#and i nono wanna relapse

[sacrificialmutt]

lore dropping in the tags because! uhm

#┈ ✴ ﹙rambling﹚ #habit lore drop!! #my tag for lore drops bc i have experienced life altering mental illness #but the obsessive murderous hannigram dynamic is doing the opposite of wonders for my recovering brain #i had this whole delusion (question mark? idk if thats the right word but idk what it was but its never been addressed by anyone but me #long story short i was very famous on yandere tumblr and insta bc i was very unwell in the head #i could write a whole paper about irl yanderes bc being in there u learn its nothing like the stereotype of irl yanderes #but its just a lot of unstable people in an echo chamber #honestly most dont mean any harm its just a venting method tbh.. but w the aesthetic and japanese origin ppl will say ur being problematic #or whatevs #idrc this is not the point #i loooove to give way too much unnecessary context #BUT ANYWAYS #hannigram would have been like. the blueprint relationship for me #like now i can appreciate it as a ship separate from myself as a real person #but idk especially with the origami heart body in season 3 like its stirring smth up in me #and i nono wanna relapse #but like how do u not relapse into a state of mind? #and idek what it was like officially bc on paper theres nothing wrong with me #i became a whole different person and no one around me noticed?? i was so toxic and awful to be around bc i had this dark cloud over me #but nobody knows nobody knows and it weighs on me i was so awful not even to be edgy but bc i was having these awful urges #idk where im going with this im just lore dropping now #im going to stop #i need to speak to a professional but i could never tell anyone this #tldr hannigram makes smth in my brain itch that has been dormant for like two years and i want it to stay sleeping #bc if it wakes up and i go insane again idk if i will survive it

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for telling someone they're a horrible person and making them relapse?

trigger warning: self-harm, suicide(?)

so im, like many teenagers online, an avid participant of fandom spaces and my current favorite is genshin impact. if you've ever interacted with the genshin fandom you may guess where this is going but i happened to find myself liking a ship that is the big nono ship in this fandom (aka the incest ship, kaeluc) but since i mostly stick to my space and don't really interact with anyone that doesn't already have content of this ship on their account id never gotten into any hot water over it.. until recently.

this person, ill call them rick, suddenly liked a bunch of my (non-ship related) posts. normal interaction, i didn't think anything of if and moved on. (i didn't even notice at the time, but they unliked all of the posts before what happened next, i assume as they realized i was a proshipper and didn't want to associate with me.) next thing i know, the same user is in my askbox, sending me the most vile, hate filled messages i have ever seen.

ok... no biggie. i delete the asks, block them and move on with my life. but it doesn't stop. i had never in my whole life received hate online, but now for the first time ever, i had a dedicated hater, sending me anonymous asks at all times of the day. death threats, dox threats, telling me to kill myself, calling me a degenerate and all that, all with the same consistent writing style. now, one could say that maybe this wasn't rick, and maybe not even all the same person but i really feel like this is the only reasonable explanation considering i have like 6 followers and my most famous post has 3 notes. i don't think im important enough to have that many haters.

so, i did the only thing i could think to do: turned off anon asks. then the asks started coming from random throwaway accounts. ok...turned off asks. then it was dms. turned those off too. THE FUCKING COMMENT SECTIONS OF MY POSTS.

dedication isn't enough to describe this. at this point it's actually becoming distressing to me and im considering closing my whole account cause i just wanna get away from all this. im 16, i don't have the mental capacity to spend all day policing my social media because someone wants me to die for liking fictional incest.

so i very reluctantly unblock rick and send them a dm. i very gently ask if they are the person who has been sending me asks/dms/etc and if they are, if they could please stop because it's become genuinely distressing to me and i just want to be silly on a website. they block me.

alright, im now out of options. everything on my profile is blocked at this point and i don't even want to post anything else so i just kind of leave the account behind for a while. when i come back, i discover that someone HACKED into the account and defaced the whole thing (changed pfp, deleted posts etc etc) so now im genuinely bummed. i go to rick's profile and guess who has been unblocked? i ask them if they can please answer my question. they don't answer but instead tell me i deserve everything ive gotten and i should choke for all they care.

i tell them they're a terrible person and go absolutely off the rails like the dumb, upset teenager i am. i didn't say anything particularly horrible (mostly i just tell them about how awful they've made me feel over fictional shit that really doesn't matter and how i just wanted peace) but i definetely wouldn't like to receive a message like that. and rick didn't either, because they blocked me.

well, since im sure you're wondering where this comes in, here's where i kind of feel like an asshole:

i continued to stalk rick's account on a different blog (because i was bitter. ok?) and they've been posting about how they relapsed into self harm because of a message they received from a stranger and how they've been crying non-stop and this is the worst relapse they've had in years and etc etc and i just got this pit in my stomach. this person's bio says they're 15! i don't want to ever be the reason a fifteen year old is hurting themselves! i've been feeling like a piece of shit ever since (esp since i also deal with sh) and i just feel like the worse person ever. i honestly don't know if i was just acting like anyone else and this was an unfortunate consequence or if i need to go pray for god to forgive my sins or something.

aita?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw #self harm cw #ship discourse