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authoressskr · 6 years

Text

Dumbass Ahead

Characters: Reader, Gabriel, Balthazar, Castiel, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester :: Warnings: Language, Disdain, Balthazar Being a Giant Dickish Dumbass, Subpar Writing, No Beta :: Word Count: 2974

@sdavid09‘s Daily Writing Challenge - Prompt #21: Warning: Someone being a dumbass ahead (I got my fic idea from @unleashthemidnight since my brain was fried this morning and afternoon! Thanks my beautiful pink potato <3 )

Note: Please do NOT repost, copy & paste, post or share my works on any other platform without my EXPRESS PERMISSION. -+- REBLOGGING is fine and very appreciated! -+-

(Gif is how I picture Gabriel internally during this...)

While he appeared to be the most human angel you’d ever met, Balthazar revealed quite straight-away that he had little care for humanity.

“Why did you summon me now?” He whines with a sigh before heading for the liquor cart in the corner. Gabriel doesn’t miss your taken aback look. Balthazar’s gaze lands on you with almost a look of disdain. “Another one of you?” You smile politely through the comment before grumbling via prayer to Gabriel.

Do you need to be rigid or a giant dick to graduate from Angel Boot Camp?

Preferably both, cupcake. You scoff aloud, drawing Balthazar’s wandering gaze back to you.

“Something to say, ape?” The blonde angel sneered, taking a few steps closer.

“Actually, motherfucker, yes --” Dean is nodding along in agreement with your little outburst as Sam’s hazel eyes widen probably to the size yours had just been when Balthazar called you a fucking ape.

“Balthazar!” Cas hisses as you look at Gabriel.

“Gabe, why can’t you just do it? Why do we need it’s help?”

“Because Balthazar took quite a few of Heaven’s weapons and fun bits. We need to know what all he took and what could be left. Simple. Won’t take too much time.” Gabriel soothes, setting his hand on your back.

“Sure. Tell me when it leaves.” Standing, you head to your room, passing by the glaring angel.

“Opinionated little mud monkey.” He commented just as you were about to turn to go down the hallway.

“Bite me, dickweed.”

“I don’t know if you’ve been vaccinated, pest.” You open your mouth to retort but see Cas giving you a pleading look with those big cerulean eyes.

He insults me one more time and I’m breaking out the holy oil. You warn Gabriel and Cas before trudging down the hallway with your hands fisted at your side.

:: - :: - ::

Five months later:

Gabriel tugs on one of your braids, moving into your sightline with a giant bowl of ice cream in one hand and a spoon in his mouth, plopping down into the seat across from yours.

“Hos I gone?” Gabriel manages around the spoon before his cheeks rise along with the corners of his mouth in a smile.

“It’s going.” You sigh, tapping the notebook you’ve been scribbling in for the last three hours with the pen you’d just been chewing on.

“Bal and Cas got their backs.” You shoot him a look, cocking your head to the side and raising your eyebrows along with it.

“That’s not comforting if that’s what you were intending.”

“Balthazar was a hell of a soldier, jelly bean.”

“Who faked his own death and took some boy’s soul like a crossroads demon. Ooh - and all wrapped up in a condescending, human disdaining little package.”

“Balthazar doesn’t disdain humanity.” Gabriel defends, scooping himself more ice cream. Opening your mouth, you’re surprised when Gabriel holds up a single finger, furrowing his brow. “When was the last time you heard from the mooks?” You open your phone to the text message screen.

“9:22.”

“And it’s nearly midnight.”

“What happened?” Rising, you’re already walking briskly to your room when Gabriel catches up with you.

“Thought I heard a weird echo from Cassie. And when I asked about it, he didn’t answer.” Pulling your gun from under your pillow, you check the chamber from habit before grabbing a few extra clips from the bedside table and bumping the drawer closed with your knee.

“We’re gonna go save them.”

“We aren’t sure they need saving.”

“I’m sorry, have you met them?” Gabriel’s mouth downturns and nods.

“Right, sugar, very right.” He watches as you wiggle out of your sweats and tug on a pair of jeans before bending over and attaching your ankle holster and slipping your smaller pistol into it. Righting yourself, you tuck your favorite gun at the small of your back, pulling on your favorite jacket, complete with two small blades hidden in the inner lining on either side. “All loaded up?”

