#idk which is more draining though. idk im just a mess im so tired | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luvring · 2 years

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Im back aha ik its Christmas or whatever but a bitch doesnt sleep or whatever 🤨can i have felix hcs? Like younger felix??? I would bully him so much omg n he wouldn't make it easier for himself???? Hes a fucking nerd???? I want to kiss him n hug him but like,,,,,,, i would flick his forehead and shove him in a locker for fun im sorry i love him but have you seen him in the rime deathscene pic???? Why does he look like that LMAOOO id look at him n he'd cry n im shorter than him how funny is that. Okay now im just thinking about younger felix and how much fun it would be just to be around him i would lovingly make fun of him 🥴 his hair was so ugly im sorry 💀

— young felix hcs

note from nia: SHOVE HIM IN A LOCKER HLEPEFSZN i really did not see anything wrong w his hair but then i was like "is this because i am kind and good-willed or because every guy i know has terrible hair?" the answer is Yes.

but smh you're right it's the "friends bullying each other but only they get to bully each other" (same thing w rime but that's for another day)

calling him a nerd but then someone else laughs and you're just like what the fuck are you doing laughing

he's so easy to tease/bully like it's so easy

i don't even know what he'd do if you did push him into a locker. "oops what are you doing in there" "you are the bane of my existence" he'd probably be petty for a while tbf

one day he comes in more tired than usual and you prank him by asking if he studied for the test first period . the colour drains from his face

pairing up with him during labs and stuff and messing with him while he's just like please god no don't put that in the beaker do you want us to die

it was an academy i'm guessing they had uniforms and yet you still find a way to insult his outfit. "i'm wearing what everyone else wears." "you look dumb"

please. his hair. "why does your hair look like that" "i didn't do anything" "i think that's the problem, felix." he's so tired

someone else tries to make fun of his appearance and they're immediately knocked out. on the floor. gone. you and felix meeting up in detention like 🤝 my man

devs saying he was a talented know-it-all....easy ammo.

the kid who got all the questions right. the kid the teachers ask to answer when no one else is. the kid people treat like a pH test strip when they know an exam is coming because if he's struggling they are fucked

and he knows he's smart which makes it worse and he holds it over your head

"felix please" "i don't know the answer" "you finished the worksheet already" "maybe you should be smarter" "i'm going to kill you"

i hope everyone here is smart as hell because he'd be such an ass at tutoring . sorry. i know he's teaching mc magic and sure he's good but magic years after school is one thing,, 16 year old felix telling me how to deal with derivatives is another. he's the guy who's like "idk what to tell you it's just how it works" felix i am on the Verge Rn

it isn't even necessarily ill-willed he genuinely just doesn't know how to explain it differently. he tries his best for you

he's enough of a menace/idiot (affectionate) i don't think he'd tell the teacher if there was homework. both because he gets it and maybe also did not do the homework

he would argue if he thought he should have gotten a question right though. everyone is sitting there like for the love of god

multiple nights staying up with him studying and complaining about the academy/life

those nights probably made some of the best memories tbh. it's the intimacy of "trying to study" but you're tired and doing the silent laugh thing at the stupidest textbook images and things that happened that day. real

i don't know when he got into taxidermy but he still had weirder/darker interests without it

there's a specific balance when talking about his interests because like. 4lifers! but also,, i don't think his interests are something he likes being teased about too much because he'd get self-conscious . especially when it's coming from a trusted friend

watching him ramble and saying lol nerd but then asking a very specific question so he knows you're paying attention

anyway. he'd throw paper balls at your head to get your attention

can he smack you with magic. if he can he does. just smack him back

and the fact that him and rime were rivals to lovers during this. i hate them i hate them so much i'm sick

he studied harder just to beat him . why are you as a man competing with another man? so you can get his attention and kiss him? that's what i thought

he's terrible at hiding his feelings it's even easier to tease him about than his academics.

how am i supposed to be your friend when i come over and you're like "i hate that guy i need to beat him now." he's living in your head rent free, felix. "i do not like him i hate him" okay why are you thinking about kissing him, felix. loser. nerd.

making him realize his feelings. watching him pine after rime. oh no i accidentally pushed you into him oh nooo!! what do you mean you went to the library looking for me but found rime instead that's so silly felix when did i say i was going to be there!!

and i know he was/is a nerd but he also got expelled

you helping him with his pranks.. incredible bonding moment. partners in crime! he probably had notes jotted down of different pranks he could do and asks you for help

like where did he get two chimeras that one time pls

sneaking into escell's study and going to the library just to see what else he can find and use

everyone around you guys is so confused how he pulls off as much as he does, while not getting expelled (yet) and getting good grades

the professors coming to you to ask about him because they know you're his friend and you just. "i have no idea what you're talking about"

the headaches escell had to deal with when he was told about felix's antics LOL

he probably tells you his plans that get him expelled . happens one of the nights you're staying up and he's so full of it and tired of learning about etiquette and things he doesn't care about. really it's up to you if you want to take part but brother is done

helping him face his family after it...whew

#🛒nia.reqs #last legacy #last legacy headcanons #last legacy fictif #felix escellun #fictif felix #felix iskandar escellun #hes a loser #i love him #felix let me be ur friend

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its-deputy-caleb · 3 years

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I hope this isn’t too dumb, but could you write something where Micah has been feeling down for whatever reason so the reader gifts him some flowers and he’s completely taken aback/ embarrassed/ has funny tummy feelings? Female or gender neutral reader, up to you. Thanks! 🥰

never too dumb!! i loved writing this and im genuinely having the best time writing these requests they make me v happy :)

also at some point i ended up writing in like micah's POV? sorta? its a bit messy but yeah idk its just a big ball of fluffy mess. i hope u enjoy

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One thing you’ve learnt about Micah is that he’s not as good at hiding his emotions as he’d like to think he is. Most members to tend to care if he’s grumpier or happier than usual and generally tend to stay clear of him. But not you.

You were something of a close friend to Micah and you always noticed when his mood changed. Sometimes it was easy to spot when he started getting into more fights than usual with Pearson or Bill while other times you saw him draw away from everyone. Those nights when he was feeling sad, you saw him retreat to the outskirts of camp, pacing around for hours before settling against a tree to fiddle with his knife. It was a nervous tick he had to distract his racing thoughts.

It always broke your heart to see him like that and a lot of the time talking didn’t work. That’s why you decided you’d bring it upon yourself to get him a gift to cheer him up.

It’s one of those days again and Micah find’s himself retreating to the outskirts of camp again. Micah could never imagine himself running away from a gun fight but he finds himself trying to flee from the invading thoughts in his head. Of course this only makes Micah beat himself up further.

Leaves and sticks crush under the weight of his boots as he walks through the shrubbery, well away from camp. He takes a seat on a large log and goes to pull his knife from his pocket only to realise its not there.

He cursed to himself as he remembers leaving it wedge into the wooden table right in the middle of camp. He’d been practicing at five finger fillet and kept making errors from a mixture of his thoughts running at a million miles and a lack of sleep.

Out of frustration Micah had left the damn thing on the table as he stormed off with a ‘dammit’ under his breath.

He sighs and begins to pick at the small scab that’s now formed from when he nipped himself this morning in his practice. He’d be damned if he walked back through camp to go get his knife, there was no way he’d risk running into someone that might push his buttons.

Micah is left alone for hours with his own thoughts until he hears someone walking up behind him. He’s always on alert so he spins around instantly, ready to defend himself despite being uncharacteristically unarmed.

Micah can’t tell if he’s excited or not to see you. On one hand he’s absolutely head over heels for you and wants to spend as much time as he can with you. On the other he’s so terrified that you make his stomach flutter that he’s not sure if he can keep his composure after such an exhausting day.

His eyebrow raises when he sees you walk around the log to stand directly in front of him, your hands uncharacteristically stiff and held behind your back.

“I’ve got you something.”

Perking up, Micah can’t help but be a little excited, if not nervous since he rarely ever receives a gift.

“What is it?”

He sees you smile at him, the adoring one that makes his heart melt and leaves his chest feeling bubbly in a way he’s not used to at all. His face drops however, when he sees you shake your head.

“Close your eyes.”

Micah tenses at your words. He does not like to have his eyes closed, makes him feel too vulnerable and exposed. Its one of the reasons why he hates sleeping in front of others.

