#I remember growing up uber poor and my mom and dad would take me to the mall and for some reason I’d always get the Crunchwrap supreme.

[gwyoi]

I think about Taco Bell everyday.

#it’s bad. o don’t even get it that often it’s just like thinking about their shitty quesadillas is so.... they’re soo good. #gwon #they got rid of the toasted cheddar chalupa btw. makes my blood boil... #I remember growing up uber poor and my mom and dad would take me to the mall and for some reason I’d always get the Crunchwrap supreme.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #366

“you can’t take me from me”

If you’re a girl, have you ever had the urge shave your hair? No. Do you live by a forest? Not anymore. :( How old are your parents? Late 50s. What do you prefer: Small cars, hybrids, trucks or SUVs? Uh, I guess normal ones? Like the ones with four doors and not that horribly low to the ground. What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? I've never read a book that was scary to me. Do your parents drink? Dad doesn't anymore, and Mom very rarely does, usually just for special occasions. Does downloading music without paying make you feel guilty? Yes, so idk why I still do it. .-. Do you have any pet fish? Nah. What’s your favorite seafood to eat? I only like shrimp. Does your house have air conditioning? Yes. Name the creepiest horror movie character for you: Ghostface, ever since I was a kid. I was horrified of him, and I still think his design is mega creepy. How many college degrees do you want? I wanted to get at most a Bachelor's (I never saw reason to go higher in the fields I was interested in, except for my brief wildlife biologist aspiration), but now I know I'm not getting any degrees. Do you like animals? I love animals. Have you ever written anything longer than 10 pages? Yes. What do you wear to sleep? Pj pants and a tank top. How many keys do you carry with you? One. Have you ever attended a professional sporting event? Yeah. Sometimes Dad and I would go to hockey games together. I don't really care for sports, hockey included, but it was still something we bonded over since I was normally in the living room on the laptop while he was watching it. Which do you value more, intellect or work ethic? Work ethic. Both are important, but I'd rather have a dedicated, worthy employee versus a lazy one that just happens to have brains. Have you ever been covered in mud? Yes, as a kid. Ever been to a cabin on a mountain? No, but omG I fucking wish. Ever lost your voice? Yes. Do you take your time when making an important decision? I take way too much time because I obsess over doing the right thing. Are you a cautious person? Very. Do you chew gum? Sometimes. What makeup product do you never use? A lot, really. Bronzer is literally never, I haven't touched blush in forever, and the same goes for foundation. Have you ever been offered drugs on the street? No. Have you ever seen a jellyfish? Only at aquariums. Do you ever put bread in your soup? UGH, NO. Bread should NOT be soggy. Do you want some soup? No, I don't even really like soup. Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Yeah, the sensor thing for my wireless mouse. Did anyone ever draw on your face when you were sleeping? I don't believe so; I'd certainly feel it and wake up. Have you ever done that to someone else? Pretty sure no. Is there any TV show you watch religiously? No. Do you like the window seat or aisle seat on an airplane? WINDOW. I hate the aisle seat, mainly because I get dizzy when I can't see outside for some reason? I really don't know how that works, but when I sit at the window and can see what the plane is doing, I don't get dizzy. I also really want to just stare outside as I listen to my iPod. Has anyone ever really insulted you? Yes. Do you ever make banana sandwiches? I have a peanut butter and banana sandwich rarely. What’s your favorite movie soundtrack? Probably Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. Phil went HARD, y'all. Did your parents teach you how to cook/bake when you were growing up? There were rare occasions where I helped cook, but I never really learned. If you could own any three fictional objects from any book/movie/show, what would you choose? (does not have to all be from the same book/movie/show) Ohhh, interesting. I'm going to include games in this, because that's what I'm most informed in. ... And I'm still blanking. OH! Definitely a Dreamvisitor from Wings of Fire, as I think it'd be pretty cool or even useful to see into other's dreams and even communicate. The Obsidian Mirror from the same series would also be pretty cool, but also seems somewhat immoral to me, I guess, to be able to spy on others. I mean it could be useful in some cases, but still. I somehow can't think of a third one, even after expanding my options to games. A lot of game objects are just too specific to their fantasy universe and not helpful in real life. What’s the shortest amount of time you’ve worked somewhere? Not even two hours lmaoooo. Have you ever negotiated a pay raise? No. Have you ever been a victim of identity theft? No. Do you know anyone who’s had their kids taken by Child Protective Services? No. What is your favorite smell/scent? Cinnamon rolls. How long can you run without stopping? I honestly don't think I *could* run without my knees immediately being like "um excuse the fuck out of you" and crumpling. What age do you want to live to? I know this varies from person to person, so I can't say an exact age, but I do. NOT. Want to live to where I'm a liability/require other people to take care of me, like give me a bath and stuff. No. Fuck-ing. Thank you. If you had a time machine, when would you go to? I'd honestly want a glimpse into my future, just to see how I'll be. At the same time though, I feel like knowing would suck if I saw something bad instead of a good life. Like, I'd possibly be suicidal again if it's just crap. I feel like if I was legitimately offered this, I would say no. Have you ever been infatuated with someone and you didn’t even know why? No. I think. