#and i know i shouldnt be hard on myself bc everyones having a tough time and my own pain is nothing compared to others

[pharahlesbian]

What are your opinions on aromantic folks?

well, its kind of complicated. on the one hand, i dont rly feel like u guys r doing anything wrong per se, like none of u ever seem to do any of the harmful shit that aces do. and aro is an identity i used to hold really closely. roughly 4-5 years ago, i was on here identifying as aroace.

my personal experience with both labels is that they did measurable harm to my perception of myself and my sexuality. when i did eventually realize i was a lesbian, i didn’t immediately suspect those labels had done me any harm. not until i read several other accounts of ppl who went through a near identical experience as me

see, the answer to your question is complicated bc i first have to address split attraction. its one of my main gripes with asexuality. its my firm belief that romantic and sexual attraction should not be so neatly sequestered the way many people describe them to be. the reality of attraction is that every single person experiences it uniquely and defines it for themselves and themselves alone. i genuinely think the labels “aromantic” and “asexual” and all their variants shouldnt exist at all. and i think they are REGRESSIVE. i really do. they impede progress in a society that desperately needs it. we NEED a more healthy view of sex in our society. we NEED people to understand that its normal and ok to not want sex, or to experience varying degrees of attraction. not wanting sex or romance should be as normal as not wanting your ears pierced. and it should be something you discuss with your partner and your partner alone. having labels for this very normal experience is honestly just setting us back. we dont need to get caught up in a hundred micro labels to describe the ways we have sex. we can just have sex, or dont! or have sex once a month, once a year! or never! and thats your choice and you shouldnt be made to feel like u need to have 5 labels for what should just be how youre feeling. attraction is so nebulous, theres no way we could ever pin it down with labels and we should really stop trying

so. how do i feel about aromantic ppl. well, how do i feel about aromanticism? its a tough conversation to have, because of how personal it is, and its why ive put off this ask for a really long time. i was aroace, yeah, but aro was the label i was really passionate about. im gonna tell you some stuff u might not want to hear, but its my experience.

i was aro because i was lonely, and i was aro because i was scared. i knew i had feelings for girls, but i didnt know how to reconcile them, especially with my burgeoning gender qualms i was also having (which was also happening bc of the aforementioned attraction to girls, but thats another conversation entirely). it was scary, trying to pin down the fact that i was only attracted to girls. and i mightve come to that conclusion a lot sooner if it werent for tumblr telling me about asexuality/aromanticism/split attraction. suddenly i had a copout. cant be attracted to girls if im attracted to no one, right? that plus the fact that when youre lonely and havent experimented with dating, when everything is in hypotheticals, then anything is possible (“well i guess i COULD be attracted to men... but id never have sex with them! so i guess im panro-ace” <-an actual identity i had at age 19. comp het feeds on these micro labels and split attraction)

please keep in mind none of this is directed at you or even aromantics as a whole, im still just talking about my own experience. and my experience was that the aroace label was definitely just a convenient place to hide from being a lesbian. and i know others have had similar experiences.

so...once again. how DO i feel about aromantics? i feel as though we live in a very romance-forward world. romance is everywhere, once youre looking for it. i think i was rather bitter, and preferred pretending that not dating was an identity, rather than the painful reality of firstly not knowing what i wanted, and secondly not even knowing if id BE wanted. i think we all have varying degrees of attraction, both romantic and sexual, and i think for many the two kind of exist in tandem. and again for many, these feelings can exist a lot stronger for them than they do for others. so it leaves a lot of ppl feeling like they MUST be different. i think it makes a lot of sense that i identified strongly with aromanticism, even aside from me using it as something to hide behind. ive never really been much of a romantic. i never had too many crushes, and i only ever imagined romantic scenarios if it were fictional characters i shipped.

of course once i saw someone list these types of things out as evidence of being aro, i was like oh thats me! and latched onto it. and never did anymore introspection. the label was a copout. now, i could tell u that being aroace was a product of knowing i wasnt attracted to men yet not being able to face being attracted to women, so i was like “oh ok guess i have No attraction!” and i can tell u that since ive been with my girlfriend, ive become the sappiest romantic ever.

