#and blaming his bad moods on the stars being out of alignment or something

[sparklypinkflightsuit]

Stars Align: Part 6

Pairing: Bradley Bradshaw x Reader

Warnings: Smutty Smut, Angst, Fluff, Pining, Guilt, Angry Bradley returns, Mentions of Abuse, Violence, Alcohol, Swearing, and just a whole lot of feelings in this bad boy.

-- Part 5 Here --

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18+ Only - Smutty Chapter

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Past:

The day had rolled around quickly, and you were packing the last of your box's into the back of the trailer. You checked your watch and sighed. Bradley had promised he'd come say goodbye, but he was nowhere to be found and you had to leave.

You paced up and down the driveway as your family did a final check of the house, and you contemplated calling him as your dad closed trailer door.

He sighed and walked over to you, wrapping a comforting arm around your shoulder, ''We have to go, sweetheart, we have a very long drive ahead of us.''

You looked up at your dad with watery eyes, and nodded. If Bradley really wanted to say goodbye he'd be here. You climbed into the car next to your siblings, your dad climbed in and started the engine.

You huffed as you leaned your head against the window, the moment seeming almost surreal. You couldn't believe you were leaving.

You'd gone around to the Bradshaw’s the day before to say goodbye, having a long cup of tea with Carole before you left, but Bradley had insisted he would come round to say goodbye properly.

You bit back tears as your dad started to pull away, your chest tightening at the thought of not just being able to sneak in through Bradley’s window at night, or him waltzing into your house at any given time of day without warning. You knew you’d be hard pressed to find a friendship like this again.

Suddenly, your brother noticed something in the rear view mirror straightened in his seat and craned his neck.

''Stop! It's Brad, look!'' he pointed, and your dad stopped the truck. You looked into your moms side mirror and sure enough, Bradleys own truck was hurtling down your long street, coming to a screeching halt behind the trailer.

You climbed out and walked over as Bradley opened his door.

''I thought you weren't coming.'' you grinned, your arms crossed over your chest as the cool Autumn breeze blew over you.

''I would have come sooner, but they took longer than I thought to make them, and they messed up the inscription the first time.'' Bradley chuckled apologetically as he crossed over to you, holding a long chain up to the light. You held your hand out and touched the dangling object, letting out a gasp as you read it.

''B and B, when the stars align we'll reunite. Bradley, this is beautiful.'' You breathed, and you slammed into his chest, wrapping your arms around him as you fought off the tears that threatened to spill over.

Bradleys voice was hoarse and fragile as he spoke, ''Don't forget me, Lil Bird, I'll always be here.''

''Never, I'll never forget you Rooster.''

________________________________________

Present:

You followed Bradley and Bob outside, feeling very sheepish and guilty as the lingering effect of Bradley could still be felt coursing through your veins, and the guilt only increased tenfold as you heard Alice swearing at Jake.

You stood just behind Bradley as he came to stand in front of her, ''What's going on?''

''What is this I hear about Y/N living with you?'' Alice was bright red and Jake looked like he had just put his foot in his mouth as he skulked back towards the grill.

''I was gonna call you this afternoon to tell you, it was sort of a quick decision-'' Bradley tried to explain, but Alice was already moving over to him with her accusatory finger in the air.

''You mean it took you, what, a day to ask her to move in with you, but me, who you've been dating for 8 months, you won't even give a key to?'' Her voice rose higher and louder, and it looked like any wrong move would result in her exploding.

You couldn’t blame her sudden change in mood, or the fact that this Alice was a stark contrast to the Alice you’d met just moments ago. You were the reason for all of this and you felt horrible.

“Is… is your shirt scrunched up? What were you two doing in there?” She growled, her teeth bared.

Bradley shot a glare over to Jake, smoothed out his shirt, and then looked as calmly as possible over at Alice. ''Can we talk inside, please?'' he said under his breath.

Alice huffed as she stormed into the bungalow, shoving past you, and Bradley followed, closing the door behind him. Everyone tried to ignore the hushed whispers and occasional shouting that came through the thin walls.

You took a deep breath and faked a smile as you walked over to Nat and Reuben, opening a bottle of beer and trying to make conversation, however the growing argument in the house made quick work distracting everyone, until you were all silent and just listening.

''Well maybe you should then! It hasn't been working Al, I was going to call you to talk about things later but this has saved me the effort!'' Bradley yelled, and shortly after, you heard the front door slam and everyone jumped.

It took a while for Bradley to come back outside as he collected himself, and when he did Jake shot him an apologetic look. ''Sorry man, I thought she knew.''

''It's okay, honestly things have been tense for a while.'' Bradley breathed, running a hand through his hair. ''Sorry guys, let's not let this put a damper on anything.''

And sure enough, not long after, everyone was back in high spirits, laughing and talking, eating and drinking as the sun began to dip. Occasionally you and Bradley made eye contact for a prolonged amount of time, but you forced your eyes to someone else and made conversation to distract from the intense feeling you felt in your chest every time is eyes burnt into your skin.

After you'd said goodbye to everyone, you began to tidy up. The bungalow was a mess of beer bottles, chip bags and dirty plates, but you welcomed the distraction as you began to clean.

''Hey, you don't need to do that.'' Bradley gently grabbed your arm as you bent to pick up a bottle. You flinched as he did so and Bradley let go, looking at you with concern.

''What was that?'' He asked, cocking an eyebrow.

''Nothing.'' you mumbled, moving inside with your trash bag.

Bradley followed you and closed the back door, ''No, you flinched. Did I hurt you?''

''No, it wasn't you. I hurt my arm a few years ago, it still gives me hassle sometimes.'' you said, placing some plates in the dishwasher.

''It shouldn't still be hurting you, what did you do to it?'' Bradley asked as he began to help you.

''Broke it.'' you mumbled.

Bradley stood suddenly, staring at you in shock.

''Birdy, you're like the least athletic person I know, and you're not exactly clumsy, how did you break your arm?'' He let out an exasperated chuckle.

You lifted your eyes for a second but struggled to maintain eye contact with Bradley. ''I don't really wanna talk about it, Brad.'' you mumbled under your breath as you closed the dishwasher and moved to the sink to wash your hands.

''Y/N...'' Bradleys voice was stern, serious now, and the use of your name had your back up instantly. You shot him a glare and his face softened.

''Please?''

You sighed, drying your hands.

''I didn't break it, someone else did.'' you said simply, turning to face Bradley, your back against the counter top.

''What do you mean?''

You took a deep breath, ''Can you grab me a beer?''

Bradley nodded and walked to the fridge, fishing out two cold ones and opening them before handing you one.

You took a moment to collect your thoughts, and then you began.

''After college, I met someone. We worked together and things were going really well, so eventually I moved in with him.'' You took a swig of beer and continued.

''Things were good for a long time after I moved in, we were even getting quite serious, but a little while into the relationship he began to change.'' Your eyes flicked to Bradley for a second, unsure if you should go on, but his expression was soft and you continued.

''It was really little things at first, I wouldn't even really call them red flags, just small things like if I didn't hang his clothes in the right order in his wardrobe, he'd get annoyed, or if a book didn't go back in the exact same spot on the shelf, he'd huff about it. Like I said, so miniscule I really didn't think anything of it.''

Bradley was already beginning to see where your story was going, and he drew in a sharp breath as he watched you cautiously, crossing his arms over his chest.

''Anyway, so we'd been living together a while at this point, and he started to really lose it with the little things. This one time, he accused me of flirting with his best friend when I laughed at his terrible joke - mind you, we were at his friends house, and his wife was right there, she was laughing, I didn’t wanna be rude, but the car ride home was not fun.'' You forced a laugh, realising how pathetic you must have sounded, but you hadn't recognised it as abuse at the time.

Bradley was now biting his thumb nail as he listened.

''There were times where he'd take my phone while I was in the shower, and he'd interrogate me about messages I'd sent my family, and why I wasn't mentioning him enough. He asked me who you were and said he didn't like that I was so comfortable with you. This was even after we fell out of touch for the most part. I didn't realise until a little while after, but he'd blocked your number and deleted it from my phone.'' you stopped for another swig of beer.

Bradley was frowning now, suddenly understanding why he was unable to reach you.

''I wanted to reach out to you another way, any other way, but I kept putting it off for the fear he’d find out and explode. It was stuff like that for a long time, but he started to realise the verbal shit didn't affect me anymore, and then that's when things really started getting bad.'' you held up your wrist and offered Bradley a sad smile.

''What did he do to you, Birdy?'' Bradley asked as he dropped his arm to his side, his eyes dark and his jaw set.

''This particular one was from being thrown down the stairs. I called him a narcissist.'' You chuckled.

Bradley rubbed the back of his head, as he paced around the kitchen.

''What else?'' He asked shortly.

''It doesn't matter, he's been out of my life a long time.'' You were tired of talking about Jacob, it drained you even still.

Bradley spun around and gave you an exasperated look, ''Of course it fucking matters, because I'm gonna need to state my reasons in court after I kill him.'' he growled as he crossed over to you a little too quickly, a little too angrily, and you flinched again.

Bradley stopped dead in his tracks and his face immediately softened.

''No, no I'm so sorry, Birdy I would never hurt you.'' he whispered, moving slower now, more carefully. Your chest felt tight and you took a deep breath as you nodded.

''No I know. Talking about him… it’s just… Brad I trust you more than anyone, even after all these years.” You whispered as you closed the small gap between you, placing a hand on his broad chest. You felt his heart thrumming violently against his chest.

You looked up to meet his eyes, they were soft for you but his jaw was still set and clenched with anger. Bradley had a hard time letting go when something pissed him off, and today was just one thing after another.

Your other hand moved up to his face and you stroked his jaw with your thumb, easing him. Bradley let out a deep sigh as his whole body relaxed.

“About earlier…” you started, but Bradley shook his head and cut you off.

“Don’t you dare say you regret any of it, please.” He chuckled.

“I don’t, but I do think we need to talk… we’ve sort of missed a lot of each others lives.”

Bradley nodded, dipping his head to capture your lips in a soft, gentle kiss.

“Yeah, we have all night to ourselves now, we can take it slow.”

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Past:

“You’ve reached Bradley Bradshaw, I can’t come to the phone right now, if it’s important leave a message and I’ll get right back to ya.” The line beeped and you sighed.

“Hey Brad, it’s me, again. I guess you're busy right now, I just miss you so gimme a call when you can. Say hi to your mom for me too please.” You hung up and put your phone back in its holder. You lay back down against your bed and sighed.

You'd been in your new town for a little over a month, and you were really struggling without Bradley around.

You made it a nightly routine to call one another before bed, but the last week had been a bit hit and miss. Since you moved Bradley had been spending more of his days with Michelle to pass the time, and as a result had been invited to more parties, gradually becoming one of the popular kids.

He was struggling to find time to call you when you were free and you kept missing one another. The time difference didn't help, when he eventually got home most nights, you'd already been asleep for hours.

There were times when you'd just call Carole to talk for a while, catching up on anything missed. She told you that Bradley was struggling with your absence, but you found that hard to believe now as you lay in bed, having not spoken to Bradley for the last week.

You huffed as the boredom became too much, and almost as if the universe had read your mind, the doorbell rang.

You heard your mom get up from her chair, the familiar sound of her heavy book landing on the coffee table, and she crossed over the hallway to answer the door.

You heard her muffled voice speaking to whoever was at the door, and then you heard her calling your name.

You got up and made your way to the front door, it was blocking the person from view, but your mom smiled at you as you approached.

''Hey sweetheart, you have a visitor.''

Your heart soared, had Bradley come to see you? Was that why he wasn't answering your calls. You grinned and pulled the door open further.

Your smile dropped.

''Hiya, I noticed you moved in a while back, I've been meaning to stop by and introduce myself, I'm Gabby.'' the pretty blond girl smiled as she stuck out her hand, a soccer ball tucked under her other arm.

''Hi, I'm Y/N.'' You forced a smile, but your disappointment was evident.

''Gabby was wondering if you wanted to hang out? You've been cooped up in that room for weeks, why don't you go out and explore the town?'' Your mom suggested, pushing you slightly out the door.

''Oh, I'm waiting for a call from-''

''If he calls I'll give you the message, honey. Go out and have fun.'' she raised her eyebrows at you and gave you an insistent look.

You nodded, and smiled at Gabby again. ''Okay, yeah that sounds fun.''

''Do you like soccer?'' Gabby asked as you both walked down the little street.

''Not really, I'm not into sports much. Prefer reading, or painting.'' you chuckled awkwardly.

''No problem! I'm not very good at arty stuff, but I'm sure we can find something to do. Wanna go to the mall?'' She smiled, bouncing ahead of you and throwing her soccer ball into her own front garden.

You laughed, you liked her already, ''Yeah, okay that sounds fun.''

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Present:

You'd fallen asleep on Bradley's chest after talking for hours. You delved into the darker side of life after ending things with Jacob.

You told Bradley how you had called the cops on Jacob after he'd pinned you to the ground by your throat one night because you'd argued about something miniscule and you'd actually voiced your opinion for once

What you hadn't realised is that small towns have cliques, and no matter how long you live in a small town for, if you didn't grow up there, you'll never truly be one of them.

It just so happened the chief of police was Jacob's best friend growing up and they'd remained close. The incident had been swept under the rug and after that rumours spread about you to every corner of the town.

You couldn't go grocery shopping without eyes following you, the odd 'whore' or 'liar' being thrown at you as you walked down the streets.

You thought it would eventually calm down, but over the next few years things only escalated and became unbearable when Gabby moved to New York.

When she had told you about the vacancy at her school, you jumped at the opportunity to escape.

''So you've literally only just escaped that hell?'' Bradley had asked. You nodded, craning your head up to look at him from where you lay under his protective arm on the sofa.

''And then I came along and probably just added confusion to all the pain.'' He mumbled.

You chuckled, ''No, actually I think this is exactly what I needed.''

You must have dozed off shortly after, because the next thing you knew you were coming to with Bradley snoring softly above you, his lips pouted perfectly. You admired how beautiful he was for a moment before you carefully got up to use the bathroom.

You gently padded down the hallway and closed the bathroom door, taking a moment to yourself to really think about the absolute whirl wind that was the last 24 hours. You looked at yourself in the mirror and realised how much of a mess you looked, lips swollen from the night of stolen kisses, skin raw from his rough, calloused hands wrapping around your neck. You shivered, and turned the shower on.

Bradley awoke not long after to the sound of the running shower, and an empty arm. He sat up and stretched, checking the time. 4:23am.

He chuckled, only you would shower at this time of night because you felt uncomfortable.

He got up and walked to the bathroom, pressing his ear against the door to make sure you were okay.

The sound he heard surprised him more than it should have.

''Bradley...'' you moaned softly, almost inaudibly.

His eyes widened and he gulped, but pressed his ear closer.

''Yes, oh my god.'' your voice was small, barely a whisper. ''Fuck.''

