#also don’t trust any blog who calls ppl that hate them ‘antis’ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

twopoppies · 3 years

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Firstly No pressure to read any of the below it’s just a lil rant after I ended up on the wrong side of tumblr!! ( + I have ADHD and i forgot my meds lol so its a bit disoriented and all over the place) and no response necessary unless you want to!

Oh god I accidentally ended up on the wrong side of tumblr....never ever ever ever again, I went back so fastttt lol im laughing at myself rn for how quickly i clicked away from disgust

i ended up on a blog that stalks u and some other larries and says absolutely atrocious things abt louis (I can send u their @ if u'd like so u can block them) and fully bought the stunt bs happening rn and it was horrible obvs but like i just do not understand like it was so creepy gina and im just so disgusted bc why? yk?

like u were not joking abt anti's actually being obsessed with larries - like half this person's blog was talking abt you and amy and i was just so shocked cause why??? like mate come on what the actual f? get a life please?? (im quite new so im like just now realising how insanely weird and obsessed these anti's are)

Also it was just an overall eye opener for multiple things:

Starting with that 1. the way 1DHQ and 1D Management managed to alienate larries actually worked and i like knew but truly doing a proper deep dive and seeing multiple blogs hate on larries and like obsessively stalk us was insane?? Like they truly believe everything they’re being fed???

Side Note: Lowkey feeling very lucky to have had the education i have because even before i even joined this fandom i believed partially none of the relationships in the news bc like i knew abt this industry and how it worked yk? i mean its logic? i have so many mates that arent even in the fandom that know i am in the fandom and texted me when the articles started rolling out calling it out for what it was: A PR stunt

Hell someone i know whom i had never even talked abt fandom stuff/stunt stuff fully texted me making a joke out of it!!! like people who aren’t even in our fandom can see it and its just insanely surprising that if they can why cant the antis?? im just a bit shocked rn

both from 1. finding someone who actually believes in this stunt and 2. multiple blogs that fully commit their time to stalking u and other larries and once again i knew but fully seeing it

YK AT FIRST I WAS LIKE IS THIS A JOKE I DIDNT BELIEVE IT GINA I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS PULLING MY LEG OR THIS PERSON WAS IDK BEING SARCASTIC AND HAD A MESSED UP SENSE OF HUMOUR but ye anyway

It made me realise that 1DHQ knew what the fuck they were doing when they were trying to alienate larries from the rest of the fandom, once again i am feeling extraordinarily grateful to have grown up with an education where i was literally taught to never trust anything and to always think things thru using logic - “does it makes sense to you? if not find out why, there usually a reason behind everything” my yr 9 english teacher used to say smth like that all the time and it just never left me bc she was always teaching us to judge everything and to take every piece of news we read entertainment or otherwise with a grain of salt and to always if we’re gonna give someone else our opinion or spread this information do our research (its what i am when i say i feel lucky to have had the education i have had)

Eye Opener 2: Anti’s are fully standing y’all u were 100% correct this is some next level stan behaviour if i’ve ever seen some, you’re famous gina!!

It is while surprisingly to realise that anti’s fully believe these things, more surprising to see how they treat larries bc why on earth would u treat any other human being this way??? like dont get me wrong they’re horrible ppl and i fully felt like sending them a message telling them exactly that but i would never bc i just dont want to make another person feel bad abt themselves even if they are that shitty of a person and it was very tempting

I just would like to understand why they feel the need to do this? like why hate on a whole other person? for what believing smth diff to u? having a difference of opinion? how tf are they gonna make it when they get a job??? like??? do u know how often i run into a person with a different opinion then me? it shouldn’t be that big of a deal! we should still be able to be friends with antis! but we’re not - not for lack of trying btw!! they’re just so mean and rude??? when i was in other fandoms when someone believed different things there was never this much hatred at someone for it!! hell there was barely any bc it was understood that it was normal to have diff opinions abt things and i just am truly fascinated by these ppl i swear they remind how stupid the human race can sometimes be not for what they believe (altho ngl a lil of that too) but for how they treat other ACTUAL human beings with different opinions to them

