#I hadn't reread that essay in literal years

[hoverboards-and-dragons]

Spoken like a Promise

Florida’s finger hovered over send, rereading the simple Spanish sentence over and over again. 

He hated feeling like this, he was the chaos state, he threw himself at danger without a second thought, and barely a first thought. He shouldn’t care so much, or feel so messy, or be so scared. 

He stared at the years of text messages he’d sent his father, he had never replied. Florida only got his number from one of Loui’s pa visits. 

Loui’s pa visited him. 

He wasn't jealous, he couldn't be, not when France practically treated him like another son.  

He sent the message and threw his phone down, adding to an essay worth of unread words. Florida could barely write in English, too worried that it would replace Spanish, he couldn’t handle the disappointment if his father finally returned only to find Flordia didn't know their language. 

No matter how much easier reading would make his job or how long it's been since he’d last seen Spain, he didn't trust his dyslexia with the grammar rules of two languages. The memories of learning to read and write the first time grated against him, putting the final nail in the coffin of ever trying again. 

He hated feeling like this. 

He needed company, the quiet made him want to tear his skin off. He considered calling Loui but hesitated.

Loui was his perfect partner in every way, he made him think his ideas through without ever shutting him down but Loui wasn’t safety, he was caution. 

Loui made him think just realistically enough to make sure his plans went off without a hitch or a fatal injury, he brought him down to earth.

The last thing Florida wanted was to see this situation realistically, he wanted to be up in the clouds, untouchable, safe. 

When was the last time he had felt that safe, it had been in the Spanish empire, hadn't it? But that wouldn’t make sense, what about Spain was safe-?

.

.

.

Oh, he knew what it was. 

Florida curled up, pulling his legs against his chest, giving one last look to his phone before snapping away. 

“Oh, for the love of god! What the fuck do you want-?!” California paused his indignation at Florida, once again, teleporting directly into his house with no warning when he saw the other state. 

He was sitting on the floor, facing away from California, his head pressed between his knees. 

“Oh wow uh, you all aight dude?” He tilted his head to the side to try to get a look at his face. 

Florida peaked an eye out before turning his body just enough to make grabby hands. 

“Oh,” California just barely said before sliding off the coach to join Florida on the ground. He scarcely had a chance to open his arms before Florida barrelled into him, wrapping both his arms around California’s back, squeezing his face against his chest.

California rested his arms over Florida’s lower back, his brother could almost hear him mentality scrambling for the correct thing to say. In the meantime he enjoyed the feeling of his gentle breathing. 

He doesn't think the Spanish Empire was ever safety, he left every interaction queasy. 

But then he would turn to the room just down the hall with the door that was always open to him; where his brother would be waiting with open arms, a quip on his tongue about their father’s behavior that almost convinced Florida they were a normal functional family and a gentle hum on his soft voice that would lure him to sleep no matter how worked up he was. 

That was safety. This was safety. 

“This about Spain?” Cal asked quietly. Florida blearily opened eyes he didn't remember closing. “I can’t think of another reason you’d come to me over literally anyone else.” 

Florida nodded after a moment, feeling a hand start carding through his hair. “He still won’t say anything to me, even now, when texting would literally be so quick but nooooooooooo.” 

Cal sighed softly in that way he always does when Florida has expectations for their father. “He always could have sent a letter.” It comes out bitter. 

Flo huffs, “Yeah but that's like, sooo much work, I get it.” 

The bitterness only gets darker. “He had, centuries.” 

Florida doesn’t respond, he knows from experience that no matter how hard he pushes Cal would never outright state exactly what he thinks but he decides against risking it anyway. 

He nuzzles further against him. “Can you sing me something?” 

He snorts, “you want me to rub your back too, little prince?”

“Hey, I’m still older than you,” Florida groans. “And yes, please.” 

One of Cal’s arms keeps a tight grip on Flo while the other begins to trail across his back. He starts humming the tone of an old lubally he would  sing to him as colonies, occasionally slipping into lyrics where he remembered them.

The song evolved into something Florida didn’t recognise as the moment stretched on but it was soft and comfortable so he really couldn't care. 

It wouldn’t take long before the heat of the room became unbearable between the two of them. California’s smell of citrus and salt water reflected his own, with a mix of vanilla and wildfire smoke.  

“Am I a bad big brother?” Flo heard Cal’s voice hitch in his throat as his body stiffened under him. 

