#all text posts i've used for l&c. i admit it. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jnsq · 6 months

Text

post-holiday blues (and then some)

getting the title post in first to lock in the date just so it's time-accurate and reflects the first 24hours of thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my system after 9 days vacay-ing in CN.

looking back, i'd have thought (and expected) to be employed by this time of the year and also after leaving my last job but turns out the wait had been much longer than i was mentally prepared to hold out for. but thank heavens, things still eventually 'happened' and the affirmatives came in writing/b&w after countless sessions of texts and phonecalls (reassuring ONLY up to a certain point because yeah). but still the decision to go through w this trip still held, and so was the very act of (trying my very very best) not to let the thought of expense>income get too far ahead in my purchase decisions on vacay. well honestly i admit certain things would have been switched out but looking back now at everything, i'd conclude that it's an acceptable win-win, with just a hint of compromise. well done SH, the many past months of learning how to live (i hate to use this word but i have to) frugally has done you good.

feels just way beyond indescribable/putting in words how good it feels to be back again with this bunch since Jul (with the girls, on the crazy second whirlwind trip to KL) and then with buddy P since Feb/CNY period (when i was still 'gainfully' employed but with one foot out of the door at that point of time).

we've all come a long way since that last video call session across PEK, SH, SG celebrating P's 31st when he was still in SH, when physical face-to-face was as good as impossible, and things have moved along well ever since then (but not with some rather serious hiccups here and there along the way, as life has always been).

i think what i will grow to miss most (until our next meetup in highly possibly 2024) from these 9 days would be the company, the conversations (mostly sober with a little post-hangover), the quality time, the laughs, the reminiscing of old times, re-living some childhood memories and then more recently (i realised the last time i cycled seriously was back in Yilan/Taipei during my stay at the countryside/farm circa '17) and then fast forward 6 years later, i'm doing the same thing in the heart of Beijing (mostly in a sober state until my last night/birthday night when i was feeling a lil' high from the beers at Slow Boat) dressed pretty darn decently (i still remember my first ride on my first night in Beijing en-route to the Peking Duck dinner - suit jacket, fitted chinos and thank god, Camper sneakers). and N was like - "are you ok with the idea of cycling there?" and she succeeded where L failed when she asked the same question in Zhuhai. (LOL)

and now we move on to that topic that has evaded my life for the longest time yet - relationships. so i found out (whilst in a semi-high state from all the sake imbibed post-supper in Macau) that she was getting married in less than a week's time. wow. well it didn't hit me like a bullet train but well, i still admit that it still felt like something. 4 years ago since we first met, and there was no explicit 'yes' and also no explicit 'no'. then covid came and i decided to call it quits in early '20 because of all the questions (marks). and then buddy P brought up C, whom i finally got to meet face-to-face earlier in Jul. then his questions started coming -

"so how?"

"so what do you think?"

"so can anot"

one thing that i've learnt and will sum it up in my concluding thoughts for the year would be to really slow down that bullet-train pace of thoughts, don't overthink, and just go with the flow and flow with the go.

to date, i haven't got a satisfactory answer to my question -

"is it better to begin a relationship as 2 strangers who just want to start as BF/GF straightaway and then learn how to accept each other's quirks and plus-points along the way OR is it better to slowly progress from friends to eventually becoming each other's significant other?"

i have always thought the former to be very goal/result-driven (and something that reflects who i am as a person, but i'm gradually trying to move out of this paradigm to 'explore' a different way of doing things, after hitting some speed-bumps along the way.) whilst on the latter, the idea of being 'stuck in the friend zone' is very real and when that happens, what's next?

so now as i'm putting my thoughts to 'paper', things are starting to clear abit. like thinking about the possibility of C figuring in my life down the road or... i really don't know. but her marriage news did complicated my thoughts abit during these 9 days, but thankfully when i left Macau, they gradually faded to focusing on the present instead, and now i can't deny that C has this infectious cheerful/positive aura about her which i feel when i'm around her. maybe the geographical distance from GZ does help after all (LOL).

(i think it's not so good a sign i have no one physically around to talk about all that i have written here, but i also have to be grateful for the fact i have this 'avenue' for me to pen my thoughts and then have something to look back on down the road?)

as Nietzsche 'killed it' with his words -

"I notice that Autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature."

right?

good night world.

0 notes