#I don't...... like. any of the works. in the gallery. they just don't resonate with me. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

necroangelz · 29 days

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Im watching a documentary about celts and white people and white power and Europe and Finnic people and Scandinavian people and The Roman Empire and white people feeling real nazistic now anyway sends all the emojis of the emoji game -🎀

Sana Tamaan Ka Ng Kidlat Ni Bathala

haha anyway wow 🎀 anon that sounds like a very educational documentary. did that inspire uu with any nazi feelings?

『 💉 』

a kin memory

as sunny omori, i was genderfluid afab, probably on the aroace spectrum, and used any pronouns. mari's full name was Marianne. can't remember my first name, i just know that sunny was a nickname that literally everyone used so it became a substitute for my actual name

mari and i were filipino-chinese (+american), kel and hero were south american, Aubrey was filipino-american, basil was just north american. faraway town had a lot of poc

『 🎀 』

a name/prn/title/label i hoard

I'm super drawn to anything related to stories :P

『 💊 』

5 min edit of a random character

yk uur talented when uur 5 minute edits still look good as hell /J

i love the "unmotivated" frame sm i wanna use it in an actual edit someday....

"angel stop editing NSO" NO!!

『 💌 』

a quote/song lyric

" i have nothing to complain about. i may not be perfect to you, but I'm plenty good enough to myself. "

" ... now i understand. i wanted everyone to love me. i sought for so much. to know everything when i had everything. but i never tried to find out what i truly wanted... and i can't have it anymore. ah, i could have turned back any time, but now it's all gone because of me ! "

dialogue from the houseki no kuni/land of the lustrous manga. can't remember which chapter but it's near the end. i won't talk about the context much in case i spoil someone but i really really really truly super duper resonate with this dialogue 🙃🙃

『 🫀 』

a game i played

today's game is... va-11 hall-a: cyberpunk bartender action! also known as waifu bartending and the true lesbian experience

time to mix drinks and change lives.

i first learned about it when my friend told me it was the type of game i would like. i looked it up and, wow he wasn't wrong. it really did look like something I'd be into. so when the steam spring sale rolled around a few days or a week ago i bought it!

honestly the title is very direct with what the game is about. you play as Jill, a bartender in va-11 hall-a (referred to simply as Valhalla) in a technologically advanced world and a corrupt city. you serve drinks to your clients, have long conversations with them where stuff about the characters and world is revealed, and tolerate their weirdness. the game is visual novel heavy and focuses a lot on the talking, which is fine with me! i like the combination of lots and lots of dialogue and casual gameplay where uu still kind of need to use uur brain

there's a lot of cute girls in the game (re: waifu bartending and the true lesbian experience)

to the left is Dorothy, a lilim robot (basically an advancedsex robot. her product line in particular is modeled to be on the younger side physically) she's really sweet and bubbly and she has a kind personality. to the right is Dana, Jill's boss. i don't know much about Dana yet but a lot of mystery surrounds her. a lot of characters say she's very strong and there's lots of rumors about how she got her prosthetic arm (a lot of rumors may have been started by her.) also Jill's wallpaper is of herself and Dana together and she apparently has lots of photos of Dana in her gallery. i hope i can see them get together

i find the GUI very satisfying. there's also a home segment where uu sit at home with Jill's cat, fore, and browse Jill's phone. uu can also buy stuff. Jill gets distracted very easily so sometimes uu have to buy things from the online store so Jill would be less distracted at work (SO REAL she's the most accurate representation of ADHD lesbians ever)

since it takes place in a cyberpunk setting there's some political shit going on, the city they live in is a really Bad city with lots of crime and injustice, and the organization "white knights" (basically the cops but stronger and more organized) are known to be power hungry and use their power unfairly for the wrong reasons. also the prime minister seems a bit incompetent? there's also something about a hacker called Alice rabbit... but also at the start of the game, Jill had this weird dream about a girl and occasionally the girl appears on the bar's tv for a split second...... yeah there's a lot going on here

anyways i find the game really fun and i hope to play it more when i have more free time! im still super early in the game . i don't have a singular favorite character yet bc I'm still at the beginning so idk much about them yet and they all look cool to me!!

『 🪽 』

infodump about an oc

OKAY, SO! the oc i will discuss here is connected to nyxa, an oc i discussed here but reading that infodump isn't necessary to understand this one (not like anyone reads these anyway /lh)

remmeber when i said that, as far as nyxa knows she's the only surviving member of her family after they all killed each other?? WELL! that's wrong she's not the only survivor. her older sister survived as well!

this is Amos faust! (or fraust... i spelled her last name differently sometimes) although Amos isn't really her real name, it's just an alias that she always goes by. shes the head of a detective agency! (in my phoebe and nyxa infodump i mention that nyxa becomes a head of a detective agency when she's an adult. she takes over amos' agency)

her backstory is she studied in cloud tower but in her 3rd year she dropped out and disappeared. no one came looking for her because.. no one really knew her, yk? she was quiet, mysterious, she avoided everyone and everyone avoided her. eventually after leaving cloud tower she began a personal investigation where she hunted down a specific person/group that had something to do with her family's demise (like an enemy of the family) and it led her to a detective agency. she concluded that her target was the director. so she entered the agency, climbed the ranks,became trusted and known within the agency, until she had the opportunity to get close enough to the director and kill them. except, she was wrong about her target, so now she had the blood of an innocent person on her hands. out of genuine guilt and regret (and also because she was emotionally attached to this agency and she figured she would have an easier time continuing her investigation within the agency) she pulled some strings and appointed herself as the new director. and she has been the director for the past ██ years.

