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shultzing · 6 years

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7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good.

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible?

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort?

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic.

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart.

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that.

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?”

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

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update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet.

#personal

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