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julemmaes · 3 years

Text

Not Enough

Rowaelin Month, Day Three

A/N: guess what? French is still not a priority:) This is a continuation of yesterday's prompt actually, but there's no need to read it to understand the story, I just think it'd hurt more if you did tho. So it's up to you, enjoy!

Word Count: 2,646

Aelin had been awake long before her fiancé's alarm went off.

She had been awake when the sun had begun to shine through the blinds and she had been awake when he had rolled over in bed, holding her one last time before getting up to go to the bathroom.

She had vividly felt the kiss he had left on her forehead and the whispered words of each morning.

Go back to sleep, love.

The sound of water falling in the shower and the soft humming of Rowan preparing for yet another day in the Senators. The song of the birds beginning to fly out of their flat wasn't giving her the fairy-tale awakening it did every morning. And the Ottawa traffic that increased with the ticking of the clock was no longer giving her the sense of life it had given her over the past few months.

And then a hint of hope as Rowan walked into their room and began to change, slipping on his shoes and giving her another kiss, this time on the lips.

The sound of his duffle bag being lifted off the ground, the sticks banging into each other.

The jacket being put on.

She heard the front door open and closed her eyes, a smile so slight that few would be able to see it for what was perhaps finally happening.

Aelin began to hope as she had never before in her life.

That Rowan hadn't just forgotten to take off the ring he wore on his finger, but had deliberately decided to leave the house with the silver band on his hand. To show it to the world.

She heard the soft click of the door shutting and brought her hands to her face, trying to hide the clear happiness etched on her features, trying to hold back the shriek of victory.

She pulled herself up in her seat, her head snapping to his bedside table to make sure it wasn't just a dream. That Rowan had actually gone outside, shouting to the world that he was getting married. When she didn't see anything shiny on the countertop, she fell forward onto the bed, a dazzling smile now beyond her control on her lips.

They had talked about it for a long time, arguing for days, weeks, each time deciding to leave things as they were.

Rowan Whitethorn, professional athlete, rookie for his dream team, was climbing the ranks of every chart that existed. New recruit with most goals scored in the last ten years. Player with the fastest shot ever. Most handsome man of the year.

Aelin was proud. She was so proud.

But she wasn't happy.

It had been more than two years since they got together. Two of the best years of Aelin's life, in spite of everything.

They'd spent the last year of college breaking up and getting back together, constantly, amidst the rumors from others and the insults from every person who insinuated that she was only dating him for his title, for what he would become in a few months. They'd broken up for good the summer Rowan had been called up to play for one of the top teams in the country, after she'd been pushed to the ground by an overly agitated fan outside a club during one of their friends' birthdays.

Rowan had lost his temper, lashed out, and the team had threatened to cut him off before he even got in. Aelin would have never allowed such a thing and had left him, saying there was no hope for them anyway. Either way, he would travel for six months non-stop and she would stay home, alone.

He had looked at her, his eyes wet with tears that Aelin had never seen him cry, and thanked her, for putting up with everything he had subjected her to.

When it was confirmed that Rowan had made it onto the Ottawa Senators, Aelin, who hadn't spoken to him in months, had texted him, congratulating him on achieving his dream.

He hadn't texted her back, and Aelin had known that whatever hope they had had was dead.

Surely she wouldn't have imagined Rowan turning up at her house, asking her to go with him, the day before the move. Desperate, opening his heart to her, his every thought, his every worry. But showing how far he would be willing to go if it meant spending even one more night with her.

And that was how Aelin found herself in their home, in their new city. Promised to the only man she would ever love, to the only man who would know her so well that he understood what was going on in her head even before she did.

And until now she had been a secret.

They had kept their relationship a secret.

Only their closest friends, their families had known of their comeback.

And they'd been so painfully good at keeping a low profile, despite Rowan being all over the headlines of every sports magazine. So good, in fact, that Aelin felt as if she didn't exist.