He wasn't sure what possessed him, but before he could stop himself, he was opening the bathroom door quietly.

You hadn't heard him yet, but Bradley could see your faint silhouette through the shower curtain, your hand pressed against the wall to support you as you touched yourself and moaned his name. Even through the curtain he could tell you looked incredible.

Bradley peeled off his shirt, and then his pants and underwear, and the sound alerted you to his presence. You gasped as you spun around, embarrassed and speechless as Bradley pulled back the curtain and you took in his nude form.

He was a god.

You tried desperately to cover yourself, but Bradley just shook his head, and stepped into the shower, his eye contact unfaltering as he backed you up against the cold tile wall. His right hand came to rest on the wall above you as his left cupped your wet face, his thumb skimming your bottom lip.

You moaned as he kissed you, his hand moving to your waist, squeezing you desperately.

You struggled to believe this was the same lanky boy from your childhood, as you felt his hard member press up against you. You shivered against him and Bradley pressed his toned body up against yours, your skin flush with his as you wrapped an arm around his neck and tangled your fingers in his wet hair.

The embarrassment from being caught gradually vanished and turned into pure need. Your tongues tangled desperately as Bradley grabbed your thigh and pulled your leg up to wrap around his waist, grinding gently against you.

You gasped, and bucked your hips for more. He grabbed your other leg and hoisted you up against the wall. You wrapped around him as your teeth tugged at his bottom lip. Bradley surged in for another kiss, hungrier this time, and a hand slid from your thigh up over the sensitive skin of your stomach, where he pinned you in place.

''I love you.'' he growled as his other hand moved in between your thighs, expert fingers slid through your soaking lips, his thumb finding your sensitive bundle of nerves and he began to draw rough circles.

You threw your head back, your chest heaving. ''I love you.'' You whined, ''More.'' you demanded. Bradley did as he was instructed, his index finger slipping inside of you. His fingers were so big the stretch from one alone was enough to get you to moan, but when his middle finger entered and he began to pump, you cried out and buried your face in his neck.

Your legs tightened around his waist as he mumbled praises in your ear, and before long you were close to coming undone.

''I need you.'' you cried, and Bradley stopped. He slowly withdrew his fingers, sucking them clean and moaning at your taste before he kissed you again, and you felt his tip slide into you.

This feeling was entirely something else. Something bigger and better than anything you'd experienced in life up until this point, and as he pushed into you, he grunted loudly and your body convulsed at the pure pleasure and adrenaline you felt at being truly connected to Bradley there and then. Bradley held you like a small, fragile thing in his arms as you adjusted to his size, and when you nodded that it was okay to move, Bradley started slowly, gently, his jaw slack and muttering 'fuck' over and over as your tight walls enveloped him.

You bucked into him and his rhythm sped up, as his lips attached to your neck and he sucked bright bruises into your skin to muffle his ungodly groans.

His touch was electric, like fire engulfing your entire body, but you needed more, you had never needed anything like you needed him in that moment.

You rocked together against the wall until the hot water began to turn cold, and goosebumps covered your skin, but still you didn't care, nothing could sully this incredible feeling as your bodies pressed impossibly closer, wet noises growing louder, moans and whimpers and curses echoing through the small room.

''I fucking love you, I'll always fucking love you.'' Bradley grunted into your neck, and your eyes rolled. Your body shook as you fell apart in his arms, the coil snapping and sending you into rolling waves of pleasure like nothing you'd ever felt before.

You screamed his name as you tightened around him, and Bradley couldn't hold on any longer. He bit down on your shoulder as his thrusts became sloppy and rough, his hand gripping the flesh of your ass as he pushed impossibly further in, spilling his pearlescent seed inside you with a loud grunt.

Your body went limp in his arms as your energy was all spent, and Bradley held you up against the wall for a long time, peppering soft, sweet kisses along your face and lips.

You chuckled and Bradley grinned that perfect grin.

''I think you're going to have to carry me out of here, Bradshaw.''

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-- Part 7 Here --

Taglist now open 💛 Please let me know if you'd like to be added!

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#miles teller x reader #miles teller #bradley rooster bradshaw #top gun rooster #rooster top gun #rooster bradshaw #rooster x reader #bradley bradshaw fic #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x you #top gun fandom #top gun fanfiction #top gun maverick #top gun #top gun fic #top gun maverick fanfiction #romance

[yourpakichic]

Episode 7 thoughts

-The way Serkan was just staring at Eda and memorizing her while giving her the gift... 😍😍😍

-The tenderness and longing in their eyes while saying good night..... how are these fools gonna say goodbye forever when they look like that saying good night.

-That moment between mom and son was so cute. It’s funny cause Alptekin sounds exactly like Serkan and Mrs. Aydan seems like she desires the same things as Eda in a man, fun/unpredictable/exciting.

- Serkan hates surprises clearly as Seyfi comes to warn him about Aydan’s plans. Up until a few days ago, he even would’ve been upset at the fact that Eda might plan something without his permission but the fact that he now expected something from her because that’s what her personality really shows that he understands her a little better now. And the fact that she didn’t plan anything for his birthday as he expected, he gets worried about her behavior.

-Eda’s thoughts of Serkan being a magician were so important. I think Eda is scared of being left alone/behind. If we remember, that’s what her last boyfriend did too. And with her family trauma, she clearly has abandonment issues. So it’s only natural for her to build walls and protect herself. Kind of heartbreaking to think that underneath her full-of-life personality, is just a girl longing to be loved and taken care of.

-“We’re going home, Ms. Eda”. I cannot wait for the day those words will be for real.

-Out of everyone, Engin is the only one who can really pick up on Serkan’s mood. I’m glad Serkan has a friend who can talk to him logically. Everyone else seems to kind of give into his opinions and his character which just feeds his “cold” persona where as Engin can reason with him.

-That whole scene of Eda making that bouquet for Selin and talking to Ceren was so heartbreaking. Trying to process her emotions while making a gift for fake fiance’s ex-girlfriend….that’s rough. I’m glad that she told Ceren about the situation. Out of the girls, it makes sense that she tells Ceren. As much as I love Fifi and Melo, I think they would be too into their own reactions and feelings about the truth that it wouldn’t be helpful to Eda. Whereas Ceren, she is the voice of reason and logic in this group. She can help Eda through this situation in a logic way. Not to mention she is a lawyer and a damn good one at that. If anyone knows about contracts and loopholes around it, it would be her.

-Kaan....this man really knows how to create a mess and ruin my babies lives. Sometimes anatagonists will give you something that might make you feel for them (like Selin) but this man…in every scene is just pure evil.

-I loved how Serkan kept looking for her/at her. He observes and notices her so much.

-Literally just see heartbreak on their faces throughout the whole conversation where Serkan is confronting Eda about her behavior towards him. He’s so hurt by her distance. And she’s hurting herself trying to distance herself.

-Alptekin is trash and I don’t want to hear anything else.

-He’s so butthurt about his dinner with Selin that Eda organized. Homeboy, Eda gave you a chance to cancel, but your pride said no. Like Engin said, can’t you put your pride aside for once. Serkan really be frustrating me.

-Serkan observing the night view like Eda told him....just so adorable. He is completely immersed into her words and outlook on life. She has changed him in the most subtle ways.

-I think the conversation between Selin and Serkan was interesting. While Serkan came off very offensive in this scene for me, I liked that Selin was defensive. She was clearly hurt by their breakup too and I think she is absolutely right in that Serkan is being selfish in creating a life but not letting her create one. I don’t want Selin and Serkan back together but I also want Selin to be happy and Serkan makes that hard with the constant digs at her choice in life partner. I get that Serkan doesn’t like Ferit due to his affiliation with Kaan but also he does use his past relationship and feelings to manipulate Selin to leave Ferit, which is so unfair to the girl. Also, Serkan thinking he’s not good enough for Eda.... baby boy you got a lot of work to do to be good enough for her.

-The dinner with Selin was supposed to be a test for him. As Eda stated, going to dinner with Selin is something he’s been wanting. And she’s practically set it up for him to succeed. All he has to do is show up and spend his birthday with Selin. That will let Selin know Serkan chose her. He goes to the dinner but his mind in entirely with Eda. The fact that he came and found her, to spend his birthday with his fiancé, that in fine print, means that he chose her. Not only did he come to eat at a “local” place with her, they teased each other. And he just stares at her, like if he blinks, she might disappear. They really only have eyes for each other. I can die right now.

-Also, someone pointed out on Twitter the colors of the chairs they sit in. As Eda was explaining colors of the mugs, red is for love white blue is for happiness. Eda is sitting in red chair (meaning she’s in love) and Serkan is sitting in a blue chair (cause he’s happy to spend his birthday with her). That’s so sneaky yet nice details.

-The way Serkan looks up at Eda after blowing the candle.... like he wished to be with her. I really hope there is a scene in the future where we find out what he wishes for under the stars in Antalya and for his birthday and I hope it was related to Eda.

-Eda’s gift to Serkan was such an original and wonderful idea. She gave him the world. That is so poetic.

-Engin/Pyril/Ceren. I have never been more confused on who to ship. At first I was all for Engin/Ceren. But since the Antalya episode and some following scenes, I think Pyril/Engin would be so cute. It’s very clear that Engin likes Pyril but she doesn’t open up to him the same way. But I love how jealous Pyril gets of Engin/Ceren. But I also love how Ceren has Engin to talk to and vice versa. I guess I have no choice but to see how it plays out. All I know is that I will not stand for Ceren getting hurt in anyway. On that note, CEREN IS A BADASS AND I STAN.

-Engin/Kaan/Serkan. I wonder how long before we find out what happened. Clearly Serkan and Kaan were always competing, even as children but now as adults as Serkan says “Nothing is just for work”. Clearly their competition is deep rooted in some personal fight. And I how bad it was because it seems like as children, they were a trio. So what exactly did Kaan do that Engin is so mad at him to be on Sekan’s side.

-She said no to coming to his house so homeboy decided to find a way to spend the whole day with her. Peep his smile in the car. He can’t get enough of her.

-Ayfer got witch powers and no one can convince me otherwise. I love how Melo really spilled everything out. I hope that there is no trouble between her and Eda and more than that, I hope that it doesn’t cause more problems between Eda and Serkan.

-so, that last scene. WOW. SHOOK. So as much as I hated Serkan’s outburst, it actually aligns with his character. Serkan is smart about his business so it’s not a surprise that he figured that Eda was the only one with the folder and therefore any leak had to come from that. Serkan doesn’t really yet possess the ability to hear someone out. He’s very cut throat, straight to the point and that’s exactly what he does. He doesn’t give Eda a chance to explain. To him, he’s connecting dots whether or not they make sense or anything. And it was even easier for him to blame Eda because he was emotionally hurt by her distance so he uses that to blame her and claim it as part of her guilt. For Serkan Bolat, everything has to have a reason behind it and a logical one. So him blaming Eda for the leak and then justifying her distance on that leak sounded reasonable to him.

-Moving onto my girl Eda. Bless. She really didn’t get a break this episode. I think this was the final straw for Eda. The whole episode, Eda wanted Serkan to trust her. She kept looking for the smallest little way that might prove he does but in the end she didn’t really get that. So the fact that he now blames her for this big issue is really gonna break any hope/idea she may have had of being with Serkan because he just proved to her that he has no trust/faith in her.

Overall: A lot happened this episode and I loved every bit of it. My favorite thing about the episode was how it was centered around Serkan and Eda’s emotions and their confusion. Although it can be frustrating, it also is a joy to watch! The angst was strong and I for one had trouble breathing through it. I can’t wait to see how their relationship evolves through this chaos and hopefully we’ll get more scenes of them being intimate with their emotions.

#sen cal kapimi #eda x serkan #eda yıldız #serkan bolat #turkish drama #edser #you knock on my door #hande erçel #kerem bürsin

[let-it-raines]

Second in Command (Epilogue - Part 6)

Summary: Life as the “spare to the heir” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be when you’re the supposed screw-up of the family, but people don’t know what really happens behind closed doors.

Rating: Mature

A/N: And we begin with a flashback (ending with the double line break) with a chapter that comes around full circle in several ways :D

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr Chapters: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20

Epilogue Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

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She hears his footsteps making their way down the hall, the still slightly unfamiliar layout of his house (or apartment as he calls it even if this is definitely not an apartment, the multiple stories and staircases disagreeing with her definition of the term) making it difficult to discern where exactly he is until he’s right outside of the door, the noises completely stopping as Killian presumably halts just outside, only the door standing between them. He wants to come inside, she already knows, but he’s likely being hesitant because of her mood today. She doesn’t blame him. She wouldn’t want to be the one to have to navigate talking to her today either. She doesn’t even really want to be her right now.

It’s not often that she has reason to hide herself away, to turn off the lights and cover herself with piles of blankets in a feeble attempt to keep the world away from her. But they’re just blankets, and they only keep away the cold. They don’t keep away the warring thoughts in her mind, the ones she’s kept at bay for years now. If anything, locking herself away like this has allowed her thoughts to creep free from their cages and to fester in their freedom, multiplying and expanding into demons that she shouldn’t have to fight alone.

But then the door knob turns, the hinges on the heavy wooden frame making the slightest bit of noise, and she sees her boyfriend’s head pop in, a sullen look on his face. She’s not alone, hasn’t been so in years, and thinking that she needed to fight this by herself was a mistake. She knew it the minute she told Killian not to follow her when she came home last night.

“Hey, can I come in?”

“It’s your bedroom.”

“Emma,” he sighs, taking a step inside and closing the door behind him, “we have to talk eventually.”

“I just needed a day to myself. I don’t really want to talk to anyone.”

So maybe old habits die hard, and maybe as much as she wants a support system, she doesn’t actually want to talk about this anymore. It’s all they ever seem to talk about.

“I understand that, love, but you’ve been holed up in here since yesterday.”

She groans, throwing her head back against the pillow before sitting up and resting her back against the headboard, bringing the comforter with her so that she’s still wrapped in its warmth. It only takes a nod of her head for Killian to get the hint that it’s okay for him to come sit down, and he quickly steps over to the bed and settles down onto his side, keeping noticeable space between them.

They’re silent for seconds that stretch into minutes. Killian sits quietly with his ankles crossed and hands folded together in his lap, and she knows that he’s waiting for her to say the first words. He extended the olive branch, and she’s the one who has to take it. That’s how they work, even if it’s not what she wants right now.

“I hate this,” she finally grits out, bunching the comforter with her fists. “I want to go back to how things were before. I want to live in the shitty apartment above the pub and have you come visit me at midnight so that we can get drunk and stuff our faces with onion rings and pretzel bites and not have a care in the world besides how bad our hangovers are going to be.”

“Darling, you know we can’t do that.”

“I know. I know that. I know that we made this decision together even if we were pushed, not really having a choice of our own, and I know that what we’re doing is going to be worth it. But God, Killian, I feel like I’m drowning.”

