#again is fucking stupid as a shit bc obviously liking girls is not more masculine than liking guys and ofc i don't actually believe that

[chaotic-history]

i am. thinking about the barbie movie

#am gonna regret writing this later but. being trans is a special breed of feeling like you have to prove your masculinity #and it's extra fucked up cause whenever you feel like that you immediately feel like shit afterwards cause you know the other side and you #grew up knowing you were queer and now you feel like you're being antithetical to what the queer community is all about and the progress it #has made. like obviously [insert any number of things lol] does not make someone any less of a man. you know that and you know that you'd #never judge anyone else by that standard but at the same time clearly you still fucking believe in it since you judge yourself by it and #what if you're just judging other people unconsciously #and this ties back in to the movie cause the end w ken also rebrought up the question of 'do i actually want a romantic relationship or do #just feel like i *should* have one' and i'm kind of leaning towards the second option. bc it feels Good but in like.. i don't even know how #to describe it. like it's what i should be doing but not because *i* actually want to personally? #and i know that whatever kind/amount of attraction i have is bi but whenever i imagine the kind of relationship that would feel most 'right #(in that weird way) it's always w a girl. which is literally fucking just the beginning of these tags restated. bc that feels like the thin #i 'should' be doing as a guy (lmfaooo mistyped that as gay 💀) n i think the 'this feels right' is literally just gender euphoria which #again is fucking stupid as a shit bc obviously liking girls is not more masculine than liking guys and ofc i don't actually believe that #but then clearly i fucking DO because why the hell else would i feel that way for myself #anyway gonna go play in traffic 🙃 dear god please hit me with a bus. thanks

[nicollekidman]

hi abby love your work! my one thing that's confusing me re: a possible dean reciprocation is the script itself? reading it to me really just felt like they had to shoehorn in a compromise between what the fans wanted and what jensen didn't want (ending up with like "he's sad but he can't reciprocate because he's Straight which is still fine b/c cas self-actualized") idk what jensen's been up to the last few years but that seems to track with what i remember from my time being super into spn??

love my work skdfjhgj thanks! okay so like. this is really complicated and obviously involves an equal amount of conjecture from my side and it got stupid long so i’m hiding it!!! yikes!!

but the “jensen hates deancas and is disgusted by gay fans” thing is sooo skdjfh like. okay. NOT where he is right now based on like. the last five years of conventions and interviews but mostly based on stuff he said like 7/8 years ago right when destiel was picking up steam. a hyper-masculine man dealing with girls coming up to him and asking him to sign fanfic and essays and various things saying things about dean that he hadn’t considered before bc he thought he was playing a macho cowboy might do some really shitty stuff and i’m NOT saying people haven’t deal with crap from him before. but he’s been playing this for 10 years. people actually can wake the fuck up and change their behavior and i definitely think jensen is a case of this. like he IS my homophobic texas king but i don’t think he’s in that same space anymore, although he does deserve flack for that obviously. like as a person??? he’s not the same anymore and can i say thank fuck. wife. <3 supernatural is riddled with homophobia and i’m not an idiot i would never say otherwise but jensen himself? has figured shit out. 

as for the script and how DEAN feels in canon...... scripts aren’t fanfic. they don’t have space for long exposition especially when actors are very deep into their characters and know how they would react. again i’ll just say. it doesn’t say dean DOESN’T reciprocate, it says he CAN’T. we can just as much say “dean is unable to articulate a response in the moment because he has just been bombarded with so much devastating information in such a short amount of time he’s basically not functioning right now” as we can say “he's sad but he can't reciprocate because he's Straight which is still fine b/c cas self-actualized”. 