Eye Opener 2.5: Some people need lives, man like they proper do need lives and something to do maybe a hobby or smth? just like a life they need to get one of those and actual live it

and Eye Opener 3: I already felt this way but like even god damn stronger now you deserve a formal apology from both 1DHQ and the universe

and until we get that u deserve amazing things coming from the boys on your bdays to make up for it

Lastly Gina I hope you didn't read thru all that bc I couldn’t even read it over and thus sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes and I would also like to say that I love your blog and everything about you! you’re an absolute angel and one of the kindest ppl I have ever had the pleasure of well not meeting but stumbling across, you truly make this fandom a much much much better place with your presence (I shudder to think of it without u) that said if you ever need to take breaks or leave Im sure you already know but you should 100%

You first!!! Always! :)

Have a good day Gina, I hope its an absolutely amazing one!

Hi darling. LOL! Reading this was like talking with my kids when they don't take their ADHD meds. Lots of excited thoughts!! I loved it.

And yeah, that blog and their 4 followers are really... not well. But you're very right. 1DHQ made this fandom a breeding ground for people to hate larries and to think it's something Harry and Louis would both approve of. It's gross.

The gaslighting here is powerful, so thank goodness for fans like you who know to question what they're told and to look at things with logic and to do their best to see through their own biases.

Thank you for all the sweet words and your offer to kick butt (in your other message). I really appreciate it!

#long post

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antiloreolympus · 3 years

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8 Anti LO Asks

1. “Nymphs, Satyrs and Centaurs make up the lower class”

I hate that so much, like come on. These beings are so much more than “lower class”, many gods/goddesses have nymph children. Are we really going to ignore them and call them “lower class” because they’re not as “important” as the gods? The oceanids, the nereids, the aurae, the pleiades? I refuse to believe all of them are “lower class”.

2. I know this is probably mean, but *side eyes RS "modern retelling of Hades and Persephone named Lore Olympus"* ... Please stay away from Death God Conventions Ma'am. The characterizations of The LO cast would be fine in and of itself if it was not based solely on a well known mythological story / couple / Greek culture.

Again. This might be harsh but... If shes really out here characterizing Minthe as "evil lowlife river nymph in the way of the real otp" I do not trust her with Anubis or Hel.

3. RS...drew her characters twice...and went with it? Like I'm all for artistic license but I'm curious, with the "bull in a china shop" metaphor - did she tweak them at all, or did she really just draw them twice and go "yup good enough"?

4. Okay, but like why use Hades + Persephone as a modern metaphor for "purity culture" especially if RS is just going to reinforce nasty stereotypes?

(Like Persephone being violated by a man - Apollo - so she feels less pure in regards to how her next partner views her sexually - Hades).

5. why the hell didnt rachel stick with pastel pink persephone with dark magenta hair? that looks SO much better than that blinding shade of neon pink all over??

6. I used to love LO & only dropped it after TOGEM was confirmed to be led by two hypocrite lesbian because as an ace person I couldn't stand how aphobic LO was.

Now, reading through your blog, I realised how toxic the fandom is. I remember defending RS's decision to make Hera a cheater when a Hellenic person (rightfully) voiced against it. Back then, the fandom made me feel like speaking over people for LO is correct. Of course, most people are lovely but the overall atmosphere is just overwhelmingly single-voiced. No other opinions were allowed even if they're from ppl who were victims of SA.

7. dear any god, if you exist, please don't make rachel's white devil self subject the masses to her self insert highlighter pink persona have a weird reborn baby at 20 years old bc she thinks its a great idea to insert hxp into every single myth even when its not warranted and she read some old high dude's insane dionysus fanfic. amen 🙏🏾

8. supergiant hades also has asshole zeus but even hes depicted with more nuance and a sense of wanting to help his family that the epilogue of the game is hades reconnecting with him and the rest of the olympians .. like ... pure ...