Tears well up in her eyes, and she closes them to try to get the water to go away. But the hot tears stay, and when she can’t take having her eyes closed anymore, she opens them only for the tears to furiously fall. She wants them to stop, needs them to stop, but it’s like the dam has broken and she really is drowning. Shit. She really hates crying.

She hunches forward to curl in on herself, wrapping her arms around her knees and letting the comforter fall from around her while Killian’s hand rubs up and down her back in soothing circles, silently trying to help her through this, which really only makes everything worse. This isn’t fair. She knows that life isn’t fair and that it’s absolutely ridiculous for her to be bemoaning how much her life sucks right now while having a meltdown in a fucking palace, but she feels how she feels.

Her dad used to say something about not comparing her happiness to others in the same way that she shouldn’t compare her sadness to others, and she wishes she could remember the exact phrase now. She’s pretty sure the gist of it was to not compare, that comparison is the thief of any joy.

“I’m so sorry, my love. I’m so, so sorry. You don’t deserve any of this.”

She chuckles under her breath, but it’s all snot and tears, her throat getting clogged until she coughs to try to release all of the mucus and emotions that are stuck there. “I really hate people, you know? First, we have your asshole of a family, then my asshole of an ex, and now there’s just assholes everywhere giving their opinions on everything I do like it’s any of their business. I just want to be with you, to be in love, without having the rug pulled out from underneath me. It keeps happening.”

“Things are going to calm down,” he reassures her, his hand practically rubbing a hole into her t-shirt with how much it’s moving. “We’re working on it. We have the statement, our legal team, your security. It’s going to be better, and you won’t have to go through things like this anymore. There won’t be any more sobbing in the bedroom.”

“How can you say that? I’ve been with you for five years, Killian. I know the hell that you go through. I know that the same will be happening to me.”

“You learn to live with it. That’s all I can say. I wish I could help more, protect you more, and while I can’t promise you anything that is out of my control, I can say that I think the worst of it is over. We can literally only go up from here.”

Sighing, she leans back into his embrace, letting him wrap his arm around her shoulder and tucking her head against his side while he whispers soothing words against her forehead, pressing kisses against her temple between every statement.

“Why can’t we have fights like normal people?”

He chuckles against her hairline before rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “The other day you got right pissed at me for chewing too loudly. That’s normal. We have normal fights all the damn time. They simply don’t usually end with one of us hiding away in the bedroom and staining the pillowcases with our mascara.”

“It washes out,” she answers automatically, wondering why the hell he’s concerned with that of all things right now. But then he cups her chin, turning her face to look at him, and the smirk on his face makes her realize he was messing with her. Oh. She really is all out of sorts. “Are you really trying to pick a fight to prove a point?”

“I’m trying to pick a fight to make you feel better.”

“That’s weird.”

“Eh.”

“No seriously.”

“But is it though?”

“Weird? Definitely.”

“Brilliant is a much better fit, I think.”

“Debatable.”

“I repeat. Is it though?”

Her breath hitches as she realizes what it is he’s doing, distracting her from everything with his nonsensical words and stupid faces that he’s been making while they’ve been bantering back and forth. He’s…she’s known for a long time that she wanted to be with Killian for the rest of her life, something that she never thought she would be thinking about any man after Neal, but she really is willing to go through hell for him. It’s all insane and a little bit unreal, but he knows her in a way that no one else does.

Killian knows how to distract her from her problems. He knows and understands that she likes to be by herself, doesn’t mind it at all, but that there are times when she wants to be with him or her friends and families. He knows the things that she thinks about when it’s two in the morning and she can’t sleep, and he knows how to read her when no one else in the world can.

They’ve come from worlds that couldn’t be further apart, but at their cores, they’re the same. And that’s exactly why they work at the end of the day. She understands him and the places where he’s broken, and he does the same to her.

But he also just makes her laugh, and he makes her happy. And she has to convince herself that sometimes in the future, she won’t remember the time she crumbled under all of the stress and pressure of this new life she’s been slowly stumbling into for over half of a decade.

“Can we get pizza delivered here, babe?”

His head recoils, but a bright smile stretches across his face, obviously happy that she’s now smiling too.

“Yeah, love, I think we can do that.”

The moment she steps off the plane, she can already feel the difference in the weather in Spain versus back at home. There are still days where she wakes up to let Indy outside that she has to bundle up in a jacket and in thick clothes from the occasionally biting chill of late May. But it’s the first day of June now, and they’re staying in Mallorca for a little over a week to get away from work for a little while. And for their two-year anniversary, but the stars simply seemed to align for them to be able to get away for that day.

She and Killian load up into the car after packing away their suitcases with Thomas’s help. She hadn’t wanted him to come, hadn’t wanted the security while they’re off on vacation, but it was apparently necessary, though he does promise that he and the rest of the team will be as discreet as possible. She loves Thomas. She really does. He’s like having another uncle, but you don’t really want your uncle to travel with you on vacation with your husband.

True to his word, after dropping them off at their house, Thomas leaves to make his way to the house next door, leaving she and Killian to explore their home for the next few days. As nice as it is, all she really cares about is the fact that as she walks through the rooms, there are floor-to-ceiling windows that look out onto the beach, the clear blue ocean and rocky hills of the area in full view no matter where they are in the home. She can already feel the sand between her toes and the ocean air tangling her hair, and she absolutely cannot wait.

They both love being near the ocean. It became a hobby and rare thing for Killian to be near the ocean when he was younger, even with his love of sailing, but she grew up within a few minutes’ walk of the ocean and a sandy beach. And while the sands weren’t as white and the water not as clear, it’s still the same when it comes down to it.

Sighing in contentment, she steps over to the sliding glass doors in the living room, bypassing the cozy white couches with light yellow pillows and what have to be the softest looking blankets she has ever seen, and opens the door, taking a step out onto the deck and immediately feeling the sunshine beating down on her face and the breeze blowing through her hair like every cliché that there’s ever been of a woman on the beach.

She hasn’t felt this relaxed in weeks, even when sitting in the comfort of her own home, and she can’t help the smile that stretches across her face.

“You happy, love?” Killian asks, taking a step behind her and wrapping his arm around her waist so that his fingers mess with the protruding strip of skin below her t-shirt and above her leggings, the fit of his arms not quite the same as what she’s used to.

“So happy. This is fantastic. It’s been far too long since we’ve been to an actual beach.”

“Aye, the beaches in England aren’t exactly the same as beaches like this.”

“Yeah, what’s up with that? Can we get your dad to fix them?”

He chuckles beside her before his lips find her temple. “I’ll add it to the list of things to fix. I’m sure it’s the biggest problem we’re facing right now and totally in his control.”

“Stop,” she groans, rolling her eyes at his teasing. “You know what I mean.”

“I do. What do you want for lunch? You haven’t eaten since breakfast this morning.”

“Surprise me. I’ll go unpack while you cook, okay?” She turns to head toward the staircase when she stops, biting her bottom lip and muttering a curse underneath her breath. She didn’t think about this, and it’s by far one of the things she hates most about being pregnant right now because she could totally lift those suitcases without any issue. “Killian, I need you to grab the big suitcases.”

“You really didn’t want to ask me to do that, did you?”

“Not at all.”

After she and Killian get the suitcases upstairs, he goes back downstairs to fix them dinner all while she puts away their clothes into the closet. She’s always been one to live out of her suitcase while on vacation, but Killian likes to hang clothes and fold them into draws. He claims it saves time when they’re packing up to leave, but she’s never seen proof of that. Of course, it probably doesn’t help that she leaves her stuff piled on a chair after she wears them.

She’s always thought if there’s anything for she and Killian to come to major blows about, it’s going to be how she handles her laundry.

She takes a moment to explore their bedroom, running her hands along the mattress and feeling the softness of all of the blankets and pillows. It’s beautiful, and then she sees the door that leads out to the balcony, the glass panes blocked by the closed blinds. After turning the knob, she opens up the door, the heat of the sun not beating down on her skin up here, the canopy surrounding her letting her have the view of the ocean when she doesn’t want the heat. Yeah, she could definitely get used to this.

The rest of the night passes quickly, the two of them eating the stir fry Killian whipped up, and then settling out on the back porch to watch the sun set like the elderly couple they are.

And that’s how the first few days of their vacation go, waking whenever they please and wandering out to the beach, letting the sand sink in between her toes as she walks along the shoreline, picking up the occasional broken shell so she has something to fiddle with. She can’t walk far from the house, though, the strip of land that’s private to them only stretching so far, so when she walks the length of it, she makes her way back to where Killian is reclined in a chair under the umbrella reading one of his books and toeing into the white sand so that he’s dug a deep enough hole for a small child to play in.

After four days, both of their skins slightly sun kissed, Thomas clears them to go into town, sweeping a small café in the harbor for them to eat dinner. It’s a beautiful night, the sailboats traveling in and out of the harbor while people mill up and down the docks. It’s still far too early for people to be eating, at least by Spain’s standards, so she and Killian have a relatively private night, only Thomas sitting out on the open patio with them as well as another couple who seems to be three sheets to the wind.

“Do you want to see if we can go sailing tomorrow?”

Killian takes a sip of his wine, his profile turned to her so she can see the defined line of his jaw and the gulp of his throat as the wine travels down. “Aye, that’d be nice. Do you think you’ll get queasy?”

“No, why would I get queasy?”

He turns to look at her then, his eyes especially blue with the ocean behind him. “You’re pregnant. Some pregnant women get nauseous while out on the ocean, no matter where they are in the pregnancy. Or that’s what the books have said.” “We’ve really got to expand your literature choices, babe.”

“Really? Because I was reading about the actually delivery earlier and – ”

“Woah, woah, woah,” she groans, holding her hand up and clapping it over his mouth so he’ll shut up, “we are not talking about that tonight. No baby talk, no pregnancy talk, and especially no delivery talk, got it?”

“Got it.”

So they don’t talk about anything baby related, leaving it all behind them as she has Killian in stiches imitating Liam when he got drunk at his birthday party and started singing songs to Abigail, much to Abigail’s embarrassment. Forty was really hitting him hard, apparently, and as much as Liam likely doesn’t remember that, she has video proof to save that forever. Her face begins to hurt the longer their dinner goes on, far too much smiling and laughing in such a short period of time, and she knows it’s time to go home when Killian starts snorting instead of his usual laughter.

They walk home from the restaurant, their hands intertwined as they navigate the small streets and corner shops on this side of the island. She makes a mental note to stop by some of them sometime later this week, but right now, all she really wants to do is go back home with laughter lines on her face and amusement constantly moving through her belly. Killian regales her with a story of him as a child when Allison took him to a water park and how he’d fallen off the raft on the way down the slide. She’d never heard that story before, had never heard how he broke his arm that day, and even though she’s sure that it hurt like hell, she can’t help but laugh imagining a young Killian flying off the slide.

“You’re bloody sadistic if you find that funny.”

“Oh come on,” she tugs on his hand, bringing his knuckles up to her lips to kiss while the house comes into view, “you were laughing while you were telling the story. It’s funny.”

“You’re messed up, darling.”

“Never said I wasn’t. Besides, I think we’re a bit delusional tonight because there’s no way in hell we’re this hysterical.”

When they get to the house, walking up the steps and standing on the front porch, she begins fishing for her key to unlock the door when Killian stops her, yanking on her arm and pulling her toward him so that she’s looking up at him while he smirks down at her.

“What?

“Will you go out with me again, Emma?”

She snorts, shaking her head back and forth before wrapping her arms around his neck and playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. How is it always this soft? “I feel like you’ve asked me that before, and I also feel like my answer will be the same.”

“So a yes?”

“Obviously,” she sighs, leaning up so that her lips can brush his. “You are a damn good person to date.”

“That’s good. I feel like you might have married the wrong man had I not been good and wining and dining you.”

“Well, I can’t have any wine right now, but we can still do all of the fun post date activities.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. I didn’t put on my good bra not to get lucky tonight.”

Killian throws his head back in laughter, the lines in his neck straining, and she kisses the underside of his jaw before unhooking her arms and shuffling through her purse for they key, unlocking the door and stepping inside with Killian at her heels. She takes a minute to unstrap her wedges, her feet thanking her the moment she’s barefooted and back to her normal height, before quickly walking over to the staircase and heading upstairs, Killian at her heels.

She moves to unzip her dress herself, but Killian’s hands stop her, moving her hair over her shoulder and kissing her neck and down her back as he slowly unzips the dress, the material falling off her shoulders as he goes. Every touch of his lips sends the smallest of shivers throughout her body, and she sighs in pleasure as his scruff rubs against her skin.

“You are so beautiful, Emma.”

She feels her cheeks heat in response to his words, in response to the way his voice dips low, and for a moment, she feels like they’re about to sleep together for the first time instead of the thousandth. But then her dress gets stuck on her protruding stomach, something that definitely wouldn’t be there had this been their first time together, and she’s shaken out of her thoughts. Besides, as special as that time was, it’s better now. There are no awkward pauses, even if there are awkward movements and the occasional cramped leg, and he knows exactly how to make her sigh and moan in the ecstasy and the pleasure of it all.

Once she gets her dress off her body, she turns to face Killian, slanting her lips over his and immediately tilting her head as his tongue licks into her mouth in a warm, wet slide that makes her body tingle the slightest bit, desire building in her core. His hands find her bottom, lightly kneading her ass while his hips slowly roll into hers, his hardening length evident through his jeans even with the slight barrier that keeps them from pushing together as much as they used to.

Slowly, Killian backs them up to the bed, her eyes only opening to make sure she’s not going to trip over anything on the way to the mattress. She doesn’t, gently falling back against the mattress while Killian kisses down her chest, fingering at the lace of her bra while making sure not to press his body weight down on her. Her hips jaunt up into his, making him growl into her skin, and she closes her eyes while his tongue traces over a nipple, bringing it to a hard peak while his fingers pinch and squeeze at the other, driving her into madness while he’s still fully dressed.

Yeah, this is so much better than the first time.

“Take off your clothes.”

“Well, you have to buy a man dinner first.”

“I did,” she laughs, opening her eyes and seeing him smirking down at her with his tongue running over his bottom lip, which does not help her impatience at all. “I paid that bill.”

“A very good point.” He pecks her lips before standing and quickly unbuttoning his shirt while she reaches around and undoes her bra, letting it fall off her shoulders and tossing it to the corner of the bed while she pulls off her underwear, having to squirm to get them off all while Killian easily shucks his pants

She kind of hates him for how his body is still the same when she has to sleep with pillows stuffed under random body parts to be comfortable.

Before she can move, Killian takes hold of her ankle, the wetness of his lips tracing the lines of her skin as he moves up her leg while his fingers deftly dance across her skin and his whiskers leave red marks where they brush her. He continues to move while she watches him, her gaze only leaving his when he gets to her inner thigh and she has to close her eyes at his touch, the sensations all too much for her. Then there’s a slight nibble, followed by a harsher bite, and her eyes fly open while she gasps.