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Is your more photogenic side your left or right? Well, because of how my hair is positioned, my left side. My hair is parted very far to the left, so the right side of my face is sorta cut diagonally by hair. Do you currently owe money to anyone? No. If you were ever to be on the news, what would you want it to be for? Something heroic, I guess. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven? Accidentally, probably up to like 80 on the highway. Have you ever donated blood? Have you ever done a blood test? I have to both. Have you been inside of a burning building? What happened? Z O I N K S no. Do you believe in astrology/horoscopes? Nope. Have you ever dined alone at a restaurant? No. Have you been in a car accident? What happened? Yes. Some idiot was carrying wood in the back of his truck, and it wasn't secured whatsoever. He hit a bumpy spot, and some of the wood dropped to the road, and he began to swerve out of control. Nailed the side and bumper of my mom's car. Mom drove into a ditch, but in some manner to avoid us flipping over, which judging from the impact point, cops theorized was "supposed" to happen. Nowadays I am terrified to ride or drive behind trucks carrying anything in the back. Have you ever lived alone? No. Have you ever been stung by a bee? Once, on my leg. Have you ever bought stuff at a thrift store? Yeah, I love thrift shops. What was your very first email address? The one I still use now, so I won't share it. It fits me well, but I still hate sharing it, haha. It's just not very "adult-ish." How often do you take naps? Just about every day. Have you ever won a game of pool? Idr. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? NOOOOOOOOOOO. Have you been in a long-distance relationship? Yes. Have you swam in the ocean? Yeah, I love it. Have you gone ziplining? No, but it'd be cool! Have you been rock climbing? No, just those mock walls at school field days and stuff. Have you hitchhiked? No. Have you had stitches? Where? My chin and then at the very base of my spine. Have you ridden in a taxi? What about an Uber/Lyft? None of those. Have you ridden on a horse? Not legit, but at childhood festivals where there are some horses that walk in a circle... the poor things. I would LOVE to ride a non-restrained, tame horse. Ugh, I wish I could have a horse in general. Their ability to bond with humans is magical. I'll never actually have one, though. I could nooot do all the care they require, and I don't plan on living somewhere where having a horse is appropriate. Have you taken part in a protest? What for? No, just boycotting. Have you ever signed a petition? Yes. I can't remember all of them. Have you ever been fired from a job? Why? No. Have you ever given someone else a haircut? No. What is the longest your hair has been? Just past the small of my back. Have you ever been stranded because your car broke down? No. Thank god for phones, lol. Have you performed on stage? What did you do? Yes, for school band concerts as well as dance recitals. Have you ever used a tanning bed? What about tanning spray? No. How do you prefer to celebrate your birthday? Just quiet and chill with my family, but still give me alone time, please. Who is the best cook that you know? /shrug Do you believe in Bigfoot? What about the Loch Ness Monster? The Loch Ness Monster I don't, but I find surviving sasquatches very possible. There's just too many reported sightings to be totally ignored. I'm not 100% on them still being around, though. I feel like we would've caught one by now. Do your friends tend to be male or female? Female. If you could change anything about human nature, what would it be? Our proclivity to violence when angered. Have you ever fainted? Yes. What skills would you like to learn? Cooking, how to handle money in various contexts, social skills... There's a lot of things. What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Meerkats, for sure. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I don’t. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? No. Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. Do you have a favourite outfit that you like to wear for nights out? I don't have "nights out." When you have a soft drink, do you prefer it in a bottle or can? I like cans because the metal helps it stay cold. Who was the last person to embarrass you? What did they do? I don't know. When you’re upset, do you tend to comfort eat or lose your appetite? I am a BAD comfort eater. Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? Does/did that person go to the same school as you? My online friend Sammy. No. Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? No. When was the last time you used a public toilet? Ummm I think for my birthday lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were? Jason has brown eyes. Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? That '70s Show and especially Supernatural.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''voices'' by motionless in white

[beautifulweird0]

Parental Pain: The Strength of Our Children

I was seven years old with 27 dollars to my name after my 7th birthday. Family members from Florida to Alabama where my roots lay sent money in cards that I made sure to read even as young as I was…

My mother wasn’t there for my birthday that particular year. My memory isn’t the best so I can’t even recall what was wrong to make her absent for my annual birth date; she usually was there for my birthdays. Anywho, I was just going to let my money sit in my furry, pink, clear purse on the door of my bedroom. I knew my brothers nor grandparents were going to dip into it.