Florida felt himself drawn further up, his head tucked under Cal’s chin, their chests pressed firmly together. “No. Never. You’re the best I could have gotten.” 

“I’m, pretty sure this is supposed to be the other way around.” Flo’s grip tightened, his hands tangling in spools of hair spilling across Cal’s back. He wasn’t sure he had ever held his brother in the same way before. 

“You always took the brunt of it, this is the least I could do.” Florida was destructive, hyperactive and had a distaste for all and any authority figures - a textbook problem child.

The fact that California only set things on fire accidentally made him pretty well behaved by comparison. 

“Maybe you would have gotten some of dad’s attention if it wasn’t for me.”

“God please, the last thing I needed was more of Spain’s attention.” A shiver ran through Cal so deeply Florida half thought it was an earthquake. He spoke more quietly. “I’m not sure what I would have done without you, what he would have done if we were alone for all that time.” 

A question pushed itself to the front of Florida’s mouth. 

California refused to talk about what happened in the years after Florida left the empire for the union; All he knew was by the time Cal became a US territory he had stopped calling Spain his father, had a desperate need for independence and was somehow even more protective over Florida. 

He swallowed it back, he was sure if he could handle the answer right now if his brother actually told him this time

“He loved us.” He said instead, it came out far away and distant. “I remember, even if he doesn't anymore. I bet he could again.” 

California didn't respond.

“He chose to take us in.” Florida continued. “That has to mean something.”

“Colonies were a useful form of power consolidation. Participating was necessary to keep pace with the other European empires.” He had taken on that annoying condescending monotone voice that made Florida blood boil. 

“He didn't have to adopt us, he didn't have to raise us. Britain never treated his colonies like children, at least not the OG 13.” Cal just dismissively sighed. A growl bubbles in Flo's throat before he keeps rambling. “We could have been anything else to him-”

Cal went still, so still that Flo pulled back to check his face after making sure his heart was beating.  

He saw foggy eyes that threatened tears, “yeah… yeah, you’re right, we could have- he could have- Anything.” California was barely talking to Florida anymore. 

“Cali?” Flo had gotten lost again - he was doing so good this time. Why was Cal’s voice so breathy, why was he so scared, like ‘anything’ meant something else, something more. “You know something I don’t again.” 

He looked back at him, blinking his eyes clear. “Right, sorry dude.” He takes a deep breath. He gave a weak smile after a moment before going in for one last tight squeeze. “We’re okay now, that’s what matters. It's only going to keep getting better.” 

He speaks it like a promise.

 Flo beamed, that manages to get a proper smile out of Cal. Satisfied, he leans back and lets his brother get up. 

Florida takes the hand Cal extends to him.

--------

the most siblings ever

if y'all wanna speculate on what happened between Spain and Cal i'm all ears, i wanna see your fear of your own imagination

first fic in years be soft with me

#wttt #welcome to the table #wttsh #welcome to the statehouse #ben brainard #wttt california #wttt florida #autistic California #adhd Florida #it makes their communication kinda funky #they are avoiding an argument so hard they have another proxy argument

[djservo]

hiii it’s that time again! september wrap up and october tbr? do you go in for a particular vibe in the autumn/winter 🙇🏽‍♀️

IMO 🫂☕️📖 idk what came over me last month (especially since i was out of town/had nonstop plans for the past 2 weeks) but i got thru a lot more than i thought i would so i'm gonna put it undercut 💆‍♀️

black hole by charles burns

LOVED!! really cool body horror/concept - i really wanna try n incorporate a graphic novel every month bc i've enjoyed myself each time 🃏 u already know that i watched it follows the night of finishing this & it was simply the perfect wine n cheese pairing 🍷🧀

shoplifting from american apparel by tao lin

stupid and soulless LOL i went down the rabbit hole of alt-lit (like Theoretically) awhile ago & i guess this was my first real dip into it & it sucked ass but what else did i expect from a genre chock-full of pretentious pseudo-intellectual assholes from peak blogging era 🙄 IF i'm brave enough to sit thru sterile & self-important ramblings of alt-lit again, i'm sticking solely to women writers only ❌☝️

a carnival of snackery by david sedaris

his entries about identity/politics/the pandemic come off a little out-of-touch in a way i'm sure would put someone off completely if it was their first sedaris, but i was still struck by unexpected tenderness/introspection amongst the occasionally glib and smart ass sections - though admittedly, all of which are what got me to love & become a loyal reader of sedaris in the first place