like i would argue that everything CONTEXTUALLY happening around the both of them just in this final season and scene itself gives us confirmation that dean DOES feel the same way. he says “why does this sound like a goodbye” “don’t do this cas” not in a “don’t be gross and say you love me” way he’s saying WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOURSELF AWAY FROM ME. he understands as cas is talking that he is purposefully saying goodbye and going away!!!! and when has dean winchester ever in a decade been able to look cas in the face and SAY with his WORDS “don’t go”. we’ve seen this exact scenario again and again and again and in fact it’s the only place logically for his narrative to go. amara said she thought bringing mary back would help dean let go of his anger, but it didn’t. dean said he didn’t know what was real and true about his life, and less than 24 hours before this scene he pulled a GUN on his BROTHER because he didn’t see another way to be free of the maze. a few weeks ago he was sobbing on his hands and knees in the forest telling cas that he didn’t understand where his anger was coming from and that he should’ve asked cas to stay. 

dean CAN’T reciprocate here because the reciprocation is going to be the culmination of his character arc in the show. the circumstances of cas’s confession were about cas, they were set up so cas could have his moment. but they’re all of dean’s worst fears realized. he’s powerless while his best friend in the world is sacrificing himself for him AGAIN! and dean can’t do anything! he’s hearing castiel say “i know you don’t feel the same way about me and that’s fine i know we can never be together but you are so loving and selfless and everything good you see in me comes from YOU and i won’t be here with you anymore but it’s enough just to say it” and dean is staring there. dealing with a) the fact that castiel has never been truly happy before this moment b) dean has never once been able to save castiel or stop him from going c) cas is utterly convinced beyond everything that dean doesn’t feel the same way and d) the second cas stops talking he’s going to willingly leave dean forever. dean. who just hours ago was ready to DUST GOD HIMSELF for taking control of dean’s life away from him. so no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he can’t reciprocate!!!!!!!!!! but there are two whole episodes left and dean has been struggling for seasons to properly articulate everything that cas just said about him, that he feels things more deeply than any human he’s ever met, that he cares more and loves more than anyone. we know that about dean but dean has never believed it about himself enough to say anything. AND ONCE AGAIN.... CAS CUT HIM OFF. dean’s last word to cas was his own name, and cas cut him off, just like he did in purgatory when dean said “there’s something i have to tell you”. the script leaves complete negative space where dean’s side of the conversation should be and that’s not because jensen is homophobic or dean is disgusted by cas it’s that dean’s entire arc is about building up the courage to HAVE his side of the conversation. so let’s. revisit this in a week or two shall we? 

#spn #Anonymous #this is an insane post and i recognize that but yeet #anyways we bEEN knew that spn is riddled with like #all the structural problems you could think of but this isnt going the direction everyone is assuming and the backlash against jensen is #SO funny

[substantial-exposure]

Headcanon request: How would the Bowers Gang react to their girlfriend's (poly or individual, I don't mind which one you choose ^^) ex - who is still her best friend but obviously likes her/calls her petnames - coming to visit her from their home town? What about when that ex tries to distract their girlfriend from hanging out with the Bowers Gang?

I wrote this as poly but it can not be I just didn't section these off tbh

TW: normal stuff for the boys, smoking, drinking , cursing, homophobic slurs, Patrick, blood probably

---------

Bro it's on sight

They find out he's coming back up for the summer and they're so annoyed

Like they're just fucking vibrating with annoyance

Bc Henry wants to rip his fucking head off and he knows he can't

So he just sits in his agitation with the rest of the boys

You only started collectively dating the Bowers gang six months ago but you've all been friends for way longer

So they knew this bitch from stories

And those said summer visits

And none of them liked him even back then

They had to deal with the aftermath of that prick

Granted it turned you into the person you were

But still

He hurt you

He hurt what was theirs

And that wasn't gonna slide

The boys are the only ones allowed to call you pet names.

But anyway

They all first met when they were 14 (Patrick was 16)

At the time Vic and Pat were the only ones who called you 'pet names'

But those were more of a joking manner

Say Vic was teasing you he'd use them in a demeaning manor

Patrick was still trying to laid so he's mostly the same

So when Calvin called you 'baby cakes'?

They all collectively almost burst a blood vessel

Vic was the only person who called you that.

So hearing it leave that boys mouth?