im not gonna tell you “you just havent found the right person yet :)” but i will say that if you have even the slightest doubt or uncertainty, to go out and experiment! date around and see how you feel. no one can tell you who u are or how u feel except u. u wont be a hypocrite for experimenting. but if youre already sure u dont really feel romantic attraction, then more power to you. not everyone on this earth needs to get married or date. i do think our society needs to normalize just being happy with who you are, and not see it as pitiful. thats an opinion that is so hard to have when youre single, bc u cant help but feel like youre pathetically trying to justify being alone, so im doubling down now that im in a relationship. its fucking ok to not be in a relationship!! if theres one thing that’s stayed the same since i was aro its my assertion that ppl need to fucking chill about orher peoples relationship status

i feel like this answer went in one THOUSAND different directions, but ive been thinking about how to answer this for a while and decided to just word vomit

TL;DR: aromantics are fine, not as harmful as asexuality, you do you, make sure you examime yourself and how you feel often, dont just take the word of ppl on tumblr (me included), everyone experiences attraction differently, i just wish split attraction model didnt exist because its perfectly fine to not want sex/romance or to have low/nonexistent attraction, i just dont believe in the labels/identities.

#ask #sorry if this is absolutely incoherent #aromiiic #ace shit #hoping u wont see this as like Hate Speech but an actual like Conversation #its a weird perspective bc there was a time when thatd be me asking a question like that with an icon like that #i remember always trying to raise awareness of aro stuff in the ace community #these conversations always require lots of nuance and understanding #unfortunately tumblr is usually low on reserves wrt nuance and tact #i always try tho and i always have high hopes that ppl respond in kind

[ifuckatex]

BURNING TIME ✐ SKATE

TAGGING → Kate Rutherford & Skylar Puckerman

TIME FRAME → August 19th, 2017

LOCATION → Detroit on the Beach

GENERAL NOTES → Kate & Skylar have a bonfire and get rid of the past. Lowkey not done bc i am lame.

Skylar was glad that they were out of Lima, since it was a drag and everything started to suck. Between Parker and DJ, she was growing tired of the same old cheesy ass love shit. Though, she did hope that they were broken up when they got back in town, but she couldnt roll her eyes hard enough when she saw Parker's cheesy ass Instagram post about him her home. "Give me a break." She muttered as she grabbed her box of things and walked to the beach. She was glad it was only 71 degrees out, since she couldnt handle the heat all that much.

Kate after everything that had happened with Dani and Santana, the young woman needed to get the hell out of dodge. She was lucky to have a friend like Skylar who was always ready to go, heading out to Detroit after renting a room through her parents' time share. She sighed glancing at the bandage that covered her knew tattoo before grabbing a few of her things and heading out to the beach to get this bonfire started. "Are you burning some things too, sweet pea?" She asked, looking over at her friend with a smile and setting her things down so she could start the fire in one of the barrels they had specifically for the bonfires.

Skylar nodded as she heard Kate with a smile and placed the box down next to the barrel. "Yep, mostly the pictures of DJ and I, along with the mixtape that I created. I dropped off his hoodies at his and Parker's apartment." She rolled her eyes, knowing that she was able to show her disgust towards the couple and glanced down at her new tattoo, glad that they had gotten matching tattoos. "You know, I don't get it. He's the one who cheated, yet, he comes out smelling like roses and gets a new girlfriend after the affair happened. Me? Nothing except getting shit on." She knew that she had a lot of built up anger on the subject, which was fair but she couldnt understand why was painted as the bad guy. "Granted, yes. Its nice seeing that they're happy but don't have to tell the fucking internet about it." She sighed as she brushed her hair away from her face and looked at Kate. "Im sorry, we should be focusing on you, not me and my problems."

Kate smiled softly, knowing it would be good for them both to get rid of things. It would be a fresh start for each of them and that's exactly what they needed in order to move on in life. "Because sometimes things just work out for people even when it's not exactly fair. I think people mistake your anger for something else so they don't get to see the side of you that I do and that automatically makes someone a bad guy. It's stupid but it's how it is." She glanced at her friend then. "Do you still have feelings for him, Sky? Be honest with yourself and with me." She murmured before glancing at the picture in her hand and digging through her bag for the other things she could burn. "It's okay. I don't want to think about it to be honest. I don't get why it hurts so much because it was one date and one that didn't happen because she picked someone else right after but it sucks." She shrugged her shoulders. "I think it's because she was the first one I put myself on the line for after Jaxon so it just felt like a kick to the face."