“Ready, Gabe.” In a second, you’re just outside an old musty smelling barn, wrinkling up your nose. “Is that sulfur?” You whisper.

“Yep. And vampires.”

“Awesome.” You mutter before you feel a tightness around your thigh. A glance downward reveals a machete in the holster and as you look back to the archangel, he simply winks before moving towards the small side door.

The barn is sturdy despite how the outside looks, the inner walls of the barn have new, thick boards zig zagging past every foot you two pass. A larger crack in the side reveals Balthazar and Castiel held by chains suspended from the ceiling, their feet planted on the dirty straw with a pair of boots visible just past Castiel’s polished shoes. Several voices are whispered across the barn, Balthazar glaring at the main entry doors. Gabriel holds up four fingers and you nod once, clicking the tab to free the machete.

Fifteen minutes later, you’re chained next to Castiel, with Gabriel in a ring of holy fire by where you’d been peeking minutes earlier. They left after they captured the both of you, the demon and head vampire snickering as they did so.

“Well, that was a brilliant plan.” Balthazar drawls out looking from Gabriel to you. “You let the primate make the plan?”

“Get ‘em, sweetheart.” Gabriel nods, making a smirk blossom on your face.

“Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you.”

“I will snap your little neck.”

“That is how I know you, go on.” You lick your lips, looking up at the chain that held you. “Far across the distance, and spaces between us, you have come to show you, go on.”

“Nooo, a slower death will do nicely.” The lone vamp they’d left to guard them swings the creaky door open and steps inside.

“What’re you doin’?”

“Passing the time.” You answer blinking innocently at the guard. He huffs and leaves, slamming the door and throwing the exterior lock bar down. “Near.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”

“Far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on.” You tuck your chin against your chest, tongue reaching for the necklace chain around your throat. You pull it into your mouth a little at a time, all of them watching you strangely. “Once more! You open the door!” You mumble loudly before switching to humming the rest.

You only gag once before you reach the pendant, letting the chain slip from your mouth as you held the pendant delicately between your teeth.

“Gildr.” You mumble around the heavy metal piece, Thor’s Hammer dropping at your feet.

“How long’ve you had that?!” Gabriel whispers, Dean humming switching from Metallica to AC/DC loudly to cover any noises you’d been making.

“Frelsi.” You command the hammer, watching as it lifts itself upward and hits the chain that held you. “Frelsi.” It hits the heavy leather cuffs that the chain had wrapped around, sending it to your feet with a soft thud. Hearing the bar being moved, along with the guard’s grumblings, get you moving.

Grabbing the hammer, you run towards Gabriel, breaking the ring with your heavy boots before tossing the hammer towards Castiel’s chain. It returns to you as you head towards Sam and Dean, the vampire barely making it in the door before Gabriel smote him.

The hammer’s weight is comfortable as you swing it down, breaking the heavy bolts that held Sam before switching to Dean’s.

“Castiel,” Balthazar calls out to his brother, still dangling from the ceiling. “Gabriel. Gabriel!” Gabriel ignores him as the vampires and demon leader return. “Samuel.” You hand him the gun at your back and hand Dean the one strapped to your ankle.

“Til we can get the machetes. Or would you rather like the chain?”

“Can I have the hammer?” Dean asks, a little excitement leaking into his voice.

“No.” You growl, lightning flashing through your eyes.

“Dean!” Balthazar snaps, glaring at the hunter. “A little help?”

“From a hairless ape?” Dean scoffs before throwing himself into the fray, Sam hot on his heels as another ten vampires fly into the barn.

“Y/N.” Oh, you’re sure there is a bitter taste on his tongue at having to resort to asking you. Another handful of people pile in, their eyes flashing black.

“Busy.” You call to him cheerfully. “Winchesters! DOWN!” They turn to see you raise Thor’s Hammer, both dropping obediently now. The lightning flashes just after a deep roll of thunder, the first lick of lightning breaking through the roof and killing two vampires as it forks before touching the dirt under the barn and disappearing. Swinging it, you let it fly as four more bolts of lightning kill the newly arrived demons, easily knocking down a few of the vampires, making it easier for Castiel and Gabriel to dance through and smite the enemies before it returns to your outstretched hand.

