#Idk I just really like slightly codependent twins | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cursedvibes · 15 days

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For character ask game, can I ask for Johan and Nina? Thx :D

Thanks for the Monster ask! I love talking about the twins :)

Johan

Sexuality Headcanon:

It's hard to say anything for certain with Johan's identity. How much is for show/acted and how much is his own genuine wants. It is very noticeable that when he goes to charm people (in a sexual way or otherwise) it's most often men, but it's difficult to say if that's because of personal preference or because they are just easier to manipulate. I would say there's a slight preference for men because going out of dates with Jan was absolutely not necessary, he could've gotten all the information he needed through regular persuasion or a casual chat. He also gives me strong ace vibes.

Gender Headcanon:

Also hard to put into words. I'd say either agender as in he really has none because he has made himself/become empty or bigender as in his own gender and the one of his sister. He does seem to prefer masculine or what is generally seen as boy's/men's clothes even when he was still living with his mother, but I don't know how much of that is his own will and how much is him just not wanting to stick out and fitting into society. I also wouldn't say he's solely wearing women's/girl's clothing because his mother raised him that way or because he wants to imitate his sister. Because the clothes he wears are different from Nina's. Hers are much more casual and unisex, while Johan deliberately goes into a more feminine direction. And in this case I don't think it's to fit in because he could do that perfectly well with Nina's clothing style as well.

A ship I have with said character:

Jan. Somehow I'm always gravitating towards murderer/sweet, naive and slightly delusional guy. I fully believe Jan could come around eventually to giving Johan another chance, seeing that Johan is able to be kind like how he helped his mother gain mental clarity. Johan just has to show that he will be murdering a little less in the future. But either way, I already like their interactions as is and I think the way Johan treats Jan is really interesting. He doesn't kill him, despite Jan knowing quite quite a bit about him and he even helps him before leaving Prague. There's definitely some potential.

A BROTP I have with said character:

Nina lol. I love these kinds of twisted, codependent twin relationships. And oh boy do they have trauma and drama between them. Honestly, the entire backstory about their mother's choice, Red Rose Mansion and their escape from Czechoslovakia alone is giving me so much food for thought. The fairy tales interwoven with it give it the extra surreal feeling, similar to how both of them see their childhood. The way both of their mentalities changed, the things both of them had to endure, the haunting imagery of Johan waiting alone in the empty apartment for Nina to return. It's just so incredibly good and the way you gradually find out about it is even better. Johan helped Nina by taking in her trauma (telling himself eventually it was his), but he also needed her to stay close and support him because he couldn't take it otherwise. Really one monster eating the other.

A NOTP I have with said character:

Johan/Tenma. I don't like Tenma and idk I just never saw any basis for it. Johan fixates on Tenma as well, but I don't see anything sexual or romantic in that.

A random headcanon:

I think he wears women's clothing or lives as Nina or under some other women's name even when it isn't necessarily benefitting his plan. He could do the same thing as a man, but he just decides to be a woman sometimes because why not (people tend to treat him nicer or overlook him easier too).

General Opinion over said character:

Love him, one of the best villains in anime and manga.

Nina

Sexuality Headcanon:

Either bi or a lesbian. She probably isn't quite sure about it yet either. I'd say she's more into girls because all her attempts at dating guys seemed a bit...strained. Like it didn't feel quite natural, even when Johan wasn't inserting himself into the situation.

Gender Headcanon:

She seems pretty happy as a cis girl. Although I wonder if things might be different if Johan and her roles were switched. She always had a strong sense of identity and internal strength though, so she would've probably processed such a situation very differently from Johan.

A ship I have with said character:

Lotte. She clearly has a huge crush on Nina and as far as love interest go, she seems like the best option. Relatively well adjusted while also adventurous and knows how to handle Nina when she's having a little existential crisis. Now Nina just has to be made more aware of Lotte's feelings for her...she can be a bit oblivious, but to be fair, she was hunting her murderous brother, so understandably a bit preoccupied.

A BROTP I have with said character:

Johan :)

A NOTP I have with said character:

Tenma again. Similar reason as with Johan. Sure they are nice to each other, but I really don't see anything else there.

A random headcanon:

I think her mother knew who she was giving away and she didn't do it because she doesn't love Nina but because she thought she would be more likely to handle Red Rose Mansion and Bonaparte as well as you possibly could. Like she wouldn't be as easily influenced by the picture book, not to the point of harming herself and others at least. You can see at times that Nina also has a murderous side to her, but she has it way better under control than Johan.

