#also in a fucked up contradictory way. I did well on some assignments that originally I was trying to be chill about

[noheroes-allowed]

I hate how volatile my moods are. like I woke up feeling stressed on wednesday bc of my assignments. but then it started raining and I got out of bed really late after listening to a song I loved and the ambiance of that against the rain lifted me. and then he asked me to get dinner with everyone and I got so excited. but thursday I was tired for no reason and ate caffeine in the evening so I could enjoy dinner, which I did. and I was fine until literally midday friday when this intense sadness just washed over me. and why? friday was so non-stressful on paper. why? all I did was lay in bed and read. and then in the evening I had a slight breakdown but I didn’t let myself go through it and started doing homework instead bc I suddenly felt like I just needed to be productive and I was wasting time. this morning I tried to be functional. I went to ithaca tofu hoping to buy mooncakes but I should’ve known they would’ve been out of stock by now and bought snacks to try to make myself feel better that weren’t really worth the price. and this snack I loved when I was in china at 12 years old was on sale, and I haven’t had it since 2017 probably and I bought it for myself and yet I felt nothing. no excitement. 

the guy directing the covid test this morning asked me if I was having a good day and I said ‘I guess.’ he asked what would make it better and I don’t know. I didn’t even do anything today. all I did was cook and eat and read and walk around and do the things I supposedly enjoy and yet nothing. what’s wrong with me? why did I feel so fucking down for no fucking reason? I’m trying to understand it but it doesn’t make sense. nothing even happened. nothing fucking happened. I just. can’t fucking function and be a normal human being. 

on thursday, dhanush said something offhandedly to sergio that this was our final year and sergio better treat us well. jokingly. and idk maybe that stirred something in me. and on friday I had a dream about someone I cared about who’s no longer in my life and even in my dreams we were distant and awkward. and how jenny applied to segc and I feel like she was trying to catch me up with things about her. and how ivy made me feel like she didn’t actually expect me to take up on her offer of hanging out. and how I called maggie last saturday and we were talking about jobs and interviews and where we’ll be in a year. and maybe I’m thinking about how as the years go on, it just seems like I’m losing people so quickly. not to be dramatic but my circle just keeps dwindling, and if not dwindling, shifting in the nature of our relationships, and who do I even feel comfortable around anymore? and maybe I’m thinking about how my life is going to look like in a year. and just. what is the goddamn point of it all? these people in my life right now holding on by a string, I won’t even know them in a year. maybe I’m thinking about how transient and circumstantial everything is and ‘in this terrifying world, all we have are the connections we make.’ but what the hell are my connections? how many will I have remaining? 

I’m retroactively lonely and I’m proactively lonely. I’m goddamn lonely. there’s no one I can talk to about my day. I want to talk about stupid shit that goes on during my day. like my monday interview when my interviewer said ‘maybe I’ll see you in a conference call one day’ or the puppy wrapped up in a blanket I saw or the string lights that were hung up on the suspension bridge for one day that would’ve made it so pretty for next thursday but they’re no longer there now or the book I’m reading and how I think it may be contributing to how sad I am lately bc it’s about this group of four friends and just their relationships with other people and each other and how their bonds have changed over time and how fragile even their relationships are when they were so fucking strong in the beginning or the snacks I bought this morning and how I should be so happy eating those dumb potato chips I used to love as a kid that I haven’t had in years but I just felt like shit bc I’ve been eating and eating all day. 