Obviously he had a death wish

It only grew with time

You had told the boys that Calvin was coming up this summer

The last two years he couldn't one due to his family vacation and the other on your summer school classes

However the entire gang was blackout drunk when you told them

So no one remembered

Henry was going to your house to hang out with you and he saw this kid in your house so he played dumb

But he still knew who it was he wasn't stupid

You answered the door and let him in, immediately he had an arm around you.

This bitch really sat down at the kitchen table and looked at this guy knowing damn well who he was and said

"Hey sweets? Who's the fag?"

"Henry... This is Calvin... you've met him before"

"I think I would of remembered you hanging out with a queer."

You snickered and covered your mouth, hitting his arm gently

"Henry that's mean"

"Do I give a shit?"

Que Henry kissing the side of your head.

This kid was dead silent. Whenever you weren't looking he was glaring and sending daggers at Henry

If Henry didn't have the slightest bit of self control that he did have?

He'd of fucked the kid up right there in your kitchen

But he knew that you'd kill him if he did that

So he refrained and just made passive aggressive digs at him every chance he could.

Henry was generous like that

If Patrick heard about this guy coming up he'd be on the fence

Patrick made jokes about a three way when you were drunk and talking about it

He expected your plans to fall through like that had the last two times

Oh but they didn't fall through

And you didn't tell him about it?

He was fucking livid

When he saw you and him walking while he was out on the town getting a mouse for his (unofficial) pet snake?

To avoid interruptions like Henry, Calvin thought to take you out on the town

So last minute plans

Out on the town surely Henry wouldn't find you there

Calvin didn't know about the rest of the boys

It was over for you once Patrick saw

He let go of that fucking rodent so fast

Immediately he was on you, wrapping himself around you in a hug that was mostly groping

All of his snarky attitude and smirks were on full display

Those looming looks that would make anyone freeze

Yeah Calvin was annoyed and felt a faint sense of dread creep in

Patrick didn't even say anything yet and Calvin was shaking

His arms slipped to your waist while her rested his chin on your shoulder.

"Hey there sweetheart ... thought I smelt your perfume. Say, who's this"

"Henry said the same, This is Calvin. My friend from Welton"

Really goes to show how much they pay attention when you talk (atleast you thought he wasn't paying attention)

But as soon as you name dropped him Patrick remembered everything

He remembered when you got that breakup letter in the mail

God he remembered those tears,

You looked so pretty with your mascara running

Patrick definitely jacks off to that memory but you didn't hear that from me

"Oh Calvin the cocksucker! I forgot what that fag looked like" he said reaching his hand out to Calvin to shake

"I'm (y/n's) boyfriend, nice to see you again" he said with a wolfish grin

Patrick stayed with you guys the rest of the afternoon and accompanied in walking you home

He wanted some alone time with Calvin

The threats that left that boys mouth were enough to scare the boy to his core

You think he'd of laid off right?

Nope.

He most certainly had a death wish

Two days later you and Calvin were hanging out in the woods

Just on a hike having a grand old time

That's when you saw Vic across the shallow water of the Barrens

Smiling he waved to him but he didn't see you

His face was shoved in a book

Your guess would be some Oscar Wilde book

Yeah

Vic is that bitch

But nevertheless that boy was invested

"Vic!" You called out and his head shot up, immediately he was on his feet and ready

Poor boy thought he was about to be jumped

That's when he squinted and saw you across the water

The smile that crossed his face while you picked up the sides of your dress to quickly dash through the water and see him?

Yeah his heart melted

"Hey there babycakes" he chuckled and wrapped an arm around your waist while using his other hand to hold your chin and bring you in for a quick but tender kiss

He pulled back and looked at you then back to Calvin.

"Oh he's still here?"

"Yeah why wouldn't he be"

"Nothing Patrick said something.. and I guess I misunderstood"

"Oh what did he say?"

"Nothing don't worry about it okay, (y/n)?"

From there your hike was accompanied with the dashing blonde

Calvin was trying to hide his anger

How many fucking guys were you leading on?

How many guys were you sleeping with?