General Opinion over said character:

Like her. I used to not be that much of a fan, but she has really grown on me over the past years.

#asks #naoki urasawa’s monster

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meta-squash · 3 years

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I did a long thread on twitter analyzing/interpreting You’re My Waterloo for the fun of it, but it was mostly for the amusement/interest of myself and like one other friend on there that likes The Libertines. So I figured I’d transcribe it over here where people might get more out of it? Since it was a twitter thread, the sentences might be a bit weird and stilted, by the way. So:

I'm glad they waited to record Waterloo until 2015. I feel like any other time would have been wrong. I know Peter was playing the slow version back in at least 2007 but I think it would have been sad in a different way if they had recorded it before 2015. Like, in 2015 it's just a straight up love song that's slightly sad because, well, it's Peter. If they had recorded it before I feel like it'd have been a love song with resentment wound through it. There's just a lot of emotion in that song and if there's one thing Peter is really really good at doing, it's Emoting Intensely. But it's not just Peter, the piano is so beautiful and the strings are beautiful and Carl's guitar solo is Intense. It's all A Lot. Like, of all the songs that Peter has written about Carl, about their relationship and career and experiences together, THIS is the one where you can feel most strongly the near-obsessive type adoration. So I’m glad they waited to record it properly when they were friends again (also I’m mildly surprised that it was Carl’s suggestion to rerecord it). Anyway.

Fuck the first verse of this song is a lot. This whole song is a lot. I mean it starts off with such a sad sentiment, it's almost a warning? "You'll never fumigate the demons / No matter how much you smoke." You can't smoke away sadness no matter how much you want to. Bitterly ironic, considering the sorts of things Peter ended up smoking etc to chase away demons, the types of extremes they both went to above and beyond just trying to fumigate. But anyway. "Just say you love me for three good reasons / And I'll throw you the rope." It's just so fucking codependent. So intensely obsessive and codependent. There was a quote, I think maybe from Roger Sargent?, about Peter crying outside a venue in like 2002 because even then he was scared about losing his friendship with Carl to the Something Bigger of fame. This feels like a desperate bid to hang on to that love. But also like Peter is so intense. Every video of interviews where he's sitting next to Carl or gigs when they're friends or reunions or whatever, he just wants to be in Carl's space and have Carl's gaze and his attention and stuff. Like a cat that sits on your work.

Again, a digression. Oops. I said I was in a mood. It's so interesting that while it's definitely a love song To Carl, the only direct mention of Love is asking for love From Carl. It's like he's working on the assumption that his feelings are obvious (they are) and desperately wants reassurance or reciprocation.

"You don't need it / Because you are the survivor / Of more than one life" We know the origin of this is apparently Carl's dead twin brother. But also the offering of a rope only to reassure that no, you don't need it is just so...I don't know...sweet? Especially because while "throw you the rope" is obviously a symbol of rescue it could just as easily be a noose. Except that it's neither. Because he doesn't need it. Because he can survive fucking anything, because they love each other--he hopes. It’s like, if you love me as much as I love you, I’ll try to help you, even though I know you don’t need me because you just need to realize you can do it on your own. "And you're the only lover I had / Who ever slept with a knife" The interview where they talk about this line is so funny. "No it's not about us. But Carl did sleep with a knife and the line about being a survivor is about Carl having a dead twin and Peter saying he was the twin reincarnated. But it’s totally not about us." Anyway. Ugh just so much of this song seems to be about Peter being Super Obvious and open about his love for Carl and Carl being more closed off. Carl being the only lover who slept with a knife; he'll accept the love but he's wary of it and wary giving it.

(By the way by love I don't necessarily mean Romantic or Sexual love. They clearly adore each other one way or another, that's obvious enough. But Best Friendship love is 100% a thing.) (However, the Judy Garland line is so funny to me because "Friend of Dorothy" was a secret code for gay men for a while. And considering the amount of queer literature etc Peter references in everything, there's no way he didn't know this.)

I can't really go in depth into the Tony Hancock line since I really don't know much about Hancock and I know that it was a real touchstone for Peter and Carl. But it plus the Judy Garland line feels like a "neither of us have ever really had a home, but we found one in each other" thing. Which is. A lot. Especially with the "until the dawn" bit, because a main component of so many stories about them from other people is the two of them staying up for days together writing and adventuring and just doing stuff and no one else being able to get in their little bubble.