With one last rumble of thunder, the lightning disappears with a heavy crackle, Sam and Dean shoving themselves off the floor.

“Holy shit,” Sam mutters, still a little shocked at the display.

“Are you Thor?” Dean asks, dusting himself off.

“No.” You gesture to the hammer with your free hand. “It chose me. Like it chose Sam that day.” Sam looks surprised. “I know everyone who has lifted this hammer, even if for a second.”

“Is someone going to let me out of these damn Enochian handcuffs or not?!” Balthazar snarls, looking from his brothers to the Winchesters.

“I’m not. After all, I am just a -- mud monkey, I believe it was?” You tap the hammer as Balthazar’s glare bored into the side of your head, sending it back to its normal pendant size before stringing it back onto its silver chain.

Apologize and I’ll let you loose.

I would sooner hang here.

“Alrighty, me and sugar lips are headed back to the Bunker. We left perfectly good ice cream to save your asses.”

“Wait! Why haven’t you ever used that before?!” Dean yells the question as Gabe wraps an arm around your waist.

“Bye boys! Have fun cleaning up the castle!” You paraphrase Valerie from the Princess Bride before Gabriel transports you both back.

:: - :: - ::

Two Months After That:

The witch hunt you’d gone on with Sam had seemed pretty straightforward and had gone smoothly until you encountered her husband downstairs who threw some weird pinkish gold powder at you right before Sam took him out.

You were taking a nap when you felt the heat. It seemingly spread from nowhere, a shudder waking you up fully.

By the time Sam met Dean on the edge of town - he, Cas, and Gabe had been taking care of a haunting a handful of towns over - you had kicked the covers clear off the cheap motel bed and were fighting the sudden ache that was echoing between your legs.

You’d fumbled for your phone when you had realized something was wrong, but it had tumbled from your shaking hands and was nowhere in sight. Another deep groan rumbled out of your chest, the hair at the nape of your neck sticking to you now.

“Gabriel insisted I check -” Balthazar stops short, taking in your disheveled, sweaty form with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Ooh - I’ve seen this spell before.” Groaning, you lift yourself up a little to look at him. “The remedy is sex. The longer you wait, the more painful it becomes for you physically. Getting yourself off won’t help either.” He takes a deep breath before smiling, taking a step closer to the bed. “I could help you.”

“A stupid primate like me?” You pant out, fighting to keep both your voice and breathing steady as your body screamed “YES!” loudly to Balthazar’s proposal. “No thanks.”

“Gabriel will more than likely attempt to murder me if I let you die.”

“I said No.”

“Pride comes before the fall.” He comments nonchalantly, picking at some imaginary dirt under his fingernails. Your whole body tenses as pain shoots through your stomach, making you whimper pathetically.

Gabriel. You groan out the prayer mere seconds before the fluttering of wings filled the room.

“What the - Balthazar, what happened?” He’s taking in your condition, moving quickly to your side, hand nearly touching your forehead before Balthazar’s words stop him.

“I wouldn’t do that, Gabriel. She’s under a love curse. Touch will just make it worse.”

“Double fuck.” His golden orbs lock onto yours. “Sweetpea, I’m going to get the ingredients to fix this, alright?” You manage a nod. “Cas!”

“Yes, Gabriel? Y/N - are you alright?”

“Love curse. I need you to grab the ingredients I just radioed in and meet me back here. Don’t worry, kiddo, we’ll get you fixed up in less than an hour, okay? When did you get hit?”

“Last night. Around 10 pm.”

“Ooh, it’s been more than twelve hours…” Balthazar adds ominously as Cas shoots him a dirty look.

“Balthazar will stay here. We’ll call Sam and Dean, okay?” You nod once more, swallowing. Gabe snapped up a large glass of water. “Drink a little for me.”

Once they were gone, you struggled to reach for the cup through the pain, grasping it shakily and managing a few big gulps before setting it back down.

And for a long while, the only sounds in the room was your shuffling, short pants and whines.

“Why don’t you just simply allow me to rid you of the curse?” Balthazar sighs.