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lo critical #lore olympus critical #anti lo art

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paraclete0407 · 3 years

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‘Some of My Memories of Milwaukee+ or a Personal Odyssey’ or ‘And in the Years of Doing Other Things’

2012

Talking with kind of ex-girlfriend never actually my girlfriend called her ‘think of you as my wife’ in letter ater wrote Mark Helprin-esque ‘disclaim you forever with canned blessing’ letters about Aristophanes’ ‘Lysistrata’ in which Greek women refuse their beds to the menfolk to induce them to stop warring. Max Beerbohm or someone said, ‘There is a God and h/His name is Aristophanes.’ I don’t believe that at all but he was a good-natured writer that I can tell and also wrote about clouds and birds apocalyptically or otherwise and made fun of Socrates which I approve of. I don’t know anything about Socrates; my ex-friend used to say ‘I LOVE Socrates,’ that he could feel Socrates’ love. Socrates would say things like ‘The law is the advantage of the powerful’ and stated that if he reached an after-life he would continue to ‘troll, hit up, impertinently or insidiously argue with’ people forever there. He said the after-life could be like sleep without a dream. My friend said something about New York City and a production of Lysistrata then I started making hyper-fanfictions already in which Girls Gen decided to stop performing until war stopped or something and threw a Christmas festival with vermillion-colored fruit compotes but I honestly don’t remember a lot & it refleted my ‘Love of the Last Tycoon’ etc.-esque delusion that Media and woman- and girl-training like Lee Sooman would enable me to influence humanity’s future in a really gainful way. Later on I told Tizzard that Media Studies is an endless kind of college dorm-bull-session and NKS was the real deal, that reality exists, that ‘Visual Pedagogy’ is an excuse for inferior faculty and no real curriculum or purpose but it didn’t really matter b/c kids / the poor in spirit love media - I loved media too. I rem. being so happy in college to skip Phonology one day to play Final Fantasy 10 and I still got an A b/c Phonology is a decently logical human suitable discipline for someone like me. There is a Korean word that kind of means ‘suitable’ that starts with ‘J’ in transliteration that used to mean a lot to me and also I conflate with a kind of ‘yes.’

This person was also like ‘Why did you say you would go back to KR’ as opposed to apply to CTC or be a literary agent to casting-couch desperate alienated lady-authors for fun and bragging-rights and I sold myself short saying it was all about drunken proclamations - I actually didn’t know what I wanted to do and kept ‘short-selling David James Johnston’ talking about TV-writing when I already sort of decided that the power of TV was just a money-making-vehicle and that TV would not really change people’s minds for the better but just hypnotize or mesmerize them with more of what Jay McInerney(?) pace some French satanico-moral philosopher called ‘empty beauty.’ I rec’d people Friday Night Lights and they became Amfootball-fetishists with a fake God-evasion-religion-system; rec’d ‘Generation Kill’ and instead of understanding the sadness of the Iraq War or the fact that people just like us w/ videogames and pornography and Jerry Springer and all the sad beauty of irreverence and sort of boyish self-pity in the world was being thrown teeth- and brains-first in to the walls of Fallujah. (Years later thinking stuff like what is fake news what is real news, was the ComGen of the 1st Marine Division right to dismiss the Col. who had been careful w/ fueling tanks and his men’s lives? Today did the USMC really disband their tank corps or is it more of a ‘clue.’)