Some days go by and my mom finally comes ‘home’. I was so elated that she came back that when she asked to borrow my money I gave my 27 dollars to her without a second thought. Pretty dumb right?

My mother sounded like she really needed it and promised she would give it back.

My 27 dollars I was going to build up...or spend at the corner store was gone. Never really thought much else about the situation until I came across a meme that called black parents out on ‘borrowing’ money from their children…

Ain’t gone lie, a sista’ was thinking like, “Damn...I’ll never do my baby like that EVER.” I don’t care if I have to sell pictures of my feet.

Moving forward, my mother is a MUCH MORE dependable person now but I told my 2 cents to raise awareness on the dysfunction a lot of us were raised in.

I wish I would ask my son for HIS money with my grown ass! If I take any money from my son ever it's going to be put up FOR HIM and HIS future. I have some 2 dollar bills in the stash for him right now so he can see what a 2 dollar bill looks like; maybe he will pass them down to his kids, who knows...

I haven’t been through as much as I have seen. I learned a lot from watching others and their situations play out.

Nothing ever went past me and if it did, that’s because it’s in my nature to want to see the best in people. I’m not dumb, I do dumb things sometimes but I let my heart blind me and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

When my mom came to me, I remember her looking so tired. Her smile was worn, her eyes were glassy. Didn’t know what to make out of her honestly. All I felt was that I had to be strong and help her out. Ain’t that something? Not one hair in my armpit and I felt obligated to help my mother financially. Sometimes in my life I had to tuck my parents in; fed them even. The friends I had in college used to call me “Mama Aysa” jokingly but man…

I ain’t give a damn how tore up I was, how many shots I threw back or what I blew on. My antennas was up and I kept note on each homegirl. I knew who was in the kitchen, who was in the bathroom, and I knew who stepped outside. And know when that Uber pulled up we were all outside linked together even if we didn’t look put together.

My father...had a terrible drinking problem. I remember when my little sister and I went to stay with him for a weekend. I woke up the next morning wondering where my father was. My little sister was still asleep so I went to the back bedroom to find my dad sleeping on the hard, carpeted floor, an empty beer bottle in hand. The sight almost made me cry. To see your parent in a low place messes with your spirit no matter the age.

Knew I couldn’t leave him like that so I took my pillow and laid it gently under his head after taking the beer bottle out of his hand. When I went to put my blanket over him he woke up, thanked me with a kiss on my hand then went back to sleep.

I could go on and on. I’m not recalling any of this to blast my parents; they had parts of them that were unhealed from their childhoods. I love them so dang much!

Their wounds is something I didn’t see back then but I moved according to my Granny always saying, “God pays attention to your actions; you can't change nobody.”.

Yes Granny, you can’t change a soul but roles also shouldn’t flip.

My heart goes out to the children who have to play the parental role or hold their tongues to spare the toxic egos of their parents.

Let’s dive a little deeper shall we?

It’s crazy how children are made to feel like they have to be strong for their parents when it's the parents that messed up in the 1st place. That’s like crashing the car and blaming the person in the backseat. Yes we should definitely support family in time of need but let children be children! The lack of this produces adults who are unhealed. There's many flaws within lack of accountability , that nobody questions in our community. I can only speak for the black community because I’m a black woman and though I may not have grown up in a household where you get popped in your face for questioning a situation, I know it's common in many other black households.

Parents...it’s not your child’s fault you are broke. Nobody told you to ride that thang into the sunset or not wear protection. Hustle harder.

Parents...it’s not your child’s fault you can’t go to thirsty Thursday. Get you a glass of wine and down that mug after you put the baby to sleep.

And please...I can’t stress this enough. Tell your children sorry. It doesn’t matter if they’re a baby, I tell my son sorry whenI lose my patience and he’s currently 10 months old. The objective is to get into the habit of doing so so that ego doesn’t stop you when they are able to communicate orally.

At work yesterday, I was on the phone with a lady for over an hour listening to her life story after canceling her reservation. She’s been through a lot and put her children through a lot concerning men and her finding her way. I was in agreement with this lady I never met in my life, until she said something along the lines of, “They need to get over it…”.