Every interview in which Rowan said he had no one, that he was single. Every picture of him and one of their friends in the magazines hinting at a possible relationship. Whether it was Lysandra, Nehemia, Manon - she didn't care, she knew he'd come home to her. But every little thing was just another splinter added to the spike that was piercing her heart.

But today, she thought, smiling, today Rowan had gone out with the ring.

The promise he had made to her, that he would be hers one day.

The promise he'd been afraid to show to anyone, and that he'd slipped off every day to keep the reporters from talking.

She was still floating on clouds, her breath short, ready to burst into tears with happiness the second her brain too had really understood what was going on. It was at that moment that she heard it.

The front door opening.

Rowan walking quickly towards their room. The heavy footsteps in the hallway.

He opened the door, giving her a half smile.

Aelin felt her heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

He greeted her with a quick kiss. Something he had once been allowed to do even in public. Something that had given her the strongest emotions he was now afraid to do.

She stopped seeing. Hearing. Feeling.

She got out of bed with slow, almost robotic movements, heading for the bathroom. She clung to the sink, her grip so tight her knuckles turned white, and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes that had once been cheerful, happy, looked back at her empty, dull.

And Aelin knew, even without looking, that on the bedside table lay his ring.

***

Rowan had never been so tired in his life.

Today's training had exhausted him so much that he'd almost called Aelin to come and pick him up, worried that if he got behind the wheel in this condition he'd have an accident.

Then he remembered that he couldn't.

That Aelin couldn't come and get him, because to let her leave the house, to let others know of her links to him would put her in danger.

So he'd gotten into his car and driven with the radio volume too loud, to keep him awake, and pinched himself every time he changed songs, to stay alert on the road.

He walked up the stairs to his house with hurried steps, wanting to reach Aelin as soon as possible. Telling her that he had missed her and the crap Lorcan had said during practice. Warning her that Fenrys would be coming to town in the next few days and they would have to arrange a dinner at their house.

He liked being able to talk about their friends, it gave him a sense of normalcy. Something that playing hockey didn't give him.

He would never say he was unhappy with his sporting career. He couldn't even if he wanted to. Hockey had been his final destination since the first time his father had put skates on his feet and pushed him on the ice.

And now, after winning the championship, with record-breaking results, his first year as a professional, he couldn't complain too much.

But staying away from Aelin during games. The hotel rooms, the flights, the girls throwing themselves at him at every party thinking he wasn't taken... it had been taxing. And he couldn't help but imagine that it would only get harder over the years.

The only thing that would keep him sane was the idea of coming home to her.

He opened the door, calling her name and expecting the smell of whatever she had decided to cook that night to fill his nose, but it didn't. Aelin didn't answer, all the lights were off, and he lent an ear to the hallway, hoping to hear the shower going - maybe he'd even be able to join her if he moved fast enough - but the house was shrouded in stark silence.

He closed his eyes with a sigh.

He hated coming home when she was out.

Whether she was at the gym or shopping, it was like a torture that only he had to endure.

He carried his duffel bag into the bedroom, leaving everything by the wardrobe, slipping off his shoes slowly and letting himself fall onto the mattress.

He ran a hand over his face, trying to get some of the sleep out of his body, and turned to the bedside table, ready to wear the ring she had gotten him. A promise he'd be able to keep once things were settled with his agent.

He snatched the ring from the bedside table and found himself taking a second look at it.

His breath caught in his throat.

Aelin's ring sat there, next to a slip of paper.

And Rowan knew. Even without having read what she had written, what it meant.

He snapped out of bed, opening her wardrobe violently, the dressers, finding them completely empty. He cursed aloud, running to the bathroom, opening every goddamn drawer, every shelf, finding them bare of all her possessions.

The living room, her reading nook, empty of everything that had belonged to her.

He grew short of breath and the more air he tried to gulp down, the more panic assailed him, closing his lungs.

He ran back into their bedroom, grabbing the letter and running his eyes over the words, looking for a clue, a name that would give her away and make him know where she was.