Skylar grabbed one of the pictures of them and glanced over at Kate as she spoke, swallowed some before she glanced down at the picture. "Yeah, he turned his life around but like." She bit down on her bottom lip and let out a shaky breath. "I have some feelings but mostly anger and hate a..and I just want to see him miserable because he deserves to be miserable. Not fucking happy with Parker, especially Parker. Of all people, talk about a big I told you so moment when he posted that picture of them." She closed her eyes and looked at her. "Im sorry K, I know she's your friend too." She grabbed the mixtape and placed it onto the picture. "It does, because you literally shouldnt do it and.." She opened up her mouth and closed it when she heard her friend. "I was about to say something about that, actually. You made yourself vulnerable and she doesnt need your hurt or your tears."

Kate nodded in understanding, knowing how important he was to her. It was hard to let go of someone who meant a lot to you even when they hurt you in the long run. "And I can understand that. He hurt you, badly. And I can't imagine how it feels to have him end up with someone everyone seems to say he was going to end up with. I wish I was hear back then so I could have protected you from that pain." She licked her lips before clearing her throat. "She is my friend and she is just an unfortunate part of the story but I think we both know it's not her fault. He is the one that cheated and him only. But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be angry about things. Just don't let it hold you back from whatever might make you happy in the future. Like fuck him for hurting you but also fuck him because he doesn't deserve to have this kind of hold over you." She reached out to grab her hand and hold it in her own. "I did. I let myself be very vulnerable and it bit me in the ass so yeah, it hurts. And yeah it hurts even more because she's still flirting blatantly where I can see it but what can I do?" She unfolded the sketch of Dani she had made before tossing it into the fire. "But this will be the first step to letting go of that sucky feeling. Like you said, she doesn't need or deserve my hurt or my tears."

Skylar gave her a small smile and shook her head. "It hurts, a lot and me too, but you're here now. That's all it matters." She replied and listened to Kate, knowing that she shouldnt be angry towards Parker, it wasnt her fault that he cheated on her. "I know its not her fault, I mean. Im sure she ripped him a new one when she found out. Since she's pretty scary when she's angry." She licked her lips as she nodded and felt her grab her hand. "You're right." She replied as she tossed the two things into the fire and glanced over at her. "Tell the bitch off? If you want me to do it, I'd be more than happy to do it." She watched her unfold the sketch and watched it end up in the fire. "Exactly, neither of them do because we're badass bitches and we're tough as hell."

Kate shifted over to wrap an arm around Skylar's shoulders, hugging her close and offering a smile in return. "Oh, I have no doubt that she did. Because no matter what, she'll call someone out if they did something wrong. It's just who she is." She watched her friend toss the picture and the mixtape into the fire, knowing that getting rid of it all would help. She was already starting to feel lighter. "If I was meaner, maybe. But she doesn't owe me anything and at least she didn't try to purposefully hurt me you know." She pulled out an envelope full of pictures she hadn't ever been able to look at after she had awoken in the hospital after the last time with Jaxon, pulling one out and taking in a shaky breath. "We are. And that is why I know we're going to be okay. No matter what happens, no more pain if we can help it." She swallowed hard and threw the entire envelope into the fire, shaking as she did so.

Skylar nodded slightly. "Yeah, she's been like since Ive known her." She whispered softly. She wrapped her arm around her middle and glanced over at her, feeling better now. She slowly nodded as she talked, knowing that she shouldnt have wronged her best friend. "True, but still. She still led you on." She rubbed her back, pressed a kiss against her head as she felt her shake. "Exactly, and if we get hurt again, then I guess we can come back here and do it again." She grabbed the rest of the pictures of DJ and her into the fire. "We're gonna be alright."

Kate was glad to have Skylar with her, knowing there was only a few people who knew what she was truly going through- what she had been through. "Well, it's too late to back track now. I should have just left it alone the second she started flirting with Santana. But it's done now. I've deleted her number and thrown away the paper that had it to begin with." She murmured, thankful for the support as she let everything from the past few days and past few years go. "You're right. This can be our spot." She sighed a little, nodding her head in agreement and looking up at Skylar then. "We are. And we're going to have an amazing semester, fuck whoever thinks they can ruin that. I am going to try to be more...open to letting people in and so are you. " She nudged her then with a grin before grabbing the bags she had brought down. "I figured besides the alcohol, we could be like little kids again and make s'mores."