I love the "ahh" after "Stone the crows" and the way the music starts to swell. It's obvious that the next verse is the Important One. And it is. There's the story about Peter crashing an event at the Old Vic while Carl was ushering to tell him they should be writing together and everyone who's there are dicks. But it's also like...so many layers of what is success and what is appreciation and how do you express love. I assume the flowers are not from his show, that he's collected them from the stage after someone else's show. But it's reusing tokens of mostly empty/superficial/performative appreciation--the tradition of tossing flowers on the stage--as a token of genuine love. Sitting through an entire performance, watching someone else's success and dreaming of being there and then using the token of appreciation for that person to instead give it to the person you yourself appreciate and love and want to succeed with. It's like a promise, a "we'll get there." But also another act of desperation because he's been sitting there for hours. Carl wasn't there to receive the gift and wasn't there to write with him. But he's been chasing words around on the page--the love-words to this song or the words to another one?--and he needs Carl there to really complete it, needs Carl there to hear it. It's very much in line with Peter yelling that they should be writing. This intense "Please be with me please accept the way I express myself please complete my incomplete bits please like me as much as I like you" etc.

And then the chorus which is so interesting. I desperately wish I understood the Gypsy Lane and Stanley Park references. I think Stanley Park is a footie reference but I’m not sure? I'm trying to do all of the interpretation off my own brain and not use the notes on the Genius website or anywhere else but I wanted to see if those two references here had been crowdsourced. Apparently both Gypsy Lane and Stanley Park are places he spent time in his childhood (and I called it on the football reference, yes!). Which is. Wow. Okay. And then there's Waterloo which is a whole thing in itself. It's Waterloo as Waterloo but also Waterloo Station. So Carl is able to be Peter's Ultimate Defeat, the thing that has the ability to ruin him. But also Waterloo Station is near the Old Vic where Carl worked & would go to theatre bars, so it's also a place of familiarity. Since I don't know anything else about the Gypsy Lane reference, I can only assume it's also a place of comfort and familiarity. So Peter's admitting to Carl's power over him, ability to hurt him, but offering to comfort him in return. (Important for later.)

"I'm so glad we know just what to do / And exactly who's to blame" I love this line because it knows it's wrong. Especially in 2015 but maybe even in the early days. They bounced blame back and forth between them for YEARS. Not to mention all the outside bullshit. And obviously they didn't know what to do. The Waterloo/Stanley Park is another reference to a familiar place and a power to hurt/offer to comfort moment. I wish I knew if there was some sort of proper football reference here (aka a QPR reference since that's Peter's team) but I know absolutely nothing about sport so idk.

"Well I'm so glad we know just what to do / And no one's left / Stumbling around / Tumbling around / Fumbling around / In the dark" The way Peter sings this sounds so hopeful and sad at the same time. It's interesting to know this line was written way, way back. Like, this song was apparently one of the first ever songs they demoed. The demo is a lot more frantic and less romantic but jesus christ. The way Peter sings it now it's like he knows that was just an unconscious self-fulfilling prophecy. Like, no, they absolutely were left in the dark, hurting each other over and over and not being able/willing to place blame or to communicate. Except now, in 2015, they're not anymore. (and especially not now in 2021). But it's also another desire for comfort. Like, Peter's offering the comfort here. But he's also just confessed the power to hurt that Carl has. So this is also a "are you going to offer me comfort the way I've offered it to you?" sort of question.

And then there's the solo which. Woof. It feels like a response to Peter's words. Like reaching out with sound. Like a shoulder-squeeze or a hug in response, something nonverbal that’s really trying to catch up and match up to the intense emotions in the words. The music crescendos and the solo is literally waves of notes that roll up and down and up and then it crashes down but lands so softly at the feet of the chorus.

And then we have equal footing, sort of (and Carl as Jesus again). Carl is still Peter's Waterloo, his ultimate defeat (or his place of comfort). But now Peter is Carl's Calvary. Which is the place where Jesus was crucified. Peter’s been offering comfort to Carl, but suddenly Peter has power over Carl. It's like...veneration and threat at once. Carl's Jesus, the savior, but also if he doesn't love Peter, Peter has the power to crucify him (or at least threatens to have that power). Or it's another portent: Carl could be Peter's savior, except that everything falls apart and Carl ends up hurt instead. They both end up hurt instead. So then they're on equal footing.