I remember when this person was 24 and I did quasi-test-adultery-turned-in-to-actual-adultery in NYC; I kept thinking that my dream would come true if I were faithful. It puts me in mind in retrospect of ‘Adagio Cantabile’ from the ‘Pathetique’ in which the young boyish Beethoven keeps re-crossing and re-tracing and repressing the same few things. There was a kid in KR who was counting his pocket-change to buy snack noodles + he looked about as well-fed as Haitian kids today munching on clay-biscuits to ease their hunger-pains or North Koreans or Chinese eating corncobs and smoking meth to cope whilst his mom supposedly hoped be would become a basketball-player. Other kid’s om was working in a bar, constantly forgetting to check HW, so but, Counseling was really boffo / spec and just reminded her again and again b/c in some places there are still reasonable compliant obedient square people who don’t deflect from doing the right thing, just get overwhelmed at times and want a break. Ironically Ayn Rand once defined evil as ‘blanking out’ yet she herself was doing amphetamines, propounding complex justifications for adultery, smoking, bashing a revelatory tragic anti-Nazi but pro-Germany author called Thomas Wolfe in ‘The Romantic Manifesto’ - Wolfe also cared about Japanese, about humility in the publishing industry, about nurses.

I went to Whole Foods to get pineapple but there the story sort of ends. There was Boa Kwon or BoA whom I once saw on WLIW NJ public TV and thought it was someone else; in retrospect this person was too smooth for me to read at all and I have no faith or trust in such an one who would lash out egomaniacally at any one at any time, prob. beat their kid to death with a trowl then take a nap in the next room b/c ppl at a certain level are like careless military officers that decide one illegal or irresponsible order deserves another b/c it’s image-management, what Emerson calls ‘a foolish consistency,’ or Derek Chauvin-esque drive and desire and determination to magnify one’s little point.

Later I started to reticulate or conceive of Lee Sooman in terms of a failed priest or one who had repeatedly and almost orthodoxly dodged his vocation. ‘Black Collar.’ I guessed using my ‘amae-guess-magic-bullets’ that his wife’s name is Eunjin + thought then, I don’t even remember. Told some ppl who didn’t really care that love-dreams are good and ‘Love and Peace’ was great b/c whilst America was being sarcastic and deflectionistic about everything SNSD were like, ‘We will compose in C-natural; we will be Tolstoyian; we will make direct statements about reality.’ I felt ‘Everyday Love’ was about ‘cybernetics’ or adapting the natural ‘Spenglerian peasant wisdom self’ to ‘the cold intellect of the city / civilization / dying-but-peaking epochal imperial organization.’ During this same time in my life or thereabouts I read a neo-hyper-Nazi book called ‘Imperium’ by a guy who admired the kamikaze and called for ‘wars of annihilation’ as well as castigating America for her cult of the average. This person said Japan’s not weak at all, they accelerated or amplified Spengler’s admiration for the Roman soldier at Vesuvius who refused to abandon their post since no one gave them orders to leave. In re the which I can only surmise pace Grace to You that somewhere there are still ‘thoroughbreds’ like that. At other times in life I said stuff that got me trashed on RedditButBothSides for using terms like ‘social form’ and Paul Washer of HeartCry who summed up much of my own life in telling it that ‘the porn-addict and misogynist is unloving’ was praising the African father, I love the African-African (not American) minister at Christ Church Episcopalian but then I am like, ‘drmdrmdrm Zulu king marching all his warriors off a cliff to prove a point about authority.’ I’m really really a child of the 1990s, Gandhi, MLK, Tiananmen Square bag-man, flower-in-rifle-bore. I never expected to levitate the Pentagon but I truly believed that if we’re nice to them they will be nice to us.