“W-what the hell was that? Are you trying to give my thigh a hickey?”

“No,” he promises, kissing the spot where he just bit, “but I was trying to get you to open your eyes.”

“You could have just asked.” “Where’s the fun in that?”

She shakes her head as she laughs, propping herself up on her elbows to give herself enough momentum to lean forward and wrap her hand around Killian’s cock, gently stroking it to hardness while he clenches his jaw and hisses at her touch.

Yeah, she really likes that she has this kind of effect on him.

“Sit down, babe,” she tells him, releasing his length and moving back so that he can settle down on the bed, propping himself up against the headboard. She crawls over to him and plants her knees on either side of his thighs and lines his length up to her entrance, teasing him the slightest bit just because she can, before sinking down onto him and letting him fill her.

He feels good, always so good, heavy and thick within her in a way that makes her breath leave her body every damn time.

His hands find her hips, holding on tightly and steadying her while her hands land on her shoulders, fingernails digging into the skin and leaving crescent moon marks all while she takes this in. “You okay, Emma? You’re comfortable?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she says, nodding her head and bending down to slide her lips over his as her hips begin to move. She’s always been a fan of long, deep thrusts that are slow enough to drive her mad but lately she’s been all about short and shallow, letting Killian hit that spot inside of her that makes her gasp for breath. So that’s what she does, using the strength in her legs to move above Killian while his lips press hotly into the skin of her neck, making her gasp and groan with every brush of his lips and slide of his tongue.

“You feel fucking fantastic,” Killian whispers into her ear, nibbling down on the lobe as his warm breath ghosts across her skin. “You always do, and I don’t think I’ll ever tire of you.”

He’s said the words before. She knows he has, likely many a time, but she doesn’t care, not with the way that he feels or the way that his voice sounds, deep and husky, his accent rolling off his tongue while she continues to roll her hips.

When her movements get a little more intense, her hips allowing him deeper, he groans into her mouth, her teeth lightly biting his upper lip while his fingers leave marks of their own in her hips. But then one hand moves from her hips at the same time that his tongue moves into her mouth, still tasting of the wine he had while at dinner, and his thumb finds them where they’re joined, alternating between slow, gentle circles and hard, fast rubs. Her orgasm takes her breath away, overwhelming her to the point where she can’t keep moving and has to hold onto Killian while her pleasure bursts and curls around her.

As she comes back to herself, Killian gently moves her to lay back against the mattress, making sure she’s comfortable before he slides back into her and finds his own pleasure, slowly fucking her into the mattress while he hovers above her. It only takes a few more minutes before he’s groaning above her and whispering every obscenity he knows as he spills himself into her, every word he says coming out on a stuttered breath.

She looks up at the ceiling, watching the fan turn in circles all while Killian continues to breath into her skin, somehow still not having collapsed onto the bed until he nearly does, pulling out of her with a hiss and leaving her feeling oddly empty all the while he walks away and into the bathroom, giving her a view of his spectacular ass.

She’s so glad that he’s her forever.

For reasons other than the spectacular ass and the impressive bedroom skills, but she still kind of feels like some kind of sated mess with her sweaty hair and quickly beating heart.

Killian comes back a minute later with a warm wash cloth, gently wiping down her thighs and her core before throwing it in the basket in the corner of the room as he crawls under the sheets and settles himself down. She stills needs to get up, to go pee, but she’s basking in the glory of it all.

“Wear yourself out there, darling?”

“Yes,” she answers honestly, tilting her head and looking at him with a timid smile stretched across her lips. “My thighs feel like jelly, but I’m good.” She has to push herself up, standing and giving herself a bit of time to adjust to standing before heading to the bathroom and peeing, washing her hands and her face afterward before heading back into the bedroom, not bothering to get dressed as she crawls into bed with Killian. They’ll probably be in the mood again later, and it’s not like it’s cold in here.

But she does pull the blanket up over her while scooting over and settling in under Killian’s arm, letting him tug her closer with his arm wrapped around her shoulder and his lips pressing into her hair.

“I kind of missed date night.” “Aye, me too. I’m sorry that we’ve fallen behind on that.”

She leans over and kiss his shoulder, right where there are still a few marks from her fingers. “That’s not your fault. We’ve been busy. It’s hard for us to go out places, and I like chilling with you at home. I don’t have to wear pants.”

He snickers into her hair, all while his hand rubs up and down her shoulder. “That is a good point, but you deserve to be romanced. Truly.”

“I have a very romantic husband, even when he doesn’t realize it, so I think I’ve got it pretty good in that department. Plus, you know, I am obviously the most romantic of the two of us.” “Well, of course, darling. I won’t even debate you on that.”

“You don’t want me to get mad at you, huh? Because we both know that’s not true.”

“Exactly.”

“You deserve to be romanced too, babe.”

“Well, I was. A very beautiful woman bought me dinner tonight, and then I got lucky. What more could I ask for?”

God, she loves him.

The waves wash up onto the shore, clear blue water turning into white crests that rush over her toes and cause her feet to sink into the wet sand while the sun beats down on her skin. She knew it would be hot here, she’s on an island in Spain in June after all, but after so many years living in England, weather like this takes some getting used to, especially with the heat wave in the past few days. Sweat is beading at the nape of her neck and down the small of her back, so when she and Killian get back to their house after their walk, she decides to take a dip in the ocean before going to relax on the deck.

“Come on,” she urges Killian, grabbing on his wrist and encouraging him to follow her into the ocean, the cool salt water already feeling much better than the balmy air.

She wades out until she can barely touch the sand at the ocean floor, floating while Killian continues to have his feet firmly planted on the ground. It’s so incredibly quiet out here, the occasional boat driving by in the distance or a seagull calling out before dipping into the ocean for a flopping fish, and she’s really enjoying being able to get away somewhere different than what she’s used to.

A small wave crashes over them, her pulled-up hair getting wet, and when she looks over at Killian, he’s spitting out water while his hair sticks down on his forehead. She chuckles under her breath before wading over to him and wrapping her legs around his waist, her stomach making the fit different than usual, and pushing herself up to push his hair back, the strands somehow filled with sand.

“What the heck did you do? Dive down and bury your head in the sand?”

Killian clicks his tongue as one hand finds its way to rest under her thigh, holding her up, while his other hand moves to rest on her face, thumb tracing her cheekbone. “It’s the beach, love. Sand is everywhere.”

“Not this much.”

“Well, I’m obviously special. What happened to us going up to the deck and having something to eat? I’m starved.”

“I was hot.”

“You are hot.”

“That’s very nice of you to say but also not your best compliment.”

“Oh, it wasn’t a compliment. I was simply saying your skin feels warm.” She slaps his shoulder before brushing her lips against the salt-covered skin there. “We can go inside to the air conditioning if you’re too hot. It’s getting to be the middle of the day, anyways. Protection from the sun and all that.”

“I just want to stay out here for one more moment, and then I want to go inside and take a shower.” Killian waggles his eyebrows then, amusement filling his features. “Alone, Cassanova. I know we’ve done it before, but shower sex is not that great. And I’m not risking the whole falling thing, not even on our anniversary.”

He sighs dramatically, tiling his head back and giving her access to his throat, allowing her to press several kisses there until she gets to his jaw, his scruff having grown out this week. “That may seem sensible. I guess a bed will do.”

After a few minutes of enjoying the water, a few more fish swimming over her legs and causing shivers to run through her body, they begin to move back to shore only for Killian to stop before she can start rising out of the water. She runs into his back, nearly falling back but catching herself on his shoulders.

“What are you doing, babe?”

“There’s a group of photographers to our right, up on the balcony of the house that’s back by the lagoon. Fuck.”

She gulps, knowing that the privacy they were enjoying is truly over. She doesn’t mind the photographers sometimes, understanding that it’s a part of her life now as absolutely insane as that is, but she minds them now that she’s supposed to be on a private vacation enjoying one of her last few times with Killian…just the two of them.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I don’t – I don’t want pictures of me in my bikini. They’ll tear me apart and then sell the pictures for my stomach. And I don’t want them getting any more fucking pictures than they already have.”

“Okay,” he sighs, his jaw clinching in frustration while his hands ball into fists. She knows he’s having to restrain himself from shouting at them because there’s no one who hates photographers more than Killian. And if what they were doing wasn’t totally legal, the house they’re very obviously renting fair game since they’re not stepping foot on the property she and Killian are staying on, she’s sure he would try to take some kind of legal action…or smash cameras. Not that he would do that, but she’s sure he wants to. “Stay here, love, and I’m going to go get you the big beach towel to cover yourself.”

She wades a bit back in the ocean, trying to conceal herself even with the clear water, while Killian jogs up ahead, letting himself get photographed as he grabs the towel from their deck and jogs back to her, holding the towel open and blocking them from seeing her until she can wrap the white material around her, trying not to think about how they likely have already gotten pictures when they were walking on the beach or when she and Killian were just making out.

“I want to smash every single one of those cameras.”

“I know, love, but we can’t. Come on, let’s go inside.”

The anger and irritation festers and grows all while she’s in the shower, the cold water not doing anything to cool her down, and by the time she gets out she doesn’t realize that she’s shivering until her teeth start clattering together. God, she shouldn’t be so pissed, but this bothers her the more she thinks about it. She gets it. They’re public figures, so obviously they don’t have privacy. But more than that they’re human beings with real lives and real feelings, and she wishes this wasn’t how things worked. She wants to be able to go somewhere outside of the walls of their home and be them without people attempting to take pictures.

She throws on some pajama pants and a t-shirt, twisting her wet hair into a bun on the top of her head, not caring about the tangles that will inevitably be there, before heading back out in the bedroom to find Killian closing the blinds and curtains they’d opened this morning. When she peaks around the corner and stands on the balcony to look downstairs out into the living room, she sees that he’s done the same with the blinds in there.

“Thomas says as long as they stay in the house, anything they take is fair game. If they step onto the beach, though, that’s when we could do something.”

“I know.”

“When did you become an expert on this?”

“Right about the time that our relationship went public and I was pretty much stalked.”

“It’s going to be fine, love.” He shrugs, smiling at her with that big, toothy grin of his. “It’s just some pictures. There’s a hell of a lot of pictures of us out there.”

Something twists in her gut, the anger that was heating inside of her while in the shower reaching a boiling point, all of her thoughts and fears suddenly in the forefront of her mind instead of locked away in the back. For someone who was so pissed about it while outside, Killian seems perfectly fine now.

“No, you don’t get it,” she bites, her entire body heating again while she flexes her fist. “This isn’t about you or me. This is about Andy. I don’t want him photographed and stalked and all of that insane shit when he’s a child. That’s disturbed, and he shouldn’t have to deal with that just because of who his parents are.”

“I think I do get it, Emma. Welcome to my entire life.”

She scoffs, throwing her head back while she paces the bedroom, taking her hair down and twisting the tips so she has something to do that’s not smashing something. “Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ve heard it and seen it all a million times, but you seem to not think this is a big deal.”

Killian raises his eyebrows then, his face recoiling while his lips part before settling into a straight line. “Of course I think it’s a big deal. I’m the one who saw them, who stopped you from getting out of the water, who let them photograph me so that you didn’t have to be.”

“Yeah, well, how can I ever thank you for your heroic acts?”

“Fuck, Emma, what the hell is wrong with you right now? What have I done to make you pissed at me?”

“Maybe it’s the fact that the only reason I’m even in this situation is because of you. The only reason I have to worry about the privacy of my baby is because of you.”

“Wow,” Killian whistles, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the door to the balcony. “That’s fucking low, Emma. First of all, I know that this is my fault. I’m aware of that every time something like this happens, and that kills me. But secondly, Andy isn’t just your child. He’s mine too, and his safety and privacy are a priority to me far above my own. You of all people should know that by now.” He storms across the room then, heading into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him so that it shakes in its frame.

She slaps her hands on her thighs, her entire body humming with frustration, before taking a step out of the bedroom toward the hallway and pacing, her feet practically running a hole into the wood. It’s been a long time since she and Killian yelled at each other like that, and she feels every word he said settling into her bones, the realness of it making her feel heavy.

The moment the words came out of her mouth, the ones where she blamed Killian for being the reason she and Andy don’t get to live a life or normalcy and privacy, she knew that she was wrong, that she had been the one to fuck up. Killian was being calm, rational, trying to talk her down. That’s what he does even when his blood is boiling inside, and she went off on him.

Shit.

Shoot. They’re supposed to be working on cursing.

That went out the window the moment she suggested it. Not yet. They can figure that out later.

Suddenly, the weight becomes too much, the heaviness of knowing that she hurt Killian makes her sink to the ground, resting her back against the wall and wrapping her arms around her knees while hot tears sting in her eyes, a few of them falling on her cheeks. She knows talking to Killian will be the easy part, she knows he’ll forgive her and she him, but she still said the words, laid the blame on him, and knowing him as she does, she’s sure he’s in the shower blaming himself and taking her words to heart.

Shit.

She screwed up.

How could she have been so dumb? She knows exactly what Killian has been through for his entire life. She knows about all of the stress and the lack of privacy, the inability to just be a person who screws up without being scrutinized by everyone in the world. She’s seen the emotional toll it’s taken on him, watched him shut himself off from the people he loves, watched him sob over it, and she still told him that he didn’t understand. She still blamed him for their child having to experience the same thing, as if that isn’t one of Killian’s worst fears, one of the things that she finds him up in the middle of the night worrying about.

She’d once woken around three in the morning to find him caressing her stomach, promising to be a good father even though he didn’t have one of those for the first three decades of his life, and it took everything in her not to sob and let him know she was awake.

She’s obviously some kind of evil glutton for punishment because this should not have happened. She should have been better.

Andy starts moving in her belly, something that’s pretty much a constant now, and she wipes her cheeks, removing the salt from her skin, before running her hand up and down the curve of her stomach.

“I’m sorry, kid. I just…your daddy and I love you a lot, but you’re going to have a weird life. And I don’t know if you’re going to hate it or love it, but I’m…we’re going to try to make it really good for you. It’s not going to be like when your dad was a kid. We’re not going to put you through that.”

“Emma,” Killian sighs, her head snapping over to where he’s standing just outside the bedroom, a towel tied around his waist while water beads on his chest, “what are you doing on the floor?”

“I don’t know.”

How much time has passed that he’s already out of the shower? How long was she pacing? How long has she been sitting here? She doesn’t even know. It’s all blurred together and confusing, and she doesn’t remember anything but the hurt look on Killian’s face before he walked away.

Killian sighs, taking a few steps over to her and reaching his hands out for her to grab. She takes them, feeling the warmth of his palms as he tugs her up. “Come on. Let’s go talk.”

She nods, knowing it was coming, and finds her feet, following Killian into the bedroom. He drops his towel, his bare body doing absolutely nothing to help all of the emotions she’s going through, before sliding into a pair of sweatpants and settling down on the bed. She doesn’t know what to do, where to sit, and when her gaze finds Killian’s, his face twists, lips pursing, before he pats the mattress next to her.