Skylar frowned when she heard her and glanced over at her. "It happens, okay and you're right. We need to start looking towards the future and try to overcome this." She replied and nodded. "Yeah and anytime we need to escape. Come here and take our anger out on something." She smiled as she looked back at Kate, nodded along and grinned when she nudged her. "I agree. No more dealing with closing off people." She raised an eyebrow as she looked at the bag. "Have I told you that I love you?"

Kate "Definitely anytime we need an escape." Kate grinned even wider before shaking her head. "Not today you haven't. I love you too and I figured you'd be happy about it though." She pulled out a box of graham crackers and handed it off before grabbing the marshmallows and chocolate. "Thank you for coming all the way out here with me and getting the tattoo, and just everything." She smiled softly. "Thank you for being you really."

Skylar "And we're going to take Hannah with us, too." Skylar wrapped an arm around her shoulders and let out a sigh. "Oh, well then." She grabbed some graham crackers and nodded as she placed the box onto the ground. "You're welcome." She kissed her cheek and shrugged a bit. "You're welcome."

Kate nodded her head. "I know she was excited to be able to come with us so we'll definitely have to take another one just so she can come with. Hopefully it won't be too awkward with the whole Dani situation." She rested her head on Skylar's shoulder. "Okay, Maui. Let's make some s'mores and get the real party started." She teased, pulling out some skewers to start making their s'mores and putting on together on a stick for Skylar to hold over the fire. "For milady."

Skylar "It won't, she's not her sister." Skylar replied as she glanced at Kate and rubbed her shoulder as she pressed a kiss against her head once more. "Sounds good to me." She dropped her arm from around her and smiled when she grabbed the stick from her. "Thank you milady."

#para002 #para: all #para: skylar puckerman #para: burning time

[jess-oh]

Reflection

it is 3:40am but i thought it would be important to write a reflection.

i have a lot on my mind. i was feeling pretty depressed earlier bc i realized that i became the type of person that i hate. people who gossip to make themselves feel better bc they’re too afraid to actually say anything.

and i hate that. i told joyce a white lie. i talked smack behind tess’ back and didnt confront her when i had the chance. because it was easier. because she couldnt get mad at me for saying things that she didnt know. and thats so fucked up. and i really dont want to do that. 

work was fine and i talked to willow and michaela in the south crib for the majority of the time and tess worked by herself in the front. and sometimes she came to the back bc she felt lonely and i would just brush it off and ask, “do you need something?” and when she would say no, i would tell her to go man the front. and that was pretty shitty of me to do. shes just trying to fit in and i have no right to degrade her or look down on her for that. yes, there are things that i need to talk to her about. she shouldnt prioritize cleaning the crib when we have customers. she shouldnt get my attention when she knows im busy. she shouldnt look down on others just bc they have less knowledge regarding woodshop equipment than her. we’ve been at this job longer and she needs to respect that. i get that shes older than me in age but in terms of work experience, i have the upperhand. and she cant just completely disregard that. thats messed up too.

but after work when angel, willow, and i were on our way out together, it was just so easy to be accepted into their group and look down on her and talk smack and while i didnt contribute to the conversation that much, i was tempted to go off on her. and i hate that. why would i want to do that?

i was already not in a great mood when i met Chelsea earlier but i do think it was nice that we got the chance to really just talk one on one. even if it awkward, it’s progress. Life group was pretty good too. James got us Popeye’s chicken and i was so happy ; v ; IT WAS SO GOOD.