Which brings them to the "Well I'm so glad we know just what to do," which feels a little sadder but also a little more confident than the other two. The answer is in the "Everyone's gonna be happy / But of course." They need to work to figure out how to make each other happy, how to be comfort rather than hurt. It's not that simple. It never is. The "But of course" is a sarcy acknowledgement of how difficult that actually is. But it's also that sort of quiet hopefulness that yeah, maybe soon we'll figure it out and everyone will be happy and will get to say "of course I'm happy" about it.

#i also did one for the Heart Of The Matter video if people are interested #the libertines #peter doherty #carl barat #apologies to the people who have been in this fandom for ages i apparently like diving straight into the deep end #when i get to a subject I like to learn EVERYTHING about it and totally immerse myself very quickly #i've known the basics of the libs story for a while now just from being into mildly related bands #and liking Peter's lyrics enough to research them a bit #but when i get into something new i do all the research on it as quickly and intensely as i can #also i'm just having fun #analyzing literature/lyrics/etc is what i like doing for fun #(PS I do most of my Libertines blogging on my other blog jesuisgourde)

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drunklander · 7 years

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 302

Ok I am so fucking glad I watched this episode after a bunch of beers. Because I basically just giggled through most of it and I’m fairly certain that wasn’t the reaction they were going for. Like lol, nothing matters. And lol I did. Literalol.

Basically this episode makes me look back on the rage I felt about Claire’s half of the story last week and just intensifies it. Like yep. We literally got an entire episode that was just about her placating Frank’s #manpain. Nothing centered actually on her and her grief of losing her husband and her son (Hey, remember Fergus? Yeah, show!Claire loved him a lot.) and everything she held dear. No moment to be with Bree, just the two of them, before spending two decades having to lie to her and keep her slightly at a distance. You know, it’s not like Bree was the entire reason Claire even went back through the stones, so Claire definitely shouldn’t get a moment to reflect on the crazy jumble of emotions that come along with finally meeting this baby. Nope, literally everything was about trying to be what Frank wanted her to be and Frank being a selfish idiot and making her feel like she wasn’t trying hard enough. (Fuck you, Frank.)

So now we’re on ep. 2! So I guess it’s time to forget about last week’s rage and move on to laughing about sentient dildos and hats named Wilson! Because if I don’t laugh about it, I’m really not sure how to feel about this episode? I liked it more than the premiere because it didn’t make me ragey but it still feels like we’re just checking off plot points so we can eventually get to the juicy stuff once they’re back together and like dive into that? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Scotland

Oh hey! It’s Red Jamie in the title card! Good thing they’re all plugging #dunbonnet on twitter because the best way to hid your super iconic red hair really is under a brown hat! Glad we established that right off the bat.

Remember though, if the show decides to throw the thing they’ve established as what is supposed to be happening out the window, we’re not supposed to call them out or else they’ll make fun of us in interviews. Because LOL NOTHING MATTERS.

Apparently Romann hit puberty at just the right time lol, because otherwise it’d be *rull* awk pretending like six years had past. But look he’s all tall now and sounds like teenager. A babyfaced teenager, but whatever.

Although listening to Fergus be all macho about killing a redcoat and remembering how fucked up he was telling Claire about it right after it happened makes me want to give him a hug. Like it’s ok that you’re still a little messed up about that, hun.

Also like you’d think that Ian would be more careful about not letting the kiddos see where he was hiding the gun? Because like of course the boys will try to find it?

“I’m here for the dunbonnet. He’s an outlaw that wears a brown hat to cover his distinctive red hair.” “Nope, def no one around here matching this description. There is 100% literally no one around here using a brown hat to cover their distinctive red hair. I guarantee it.”

Maybe a tad too heavy-handed with the whole setting up Fergus for the Scottish redcoats showdown, but whatever. Like he got by on his wits and stuff as a pickpocket but now he’s fine just being like lol fuck you, dude, even though you’re arresting the head of the estate and looking for milord. Anyway…

Oh hey! It’s Jamie! Who is definitely not hiding his distinctive red hair. Because lol nothing matters! It’s not like the redcoats are always around looking for him and arresting Ian.

Hai, Claire. You look much better in this century than the 20th. This little vision didn’t feel as impactful as the one on the battlefield for me though? Idk. I guess I like it? I’m indifferent to it because I’m distracted by the ridiculous hair?

Seriously, I’m sure Sam’s performance in this episode was amazing, but the fucking hair was so distracting and over the top that I feel like I missed out on a lot of what was actually important.