I have been trying really hard lately to enjoy the little things and try to find things I love and letting myself do the things I love. but it’s hard when the thing I really want is people in my life. good people, good relationships, meaning to my life. I hate how intensely I’m feeling things right now. I think this is who I truly am. I’ve been trying to be more laid-back recently not just for school, but for life things too. and I think part of me was trying to fit into this fake it until you make it mentality. I faked it but I didn’t make it. I feel like there’s a timer on my life right now. maybe I’m thinking about that a part of me was probably trying to protect myself by concluding I didn’t want an actual relationship just bc of the timing of everything and. idk is a part of me holding back bc I’m scared? bc he’s told me what he wants. and what if I trying to de-intensify myself so I can fit into that mold. when he told me how the girl he went out with on a thursday, wanted to facetime him on a sunday and in the moment I truly thought, and said ‘that’s a lot.’ (although, maybe part of me thought that way bc they had just met.) but today, I was walking to campus to read at the grassy part above the bookstore and I just wanted to talk to him and see him. and I was acting exactly the way I thought was too much. so what does that say? am I like her? do I want what she wanted? do I want more of him then I let on? I don’t know what I want. and I don’t know what a fucking relationship is. and I can’t sort out or process my feelings and I can’t tell what’s platonic or romantic or real or fake. everything is just a fucking jumbled mess in my head. bc he’s my friend and I already want him in my life and what the hell else do I want. I think this breakdown is so poorly timed bc I can’t compound this with his rejection next thursday. but I need to tell him so I can fucking move beyond it. even though a part of me, a large part of me honestly, will miss speculating if he likes me back. bc then everything will be crystal clear. and I know this sounds fucking insane bc a part of me feels like the other time I felt this way was my last month at umd when I felt like there was a timer on my life. and objectively this timer is longer and I should still be able to enjoy the time I currently have without thinking about their endings. but I guess. I think keith is one of my closest friends right now, just due to the sad nature of my life I’ve hung out with him the most these days, but I don’t think he would consider me the same just given what I know about his circle. but I think I’m missing him already. are we going to be friends in a year? him with his (and mine) dislike for texting and his feeling that facetimes make him feel like he could be doing something else instead. I think our connection is circumstantial (like maggie’s, and ivy’s, and anyone in segc) and we will lose touch so quickly. and fuck how did I think I could do anything casual? we’re not even in a fucking relationship and I’m fucking thinking about how much I’ll miss him in a year. and now I keep second guessing asking to see him bc I don’t want to be too needy and I know he doesn’t like that but. I want to talk to him. it’s a good thing he was busy today bc I might’ve dumped like half of this post onto him in person and that would’ve been embarrassing. I’m mourning something I haven’t lost yet but I know I’m gonna lose. also a part of me can’t stomach the idea that there’s a chance he’s gonna distance himself from me so I can ‘move on’ but. that will literally hurt me more than him just not liking me back.

idk everything just piled on and I just want to stop thinking about the meaning of life and what my life is going to look like in a year, five, twenty, and my fucking relationships and my fucking lack of relationships. I just want to stop thinking so much and getting caught in my head and just be carefree and happy. why is it I can never just be content and satisfied? why do I make up these inane problems in my head? like, was I not happy two days ago at dinner? three days ago with the rain and the texts and finishing my assignments an hour and a half before I expected? five days ago when I felt like my interview went well? I was happy right? why can’t I just hold onto that?

#remarks #this isn't all about my dumb crush #can I just clarify #I don't want to this to sound like melodramatic teenage angst #I just feel lonely and aimless. and would someone just clue me in on what the hell this is all moving towards? #what the fuck is the point? #also I think I need to surround myself with more lighthearted media. bc everything I'm reading lately is... really not #but I'm loving a little life so much. and I know that something is going to happen that is gonna destroy me emotionally so I'm conflicted on #if I should keep going rn or if I should take a break. bc it's so good but also I know if I keep going it's literally going to compound my #breakdown. um we'll see I guess #also what's lighthearted? idk. I've been thinking about rewatching new girl lately. is that what I need? #also in a fucked up contradictory way. I did well on some assignments that originally I was trying to be chill about #but now I feel like I need to maintain those grades. and I feel this bigger pressure now to keep them up #and this was exactly what I was trying to tamper down and I fucking tried and no. this is just me I guess #I just. wanted to be more balanced in life. but I ended up where I always were #was* #how do I answer honestly about how I’m feeling? ‘I’m lonely’ doesn’t encompass it #‘there is a kind of loneliness that comes from being with people.’ #I think that’s how I feel with a lot of this hanging on by a strong relationships #string*

[btsvt-adventures]

University AU - Fashion

A/n: Just casually adding to my neverending list of works in progress AU-wise lmao. Also some parts of this AU will be reader x svt, so keep an eye out!

Want more of this AU? Ask me here!