Lysandra.

He grabbed the phone from his jacket, fingers too fast on the screen as he searched for his friend's number.

She picked it up after three rings.

"Rowan! Hey, what's up?" she replied cheerfully.

He did not even waste any time in answering, "Where's Aelin?" he asked in short breath.

"Aelin?" asked Lysandra, then in a more concerned tone. "Why don't you know where she is? Something happened?"

He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the ends until he felt pain, "She left a letter, saying she was leaving and you'd know-"

"Rowan, she didn't call me. She didn't leave me any message," she stopped him.

A choked sound escaped his control. "Fuck."

"Wait." she said suddenly. "Yeah, here, I got a message from her a couple of hours ago. She-"

She froze suddenly and Rowan knew immediately what was about to happen.

"Please." he begged her.

Lysandra remained silent.

"Rowan, I can't tell you-"

"Please, Lys. Please." his voice broke.

He heard his friend take a deep breath, "Let me talk to her. And I'll let you know," and then a pause, "but if she asks me not to tell you anything, Rowan, I won't betray her trust like that."

He knew that. And he was glad that Aelin had friends she could still trust blindly.

"In the meantime, try to rest. I'll let you know if she's okay."

The call ended, Rowan didn't even say goodbye. He stood in front of the bed, a bed he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep in tonight without her. He picked up the letter with trembling hands and headed for the kitchen.

He set it down on the table, sitting up and rubbing his hands over his eyes.

He needed something to drink if he was going to go through with this.

He poured himself half a glass of whiskey and began to read.

Hi Rowan

when you’ll read this, I’ll be on a plane over the ocean already. I don’t know where I’m going yet and I’m not gonna tell you, cause I don’t want you knowing and leaving everything behind to follow me.

Cause I know you would, baby, I know you’d let it all go for me in a second if I asked you to. But I’m not letting you. What kind of person would that make me if I did?

You worked your entire life for this. You woke up at unholy hours of the day just to train for half of your life. You had your body slammed into those plastic barriers for fun for years, cause you love the feeling you get after a good game. I know you always complain about the bruises and the pain, but we all know you like that cause it makes you feel like you did enough. You ate shit food that tastes like cardboard so you could have that amazing body and play for your dream team. Skate on the ice whenever you want.

And you did it, Rowan. You made you dream come true.

And I’m not gonna be the one person to take it from you.

I won’t ask you to give up on something this big, not for me.

I’m just a person.

Someone you love, that used to love you.

But I can’t do this anymore, because I’m losing myself. And losing this part of me will make me hate you. And I don’t want that to happen.

I don’t want to be your secret anymore. And I don’t want to have to protect myself when I go out if I’m not. I want to be able to walk next to you, holding your hand without risking being shoved aside or hurt. I don’t want you to be worried all the time, whenever I’m not with you. I don’t want people talking about us.

And I’m weak, Rowan. I’m not like you, and I’m so tired. I can’t put on a mask, an armor, and pretend like the words don’t hurt, cause they do. They slice through my heart and they taint my love for you.

This isn’t the life I wanted for us, but it’s the one fate gave us, so maybe we’re not meant to be. I hoped with everything I am that we were, that I deserved you – that one day people would stop caring about others’ lives and mind their own fucking business.

It broke us back in college and I’m not willing to have them do that again on their terms, so I’m doing it on mine.

I wish I could be your “till death do us apart”, but I can’t.

I hope you find someone who will love you as much as you deserve and I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person.

I’m sorry my love was not enough.

Please, for my own sanity, don’t ask Lysandra where I am.

I’m not coming back,

Aelin

Rowan sat there, tears streaming down his face, as he read and reread the paper in his hands, finding hard to breathe as his world collapsed on him.

And the only thing he wished, was for him to be able to hold her one last time.

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#rowaelin month #rowaelin #rowan whitethorn #aelin galathynius #rowaelin month day three #tog #throne of glass #rowaelin fic

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