“You scared the bowels out of me! They’ve taken Ian again. So maybe you shouldn’t be coming down in the middle of the day when the redcoats so recently left.” “Sun’s out, Dun’s out.” “What? Did you just…” “Just go with it, Jenny.”

“The dunbonnet, that’s what they’ve taken to calling you now. Soon enough you’ll have ballads sung in your honor.” No no, show. You don’t get brownie points for throwing in a fanservicey line like that, referencing how they find him during this period in the book. Nope. You decided that he wasn’t going to hide his hair, even though apparently he’s known for hiding his hair. So lol nothing matters, he’s just a sad guy who lives in a cave and has an odd attachment to a grubby brown hat. It’s name is Wilson, naturally. No brownie points for you, show.

Jamie and Wilson are the best of friends. Jamie even wears Wilson inside the cave! Some may say their bond is a tad codependent, but they’re really each other’s only friends.

Except sorry, Wilson, but Jamie needs to go into disapproving Da mode. You don’t mind taking a step back do you? No offense, Wilson, but it’s a family thing. No of course you’re family too, Wilson! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to offend you!

“I want to learn to shoot, milord. And if you don’t teach me, I’ll probs just learn by osmosis in the next few minutes anyway because #plot.”

Ok so Fergus in this scene kind of just came off as a moody teenager until he called Jamie a coward. But man, that line. To Fergus, Jamie has given up. Claire’s gone, and Jamie’s living in a cave and it’s like he has lost both of his parents. Jamie called him a son but then left him with Jenny. And I’m sure that Fergus loves Jenny and Jenny loves Fergus, but man. I do not begrudge Fergus some anger aimed at Jamie.

“Sir! Didna ken you were expected today. And oh my, you’re hair! Those long, flowing locks! Where’s Wilson?!” “Red hair, don’t care.” “What, sir?” “Just go with it, Mary.”

I should be feeling things in this episode about Jamie basically hitting rock bottom, except I’m not. Because of that ridiculous hair and the show trying too hard to force a book thing while simultaneously not giving a single fuck about actually making that thing happen. They could have just skipped the whole dunbonnet thing and just had Jamie be a wanted man. But no. They decided to both go all in on the dunbonnet thing while also not going in at all on the dunbonnet thing and I cannot take you seriously even a little bit right now, show. Sorry not sorry. You brought this on yourself with your absurd wig choices.

“See Jamie, it’s cool that you didn’t teach Fergus how to shoot. He already knows how from watching Murtagh!” “Shut up, Wilson, you’re not helping.”

Nice shot, Fergus! It’s totally believable that you hit that bird in one shot having probs never actually fired a gun before! Way more believable than having you just shoot the gun and the bird flying away because you missed.

Although I’m glad they had someone other than Jamie shoot the damn thing. Because it always bugged me that Jamie did it in the book because he should have known better. I mean, Fergus should have known better too, but I guess I find it easier to accept a kid fucking up than a man who knows he’ll probs be killed if he gets caught.

Oh hai, Young Ian! I heart you! Slash we’re totally just forgetting the kids between Young Jamie and Young Ian because everything is so rushed, I guess. Because we had Maggie in ep. 113 and Kitty in ep. 208 and it’s totally cool if we skip the twins because honestly whatever, Jenny and Ian’s kids aren’t really all that important in the grand scheme of things. Except Michael’s apparently important enough that his wife manages to get her very own continuity fuck up in the books. *pounds beer because this is all silly and honestly, who cares*

“How long’s it been since you’ve lain with a woman, Jamie?” “It’s been a long while, I gotta say. You know, I love Claire so much. And you know, she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. And with Wilson around, it’d get kind of awkward to bring someone back to the mancave. Roommates, amiright? The worst.”

Joking aside, I do really like Jamie in this scene. Like he’s been quiet and brooding and stuff all episode, but this is the first time you can really appreciate just how much he is holding on to his pain and loneliness. Because he doesn’t have Claire, all he has is her memory and the pain he feels because he’s lost her. So he won’t give that up. I feel some feelings.

“I won’t marry. Ever again.” I really think he means that. Like I absolutely believe that in this moment, Jamie never means to ever get married again. I’m still very interested to see how they’re going to play it when he does…

“It’s god’s sorrow you never had the chance to bring a child into this world.” Gah, Jenny, way to inadvertently sack-whack your brother in the feels.