His breath hitches slightly when you lean down so you’re eye level with him, your noses almost touching.

“Do you trust me?”

He does, gosh he does. You’re one of the few people he’d trust blindly. You’ve been nothing but kind to him since day one and he’ll admit to himself that you’ve managed to make him feel loved.

Slipping his eyes closed, Micah lets out a soft huff of air and wills himself to try and calm his nerves, nodding slightly. He hears ruffling for a minute before you tell him he can open his eyes.

“You can open them now Micah”

He hears your sweet giggle which could literally cause his heart to stop beating as his eyes slowly open. There, in front of him is a bouquet of flowers in your hands. The colours are a beautiful mix of purples, reds and whites all of which are perfectly arranged together.

Micah, having never received a gift, little alone flowers goes bright red and stares at them dumbfounded.

“Whatcha got there?”

He’s still in a mild state of shock, not really understanding what or how to deal with the fact you’ve brought him flowers out of no where. He moves his head to look at you, feeling his blush get hotter as you playfully roll your eyes and smile down at him.

“They’re flowers Micah, they don’t necessarily sell them at the general store so I picked them myself. I wanted to do something for you though, cheer you up.”

Micah’s stomach is in flips but that doesn’t stop the smile from appearing on his face even though he tries to hide it.

“Micah, can I give you a hug?”

After a good five minutes of on internal debate Micah finally gives in and nods softly, too exhausted from a mentally draining day to do much more. He’s expecting you to just wrap an arm around him awkwardly. He’s not at all prepared for how gently rest in his lap, taking his head in your hands and bringing him forward to rest his head on your shoulder.

He’s tense but soon relaxes into your arms, his own come to wrap around your waist as your cheek rests atop of his head.

The next hour passes like that, your hand rubbing slow circles into his scalp as you gently whisper that he can always rely on you when he’s feeling down. Between each of your breaths you tilt your head to place a kiss into his slightly greasy hair, but you never really minded.

Eventually, the calming whispers come to an end when Micah speaks up.

“Thank you for the flowers, for everything. I- thank you.”

You smile adoringly down at him. You can tell he’s trying to express all that he means but you can see it just by the way his eyes light up when he looks at you.

“Common now, I bet you’re tired and don’t bother denying it.”

Micah instantly goes to protest about being tired but is cut off by his own yawn which is the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen. You walk hand in hand back to camp, happy to now that most of the camp members have gone to bed as Micah holds the flowers in the other.

Once you’re in your tent, Micah will wrap his arms around you and spoon you. His head is pressed into your neck as he holds you close and you both drift off to sleep.

As it turns out, Micah is a snorer.

#i love soft micah sm #soft rat 🥺🥺🥺#soft micah hours #micah bell #micah bell x reader #micah bell hc’s #micah bell imagine #rdr2 #rdr2 headcanons #rdr2 writing #red dead redemption fanfiction #red dead redemption

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faithinthefuture28 · 4 years

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Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship

**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”

I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:

2013

L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker).

H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily

H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song.

L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy. I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).

L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes

L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex

2014

L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back).

L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones

L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs

L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)

H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)

H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean).

2015

H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about).

L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)

H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do).

L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********

H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives.

H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together.

L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home.

2016-2017

H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you.

H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door, hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****

H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad

H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me

L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).

H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)

L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it

L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u

2018-2019

L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H

L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER

L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy

L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now

L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of

L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********

H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******

H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it

H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******

H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person?

H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)

H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28

H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her

H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)

H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”.

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dirtydobrik · 5 years

Text

last kiss - d.d.

plot: you and david are dating and you get a job in australia and have to leave for six months. you and david both don’t want to break up but the distance eventually becomes too much and you have to end things

requested: yes! omggg can u pls do an imagine based on the song last kiss by taylor swift and it’s just really angsty? i always imagine if David was to ever break up with someone again it would really destroy him bc of how hard his break up with Liza was, and he would be like crying holding you begging you to stay and work things out even though you both know it can’t work out for the time being, idk maybe y/n is moving countries and living really far like in Australia for work for six months or something

author’s note: hi! this piece is all over the place, im sorry. i didn’t have time to edit this, so sorry in advance if there are typos. this was requested anonymously so hopefully it was something similar to what you wanted.

if you want to send in a request for an imagine, send me a message! i am super behind on requests right now but i have a few pieces in progress that i am working on. i am hopefully back to posting daily as i am trying to get caught up.

word count: 1415

masterlist

"You're unbelievable. Absolutely fucking unbelievable!" David shouted, slamming the white ceramic plate he was holding against the counter top. But you didn't even flinch.

"I'm allowed to make my own decisions!" You shouted back. You could tell David was on the verge of tears.

"You can't just accept a job in Australia without even talking to me about it! We live together for God's sake. I should have had a say in this decision!" David was angry. He was angry that you kept it a secret for so long and he was angry that you were leaving.

"It's not your decision to make! My life doesn’t revolve around you!" You yelled, instantly regretting the harsh words you just said to your boyfriend. David felt his heart shatter with those words. "David, I didn't mean that," you spoke softly, but there was an emptiness in David's eyes and you knew he didn't want to hear your apologies.

“Your life shouldn't have to revolve around me for you to talk to me about a new job before agreeing to it."

"David, I'll only be gone for six months," you argued.

"I can't leave the fucking country!" David shouted, tears spilling out of his eyes now. The moonlight crept in through the kitchen window, illuminating his glossy red eyes.

"Dave," you sighed, your heart aching. "I'm sorry. I know I should've talked to you about this before I took the job. But I thought you'd be happy for me. I thought everything would be okay between us," you rambled, but David didn't want to fight anymore, so he just stopped talking. And he stopped listening to whatever bullshit you were saying to try to save yourself. But it was too late. David was done.

He grabbed a duffle bag from his closet and started throwing random items of clothes into it. He didn’t care what he had, he just needed to get out of the house. Grabbing his keys, David ignored the begging and pleading from you to stay and talk it out. He sprinted out to the garage, tossed his bag in the backseat, and broke down in tears in the driver's seat. David didn’t know where to go, knowing that anywhere he went, he would be easily found by you. You two had spent the last two years together, there was practically nothing you didn't know about him. David threw his cellphone onto the passenger seat, and started the car. He didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to get away.

David drove around aimlessly, just trying to clear his mind. He didn't know where to go or who to talk to. Everyone knew the two of you as this perfect couple and he couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that you made a life changing decision without even considering him or their relationship.

And it wasn't like you had taken a job in Chicago or New York or Boston or any other US city. Of course, he'd be mad if you had done that, but at least he'd be able to visit you. He couldn’t just book a flight to Australia and that's what hurt the most.

The sun was rising when David drove home. You were waiting up for him, desperately needing to talk. Sitting on the couch in one of his clickbait hoodie, you heard the front door swing open and immediately stood up to see David. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a mess. He looked tired and emotionless.

"Can we talk? Please?" you begged when he walked through the door. David sighed, but agreed, walking over to the couch and sitting next to you. "David, I'm so sorry. But it's only temporary. I'll be home before you know it and everything will be okay."

"We can't just put our relationship on hold for six months! And God, you know better than anyone that long distance relationships don't work out!" You froze. You couldn’t believe he was bringing up your past. "I mean, didn’t you say your move out to LA only temporary? You've been here for three fucking years. What's stopping you from moving to Australia forever?"

"You are!" you shouted.

"Oh, really? Is that the same thing your told your ex-boyfriend in New York before you moved out here? Look how that turned out," David scoffed and you felt sick to your stomach.

"Dave, what you and I have is nothing like what my ex and I had. I promise that I'll be coming back to you." You looked at David, your eyes soft. "Six months, tops," you promised, and David sighed.

"I don't want you to leave."

"I know, bub. But I need to take this, it's huge for career." David understood that, he just didn't think you'd ever have to leave him for work. As much as it hurt him, he wasn't ready to let go of you.

A few weeks later, all of your bags were packed and loaded into the trunk of David's Tesla. You had said your goodbyes to your friends last night, all of them promising to come out and visit you at some point, which only made David's heart ache more. He was trying to keep it together, but he knew that you two wouldn’t last, not with you being so far away and with him not being able to ever visit you.