happy go-lucky by david sedaris

i listened to an audiobook of this bc i'd never done that for his essays before & im so glad i did!! it's such a different & even more fulfilling experience to hear his voice/inflections/impressions and generally with essays/memoirs it feels more intimate, kinda like a friend recounting thoughts n memories to you. i need to revisit past essays, but i have an inkling that he's getting a little softer in age - particularly with how he talks about his partner (hugh) like i literally had to go back in book and reread an essay because i couldn't believe he'd gotten so sappy with no punchline 🥲

crush by richard siken

quintessential tumblr poetry moment... don't know what i could possibly say/add about this as it's already been beaten and gutted to death for years on here, but it definitely holds up beyond the more popular n quoted passages interspersed with like. gifs from supernatural or whatever else LOL

high school by tegan & sara quin

so cleverly done with each chapter alternating between them - for some moments i did wish i could've read the other twin's perspective, but i understand it'd probably be too repetitive. clea duvall is the perfect fit to direct this so i'm excited to see how things translate in the show!

the agony of eros by byung-chul han

i devour any ponderings on eros/desire/love/etc so this + a lover's discourse + symposium + a blunt... yeah

sigh, gone by phuc tran

probably wouldn't have finished this if i hadn't switched to the audiobook like halfway thru. kinda uncompelling and pretentious, maybe bc i didn't know of/necessarily care abt the author enough to justify delving into a memoir. i did love/resonate with the bit about his attempts to relate to immigrant parents, i just wish he'd reflected more on his own assimilation / muddled cultural ties rather than straining to connect everything to classic literature (which is kind of ironic now that i think abt it)

never be alone again by lina abascal

laughable... could've (should've) easily been a vice article or better yet a vice documentary (that way the interviews/references would've actually flowed nicely) but instead there are these clunky kitschy buzzfeed ass 'your bloghouse song according to your zodiac sign XD' chapters in between.... but whatever i had fun & gave it to a coworker who's equally & damnably nostalgic for this era 😐

natural causes by barbara ehrenreich

listened to the audiobook - morbid but necessary food for thought abt the wellness industry, moreso how 'wellness' has become so misconstrued to the point of infiltrating our basic understandings of life & death. healthcare myths we've been brainwashed to believe/never question, examinations of intrusive procedures/"cures" that do more harm than good - a little all-over-the-place, but listening to it made it absorb easier i think

corpus christi by terrence mcnally

learned about this play semi-recently thru a documentary (same name) about a theater putting on this play & the actors' experiences with religion/sexuality, THEN coincidentally came across david sedaris mentioning terrence mcnally in a carnival of snackery which was obvi a sign 📡 beautiful & heartbreaking in the way any/all religion&sexuality intersections hit - would love to see this live

+ 3 more since then but i'll save those for our october round-up (bc this is already so annoyingly long) :-)

i'd like to think i'm more drawn to fiction as the weather gets colder n i want something cozy, but i have a few theory books i really wanna sink my teeth into so we'll see how these last few months go 🤨

at the moment i'm reading the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde by robert louis stevenson & also checked out bath haus by pj vernon and the cabin at the end of the world by paul g tremblay (my sister and i saw barbarian in theaters & they showed this trailer & we were like 'omg let's read this together??' despite both of us not being big readers of horror or caring much about m. night shyamalan movies anymore LOL but i'm excited!) - so i suppose i'm doing a horror thing BUT it's also filipinx american history month so i'd like to incorporate that too! i finished up a jessica hagedorn book on my recent trip back home and i'm gonna try to squeeze in another, but i'll be out of town again the end of this month (🛌💤) so to switch up the tone i think i'm gonna take along global divas: filipino gay men in the diaspora by martin f. manalansan iv 🧳📚

#i feel like i watched a lot of movies this month too & i simply don't know how i made the time!! #this was such a bitch to type out on my phone my God don't let me do that again #asks #c speak #cheesehair #reads

[genderfluidchaos]

My younger sister once asked me to send her an essay I wrote as a kid so she could have it as reference because she was taking the same class that I had to write the essay for. I sent it to her, and she asked if it had gotten messed up when I sent it. I had to explain that no, my writing was really that bad. Nothing was wrong with the format, it was just bad writing.