He was seriously starting to rethink his feelings and wanting you back

Vic's hand slipped into yours as he began to speak to you about his book

The way he spoke about it was so soothing you couldn't help but listen and nod along

Calvin just walked behind you silently fuming

He was so fucking done with this

But that's not even the best part

When you guys reached your house that night, belch was sitting on your Porch with his car parked in the driveway

Calvin almost lost it

He had to see you run up to Reggie and hug him then kiss his cheek

This was crazy

And immediately both boys could see the jealousy and anger in the other males eyes

So that's what was going on

Belch had offered to hang out with you that night and he intended to do just that

Vic offered to walk Calvin back

You weren't stupid you knew that Vic wanted to talk with Cal

I'm all honesty you let him have it because it was easier to have him get out that masculine possessiveness he absolutely needed to get out of his system.

Besides it was easier to play dumb then face the problem right now

Now you didn't hear it from me

But Vic punched him that night.

Yeah

As soon as you and belch were out of his peripheral view he spoke up

"So you crushin' on my girl?"

"What- no"

"Hey I get it. I mean look at her. She's a doll but I'm gonna tell you this now. If you try one more time for what you've been trying to do all week I promise you you won't like the consequences. I'll make your life hell. Understand"

"What are you and your crew gonna do? Huh?"

Vic soaked him.

"Go. I won't be as nice next time"

Calvin went to the only motel in town where he and his mother were staying

He was leaving tomorrow

You were sad about it, you had fun when the boys weren't being dicks to him

You also did have a bit of fun when they were too

Calvin was going for his morning walk just enjoying the sights of the quiet and yet noisy town

He was lost in his own world until he heard the roar of an engine

There was a car coming straight for him.

All four of the boys were in the car (not really in it exactly)

Henry had the window down and was sitting in the space where the glass should be

Patrick and Vic was half out of the car

They began screaming to him until Calvin fell to the ground, scraped up

Vic threw his lit cigarette at the boy and Patrick laughed

Henry's voice was the loudest as they assaulted him with slurs.

"Stay the fuck out of my town. And away from my girl!"

Belch proceeded to speed off while Henry spit back at the boy

Let's just say your letters to Calvin take a lot longer than normal now...

#patrick hockstetter #bowers gang #henry bowers #patrick hockstetter x reader #henry bowers x reader #vic criss #vic criss x reader #belch huggins x reader #belch huggins

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

[kavurtz]

I like girls.

This mainly for me I can’t write this in my notes bc my mom checks it sooo yea. If you know me n you read this I don’t care lel

I think being gay ain’t a choice. As I grow I realize that shit isn’t I used to think it was and if you really wanted to if you were a girl you could just stop liking women or if your a dude you can stop liking a dude. As a child looking back I was fr in denial.

I like a girl on my bus. Her hair was naturally curly and she had a beautiful smile. She always wore cherry lipgloss and it made her face shine fr. She was kind..and always gave me a snack on the bus. She was a junior while I was a 7th grader.. and I know she was straight as a pole too. I thought about her a lot and uh well I would always tel myself why am I thinking of a girl gross. I suppressed feelings for girls through the whole year. If I saw a gay couple I would always tell myself to see that it’s disgusting and bad. Moving on into 8th grade year.

I was 14 and I invited a girl I liked to my birthday party! Her name was jada her skin glowed under the sunlight fr. Skin was smooth too and a nice dark chocolate. I really liked her personality she was super cool to talk to man and she was super funny I did everything with her. At the party you know my dumb self I can’t really hide if I like someone..maybe acting kinda flirtatious with movements and touchyness? Ion know lol. But my mom noticed. I was stare at jada just analyze her. That whole day felt everyone was moving in slow motion while I was going real time. After the party which was awesome btw my mom took me home..best birthday turned into the fucking worst one in 2 seconds