“I’m sorry,” Killian sighs as she settles down onto the bed, making sure to keep space between them.

“No, no, Killian. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. Every bit of that fight is on me.”

“Every bit of this is my fault. You’re only in situations like this because of me.”

How did she know he would do this? He stormed out of them pissed at her, and rightly so, and then managed to turn all of this onto himself. He’s got to stop doing things like this when it isn’t his fault. He should be able to recognize when things are on her.

“Hey,” she coos, tentatively reaching over to him and placing her hand on his thigh. “I chose this, okay. I chose you knowing the consequences of my decision. I don’t like a lot of them, but I love you. We didn’t go through all of that shit three years ago for you to get all self-loathing now, especially when I’m the one who fucked up and picked a fight because I was upset about something outside of your control.”

He scoffs, and she sighs, reaching up to caress his face, feeling the pricks of his ungroomed beard under her skin. “This isn’t a problem that goes away simply because we have a conversation about it. Those pictures are still going to exist. Those and a million more over the years are going to happen. There are going to be pictures of us, of Andy, of any other children we have. People are going to follow him to school. It’s fucked up, but it’s real.”

She feels the sting of tears in the back of her eyes again, all of her earlier thoughts coming back to her all the while Andy flips around in her stomach, making everything so much more real in the moment than any hypothetical she could think up.

“I don’t want that. At all. He’s just a kid, an infant. He hasn’t even been born yet.”

“Emma,” Killian soothes, taking her hand and bringing it to his lips, kissing up and down her knuckles, “we’re going to figure this out. We’ll hire more security. We’ll live somewhere more private. We’ll do absolutely everything we can to protect him. I will not live in a world where our son has to have a childhood like mine.”

“So what do we do?”

“Right now, nothing. This is shaping up to be a pretty shitty anniversary, and I’d like to move on from this. I nearly punched the stone wall in the shower, but then I realized a broken hand would only make this worse, don’t you think?”

“Definitely. So you’re not pissed beyond belief at me?”

He clicks his tongue, and the nerves start to stir in her stomach until he wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her closer. “I was. Emma, I get how upset you were. I was too, but we’re a team, you and me. You don’t carry these burdens on your own. You do a hell of a lot more than me when it comes to Andrew, and I fully intend on making up for that, but I promise you that I have his best interests at heart. But this has been my entire life. I’ve never gone anywhere without looking over my shoulder and at some point, I just accepted it. But that doesn’t mean I’m accepting it for the two of you.”

“You shouldn’t have to accept it for you either.”

“Eh, but I have. I’d love my privacy too, but I’m willing to take the focus of the media if it means that you guys get to live in relative privacy.”

She turns her head and pushes up so that she can brush a kiss against the corner of his lips, taking his left hand and fiddling with his wedding ring, the cool brush of metal a constant reminder that they’re in this together.  

“When we get home, let’s talk to Brennan and Thomas about it, okay? Or we can at least save it until tomorrow. Today is our day, and I’m sorry that I ruined it. I...we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Aye, love. It’s ours. You’re so easy to please sometimes, darling.”

“That’s probably how I got pregnant.”

Killian barks out a laugh then, throwing his head back before wrapping his arm further around her waist, tugging her impossibly closer and rubbing his hand up and down her sides. “I love you, my little weirdo.”

“That’s not my favorite of your terms of endearment.”

“But it’s a very apt description of you.”

“Eh,” she protests, leaning her head against his shoulder, “but I love you too. You want to have Thomas go get us some pizza and then not leave this bed for the rest of the day?”

“Definitely.”

It’s later that they’re resting in the darkness of the bedroom, the white comforter pulled over them with a half-eaten box of pizza (yes, they really did travel to Spain only to eat delivery pizza) resting on the floor (the bed was getting uncomfortable, okay) and the television playing in the background, when she feels the baby move for the first time since a few hours ago, his usual movement having quieted.

She grabs Killian’s hand, bringing it over to her stomach and resting it there. “Can you feel that?”

He doesn’t say anything, humming in contentment while his fingers tap against her belly. “Is that…is that him?”

“Yeah, that’s him. You can feel it?”

“Aye,” he chokes out, his voice trailing off while his hand stays perfectly still. She’s watching his hand until she turns to watch Killian’s face and the way that he’s intently focused on his hand over her stomach, the softest of smiles on his face. “Hello, Andy.” She feels him kick again, this time a little bit harder. “Hi. I’m so glad you’ve finally decided to let me join in. Mummy was having all of the fun, and I was getting jealous, little love. I thought I’d been talking to her stomach like an idiot for nothing.”

“Hey,” she protests, reaching over and slapping his shoulder, “you have been looking like an idiot for a reason. Not for nothing.”

“Always so comforting with your words, my love.” “I try.”

“Did you convince him to kick for me today since you forgot my present at home?”

“If I had that kind of control, he wouldn’t kick on my bladder, and I wouldn’t have a mushy, distracted brain with crazy hormones. Also, thin ice, bud. Thin ice. I’m still mad at myself for doing that.”

Killian snickers beside her as he moves his hand off of her stomach and wraps it back around her shoulder. “Don’t be. We can have an entire extra day to celebrate. Plus, we have the frozen cake at home.”

“Oh God, that stuff was disgusting. I don’t want to eat it again.”

“It really was nasty, wasn’t it?”

They stay inside the house for the last few days of their vacation…or holiday. Some American terms simply don’t die. She almost goes out a few times, not wanting to let these people win and keep her from living her life, but at the end of the day, she’s happier staying inside and simply relaxing. If she were to go out, she knows she’d be anxious and riled up, so curling up onto the living room couch and binge watching all of the shows they’ve missed sounds like the end of a perfect vacation to her.

It’s a smooth flight home, even if the turbulence causes her to have a bit of nausea, and they’re greeted by Indy the moment they walk in the door, several notes from their dog walker left on the kitchen counter detailing the times she was let out and fed.

“Hey, my girl,” she coos, scratching behind Indy’s ears while her tail wags so ferociously that she could knock down furniture. “I missed you. Yeah, yeah. We’re going to have to not leave you for so long. That’s not fair to you. Babe, let’s take her on a walk after we rest for a bit, okay?”

“Sounds good to me.”

It’s later, after they’ve rested and unpacked, that they’re putting Indy on her leash and heading toward the front door when there’s a knock and then a ring of the doorbell. When Killian’s unlocks it and swings the door open, Brennan is standing on their doormat.

“Can I come in, son?”

#second in command #cs fic #cs ff #captain swan fic

[where-fading-princesses-live]

a fanmix for big picture show | ►LISTEN

@eene-fangirl

1) I picked this song by The Hollies, because not only does it fit the theme of Eddy and his brother, but also the friendship between the Eds. I also think it’s a good road trip song. 

2) This song talks about two people who did something so wrong that they have to leave town, but it’s also about fate bringing two people together despite the circumstances, and how, even through the worst times, love can survive because ‘’it’s written in the stars’’. The singer’s lover is a con man, and despite their apparent bad luck due to his life of crime, she considers herself very lucky to have him, so it has a BONNIE & CLYDE to it. Unlike the story of Romeo and Juliet, the stars of Lana and her lover align perfectly  so they are not star-crossed lovers doomed to not be. They are soul-mates. I think it fits the Eds being on the run, and also staying together through it all and being lucky enough to find a friendship so pure and strong. 

3) This song I found by accident. It’s very Indie, but I think it fits the mood of the Eds embarking on a journey to find Eddy’s brother. Before, they were just running away with nowhere to go-- fugitives, if you will-- but now they have a purpose. When the Eds decide upon their destination, the mood between their group somewhat shifts from hopeless to having hope and a new place to go. 

4) And speaking of hope... this song is the complete opposite of the one proceeding it, in that it’s somewhat of a downer. Basically it talks about a woman’s ‘’all hope is lost’’ moment. Considering the journey of the Eds and the rest of the kids in this movie, I feel like this song really fits their breaking point-- especially the Eds. When I heard this song for the first time, it reminded me of the infamous Swamp Scene, particularly Edd and Eddy’s fight. This is the Eds’ ‘’All Hope is Lost’’ moment, that every good three act story structure should have. It’s here when the Eds are at their lowest. This song could also fit the other kids and their ‘’All is Lost’’ moments, like Nazz and Kevin’s falling out and Rolf being ‘’betrayed’’ by his loyal pig. But it mainly makes me think of the Eds, particularly Eddy who not only blames himself for the scam that caused this mess in the first place, but also that a guy like him SHOULDN’T even have hope. 

5) ‘’Ride’’ is such a beautiful song and I highly recommend that everyone check out the music video, there’s a very lovely monologue that proceeds the song. 

But anyway, this song is pretty straightforward. It’s about a woman who lives on the road, basically in a biker gang. She kinda grows tired of the road, and not having a stable home to go back to. Lana rides in order to try and escape her life. It’s her only escape from her nightmares. So she’s been out on the road because something has gone wrong and she cannot cope with it. Self-explanatory. It’s a good road trip song. 

6- 7) I was inspired by @queen-asante but yeah, basically all the villain’s songs in the musical The Life remind me of Eddy’s brother. 

8-10) All the love ballads in the musical The Life strangely remind me of Nazz and her supposedly unrequited love triangle with Kevin and his bike. In the musical The Life, the main character, Queen, is forced to work as a prostitute on the streets of New York while her boyfriend works as a drug dealer. All she wants is to ‘’hang up her hooker shoes for good’’ and live a nice quiet life where she and her boyfriend can settle down and ‘’raise a bunch of kids’’, but her boyfriend, Fleetwood, turns out to be a loser who spends all her money on dope. So she constantly battles with herself, deciding whether or not she should leave him. In the first song, ‘’He’s No Good’’, she knows he’s just using her but she convinces herself that she would be nothing without him. In the second song, ‘’I’m Leaving You’’, she actually makes the decision to leave his ass for good. In the last song, ‘’We Had a Dream’’ she reminisces over why she made this decision (and this theme is a constant reprise throughout the show). She talks about how her and Fleet were just a couple of kids from Savannah who had dreams of New York and the life they could make together. They used to be happy, but now all Fleet cares about is drugs and money, so the dream slipped further and further away. I know the context of these songs is a lot more adult, deeper and complex than a preteen love triangle between a cheerleader, a jock and a hunk of metal, but these ballads are so incredibly beautiful, and I can imagine Nazz singing them about her and Kevin, how her and Kev used to have dreams together, but now all he cares about is his bike.  

11) And yet another song from The Life. I feel like if BPS were a musical, this would be an AMAZING Act II Opening Number, depicting all the kids, now separated and at their breaking points, singing about a ‘’someday’’ that will never come, a very cliche and overused theme in musicals, but one that works so well. Just take out all the hooker lyrics, lol. For instance, I can see the Puerto Rican hooker being Rolf in that ‘’Someday Rolf be going back to Old Country, then his life is going to be grand/ All Rolf gonna do all day is stare out at the ocean and his back will hardly ever leave the sand!’’ The gay hooker, of course, would be Jimmy in that ‘’Someday I'll be owning me the cutest little dress shop that the town of Peach Creek’s ever seen. Living like a lady in a cottage in the country with my husband and my sewing machine.’’ And Eddy will get the last lyric ‘’Someday is for suckers like me!’’

12) Last song from The Life. This is one of the most beautiful love song friendship duets in any musical ever (WICKED who?), and I can definitely see Edd and Eddy singing this to each other during Eddy’s tearful confession. 

13- 15) Because I talked about BPS having a BONNIE & CLYDE theme in that three very close friends are on the run, of course I had to include songs from the BONNIE & CLYDE musical. The first one of course is the Eds celebrating their brilliant escape from the kids. The second one ‘’Dyin’ Ain’t So Bad’’ sounds like a song Double D would sing, since death (or just getting beat up by the kids) seems pretty inevitable at this point, but it wouldn’t be so bad as long as he had his friends. And the last one is a nice reprise that all the Eds would sing.

16) Because I had so many sad songs on this list, I decided to throw in a really upbeat, happy one from none other than Hairspray. Picture this: in place of the ‘’Friends Are There to Help You’’ song, wouldn’t it have been neat if they ended BPS with a music video style end credits with all the kids singing a song similar to this? Would’ve been a great finale and left the show on such a good note. 

#eene #ed edd n eddy #fanmix

[anyway-heres-enderal]

i couldnt shut up about enderal right now if i wanted to so here’s that prophet ask meme with my prophetess fleur

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1. The basics – name, age, etc…

her name is fleur! i don’t know her last name but that’s okay because she’s kind of abandoned it. both of my vyn protags have line-of-sight, musically-inspired names so after that fuckin nightmare intro scene i had to name her as an homage to the song that was playing in my head the entire time it was happening (warning: disturbing imagery, abuse of some sort that is not shown but is strongly implied)

she’s 26 years old, half-kilean and bisexual.

2. Describe their appearance.

there’s a picture up there but a few other specifics: her hair is actually white, not just very light blonde, and she has blue eyes

3. How do they like to dress?

she jumps at the chance to wear nice clothes. she never got to back in ostian.

4. Do they have any markings (scars, tattoos, birthmarks)?

she has a few scars from a couple scuffles she got into back in nehrim. one of then is pretty gnarly-looking but it’s a diagonal from her lower chest to her left hip so once the events of enderal started rolling nobody who had seen it was still alive. word to the wise: don’t try to 1v1 a thunder lizard when you’re 14.

5. What are they like? Describe their personality (use whatever tools you like- MBTI, D&D alignment, astrological signs, Hogwarts house, words/phrases):

first of all, the only one of those tools that i have even a remotely decent grasp on is d&d alignment. she’s neutral-bordering-on-chaotic good. i don’t make characters with messages behind them (esp if they’re not for anyone’s consumption but mine) but hers would be “optimism with a dose of realism is probably the healthiest way to see the world”--she has the good sense to know when a situation or a person is beyond help but until that point she will try everything to help them. she desperately wanted to be wrong about adila and even as he was preparing his kamikaze attack she tried so hard to talk yuslan down.

to temper this, though, she takes things too seriously and she’s a bit of a crybaby (ok, not just a bit. alessia, my shadowgod, cried three times over the course of the entire main quest. fleur cried three times over the course of the very first quest that didn’t take place inside a trauma nightmare), although you could argue that she just has like. a normal human reaction to trauma, and everything that happens to her in enderal is EXTREMELY FUCKING TRAUMATIC.

since i have an easier time using tools like the ones described in the question to describe personalities, if she was a disney character she’d be rapunzel from tangled but less naive and with meaningful agency and if she was a social link/confidant in a persona game her card would be the star.

6. How would they describe themselves?

she has really low self-esteem but she doesn’t like. outright hate herself so she’s dismissive of any notion that she’s special or pretty. this probably sounds extremely sue-ish but a) i don’t give a fuck and b) every diy protagonist is at least kind of a mary sue simply because they’re the big special chosen one who all the romanceable companions have feelings for.

