eye patch: Avast, me mateys! Arr!

Ivy, wearing the white-haired wig: Is this a good look for me?

Carmen: Those aren't toys, people. They're my disguise. Now pay attention. Here's what we know: Player's decryption of the V.I.L.E. hard drive revealed details of an intricate ongoing operation. V.I.L.E. operatives have been quietly stealing paintings by the artist Vermeer from museums all over the world and replacing the originals with amazingly accurate forgeries.

Ivy: What? Why would they bother leaving fakes behind?

Carmen: To ensure museum security would never realize the originals had been stolen to begin with, which would allow the entirety of Vermeer's collected works to slowly and steadily be amassed by V.I.L.E. mastermind Countess Cleo.

Zack: What's the big whoop about these paintings anyway? No cars, no clowns, no dogs playing poker?

Ivy: Yeah, and she's reading. Snore.

Player: You aren't the only ones who thought that. But after some research, I began to see things in a different light. The Netherlands isn't only known for its tulips, windmills, and wooden shoes. It's famous for its painters from the Dutch Golden Age of the 1600's, Vermeer among them.

Carmen: But the ordinary people of his portraits weren't the stars of the show. That would be the mind-boggling way Vermeer captured natural light with his paintbrush. Only 34 confirmed paintings by the maestro exist. Not a whole lot for a major artist. That makes each one an extremely rare and valuable treasure.

Player: Which is why we freaked when we learned there was only one last Vermeer left for Cleo to steal, from the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, capital of the Netherlands.

Carmen: So I had to act fast and got to it first and made my escape through one of Amsterdam's 165 canals, masquerading as the Duchess. "Woman in Blue Reading a Letter" is our only shot at stealing back the other 33. We need Cleo to take the bait so we can push for a direct face-to-face, in the hopes of figuring out where she's keeping the rest.

Player: And if she had any suspicion that she were dealing with the master super thief Carmen Sandiego, she'd never let you anywhere near her stolen prizes.

Carmen: That's why, when Cleo's courier arrives to authenticate the painting, it'll be the Duchess who meets him at the door.

There's a knock at the door.

Player: Whoa, that can't be him. He's an hour early.

Zack: Yowza! Room service is wicked fast here.

Carmen: Wait! Don't open that doo--

Zack does. Carmen and Ivy hide. Player disconnects the video call.

Dash: Oh, still running on Moscow time. Hmm. Um... you're not a duchess.

Zack: You're not my sandwich.

Dash: Ahaha, I must have the wrong room. I...

He spots the painting.

Dash: Oh... there she is. "The Woman in Blah"... I was to meet a duchess. You would be her...?

Zack: Duke. Ah, yes. Ahem. I'm the Duke... ahah, of, uh, uh, uh... Vermeer! Vermeer. Yes. Haha.

Dash: That's a pace?

Zack: Um, yeah. I-In Boston. B-Boston. And you would be, mate?

Dash: Dash Haber. Executive courier to Countess Cleo.

He uses an electronic monocle to check that the painting is authentic, then starts to walk off with it.

Dash: I'll wire the funds immediately and take her off your hands.

Carmen motions for Zack to stop him by motioning her finger across her neck. Zack runs to Dash and repeats the gesture.

Zack: Does, uh, this mean anything to you?

Dash: Heh. I'll inform the Countess.

Cleo: Mr. Haber, report.

Dash: The painting checks out. But I think the Duke would prefer to deal directly with you?

Cleo: Duke? I promised a complete collection. If I don't have number 34 in my hands tomorrow night, I'll be laughingstock of the criminal underworld.

Dash: The Countess wishes to invite you to a dinner party and auction.

Zack: Great! Yeah, text me the address.

Dash: Good. A car will pick you up tomorrow, 5pm sharp. And no plus-ones, just the painting.

As soon as he closes the door, Ivy throws the wig at his head.

Ivy: Is your brain made of Swiss cheese? Yes, the kind with the holes.

Player: Why would Cleo auction the Vermeers after going through so much trouble to complete the set?

Carmen: The thrill of the hunt doesn't last long for her. And the combined value of the art could easily surpass one billion dollars.