Amos is a very eccentric person, and those who don't know her well might even regard her as scary. she arrives to strange conclusions, she comes up with strange plans, but somehow her plans always work. most of the time. the people working under her have learned not to question it. she's very skilled at fighting, spywork, reading and using people, etc. it's hard to know if any of her current personality is even true. but sometimes, one can observe that she genuinely cares for the few people who are very close to her, such as her sister nyxa and her assistant. shes also sarcastic, unafraid to speak her mind, really confident in herself and her abilities.

so how do Amos and nyxa meet again?

basically in their 3rd year at alfea, students can sign up as for different part time jobs with agencies that alfea partnered with. there's a wide range of jobs and it's meant to help the students get familiar with the work environment of the career they want to pursue in the future. yk, gain some experience, make connections, get a paycheck, etc. phoebe and nyxa try applying for many jobs but in the end they go with a detective agency. very few students applied for it so they easily get hired after they attend the orientation and pass the test, and also they think it's really cool

when they applied and worked there for a few weeks/months, the director was away on a long business trip so nyxa didn't immediately realize that her fucking sister was in the agency. and idk if she would realize it immediately either. because she hasn't seen her sister in YEARS and i like to think something separated them very early in their lives so they weren't close at all. but Amos would immediately recognize her i think

but yeah. skipping past the specifics of the situation: eventually nyxa learns the truth, she's no longer alone, she still has surviving family etc. nyxa and Amos try to rebuild a familial bond again but it's awkward bc its like.... honestly at this point in their lives they're like strangers to each other. but it's okay they take the time to get to know each other again

i like to imagine nyxa and Phoebe going on missions together with Amos as their chaperone/guardian/protector/guide ^_^

anyway yeah that's all i have to say i think

#🎀﹕ ribbon anon 𝜗𝜚 ︵#🎮﹕ press start 𝜗𝜚 ︵

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tiny-tigers · 5 months

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✨ Omg belgian chalamet noooo - somehow even worse because his baby face makes him look even younger than 24?! 😳

Instead of thinking about Dec as a 'jacky thing' maybe make it a friendship/English thing - you'll be back here with your girls! You can explore Leicester a bit more, get some cute xmas decs, I'm sure there will be xmas markets of some kind by then! ❄️🎁🎄🍷

New projects are good! I think making one of those projects a fitness goal would help your mental health so much! It's done wonders for me! I personally like lifting weights and I'm slowly getting back into my running - but a friend of mine recently recommended a YouTuber called 'grow with jo' who does these free aerobics videos lasting anywhere from 15-75 mins long and omg they are addictive! She is an actual angel and I am hooked - they get you properly sweating but don't actually kill you? 😆

I'd start doing 3-4 of those a week - all completely free - and you will feel the difference in no time! 💖

It is true that 'this too shall pass' covers both sadness and happiness, but instead of dwelling on the happiness ending, just focus on how good it is when you have it, and how it will always come back around again.

[I apologise if anything I say doesn't help or resonate - but I am quite happy by nature so I don't find myself dwelling on the bad times too much because I know they're only fleeting]

What am I scared of? Well I'm a massive over thinker and have talked myself out of so many things over the years - I've also been a bit of a perfectionist my whole life so have been reluctant to start things as I know I wouldn't be great at it straight away and that bothers me - which is ridiculous I know. But I'm working on both! Going to start throwing myself into things even if I'm scared or worried about not getting it right first time...!

I can still totally seeing you living in the UK one day, even if its not right now! Maybe look into museum/gallery/archive work in London anyway? Until then I would maybe focus on what you're already good at! Your drawing for example - have you ever thought about setting up a separate insta page for your art? People get massive followings from that now and go on to sell copies of their work on Etsy etc.? And if you don't fancy that then you could set up a 'sporting' YouTube account - I've seen your edits, they're really very good. You could earn ad revenue from that?? [you'd have to maybe make videos of players/teams you're not in love with but you could do that! 😜]

Whatever it is you end up doing - it needs to be for YOU! No plans with Jacky in the back of your mind. Do what is best for Amelie. The second you start prioritising yourself and focusing only on you, doors will magically open up for you.

💖💖💖 sending so much love 💖💖💖

*2024 is YOUR year*

P.S apologies for the length of this 👀 and for going all therapist on your ass 😆😭🙈

Speaking of which, I need your advice because in 2 weeks I'm invited to my ex-job christmas party (sounds weird). He will be there and idk if I should go.... It feels awkward on so many levels, I loved them and maybe it will be seen badly not to got and less connexions for future works but???? Idk I'm lost

very much aware he shouldn't be my priority and yet again I'm planning on watching 31 match...

We should do some missions and challenges when I'm abroad if you are ok to give me some ideas

like idk eat something new , talk to one stranger... Those kinds of challenges to make this trip more unusual without any plans but only surprises so no deceptions.

___

ah well forget it now I guess.....

and I cannot live in England without visa and they are impossible to get.

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666-777-888 · 6 months

Text

❥ ... 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒖𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒆𝒍 ✶

"... Oh, I was captivated by her irises,"

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ❦

In the heart of Melbourne, where the city's pulse quickened with every passing tram, there was a girl like no other. Born on a crisp 30th of November morning in 1997, she was destined for greatness. But this was no ordinary destiny; it was a tale woven with threads of sophistication and a dash of audacious charm.