TRAMATIZING

I remeber this day vividly. Shit was traumatizing. My mom sat me down at the dinning table said that she wanted to talk. That’s never good so I just sat down in fear. She asked me “Do you like Jada” in denial I obviously told her no and said stupid shit like being gay is wrong and I could never like a girl that’s against the Bible! My mom didn’t believe one word of it though. She said “if I find out you are gay like women or ever want to be a man or whatever you will be kicked out of this house and we will never accept you you will be a disappointment to the whole family” I stomached that awfully. I ran to my room bro lmao and just cried the whole night. I told myself I can choose to not like girls so I just kept telling myself bro you like boys boys are cool girls are nasty you could never date a girl. I always had that in my mind and it ruined me forever. No like actually that shit fucked me up I started doing shit I was not supposed to do thinking I was going around my feelings bro. Anyways FAST FORAWRD TO 9th grade

9th grade was actually a hella good year for me no cap. I met some awesome freinds and even have a new click with them along with many others. But there’s this certain girl bro NOW NOW WAIT let me tell you sim bro my taste in girls completely like FLIPPED I used to clown girls who wore like stripped crop tops and vans and those like boot shoes irl that softgirl awesthetic look. Something like that. But now that’s the type of girls I like. Dorky girls that dress like that. I used to like girls that were “bad” wore the most on brand clothes like Nike and shit like there fit was nice as hell. Now don’t get me wrong I still love that fashion I just prefer the other one WAYYY more. Yoooo anyway. I’m in 9th grade in band and like there’s this girl she play the clarinet and like she has grey blue eyes her eyes pretty asab I don’t care. She’s a dork lol she is goofy and dances funny out of no where idk why she does that but she does lol. Now listen man I’m not a creep! But I would just stare at her sometimes at like games for football just stare at her idk why but I did I liked looking at her eyes a lot bc they were pretty THATS it. She found out i liked her tho idk who the hell either told her or if she found out by herself but uh ye I didn’t really care tho cuz I was like I can’t like girls anyway that’s gross ha ha ha bull shIT. Bru it was even worse cuz she had a whole ass girl bro I did not give a FUCK 😂😂 nahhh fast forward again. Her and her girlfreind like broke up like her girl broke up with her. And I remeber getting that text and I always joke around saying if that happened I would YESSSIRRR AYEEE LETSSS GOOO but I was actually upset. I was like bro what the hell? I got to school n like she was there crying. I would have comforted her more but I just kinda stood down and said I was sorry and that everything would be alright. Everytime I saw that girl I was mad at her giving her ugly looks man I was so mad 😂😂 but why was I feeling like this bro idk! I just was! I still kinda feel bad but everything happen for a reason man but uh let’s unpack that that girl was the actuall like ACTUALL first girl I liked her fashion personality and all that shit was perfect 😂 we still go to school together I’m in the 10th grade I don’t like her anymore tho but she is a good friend of mine

ALRIGHT this for me. Listen man! As of right now today you are confused lol. You don’t really know who you are and you still teynna figure it out and that’s ok! You like girls and that’s ok. Do you know why you like girls? Let’s give all the reasons..reason 1 because you can reason 2 because you can reason 3 BECAUSE YOU CAN! It’s just how you feel it sucks hc you really tried running away from that truth saying I can choose to not but guess what you always end up right back here 😂 liking another female 😂😂 damnnn bro I know parents ain’t accepting and that shit is tough but maybe one day ONE day they will come around I hope man they are so homophobic it’s scary literally can’t even sing a song without my dad being transphobic.. nah but fr didn’t god make us this way..? Wouldn’t he know this was gonna happen? God makes no mistakes and here I am he made me a female but I feel like a boy I ask god everyday what is going on and what do I do am I supposed to be feeling this way? I have not gotten my answer yet but don’t worry god will asnwer I don’t feel comfortable being a girl that’s why we always pretended to be someone else and that shit isn’t cool nor good for us. I’m happy to say we stopped doing that shit and that we finally trying to be ourselves we even changed our HAIR to look more masculine ahaha we look good now time for the fashion. Go shopping with freinds because you can only shop comfortably with them shopping with mom sucks bc she judge everything you pick and say it too boyish ugh I hate that saying like god damn. I wish I could wear polos and tuxes n shit I hate wearing dresses and skirts bro it’s awful! NAH BUT LOOK BRO WE WORKIN ON OURSELF YEEESSSIR ! I’m logging that shit everyday! IM NOT TRYNNA LOOK LIKE LIL TECCA BUT UHHH MY LEGS AINT IT I HATE THEM 😂 we gettin their tho it take time by the time I a junior i want people to see a change 😂 one last thing is never do sum you uncomfortable with. You stay doing that for other people and it’s trashy 😑 ok well I’m going it’s uh 11/19/20 sooo yeeee! See you in 2021 Kayden ! Check back wihh ty me with the date

Ok no more

[m-herra]

🖊+Helex and Elsinaire?