Ivy: [whistles] Hello, V.I.L.E. slush fund.

Carmen: We'll only have a brief window to steal back all 34 while they're under one roof before they scatter to the winds. The good news is, we're invited to a party.

Player: And... the not so good?

Carmen: We only have 24 hours to transform Zack into a convincing duke.

Zack is standing in front of a mirror.

Carmen: Cleo will expect a duke to speak in proper diction. Repeat after me: "Park the car in Aardvark Yard."

Zack, with a Boston accent: Park the car in Aardvark Yard.

Carmen, moving his mouth up and down: Park the car in Aardvark Yard.

Zack: Park the car in-- hold on, hold on. I'm gonna get it.

Carmen: Cleo will expect a gentleman to wear appropriate wardrobe.

Zack: Aw no, not a monkey suit.

Ivy: It suits you. You're way more monkey than man.

Carmen: Salad fork.

Zack: Okay.

Carmen: Table fork.

Zack: Got it.

Carmen: Dessert fork.

Zack: Yum, dessert!

Carmen: Fish fork.

Zack: Yuck! F-F-Fish? Oh, come on! You never said I'd have to eat fish.

Carmen: If they serve it, just keep telling yourself it tastes like chicken. You need to learn enough talking points about art history to fit in.

Zack: Oh come on. Why?

Carmen: Because if Cleo thinks for even one moment you are not who you say you are, she'll feed you to her dogs.

Zack: Just don't let her feed me any fish. Okay, okay, okay. Small fork, salad, dessert fork, cake. Small fork... Park the car in Aadvark Yard. Park the car in Aardvark... Park the fork in Salad Yard. Park the fork in my mouth.

Carmen: Zack, you ready?

Zack: Ready to park the car in Aardvark Yard.

Ivy: Dude, that's weird, right?

Carmen: It's showtime.

Zack goes to the limo. Carmen and Ivy watch from the car.

Cleaner: Arms?

He extends his arms. They use a wand to check him for contraband.

Ivy: No tracker?

Carmen: First thing they check for.

Cleaner: Clean.

Cleaner: We go.

He puts a bag over Zack's head. When they drive off, Carmen and Ivy follow.

Carmen: You're doing great, Ivy. Just keep a safe distance. ...We have a tail.

Ivy: Would you look at that. A tail tailing a tail.

Chase: This A.C.M.E. technology is more my speed.

Julia, on a screen: Agent Devineaux, the hotel guests registered under a fake name, but I was able to connect the payment source to the van rental. You may very well be following the Duchess.

Chase: Or, Carmen Sandiego.

Julia: I suppose that is possible.

Chase: Ohoho! Delighted to hear that you agree for once.

Julia: But depriving the world of historic works of art does not seem to be Ms. Sandiego's M.O.

Chase: Bah! Just see what you can learn in the hotel suite. I am driving.

Julia: But Agent Devin--

Carmen: Hmm, an old admirer... in a new set of wheels. Player, there's a bridge half a klick southeast of us. Can you hack into it?

Player: I'm on it.

Carmen: Take this turn.

She does. Chase follows.

Player: Ah, a drawbridge. Coming right up.

He starts to raise each side of the drawbridge from the middle.

Carmen: Straight ahead. Step on it.

Ivy: Really?

Carmen: Make the jump, Ivy. We can't let our tail blow Zack's cover.

Chase: You jump, I jump.

Ivy: Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh! I can't!

She slams on the brakes. Chase sails ahead.

Chase: Nooooo!

The car half makes the jump. Then he sees Carmen in his rear-view mirror.

Chase: You! Haha, I knew you were behind...

His movements cause the car to start falling backward.

Chase: No, no, no, no, no... noooooo!

The car plummets into the water.

anon did you. did you type this all out yourself because i would like to shake your hand

#THE WAY I LITERALLY RAN OUT OF TEXT BOOKS #I CANNOT MAKE ANOTHER PARAGRAPHSJEHEKRGKEEHKWEBDND #no but seriously. props this ask was so serotonin but ALSO so out of the blue ??? #the duchess episode my beloved.... #asks #anon #cs #long post