Later I over-compensate the other way and started making ‘psychopathic midrash’ like, ‘What do you make of the Good Samaritan if the thieves are still beating the man half or more to death when the Samaritan arrives and what if the Samaritan has a taser, handgun, rifle, bayonet, how good are they at martial arts, what’s their chest-circumference, what’s their reputation.’ But again people hate this because its super-worldly and technocratic. I had started to admire fmr. President George W. Bush b/c I felt that he was pushing back against the people who wanted bad to go from bad to worse, b/c I agreed with him about immigration, and b/c I felt I saw progress in his life frankly and even in Trump’s life where he nuked his earlier marriages but remained faithful and respectful to Melania. Marie Lee has it out for Barron Trump I guess but he’s still neurophysiologically / neuroanatomically very much not a full adult and it’s also literally ‘Titus Andronicus’-esque revenge pornography to go after a leader’s kids like that + distracting from WW3, nuclear terrorism, DF-26 Black Death warheads, satellite-bombs, annihilating the entire Midwest’s population for the topsoil here; and because Jack London once said ‘The Chinese work too hard so we the freedom-loving peoples ought to kill them all with germ-weapons and take their land.’

I later started dreaming about KKOOM Orphanage, a cold morning, eating coffee-crystals, a basketball-court a bit like ‘Trabia Garden’ from FF8. I felt people learn a lot from poverty, limits, prison, commitment, losing things. Meanwhile ‘Shanghai-1′ is like you’re exotic male prostitute and she too is the typical Chinese-Singaporean-Japanese-wannabe-British anti-Korean racist who thinks Koreans are the n-----s of East Asia permanently deserving of subjugation and that we all ought to amuse ourselves by making sure they remain permanent hedonistic sensualists physicalists etc. Keep them thinking about hip-bones till the end of time + make sure we have EYK, reaction-vids, self-niggerization- / ethical-evolution-inhibition-engines such as PSY or really all of YGE.

When I used to blog about T-ARA, Eunjung, and my dumb adventures with a secret life several Black girls approached e and I remember them well; curiously turned out to be involved in incest and/or rape-trauma. I told ‘lonelystrangergirl’ she stood a good chance of finding ‘manly KBF’ if she joined the military but I didn’t then know or take cognizance of all the problems in the US military with women. The fmr. Vice President Mike Pence was on talk radio saying, ‘WOMEN in the MILITARY’ my relation is like, ‘Millennial guys were pozzed pussy flyboys and effeminate art-fags who couldn’t transcend their self-consciousness so it’s no wonder’ but those are also ppl’s daughters, moms, people whose simplicity and loveliness might actually inspire a few men to act like men, though that is a very old complaint at this point, hopeful Kim Minju’s of the soul and mind who want to do what they can when they can, the world’s telling them to be super-heroines and it appears to convect(?) towards ‘All Loves Excelling.’ I hate doing physiognomy but it’s like this generation of Valkyries like Else in the Thomas Wolfe novel who won’t say anything about Hitler.

Again however, JMC on Grace to You as saying, Christ is the Rock, pulverization.

2014.

There was a new Korean restaurant w/ a limited menu, a stringed instrument no one ever plays, Thai lampshades. I talked about General Petraeus a bit, yesterday’s wars the Korean 3-star general from Vietnam who was buried in an infantryman’s grave and talked about the caste-system in the North Korean military, about hundreds of thousands taking to sea to g out of NV. In retrospect IDK why I said anything! The ferry-sinking, I’m trying to say, ‘This is society; this is the pozzery of systems that don’t work; this is people who don’t even look at people ad think they know and care when they just made the Homer Simpson drip-bird-care-machine auto-billing, meretriciousness.’ I still think PGH took the fall for a bunch of men who devised the ROK Coast Guard and manned it, lesbian mysticist, hairstyle.

I wish I kept all my thoughts and feelings to myself b/c then I could’ve planned. That was Applebee’s which later moved to another location, hen to another, then was razed to he ground in like one night. I mentioned my old mentor or affectionate person ‘Lt. Col.’ who told me about saving people but it was more K-wave self-exploitation, song-and-dance, ultimately, schizoaffective self-sadism.