Meet her, the "Human Chanel." She was a vision in every sense, her grace and allure akin to a fashion icon. Her wardrobe resembled an art gallery, each piece a masterpiece, and every ensemble a story in itself. Isabella had an insatiable penchant for Chanel, as if her veins coursed with the essence of Coco herself. Her closet, a treasure trove of luxury, spoke volumes about her taste. The clinking of pearls and the rustling of silk were her lullabies. Meet her, Chanel Montgomery Beausejour.

Was born in the famous Beausejour family in Melbourne, Gregory Beausejour & Anne-Marie Bass treat Chanel like the finest diamond since she is the only child of the family. She was allowed to enter any kind of school that she wanted, but ended up she choosing Fashion Design as her major and graduated from Institut Français de la Mode in Paris. She attended Huntingtower School during her high school period and met a lot of friends who became her best companions.

During her highschool day in the sunny afternoon, Chanel sauntered down Collins Street, the epitome of elegance. As she passed the luxurious store, a group of her friends, led by her closest confidante, Jake chimed in, "You truly are the 'Human Chanel.' But don't you ever get tired of the brand?"

She laughed, her laughter as melodious as a city pop tune. "Tired of Chanel? That's like asking if one can ever tire of the stars in the night sky. Chanel is my constellation, my guiding light. Chanel is me, duh?"

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ❦

People were drawn to Chanel's magnetic aura, much like the way the city lights beckon the wanderers on the streets of Melbourne. She had a way of turning synecdoche into symphonies, taking small moments and making them resonate in the hearts of those fortunate enough to be in her presence.

But she was more than just a walking, talking fashion statement. Beneath the lavish suits and the designer shades, she was an intellect with an insatiable curiosity. She devoured books like a starving artist savors the colors of a painting, each page a feast for her mind.

With her positivity and clear vision, people might consider her as the modern-day Fitzgerald character; filled with a fiery passion, endless dreams, and a tiny dash of sassiness in every step he takes. She also would to pursue her career as an assistant fashion designer in Elle Magazine.

Her life was a symphony of style, intellect, and a hint of audacity. In a city that thrived on diversity, she stood out like a rare gem, a modern-day embodiment of a Gatsby-esque elegance. Melbourne, with all its grandeur, had found its queen, and she went by the name Chanel, the "Human Chanel."

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ❦

Profile

•Name: Chanel Montgomery Beausejour

• Birthday & Place: Melbourne, Australia, November 30th 1997

• Blood Type: B+

• Height: 168cm

• Weight: 55kg

• Nationality: Australian

• Siblings: —

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ❦

Footnote by Velveted-Nymph.

Velveted-Nymph has decided to use Ruby Jane as her muse to channel her thoughts through words. Ruby Jane herself was born in Seoul on January the 16th, 1996.

It is prohibited to steal any assets from Velveted-Nymph since both Chanel and this blog were never made as a free source for everyone. We should respect each other's art instead of stealing it, aren't we? Though this is just a mere writing, but me, myself, consider this as my work of art.

I must clearly declare that anything that Anastasia does have no affiliation with BLACKPINK, YG Entertainment, Chanel, or any other significant parties and made zero profit nor ever monetizing any action, be it in the past, present time, or even later in the future.

With love,

Velveted-Nymph.

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dzpenumbra · 9 months

Text

7/31/23

I'm taking a break from work on the grip tape to eat some more of my dinner and write this. I figure... why not play around with times a bit. It's already midnight, the night got away from me again. But it's just been non-stop doing shit all day.

I woke up after 2 hours and I was very disturbed. I had very vivid dreams but I did not journal them. I'm not entirely sure why. I've been in the habit of... if a dream is good, write it down; if a dream is bad... make yourself write it down. And this one... I guess it just kinda felt... annoying? Or like... "good lord, just let it go." Or something. I don't know, again, because I don't remember any of the details, but I remember it being vivid and that my emotion coming out of it was upset and frustrated and uncomfortable.

I struggled to get back to sleep. This resulted in my mind again swirling around the whirlpool of my legitimacy and future as an artist. Funny how all of these "friends" and "supporters" only seem to elicit this reaction. Funny how that reaction isn't... HOPE... or CONFIDENCE. Funny, that. Kinda like they're not really friends or supporters at all, right?

I'm really learning a lot of things the hard way right now. Primarily... how hard it can be for me to detect these things in the moment... because I'm just trying to be a fun, pleasant, good person to be around. But what I'm learning is...

If someone says they love your work and they "want to support you"... then offers to pay you to do something that is tangentially related to your field... and they stand to benefit substantially from this... and they have zero interest in and have made zero effort to even do research on or even ask questions about what you actually do... It's really goddamn hard to consider them a supporter.

Let me simplify this. If I have to change my goals, interests or passions in life in order to get support... that's not support. That's manipulation.

I will finally say that confidently and stand by it. "I'd be glad to support you if you decided to become a doctor." "You'd be much more successful as a Broadway actor than this livestreaming fad, we'll support you in that, but not if you choose to continue." As though your life goals, interests, passions... your identity... is... negotiable? It is theirs to decide?

I've gotten this from family, obviously. This is likely the most relatable thing if someone is reading this, that's the trope, right? But I've also gotten this from "friends"... and, shockingly and in retrospect super unprofessionally and unethically, from a former therapist and several people who were in positions to be assisting with my career path.