The drive to the airport was filled with awkward silence and tension, both of you knowing what was coming but neither of you wanting to be the first to say it.

"Do you really have to go?" David asked, as you stood on the sidewalk outside the terminal. His eyes were watering and you quickly turned your head so he wouldn’t see your red eyes.

You swallowed and gave him a nod, knowing you wouldn’t be able to talk without breaking down.

"Please stay," he begged, his voice cracking as tears streamed down his face. Watching him cry made you cry. "I don't want to lose you."

"You aren’t losing me, Dave," you tried to reassure him, although neither of you were believing it. "Six months, tops. Remember?"

David choked out a sob and you instinctively wrapped your arms around his and rested your head on his chest. He begged you to stay and repeatedly said that things between you two would be okay. You weren't sure if he was trying to convince you or him, it was probably the both of you.

You gave him one last kiss before taking your bags and walking away.

Trying to do long distance lasted about three weeks before it was too hard. You two were putting too much pressure on your relationship and trying to maintain it that it was unhealthy for the both of you. It was your idea to officially end things. You called him up in the middle of the night, although it was the middle of the day for David, and said you should break up. You told him that you still loved him and that you always would, but that it was too hard. You told him that you'd thought about it a lot and that it was too hard and too draining.

David's heart shattered with that phone call. He should have been expecting it, but he didn’t think it would come so quickly.

Breakups were hard, and David wasn't handling it well. He had now lost another person he loved and absolutely destroyed him. He couldn’t believe you had really left and he was questioning every part of your relationship. He couldn’t understand why you'd leave if you loved him. He had pictured himself marrying you and now you were gone.

It crushed him to see the pictures you posted from Australia and to see your friends visiting and raving to him when they came back. He couldn’t even bring himself to talk to you himself, he'd have mutual friends tell him about you, just to let him know that you were okay.

He wondered if you missed him as much as he missed you. It hurt David like hell to know that you were able to leave him with a broken heart, especially after everything he had told you about his breakup with Liza. He wanted you to change your mind and come back to him, but that didn't happen.

He never thought you two would have a last kiss, and it left him heartbroken when he realized you did.

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saintvintage · 3 years

Text

idk y im posting this here but

i’ve had the night from hell. i had said my partner walked out on me yesterday morning. like, he literally walked out the front door with a trash bag containing some of his stuff. he’s a bad alcoholic with so much trauma it’d break your heart. i was angry. i’ve been trying to get him to stop drinking, it’s killing him. he’s got mental illness like you couldn’t believe. i just want him to get better. he drank all night and i caught him that morning, tried to de-escalate by locking myself in the bedroom. told him point blank “i won’t talk to you now. don’t drink anymore. sober up. i’ll talk to you when i wake up” it was about 6-7 am. i don’t sleep well. he had been up all night drinking. he wouldn’t leave me alone. knocked and knocked on the door. i refused to open it. he did this for so long, eventually asked me to let him in to get some clothes. with toothbrush in his mouth, he said he was gonna go to his therapist. it was sunday. i told him. i was angry. i threatened him to get out. he wouldn’t. he kept acting exasperated that i was upset and wanting him to leave me alone, like he hadn’t done anything. i couldn’t take it. i know i shouldn’t have, but i didn’t know what else to do. i grabbed his arm and pulled him hard to the door, then shoved him with all my might through. he had had enough then. called a good friend of ours to pick him up. friend was going to church, wouldn’t be there til the afternoon i figured. ugly fight in the kitchen. i went out back to cool off. eventually, after he told me he was gonna move out, i went and helped him get his things. i was fuming. i took our pictures down out of the bedroom, told him to take everything. i would be bagging it up anyway. he refused. after he had gone back downstairs with his stuff, i locked myself back in the bedroom. i thought he was going to wait to be picked up. i heard him go out the door, but i thought i heard a voice so i figured he left. no, he did leave, but he just took off walking down the road, down the busy roadway outside our neighborhood. i told my family this and they went out to look for him. wouldn’t tell me where he was. eventually i got him on the phone, telling him my family’s out looking for him, crying and telling him they were worried about him and they love him and he was so drunk he kept interrupting me telling me he was fine, like it was stupid for us all to worry. i heard our friend was with him, so i knew he was going over there now, that he was in a car and off the road on foot.

i was a mess, understandably. i tried to go out and not think about it. i got through the day alright, but that night was when the real horror started. our other friend, who is 1 friend’s gf, calls me to check on me. apparently she had been over there with them for a while and she told me all the terrible things were going on. he had been drinking hard liquor all day. friend 1 said later that he had probably drank $300 worth of liquor. i eventually got a call from him, and he told me he was going to kill himself. i texted her (friend 2) to tell her to tell her bf (friend 1) to go check on him because he was by himself outside. F1 did, and he hung up on me when it happened. in between the time i hung up and the time i took a call with F2 trying to get more info on what happened that day and generally see what was going on, my partner had gone into the kitchen and tried to slit his wrists. F1 and his brother drew guns on him to make him stopp. idk but it worked. they called the police who called the EMT. he refused to go to the ER (naturally) so it was up to me to go get him. which, the state my partner was in, it would’ve been a disaster. he had been talking shit about me all day, talking like that whenever he was drinking over there, had made the plans to move out already the last time we were there. he had been hitting on any female around (mostly F2 & F1′s bro’s gf) just.... it was a mess. i got my mother, a nurse, and my teenage brother who is a big kid, to go with me. it was horrifying when i got there. he was so drunk it was shocking. i had never seen him like this before. he was trying to get naked (which i also found out from last time we all hung out, i HAD done) the cops weren’t very helpful (shocker) they had been called twice and were gonna leave again if F1′s bro hadn’t said he’d just call back and have them sent out. they were supposed to escort us to the hospital but just drove off.

partner’s being belligerent, combative, but randomly would get calm. it took a long time, but F1 was able to coax him into the car. child lock on doors and windows. good thing. he tried to get out several times on the ride to the ER. it was going fine until about a couple minutes away he wigged out. it was a literal fight to keep him still. he tried punching the windows out, kicking them, eventually bashing his head into it (there’s blood on my from something and i hope it wasn’t that). he started clawing my brother, tried to knee him, pulled his hair, and i couldn’t help myself but hit him back, try to stop him, it was terrible. when he pulled up, it was three of us trying to subdue him. my mom ran in and asked for “hands” per instruction of F1 who’s in med, a skinny little nurse comes out with a wheelchair. it took me having to scream out help someone help get someone out here to have three men come out there and detain him. i think one of those men might’ve just been a patient or someone in the lobby. as soon as he was out of our grip, he calmed down. i went in with him and checked him in, and talked with everyone a long while about what happened. i’m trying to forgive the flirting and shit-talking because he was drinking. they said he broke his phone, his toothbrush, broke some of their stuff, was trying to fight F1 and his brother, hit on F1′s bro’s gf, did smth to F2 that was inappropriate. it was a nightmare. i called the hospital this morning, and all they could say was he was okay, he was asleep.

we didn’t leave that hospital until about 4 AM. i feel like i’m in a soap opera. i feel drained. it was awful, seeing him so drunk he couldn’t even talk straight. he glared at me. he mocked me. the hatred he had for me then was terrifying. i’m no saint. our relationship is far from perfect. but i didn’t think he had that much hatred for me in his heart. i think i’m a hypocrite for saying that, because i’ve said nasty things to him that i shouldn’t have. i feel partially responsible. i feel like i’ve failed him somehow. everyone kept telling me to stop apologizing and i wasn’t to blame, but that doesn’t feel true to me. i hate what happened. i hate that i couldn’t help him myself. i hate that i’ve been so mean to him in the past. i know, in essence, this anger and hatred isn’t for me, it’s for the abuse he suffered, but it’s still a painful thing to experience. i’m not mad at him, i’m so pitifully drained and tired and sorrowful i don’t even know who i am.

now i’m just waiting for him to wake up and call me. i hope he does. part of me is afraid he won’t even want to talk or have me visit. he’s going to have to go in-patient somewhere. i’ve been trying for about 4 years to get a handle on this, to stop the drinking, get him to therapy, research ways to help him. i should’ve been kinder. i shouldn’t have let my anger explode out of me like that. i’m ashamed to learn of what i did last time we were over there on his bday. what a disaster set of friends we are. i’ve got to learn how to make the both of us healthy. i’ve got to figure out how to get us as independent, healthy-minded people. i’ve got to help him get to where he can fortify himself and heal. i’ve talked myself blue in the face about how his past still haunts him and how he lives in this agony everyday and how he HAS TO process his troubles before he can move on. there’s been such little effort on his part. he blamed me for trying to stop him from drinking, at least that’s what they said he was saying about me. i nagged him. i just am gonna need a distraction and support and i don’t even know what i’m going to say when he calls. i won’t tell him what happened yet. i know for a fact he won’t remember it, and he’ll wake up in the hospital not even knowing how he got there. this is just so sick to me. but i have to help him. if i don’t, no one else will be able to. i’m just so grateful for our friends and my family helping out. if it wasn’t for them, i have no idea what would’ve happened. it wouldn’t been horrible, though.