but, im on better terms with angela now and i tried to be open with her. i think it’s hard bc she and angela are both really quick to judge and their compliments feel forced at times and not genuine. they tried to give me words of encouragement but honestly, it didnt really help. i was super nervous when i first talked to chelsea but i felt better while at life group. we actually talked on the way back instead of traveling together in silence. she’s a walking meme and im a lot more outgoing and starting to be spontaneous. but one thing that did stick out to me was when angela mentioned how she thinks one of my gifts is evangelism. which i did not expect to hear at all. she said that a lot of people were shocked that i brought a friend to church, someone who isnt Christian. and how im soft spoken and have a way with talking to people. which was a pretty interesting perception bc others see me as extremely aggressive and outgoing. and i honestly dont think it’s a mask. it just depends on my mood. but in general, im more than happy to meet new people. but sometimes, i just have a lot going on and on my mind and i dont always want to dedicate the time and energy to others. and i do want to push myself to do better but i still need to find that balance of both. 

after that, i went to the sky lounge and hung out with jay, sharlene, and joyce briefly. jay and sharlene ended up leaving and i was supposed to east kbbq with dana and mulan and i really wanted to but i felt bad leaving joyce all alone. i didnt want to and i know what it’s like to be in her shoes. so i had fun with them all but returned to joyce shortly after and worked on homework with her. and when she was ready to leave, i happened to be finishing up my assignment and departed soon after, back to mulan and everyone. i did tell joyce that i would be returning to my room though and i felt bad for lying but i didnt want to tell her to her face that i just would rather hangout with them than her. bc i know how much that hurts and stings and how long joyce’s self esteem already is and i didnt want to make her feel any worse than she already does. 

but i did have a lot of fun with dana and everyone. we sang our hearts out to old songs, disney princess movies, dear evan hansen, and so much more. and it was fun to just let go and yell and sing at the top of my lungs without fear of judgment. and it wasnt me trying to fit in, i was genuinely having a lot of fun. 

and im taking dana to church on sunday again bc she wants to go and ive brought up other opportunities to get involved but im also trying not to overwhelm her but going all in. i think just sundays are okay for now and i do really hope that she can find a good community within lakeview. and i hope i can find it too. and i hope we can change into an accepting, open ministry that loves to pray and intimately worship and really cry out to God.

God, I really miss praying so passionately to you. It used to come so naturally but it’s been a while now and I’m definitely starting to struggle. But I do want to get back in it. And i know that that’s so easy to say with words but I mean it. I do want to. And I know I could blame not doing it on time or work or anything else but those are really just all excuses. I do genuinely want to pray for others and invest into them. I don’t know if I’m actually gifted with evangelism. But I do know that I have the gift of compassion because I care so deeply for those around me and their well being. It’s not about me. it’s about them and what I can do to serve them. 

At life group, Angela mentioned to myself and Emily about how leadership for the second semester is coming up and how we should tell her if we’re interested. And honestly, I am. I am in a lot better of place now than I was last year and I’m happy with it.  But I know that I am still struggling and it isn’t perfect but I do crave serving again. And I feel as if I’ve rested for far too long. Because I do want to get back out there and love and serve and really have an open heart that’s just so willing and so compassionate and full of joy and hope for the Lord. I just don’t know if I can yet. Do you want me to do this, God? Am I just afraid or is this a sign, encouraging me to go for it? I know I’ll never be perfect but I do want to do this. I do. Even if it means not being able to serve on e-board for ASO. As much as I want to do that too. I do want to invest into Lakeview and I know that it is a place that you have called me to. And I don’t doubt that one bit. I know I fell off the wagon recently but I do want to get back out there and really build relationships with you and them. I do.

And finally, I was going to mention something about Andrew but I don’t remember anymore. But I did imagine a scenario where someone, a new girlfriend perhaps, calls him out on his sexist, selfish behavior and he tries to use the fact that im a close female friend but never said anything as a justification. and then he realizes how we’ve actually been growing apart and wonders if she’s right. and i would have to confess that she is.

oh! i remember! i’m not a priority for him. which i understand bc it’s a lot easier to prioritize people you can actually meet up with in person. but i feel like our skype calls and even just chatting via facebook, they arent all that important to him. it’s more of a convenience thing. and i guess that we dont have to talk all the time and we just both mutually know that we’ll be there for each other when needed. it’s just tough, i guess. bc i do want to be prioritized and i do want him to hold up on plans and promises that he made with me first. and i could just be pinning the blame on him through this trying time as marlena leaves columbia and i go out to seek a new person to be vulnerable with. but... idk. im honestly not sure. it’s just hard i guess.