If I am a multimedia fine artist, support me in establishing myself as a multimedia fine artist. Help me figure out how to get into galleries. How to find galleries I would fit in at. Help me meet people who would be interested in what I do. Who would potentially be interested in either buying my pieces, or supporting me through other means. Or, help me heal and develop techniques to effectively and reliably be able to do that myself. Do not, under any circumstances, insinuate that my goals are not achievable and that I should set my sights on something you have in stock.

Adam Duff said something super resonant today that I really want to put out there. It was the exact sentiment I needed to hear, from the exact kind of person I needed to hear it from, at the exact right time. It propelled me into a state of walking through town and the woods beaming with joy at how wonderful life is knowing I have a place, I belong. I'm going to transcribe the quote for you. It's in reference to people wanting to give up in the face of AI art, but I think it's even more relevant in this really fucked up passive cultural war against art as a legitimate career. For context, he's concluding a chess analogy, as if playing a chess game against big tech companies.

"At this point, most people would just say 'ah, screw this, I resign.' And they just give up because... screw it. 'Your opening was too strong.' Right? And... um... what a professional will tell you (while the lawnmower is going on behind me...) is... 'don't quit, don't stop now. If you still have players, if you still have pieces on the board, keep playing. Because even with one pawn, even with one rook, if you know how to play well... you can find that loophole. You can find that backdoor into a checkmate in one. You can do it. The game is not lost until all of your pieces are gone. The game is not lost until your king is trapped, but even when your king is trapped you can still win in a draw. And not lose any points whatsoever.' So... giving up means you're not professional enough yet, a professional never gives up, a professional keeps playing until the last piece falls. And when the last piece falls, do you give up art? NO. You pick up your paintbrushes and that next time around you're going to be more well-informed, you're going to know your opponent better. And you keep playing, and keep playing, and you keep losing until eventually... you win. And that's how you improve."

After about an hour and a half of laying in bed trying to fall asleep again, I found myself ranting out loud to myself about this graphic design bullshit. About how getting me gigs and clients as a graphic designer does not help me with my career, it helps me start a new one. It brings in clientele that are specifically NOT looking for what I primarily do, who are fundamentally unaware of what I do. If I were an artisan baker, they would be customers looking for sushi. Any overlap would be a fluke.

I hear tons of people, a lot of them in positions where they are supposed to be supportive... pressuring me to find something that is... close enough... While, at the same time... not lifting a finger to even research resources that could immediately assist me in making my career financially sustainable.

I have brought my standards as low as possible. I have given up on my life goal of starting a family. I realized I already had that gift, of parenting two pets, and I loved them with all my heart. Anything else would be an absolute blessing. I have already achieved that goal. And I can happily go to my grave with that. I've come to peace with that. Career-wise, the only thing I have ever cared about is making enough money to make it so that I can continue to do what I do. To gather inspiration and create artifacts. Housing, food, utilities, materials... that's all I need.

Can you feel how upset I am about this? Can you tell how many countless hours I've spent having to justify my purpose on this planet to the very people who brought me into it? To the people in my social web who vowed to assist me in my goals of personal fulfilment, to assist me in becoming an embraced member of society.

You know what I did this morning? I googled my business. I have never done that. I knew for a fact, because it was deliberately designed this way by myself, that I will be the only accurate thing that shows up on Google. Check this out. My art business alias and username? It's a nonsense word. It's not a real word or name. Even this alias has a real word in it - penumbra. My art alias, it's a fake name that me and my bandmate came up with when we used to hang out and "make dudes" in the character creator in Tiger Woods Pro Tour 08 back in college. That nonsense name... is very non-threatening, it has no hard plosives, the best way I can describe it is "no sharp edges". It sounds warm and fun and kinda goofy. And, here's the business side... ready? IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT SHOWS UP ON GOOGLE IF YOU SEARCH FOR ME. Anything else is the algorithm assuming you made a typo. So... if you do an image search, you get a fucking GALLERY of my art. If you do a video search, the top result is The Path. If you just do a normal search, you get ALL of my socials... oddly not Twitch, though...

You know what that told me? All the years of my mom and others coming after me acting like I'm not trying hard enough to get peoples' attention? Like I wasn't doing a good job putting myself out there. These self-absorbed, careless, loveless narcissists have never even fucking GOOGLED my business. Nor have they told a soul about it. They don't know me by my alias, they know me as my birth name, with the subtitle (Failed Artist Who Won't Give Up) F.A.W.W.G.U. hehehe Fawwg U, too.

I can't fathom how many souls like me... with potential to legitimately change lives with the insight and talent they have... were snuffed out before they ever had a chance to ignite... because of bitter, jealous, self-absorbed people who claimed to know what's best for them. It makes me fucking sick. It makes me not want to live in this culture. Despite knowing... it's likely been going on for centuries, if not millennia.

So, I looked up local galleries near me. There are... I think 6-8? Some are just... personal galleries that are advertising themselves as such, so... not really options. I really... I feel so fucking overwhelmed when I even crack the lid on the process of getting into a gallery. I genuinely, honestly, feel like the best chance I have... is having a go-between.

