#and idk i guess im a really emotional person so anytime my dad so much as raises his voice

[orcelito]

Thinking about using the journal I got for writing my dad's eulogy for trying to process my grief with it. The letter from me I found in his lockbox is still in that front sleeve, along with one of the memorial folders they had at the funeral.

I think I don't want to write it all on here. I think I've talked about my emotions too much as of late.

#speculation nation #negative/ #kind of. i guess. #the thing about grief is that it really just never ends. #so im done with the funeral. the time is over. here i am. hes dead. im alive. time to move on. #but it's not that simple. of course it's not. #but would my followers who followed me just for my writing even Care? #honestly surprised i havent lost more followers. or any? idk i havent been paying much attention to numbers #but i know it hasnt really gone down much if at all #i just feel. like im not the person that people initially followed. #and i dont know when im going to be that person again. #there's no enthusing here. anytime im making text posts it's about The Situation. #i wonder how evident my grief is to you all. i feel it in my every breath. #i havent been working yet i feel weak. it's hard to feel much at all. #either im existing and im helping with packing or im crying again bc i remembered my dad cant help me pick out a car now #(in the Vaguely In The Future me buying a used car idea. for after i get my license. whenever that is.) #or im crying bc of jackets or colognes or a letter in a lockbox or a stupid minions hat picture in a too-big frame #or laughing bc Dad In A Bag (his ashes are downstairs. im far too unbothered by their presence) #ive been having an... okay time. we watched Dune today and i started building a lego set. it was nice. #but im only ever Okay. emotions hard to access. interests certainly not accessible. #making it hard to be creative at all. im literally only going through the motions here. #theres no heart. i left it behind when i got that 2 am call and had to rush to the hospital to watch my dad die. #i left it behind when i touched his cold arm for the last time. when i walked out of that room & knew id never see him again. #i know a week is still far too soon to be over it. but im sick of feeling this way. #it still doesnt feel real. feels like im following the bad end route just to see. i should still be able to reload my past save. #but this is my life now. forever until the end. out of nowhere hes dead and hes never coming back #and it's just really fucking hard to care about just about Anything else right now. #i prommy im gonna use the journal next time i get the urge to vent about this. im sick of this crap too.

[the-kneesbees]

.

#my dad made it painfully fucking clear that he hated me from the age of like 12-14 #and he always blamed it on my age #yk 'teenage girls are sooo difficult to raise' #and it took a handful of really big arguments #and countless smaller ones #for him to decide that hey maybe i actually want to have a decent relationship with my daughter #and acts like ive grown as a oerson and all our arguments before were all my fault #but now ive changed and we dont butt heads as much anymore #even though i havent really changed much at all #i just decided that my mental health was more important to me than the man who said to my face that he wishes i was never born #i changed nothing #i just decided to just say ok fine whatever you can be right if that makes you feel better #and move on #and i thought i was done with the constant arguing every fucking day #i mean we still dont gt along that well all the time but i thought i would at least be able to fucking breathe #except now my brother at that age #where hes constantly arguing with my dad #its an everyday thing #and its just been getting worse #and idk i guess im a really emotional person so anytime my dad so much as raises his voice #at literally anyone #im a fucking mess #i guess the difference between me and my brother #my brother wont cry in front in front of our dad #and he'll just let him say whatever he wants he wont protest or anything #he just says ok #but i always cry when my dad yells at me #and i also always yell back #idk which is more draining though. idk im just a mess im so tired #i thought i was done but now its gonna be like this till i move out.

[stateofirrelevancy]

Get To Know Me Tag

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

Holla @ ma girl @kerrity13​ thx for the tag babe

LAST:

1. Drink: some H and a double shot of O 2. Phone call: To my mom to ask where the olive oil is only to realize olive oil has too many calories and wasn’t worth it dsfjkds so then I tossed it back in the cabinet but it didn’t land upright woops 3. Text message: “she jus wants a friend” sent to my friend Orange who is watching Moana w me right now in response to “why is this fire lady so angry” 4. Song you listen to: Like I said I’m watching Moana so the I Am Moana song but if that doesn’t count then Vanity’s Fair - A Lot Like Birds 5. Time you cried: I actually have no idea?? Sometime in June prolly

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: twice????? bich i aint go on a date once 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Is this the section to make me feel bad bc I never leave my room 8. Been cheated on: refer to #6 9. Lost someone special: Idk I feel like yes like all my grandparents passed away and my uncle on my mom’s side and my aunt on my dad’s side and also v recently my uncle on my dad’s side but like they lived in Pakistan so I rarely saw them ya feel?? 10. Been depressed: I mean I’ve def been super sad but idk if I’d say ~depressed~ 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: refer to #7