#long vent post #i just needed to get this off my chest #process what's happened #i feel numb and confused

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survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

Text

Ep. 8: “The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers.” - Najwah

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/OSh0mvYBSwo

James Hayden

We just got back from tribal and Ryan was blindsided 3-1. I feel bad for the guy because he had no idea this was going to happen, but that' Survivor for you. I thought there'd be a merge at 13, but Jay's questions at tribal put some doubt in my mind. If it's not a merge, then I think I'm an ok spot if my tribe has to go back to tribal. I'm just praying to the Survivor ORG gods for a merge today or tomorrow.

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/sg4qe6MUjJU

James Hayden

https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY

Zack M

i don't know how they did it but let's take a moment to shout out james and najwah making it through tribal! no idol needed. im so proud of them. i feel like james will gladly come back to our original alliance once we merge but najwah's commentary always leaves me feeling uneasy. no offense but like do you want to play with anyone, najwah? lol. you have to somewhat trust someone at some point in this game. i would love to work with najwah for as long as possible if she is still around after the merge but unfortunately all of the comments that have been made throughout the game will keep me from promising her anything longterm out of fear that she will run around like a crazy person at merge. also, i believe that she will be the first person to mention my name from hanuha in hopes of it becoming a big move that she could put on her resume. maola doesn't know me yet. i guess they could see me as a threat because of being picked as a captain but like i don't consider maddison a threat. lol. pedro and kalle seem to want revenge. i think it would be fun to get her out first at merge. i'm just rambling now. i'm hungry. we got the new challenge. it's some mini online games or something like that. idk. i'm not a gamer so i was like i have therapy and can't do this bye. i wonder if they think i'm making up my therapy sometimes but like if you guys have ever questioned it i promise i'm not. i have it monday, wednesday, and fridays lol. anyways, cody pedro and kalle are playing. i really only trust me and ben so like fml. hopefully pedro and kalle understand that they are playing for their lives and we win again. fingers crossed. ok i'm going to get chicken tenders. bye.

James Hayden

Things post tribal did not go according to plan. I would've put money on us merging tonight, but instead we have another tribe challenge. There's a small part of me that thinks Edge of Extinction is play in this season. After this challenge, we will be down to 12 people and seasons post 30 that have a 20 person cast merge at 13. I think there's a chance we do merge at 13, but the 13th person is the Edge returnee.

As far as this challenge is concerned, video games aren't my strong point. I'm not a gamer, but these games are pretty straight forward. If we have to go back to tribal I'm voting Amy. Voting out Najwah would hurt my game because it would show the rest of Hanuha that I'm not #Hanuhastrong and it would tie us back up at 6 original Hanuha and 6 original Maola. Voting out Amy gives us a 7-5 advantage heading into a potential merge, shows I'm #Hanuhastrong, and weakens Maddison who I think was the ringleader of Maola 1.0.

Najwah

Last night's tribal was interesting and actually the hardest tribal council. Ryan started a group with James and I 7 minutes after Palena was formed which already made us weary of him. He then tried to blindside me and made me believe he's blindsiding Amy and asked me about James and his previous alliance and it was just a mess. He's an awesome person and great team player but it was just too much scrambling and we all feared he'd flip flop throughout the game, which is dangerous. I'm trying not to use this space as therapy sessions lmao so I'll keep it short. Uhm, I think i have a good thing going with Amy and James. I just really hope we win this challenge, or rather, don't come last so that I can work with them going forward. Amy let me know she has a steal a vote and I told her about my fake idol and we'd like to work together. I really like these two people. A LOT. I lied in tribal when I said I didn't want to keep things Hanúha strong going forward. I can't believe I have to lie and blindside now lmao its becoming HECTIC. I'm really hoping we did enough to at least place second in this challenge. 🤞🏽🤞🏽

Olivia A

I’m doing so bad at all of these games rn and I feel so bad bc I asked specifically to not sit out of this challenge. I play little phone games and stuff literally all the time and am really good at them and for some reason am just doing so so bad today. If we lose then it’s probably my fault but also my alliance of 3 is really solid rn so I’m not actually worried about getting voted off. I still feel so bad I hate this so much.

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/8QZTwYzVqVI

Pedro A

if tomorrow is the merge IMMM GONNA DIEEEEE...we won once again..cause we the baddest.....honestly how am i still alive?...LIKE HOW??....chilllleeee

Olivia A.

Okay woah I’m so happy about this win I was so nervous. I feel like we’re in a really good place going into the merge I’m excited :)

Pedro A

i was about to write my pled for help to the 3 hanuha original members..so they could keep me over kalle...but now who cares...i will throw anyone hunder the bus ....to get to that final

Cody A.

Coming into this game being the competitor that I am, I never imagined even entertaining the idea of throwing a challenge.... BUT when Ben came to me with the idea of making a big move on Zack, I’d be lying If I said I didn’t think about it.. That being said however, I didn’t throw it, but I also did not try as hard as I could have.... I’m very surprised we are not talking to Jay at tribal right now.. Moving forward though, we need Zack.. I need Zack.. If we are merging tonight it is strictly a numbers game from here. I am ready to get my hands dirty, make big moves, and WIN THIS DAMN GAME!!!

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXbaQPdhQw0&feature=youtu.be

Najwah

After that whole challenge experience and this entire week, I don't even know what to say. It's been a tiring experience. Being on a tribe where no one really connects is the worst. I tried telling James that the other tribes were highly competitive but for some reason he was okay with his scores? This entire week I've barely had any sleep. Even now, it's almost 5am and people are just on our tribe, OKAY with low scores? We were doomed from the beginning. The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers. Honestly, it messes with you psychologically too. I'm tired of scrambling and relying on tribemates to make an effort. I wanted to work with Amy but she's so difficult to get hold of/unresponsive even though we are on similar timezones. James is hellbent on keeping it Hanúha strong and really, hope he isn't playing me. My heart honestly cannot deal any betrayal so close to merge, I'd also like to just enjoy my Saturday. I deserve to be on the merge tribe. Will most likely be at the bottom ass of the tribe but I want to be in it, nonetheless. I worked for it. And right now, I'm exhausted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Fucking mad. This tribe swap has honestly been DRAINING. Everyone is too nice and meek and people just don't care about winning lol. I hate the anxiety and sleeplessness of these past few days. I forgot what life was like before this ORG lol what did I do? I miss Leanne, still. The best person in this game. I hate it here. I just want to get to merge and be able to breathe again.