#reflection

[myapogee]

I saw Lego Batman yesterday and really loved it but also parts of it kinda got me melancholic so here’s me saying dumb things about myself as well as some movie spoilers so dont read more if you havent seen it yet and care

they did a good job with the character development / theme of batman being afraid of starting a new family bc he’s scared of losing them. and that hit me fairly hard. him eating alone, watching tv alone, working alone etc. i could relate.

and it just made me face my ever present version of his fear. batman’s afraid he’ll lose important ppl by them dying. which makes sense even more with him as batman than as a child bc his allies become a target, they go into battles where they arent guaranteed to come out alive. needless to say, the ppl around me aren’t anywhere near as likely to die out of the blue. but even if they were. thats not what im afraid of.

when someone dies it is generally not their fault. they dont mean to hurt you, it wasnt their choice or your choice and theres usually nothing you could have done to change it. but ppl can leave your life in other ways than dying. constantly, people choose to leave others behind. they mean to hurt you, someone is to blame, and there are things that could have been done to change it. when someone dies, yeah, it’s sad. but death is a necessary part of the universe, it has to happen to everyone and for myself its not exactly as if i’m all that opposed to dying anyways. point is, losing someone in any way is sad. but losing them when youve hurt each other. losing them even though theyre still alive and well somewhere you could just drive to. you could walk right up to them and see how happy they are without you, happier without you. 

i have my family downstairs. my parents and my sister. and i see them a few times a week, esp on weekends since i have nothing at all to do. and the way our family is, its unthinkable any member(s) could really abandon any other(s). even if i did come out of the closet to my parents, they wouldnt kick me out im sure. im sure theyd say theyre fine and encourage me or whatever. but id still know. id know they dont mean. id know i disappointed both of them. i know bc my dad has specifically told my sister and i “of course we’d be fine if either of you were gay... we’d just prefer it if you were straight, haha”. i know bc my mom has specifically shed be uncomfortable at a gay wedding, and when my sister and i tried to call her out on it, saying “that line of thought is just like ppl who used to be ‘uncomfortable’ with a white person and a black person getting married” and she scoffed and said it “wasn’t the same thing” and i insisted it was. you dont just forget that and move on. you dont just bring it up and have them say theyve changed or that they didnt mean it or anything like that bc how, how can you believe them? how can you trust them after that??? how could i be myself around them when in college my mom went through a list of the girls i knew trying to figure out if i was interested in any of them. who told me she wasnt worried about the possibility of me being gay bc she knew i had crushes on girls in elementary/middle school.  and you know what my sister’s pretty great. but now i have to be fucking wary of her bc she looked through my blog (before my name change, HENCE MY NAME CHANGE) without my permission but more specifically WHEN I TOLD HER NOT TO FOLLOW IT and then found on my art blog a self portrait of myself in more feminine clothing (hardly, even? a floral shirt. like. they make that for men! i saw them while working at sears! i would love to wear why more feminine shit than that, but man even just this one thing-) and asked if i was gender fluid. and you know what? i denied it bc maybe i am a little though id like to support the notion that clothing shouldnt be so gender biased BUT IF I WANT TO TELL YOU I AM GENDER FLUID or nonbinary or ANYTHIGN like that, i will TELL YOU IN PERSON. you are NOT to find out by SKULKING my BLOG.

i have a friend who lives p close and a friend who lives way far and i appreciate them so much i really do (though distance is always really tough for me). but im not... great... at being a friend. bc i grew up so ingrained with the knowledge that all friends always leave. and when that happens its going to hurt. and the number of days spent hurting after they leave will be much more the number of days spent smiling while they were there. mathematically, its no contest. friends arent worth having. and family? im scared. i cant be... who i am... with them here. and i cant leave them either. id have no one. bc theyre the only ones who cant leave me just like i cant leave them. we wont. and at the point where i am now its too late anyways. its not like i can suddenly learn to trust someone. to love someone or support them. im selfish and scared and i stayed holed up and im not going to just... change. i wont. ive known that. for a long time. 

anyways zach galifinakskys has a shitty normie voice and shouldnt have voiced the joker. like if hes going to voice the joker he can at least TRY to sound more eccentric, it is way too bizarre hearing that bland voice coming from that particular villain

#the movie had some real great jokes and references #i def recommend it #though obvs it has plenty of problem things too what big movie doesnt