Now why can’t it be, “I understand how my children feel and if I could go back and change what occurred, I would but I can’t. I hope they can grow healthy and heal from what happened…”, and so on? The ego on these toxic ass parents KILLLLLLLLLLLLLL ME!

How dare you try to dictate and subconsciously invalidate what you put your children through because of your piss poor choices? Mind you she said it was times her daughters jumped on a man for beating her. HER DAUGHTERS came to her defense when her head was knocked between the washer and dryer and that’s what you say about what they face?

I simply cannot.

I’m not passing judgement on nobody because I don’t have my shit together either WHATSOEVER. But damn, if we want the black community to move forward we have to call each other out ESPECIALLY when it comes to these babies. I’m so passionate about kids because their love is so freaking pure but they are defenseless.

The fact that children feel the need to step up in trauma they didn’t create says a lot. Because I’ll say this in the defense of these parents; they are hurting too.

That’s why it’s important for other members in the family to step up. It forreal takes a village to raise ONE child. Don’t get your ass on Facebook talking shit about Aunt Bertha who watched your child(ren) for the free 99 because you’re mad she told lil Jimmy to eat all his peas.

When shit hits the fan, you're going to need the support of other family members. I promise you that my baby. To decide to bring a child into this world is a decision that isn’t to be taken lightly. Can never stress enough how serious this parental role gets. And to keep it a buck 50, about time most of us have a baby we won’t be even 80% prepared no matter the age. Way of the world- or...choices for a better term.

My family jokes about how protective I am over my baby boy but I can’t afford for him to hurt like I did. And I damn sure won’t allow anyone else on this earth to hurt him, not on my watch.

That would break my heart more than anything else in this universe to know that he would be screwed up due to my actions. Nope. Can’t stomach it and won’t because I’m trying to heal from my demons before he’s old enough to talk and correlate what’s going on.

I want to protect my son from what I can but also raising a black boy, I know that sometimes he has to fall on his face. I know that sometimes I have to be firm and not eager to pick him up when he cries. Mommy won’t always be there to kiss his booboos. But shid, mommy won’t be the one inflicting those wounds either.

Give your children a childhood they won’t have to heal from. Sometimes you’re going to trip up. Sometimes you are going to lose your cool or whatever the case but your kids will turn out fine as long as they always see you trying and loving them.

I never speak on what my grandparents could have done better because their downfalls don’t come to mind. Their love and effort comes to mind because that’s what I’ve seen. When I speak to other associates who are parents as well I tell em, “keep it real with your baby and they will keep it real with you.”.

I’m looking forward to the days I talk to my son about women and what he wants to do in life. But I will also communicate with him that I may not be having the best day, please be patient with your Mama and in advance I apologize. If my son comes to me about me hurting his feelings or embarrassing him, I will apologize and I will listen to him. Never talk down to him but build up my seed.

Too many men walking about here wanting to love, wanting marriage but don’t know where to start because their mothers never said sorry or talked down to their own sons like the man that hurt them.

Too many women walking around here wanting a husband and family but are scared to submit to a good man because they always heard the bitterness spewing from their mothers mouths. Or their fathers are everywhere but in their face...

Children are mainly defenseless, the very last object they should be associated with is a shield...

[coolb944]

The Balance Between Selfishness and Selflessness

I'm not going to lie... This balance is a hard one for me to walk sometimes. Ok... Maybe a little more than sometimes. I grew up an only child with no brothers or sisters I had to share with, loved greatly by my parents and extended family. My parents were poor when I was born, but managed to attain upper middle class comfort by the time I went to college, which I did not pay for - they did. I certainly never would have known we were poor growing up, as nothing at the time made me feel that way. Looking back now I can see the signs... "Do you take American Express" became my pre-qualifying mantra anytime I went out to eat with my parents and my grandma, as that's the credit card my grandma had, and she took us to eat often. No American Express, we didn't eat there. At the time, however, the reason we were using my grandmother's credit card so much to eat never entered my mind. I went to private school from 3rd-12th grade. I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas almost always, as well as my birthday, and when I got my first car, my parents paid for it - a Guards Red with linen leather interior 1986 Porsche 944 automatic that was a salvage title, which I argued and pushed for on the basis of gas mileage, value because of the salvage title, relative slowness, and great safety Porsche engineered into the car (it did in fact prove its safety at one point down the road). They paid for the next several cars I had too.