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: Orange, yellow, black, in that order.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Yes, one of whomstve being @oceansweather my go to drama buddy 16. Fallen out of love: fallen out of what now? u mean when I get over bands I used to like? Then yes Big Time motherfuckin Rush yall broke my tiny heart in two 17. Laughed until you cried:  Def who hasn’t 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I don’t think so?? Like I don’t doubt people do but I ain’t jumpin 2 kno about it 20. Found out who your friends are: I guess?? I mean I’ve basically had the same friends for 5 years lol 21.  Kissed someone on your Facebook list: On the cheeks ya

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Ok considering I have eight (8) FB friends bc I made my fb to join my college’s group I know all of them considering I only added ppl super close to me lmao 23. Do you have any pets: When my brother lived here I had his cat Glimmer who is a stripper but he moved out and now I’m constantly :( 24. Do you want to change your name: Nah I like my name 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: On the exact day I had a big dinner at home w my family and the weekend after my friends came over! 26. What time do you wake up: If my mom wakes me up then 10 otherwise 11-12:30 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: prolly on tumblr tbfh 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Bojack Horseman season 4!! and new 5sos music ofc.  29. When was the last time you saw your mom? around 2 hrs ago when I went down to make popcorn lol 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: ??? be hot or not dumb either would b k00l 31. What are you listening to right now: I’m watching What The Health now cause Moana ended rksdjlkfsd 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: No?? The only Toms I know are british YouTubers bye 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ummm myself 34. Most visited website: prolly youtube 35. Mole/s: One on my left pinky, one at the bottom of my left ring finger, one next to my left knee, one above my right eyebrow, one in the pit of my left elbow. 36. Mark/s: I have a huge birth mark on my stomach lmao fun fact it used to look like the US when I was younger 37. Childhood dream: yall I had my life planned THE FUCK out. When I was in fifth grade I decided I would b a pop star like Hannah Montana until I was ~30, and then when my world fame inevitably dissipated, I’d become a doctor like the good little brown girl I thot I was. 38. Hair color: black like my soul 39. Long or short hair: medium length lol 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Calum mf Hood ain’t got eyes for no one else 41. What do you like about yourself: what do I what now 42. Piercings: do my ears getting pierced when I was a baby count asdklfj 43. Blood type: I think B positive?? idk 44. Nicknames? Aky 45. Relationship status: me myself and i are together and in a loving poly relationship 46. Zodiac: Taurus 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV Show: PARKS AND REC!!! I was jus telling my friend the other day that idt I’ll ever find a show I’ll love more than it. Words can’t describe how much I love P&R yall. 50. Right or left hand: Right but don’t b fooled my left is mf skilled 51. Surgery: nope 52. Hair dyed in different color: I wish!! 53. Sport: who? I don’t know her 55. Vacation: what does this mean like have I been on vacation before?? Then ya lol 56. Pair of trainers: CONVERSE BITCH aint no one else exist in the world but her

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: idk what this question means what is my fave food????????? then,, idfk lasagna 58. Drinking: capri sun could fuck me in the asshole any day 62. Want: ?? death 63. Get married: ya I’m mf down when will a boi wife me tf up 64. Career: idk I really wanna work in AI 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs wtf i aint kiss none but hugs are pure i will fight someone over this 66. Lips or eyes: idk eyes?? 67. Shorter or taller: I guess taller cause im smol 68. Older or younger: older give me a daddy 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms gotta b strong to choke me 2 death 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive I need some1 2 feel emotions for me thx 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: are u saying i have the choice of finally having a cringey fuckboi badboy tm that most every wattpad fic was about 5 yrs ago?? no thanks

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: ,,,u kno the answer to that bye 75. Drank hard liquor: this is the section to make me feel bad abt myself reincarnated  76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no n knock on wood I won’t 77. Turned someone down: ekjfnkdlsn one time a guy asked me to homecoming and I told him homecoming wasn’t my thing and then he saw me at homecoming ekdfjaderdfkalesdf 78. Sex on the first date: uhhh 222 early 4 me 79. Broken someone’s heart: who knows mayb i broke the homecoming guys heart the world may never know 80. Had your heart broken: anytime Calum refuses to acknowledge my existence 81. Been arrested: no but I’ll gladly b put in handcuffs :-) 82. Cried when someone died: ya when my grandma on my mom’s side died. Oh and also when Christina Grimmie died :( 83. Fallen for a friend: idt so

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: ha 85. Miracles: sort of? Like I don’t believe in the magic behind it or whatnot but like winning the lottery would be a miracle bc like it’ so rare ya feel me 86. Love at first sight: nope not one bit 87. Santa Claus: fun anecdote so I’m Muslim and I never understood how Santa knows which houses are for people who celebrate christmas vs those who don’t and so I somehow conjured up the theory that he knows bc he checks each house and if they decorated and have a tree up, they celebrate it. So I was telling my mom this and she’s a vvv blatant person so we was straight up like he doesn’t exist and I was like he does!! and she was like ok then put up decorations and see if he comes and I was like :-( 88. Kiss on the first date: personally too early for me

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: Idek who would be considered my #1?? Also what happened to question 89 lol 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam

I tag @oceansweather @aneverendingreplay @5sowoc @lukescurlies @fuckmemgc @harrqstyles @punk-dinosaur @ovalt @tennisbowels @disasterologiess @hiighriselights and anyone else who wants to

#does anyone actually read these lol #about me

[cosmicats]

Answer all the questions

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? yessss2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? idk sure3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. The girls ran up to her, and Demeter followed; but as she crossed the threshold, she seemed taller to look at, and full of majesty, and Metaneira rose from her couch, and bade her to be seated.4: What’s something you really want right now? a reallyyy ybig hug from my girlfriend 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? slightly. i fell really really hard really quickly but it was mutual so it turned out perfectly.6: How can I win your heart? If you can be silly and make me laugh tbh 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Unsure, but i do know we’ve slept on the ground /next/ to a couch lmao8: What’s the background on your cell? my gorgeous baby and I9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? mine, my hotel bed, my brother’s hotel bed, my baby’s bed.10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I know she does.11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? I dunno, I never really had a plan to begin with so w/e, things are going great. (am learning to plan for the future tho.)12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? lmao the iowa state police13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? A Rottie 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional def15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoo! i love animals16: Are you tired? always17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? SInce 8th grade18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I wouldn’t. 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? helllll fucking no. fuck that. 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? like two minutes ago21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Yes. (but i do have the right person)22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? A million times23: When was the last time you were disappointed? today when the pizza at the airport wasn’t v good :(24: Is there a certain quote you live by? You can do anything you set your mind to. No limits.25: What’s on your mind? my babyyyyy as alwayssss26: Do you have any tattoos? not yet but I will very soon27: What is your favorite color? It always changes tbh depending on the day. rn it’s the the sky on my flight today28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? tomorrow29: Who are you texting? my girl 30: Are you superstitious about anything? super about jinxing31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? YA WENT SHOOTING W MY FAMILY LAST YEAR AND IT WAS MY TURN TO GO AND IT WAS MY GREAT GRANDPA’S REVOLVER AND I HAD A BAD FEELING AND SO I PASSED AND THEN IT LIKE, EXPLODED ON MY DAD SO.

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? I have a whole group chat of guys i can talk to33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? lmao ya my girlfriend34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Jalyn35: What was the reason for your last breakup? lmao. too many to count. essentially though, it was very one sided36: Were you single on Valentines Day? no but it sure felt like it.37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. my hair, the rest of me 38: What do your friends call you? gay39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? probably40: Have you ever cried over a text? yeah41: Where’s your last bruise located? my stomach42: What is it from? lmao my girlfriend (not hitting..)43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? usually anytime im at my house44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? my babyyy45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? not really idk 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? i always wear hats tbh. idk, safety thing47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? no i dont really follow trends? idk48: Do you make supper for your family? sometimes49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year? ughhhhh too many. maybe picking what college to go to50: Top 3 web-pages? maaan i dunno51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? me52: Does anything on your body hurt? my heart bc it’s been like five days since ive seen my baby..53: Are goodbyes hard for you? i always cry. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? coffee55: How is your hair? dead, but colorful56: What do you usually do first in the morning? text my gf57: Do you think two people can last forever? yes yes58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? lmao yeah59: Green or purple grapes? either or60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? tomorrow61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? yessss62: What did your father teach you? how not to do things63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? asleep64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. packing65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yeaaaah66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes!67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? i hugged my brother68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i wish i was home with jalyn69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? 3 years, yeah70: How many windows are open on your computer? two lmao71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first? ... savings bonds.. or a lifetime supply of mac for my baby72: What is your ringtone? parks and rec theme73: How old will you be in 5 months? still 18 lmao. almost 19 tho74: Where is your Mum right now? bed75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? because i learned i deserved more76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? no sadly77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? some78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? yeah lmao79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? yeah.80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yesss81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? 182: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? no not three days. ive been 900 miles away ugh83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? yes84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? no one bc i wouldnt do that85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yeah, i want her safe yaknow.86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? THE SEATS WERE LEATHER RECLINERS AND YOU PRESSED A BUTTONON THE SEAT AND A WAITER CAME AND TOOK YOUR ORDER AND BROUGHT YOU FOOD, MY BROTHER GOT A BURGER DUDE87: Who was your last received call from? the most beautiful girl lemme tell you88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? maaaan tbh when i was little i put caterpillers in fire ant hills and watched them get eaten alive so yeah probably as awful as that is89: What is something you wish you had more of? time with my girl..90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? yes.91: Do you sleep with your window open? when it’s nice92: Do you get along with girls? i guess i dunno93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? nope. cleared that up a bit ago. went shitty tho94: Does sex mean love? sex means different things for everyone, and that’s okay. For me, yes. I would only have sex with someone that i really loved95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? hell no. more like a dream come true96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? nope97: Did you sleep alone this week? some days98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yesss99: Do you believe in love at first sight? I dunno. Sure. maybe not for me, but if it works for other people, I’m glad theyve found love100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? probably my baby