Omg i forgot about these

Edit: I stg tumblr doesn't post right.

Helex Duilenus

A guard from Cyrodiil training under Commander Maro to guard the Emperor Titus Mede II

Tries very hard to be a good imperial soldier and guard but maybe a bit too hard, he's soon sent to stay with Whiterun Guards Elsinaire and Lovionl Adus to learn how to actually be a likeable guard

Tbh he's pretty young so its a bit understandable why he's trying to be "by the book" but also he's a bit of a bitch about it

Has had multiple run ins with criminal factions and since this is his first time meeting them he has no fucking clue that they were criminals. Example: he's good friends with S'agh, a known Vampire Lord with ties to both Thieves Guild and Dark Brotherhood. It's known and quite obvious because no one tries to do anything but Helex is that dense

Smol

Used to crush on a Bosmer named Applewind but was informed that A) he's not interested and B) Old enough to be his great grandfather

He's also a bit of a ditz/gets lost in the clouds a lot, Commander Maro gave him a task to find a prisoner and he still hasn't realized that it was to get him out of Dragon Bridge

To give an idea of his age, he's about 18-19, no one's really sure which but he's an adult at least? Here's a sword go stab something you little disaster

Has no idea what gender he is but leans towards masculine for now

He legit thought Applewind was a girl (and that apparently happened often to the bosmer) and was left shut inside until he got his head together and realized it really didn't matter the gender he just has a type. (And that is anyone who could probably pick him up so that's... more than half of Skyrim)

Has a cream coloured horse named Mara, and another brown horse named Dibella. He adores both. (Old picture but eh)

Can and will die for a doggo, if his death would benefit them in anyway then it might happen

Doesn't have a lot of restraint yet but is working on via Inigo and his braincell (where Inigo got it is unclear, investigation is underway)

Would die for Kharjo bc Kharjo is a good pal.

Despite being shunned and punished for using Magic when he was younger, he has a talent for it.

May or may not be a dragonborn but not like the others. Instead of a Dragon Soul, he has Dragon Blood, and we can thank Sanguine's shenanigans and a Priest for that.

No seriously he's fucking tiny but not like, that tiny, he's more or less a twig so Skyrim Citizens could accidently snap him in half if they aren't careful be gentle with the baby

Elsinaire Adus

He's a vampire thanks to his Grandfather (who died shortly before the events of tes4) and thankfully didn't have to be diseased or deal with Moldy Bitch Balls (he still hates him for what he did to Lamae and his Grandfather he will not hesitate)

Somehow, and I stress the sheer luck of this, evaded being found out by: his superiors back in Cyrodiil, Several Vigilants of Stendarr, the fucking Dawnguard, at least two of the Dovahkiin (tbf, Milonee thought it was an elf thing and Daro'suna is just straight up a dumbass sometimes), and for a short period of time he somehow convinced a fellow Whiterun guard that he wasn't, while he was caught feeding. He's either using vampire powers unknowingly or he's that convincing (or everyone failed several spot checks but his brother helped too)

Joined the Volkihar Vampires to see if he could control his Vampirism but later found out that not only did he have to deal with M*lag B*l, he was lied to and later hypnotised by Harkon to turn on his family and friends. Thankfully S'agh, Lovionl, and Daro'suna literally knocked sense into him (via Lovionl and his love of Warhammers and Vibe Checks)

He's taller than most but is small for an altmer, although this is a family thing, as his Grandmother is actually shorter than him and always has been. It should be noted that there has been no other races involved in his lineage that would be able to affect his height.