So, as you can see, in so many ways, life was not bad; my childhood into adulthood was rather great by most standards. It also made the bad aspects stand out hard. I was bullied and teased a lot as a kid, by my cousins and the kids at school. My father had deep anger management issues, making him very intimidating and causing me to never feel very close to him. My mother was over protective, which ended up isolating me from many things that may have otherwise given me more courage and self-esteem, as well as a greater apprehension in the way I approached certain aspects of life. I knew I was gay by the time I hit middle school, even if I didn't know the term for it. My parents, heaping their hopes and dreams on me for me (and for themselves in ways - my mother so loves children and dreamed of holding newborn grandchildren), and being very strict about how I should present myself to the world, down to what I wore, how I talked, how I walked, pushing me to try sports, while in certain ways children need, it all placed great expectation I never felt I would ever meet. The criticism, the opinions, the comments, they were constant. When they found out I was gay, I was sent to a Catholic therapist whose goal, at base, was to convert me to being straight, or as close he could get me. I ended up living a lie for a while after that, taking on a girlfriend whose heart I broke once I moved for college. I broke up with her, knowing I would cheat if I didn't.

The bad is what ended up diminishing my self-esteem and causing intense self-doubt, and which led me to be afraid of pursuing my life the way I wanted to. This all brought depression, which was, coupled with sudden, unexpected deaths around me, especially that of my dad when I was 18, magnified for me and made me see nothing in the future but sadness, loneliness, emptiness - True Hell. I allowed the depression and all it brought to win, and it has wrought havoc in my life that I'm just starting to pick the pieces up from. Alcohol and drug abuse; incredibly risky, bountiful sex; wrecked credit and over-spending. Repeatedly. Bad. Decision. Making!

Now, in my sobriety, having broken from the behavior cycle the alcohol and drugs, especially meth, had me trapped in (daily they still sing their siren song from deep and long in my memory), I've gained enough reprieve and time to reflect on my behavior to learn how to cope with the selfish tendencies my upbringing and my life experience can often cause me to lean toward.

Yesterday, for example, my mother stayed home from work sick, and not having a car, relies on me to help her when need be with what she needs from outside the house. Mind you, after destroying what independence I'd built for myself, I'm extremely grateful she and my aunt have allowed me to come live with them. But despite this incredibly gracious act, the little things of daily life can still creep up on me.

I'd had a plan for my day, which was entirely smashed by my mom needing more assistance than usual because of her being ill. I helped her with all she requested, but I had a very difficult time shaking the feeling of losing the day and being upset about it, which came out very pointedly in my interactions with her. The feeling of loss of control of my time was made even more stinging by the fact that when I finally was able to work, I worked Uber all the way up from the South Bay to Santa Monica and back, and didn't get a single ride the entire time.

I concluded the day chalking it all up to the fact that some days are not ours, and they weren't ever going to be. That is the realization that has continued to resonate with me today. I've apologized to my mom, and I'm realizing, once again, that each day is a crap shoot, and that I need to remember to handle it all with grace and serenity. I also need to accept that if the signs are saying it isn't my day, accept that it isn't, and celebrate the positives of what has made it not my day. In that way, I make it my day again.

The fact that I have the means to be selfless, to help, to be the kind of guy people can rely on, is something to celebrate. I wasn't always that guy, and I often didn't have the means to be. Because Uber was dead, I went home and watched a funny movie and had a night off. It's really the laugh and kind of night I needed and didn't even know it. Mind you, I'm a touch panicked today because of expenses versus money I need to make, but provided I do what I need to with my time, it will all work out.

One day at a time, working consistently towards my goals, keeping my attitude where it needs to be, in the middle, balancing it all. And that's really where true happiness lies, balancing selfish and selfless. Fact is, they both will add up to happiness if one balances the two. Lean too hard to either side, and unhappiness wreaks havoc. Don't let unhappiness win... Ever!

[0225pm]

070318

7 march 2018

i met my bb today.

i was worried.

i just can’t sit back knowing that he feels so miserable.

i just want to be there for him even if i can’t do much, even if i can only gift my presence and my listening ears.

initially i wanted to take the bus and then the train to his place and so i rushed. i showered and prepped and then left the house and he still hasn’t replied to my last text to him.

i didn’t want to pressure him so i waited and while waiting for his reply, i decided to take the bus to the macpherson mrt (require less changing of train lines since macpherson mrt is on the yellow line so i was thinking of stopping at bishan and then changing to the red line towards yew tee).

he replied me soon after asking where i was and to not come if this happens again. but i told him i can’t do that, i can’t not come even if he said not to. how could i not come see him after all the things he said on instastory? which girlfriend wouldn’t be worried when their boyfriend writes and posts things about hunger and death? maybe people will say things like “wow i think you love your boyfriend too much already to go all the way to see him just because of a post like that”.

