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drlauralwalsh · 4 years

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The Lusty World of Lesbian Widows

I’m really frustrated that COVID has gotten in the way of my grief achievements. I figured 3 months in, I’d be doing the television talk show circuit, sold my book, and set up a non-profit foundation. If only this pandemic hadn’t gotten in my way.

In my life before, if I spent too much time alone (like, over 4 hours), I’d start texting my sister-in-law that I was unsupervised and feral. Uh oh. I’d start going down rabbit holes and come up with weird stuff like how buff male kangaroos get. Or questioning if my parents were really married since I couldn’t find a record of their union in the limited online databases. I could have paid for real records but I’m cheap. I know, sounds crazy.

But now, I’m alone for long stretches of time. I’ve managed to channel some of this agitated energy into writing essays that speak to weirdos like me (shout out to my fellow weirdos!). I spend hours researching (me-searching as we said in grad school) and discovering overachieving methods to dam the waters of my new spouse-less life.

I’m not just your average widow. Oh no no no. Of course, I have to be special so allow me to tack on some extra layers - lesbian, stepmom, and young (-ish, right?). At 45, I have finally found a way to inch back towards the youth and relevance lost as you enter the fourth decade of life. Today, I’d like to let you into the wonders of lesbianism.

I’m going to assume you’re not submerged in this subculture so I’ll tell you some secrets. People are fascinated by lesbians. To be fair, we live pretty mysterious lives. We leave you hanging on profound questions like who takes out the trash and how do they have sex without a woody woodpecker? Sometimes, other communities get lumped in with us but they are actually quite different. Of these witches, spinsters, and women who wear comfortable shoes, I only belong to only one of those so far. I’m working on my stovetop skills and hope to someday conjure a penis. Not a real one; that would be weird.

Amazon’s book market best represents the variable interests of our fan club members. Right after my wife died, I launched a search for books on “lesbian widows.” You’d think the algorithms would have pegged me by now (ha ha). I was dismayed yet amused by the grand interpretation of what Amazon thought I meant. The following is an unedited list of the top books recommended for me to purchase under these auspicious terms:

Lesbian Widows: Invisible Grief

by Victoria Whipple (Kindle $25.98, Paperback $46.95, Hardcover $907.71)

I’m impressed that the first one actually included my search terms but dang, it’s expensive to be a lesbian widow. To be fair, you can rent it for $9.21 a month. It’s also terribly niche within an already small niche - invisible lesbian widows? Published in 2014, you’d think it would be a little more hip. Maybe it’s because I live in Chicago but even as an introvert, I’m decently visible. Still, glad it exists and appeals to all eight people who each gave it a 5-star rating.

The Care and Feeding of Waspish Widows: Feminine Pursuits

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I must quote the basic plot description for you to get the full impact of this novel: “The last thing the widow wants is to be the victim of a thousand bees. But when a beautiful beekeeper arrives to take care of the pests, Agatha may be in danger of being stung by something far more dangerous…” The cover depicts said wapish widow sit/leaning against her handsome, pants suit-clad beekeeper. At the much less expensive price for kindle and paperback, I’m only slightly put off by labeling bees as pests.

Odd women?: Spinsters, lesbians and widows in British women's fiction, 1850s–1930s

by Emma Liggins (Kindle $73.24, Hardcover $95.00)

The period is a little off but at least it includes diverse, international women. I was looking for a self help book but this seems slightly more academic. Not sure why there’s a question mark in the title as there’s no question about our oddity. The description reads, “Women outside heterosexual marriage in this period were seen as abnormal, superfluous, incomplete and threatening, yet were also hailed as ‘women of the future’.” Aw shucks, I *am* ahead of my time. Dang that price tag! No renting option for this one.

The Grass Widow

by Nanci Little (Kindle $0.00, Paperback $14.95)

It’s unclear where we’ll find the lesbian widow in this 2010 novel but the description yields some mild foreshadowing: “As a familiar civilization fades into the distance, she is nineteen, unmarried and pregnant, and has no reason to think that the year 1876 won't be her last...Joss, in her brother's clothes and severely lacking in social graces, has no time to mollycoddle a pampered, pregnant New England lady. It's work or starve, literally. There are no servants, no laborers - just a failing farm, impending winter and the two of them to face it together.” It sounds like the shameless Joss needs her own dose of mollycoddling (wink, wink) to get through the chilly nights.