Sarah

Ahhhhh I can’t believe our tribe, Maola, won the challenge by so much. I legit thought we were going to lose and didn’t have high enough scores. Aimee freaking killed it on her scores, wow. I have been telling Aimee how to buy the small perfume bottles that give you advantages and where to get coins to buy them. She used FIVE on that challenge yesterday (I wouldn’t have used all five butttt). Part of my strategy during this tribe swap has been buying/playing advantages so we don’t have to go to tribal because I still don’t know who is close to who, and the more I’m with this tribe the more I feel like they really just don’t talk to each other and there’s not much gameplay happening. Part of my strategy with convincing Aimee to buy and use advantages was also so I know how many coins she has because that can come in handy at Merge. I also wanted to give her information about the idol hunt (which I got from others— I’ve never actually idol hunted not knowing where or what I was getting) so she could trust me. I FREAKING hope tomorrow is the Merge! How awesome would it be for our original tribe to have the majority and for me to still have an idol. I feel like after this tribe swap, Cody and I will be in the best position in the game when it comes to all of our connections with people. We have our group with Zack and Ben, I feel close with James and now Aimee, and Cody feels close with Najwah. So we really are kind of in the middle and as long as people don’t find out about how close we are, we can just get all the information from others and share with each other. I guess I won’t stop posting a brick.... sorry.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjWjJwew7rc

Zack M

welp. i think this is it. could we finally be merging tonight after tribal? or are we swapping to two tribes of 6? that would be super lame. all i know is something is happening and i'm glad because i've been so bored in this tribe. we keep winning. there's no reason to play. i need action. the third tribe that starts with a p is going to tribal again. i don't remember the name. hopefully james and najwah stay hanuha strong so we can go into the merge 7 / 5. if najwah turns she will be my #1 target. she's too dangerous for my game to allow her to run around. other than that ... we came in second during the last competition. we were so lucky. the maola tribe killed it. i wish i would have played because our teams scores were low key pathetic. the p tribe could have beat us if all their players had participated. like is kalle even playing the game? is she here? i talked to her once. i know i should reach out in case it is the merge but it almost feels pointless. i'm sure she will run back to the 3 girls in maola. pedro seems to legit want revenge for john and is open to work together. i hope he isn't lying because i truly do want to take him as far as i can. look, i know i'm talking kind of cocky but i believe in acting in the way you want things to go. i'll be a clown if i'm blindsided. i don't mind. i like clowns. however, this is the way i see it going down in my head ... - we stay hanuha strong - we get out the 3 girls from maola - we get out kalle - we take out aimee and kalle - we take out pedro and james - we then take out sarah - then we have ben cody and i at finale 3 just how we planned it it could honestly work. we just have to figure out idols and make sure no one plays them correctly. and that's where i'm at right now. wish me luck.

Aimee

http://rebloggy.com/post/gif-pokemon-cute-anime-kawaii-charmander-s01e01/106470386286 Happy dance! I’m all for keeping this tribe together. Haha I may have gone a little over board on making sure I did my best on the flash games, but you really never know what the other tribe is going to be doing or getting on these challenges. I hope this doesn’t make me look like a challenge threat if I make it to merge. Sarah has really helped me with idol hunting and finding coins and where to find the advantages. This is great trust building! Thanks Hanuha for the free coins I yoinked from one of your bags at your camp.😏 After everything that happened in the last tribe and despite me voting for her, Sarah and I have really come a long way! I truly had the wrong read on her before. She is actually now someone I am very close with and get along well! Last night after we won immunity she told me she really wants to work with me moving forward in the game! Let’s do it girl! I really enjoy talking to Grae. They seem really genuine and such a kind-hearted person. They keep giving me little messages that seem to hint at wanting to work together. I think at this point it’s unspoken but we both know we would love to. We just get along so well. I also vibe really well with Maddison and I know she could be a very good ally in the future in this game. Olivia proved she is a total team player on this tribe and listened to our advice during the immunity challenge and really stepped up her scores! I am having such a much better time on this tribe and am really enjoying myself. These relationships feel WAY more organic. I will do what I can to help keep this going! I would love to see all of us make it to merge. I’m also so so happy Najwah is still in the game after her last tribal and hopes she makes it through the next tribal!

James Hayden

We are 45 minutes away from tribal and Najwah messaged me saying Amy is ok. We were worried about her because she's been MIA over the past couple days. Per Najwah, Amy will not play her vote steal. It sounds like Amy wants out of the game and if this is what she wants, I will oblige. There's a small part of me that thinks Amy is playing us, but I don't think that's the case.

Maddison

Everyone is expecting a merge tonight, and original Maola is down in numbers. Hoping I can find cracks and worm my way in.

Pedro A

SO i told everything to zack......he seems to rule that allience....so he will 100% tell the others....and will try to take grae and maddison out...

Pedro A

Grae and Maddison just create fake alliences.so people dont write their name down....and make people feel safe... AND im here to make justice for john PERIODTTTT.... #justiceforjohn

Ben Kessler

I hope we are merging. Pedro is out for revenge against his former alliance. Zack is a threat and I need it to be known. Cody and I are hopefully solidified. If we merge, grae and maddison are apparently big threats according to Pedro. So that is fine with me. Just gotta keep making sure the people I'm closest with stay in.

Kalle N

hey I'm super high rn and I don't remember if I did this already or not so her I go. I hope we merge soon so I can vote people out that have wronged me. can't believe we won the last challenge even after I did basically nothing. ok gtg ily bye

Amy A

So this round has been tough. My Internet issues were definitely the reason my tribe lost and I wanted to quit cos I felt so terrible but I think Najwah and I can do something with my steal a vote. I’ll steal hers and vote James so no one will suspect we’re working together and then go into the merge with our little secret alliance. Bliss

Olivia A

I’m excited for merge but not sure if we’ll able to get numbers together and have a majority.

Najwah

All I know is that shit is going to hit the fan at this tribal and I'm scared as hell. Only three of us. You'd think it would be easier but it's terrifying.

Cody A

https://youtu.be/QM4CiTbrjgw

Pedro A

im scared of the merge...scared of the girls allience...scared of me being a target...for being a wild card ...and scared of maddison and graeee.....kill me at this point

#episodes

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bigbrothernetflix-st · 4 years

Text

EPISODE SEVEN

“I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING.” - joey

HOH: Nathan UPSIDE DOWN: Emma NOMINEES: Jev & Kiki POV: Joshua FINAL NOMINEES: Josh C & Kiki EVICTED: Josh C (6-0)

ARIA

So,,,i highkey fucked up but all good things come to an end, I couldn't play the middle forever but the way it ended was just a little earlier than i expected. Also i handled the backlash of the dpov HORRIBLY! I did so many things wrong this week its insane even though i was on all day calling people i still fucked up,,,but its fine nothing i can really do to change that. But from here i want to fix things and do better, which does start with addressing where I fucked up so lets start with that woot woot (also holy shit that double was so draining this is the first time ive felt legitimately tired in a while and its only 1 am)

1. COMP FLOPS

-literally all my allies flopped on the comps when we REALLY needed to win and its even worse combined with the information I was told where people told me they were throwing just to do well instead- its clear they weren't being honest with me and I settled into their lies without an ounce of hesitation

2. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE

I just really settled certain things poorly leading up to this night, i think somewhere i majorly fucked up is with emma, if i was able to get her to vote out nick or get jacob to dpov someone she would vote out i would be in a much better position atm but i didn't and therefore ive exposed myself. And if i was able to receive knowledge of her rose gold dpov before hand i couldve worked out a new plan that way

3. DAMAGE CONTROL

This is where i **truly** fucked up and its gonna show in my jury management too, like theres NO way i could ever get nicks vote at this point in time. Also my gut instinct after the vote was to lie about the way i voted to kiki/joshua/nick/jev when i shouldve came clean and used a bullshit excuse about how i heard nick was after me or something. It's gonna damage my relationships with all of them

SO wabam here i am slightly fucked due to me being a mess but its okay!! I'm still in the game and while im not in as good as a position as I was last time im still certain i can get back into everyones good graces!! And i mean this vote did reveal that a lot of people consider me to be in a duo with them??? which um is kinda weird HBFSHDF Like joey and emma were both calling us duo of the season and i was like....k cute cool totally called that and knew we were a duo yup yup- FBHJDSBF LMAO but i mean in terms of my own position you have the two trios (jacob/bri/nathan and jev/kiki/joshua) who are going to go after each other with Josh C and Emma leaning toward jev/kiki/joshua while me and joey lean towards jacob/bri/nathan. Its crazy that its literally f10 and its five versus five with hardly any true middle player (for now wink wonk)