first things first, yes i love him. a whole damn lot. in fact, i love him so much words honestly can’t express how much i love him and because i love him, i care for him too. i don’t want him suffering alone in silent, beating himself up and acting like he’s ok, like everything’s alright when it’s not. we even promised each other to tell each other things, no matter good or bad. i want to unload the burden and sadness and whatever negativity he’s keeping inside of him, even if i can’t do anything much to help him i just want to make him feel better. to let him know that he’s not alone, that i will always always always be there for him no matter the circumstances we’re in.

secondly, he don’t always rant or talk about emotions and feelings much, so for him to actually do that and publicized it on socmed was really shocking for me which then leads to me worrying about him. which is why, i can’t just not be worried. even if people feel like it’s nothing serious or if he’s just being dramatic, in my eyes it worries me because it’s so unlike him. he is always the one joking around, being happy and smiling but no one really knows how he feels deep inside, not even me if he chose to mask his stress and anger and sadness. no one can feel what he’s feeling even if you try to put yourself in his shoes cus let’s be real, unless you yourself is facing the exact same situation as he’s in, you’ll never be able to totally 100% relate to whatever he’s feeling.

ok back to the story.

i then ended up booking an uber from macpherson mrt towards his place cus for some reason i felt like i should reach his place asap. it was already about 830+ by the time i got in an uber. i managed to reach his place at 855pm and upon reaching his area, i saw him waiting at the void deck while the car drove past to head into the car park. tbh i thought that he’d be home and then i’ll just call him down. i didn’t know that he was waiting for me at the void deck until i saw him.

ok then i wanted to surprise him so i tried to creep slowly from the back but lol it was an instant fail cus he turned around. the moment i saw him sitting there i put my bag down and hugged him. i couldn’t hug him really tightly cus i was hugging his head and i didn’t want him to suffocate wtf so i hugged and pat his head.

and then we talked.

before meeting me, he met his sister. apparently a couple of people were also worried and replied to his instastory. and his sister met up with him and then they talked while having dinner together. he told me a summary of whatever his sister talked about to him and tbvh i wasn’t really supportive of most of the things she said. i just felt like it’s easy for her to say cus she’s not the one going through wherever he’s going through, she’s not feeling what he’s feeling. yes i agree to a certain extent that he must be grateful and appreciative cus there are so many people who are jobless and even less unfortunate than he is but fuck, your own mental and physical well-being is the number one most important factor here.

i’ve been in that position before where i just wanted death to take me, where i just wanted to give up cus everything feels like it’s going south and let me tell you something, those thoughts are not pretty. i’m not one to self harm nor let negativity get to me but for some reason i just crumbled. being in a depressive state makes you think a lot of things, most of which are shitty but honestly i’m glad i didn’t just give up on life cus if i did i wouldn’t have met han again and we wouldn’t have ended up together.

he’s my solace in life and i wish i can be his solace in life too.

but anyway, after he told me the things she said. i wasn’t too happy about it so i told him things from my point of view and i ended up tearing up looking at him cus i was just so sad to see him that way. to see him being so weak (i’m not saying guys can’t be weak) and helpless and unhappy with the way he’s living. and he too just ended up tearing up cus he saw me cried. i then stood up and hugged him again, patting his back and his head, running my hand through his hair and patting him again and again. i wish i can do more for him but honestly i’m not very good at comforting either.

and then after awhile, he started telling me things about his mom like how she topped up his phone and he also told her things about how his dad is being an asshole. and then the conversation leads to topics about his dad.

ok the thing is, i think his dad is sorta the one stressing him out? like yes his work stresses him out but his dad’s adding more stress into his life. the fact that he said shit to other people about his own son shows what kind of dad he is already. he told me that he don’t usually get affected by what his dad says but for some reason this time he felt really affected. his words sounded harsh and piercing and it was affecting his mental state. what kind of father looks down on his own son? wtf. instead of supporting and helping you’re bringing your own blood and flesh down. the fact that you’re not even helping with anything about the household and just waiting for money from your children is a fucking selfish act of you. you’re supposed to be the head of the household, the leader, no matter if you’re fucking divorced or whatever, your children is still your responsibilities too so do something to feed them instead of talking shit all the time. what is the point of being a father if you’re not helping your own children grow? you shirk your responsibilities as a father, yet you still expect money to be given to you monthly? just fuck off and disappear.

excuse my poor language but i’m mad.

i can relate to how he feels about his dad cus my dad is exactly the same way, just a fucking parasite living off other people’s money.