I think I have one, possibly two. I have my former drawing teacher - who, awkwardly... has seen me naked... when I modeled for her drawing class the summer after my graduation. She was teaching Art Therapy when I was in college (13-14 years ago), I'm pretty sure she's still teaching at a nearby college. Google told me that she worked with a Buddhist temple in the past. Apparently her husband is tied into that too. I thought it was... possibly perfect. There wasn't a ton of info online, or any contact that I could find but I will try again. But I'm pretty sure she lives in the same city as me right now. I don't know if she remembers me... I took Drawing 1-4 with her, despite Drawing not being an eligible degree focus. So... I had to learn how to paint and take Painting 1-4 too... XD Not kidding. But she was my Drawing teacher. And she was renown for being a hard-ass, but I never really found her to be like that. It felt more like a proto-meme, before memes were really a big thing.

The other is my former Advisor and Head of the Art Department at my old college... who might be able to connect me with the Drawing teacher, too. Again, I don't know if she remembers me... but I was one of the only people who hugged her at her boyfriend's (one of my mentors) funerary ceremony at the college right after he suddenly and unexpectedly died of an aneurism. I'm pretty sure she still works at the same college I graduated from.

That's all I've got. My ex-girlfriend who I was head-over-heels in love with has worked in galleries for years... but... it's really fucking complicated there. And I sent her one of those letters that I cringe at during the Summer of '19, my Metamorphic Summer.

That's all I can think of. So... I had a lot of clarity on that today. And I see steps I can take. I guarantee if these people remember me fondly... they would be able to help advocate and introduce me to people. Like... immediately. They will know people. I'm just... I'm scared. I'm legitimately scared of reaching out. Why?

Because of my Metamorphic Summer. Because of the deep shame I feel. And more than that, deeper than that, at a brain-stem level that makes me sorta freeze in place like a deer in headlights? The trauma that I suffered as a result of that. "You can't just pour your heart out to people like that, you're going to upset them. It's not fair to them." And the ensuing punishments for having done so... as though they were a threat to my family, or something... It's hard to even talk about and expect people to believe it happened. It was one of those moments where you're in the moment and it feels like you're in an episode of The Twilight Zone... Like that reality show they used to have.... SCARE TACTICS! That's what it was! "Are you scared? Good. You should be... because you're on Scare Tactics!" It legit felt like that. I'm fucking there in my memory right now. And I was just like... waiting for the cameras to come out or something, like... oop this is a prank! Nope. Just a living nightmare.

So... are the chances very high that my former teachers will respond poorly? Unlikely. A big thing that keeps popping into my head, though? I'm such a different person than I was back then. I used to be a lot more bullheaded about like... doing shit my way. Kinda anti-authority, just doing whatever I want and fuck your rules kinda shit. Not in an anti-social way... but a very crude, unrefined form of individualism. "I have an idea and I'm going to do that for the assignment, and it really doesn't matter what the assignment is because this is just what I want to make." Just kinda in my own little world. But considering I didn't fail any classes... I'm assuming they were very understanding that... that trait can be an "artist thing".

So yeah, I'm kinda just... one - hoping they remember me at all, and two - hoping they remember me positively. Well, hoping they don't remember me negatively. And I can just try to reconnect, explain my position in life and ask if we can just have a chat sometime and talk about life and the business and what to do. Because I'm fucking all-in, bud. The hell I've been through? The losses I've incurred? The flagrant abuse and disrespect I've suffered? I'm not throwing in the towel and being some art jockey for people to get their company logos done for after all that. No offense to those that find gratification and pride in that kind of work, I honestly do respect it and see many extremely talented artists and craftspeople who do that. I just know that even my greatest success in graphic design (winning a contest for a client bid in college against at least 15 other submissions) was... not only not enjoyable or something I was proud of... it was stressful and tedious at every step. And I have seen copies of that work laying in the bottom of drawers soaked in mysterious muck, and I felt absolutely nothing. Because it wasn't mine, it wasn't my idea, it wasn't my inspiration. It was just my hand being guided by a committee. What I do is something very different from that. It is not empirically good or bad on either side, graphic design as a work form is simply subjectively bad for me.

And I'm only doing this work as a favor for a former friend. For, at a certain time in life, treating me like family when no one else did. I will go outside of my comfort zone and profession to do a special gig for him, and he can brag to his friends and show off his one-of-a-kind logo that no one else will get, from a fine artist that doesn't even do graphic design. Like getting a tattoo from Picasso.

Can you see how revved up my mind has been? Ever since 8AM. Wait... I got to bed when it was still kinda dark out so... I got more sleep than I thought. No, actually it was already getting light out, I remember now, probably around 5. Anyway. I ended up adding a project to my work project list. That list, by the way, is 17 items long now. Yep. I have 17 open projects right now. The grip tape and the necklaces and the skull are three. There are 14 more just waiting for me.

This piece, I am tentatively calling "Duality". The concept is revolving around a discussion my therapist and I had about how two people can look at the same situation and see it completely different. How I can be sitting right next to someone and be experiencing an end-of-the-world panic attack... and the other person is just watching the same movie, oblivious. And we're both in the same situation, looking at the same stimulus. And the inspiration I got on this was very quick and vivid. It was a painting - ideally the final product would be hand-painted, of course, but digital for prototyping. The painting is essentially... two paintings in one, overlaid or screened on top of each other. It's the same image, but... when wearing glasses with red lenses, you see the painting in one way... when you wear glasses with blue lenses, it looks similar but distinctly different. Different in the sense of... narrative, context. The actual details of the piece itself, its content? No clue. Doesn't really matter, to be frank. And the cool part? Once I get this process down and get comfortable with it? I can do it with all different types of colors. It has a lot of potential. And it makes a profound statement about psychology and relationships and subjective reality and shit. And I can get previews on what the image is going to look like through the lenses either by... getting lenses and painting while wearing them... or by doing an image in Krita or something and just... throwing a color filter over it and painting the mockup that way.