But now that nick is out I need to think about whats next and whats my next big move. I think rn im involved with a lot of moves but im not the face of them (bri using pov on nathan, jacob dpoving bri) and such but if i want to win I have to make a move of my own and DEF need to work on jury management bc again nick is gonna hate my guts after reading my gbm,,,as yousef would say "oopsie whoopsie" so I think from here I need to get back in jev/kiki/joshua's good graces SOME how and im really tempted to come clean about my vote bc i think thats going to hurt me in the long run and theres literally already an alliance of all five of that side so like....whats the point of sewing mistrust but also, i do kinda want to try just being a dirty crime snake this game and seeing how much control I truly have on this game. Literally EVERYONE except those three knows my true vote and i've told them all to keep it to themselves so we'll see what happens,,,, im kinda tempted to pin the vote on emma just for funsies and tell them that "jacob told me hes close to emma" or some bs like that but also,,,thats kinda mean yknow? Its also a testament to test how much that trio trusts me which im GUESSING is less than emma but who knows maybe ill get lucky :DD

Anyways in terms of moving on I really need someone who actually likes me to join jury so its not completely set against me the whole time but also im not sure how thats gonna go down ugh. I mean in terms of end game my options are starting to become limited because nathan/bri/jacob would all BODY me at the end bc at this point they've been the face of big moves and I hope my big move can be turning on one of them and getting them out at some point so when i really start to look at a realistic f2 I can win,,, im kinda leaning toward my new duos of emma or joey which is kinda a shocker to me too lemme tell u HFBSDF but joey's perception of the game seems,,,,messy and I think i can beat him while emma is def doing better but she hasnt snapped yet so i think i can maybe beat her. And then jev/joshua/kiki depends im not sure yet but the thing with them is none of them are gonna want to bring me to the end which is super frustrating (i mean i did just snake em so,,,maybe its deserved)

The thing is that I like being honest about my vote so trying to have an honest game convo with any of those three is gonna be really hard,,,,esp considering they were all my targets for live night but here we are :') And i really dont know what to do at this point which is really annoyinggg (annoying @ myself theyre all lovely) I think im gonna have to wait a bit before i can try getting them all to fully trust me rn i dont know this has been such a mess but im doing my best!! Before i end this probably poorly aging paragraph its trust ranking time

1.myself (FUCK, and i cant stress this enough, EVERYONE)

HUGE GAP

2.Brianna (shes slowly becoming more stuck in jacob's trap but i do still think shes loyal to me, god IS a woman!!!)

3.Jacob (hate having this man so high bc hes bodying this game but he tells me a lot ig :/ )

ANOTHER GAP

4. Nathan (we need to call and discuss live night but he isnt going to like nominate me or anything)

5.Joey (apparently we're a f2?? not sure where that happened but also hes cagey idk)

-smol gap-

6.Josh C (told me his alliance!! shame he doesnt know im gonna rat him out to my side teehee)

7.Emma (we're also a duo?? almost forgot about that but i fucked her over here a bit but i can build the trust back up i THINK)

anothe gap

8.Jev (he talked to me after live night and didnt ask about my vote so thats cute....not sure where we stand...help)

9.Kiki (we talked briefly after the vote but idk if they realized im a snake yet)

10.Joshua (the silence is deafening)

Not happy w/ my position yet and im likely to just come clean to joshua in a call tmrow because hes honestly really sweet and his friendship means a lot to me but i need to figure out how I leave me connection with jacob/bri out of it.. ill think of something

praying im not the most hated here but if i am it wouldnt be the first time ig, and thats on pewiod <3

JOEY

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING. Not a damn soul is coming after me, and more importantly, I have numbers on my side, and no one’s gonna be pissed off at me on BOTH sides of the house. People say Josh C is playing both sides? Nah, it’s me. I need him out because I’m trying to ride that middle man status. My ideal plan is to see Emma go home next week, so that way I ain’t responsible. I want to get rid of Jacob at Final 7, and I will damn sure make that happen. Aria and I have a Final 2 that I plan on sticking to. Seeing Nick go was sad, but good lord it was I-C-O-N-I-C.

EMMA

Everything in this game lately has honestly pissed me off first it was me getting blindsided during live night even though i didnt really want to vote nathan if i was being honest i wanted brianna out over nathan because i thought nathan would be more easier to work with them boom Dpov and boom nick going i am like a little unsure if i regret using the dpov or not i do regret it well because nathan won hoh and sent me to the upside down and nick probably wouldnt try super hard for hoh but then again it seemed my so called allies were probably more closer to nick but i am not even sure my so called low confidence is my weakness in my games but i dont know how to be more confident pretty sure everyone beats me in the end at this point unless if i win an hoh if i do at this point Jacob/Brianna/even nathan getting nominated i didnt want nathan out before like if i won hoh i would of put him to the upside straight up nominate brianna and jacob if one of them goes off the block joey gets put up as a pawn after the upside down week im gonna do whatever to make it to the end idc if i go to the end with somebody i cant beat i just want to make this game enjoyable for me as i can i dont want to float for awhile then bring a goat to the end NNN

EMMA

my shit list in order to who i target to who isnt on my rader

Jacob > Nathan > Brianna > Joshua = Aria > Jev > Kiki/Josh C > Joey

who i like most to who is most annoying to play on a game level (i dont really hate or dislike anyone on a personal level)

Aria > Jev > Joshua *tiny gap* Nathan > Kiki/Josh C >>>>>>>>>>> Jacob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Joey = brianna also joey would be higher but he lied to me for no reason even tho i didnt mind putting alot of trust in me and i love brianna on a personal level but girl i am not good socially with her which is my fault and her fault also jacob kinda assumed stuff about me like not big stuff like meta but he still told other people except me (people who are out who i love) Gina/Jakey > Saira=Nick=Monty=Mo *small gap* Nash >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> dog shit > Taylers dinner (dylan and the og homies know it) >>>>>>>>>>>> DEM

but yeah this game has made me happy because everyone is nice except dem but its been hard to play it because if i felt better i think i would of been playing a 100x times better game

JEV

So I'm safe but it comes at the cost of one of my two favourite people in this game. I've arguably grown closest to Josh C throughout this game, but I promised Joshua that if he saved me with veto I'd vote however he wanted and he wants Josh C to leave over Kiki. This week is me and Nash as final noms levels of ugly.

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szNaW65lCJ0&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=8&t=0s