but anyway ok back to the story.

after he talked about his dad he started tearing up and i feel so so so much for him cus i can relate. i wiped his tears and just cupped my hand on his cheeks and continued wiping away his tears. i told him not to worry about whatever his dad said and to just do him. his dad’s useless and unlike him, at least he’s working his butts off making ends meet. no one else can understand how hard he works other than himself and if he feels unhappy in his working environment then he should find another job and leave this shithole. money can always be earned but you’ll start to dread going to work if you’re unhappy wherever you’re at in the present and it will affect your mental health as well.

fuck the haters just work on yourself.

at the end of the day, everything you’re doing is for yourself and not for anyone else’s future.

prioritize yourself more than others.

your own well-being will always come first before anyone else’s.

around 935pm, i asked han to go up first and rest up but we ended up staying till about 10pm and then he told me that he wants to go back to which i immediately agree to cus i want him to get as much rest as possible since he do have to get to work tomorrow. he asked me if i have money for a ride home cus he was worried and wanted to pay for my ride home if i didn’t have any but i said it’s ok don’t worry about the money i have it since my pay came in yesterday, even though it’s not a lot but it’s still some extra money enough for me to get home.

but looking at the time, i thought i’d take the train instead since it was really quite early. if i take the train at 10+ there are bound to still be buses back home from bishan so i told him i’ll take the train and then he threw a fit and kept asking me to just book a ride but i was like what for waste the money when i can just take the train. and then he said “you know if you take the train i would have to send you to the mrt right? i want to see you off” and i was like “no bb it’s ok really i came here on my own accord like i want to see you physically so it’s ok and it’s only right that i see you off first so you just go home first ok” and then he said something angrily i can’t really exactly remember his exact words but it was kinda like chasing me away haha. but anyhoo i waited for the lift with him, gave him a kiss and hugged him again before walking off to the mrt.

i reached home around 1137pm!! so it wasn’t all that bad tbh! i expected to reach home after 12 but was pleasantly surprised at how smooth the ride home was.

ok it’s 122am now, i’m gonna play a game or two of ml since i bought valir and then i’m gonna sleep since i’ve got closing shift later.

goodnight!

#070318 #adaywithhan #marchwithhan #personal

[theofficialcurlybae]

I recall sending out my final texts to all of my loved ones prior to making this trip to Haiti. I was super excited. I must have packed and unpacked a million times. Thinking of all the amazing food that I will eat. All the great places I would see! The great people I would meet. “It was discerning when I got replies back such as, “HAITI! WHYYYY?”

Uhm??? Why not? Before, I would have let that scare me away from venturing another country.

I was freaking out if I had the right clothes, if I had enough bug spray. If I had the right shoes. I started packing a month before the trip.

I have NEVER in my life thought about visiting Haiti. With the stigma people placed on Haiti, I was a bit apprehensive. But living in America, I have had the pleasure of actually having conversations with Haitians, and regardless of the living conditions, they beam with pride talking about their island.

I thought to myself, how can I judge an entire country, without ever actually being there, let alone have a conversation with a Haitian.

Even before hitting the plane, I noticed a trend in the Haitians that I have met. They are caring, loving, and uphold strong values. They work together, love to help others, and have love for ALL people regardless of their background.

Eveline, the coordinator, was so sweet. She went out of her way to give us gifts for our trip. We all got journals which came in handy for me. They all had a personalized message and pages of inspiration and pictures. It was so thoughtful and cute!

June 15, 2017: The Commute

I’ve learned, when there is a will there is a way. When we got to Ft. Lauderdale, we had many bags filled with donations. Because the bags were overweight, we may have had to leave some bags behind. With only 20 minutes to be checked in, we had to figure it out.

As we panicked, Natalie and Eveline were a little too calm. Natalie said, we can figure it out and at least try. We threw the heavy donations in the trash and stuffed our carry ons as much as possible. Luckily, we were able to get through with 2/3 of the donations and our flight was delayed so it bought us some more time.

It was a long day! We left our homes at 11pm. Then we drove to Fort. Lauderdale, got there at 3:30. We made it to Port-au-Prince at about 7ish. We didn’t make it to the hotel in La Gonave until about 3pm. We haven’t been to sleep since the day before the trip because we all had to go to work. We were all beat, but our day had just begun.

So let’s rewind a bit, now that I gave you the jist.

We finally got on the plane, and of course, I got my window seat and I was knocked out! When I woke up we were just about to land. Then I heard a loud cheer! Clapping, rooting, laughter, happiness. WHAT?