I liked ‘Library’ by TTS a lot but didn’t realize it is about emotional-epistemic hedonism or wallowing in how much you could do and how useful you knowledge is or could be. Later they did ‘Adrenaline.’ I am ‘Mr. Seo.’ SJH’s dad. I’ve seen this a trillions times and I want to open up my ‘answer-macihne-gun’ and be like, ‘don’t listen to Black people; they all all all have the same mentality tow you. Snoop says he’s a sex-trafficker and that’s precisely what he is; that’s what he is increasingly is and wants to be and is.’ Why did they let him in the ROK at all, except to put him on trial for crimes abroad against Korean nationals? As this New Yorker cartoon said, ‘I’ll think outside the box when there is no more money in the box.’

My best friend was traumatized by people like this although there again I ended up even more the worse for wear b/c I started cursing and threatening ppl and stuff.

TTS however got super-fantastic for at least a little while with SJH’s song ’Only U’ which in retrospect might or might not have been self-composed b/c it’s a Taylorian era and ‘only you can make me,’ in which we become our truest selves by being understood. This song didn’t even say anything except for a few moments at the very end and as with many things in this era the fan-covers were more perfect than the commercial versions b/c it is again the desperate love of the poor in spirit for leaders and ‘pharons’ (beacons) that makes sth or s1 seem better, seem perfect.

Celebrity-culture and much of politics are about money, power, image, and corporatistic lesson-teaching / mental Derek Chauvinism. But these are starting to be empty words.

2008.

Writing a long letter to s1 who had other people. Why do not I edit all day. I still remember thinking how these athletes at RU had really great low BF% despite eating junk food so I tried to eat junk food but felt like a loser. I didn’t realize then that everyone was tagging everyone all the time.

‘If only they had stayed in h/Hot p/Pursuit...’ I decided to nuke my undergraduate syntax and just start every sentence with ‘They.’ Setpiece in Denver. I talked about ‘agape’ (Gr. word about Christ’s Charity or Christian concern for the soul which I don’t speak Greek), about hotels with doors between the rooms. But then there was all this in retrospect very obvious trash about overachievers and Asians which was trying to share one world w/ people from another who didn’t really want it. Like FF.net people saying ‘We really admired you; a lot of us are kind of stuck in the trailer-park and we know RapMonster is far distant from us but we like that your admiration of RM has been getting you somewhere.’ Wanting to take everyone along when in fact some of them want to let you go; my friend KateLorraine’s North Star column from FFnet long ago where it is like ‘Let us teach everyone in the universe to be self-sufficient writers and literary critics of life as well as perfect book-reviewers of ev1 they ever meet with the perfect savoir-faire action-response-system-protocol pace Colossians 4:6.’

This could make everyone friends with everyone today but I later came to see that t/Trust is something ‘circumscribed.’ It’s like Mirabel says in this Cogreve play that would need to be heavily footnoted by Bethlehem Seminary, ‘Let us be very reserved.’ Why party? Why celebrate being a couple? There’s this tiny hint of something at the end of the Song of Songs, ‘My small-breasted little sister, who’s gonna marry her?’ I for years ‘kept my virtue to myself’ b/c it is like Russian suitcase-nukes, anti-family, anti-couples, anti-biblical(?), anti-God, to say couples shouldn’t trash others behind their backs. I failed to appreciate the total ‘Shakespearea-irony-sized’ or idolatrous / cupiditinous implication in songs like ‘Red Is the Rose’ or a novel called ‘Angel and Hannah’ which I still hve no summative statement on b/c it as just the 1990s and what Stephen Crane might characterize as the defiant, prideful, Son of Morning-esque devouring of one’s own bitter heart. I re. years ago someone said Japanese like falling flowers and Chi like fallen flowers. Ppl rly love their fallen flowers and what they used to be.

There are people on 4chan or all over this world that keep little dreams, hope-chests. I want to say it can happen, the girl eating noodles can really make something, but maybe I as being a huckster and cultistic love-bomber in pushing everyone to leave home or secretly plot to ditch their family and burn their family’s expectations and social forms. Again, IDK why Reddit won’t let me say ‘social form’ when all the smart people are saying social form. But I am unhappy too b/c some ppl do not even have a social form or expectation but just the mind-machine that they’ll never make up. ‘Let us be humble and faithful and very reserved.’