#bbnetflix st

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smallpoem · 7 years

Text

ramble: being nonbinary, mental health, university, moving out, life

very long personal ramble under the cut so feel free to ignore

these weeks right now are the last real free weeks of my life and yet i feel like there is so much on my plate my head is constantly full of worries and things i need to do and things i need to remember i can hardly breathe my depression and anxiety are really bad and i spend most days doing nothing, just trying to distract myself and get through the day, and every night my insomnia keeps me awake until 4 am i feel more uncomfortable and trapped and unhappy in my body every day, i came close to just chopping my hair off with a pair of crafting scissors several times i do really want to get it cut but im terrified of hair dressers, i hate them, and my mum has been pressuring me to get my hair cut for years, so now i feel like it wouldn’t be my own decision even if it is, i feel manipulated, it would feel like giving up, and i hate that, but i need to get it cut or im going to have a breakdown dysphoria, anxiety, depression are a constant state for me and im so exhausted, im so tired, i can’t do this anymore i hate my birth name, it’s like a slap to my face whenever anyone calls me that, and yet im terrified of coming out (“hello im nonbinary and my name is kieran, kier for short, please call me that” why is that so hard?) i really, really need a binder but i can’t figure out which size is right for me and anxiety won’t let me ask for help im isolating myself in my room and i hate it but i can’t handle being around people (like my mum who i live with), i feel trapped in my own home, i barely eat bc my anxiety is so bad i can’t leave my room i need to get out of here, i need my own space i want to move out and i did finally tell my mum about it and although she said she was hurt at first (which ?? why does everything i do hurt you mum im trying to take care of myself and get better, you always tell me to talk to you and to speak my mind and that it’s okay to be upset, but when i do you’re hurt and make me feel guilty, why?!), she is supportive of me now and she even started making plans for how she’s going to use my room when i don’t live in it anymore, which is good i think it helps that i want to stay in the same house, just get my own little flat here, i think that really helps her, but tbh it worries me i do want to stay here not for her but bc i love this place, i have lived here for 14 years and i love it and it’s my home, but im scared that im still gonna feel trapped by my mum’s presence and that she’s not going to be able to stay out of my business that sounds harsh but i just, she’s so incredibly overprotective, she does everything for me to the point that im scared to try and do something by myself bc it could hurt her feelings, and then she turns around and complains about how dependent i am on her, but when i try to be independent she makes me feel guilty for that too i need to get away from that so really what’s keeping me going, my silver lining, is the thought that im going to move into my own space in the near future, near being relative bc it’s probably still going to take almost a year (how will i survive like this for that long?) but that also brings more worries with it, mostly money related im obviously going to have to get a job to pay rent and provide for myself, which is not going to be easy as a mentally ill university student what kind of job am i going to get, how much will i have to work, how much will i earn, how much will it drain me? how, how will i get through the job interviews with my anxiety as it is? will i be able to afford keeping any of my hobbies or will i have to stop collecting albums, stop going to cons and concerts, stop dancing? regarding concerts, there’s another thing that stresses me out we’ve been planning to go to korea to see shinee early next year before they start enlisting, and while i really want to go, i also really don’t have the money and im scared i won’t be able to save enough in time, and i feel like no one is taking me seriously about this i don’t want to be indebted to my friends and i don’t want to ruin their plans and i don’t want to be left behind either and i feel guilty every time i spend money bc the concert is hanging over my head like a dark cloud that’s getting heavier with every cent i spend but i also know myself and i know that not treating myself to anything would make me really unhappy as shitty and materialistic as this may sound, buying albums, guild wars gems, and going to concerts makes me happy, and often it’s the only happy thing i have in a whole month there’s another event a friend and i are planning to attend, a book fair, which was my idea and i really want to go but i still haven’t gotten my shit together and bought tickets or planned how we’ll get there etc bc i feel so bad about spending that money and i feel like a hypocrite bc i bought a dvd and the guild wars expansion but those are easier bc i don’t have to plan anything what paralyses me about the book fair isn’t the tickets themselves, it’s the additional costs for transport and possibly a hostel, that’s so much money it just looms over my head terrifying me of spending it even though i’ll have to and don’t get me wrong i love my friends but one of them earns significantly more money than i do and still encourages me to spend mine, brushing off every time i mention being worried, and i fall for it too, i listen to them and spend the money and then feel horrible about it, why am i like this then university itself - on the one hand i am so happy and excited to start, on the other hand im terrified i don’t know how to handle my gender situation there - i know i can’t bear being called by my birth name, but i don’t know how to deal with that - should i send an email to every professor before the semester starts, which is terrifying and almost impossible bc again, anxiety or should i just say that i prefer kieran or kier over my birth name without an explanation? that way i wouldn’t have to come out but it’d also mean being gendered female which will not help my dysphoria either there’s an lgbt+ student group that i want to join but im terrified of that too, i want to go so bad but i’ll have to do that alone and that’s so hard it’s so hard idk how i’ll manage to do it im also just terrified of the future in general bc i have no idea what the f im doing with my life i will study korean language, culture, and history which is awesome, and i do know that i love language and translating, but i have no clue how and where i’d want to work, and i also don’t know if it’s gonna be enough if that makes sense? i really love translating but if there’s one thing i love more it’s creating, and im scared im going to be unhappy just translating other people’s creative work without directly being part of a creation process myself but i also know im not good enough at art or writing or graphic design im not good enough at anything there are so many things that i love and that im decent at but im not really good at anything and it’s so frustrating im so scared of the future and of failure and of making myself unhappy, i wish i had one thing i was good at and loved and knew i wanted to do so i could have a plan but im just swimming in a river of uncertainty and it’s terrifying everything is terrifying and im so tired of constantly being scared another thing that worries and stresses me out is my body and the constant pain im in my knees have been hurting for years but it’s all my joints now and all the doctor ever tells me is “you need to work out more” but it hurts then im also planning to go to a gynecologist bc i can’t handle the cramps anymore it hurts so much i just want to cry thinking about it and i can’t take it anymore for the longest time i have hated the thought of birth control bc i don’t want to mess with my body but at this point i’d do almost anything to make the pain stop and im hoping that birth control will help my skin too bc i hate my skin i hate it so much i wish no one would ever look at me bc i feel so ugly and disgusting and if i cut my hair off i’ll have nothing to hide behind and i don’t think i can handle that i just want to feel okay in my body and not constantly be in pain but doctors appointments are so scary and exhausting and everything is too much there’s more but i lost track of what i was going to say and tbh if i wrote down all of my worries this would never end im just. so tired and scared and tired of being scared

#me #ramble #personal

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hannahvsana · 7 years

Text

Some thoughts

It's like 11pm and I'm hella tired but I've been trying to think of reasons why this is happening and just observing my thoughts towards everything. -I'm really stressed with school, I'm failing biology badly, and when I'm stressed it opens the door for a multitude of bad thoughts. -I feel pathetic and frustrated that my victories are becoming smaller and smaller. Which is discouraging and makes me wonder what's the point in trying. It also becomes a cycle because the feelings of weakness get worse with each meal and each anxiety-inducing situation, which spirals until a snap every week or so. -I think I starting going downhill around November time; I restricted for the first time in a long time (I can't remember the trigger), which carried on till my sugars dropped really low and my mum was thinking about calling an ambulance. -The habits crept in slowly, and I thought it could handle it (in a fighting way at some points, but looking back I think it was in a quasi way, maintaining habits thinking that I'm in control). By the time I realised what was happening, it was too much to handle, exacerbating the situation. -The more the habits creep in, the harder it is to try and keep it all under control, which mixed with school, is very stressful. Then the more drained I am, the weaker my fighting gets. And the weaker it gets, the stronger the voice and the urges. The actual 'me' knows that the voice isn't real, but it's so convincing and tempting to let the habits carry on; I hate to say it but I feel so much more secure with it. Then even typing this, I realise how fucked up that is, again increasing the frustration. -Which leads me to think, am I even trying at all anymore? I'm eating when I really want to stop so I must be, and even typing this I'm being yelled at to stop, to keep quiet and let it be. But I feel like I subconsciously let myself slip because I feel safer like this. -I've lost a lot over the last month, I don't post numbers, but now I'm scared to gain again. I hate my body now so what will it be like when I'm WR again. -Last year I was weight restored, I've done it once, so again it's frustrating that I can't handle doing what i used to be able to. Im also frustrated that 2years into recovery im now being threatened with IP, i feel like I've let my therapist down, and my family and friends. -If i was to go IP, which hopefully won't be the case, they'll all be smaller than me. It's not that I'm too thin, it's the fact I've nosedived in recovery so fast that is worrying my therapist (and me). So I don't think I'd be able to handle that very well. -My therapist is trusting me this week to stick to my meal plan before my weigh in in the 10th. But I feel like I can't trust myself; my willpower is so low now that I don't think I can stick to my plan without breaking down or cheating on it. I know it's technically my choice to cheat or not, which makes me hate myself for it even more, but I'm feeling so drained at the moment that I'm not thinking clearly. -I feel like my ed habits and perfectionism are manifesting themselves in my everyday life. Yesterday in my art lesson my tutor sat down and told me that my work production is decreasing because I'm become fixated on making my pages look perfect. I never noticed it before she told me to stop obsessing (she was kind about it) but it makes me panic that my personality is changing again. Thinking about it this has been happening quite a lot. If my room is messing, it instantly drops my mood, and I plan my weekends in lists so that it's structured otherwise I feel useless by the end of the day. Ive always been a perfectionist, but taking a step back and looking at the situation, I get so stressed about small things I didn't use to. -I'm feeling really out of it, like I'm sort of floating through the day. I half-napped through 2 lessons today and I didn't talk to many people. I was meant to meet my mum's new boyfriend earlier, which I kinda did, but I couldn't stay downstairs and I'm scared that he thinks I'm really rude. Likewise, I'm scared that my mum has told his everything. I love her, but she almost uses my personal life as a conversation starter or a sob story. She got in touch with an old friend recently and said friend keeps telling me she's always there to talk. Meaning that my mum has told her. -I basically feel rather useless. Although I was so much worse physically at the start of my recovery, I felt like I could fight and get better. Now, I feel like I can't and I'm genuinely scared of losing control. I feel like I'm (and I hate to use the phrase because it's really hypocritical) not sick enough for all this worry. Many of my healthy friends are smaller than me anyway, and it's my fault for letting my recovery slack to a point where I'm struggling to regain control over it. At the same time i know it's mentally bad and i low-key need help. Idk anymore, it's almost midnight now so my mind is rambling. I think it's good though sometimes to allow my thoughts to jump around and write them down as they come. Sorry that was long, incoherent and probably contradicting. I wrote literally what I thought of next, like I was rambling but non verbally. I feel a bit better sectioning my thoughts and not have them floating around incoherently

#ignore me #ed recovery #eating disorder recovery #ed tw just in case #ed thoughts #ed relapse

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survivorazores · 7 years

Text

Ep. 16 - “Hi, nice to me you! My name is "I'm a fucking mess" “ - Francie

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164424993518/individual-immunity-7

The tribe minus Will hates me again so there's that! I.... almost went home, that's so wild. I hate that Ali left, that was all just so wild I don't even know what to think now about it all.