Dating a Companion named Metsine Wild-Blade and by the nine he's in love. They get along well but needed some outside assistance (read: counseling) after the Volkihar thing. She can also carry him and the Werewolf brothers so he's very much happy that she can handle herself should something bad happens (also werewolf cuddles are best cuddles you cam fight me on this)

Is in a poly with Metsine (Werewolf GF), Joshabhi (Magic Werecat BF), Mikaer (Musical Himbo BF), and Caysion (Argonian GF) and they get along swell.

Is the sole brunette in a family of Platinum Blondes (his brother used to be brunette but it lightened ever since Cyrodiil)

Got chewed out (along with his brother) by his mom and dad for entering an Oblivion Gate during that crisis, they also were praised because they managed to not only locate the hok (or at least local anime boy Farin Phirois) but save his life and provide some damn good backup while they climbed the tower. It was still idiotic and they deserved the scolding because they were told not to by multiple people but also was told by Farin himself to skedaddle before he realized the brothers were stubborn and lethally stupid but also dangerously brave.

Was trained by his father on combat while his mother taught magic

Hates the Thalmor with a passion and has stolen their clothes before from corpese. Admittedly, it comes in handy when they have to fool them because Thalmor share a braincell and half the time it's stolen by Ji'athra for shits and giggles

He prefers his elven armor over normal guard armor, and wears the thalmor robes underneath for the benefits and quick switch for trickery. Also because he travels a lot and seeing a guard in uniform will draw trouble.

Uses a Sword and Shield gifted to him by his Father but also cannot use a bow to save his life, thankfully, his teammates usually can or have it covered otherwise

Befriended a pair of Nord brothers in Solitude, but when Elsinaire and Lovionl Adus and Hildggr and Sorpr Arrow-Sword get together chaos can and will ensue. That's usually what happens when you pair the sons of a Daedric Prince of Madness (their mother) and two Sheogorath worshippers. Sheo would be proud.

Is training Helex on how to fucking chill and maybe learn to not be so tense.

Was assisted by a young Ji'athra on the way to Windhelm after he found the brothers on the run from Thalmor Agents, a very determined Vigilant of Stendarr who isn't an idiot, and a Werewolf. And this is after they found out their house was on fire. Big Oof

Has been hit by Lovionl's Warhammer many times and somehow has yet to show any ill effects

Carries a few bottles of blood (courtesy of fellow vamps Serana and S'agh) so he doesnt have to feed on people.

Cannot be cured of his Vampirism due to the nature of it. It should also be noted that Lovionl isn't affected by this (but he's about as pale) but then again, he has a whole nother set of issues that we don't have time to unpack.

Outside of Vampirism, he's pale as fuck and even if he wasnt a vampire the sun would be his worse enemy.

According to an obviously lying Lovionl, he's allergic to clouds and cloud magic. (How this managed to work is incredible)

He is actually allergic to fish, which is disappointing because it smells delicious but he doesnt want to be lethally stupid and eat it.

After a set of events involving badass parents, a lost dunmer lady (aka Auntie Gabelie), and several Daedric Princes of Madness and their Artifacts, he now has custody of the main villain of that mess who he intends to raise right and so they don't try to kidnap people from their parents because of what happened during the Oblivion crisis (long story short his mom and some other elf ladies found the khajiit child, cared for them, and were forced to watch as Mehrunes Dagon outright stole the kid, they didn't understand why they didnt save them so they were angry. They didn't age in Oblivion and they're still kitten aged.)

Wants a dog but tbh Metsine and Joshabhi leave enough hair from shedding so maybe not. (Also, not a lot of dogs are available rn)

"Supports" the Empire because the alternative is Windhelm's Polite Citizens And Welcoming Aura. Given the chance, he would fucking deck Tullius and doesn't even need to be prompted to throw down with Mr. Stormcloak and Galmar. None at all. It's on sight really.

#oc: helex duilenus #oc: elsinaire adus #im not tagging the others mentioned thats too much