I'd love to get started with this, but... it's #10 in my queue. XD I swear to god, I have so many golden ideas right now and motherfuckers want me to make a fucking t-shirt logo for a house painting company or some shit. What a fucking waste of resources. That is a waste of fucking resources. That is poor resource allocation, which is a social failing. Not a failing of my own. I did not do something wrong and deserve to do work in a different field that I don't like and am not trained to do. I did not fail as an artist and now... I have to resort to doing work outside my field just to keep the lights on. I have had my social support network gravely fail me, due to them only having an interest in themselves. They have failed me on a personal and professional level, which happen to be deeply intertwined in this career. And I refuse to allow myself to be gaslit into believing that it is my fault, and I am not good enough, and I should be just taking scraps and handouts (that conveniently greatly benefit the "offerors") because why the fuck would I ever get more than that?

I am trained in art. I think in art. I live in art. And I will work in art. Oh and here's the last fucking rant because I still have painting I wanted to do tonight.

If I have to do a side gig... why can't I do tarot readings? Why can't I work a counter at a tattoo shop, or at a cool eclectic antique shop, or a weird oddity store or working for a museum or a historical society or a rock/mineral shop or a dispensary or something? Why the fuck does it have to be designing logos for companies? Why does it have to be designing websites for companies? Just sayin. I'd MUCH rather work at a rock climbing center than design their logo. And honestly, I'd probably get paid more in the end...

Leonardo Da Vinci would have probably been exceptional at cleaning toilets.

I'm just gonna leave that one out for you guys to think about.

If we are truly in such desperate times that I don't have choice in what side job I work? Then I'm going to prepare to flee the country. Full stop. I haven't signed my lease renewal yet, so the option is still open.

All this said, I got a nap in after my tirade and work list update. I painted more, I listened to the conclusion of the senate hearings on AI art. Then I did yoga, showered and went for a walk. There were a ton of slugs on the trail (because it rained yesterday), and I really struggled not to step on any. I did my very best, while simultaneously getting eaten alive by mosquitos. I feel so clumsy walking in the woods with shoes on. It was still good to be in nature. And I got to watch the moonrise, which was very beautiful, it stopped me in my tracks. And I was just beaming as I walked through town listening to Che Aimee Dorval's new album, which I like a lot. It's a nice change of pace from what I normally listen to.

I'm gonna go wind down a bit before bed. I kinda need it. I'd like to get at least one more petal on the mandala done. I have 5 full petals and 4 tiny fragments of the biggest pedals left to go. It's almost done!!!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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traumacatholic · 3 years

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Do you know if there are patron saints for the following:

•Those struggling with addiction to masturbation and/or erotica

•Prople who experience same sex attractions

•People persecuted by their work

•Case managers/unlicensed or non-clinical healthcare workers

•Left-handed people

•Lukewarm Catholics

Saint Mary of Egypt: Chastity (warfare against the flesh; deliverance from carnal passions)

Saint Augustine: Not a specific patronage per say but from Confessions he talked about his own struggle with lust. "“…the mists of passion steamed up out of the puddly concupiscence of the flesh, and the hot imagination of puberty, so clouded over and obscured my heart that I was unable to distinguish the pure light of true love from the murk of lust. Both boiled confusedly within me, and dragged my unstable youth down over the cliffs of unchaste desires and plunged me into a gulf of infamy.”"

St John the Much-Suffering/ St John the Long-Suffering: I can't find much about him, but some sites quote his struggle with carnal passions:

"‘When I came to the Holy Cave Monastery and began to struggle, I suffered much, overcome by lust for fornication; and I do not know what I did not endure for the sake of my salvation. I often ate nothing for two or three days or, sometimes, for a whole week. I did not quench my thirst but kept vigil for the entire night. I continued restless for three long years. Then, I went into a cave, where our holy father Anthony reposes, and spent a night and a day in prayer near the grave. At length, I heard the saint’s voice ‘John, John! You must shut yourself up in the cave so that you can occupy yourself with warfare through isolation and silence, and the Lord will help you by prayers of His saints.’ After that, I entered into reclusion in this narrow and sorrowful place and remained here for thirty years. Only recently, I did acquire peace."

For further reading; https://catholicinrecovery.com/seven-patron-saints-to-help-you-overcome-porn-and-sexual-addiction/

As for Saints of Same Sex Attraction, this can be considered in two ways. Those who struggled with SSA and those who's stories and experiences resonate with people who experience SSA. I know a lot of LGBT Catholics who have strong connections to Saints such as Saint Sebastian or Saint Joan of Arc. This article talks about these two connotations with Saints across denominations (ergo is from a more LGBT perspective than a Catholic one): https://www.advocate.com/religion/2017/6/02/30-lgbt-saints#media-gallery-media-1

For some people, any Saint that is patronage for chastity could be a likely candidate for how they relate to the Saints as someone who's SSA: (e.g. see above) and also https://catholicsaintmedals.com/patronage/patron-of-chastity/

There are Patron Saints of particular professions including those suffering from persecution. (I'm going to combine this one with the healthcare one)

Further reading:

https://www.kalibrr.com/advice/2016/03/5-patron-saints-of-work-and-modern-situations

https://medium.com/@CatholicTV/struggling-at-work-pray-for-the-intercession-of-these-3-saints-c567a9a70071

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_patron_saints_by_occupation_and_activity

https://www.healthcareministry.org/the-saints-of-health-care/

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/the-saints-linked-with-diseases-cures-and-doctors-1.4197437

https://catholicmedicalassociation.org.uk/resources/saints-in-healthcare/

If there's a particular job in mind, you could just ask for the intercession of those who are Patrons of that role. Saints don't need to be especially linked to a job or an experience in order to provide intercessory prayers. Indeed, you can ask any Saint for help and they will provide it.