University AU: Introduction | Fashion | Not Enough Caffeine

It all started with Mingyu and his big fat mouth. Minghao was perfectly content with having his mismatched not-so-little group of friends, but Mingyu had to branch out and make more

(Minghao fusses about it sometimes, but really, he quite likes this nutty group of same aged friends)

In all honestly, Minghao didn’t think that they’d be friends, but he was sharing his dorm, major, and now final project with the tall boy, so he didn’t think he had much of a choice

Their assignment wasn’t incredibly difficult, considering they didn’t need to design and create the clothes themselves, but they did need to find a model, and fast

Mingyu had originally suggested asking one of their many friends, but most of their friends were male, and there were specific instructions in their assignment brief to pick a model of the opposite gender

Minghao suggests putting up flyers, or even using their friends’ connections to find a model, when someone runs right past Mingyu, nearly bowling him over in an attempt to catch the bus

“What about her?” he asks Mingyu, watching as the girl runs her hands through her hair in obvious frustration

It really wasn’t your day today. You’d woken up late, barely made it to lab on time, the test you’d been working on for the past week turned out inconclusive, and now you’ve missed the bus you needed to take to get home before dark

You sigh, running a hand through your hair, tensing slightly when you notice two tall figures walking towards you. Your first instinct is to grip your bag a little tighter, ready to fling it if necessary

The boys approach you, and you can’t help but think that they look like models, they’re beautiful. The taller of the two is in a long coat, hair styled casually, eager grin on his face, and you can’t help but feel a little less apprehensive

The other boy speaks first, Korean slightly accented. He’s got sharp features, long jet black hair falling into his eyes, but his voice is kind, and it takes you a second to realize what he’s telling you

“Model? Me?” You ask, thoroughly confused, and the taller one – Mingyu – nods eagerly, rambling about the assignment they’re currently working on.

“We’ll pay you as well, the school has agreed that all models who agree to participate will be paid fairly,” Minghao tempts, handing you a piece of paper. “Call us back soon, okay? We’re kinda in a hurry.”

You take the crumpled up piece of paper cautiously, staring after them as they walk away. The idea of being paid sounds nice, but it’s just so.... shady.

Your mind races the entire way home, circling from the two of them being hot serial killers to being BDSM porn photographers, but you kinda really do need the money

Mingyu’s about to fall asleep when a soft katalk! chimes from his phone. He sighs, picking it up and wincing at how blindingly bright it is.

[New Message: 3.46am] From: Unknown I’ll do it, but tell me how much first. - Y/N

He jerks upright, suddenly wide awake, and runs to the room across his and pounds on the door till his best friend (and group partner) wakes up, glaring unhappily at him

“What.” he grumbles tiredly, running a hand through his long-ish blonde hair. Mingyu shoves the phone into Minghao’s face, and the Chinese fashion student just groans, struggling to make out the words on his screen

The shoot is scheduled for two days later, a whole 48 hours before the submission is due. Minghao stresses about the angles, and the aesthetic they’re trying to create, while Mingyu just tries to keep up with Minghao’s stress levels

Every single one of your friends have told you to cancel, because it sounds awfully suspicious, (and let’s face it, it does) but you’re kind of curious about the two tall, hot boys that approached you

You arrive early, nervous and about ready to throw up, when you see the set

It’s... pretty, with the bed messy and feathers littering the flor, the light low and yellow. There’s a single, bright sunflower on the bed, and it’s so romantic, and sensual and–

You’re panicking inside, because Oh god this is so a porn shoot, my naked body is gonna be on pornhub, or on Tumblr or- oh fuck he’s seen me!!!

 Minghao notices you, frozen and staring at the set. He grins, greeting you gently and telling you to head into hair and makeup. You’re not entirely sure why you agree, but you follow his directions, smiling nervously at Mingyu

Who promptly trips on a stray piece of ribbon and nearly faceplants while trying to greet you. You snort unattractively, watching as he flails, barely catching himself in time

You’re given a bunch of clothes, and okay, maybe they are just fashion students, the outfits are kinda really cute but have some peekaboo holes so it’s also teasing and kinda sexy

Ever heard the term ‘Curiosity killed the cat?’ ... Looks like you might be the cat. You look around out of idiotic curiosity, and spot black, leather outfits with sheer, see through lace and sexy rips, skirt so short you’re sure your ass will be hanging out

You’re too busy staring in mild horror you don’t realize Mingyu’s calling your name and you head onto the set, letting Mingyu re-arrange your outfit while your mind races

Minghao tells you to lie-sit (is that even a thing??) on the bed, and that he wants sexy but also playful. You deadpan at his contradictory choice of words, and try, posing a few times, looking in whatever direction Minghao tells you

The camera clicks quickly, and you try not to flinch at the bright lights, trying to forget that you’re modeling for a porn shoot holy fuck

“Tug your shirt lower, just take it off,” Mingyu calls out, and feel the dread pooling in your stomach. Oh god here comes the porn shots, you think, swallowing thickly as you start taking off your clothes

Minghao stares at you, confused. “Wait what are you doing?!”