7. Education level?

uh. Not Any, Formally Speaking. School Of Hard Knocks. Worked For A Historian In Her Late Teens-Early Twenties And Learned Most Of What She Knows That Isn’t On The School Of Hard Knocks Curriculum That Way.

8. What are they proud of in themselves? What are they embarrassed about?

like the one notable talent that she’ll accept having is that she’s really smart and even before the Everything That Happened On The Ship Headed To Enderal she was a really quick learner.

she has ZERO prior experience with romance (she’s not in any way aromantic, she’s just never been in a romantic relationship) and she doesn’t like to tell people that, especially people she likes. she feels like they’ll think there’s something seriously wrong with her and that’s why she’s never been in a romantic relationship at age 26. 9. Do they know any languages other than Inal?

she knows like. kindergarten-level kilean.

10. What, if any, aspects of their mother’s culture influenced them growing up?

she didn’t really “grow up” with her parents, they died when she was six, but she has a strong belief in the importance of diplomacy and that’s pure Mom right there.

11. Name a song (or a few) that remind you of them.

i hope you like obscure musicals and vocaloid because that’s what you’re getting

In All My Dreams I Drown - The Devil’s Carnival Cast

Starchild - Ghost Quartet

Tears To Shed - Corpse Bride

Ever Lasting Night - Hitoshizuku-P (specifically the Miku character)

Lemonade - Sophie (sorry 4 mood whiplash)

12. Speaking of songs, can they sing? What is their voice like? How about instruments?

she’s hopeless with instruments but she’s not a bad singer by any means. sorry 4 relentless youtube links but she kind of sounds like Gelsey Bell

13. What was their life like before coming to Enderal?

it wasn’t good, i’m not going to lie. she and sirius spent a pretty decent amount of time roughing it because towns and cities kind of got progressively more dangerous as time went on, and Because Of Reasons I Won’t Go Into Here they both had pretty good reasons to avoid anyone affiliated with the temple of the creator

14. How did they decide to leave Nehrim?

it was too fuckin dangerous to try to make a life there anymore

15. Describe their relationship with Sirius.

they were siblings in all senses but blood. he got her out of a pretty bad situation when they were kids and she just stuck with him until they had been through so much together there was no other way for them to describe their relationship than “family”

16. Who do they blame for what happened to their family?

herself. survivor’s guilt is a hell of a drug and it doesn’t help that things only got worse afterward. she like. knows the temple did it, but since she doesn’t know why she’ll always wonder if there was something she could have done to stop it.

17. Apart from stowing away, have they ever broken the law?

she would be considered an accomplice to murder because she helped hide a body once (don’t worry, the victim without question deserved it)

18. How honest are they? Under what circumstances would they lie?

basically the only person she directly lies to is herself; if she’s dishonest, it’s usually by omission. the rare occasions she does outright lie it’s usually to protect someone or because there’s no way anyone would believe the truth.

19. Worst memory(s)? Best memory(s)?

Too Heavy For This Post and uhhhh. getting to spend time with her two BFFs/crushes on the Gertrude before everything started really going to shit was an extremely good memory for her.

20. Fight, or flight?

fight unless they’re like. demonstrably stronger. running away from an enemy she had a chance of defeating has always just come back to bite her. she wanted to fight the steel bird in the star city.

21. Describe their combat style.

Best Defense Is A Good Offense, Also Axes = Good. (original playthrough was greataxes and heavy armor but i’ll probably switch to war axes and light armor [or unarmored if i can swing it] when the steam release drops because apparently half-kileans are equivalent to bretons in normal skyrim terms and i can’t abide having played a heavy armor + two-handed breton twice)

22. Have they ever killed before? What is their reaction to combat?

she’s hunted animals but she’d never done more to a human than injure them enough to scare them off prior to enderal. she tries to only harm people in self-defense and may have cried a little bit (ok, quite a bit) after she had to kill firespark.

23. How do they react to having magical abilities? Do they use them?

magic makes her head feel “gross” somehow (read: she’s uniquely sensitive to arcane fever) so she doesn’t use it

24. What do they think of Enderal?

the scenery’s beautiful but the fact that it’s a theocracy and the notion of being stuck on a certain “path” depending on the circumstances of your birth freaks her out for reasons of “hey remember the oppressive religious regime that was responsible for all of your childhood trauma and continued to make your life hell before a mysterious trans power couple plus their direct superior group of outsiders instigated a rebellion that brought the whole thing down? now it controls the whole continent and everyone thinks it’s Good, Actually”

25. Did they do the Biggest Egg Hunt Ever quest?

she would have if my dumb ass hadn’t completely fuckin spaced it out and forgotten about it until it was too late. next playthrough, i swear.

26. How do they feel about joining the Order? What do they think of Arantheal?

she was not in favor of it (see: opinion of theocracies) and basically clung to the green shirts until she was inducted as a keeper. arantheal makes her uneasy but the threat of looming armageddon does a lot to help her shove that uneasiness to the side.

27. What is their opinion of the gods (or lack thereof)?

she’s not inherently against the gods but she doesn’t like organized religion

28. Wine, or pipe?

wine!

29. Do they spare or arrest Hallys, the farmer-turned-bandit in the quest, Deus Ex Machina? Why?

she arrested him after she found out where the money really came from. if it hadn’t been Stolen From A Fucking Food Bank she probably would have let him go.

30. What are their feelings and opinions about the Undercity?

uh...she hates that ark has a “slum district out of sight of the Good And Honorable Rich People” because having been poor and homeless basically until she came to enderal she can’t help but empathize with the residents of the undercity.

31. How do they react to the beggars of Ark?

if tumblr doesn’t stop refreshing the page and deleting my answers every time i switch tabs to look at the wiki or change the song i’m listening to i’m going to throw my laptop off the porch.

she usually reacts by sparing some change because she can relate

32. Where and how do they spend their time when in Ark?

she really likes the museum in the south quarter. she likes learning stuff and looking at relics of the past.

33. What would they do with three wishes?

just...stop the fuckin cycle

make the black stones inert so nobody else gets hurt because of them

this is basically deliberate repression so it’s 100% unhealthy but she would gladly wish to forget everything that happened before she was seven if it would put an end to the nightmares

34. How do they feel about death? Do they fear it?

uh. yes. she very bigly fears death. she kind of had a complete breakdown after the keeper exam until calia reassured her that just because she heard something during her harrowing doesn’t mean it’s true.

35. What (else) do they fear?

deep water (predates game events). also i dont know if it’s necessarily a fear but she hates being surprised.

36. Do they have any secrets?

uh. Yeah. her dad really was as bad as the dreams show. a few other things.

37. How is their behavior around people they like? People they dislike?

she’s about as friendly and affectionate as her shyness will allow with people she likes. it takes a LOT for her to be actively hostile but she’ll only attempt like. the barest superficial politeness to people she dislikes. 38. What is their relationship with the companions? Who, if anyone, did your prophet romance?

they’re her very good friends who she is also crushing on hard. yeah, both of em. she ended up with jespar kind of by default because i wasn’t making an effort to specifically target either of them but i kind of like the contrast between them so i’m gonna leave that in the Canon Playthrough Bin.

39. Was there any non-companion character that they were close to? That they particularly disliked?

does ryneus count? she would have taken him back to the sun temple and had the few green shirts left alive help her build some method of locomotion for him if she could have. also she had a crush on lishari. she didn’t have anyone she strongly disliked other than obvious shitbirds like taranor.

40. How do they feel about myrads?

she thinks they’re Big Cute Dog Monster Boys

41. What dreams or ambitions did they have before coming to Enderal? What about afterwards?

she wanted to be an archaeologist! she kind of got to do archaeologist stuff during her time in enderal but she wishes that she’d been able to do it without an apocalyptic sword of damocles hanging over her

42. Do they like cities? Or do they prefer the country? Is there a region of Enderal that they like or dislike more than the others?

she doesn’t necessarily dislike city life because she often gets lonely so living somewhere with a big population is always a tempting thought, but if she could take everyone she loves and go live somewhere peaceful where there’s no oppressive government or looming apocalypse she would.

her ideal Cottage Away From All The Bad Things would be in the goldenforst but she loves the crystal forest even though if she gets too close to the crystals it makes her feel like her brain is trying to vibrate out of her skull.

43. What do they do to lower their considerable stress?

go on walks in one of the numerous beautiful locations in enderal. take apart inactive mechanical constructs and try to understand their inner workings from their guts. press flowers.

44. Describe their perfect day off.

wake up from a nightmare-free sleep (you said “perfect”), go on a nice walk around the city (paying a visit to the museum of course!), meet up with her friends and find something fun to do that won’t put them in mortal danger, get drunk at the dancing nomad when it gets too dark for wandering around outside the city to be a good idea, and then watch the stars.

45. List three of their favorite things. Three things they hate?

likes:

sugar bread

the color gold

nice scenery

dislikes:

cooked cabbage

mead

bugs

46. What’s in their pockets?

emergency healing potion

herbs for making another emergency healing potion

at least one apple

random flowers that look cool

a ton of those vendor trash crystal coins you find in pyrean ruins. she just thinks they’re neat!

47. Pets? Mounts? Treasured possessions?

she’s never really had a lot she could hold on to and the thought of prizing a short-lived animal or an item that’s easy to lose is frightening.

48. How are their cooking skills?

NOT FUCKIN GOOD

(she can cook meat alright but anything more complex than that? no)

49. Do you consider any particular quest or side quest to be definitive for your prophet? Which one(s) and why?

i bulldozed through the main quest on my first playthrough; i’ll probably be able to answer this question better once the steam release drops and i can replay the game.

50. How forgiving are they? For example, if they were yelled at in a brothel after searching high and low for this little sh*t, how would they react?

first of all, everyone has a different reaction to traumatic experiences and sometimes that reaction isn’t “palatably sad and helpless” so jot that down. that being said, fleur was extremely upset about that because a) she’s also not an “uwu soft helpless cinnamon roll” kind of trauma survivor, b) some of what he said was generally hurtful, and c) that entire mission had already been one big long anxiety attack

but she’s too hyperempathetic to hold a grudge, especially when a) she knows where the person who hurt her was coming from, b) she gets a sincere apology, and c) she is more than a little in love with the person doing the apologizing.

51. What do they think of the Veiled Woman?

uh. mixed feelings. for what it’s worth, her feelings are mixed because they started out negative and then once she actually got to talk to the veiled woman her opinion strongly improved but like...sirius still died right in front of her because of this woman’s actions so they’ll never be fully positive.

52. If they had been a victim of one of the black stones, how would it have affected them? What would they have used its power to accomplish?

[slams huge portfolio of ideas i’ve had about this exact scenario on your desk] well y’see fleur as she is in canon is a brand of yandere that only technically qualifies as such: she won’t kidnap or murder people who reject her advances, but...uh...don’t harm her loved ones and expect mercy.

fleur under the influence of the black stones...well. it’d be very much like this except not Literally Directed Toward A Fucking Relative. esp the “well you found out now all i can hope for from you is to see your face one last time as you kill me” ending. not quite full yuno gasai love-me-or-i’ll-slaughter-you giggling while hacking someone up but. you know. Something Adjacent.

53. What was their reaction to the Black Guardian’s revelations? Do they accept or reject his offer?

she just kind of emotionally shut down. it was a lot to take in, esp for her. she took him up on his offer because by that point she was desperate for everything she’d gone through to mean something.

54. How does their story end?

credits rolled on her sitting on the edge of the star city with jespar. while the credits rolled i was staring into the void thinking about my life. not sure if that’s canon, next playthrough i’m gonna do a hard save before the final decision point and see if catharsis leaves me feeling less empty inside.

55. Do they change over the course of the story? In what ways?

she becomes a lot more confident and sure of herself and even though she never stops being an optimist she learns to stop setting herself on fire to keep others warm.

56. Anything else you’d like to share about them?

she’s so cautiously positive because she was written as a foil to my shadowgod alessia, a textbook nihilist who only got worse after the events of nehrim.

57. Bonus: For you- what are you most excited for in Forgotten Stories?

VEILED WOMAN BACKSTORY

#this took me literally nine hours to finish #tbf one of those hours i was in class #enderal #uh. canon-typical triggering content within.

[oh-ishouldnt]

06. we found wonderland

This is a 1989 series imagine

I open my eyes in the morning and I sit in my bed, it takes me only a couple of seconds to remind who is laying on the other side of it, to be honest, I think this information never left my mind for any moment. When you have sex with your ex-boyfriend, you need to be alarmed about it. Caution because it is him, caution because it is you and you know who you are, how you react to someone you have been so in love with.

I look at Conor to see his face in the serenity I forgot he had. Although he is a calm person, we didn’t have exactly what you would call of an easy relationship and all my memories are intense rolling through my brain, as much as I try to oppress them, they push themselves against all my walls and it starts to give me a headache.

As I stare at the guy, he slowly opens his eyes and they catch me in all their beauty, kidnapping my thoughts as if they didn’t already belong to Conor.

“Good morning,” he says.

My heart jumps once before I can calm it down. I can’t let it happen, however, my voice sounds really soft when I respond to him: “Hey.”

I walk away from the bed and I can tell that Conor is watching me put some clothes above the underwear I slept in.

“I am going to make some coffee, do you want it?” I ask politely.

“Yes, please,” Conor answers, realizing I won’t make things easy to him. We are not lovers anymore, as much as I love what we had once, it is gone and he can’t make it alive again. What is done must remain done.

I go to my kitchen and start to do exactly what I said I would, soon Con joins me.

“We can go out if you want to as well” he suggests, seeing me pour the coffee powder into the machine.

I give him a warning look. “Conor, don’t.”

“C’mon, Y/N, you can’t pretend we didn’t sleep together.” Then he tries to light up the mood. “I don’t blame you, you know, I am irresistible. It is not your fault, is just that no one can really control themselves near me, I am too amazing to this.” He jokes with his ironic typical humor, just the kind of humor that I love to laugh, so I do laugh a little, something that Conor sees as a breach to get me again.

He steps closer and softly takes my hand.

I give him a side look “Conor…”

“Say you felt it too, Y/N.” He asks. “Say that you felt like the old days, how good we were and that you remembered why we were together.”

I feel my breath cracking, my eyes start watering. “Don’t make me do this, Con.”

I met Conor a long time ago, too long to remember exactly what his first words to me were. My sister dated Jack while we were in school in Brighton, something that we all got through and now we laugh about. I always had a good relationship with all the Maynards, but we were never close, we never had a reason to be. But one day, when I was in London for a few years already, I bumped into him in one street and things changed.

He said hi and smiled, I said hi and smiled as well, every star in the sky aligned at that moment and we both liked this little surprise from the destiny. Things happened quickly, but everything felt natural as if we were meant to be.