“Just - just a little long - longer.”

“Would it really be so terrible to have sex with me?” He advances closer, shedding his blazer and tossing it onto the empty bed.

“Yes.” It leaves as a groan, curling in on yourself at the pain. You wanted to give in, you did. But you’ll never forgive yourself if you do. He doesn’t even think of you as having any worth. Humans were hairless apes who God saw the potential in and that most angels thought we were worse than cavemen, that we were unworthy of God’s love.

“Not even to save your own life?!” He leans over you suddenly, just before Gabriel and Cas appeared.

“What the hell are you doing Balthazar?” Gabriel snarls, Balthazar pushing off the bed and grabbing his blazer just as the motel door swings open, Sam closing the door behind him as he and Dean take in the tenseness of the room.

“I offered to help. But she’s so high and mighty, she’d rather die.”

“I would rather,” You rasp, looking him dead in the eye as tears leaked from yours at the pain radiating throughout your body. “Rather, have sex with Metatron,” Sam, Dean, Gabriel’s eyebrows shoot up so far, they nearly disappear into their hairlines while Cas makes a face between disgusted and confused. “Or Lucifer, then have - have sex with you to save my life.” Something flickers through Balthazar’s eyes just before he disappears, and you slump back down onto the bed with a strangled cry before Gabriel scoops you into his arms and pours the nastiest looking green liquid against your lips.

:: - :: - ::

“You know you’re a dumbass, right?” Balthazar polishes off the whiskey in his glass before reaching for the decanter between his legs again.

“You heard the little huntress.” He slurred his words a tad.

“How much have you had to drink?”

“I might have raided a wealthy businessman’s vodka stores before I came here.”

“That why you’re in the hallway just a few doors down from her room.” Balthazar’s forehead wrinkles at Gabriel’s words, looking to his right before scoffing.

“I was looking for Dean’s room. Thought I’d fuck with him a bit.”

“In the complete opposite direction? Good plan.”

“She wouldn’t even - to save her own life! I’m not repulsive, lots of humans find this vessel very attractive!” Gabriel nods as he sinks to the floor on the opposite side of the hall. “She ignores me most of the time, you know. Pretends as if I don’t even exist!”

“Maybe start with not calling her names our brothers and sisters use derogatorily?”

“She calls me it!” Balthazar argues, finishing this glass as well. “I’ve seen it.”

“The original or the remake?”

“What? Fuck, not the movie, Gabriel.” He pours himself what’s left and drinks it in one go. “Her soul, Gabriel. It fucking flutters with light when she’s comforting something. You. Cas. The Winchesters. Fucking random dogs on the fucking street! It gives off this calming glow as it does that but turns harsh when she even senses I’m about. And, Gabriel - Metatron? That’s like the lowest of the low!”

Gabriel snaps to refill the decanter and himself a cup as he regards his smashed little brother.

“You’re a dumbass. If you would have just listened to me when you two first met and treated her like I treat her, she would have probably been climbing you like a tree tonight. But you wanted to talk down to her like you do the Winchesters, so, of course, she doesn’t fucking like you. Pull your head out of your ass and be nice.” Balthazar opens his mouth then closes it, hand firmly wrapped around the decanter’s neck. “And don’t treat her like one of the humans you want to fuck. Sex isn’t the only thing humans are good for, Bal.” Gabriel pauses, glass almost to his lips. ��Huh. That’s weird coming from me.”

“I’ll drink to that!”

“I actually think you should stop.”

“Bottle’s not empty!” Balthazar sang, the skin crinkling around his eyes as he grinned broadly at Gabriel.

“She’s gonna fuck you up with love and comfort just like she did the rest of us. And you’ll never. See. It. Coming.” Gabriel mutters into his glass with a small grin, watching Balthazar happily pour the last of the contents into his cup once more. “Just as I intended…”

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#Gabriel #archangel gabriel #matchmaker!gabriel #tale teller's daily writing challenge #authoressskr writes #balthazar #castiel #dean winchester #sam winchester #balthazar being a dumbass #slight balthazar x reader #if Gabriel gets his way #supernatural reader insert #supernatural fanfiction #Gabriel supernatural

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