I really don’t like Jenny in this episode, guys. Like she’s pulling a Frank and making it all about what she thinks Jamie should be doing rather than what Jamie needs. Don’t be like Frank, Jenny. Frank is the worst. This show doesn’t need two Franks.

Slash I like that Jamie hasn’t told Jenny about Faith or Bree though? Because she def wouldn’t be saying this shit if she knew, I hope… But it shows just how closely he’s keeping those memories? They’re too precious to share with anyone because they’re all he has left of his children?

“I just want you to have some happiness.” Oh Jenny, you mean well, but you’re not helping here. Please just stop talking.

I get that there aren’t really any good hiding spots on that hallway, but that is a really shitty hiding spot.

And I get that they have to get across how dangerous the redcoats are and how fucked up this period in Scotland is, but these guys going out to look for the body of a dead baby is a bit over the top. But at least they didn’t have Young Jamie in the room for this like he was in the book? Because I’m all for not unnecessarily traumatizing a child. Good job, show.

I love Mary MacNab. Like she just goes in there and is like yep, it’s my gun, here it is, here’s my story. And has no clue how it’s going to play out but it’s a risk she’s willing to take and you have balls of steel, Mary MacNab. I’m glad they gave her actual stuff to do in the episode besides just what happens at the end. Guys, I just really love Mary MacNab and I ship her with happiness so fucking hard.

Oh, so Mary’s no threat, but better go look for the dead baby of the woman who has clearly just given birth. Ok, rando English douchebag.

Slash you really couldn’t wait an extra two seconds to move, Jamie? Really? For a dude who has been hiding in a cave for six years, you kind of suck at hiding. But then again, Wilson could have told me that.

“Take a shovel. Dig a grave in the cemetery in case they look. Maybe take Wilson with you, since the redcoats literally just left and are probably still around. You should maybe try tucking your hair up to hide it this time too. You know, to at least *try* to disguise yourself.” “I can’t, Jenny. My hair, it won’t all fit.” “Well, you see there are these things called scissors…” “Enough, Jenny. You’ve said enough.”

Ok Ian coming back and being like “it’s been a lovely visit, gentlemen” kind of kills me. Because like obviously these repeat stints in jail are taking their toll (seriously, that wig, and also the disease that will eventually kill him). But like Rupert, he’s going to keep his dignity. Because it’s literally the only thing he has left.

It’s definitely in character for the Fergus in this episode that he’d get caught because he’s being impulsive and reckless, leading the soldiers around. But I’m still not sure how I feel about this Fergus? I guess I can get why he’s like this? Like after six years of living like this and Jamie’s off camping with Wilson and Claire’s gone and Ian keeps getting taken away? Yeah, I guess I understand this Fergus? Maybe?

Ok but when Fergus points at himself when he says the Scottish redcoats are betraying their own people. Just kill me with feels, Fergus. The Scots *are* your people, lil buddy. I have feelings.

“Dinna be feart. Fergus, laddie. I watched milady do this many times.” OMG JAMIE USING CLAIRE TO BOTH SAVE HIM AND COMFORT HIM. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.

Did we really have to pan over to the hand? No. But it’s this show so of course they panned over to the hand.

And Jamie def had a dead rabbit when he ran down to save Fergus and now I’m annoyed that I’m noticing these damn rabbits and birds and shit. Like I doubt whatever payoff is coming from them is going to be worth being taken out of the moment whenever one is on screen.

But Jamie collapsing here and finally hitting rock bottom is where I actually started taking this episode seriously. Because Fergus could have died. And Jamie was powerless to help him. And the redcoats threatened Jenny. And Jamie was powerless to help her. And Ian keeps getting taken away. And Jamie was powerless to help him. Jamie loves his family and would do anything for them. It’s like one of his defining traits. And he’s lost the family who matter most to him, and his mere existence near the family he has left is now what’s putting them in danger and he literally cannot stand it anymore and it breaks him and why is my face wet.

In an episode that keeps just rushing from one thing to the next, I’m glad that they let this scene with Fergus and Jamie slow down and breathe a little. “You remind me I have something to fight for.” Gah, Da!Jamie hits me where I’m weak. And Fergus keeping on his brave face and making jokes about whisky and wine. This poor kid, I want to hug him.

Ok but when Jamie says “you can trust me to keep that bargain” he’s like basically saying goodbye to Fergus, right? Because he pretty much knows he’s going to give himself up, right? Because that’s the best way he can take care of his family because they’re all that matters to him and after wanting to die so badly and then spending six years not dying, if he dies now and it keeps them safe then it’s still as worth it to Jamie as if he had died at Culloden? This scene makes me feel things, guys.