2013.

‘Jericho.’ Guy with all these flashdrives always taking notes, but why. Just accept failure and rejection and give your body and presence to the task at hand. I also made something pre-Covid called ‘Rorate Caeli Desuper et Nubes Pluant Justum’ from an Eastern European composer’s setting about kind of an unauthored person who kept veering from father-figure to father-figure but that too say cynical and IDK why I was attacking women, failing to relate, writing endnotes to the living. I see to this is what happens when you stand around regarding what others have and are trying to forget particular actions or subsume their significance in some broader supposed mission. This too was fanfic-ified / plagiarized from a real person which is part of why I guess I didn’t go anywhere with it; hoping to do something IRL.’ A speculative phi.-of-teaching piece called ‘When To Care’ but there again it’s Milwaukee Judgment and cf. Levinas, ethical interruption, unethical interruption(?). ‘Teach You.’

‘Winter Presences’ from BoA’s ‘Always,’ failed couple rituals. ‘Perhaps a pizza.’ There was a Philip Roth or somebody’s novel and it crystallized for a sec bu in retrospect again, no real intended audience or beneficiary. Delta Covid, also Lam(b?)da Covid, sudden transposition / teleportation of 3rd world perils to ex 1st world. Heavily censor ‘On the Road,’ when they go to Mexico, ‘a bomb had come... and we would in the same same way...’ I remember the moment I was shocked and arrested by a Korean poem called ‘Flower’ which repeats a word sth like ‘desire’ and uses a phrase that people called ‘And we’ but is more like ‘And we all of us’ or even stronger than that, beginning and end. I wish I could sew or insert a syringe reliably. Power of children and little people.

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noctomania · 3 years

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I know i complain a lot about this & i know i may not know everything but what i do know has just continued to piss me off.

I used to use this tumblr partially just to rb stuff but also to dump shit that was on my mind kinda like a livejournal (i used to have one). I liked having it out in the open so that if ppl out there were going through something similar they could see they weren't alone in experience or in having no idea of what to do. For the past few years every time i wanted to do that i had to second guess myself bc my stepmom thought it was ok to find my blog & creep on it without letting me know until she came across something she wasn't happy with. After she told me that, i tried to change as much in my privacy settings, short of deleting my blog entirely, to prevent her from snooping if she wasn't going to respect me. I still don't know if any of it worked. For all i know she could still be.

My mind is often plagued by the time I was reaching out to my parents when i was facing homelessness, like serious homelessness. Not the summer homelessness i had already been enduring for the 5yrs prior. I'm talking i couldn't get a full time job & was barely surviving on part time work at Marshall's for minimum wage & no benefits. Im talking i was lucky i had any savings left over after college bc most got ate up - literally. Im talking i worked through college to feed myself, PLUS was an RA to cover housing fees, plus a full time student. My first apartment i was living in a large closet. As a sublet. Paying twice as much rent as i should have been. And got robbed a half a months rent.

When i was already reaching out to social services i also reached out to my parents for advice. I said nothing about money nothing about moving onto their couch. Just guidance. They came back at me with "we can't help you". They made it seem like i was asking them to carry me. I felt at that point the only option i had with what experience i had was to run away back to school. Which meant literally doubling the debt i already had. The only reason i wasn't paying into the debt at the time was i was literally too poor to.

Going back to school was great i terms of i had money finally & got to move back to salem & afford living alone. But if you're running away TO school...you don't want to go to school you want to run away. I wasn't ready, i was just desperate. So the plan failed, i failed, i ran away again. I was exceptionally "lucky" this place had jobs open.