You stop, letting the shirt fall back down quickly. “Well you said take it off????? i mean- it makes sense right haha you’re both hot and there’s no way an actual modelling agency would streetcast me so this must be some kind of porn or playboy-esque shoot right?

Minghao: What the fuck Mingyu: What the fuck no I said ‘tug your shirt lower, it’s just a little off!

You: ... OH. Well. Uh. Fuck. 

You finish the shoot is done and you’re so embarrassed bc they were teasing you the entire time, but it’s done, and you’re paid now

You’re about to leave, thanking them for considering you, when Minghao stops you, asking you to pick out your favourite outfit from today. “But why?” you ask the confusion written clear on your face

“Because the two of us want to bring you out for a dinner date.”

Oh. O H. You flail for a moment, agreeing quietly and slipping into the changing room to pick out an outfit you already have in mind, grinning wickedly to yourself

They were gonna tease you for thinking it was a rated shoot? Then you were so gonna give them something to think about.

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If you’d like more of this AU, or your own lil thing, of if you just wanna yell at me, you can do so here~

#university AU #fashion au #Seventeen #SVT #gyuhao #mingyu #gyu #minghao #the8 #stylist mingyu #photographer minghao #the entire university AU spawned from this post LOL #fluff #seventeen writing #soojinnie writes

[sanerontheinside]

*cracks knuckles* *grins* Questions: 8, 10, 13, 19. *cackles*

oooooh you lil shitLong Post, hit J to skipsorry mobile userswait neverfuckingmind I put it under a cut anyway wt f   k  e    n o  p  e 

8. What is one thing you would change about any movie, show, book, etc?

JA needs to burn, PT must be rewritten to fix various plot hiccups, the clones deserved so much better, Obi-Wan doesn’t deserve such massive levels of grief, and seriously some shit just don’t make sense. 

But at this point it’s also difficult for me to distinguish between what is actually canon and what is fanon, or a popular fandom interpretation of canon. 

Besides, there’s ReEntry. ReEntry makes sense. 

Canon, you’re drunk. Go home. 

13. If you could resurrect one dead character, or prevent them from dying, who would it be?

Qui-Gon Jinn. Finis Valorum. Asajj Ventress. Jango Fett. Tahl, Micah. Mace did not die. Padmé did not die, fuck that noise. … Shit. Xanatos. 

Long answers under cut: 

10. Do you think the Jedi were right or wrong?

Which time? 

Ignoring the Sith? Sending Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan alone to Naboo after a suspected Darksider if not Sith? Insisting that they would not train Anakin without offering a single alternative (what in the actual fuck)? Focusing too much on Anakin’s massive potential and Dark possibilities in his future rather than on the nine-year-old boy in front of them? 

Making Obi-Wan a War Councilor and spreading him thin as paste across most of Republic Space? Bending and bending and bending before the Senate until they couldn’t even fight back charges against Ahsoka? 

Allowing themselves to be run for hundreds of years by an old troll who is the last of his species, with only one other like him, who’s lost generations of friends and children by then, whose only way to cope with that kind of loss is probably repression, and leads to a shift of Jedi philosophy in that general direction? 

In some ways, an institution as old as the Republic was doomed to fail eventually. 

But, see, the Ruusan Reformation was built to prevent another war with the Sith, to safeguard the Republic against it. Sith were impossible because the Order of that time had taken great pains to wipe out every last vestige of Sith texts and artefacts, save what they kept to learn from themselves. 

Isn’t that funny? That’s when they decided to bring younglings to the Temple, to train them early so they would never get out of control and Fall. They destroyed the ancient texts, yet left the door open for the formation of a new and far more dangerous line of Sith. 

Yet the Ruussan Reformation wasn’t exactly something they’d readily agreed to. Back in the days before the Reformation, the Jedi had been a truly independent Order. They won the war against the Sith, and protected the Republic worlds with their own army and navy. But when the dust settled, the Chancellor of the Republic told them, well, the Republic will not trust you unless you give up your army and your navy, because they see you as a threat. The Reformation doesn’t say, not in so many words, that the Jedi will come to rely only on the Senate for funds and mission assignments. 