I love this scene with Ian too. So fucking much. “Feeling a pain in a part of ye that’s lost…and that’s just a hand. Claire was yer heart.” Gah, Ian. Right in the feels. He’s so much better at this than Jenny.

I’m really, really glad they made it so Jenny was the person who turns in Jamie rather than some rando. And Ian with the fun fact about not hanging them anymore. I do think Jamie was ready to die though.

“Jamie, have ye not seen the inside of enough prisons for one lifetime?” “Little difference to the prison I live in now.” And he’s not talking about the cave, Jenny. I love how Ian *gets* it. Jenny? I’m torn with how much she gets it and just doesn’t want to accept it vs. how much she just has a different outlook on things… But all things considered, I really do not like her in this episode and I really don’t like how she just pulls a Frank at every turn. It’s not about you, Jenny. It’s about Jamie. This is the best choice there is so just fucking support him in his decision.

Ok I love that Mary makes him look (and feel) like a person again and I like that he recognizes and respects what she did with the redcoats. Like the bit of respect between them makes a scene I already love even better.

But for real, I know I’ve been silly about the ridic hair, but the hair was ridic and now that it’s gone you can finally see all the emotion on Jamie’s face and it makes me sad that this was pretty much hidden for the rest of the episode by that terrible wig.

The actual scene with Mary is basically exactly like how it was in the book but omg it’s awkward and sweet and perfect and I love it so fucking much.

“You can look at me if you’d like.” “Ye’re a bonnie lass. It’s just something I always do.” No, Mary, he can’t look at you. Because they needed that parallel with Claire. But what they inadvertently also did was have him tell you that he keeps his eyes closed while he jacks off in the cave. Wilson keeps his eyes closed too.

Ok so obvi Jamie and Jenny are acting until she gets to “Ye gave me no choice, brother! And I’ll never forgive you.” I think she really means that in the moment. And seriously, Jenny? I get that you have issues with Jamie’s choice, but there’s a chance you’re never going to see him again and you have to send him off knowing that? I’m so over Jenny in this episode. Especially compared to Ian, she’s just not working for me.

Ending on Scotland the Brave playing over Jamie’s face as he’s being carted away is a tad on the nose, show.

Boston

So glad they’re showing Claire masturbating. She’s a sexual person, and after basically completely losing her agency last week, it’s nice to see her taking care of herself and that that part of her is still there.

Also is it bad that I kind of wish Frank heard her? Like after all of his “but what about meeee” bullshit last week and what Claire needed being completely disregarded, I kind of wish he could hear her not needing him while not thinking about him. Fuck you, Frank.

Also you can def see Sam’s fingers between his legs as he grabs his junk before he squats down and I can’t stop lol’ing over it.

So Bree has a toy bunny? Because Jamie’s thing is a bunny this season? Or whatever? Idk, who cares. I feel like the show wants me to have feelings about this, but I don’t.

Oh look, Claire’s still reading the Globe despite Dean Ubermisogynist’s opinions. Because of course she is. Because why the fuck wouldn’t you keep reading the damn paper. Dean Ubermisogynist means nothing. But you’re trying way too hard to be cute with the story being about Ireland, show.

Ok but her face there with Frank is like, “Hmm, I don’t want *you*, but you have a penis. And one of those could come in handy when my fingers get tired.”

Ok but I literally started lol’ing just at the shot of her staring at Frank. Like hi, “I miss my husband.” No, not you. Jamie. I miss Jamie. You know, my husband who I love and fantasize about while you sleep and will never get over no matter how much of a dick to me you are about him? You’re basically a sentient dildo. Now just lay there while I get off thinking of a glorious ginger. I’m on top. Obviously.