#writing #writer problems #embarrassing #sister #younger sister #sibling #younger sibling #it was a painful moment #I hadn't reread that essay in literal years #it was just sitting in my computer files #rereading it was painfully cringy #it was barely comprehensible #there's the lesson kids #you will get better #you might not think so #but you are constantly getting better at whatever you practice #looking back on old work might be cringy #but it just goes to show how much you've improved since then #✨voidrambles

[surrealsunday]

okay, here goes... i read ch10 yesterday and then reread some of my favourite moments today and now i'm finally ready to talk about it xgdndhd. so firstly, it's important to note that i usually read through moments of angst as quickly as possible to try and hurry past the pain. there are literally two fics out of the hundreds i've read in my life in which i've gone back to reread the angstiest moments and let them really seep into my bones until i feel weighed down by the gravity of them. those two fics are mood tattoo and punzel and i can honestly say that the angst in this chapter is the most painfully beautiful i have ever read. i think the reason i loved it so much is because it felt so real and honest and even though this is an au version of elu, i feel like this is exactly how things could have worked out had they known each other since childhood. the feelings run so deep for this version of elu and they know each other so well that they've had to build up these ridiculously strong and complex emotional fortresses in order to conceal their true feelings and to preserve their friendship and that in itself is something so beautiful but so crushingly sad. it's perfectly done because obviously lucas feels heartbroken by eliott's rejection and we can all relate on some level to that but eliott has experienced so much pain for so many years, knowing that lucas is his whole world but wholeheartedly believing he will never deserve him, never deserve love and that is just 😭😭😭 this is why, for me, it's the kind of angst that just feels like art or poetry or a beautiful piece of music. it's relatable and understandable and it hurts in a way that listening to your favourite song from your teens hurts, years after you've grown up and all the memories tied to the song are dim and distant but they sting just enough that you can feel it in your chest. i think it would be easy to be angry or frustrated with eliott and even lucas to an extent after this chapter if you hadn't spent the entire fic building the complexity of their feelings towards themselves and each other. do you have any idea how special that is? how rare? it's storytelling at its absolute finest!

i wanna talk for a minute about how i would sell my soul to the devil for a chance to see axel and maxence act the words you've created for elu in this chapter. especially the conversation on the roof after lucas' performance!! can you imagine how powerfully axel would deliver lucas' words in that scene and you just know maxence would absolutely destroy all our hearts with his portrayal of eliott's broken silence!!! i just want to SCREAM because i'm so desperate for an elu spin of film or series written by you and acted by them and i know i'll never get it and that HURTS! 😭😭

anyway i hope this absolute essay made sense gzkdhdhd i'm so sorry to just go on and on and on! i really don't want to be hyperbolic but it's difficult not to sing about how brilliant you are when something you've written has touched me this profoundly and you create it FOR FREE?? whilst working a full time job?? i honestly just feel proud to be your friend and i can't thank you enough for the magic you bring into my life with your stories and your beautiful kind soul 💖

Meg!!! I'm so sorry my response is delayed. I had to check out of all media the past couple of days to survive work 💀 lol. But omg this message made me so happy!!!!

Also your comment about reading/ re-reading angst is so incredible. I love this a lot. I really did want this angst to be almost satisfying to read - cathartic and needed but also heartbreaking in the best kind of way. The authenticity of the moment and the feelings was so very important to me so it seriously fills me with so much happiness to hear you say the feelings felt so raw and real and believable. One of the things I love most when I write is when conversations are just so easy to write and not forced at all. That was 100% the case with the rooftop scene. It just flowed and I think that is because I wrote from a place of emotion vs. needing particular things to happen in the story. But your words about how it is written and the feeling that comes with that are so freaking beautiful they seriously nearly made me cry. Thank you so much. I couldn't even describe the angst that beautifully are you kidding me?! I love!!! Truly, thank you thank you. I can't say that enough. ❤️❤️❤️

And omg... the image of Axel and Maxence actually acting these scenes 😩?! PLEASE! That thought just destroyed me. The emotional depth those two would bring. I WANT!!!

And please never apologize for sending me all your thoughts. I really can't emphasize enough how much they mean and how special your comments are to me 🥺. I really don't have the words (the irony lmao!) to thank you enough. I'm so glad this chapter hit you the way it did and I'm seriously so thankful to have the chance to know that. It makes the writing experience so much more meaningful and incredible. So thank you, my friend 💞.

#Meg tag #Punzel chapter 10 #Punzel fic