You know… the Chancellor at the time was named Tarsus Valorum. He was the first of his family, a line of noted Force Sensitives, not to go to the Jedi, but pursue a career in politics instead. And the Valorum we know of is a direct descendent. Finis, end of the line. Finis, end of the Republic, the Republic falls with him. Yes I am sort of hinting that Tarsus Valorum might’ve been a Sith. 

Anyway, clever headcanons aside, it’s so easy to point out where the Order was wrong, but by the time we see them? There’s hardly any ‘right’ to choose. Remember that Valorum had to go behind the Senate’s back to send Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon to Naboo—the Sith certainly didn’t anticipate Jedi involvement. 

Still, you ask if the Jedi were ever right. When given the option, multiple times over the course of apprenticeship and Knighthood, to leave the Order, what did Obi-Wan choose? Anakin? They chose to stay. So, in the end, there must have been something right about that, don’t you think? 

19. What’s your opinion on legends/expanded universe?

Um. 

Well it’s… interesting. I periodically go diving into Wookiepedia, which is like broken telephone research in a lot of cases—there isn’t even a guarantee that the person who wrote the page got the point of the original source, or that a minor detail I would find immensely useful ever made it to the page. Some things are outright crazy. Some things are spectacular. Some things are outright spectacularly contradictory. 

Legends saw great potential, took it, ran with it, sometimes to Olympus and sometimes off a bloody cliff. JA can burn, but at the same time, while most of JA feels like a poorly-drawn caricature, characters like Zan Arbor are unforgettable. Were I to, idk, in some fever dream, decide write Sidious as a woman, Zan Arbor would be the place I’d start, I think. Certain JA events seem to me important enough to keep. 

On the one hand, it was nice to get hard details on the shape of economic warfare the Sith waged on the Republic. On the other hand, Sidious’s origin is the most bizarre bit of horseshit I’ve ever seen summarised on a Wookie-page and the very idea that Plageuis was still alive near the time of Naboo makes me shake with rage because it (high on the list of shit I thought I never would say) robs Palpatine of something vital to his character. 

In much the same way, I can’t stand that TCW overwrote the comics’ ending for Valorum, even showed him active in politics again like his career hadn’t ended with the Vote of No Confidence. That was a death sentence in itself. And, since TCW can technically be considered Legends material, parts of it I simply cannot accept. It filled an important blank, when it came to the ROTS portrayal of Order 66. In ROTS, it looked like some grand conspiracy, but the introduction of the chips was wrenching and necessary. TCW did a lot for clone feels, and for our feels for secondary characters in the movies—like Plo Koon, yes, hello, you can pry my favourite Jedi dad from my cold dead fingers. On the other hand, Maul, suddenly returned to life? There are ways that can be done, and done well. This, in my view, was not one of them. 

Rebels… I haven’t seen Rebels, so this part should be taken with a grain of salt, but little individual plot points I’ve seen fill me with no great confidence. I’m seriously spoiled by @deadcatwithaflamethrower RE:JotW Echo timeline. Actually overall I’m spoiled by ReEntry. 

Yet, it’s the Legends tab of Wookiepedia that gives you a much richer understanding of Twi'lek and Ryl culture. Say what you will about fetishising and misogyny—and fandom is certainly prone to that when given Twi'lek slave culture as a vehicle for it—it’s incredibly interesting to see how Twi'lek culture changed, adapted, took advantage of others’ perception to hide something far more deadly, their very own Resistance movement. Whoever went so far in depth with Ryl and Twi'lek culture knew a thing or two about what they were doing. 

Similarly, the Legends expansion of Mandalorian culture is spectacular, and sheds an uncomfortable light on the TCW Mandalore. At times, certainly at times like these, conflict between different Legends sources is incredible. (Though, give me a reason to take Satine down a peg and I’ll take it, and I’m still not sure that isn’t ingrained misogyny on my part.) 

I can’t speak to Legends’ treatment of female characters, either. The characters I am familiar with? Ventress, Komari Vosa? Those stories don’t end well. Unfortunately I don’t have much time or, truthfully, inclination, to research every single character who exists only in the comics and books, particularly if I don’t often work with that part of the timeline. 

ask me things | sw ask meme

#obaewankenope #what have you done #ask me things #urgh #sw ask meme