It reminds me of the pilot. “When the war ended, we both thought things would return to the way they once were, but they hadn’t. … Sex was our bridge back to one another. The one place where we always met. Whatever obstacles presented themselves during the day or night, we could seek out and find each other again in bed. As long as we had that, I had faith everything would work out.” So yeah, five years apart during a war and things were not getting back to how they used to be. So clearly after three additional years during which Claire fell in love with someone else and had their kid, it’s totally a good idea to stay together… Right. *eye roll* Anywho… The main point of bringing that line up is that sorry, Frank, but the magic sex bridge was demolished. You see, Wilson needed the parts to help maintain his structural integrity while hiding all that luscious, ginger hair. Oh wait, what? Wilson isn’t hiding anything? Oh right. THE SEX BRIDGE PROBS NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED EVEN IF CLAIRE DIDN’T GO THROUGH THE STONES BECAUSE SEX DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT FRANK WANTED AN ACCESSORY, NOT AN EQUAL. AND IT SURE AS SHIT ISN’T WORKING NOW BECAUSE CLAIRE DOESN’T LOVE YOU, FRANK, AND SHE WAS STRAIGHT WITH YOU FROM THE JUMP AND YOU JUST COULDN’T FUCKING ACCEPT THAT. SO YOU WANTED PHYSICAL CONTACT? THIS IS THE PHYSICAL CONTACT YOU GET. Good on you, Claire, for taking what you need, how you need it, on your terms.

For real though, after two seasons of Frank being a fucking piece of shit and reducing what Jamie and Claire had to just fucking, it’s nice to see him *actually* getting just fucking. Like you serve no real purpose here, Frank. She just needs your dick to hold still for a few minutes while she does her thing and then you can go.

Oh we’re doing this again? I mean, ok. You do you, Claire.

“Claire, look at me. Claire, open your eyes.” “I’m sorry, what part of sentient dildo did you not understand? Why have you stopped?” “Y-you–you never used to close your eyes when we made love.” “It doesn’t mean anything. Just that I don’t love you and I’m literally just using you for your penis because I like sex a lot, just not with you but you’re what I have so kindly shut up and let me finish. Seriously. ‘Sentient. Dildo.’ I don’t know how much clearer I can make your role here.”

“I’m enjoying this.” “Are you?” “Of course. But less and less by the moment. You really can’t just take the win, can you. You’re getting laid. Yes, it’s because I wanted to fantasize about someone else, but really you were a literal beggar so now you can’t be a chooser.” “Then why can’t you look at me?” “Christ, Frank, why the fuck do you think? If you’re not in the mood, you just had to say and I’ll gladly go upstairs and take care of business myself. Geez, you are useless.”

I am *so here* for her reducing Frank to what he keeps accusing Jamie of being to her. Fuck you, Frank.

“When I’m with you, I’m with you. But you’re with him.” No shit, Frank, and she hasn’t made a secret of the fact that she loves him more than you. I still have a very hard time accepting that she stayed with your sorry ass. But you know that ultimatum from last week? Well it works both ways. If you don’t want to be a human sex toy, fucking leave. But it’s all good. She’ll have purpose in her life again soon and won’t have to bother you. And then you’ll die. And we can be one step closer to the good stuff.

Ok so I love that the line from the book about loving Jamie and being part of something more was included, and it definitely works to be like oh look, Claire’s gonna do something meaningful for her damn self. And I’m actually glad that we just jumped right to med school? Instead of like having a fight with Frank about it? Because fuck Frank? Who gives a flying fuck about Frank or his opinions? This is Claire’s life and her choice and fuck yeah, Claire, go be a surgeon.

HAI JOE, CLAIRE REALLY NEEDS A FRIEND. YOU TWO SHOULD BE FRIENDS AND I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH YOU BE FRIENDS. YAY FOR FRIENDS WHO RESPECT EACH OTHER AS EQUALS.

Idgaf about Bree’s bunny being wedged behind the bed. Why did I have to read the thing about birds and bunnies…

YAAAS separate beds. Sorry, Frank. Since you were so opposed to your sentient dildo duties, Claire went off and found her true purpose in life and now she doesn’t need you at all. Her little smile right before she rolls away from him is my everything. Bye, Felicia.

And yes, I did try to use the words “sentient dildo” as many times as possible in this dumpster fire of a recap. Sorry not sorry. #SentientDildo

I’m gonna go ahead and take Claire giving the piper money as a bit of a fuck you to Frank and her entire existence back in the 20th century up until this point. Plus a fuck yeah she’s going to go to med school. And fuck yeah she’s going to reach her full potential in the profession she was born for. And fuck yeah she doesn’t need Frank and she’s done playing his bullshit mindgames. And fuck yeah she’ll take a minute and remember Scotland and everything it means to her any damn time she pleases.

This still doesn’t make up for the rage I felt about how she was treated last week. Jamie got two episodes about him processing his grief and loss on his own terms and Claire definitely got shortchanged. Le sigh. Whatever.

#*#drunj!der yells about outlander #outlander starz #outlander 3x02

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