Her Widow

by Joan Alden (Paperback $18.00)

More popular with 10 people giving it an almost stellar rating, this tomb’s immodest summary insists it belongs on every bookshelf. YOU WILL PAY ATTENTION TO US! That’s how I read it. Seriously, of all the books this one comes the closest to what I actually wanted. Waiting for the kindle unlimited edition….(having no man money makes us frugal).

Made For You 3

by K. Shantel (Kindle $4.99)

Apparently, Made For You 1 and 2 were not as popular. Despite the fair price, this tale omits widows opting for the groundbreaking combination of lesbian romance and football. While tragedy surely threads through this plot, it falls short of crossing the threshold from football to death (it probably does). Shocker, I defy the sporty lesbian trope and instead prefer to spend time among my vast, treasured collection of power tools. Just to be clear, I mean the ones for home repair (get your mind out of the gutter!) If the lady protagonists of this book had been thrown together building a Habitat for Humanity house with their 10 dogs using only their Subaru to transport lumber, I might be more captivated.

The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics, Book 1 of 1: Feminine Pursuits Series

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I’ll give the author the benefit of believing there are more to come in the series. The title of this one intrigues me (I may steal it later) but sadly, it also defaults to worn stereotypes. This collection of lesbian tropes finds my kin scoring yet another toaster for the conversion of a hapless straight lady. Lesbians for the win! Lady Reads-A-Lot gave it 5 stars and commented, “This was poetic and lovely, full of beautiful descriptions that knew exactly how to leave you breathless and then stop just before tipping into tedious.” I’m guessing she means the sex scenes? If you’ve ever watched any real lesbian porn, you know that it’s far better for the participants than the viewers.

Erotica: The Forbidden Adventures Of A Grieving Widow (Seduction, Lust, Lesbian Sex, Interracial Sex, Bondage and More)

by Amy King (Kindle $0.00)

This one is hands down, my favorite title and you can’t beat the price. The author keeps the marketing short to sell you her novel: “All Ava wanted was to erase the memory of her recently departed husband. Little did she know that in trying to do so, she would experience mind-blowing adventures and lust across the globe. Ava would never be the same again as she ravenously eats up whatever adventure blows her way.” Even though it’s another toaster novel, as a grieving widow ‘ravenously eats up’ does resonate. I don’t think she means jars of cookie butter.

Of the eight masterpieces on the list, five are romance novels, one is academic, and two are in the ballpark (excuse the sports metaphor). Scrolling further only yields more erotica including another novel titled, “Football Widows (lesbian)” by Amanda Mann and Deadlier Than the Male Publications. Now I get it that we make up a small percentage of the population but this is some seriously messed up shit.

Removing the lesbian and searching only for ‘widow’ yields twenty pages of books. I know what you’re thinking - “C’mon Laura, what’s the big deal? Just get the standard widow book.” And believe me, I’ve amassed quite the collection and am waiting for just the right intersection of not too devastated but ready to sob. Bear with me for a sec - think about how we just want to be seen when we’re at our lowest. When I first typed those words into the search bar, I just wanted something that used wife instead of husband.

Every grief has specific salient elements and it’s too super niche to touch on all at the same time. It would be weird and/or maybe nice to find another lesbian widow stepmom psychologist who lost her cop wife of almost 5 years to a PTSD-induced psychotic break and suicide. That’s a Subaru full of identities. If this person did exist, I’d be suspicious we’re the target on Incel trolls, longing to read the words of more seductive, witchy lesbians. Instead, I plan on taking the high road. I’ll get my knowledge and support from those who accept me by the category. Obviously, one out of one lezzies agree there’s a market for lesbian widow self help guides - at the right price. I may still write that book but if I want to get rich, I’ll definitely have to add more sex scenes.

#lesbian #widow #amazon #books #humor

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