But what im on about tonight is the info i found about my parents & their money. Now mind you when i say my parents i mean my dad & his wife. My real mom been dead long time. SHE was poor. SHE raised my sister & i primarily alone. We had food bank & food stamps & free/reduced breakfast lunch & hand-me-downs from neighbors. That's how I grew up. So when my stepmom tried to deny that we grew up poor I cut her out of my life. Haven't spoken to her in years & only just spoke to my dad for first time in years my last birthday. I sadly regret taking the call bc it was just "when you gonna move your stuff out". After years of not talking. All he could think about was that. My stuff which mind you they stuffed into a corner of a mouse-infested garage so inevitably a lot of my stuff is now rat-nestings. They couldn't spare a single one of their several fuckin rooms IN THE HOUSE.

Tonight i was bored & thought what if i can look up info on how much they couldn't help me when i was broke. Turns out they make over 220k a yr, with AT MOST one employee besides themselves to pay (didn't even pay them enough imo) & pay thousands in property taxes for property they do literally nothing with & for a house with FIVE FUCKIN BEDROOMS AND THREE BATHROOMS FOR JUST THE TWO OF THEM TO LIVE THERE & NEVER INVITE ANYONE OVER BC THEY HATE COMPANY. That is their SECOND house mind you (last i checked with my dad they are looking at buying their third jfc). But they couldn't help their own child. And yes I understand running a private business costs money. I also understand that they don't get weekly checks, it's all depending on what cases they can get/win. They always acted like they had less money than they do though. Many years they worked out of the house so there was no extra rent to pay. I've been working in my current job for over 5yrs & I am just now finally making 35k/yr after many union fights.

I can't find it in my heart to forgive them. Had mom still been alive she would have stripped their small intestines right out of their ass for turning a cold shoulder. They didn't offer any advice or help when I asked except dad tell me to sign up for the military. Which goes to show how much they actually thought about me considering I am not allowed to join the military even if I wanted to bc I am transgender. I know for a fact bc i did still have to sign up for selective service when I applied for a loan for grad school & they sent a letter back rejecting me. But I still got to sign up for the debt 🥴 It was further disturbing considering my parents have always been very anti-military. It felt like a real "go fuck yourself" response & I've never been able to shake that or been able to properly explain to them how that felt. They don't get it & they don't care bc they think it's"good for me" or "builds character". I don't think either of them have ever faced the experience my sister & esp I have. Their standards seemed to revolve only around what they wanted me to do & not at all around what I need. But had the audacity to criticize politicians doing the same thing.

The work they do is great, & I'm proud of that. They've fought to provide social security & disability support to those who need it. But what sense does it make that you're more willing to help strangers than you are your own family?

They never even visited me up here. Not once.

I hate this country i hate my family i hate money i hate bullshit. All that i care about are cats/nature, food, & weed. Everything else is a waste of my patience. And i know there are ppl out there doing good things doing right by those they love, but that shit doesn't "heal" me like it does everyone else. Basic kindness shouldn't be such a commodity.

I've spent every year ive been working here saving as much money as I can without completely neglecting myself. I've had set backs primarily due to my health. But as far as i see it I am the only safety net i have at this point. I have no life. I don't even know how to have a life anymore. Quarantine didn't even phase me bc I already had no life to give up & still had to show up to work like regular.

It's no fuckin wonder ive had so much suicidal ideation over the years, I've nowhere I feel I can turn where i feel 100% trust.

AND I'M PRIVILEGED AF. I am white, I have a steady job & a union, I am making more money more consistently than I ever have before. Getting here has been hell & terrifying. Being shown that my parents really aren't there for me, finding out that I'm actually terribly alone in the world, & literally just having to double down on being my own best friend. It definitely ices the heart & cuts the elasticity of the tolerance.

Part of me really wants to just lay into them for this bullshit. But other part of me is like what for? If they would feel bad they should already. But they don't & won't. So I just gotta move on & ignore their calls.

#suicidal ideation cw #cw suicidal ideation #im just angry tonight needed to dump this shit im fine

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