Now, admittedly you almost had me on this one and I was unfortunately going to have to rule out that left handed people could enter the Kingdom of God. BUT,

A Miracle Book of Saint Þorlákr before 1224 (Elliot and Whaley)

In Papisfjordr in the East-fjords there was a poor woman whose fingers were disabled: they were clenched into the palm of her right hand. She had two young children to look after. They were playing outside under the wall of the house, when a great driftwood beam fell off the wall onto the children and they were both killed. And when the children were found lifeless, she came under suspicion that something of her causing must have happened. But she denied this and wept so that she was almost flooded with tears, and she put forward all the pleas of innocence which Abbot Jόn (Jόn Ljόtsson, Abbot of Ver, 1197-1224) thought were appropriate to her case. And when Abbot Jόn came into the district, she took the course of swearing an oath, the most rigorous which could be dictated to her (a Fifth [High] Court Oath), and she laid her hand on the casket which contained the hair of the blessed Bishop Þorlákr. And when the oath was complete, she lifted her hand, and the fingers which had been clenched were straight. And all who were present praised almighy God and the blessed bishop Þorlákr.

This story of him helping a left handed woman accused of witchcraft/murder should hopefully resonate with the left handed amongst us :^)

A lot of Saints actually do openly talk about feeling the silence of God or struggling in their faith:

https://owlcation.com/humanities/Patron-Saints-for-the-Doubtful

https://beyondthesestonewalls.com/blog/gordon-macrae/patron-saints-struggling-souls

https://www.shared.com/patron-saints-to-pray-tough/

https://www.catholiccompany.com/magazine/four-patron-saints-of-impossible-causes-5915

#I am like 100% sure this was a joke ask #but I know someone said they were looking into confirmation Saints #I'm going to count this as me having provided Saints for each of these asks

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artthatremindsmeofhannibalnbc · 4 years

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Hello, I just wanted to say I adore this blog so much. I really love the pieces displayed here, they fill me with this weird, unexplained feeling of despair, but in a good way? Anyway, I wanna find more art like this but I don't know how. Are there any good resources to find these types of disturbing paintings and sculptures?

I’m so glad you’re enjoying this blog! A lot of times I can’t justify how a piece I’m posting is in any way relevant to the show, so it’s always wonderful to hear that what’s on here is resonating with other fans.

I think I get what you mean! What you said reminds me of that quote, “Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." (Cesar A. Cruz, a Mexican poet and human rights activist.) I wish I had a few good art blogs I could recommend you that post this kind of work, but unfortunately the ones I used to be familiar with are now defunct. What I can tell you is how I find and track down the works I post here.

And mainly, that’s by browsing. At the risk of sounding old, search engines and search functions on most sites don’t work the way I expect them to any more. Searching for things like “macabre art” or “grotesque art” and so on has been mostly useless for me. I mostly use Pinterest. (I have a Hannibal board there that has a show aesthetic section, which was kind of the starting point for this blog.) Pages for individual pins are full of suggested images Pinterest thinks are related, and once a board is populated with pins, the “more ideas” section can become more relevant.

The thing is I can’t whole-heartedly endorse Pinterest as a tool. It is notoriously bad in terms of reposting artists’ work, and with good reason. A lot of what’s on there has no source or attribution of any kind, and sometimes attributions that are misleading or just entirely incorrect. Many creators actively try to keep their work off of Pinterest, and I don’t blame them.

With that caveat, keeping a board of the kind of art you like can lead you to similar art. (I have a lot more to say about using Pinterest as a tool and about its politics, but I’m trying to keep this short.)

Another thing I can recommend is looking up some of the artists you like from this blog and tracking down what group exhibitions they’ve been in, what galleries have, exhibited them, and what galleries represent them. Many galleries represent artists that work with similar imagery and themes. Even those that don’t will still have themed exhibitions. One that I’ve pulled a lot of artists from recently is Beinart Gallery.

Similarly, blogs that post all kinds of art -- Colossal is a current favorite of mine -- will sometimes post art like this, and browsing the tags that they use when they do can lead to some exciting finds.

Another good resource is artsy.net. They mostly sell art and are set up for people who want to buy, so galleries are mostly / only populated by art that’s available to sell, but their “related artists” function is better than most sites with that kind of feature and it can be a great starting place.

Whelp, I’ve utterly failed at keeping this short. I hope some of this was helpful! Browsing is time-consuming and doesn’t always yield relevant results, but it’s how I do things.

Do any followers have suggestions for blogs or resources for finding this kind of art?

#questions about the blog #finding art #resources #Anonymous #yay an ask!