Quickly we began and quickly we evolved, when we realized, we were going down the rabbit hole. Didn’t they tell us “don’t rush into things”?  We loved each other with our whole hearts and, when we lost each other, we suffered it with our whole hearts too.

When we met, we didn’t have another significant one for a while, so we jumped into the opportunity of falling in love as if this was our last chance… Then, we paid the price: Conor’s life turned upside down again because of his career and he was all over the place, jumping in one tour to another, supporting artists from whatever country he was able to pronounce the name.

“Why?” he asks.

“Con…” I sigh.

“No, seriously, Y/N, why?”

“You don’t have room for me, Conor.” I explain “Not in your life as it is right now.” I shrug “And I need to do me, I don’t have room for you either.” I continue to make coffee. “If I remembered how good we were? Yes. Can you remember how bad we were now? Relationships don’t end out of the blue, Con. When we put one thing next to the other… Together, life was never worse, fine, but never better either.”

Conor shuts his mouth, he knows I am right. Being right doesn’t make me actually like the words that I said. I need to admit that are some nights that I lie in bed completely awake and miss Conor one hour after another. I miss the way he held on tight to me, we both afraid of our future would be, ‘cause nothing is as it seems and we could feel in the air that his career change would change us too; I miss his random kisses on my lips and the way he would make an inappropriate joke just to make me smile; I miss the intensity of our feelings; I miss the goodbye hugs and the hello again ones.

I pour some coffee in one cup and give it to him, and then I put in another and take a sip of it myself. Conor asks about my sister and my friends from uni.

“They miss you, you know,” I tell, it seems unfair to see Conor ripped apart without giving him any kind of comfort, saying that my friends still like him might be nothing at all, but it is the best I can say and it is also true, so there is no harm. “Unfortunately, out of the two of us, you were the funny one.”

“Y/N, please, of course that I would be the funny one, I am, like, a stand-up god.”

I roll my eyes and laugh. “Shut up.”

I ask him about his latest shows and he also tells me some of his stories that I didn’t get to hear. I beg to my brain to remember the sensation of having my apartment warm thanks to the sunlight, my home smelling like coffee and a chilled conversation with Mr. Conor Maynard, our laughs being the soundtrack of this dream. We never had one of those, we always were like go, go, go.

Last night… It was something again. I didn’t know Conor was back in town, he explained to me later that it would be only for a few weeks and he would be off again. Anyway, I saw him in a nightclub with some of his friends. We first said hello and I didn’t intend to chat more than a polite small talk, still, a chemistry like ours doesn’t just disappear. We were trapped in each other again.

His funny way of being, my sarcastic way of responding. His eyes of hunger, my eyes that could kill. The roughness of his touches, the taste of my lips. He calling a taxi, I opening the front door of my place. His body against mine, my body against his. The lines of where he begins and where I end are still blurred.

I could feel our heartbeats and hear our screaming thoughts, every cell in us finally telling how much we missed each other. Conor’s temperature didn’t change, the way he speaks, he kisses and touches are the same, the same as when I started loving him.

A silence falls in my home once the talk finishes, Conor’s cup is almost ending, I finished mine a few minutes ago, we both know that our night is finally ending. Maybe this is the final closure, the thing I’ve been waiting for to finally stop missing him. We don’t want to let it go, but we must.

“I guess this is a goodbye then,” Conor says.

I give him a little smile. “It is not like we didn’t do it before… And we never say goodbye for real, Con.”

“But, this time, you want to this one be the last one, don’t you?”

“It would be nice, I guess. Painful, yet nice.”

Conor walks in to give me a hug. “I love you, Y/N.”

I hold him tighter. “I love you too, Conor Maynard.”

We break the hug after a few more seconds and I walk him out. He kisses my lips one last time before turning around and goes away, I stay beside my door watching him leave. My heart once craved for Conor and his Wonderland, now it craves for a real relationship. Maybe one day Conor will show around again and he will be the one to fill this desire, however, for now, this is where we stand, parting ways.

And, in Wonderland, we both went mad.

#buttercream gang #buttercream squad #buttercream gang imagine #buttercream squad imagine #conor maynard #conor maynard imagine

[theomachys]

a story of repeating regret

the modern reincarnation au no one asked for ( or, nikolai, faina, and discussions of a past king )   — nikolai x faina

history textbook lying face down over his stomach, nikolai stares at the ceiling and sighs. his good leg dangles off the couch, barefooted and swinging dangerously close to the cup of coffee balanced precariously on a stack of books. the other leg, encased in thick plaster with half the campus’ names and well wishes scrawled over the surface, lies immobile, propped up by whichever ratty cushions his roommates were able to find.

not prime date location, he thinks. the stack of unwashed dishes in the sink alone kills any romantic mood that might’ve sprung up. although he can’t blame his roommates’ filthy habits either. this is emphatically not a date—it’s a tutoring session. a hard won tutoring session in the comfort of his shared apartment on campus because faina volkov is too kind hearted to make him limp all the way across campus to the library.

nikolai is not used to people being kind.

“my mother says a piece of happiness escapes with every sigh,” faina comments. soft brown hair held back with a blue scrunchie, she glances over at him. her eyes are hidden by her black frames, and nikolai thinks that’s a crying shame, but moments later he’s distracted by a glimpse of her exposed neck, of pale skin he’s spent far too long fantasising about and—

what the fuck. he blinks and shakes his head. the rooms spins a bit. get a hold of yourself.

“your mom’s a nice lady.” nikolai tosses back. “cheerful.” as if he has any happiness to lose. his perpetual bitter mood has made him a ‘boring emo fuckhead’ in the words of some of his friends. faina is one of the only people willing to endure his company for an extended period of time (and yeah, he’ll blame his attachment on that). both grateful and frustrated, he tries to bite his tongue, unwilling to drive her away, but he knows she can see the black cloud hovering over his head.

she stares at him with pursed lips and taps her pen against her mouth. it’s not helping. “having trouble?”

“more like finding it hard to give a fuck.” a history of the akulakrovi clan is a horrible class and nikolai can’t believe he has to take it for his political science degree. it just doesn’t make sense. if it hadn’t been for his injury, he wouldn’t have bothered showing up. but if he hadn’t shown up (and failed the midterm), he would have never met faina, the soft spoken med student one year below him and a hell of a lot smarter.

so, wins and losses.

“nikolai.” her voice is quietly amused, as if holding back a laugh. faina reaches forward and picks up the history textbook from his stomach and he jerks upright, heart hammering in his chest. even through the fabric of his shirt, her touch burns him—not entirely unpleasantly. brows furrowed, faina pauses. “is everything okay?”

his throat is dry. he swallows. “fine.” to cover up his awkward, visceral reaction, he says, “by the way, i said you could call me kolya. my friends all do.”

her eyes widen.  “i… i didn’t know we were friends,” she says carefully. he thinks he catches a hint of uncertainty in her eyes and yes, okay, he can understand that. they’ve been doing these tutoring sessions for less than two months and faina is not the kind of girl he would find himself hanging out with in normal circumstances. prince nikolai akulakrovi is not only royalty but also one of elv university’s star athletes. compared to that, faina volkova is nobody. this is past the realm for jock-and-nerd cliches; it’s downright strange.

“‘course we are.” nikolai leaves no room for argument, at least not about this.

faina smiles and he thinks of springtime, of flowers beginning to bloom. before he can say anything else, the smile has faded and her head is bent over the history book she liberated from him. “this is your family’s history. how is it not interesting?”

she has a point—it is his blasted clan’s history. but then again. “it’s just a bunch of names on a page,” nikolai says. he leans back and resumes staring at the ceiling. “doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“what about your namesake?”

the history book is shoved in his face unceremoniously, open to the chapter on king nikolai petrov akulakrovi, born 1470. “you mean the worst king elv’s ever had,” nikolai says flatly. the king reigned immediately after the war of nations and instituted numerous reforms in the kingdom, most of which were not very popular. in fact, elv hated them so much that the next successor was chosen from the takret clan, who immediately undid all of the former king’s policies. there wouldn’t be another akulakrovi in power until nikolai’s great-grandfather.

“what? no!” her mouth drops open, as if she can’t even conceive of anyone disliking the old man. “king nikolai was a great ruler.” and faina sounds so sure of this, as if she’s saying the sky is blue or grass is green.

nikolai scoffs. “he sucked. not as bad as, you know, emperor daehyun of surya or anything, but he sucked.” more than just balls, probably. or not balls. hell, he doesn’t know. “his own people didn’t want his son on the throne.”

“he was progressive,” faina insists. she must be a fan. there are plenty of them nowadays—he’s their favourite old history dude because his morals are closely aligned with beliefs today. “elv wasn’t ready for it then.”

“sucked.”

“nikolai—”

“kolya,” he repeats. she crosses her arms over her chest. “oh, come on. he’s dead anyway.” dead for centuries, his bones probably lying at the bottom of the sea. of all the akulakrovis to be named after, why did it have to be that one? nikolai has always had an issue with it. what if history repeats itself?

after a tense pause, faina sits down with the book in hand. “he was a good soldier,” she says finally. “and a good ruler, and a good husband.”

ah, dammit. don’t say anything, he tells himself, but of all the myths this is the one he hates the most. “yeah? flip ahead to page 236.” 

faina gives him a quizzical look but does as he says. “nikolai married freya evighet, lady in waiting to the queen.” she reads out loud. her voice is gentle, like a spring breeze that ruffles one’s hair and dances across their face. “the story of their courtship was widely documented and the basis of many popular songs and plays of the time—why am i reading this?”

“skip ahead a paragraph.”

“in 2015, historians uncovered a partially destroyed letter reportedly written by king nikolai himself to a mystery lover and—oh.” she flips over the reproduced copy of the letter, donated to the elvan historical foundation by nikolai’s father last year after they’d found it one of the castle’s storage rooms.

to my dear [illegible] you will, no doubt, think of me as an idiot for writing this. spies are everywhere even within elv, and a letter like this one would be treasure to my enemies. i know [illegible] …

i will marry freya. it will not be terrible (or so i am telling myself) as she is my best friend of many years and i believe she loves me. her father commands troops of [illegible] …

i could not refuse without hurtling her. i did consider running away, but i knew you would frown on that. duty—we both understand it, do we not? i do not want to be a coward who shirks from his responsibilities. but neither do i want to be untrue to myself. i love [illegible] …

in some other life, perhaps we are allowed a chance. a chance that has been denied to us by the gods now. perhaps in another life, we are unapologetically in love, even married. perhaps in another life, i am not a prince or you are a princess. perhaps [illegible] …

be happy. kolya

a pause. silence settles in the dingy little apartment and nikolai almost laughs because this is weird. it’s like telling your girlfriend your grandfather used to be a gigolo or something equally ridiculous. as far as dirty little secrets go, it’s not a bad one ( barring the fact that people have come forward since claiming to descended from king nikolai’s bastard son ), but it is strange to think the man he’s named after wasn’t the perfect king.

( although maybe it shouldn’t be surprising—nikolai’s not the perfect prince either ).

“this is so sad,” faina breathes. she touches the page gently, almost reverently, and closes her eyes. the expression on her face is distant. forcing himself to sit up, nikolai stares at her and wonders what she’s thinking of. he wonders if he ruined something for her. “this is terrible. he loved someone he couldn’t be with.”

“is it?” irritability bleeds into his voice. “isn’t it just another weakness to add to the list? couldn’t keep his country together, couldn’t keep his people happy, couldn’t love his wife—or couldn’t gather up the guts to leave her. one mess after another.” and—fine, fine, fine. he is officially projecting. dragging a hand down his face, nikolai exhales loudly. wouldn’t it be grand if this is his destiny too?

warmth engulfs his hand. nikolai starts and glances down—faina covers it with her own and gives him a tentative smile. “i don’t think it’s a weakness.” her voice doesn’t waver. “it takes a lot of strength to do your duty. it takes a lot of strength to what necessary, not what you want to do.” he gets the feeling she isn’t only talking about the ancient king and his heart swells in his chest.

“i’m scared,” nikolai blurts out. “i’m scared i’ll end up like him, you know? become king, fuck up badly and have people turn against me. i’m scared it’ll happen now. hell, after i broke my leg, it’s like people couldn’t get away from me fast enough. i know i fucked up. i know i did. i never should have gotten hurt. i let people down; i let my team down, but they just… abandoned me.” he points at the cast. “those signatures? they mean nothing. i don’t know what i’m worth anymore.”  

the problem is that he can understand his ancestor all too well. it is why he fears king nikolai petrov akulakrovi’s failures will be his own. his shoulders slump. “you’re… not my therapist.” it’s not fair to dump the worries he’s been stewing over for weeks on her. faina does not need to hear his. forcing a grin, he says, “you can tell me to shut up.”

but she doesn’t say anything, just continues to hold his hand. her thumb brushes over his knuckles and he tries to remember how to breathe, and dammit how is he supposed to observe boundaries when her hands and soft and small, the perfect size to be tucked into his? “i like you.” barely above a whisper, faina says, “even if no one else is, i’m here for you.”

i want you, nikolai almost replies. he doesn’t mean ‘want you to be here for me’ or ‘want you to stay’ or anything else. he wants her and he’s too fucking cowardly to say so. old king nikolai married lady freya instead of his lover out of a sense of duty, and at least one can argue that is noble. prince nikolai can’t ask his tutor out because he’s afraid of what she might say. he’s afraid of what other people might say. most of all, the anchor of his nonexistent-but-still-official long distance relationship with lady rose evergreen of durr hangs around his neck, dragging him down to the depths.

he brings her hand up and presses his lips against her smooth skin. nikolai hears faina’s breath hitch but she doesn’t pull away nor break the silence. she smells like cherry blossoms, he notices idly, and wonders how he’ll play this off as a joke. when he lets go of her hand, faina blinks at him. head tilted to the side, she waits for an explanation, cradling her hand against her chest. spots of pink color her cheeks and nikolai is miserable because he’d like nothing more than to lean over and kiss her. 

i’m sorry, he says silently. nikolai is not brave enough to move forward yet. someday he might be, but for now, he’ll stay where he is. out loud, “we should get back to the books, yeah?” focused on digging his notebook out from the cracks of the couch, he nearly misses the flicker of disappointment flashing across faina’s face.

“oh, yes. we have a test tomorrow.” her voice trembles slightly and nikolai pretends not to notice. faina brushes her hair away from her face and grabs her notes. she’s not looking at him on purpose—he deserves it. mixed signals aren’t fun to decipher. nikolai hopes he doesn’t seem like he is toying with her. he isn’t. he’s toying with himself.

flipping open to a blank page while faina busies herself with gathered their study materials, nikolai grabs a pen and stares at it. seized by sudden impulse, he scrawls a few words on the corner of the page and rips it out. the folded note is then slipped into one of faina’s textbooks. if he can’t say it… this is the only way nikolai will allow himself to express his feelings. he hopes that one day, she’ll find it.

faina, i like you. i like you a lot.