They were celebrating life! They acknowledged the pilot for getting us safely to Haiti. To show their appreciation EVERYONE clapped and cheered as we landed. Even being on the plane was a party in itself.

Once we landed in Port- au- Prince, we met with Marven, Donald and Mr. Lucus (Eveline’s dad.) We put our luggage in the kanté (bus).  

  Eveline, Marven, and Jasmine ready for this 3 hour drive.

This is actually a tap tap

We got comfy, it was a long ride to the dock where we had to catch the boat. Immediately I noticed that Haiti had many untouched roads, really good drivers, and raw beauty!

  MOUNTAINS EVERYWHERE! COLORFUL HOUSES! BEAUTIFUL, RICH LANDSCAPES! My jaw dropped!

I can’t believe I was this close to this structure.

Haiti is rich in soil. All of their plants are rich in color and fragrance. Unlike anything I have ever seen!

The water looks like something out of a magazine!

After our three hour drive, we finally made it to the dock. This was another hour ride on a speed boat! This was my first time ever being on one. It was hard to fight off the motion sickness, but the view was too breathtaking to miss out. I certainly, sucked it up in fear of missing out!

We finally made it to this rustic hotel. Old school flavor. I thought to myself, WOW, I bet this is what St. Kitts looked like for my mom when she was growing up. I felt as though I took a ride in a time machine.

Look it! A pay phone! When was the last time you saw this?

Waiting to be checked in to my room.

We were able to eat lunch and take a 15 minute nap before heading out to our first mission. I finally got to my room that I shared with Amanda. I wanted to hurry and take a bath so that I could sleep.

First thing I realized… NO HOT WATER!!!! WHAT? This is a common thing in Haiti. This helped me learn to conserve water and take shorter baths. I immediately missed home. In my mind, I just expected at least warm water. To Haitians, warm water is not missed because it is not normal to have.

Now, I somehow managed to shower without getting hyperthermia and I was pooped! I wound up oversleeping and missed the kanté to the church. Amanda, Sandra, and I were left behind. We were offered a ride by the hotel staff, but not a ride I expected.

  I got my first experience on a 4 wheeler to the church! I was low-key happy that we missed it! Because….

That happened. I feel like I was in a scene of a movie.

Later I learned that 4 wheelers, mopeds, and other motor bikes were used as a form of taxi. I thought that was pretty clever. If you needed some extra cash, you don’t need an uber app. You just need your bike and a licenses! Pretty dope!

We finally got to the church for the award ceremony. The ceremony is something that Pathway to Hope put together to honor 10 schools that had exceptional students and honor the teachers & principals as well.

I thought it was pretty cool. The kids felt accomplished and teachers and principals felt appreciated! We help build morale in a place where these ceremonies are rare! It felt amazing.

It urged them to want to do better. It was really cool because even 2 days later, the students were still wearing their medals! They were so proud. I felt a little tug on my heart. I thought to myself, “mehn, I did this. We did this.” In America, we tend to take simple things like this for granted and here are these students and staff overly joyed for the simple recognition.

We came back and ended the evening with some reflection and an amazing meal. MY FIRST HAITIAN DINNER! I was too psyched…and hungry! It was a great feeling. I also had my first Haitian rum. Just a shot, for the culture. 😉

Twas a great day. I slept so hard.

I learned a few things that day:

I am able to adapt to uncomfortable situations for the sake of necessity.

I can appreciate a gift of thought over a gift of great expense.

I’ve learned to not prejudge a person or a place due to what others may perceive, especially if they’ve never visited themselves.

Do not take pictures of the natives. I learned the hard way. Then I put myselves in their shoes, how would I feel if someone came to St.Thomas and took pictures of me. It’s not that I have never seen Haitian people. I was admiring the beauty of the culture, but I could understand why they felt that way. Many people come to that island in hopes to “exploit” the poor living conditions. Yes. There is some poverty, but Haitians are rich in more ways than money. They are resourceful, have natural beauty, a sense of community and values. They know the true meaning of life. Something that many would never understand because the race for fame and riches is in the way.

On this trip, I broke many misconceptions of the island. I’ve become more respectful to other cultures. There I was, drunk with a sense of entitlement that I’ve never earned. I came to  this country and was welcomed with open arms.

This was only the beginning. Stay tuned for the rest of the trip! And remember….

DREAM BIG. TAKE CHANCES. AND NEVER STOP LEARNING.

We are CurlyBae

Besos,

CurlyBae

  My Breathtaking First Day on my Missionary Trip to Haiti I recall sending out my final texts to all of my loved ones prior to making this trip to Haiti.