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annieheatherw · 3 years

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The Multi- Verse: Evaluation

Some artists that I feel contributed greatly to my work’s final outcome were:

Tom Philips- A Humument

Tom Philips was one of the leading artists in my ideas for the illustrated books, and I think I did a good job on taking only inspiration from his pieces, and while you can see the links to his style, I feel like I have taken it very much in my own direction. This can be seen especially in my book of ‘The Yellow Wallpaper’.

Peter Bankov

While he may have only inspired me for a few of my postcard designs, I feel that he is one that can really be seen in my digital work- especially in my first two photoshops. I think that I was inspired by the way that he isolated images (like eyes) and I took that theme and ran with it.

The Tomato Project

While this is still only in the realm of the digital work I did, I still feel that their style can be seen in my photoshop work, as I mimic the layering of the text, and the bright colours that correlates with them.

To sum up the concepts of my work, all that really needs to be said is that it mostly came from the book that the project was based on: The Yellow Wallpaper. The imagery in the book is just so vivid to me that it is not hard to create the vague picture in my head onto paper. I think that this can be seen from the very first creation of mine, massive piece of work where I just wanted to create what I saw myself in the paper. This is a good point- the way that I work now has changed immensely because since I was working from words and not from pictures I had to just get drawing and creating rather than stressing about if something was perfect. The way that I had to work during this project was a massive jump from the usual and I had to have faith in my ability to draw and work with abstract ideas rather than my ability to realistically paint from a picture, which is something that I will likely carry through my art infinitely.

I have always been a practical person rather than someone who has to be detail oriented, so if I get an idea for a piece I have to do it right away, and so there weren’t any decisions to be made in that respect- if I start down the path of thinking about something and trying to make a decision, I would never get anything done because making choices is always a struggle for me.

A lot of the time I had to work with wallpaper, which wasn’t the best to draw on with fine liner as it just slipped off, so when I used it for the second time in the book I had to use biro, even though there is a purple tinge, so I could create a little more of the depth that I wanted. Furthermore, I think that the biggest process I learnt or had to cope with was the photoshop tasks and digital manipulation. I experimented with layering and physically collaging to digitally collaging, and I enjoyed it because it was a departure to what I usually try out. I have learnt that I am better than I expected (so not to doubt myself as much), and I now have a love for scanning images onto a computer- which I’m sure will continue on my blog.

On Thursdays, we worked on a lot o experimental techniques that were outside of our comfort zones, and I learnt quite a bit about how it is best for me to work- i.e. trying not to get stressed about decision making and just getting on with it- and how I can do the task but add my own twists, as seen in the Asemic writing task, where I chose not to include colour, and adding tone where I wasn’t necessarily told to.

A piece of off site work that I think resonates with me the most is the book I created, or the similar style piece that was on a larger wallpaper piece. The reason for this is because it might not be technically brilliant, but it is really the first time that I’ve created characters in my head and transferred them onto a page in terms of a greater idea, where it has worked successfully. This chain of outcomes made me realise the small ideas that I come up with can be transferred and made physical, even there are no reference pictures or similar work that I’ve seen.

A piece of work that I have done in college that I feel is most impactful is the first digital postcard that I did, where I was trialing something that I never thought I would go anywhere near, and yet I was really happy with the end result. It really gave me the confidence to go further with my digital manipulation.

In my head, I would love my style of work to be published in a ‘children’s book gone wrong’ format. I would love it to be a book bought by the masses, in a futuristic Black Mirror episode type situation, where for instance the book actually comes alive and takes over or something, who knows. I also loved the Asemic writing, where we were trying to communicate to the future communities, and I think it would be really cool to have that work in a gallery or museum millions of years in the future, where it is actually something that cannot be understood, and is now a historical artifact.

10 words to describe my postcards:

Intense

Graphic

Vibrant

Busy

Haunting

Dynamic

Mysterious

Dark

Loud

Trippy

Soundtrack:

Virile- Moses Sumney

Rank and File

Ordinary Pleasure- Toro y Moi

Minors- Toro y Moi

Fireworks- Animal Collective

My Work Space (Messy and Cluttered)

Here is presumably where the magic happens, mostly. A lot of my smaller work and blog work is done at this desk, and if I am working larger I will move downstairs to a bigger table or if I don't make it that far I will work on the floor. I bought a cheap piece of material from eBay to use as a tarp over the table to minimise the stress I cause my parents on a regular basis.

An example of my process:

Theme: The Yellow Wallpaper

Research: Pokras Lampas

Development: Screen Print, Asemic Writing

Final Outcome: Digital postcard based on quote ‘sprawling flamboyant pattern committing every artistic sin’.

As I have already mentioned, something that I can do now that I could never do is that I have basic photoshop skills. I can now create simple collages, experiment with text and change colour tones of a picture.

My final outcomes are exemplary of how I have gained confidence in my work, and how I have experimented with all of my different on site work to make cohesive postcards. My initial ideas were to always focus on the patterns of the wallpaper, and to only explore the yellow and the creatures that lived there, but as I developed my collages and understand the book better, I understood that there was more to the story than just the wallpaper- I wanted to embrace the high intensity of her emotions, the complex fragility that she faced as a trapped woman. I think that is ultimately why my postcards ended up being quite dynamic and busy- because I was beginning to understand how frantic she must have felt. I think I did a good job in terms of the fact that now I feel like I am at peace with the book, and that I have done all that I can do with it, for now. I am satisfied with that aspect of the project. However, if I am ever going to do a digital based project again, I hope that I will try to take my time more with the collages, because this time I feel like I didn’t go all the way with them- and they mean so much for your digital work.

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