#blog: oncidivm #muse: nikolai akulakrovi #opp: faina volkov #otp: i can't fall in love without you #filed under: drabbles

[survivorjordanpines]

Episode 1 Pt 1: I’m Gonna Snatch her Weave so Hard she’ll be Seeing Stars. - Charlotte

I'M ON THE PENIS TRIBE WHAT THE FUCK

LMFAOOOOO THE FACT THAT REGAN WAS WILLING TO RETURN TO A SEASON HOSTED BY J O R D A N P I N E S IS HILARIOUS I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY All jokes aside, it's great to be back! So far I have met Lily and Amanda, who are new to me, and then there's Chrissa....yikes. I voted her out of Wikia Main ORG, but I think we've patched up things. I get Jack back, yes! More to come soon!

MISS KEISHA....MISS KEISHA!!!! Oh my fuckin god shes fuckin dead

That Adam on the other tribe sucks. I don’t like anything about him but especially not his hair. He seems like someone who gets really upset about ice cream sundaes 

I'm shook Jordan casted Regan

I AM SO OVERWHELMED MY TRIBE IS SO ICONIC WHAT

First confessional of the season here we go. First impressions of my tribe...... Charlotte: Who? Ive heard she’s an icon but she also hosts the same game as L.A. Karen: icon that I think likes me, Alliance Member, probably gonna be my #1 Jaiden: crazy lunatic flop who will hopefully overcast myself being a crazy lunatic flop Regan: female jaiden David: pretty sure he has a beef with me rip L.A.: hosts a game with Charlotte, I’ll probably target them Adam: heard he’s an icon, don’t know why but that makes me scared I can’t remember who the other 2 are so they’re probably irrelevant 

I’m here and I’m ready to party! I’m sad Sambrina isn’t on my tribe she seems pretty cool. That Ryan guy can suck an egg 

Literally why did I do this. Jordan Pines better love me forever. #regrets

So like we got some pretty iconic people on this season like Chrissa. I love that girl. Anyways, my tribe seems like a good bunch of people and I am already predicting Charlotte doing well. I need to work with her so that I can get far as well then cut her off cause from what I know that girl is good at this game. These people seem like a good group because I am already getting messages from them and not to them. So I think it will be really good to be here. Having two tribe go to tribal is ugly because now he HAVE to win. I wish Adam the best of luck and will not blame him if we fail. Good luck to myself!

I hate writing confessionals so TBH I probably won't do very many. In the past I've always played as a very loyal player and I think that's what people will expect from me in this game. Ha, jokes on them, I'm here for blood and I can't wait to bathe in it. Playing loyal got me eighth place the last time I played TS and I don't plan on flopping again - actually, that's probably not true, but let's pretend I actually stand a chance. I think my tribe is alright but we're going to have some stiff competition. A lot of the "threats" from past games are on the nahte and nadroj tribe so the fact that only one tribe can win immunity is a little inconvenient. I'm also sad that RTP isn't on my tribe. His intro video was just fun. I need to make it to the first tribe swap or the merge so I can play with Ryan! But anyways, let's do first impressions because people - for some reason - care about those. Adam: I don't know him and I haven't heard of him either. I liked his intro though so he seems like he could be someone fun to play with in this game. I guess we'll find out more but he had some good ideas for the flag so - phew, I think he'll be a good addition to the tribe. David: Oh look, another person I haven't heard of or know. I have a feeling this is going to be a trend. He seems nice enough? It's been a day, Joyce, I don't know these kids yet. Kage: Alright so Kage and I were the first people in the group, so we had a chance to talk a wee bit before we got the rest of our tribe. I like him TBH. We never got a chance to play together in any previous games so I think this could be interesting. Karen: I HAVE ONLY HEARD NICE THINGS ABOUT KAREN. I'm excited to see if we can work together in this game but I am a little worried because I think she'd be more likely to work with LA than me in this game. What's that? I'm worried someone wants to work with LA? lol. Cage: We haven't had a chance to talk much but I think he might be GMT so maybe that'll happen this morning?? IDK the wiki says he's in the US so maybe I'm wrong. Regan: Of fucking course Regan is on my tribe. I love Regan, don't get me wrong, but "Fought" in the VL and she rage quit before the cast reveal. LMAO oops. Here's hoping she doesn't vote me out for pointing out that she was wrong about Taylor Swift's live performance dates. I hate that I even knew enough to contradict her wrong statements. Ugh. I hate me. Jaiden: I am actually so excited to have Jaiden on my tribe. I just hosted him on Themyscira so I kinda think I know how his brain works?? He likes to be chaotic and make big moods and you can never trust him as far as you can throw him. I like to think that he might work with me, just because we do get along, but you never know. Jaiden is a wild card. If I decide I want to play messy, he's a great guy to do it with. LA: Bitch needs to go. Seriously. There's absolutely no way the two of us can work together in this game because it puts a huge target on our backs. If we lose, I lowkey want to campaign to send her ass home. It'll only help my game. Rafael: I was so hyped to see Rafael on my tribe. I just watched him play in IOS and was annoyed I didn't draft him because his VL confessionals are hilarious. I really hope we are able to work together in this game. That's my goal. Also can you believe Jordan threw all of the Geminis on one tribe? Fuck, we're going to murder each other. I love it. 

Hilo! Im back for another season..aka my 6th time. I swear I dont love myself but im only here to have fun so whatever. 30 PPL? and im not?!? on the icons tribe!??! okie whatever idk any of those irrelevant ppl anyways..like who the fuck are these ppl? (king andreas ur not included) anyways evaluation time because i love reading what ppl say about me so im sure ppl feel the same way MY TRIBE: Allison-we did a tribe call last night and she literally rubbed me the wrong way. How can you be that annoying? I seriously dont know. And it was just her and alex and jordan and i on the call at one point and she said something rude just as i was telling them bye for the night. Like literally leave? Amanda-We played in Maldives but i dont really count that because we were on the opposite tribe and i was second boot. I mean Im trying to connect with her ...but nothing bad to say about her. But also nothing good? ya feel me? Chrissa- Idk what to say about her :c sorry girl Drew- oh drew, we have such a weird relationship. Weve played in sides and mains together and for the first 3 times ive snatched him and now hes returning the favor. If I remember correctly were actually even now. BUT IM DYING TO PLAY WITH HIM AND HAVE HIM BE LOYAL. Lets be real I cant send him home as long as there is a redemption island fkjsdhfkdshf Jack- Andreas was his mentor in whatever shitty game steffen hosted? so idk if i can use that to my advantage or not. Liam- mY LITERAL SON! I LOVE HIM. After i forced rocks in india and he left i felt so bad so i will literally try to save him as much as possible and ill be super loyal to him. my love LIAM I LOVE U Lily-LOL regan hates her so if u think im not going to use this to my advantage ur so wrong. I love her she is so adorably cute. I want to keep her as a pet. And it makes me happy regan hates her ahahhahahahah. Madison- again..sorry idk her? Nick- WHO? The I hate jp tribe (also can we talk about who is on this tribe...jordan what...are u trying to do ...all these players are messy?) anyways Adam- irrelevant Charlotte-literal queen/ i hosted her before and i adore her so much David- DAVID ROBB I LOVE U Gage- ok but what kinda...name? Jaiden- JORDAN PINES WHY WOUIKLD U DPO THIS TO ME? WHY WOULD U DO THIS TO ANYONE? LET ME LIVE! hes crazy . pls let him live a short life Kage- hes so funny, and hes also messy so like....omg? but i deadass have him under control so i love that bitch Karen- can i just say shes so  cute and we met in person and shes cuter in person. Fucking 10/10 would bang. I love her so much. But she never makes it to swap so L.A- literally love. I hosted them as well Raffy- who are u? Regan-ok but like shes obsessed with me and i think in like...a friend way idk hopefully in a friendway lool i think im the only one who can control her so this is going to be fun if she lasts and i get to play w her Icons tribe Andreas-LITERALLY MY BESTFRIEND EVER LITERALLY I LOVE HIM ANDREAS WE ARE CO WINNING I LOVE U SO MUCH!! the rest of the icon tribe can suck it because literally yall are all ugly and just really fucking irrelevant to me? like why are u icons? idk you????????? uhuh

I love this cast, holy shit. Being on the same tribe with Char is gonna be hard, people know we are friends and we have some of our Themyscira kids in here so this will be interesting. We already know we're gonna be gunning for each other at some point. KAREN (heart eyes) I also REALLY wanna work with Jaiden tbh

I love frogs and I currently am aligned with my whole tribe except for two people. 

6th time.... Holy Kawolski. This time around I'm just going to try to make it as far as I can. I'm taking it one day at a time and not focusing too long term. So im on the Legends/Icons tribe and I feel out of place. 7 of these people played TS before me, and I still feel like the new kid on the block.... isn't that crazy? I also see a lot of familiar faces in this cast so I'll have to deal with that eventually. Right now I think my struggle is theirs so many old school people that all know each other. Who thought it was a good idea putting Ari, RTP, Jessica, and Casey on the same tribe ??? I think I wanna try to form some sort of alliance with them though. If all of us who played a bunch of times can band together then I think it may be better for all of us. We shall be targeted eventually, we shouldn't go after each other on top of that. I think the only person who might have an issue with me is RTP. I got him out in Easter, but this time around I understand how he likes to play so I need to cater around that. No personal talk - just game. Let's rocket.

The tribe seems to be very connected through the first challenge. I've been talking a lot with Kage and he seems like a potential ally for me. Throughout the day, the tribe has spoken with each other in the tribe chat and sadly I was not able to participate a lot because of school. The people most in it were Karen, Regan, and Adam. I sense that they could be working together down the line if this behavior keeps up. I want to try and continue communications with Kage as well as trying to get on Charlotte's good side. 

Kage wants to work with Charlotte, LA, and I in an alliance. I think this will work well for us in the long run. He also wants to have one other person in this alliance they the two of us control so that if it were to come down to it, it would be 3 vs. 2 with us having the majority. I feel that this is a good plan, but we lack the fifth person. I hope I can try and find someone or Kage does. Pray and hope! I am talking with LA more though so I hope this establishes the groundwork for us to be allies.

Oh man, oh man, oh man. Looks like I'm putting my faith in Sarah to be a power duo. I love her to death, I really do, but I really do hope she means what she says and doesn't try to cut me loose early. 

I cant believe I might have to align with R*gan but thats what it looks like its coming down to. Karen is my favorite minion. I love Gage, Everyone else idk ha

ok so my tribe......... has the WORST ideas for this flag and like adam was gonna do it????/on??/paint????/ this tribe is already selfdestructing anyway as much as I hate jp like I don't want a flag with us murdering him??? ugh anyway I think I have an ides but itll be blandish

@the flag making challenge and our flag specifically The supportive tribemate in me: https://media.giphy.com/media/l3JDFJncJHteKIYzm/giphy.gif The pessimist in me: https://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/skirt-vintage-mean-girls.gif?w=650 The try-hard comp queen in me: https://media.giphy.com/media/115nGRivk9zjkA/giphy.gif The realist in me, seeing RTP on the icons tribe and knowing I'll never make something better anyway: https://media.giphy.com/media/Hb0mP3CTazPmU/giphy.gif Me today: https://media.thedailytouch.com/2014/11/shaun-dead-gif-pub.gif

So, I like my tribe, they're all very nice people. BUT! They are very weak willed. Like I feel like I've got to kindergarten teacher them into getting work done. Lots of exclamation points and happy encouragement. It's only because you've got us doing this stupid arts and crafts challenge. Mr. "Too Lazy to Make the Flags Himself". I like Charlotte the best, she's being very helpful. Karen annoys me kind of but she's the one with photoshop so I need her. Kage is cool but he doesn't seem to have anything to offer to the challenge. Same with a bunch of them really. Like everyone is very friendly and excited but no one really offers up any ideas or help. LA gave us the good idea about word art but didn't really back it up with anything so me and Charlotte figured it out on our own. Like I don't really want to be the leader but everyone is such a follower. Like I wanted to gather minions but damn I don't need this many. Someones gotta be voted out at some point. Whatever, I'm just tryna get everyone to like me, because people really only align with the people they like. Idk, this game is stupid and I don't have time for it but I'm already in it so I'll at least try. "Tumblr Survivor Jordan Pines" What kind of idiot let this happen

Adam is really doing that with this challenge. There is no way that he would be able to be voted out after this level of participation. 

so I love the flag idk if it will win but i love it, I am in a perpetual panic attack right now generally for today in general and shit that happrened yesterday. But I hope we win I need something good. 

Well, I thought I'd finally break down how things are going. Looking at this cast I see a lot of familiar faces. Like, A LOT! We have: Jack, my student from Kvaloya. We were paired together however we never had the chance to play together. In this game we have no reason to play together and I think he would trust me easily because of our past. I'm not really loyal to him and I don't feel a need to work with him if we do end up on the same tribe. Gage, we were on a tribe together very briefly in Kvaloya. We went to a tribal but I always felt he was up to no good. I still feel that way lmao. Liam, we were also on a tribe in Kvaloya. However, we did work together - more trust on his side then mine BUT he's a solid guy none the less. Kage, O M G. HA. I literally orchestrated everything about his elimination in Great Lakes from Day 1. I lied to people about him and started rumors and ultimately got him to sent to Redemption Island where I single handily sent him home. He has reason to want me out but we have a good relationship outside of games so we shall see. Drew, I'm happy to see him here! We worked together in Bangladesh but we never completely trusted each other. However, we were grouped together and I think we could work well together. Hopefully he feels the same way. SARAH LYNN, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. Actually one of my best friends in the whole world. I went to visit her once. She's my final 2, I don't care what people think or say. We have each others back 100% and I can't wait until we can play together on the same tribe. Karen, HA. Another person who I contributed greatly to their elimination. But I think she's someone I want to work with so I think we can put Easter Island behind us. Ryan, I sent him in Easter and I can't read him for shit so is he still mad at me ? We shall never know. Emma, MOM!!!! I love Emma and honestly I'm so happy we're on the same tribe ! Someone I know I can trust. Regan and Casey have also hosted me so I have good working relationships with them. So on our tribe we have a lot of people who were old school TS. I'm trying to like remind people we all need to have each others backs, as if we don't then these new people will target us. Hopefully their listening to me. I'm very aware of the friendships these people and I'm trying to get in with Ari/Jess/Ryan as I think they would be able to take me the furthest. Cole and I also talked and we mentioned how we wanna go far together so thank GOD i got him! I like him, hes real and I respect that. I think I also plan on playing a very social game. I want people to want to tell me their secrets and such. So for the challenge it's flag making and I decided to make the flag because I knew I could do an A++ flag, so I hope we win with it! ALSO so i found on the rule page a puzzle to a secret advantage and i did it and I was too late :( Someone has one and i'm not happy !!!!!!!!! I think it might be Drew, hes smart like that.

#supportyourlocaljordanpines