It feels good knowing that my game is almost over, and that Amanda Lynn is gonna win this game even though she's never getting my jury vote. I would say more but I don't want to make anyone mad or upset and I don't want any bad blood after this game, but y'all can't preach "it's just a game" and then be upset when someone calls out your lies IN THE GAME like... that's a tactic I'm trying to rattle you and clearly it worked. Ruthie's the only real one, Abbey literally admitted she's playing for second which is just sad, Francie I still know nothing about, and Amanda Lynn like go have fun in the winner's circle girl. You deserve it.

I'm seriously considering if I want to even try for F3 anymore, or just like, flop and be voted out. I don't think I have a chance of winning anymore. And if I don't have a chance of winning, I'm not sure I want to keep putting the effort in to stay. It seems that everyone has wanted me out at one point or another. They all still probably do. If I'm such a big threat, why hasn't anyone tried to take me out before this? How have I been able to stay? Will is mad bc I told him I wanted to go to the end with him bc I like going with threats so its a fun FTC. Sweetie, if that were true, I wouldn't have voted Emily out. And also. I never told anyone I wanted to vote Ali out. I mean, I didn't want to go to FTC with him, and I mentioned like, to the girls, that I wanted to go to the end with all girls, but I never went to anyone and said, "I want to vote Ali out." So, lol, good job to whoever told him that, bc tbh, I've been considering going to the end with him, and its yours and hist fault that he turned on me and wound up idoling himself out. Oh the irony. And I'm not even sorry. To be honest, if I do get voted out, I'm probably going to vote for Francie. Girl has made it to f5 with zero votes against her, in her very first game, while she went on vacation to another country, won an immunity, AND survived rocks where she had a 50% chance of going home? Yeah, home girl is getting my vote.

WELL THE TEA IS that Francie put her ass on the line super hard just for little old me. Will, Ruthie and Ali voted for me which is fine it makes sense I get it. I really didn't expect Francie to do that for me. My heart is full, my crops are thriving, my skin is clear, Neville is the Cruiserweight Champion and Sasha is 4 time Raw Womens Champion everything is great! I came clean about my scheme to vote Amanda out to Amanda so since I spilled that to Will he has no dirt on me. I really think that me and Francie both have something to show if we make it to FTC, the playing field seems more clear especially since Will kind of shot himself in the foot when he popped off on Amanda. Oh well, I just want this iconic all female f3!

So that challenge? It's no Stairway to Hell. It's just Hell. That's it. Nothing else. If the solar eclipse didn't make me go blind, this challenge did. I set up a doc last night so all I had to do was copy/paste, but I hecked up once at the beginning. Everything else was fine, though. Even with that, I copy/pasted non-stop and it took me about 52 minutes so.... rip. I'm really hoping I get this bc I do not want to be voted out before Will... I would rather be last juror than go before him. I'm guessing that if he does win, the Gal Pals will just vote Ruthie, but I would hate for him to be here f4.... so like... can he just lose? [7:03:20 PM] Amanda Lynn: Anyway if Will wins immunity i'm gonna go jump off a cliff [7:04:09 PM] Zabbey Culpepper: rt [7:04:23 PM] Francie Liana: mood They think I'm joking, but I'm already looking up the tallest peak in Florida.

https://youtu.be/EJOOhaTWyiw

Welcome to that last challenge where the word “step” is made up and your emotional sanity does not matter.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164465335358/individual-immunity-7-results

WELL it's been fun y'all I really think I'm the next to go and I'm not about to crawl up into Francie and Abbey's IM's, not tonight anyway but I think they BOTH know I'm the smarter option to keep this week.

So the highest point in Florida is a place called Sugarloaf Mountain. It's peak is 312 feet above sea level. It's about 120 miles and 90 minutes from my house. If I leave now, I'll have enough get there early, spend the day climbing the mountain, jump in the daylight, hopefully live, hopefully be found, and be able to make it back in time for tribal, just to be voted out. I know it's between me and Ruthie. I know that. The vote will be 5-2, either way. Abbey says she has no intention of voting me out. Francie said the same thing. But all it takes is for someone to sway on of them that I'm the biggest threat. I don't mind. I doubt I'll win the game anyway. But I just ask that if they do decide to vote me out. Just tell me. I don't want a glimmer of hope just to be blindsided.

Abbey said she was pitching to Francie why they should keep me. I appreciate it. But I'm not going to fight. I said my peace to them. I know Will won't work with me anymore. I don't have the option to work with Ruthie because I'm not voting Francie or Abbey out. I have nothing left to say to anyone. I'm just. I'm tired. And sad. I worked so hard in this game. I tried so hard. I had decent strategies. I played tough. I went against an ally, which is a big step for me. I've never done that. I tried to beat Will. And I have a whole tangent speech about that that maybe I'll get into one day. About how I agreed to work with him and then went back on it. I have a reason. But right now. I just. Want to cry.

Immunity? Feels nice :)

What's funny to me now is people who have spent the whole game lying and flipping and backstabbing not wanting to take out the obvious frontrunner at this point when they can it's like... I get that you wanna stay loyal to the alliance but are you really gonna throw your game away for that? After you've both acknowledged that you can't beat her? Like you're ok with flipping on me because you can't beat me, but because you've known homegirl over here longer you're willing to throw away your chance at winning? I mean tbh I probably will not win FIC, and I'll probably be the Kelley Wentworth of this season, and that's okay with me but it's just really dumb - not even sad, just dumb - watching people talk up how they don't wanna just bring goats to the end then do exactly that, or even worse let themselves be the goats. Amanda Lynn is not getting my vote in the final three, and that's not me being bitter, that's me saying that I genuinely do not believe she played the best game between her and Abbey. And I know all y'all will say I'm just a bitter juror but those? Are the facts! That's my opinion! I mean I'm gonna fight as hard as I fucking can to win tomorrow night and please the jury, but I really don't have much hope left. And that's okay. When I said I wasn't gonna bring goats to the end for an easy win, I was being serious, but if y'all wanna win in a landslide over people you yourself have said "didn't do shit" and if y'all wanna go to the end with people who will beat you in a landslide like... be my guest idgaf. And don't expect some fiery jury speech from me either lol that's not how I'm playing this game. I'm just gonna ask a simple question and expect simple answers, no showboating and no more games. There's no point in it, just be straight up. Anyways it's about past my bedtime and this game is literally just draining my life force at this point, I'll see what I can do tomorrow but there's literally no promises on that

Anyways my instagram bio literally says "eventual 4th place finisher on survivor" so like... the prophecy cometh true?

Amanda came to us last night explaining why we shouldn't vote her out now, because Will and Ruthie are close and would end up driving it to fire next challenge. While Abbey and I think Amanda is a threat, neither of us wants to go through fire next round so we plan on voting Ruthie out now instead. Amanda also told us to just tell her if we're voting her because she doesn't want to be blindsided at all. She left two alliance chats this morning so it seems like she thinks she's going home next if she's already preparing. At least, maybe...? I hope they're both telling the truth because I have no desire to wear a good made of sheep's wool. (I...got so carried away that I typed all of this in the name box at first)

Should I even campaign at this point? UGH. I think I really screwed myself over by telling Will the last vote what was happening but I don't regret it, I hope that Will makes it to the final three and that he wins this ENTIRE game. Yes, he's been close with Abbey and Amanda but he has been my number one and yes, I did stray a little bit but idk, he deserves to win. If Will doesn't make it to the end I will probably vote for Amanda to win. She has played the best game by far out of almost everyone (I honestly think that Will, Emily and her have played the best this season) and she deserves to win over me, Francie or Abbey for sure. I've had a fun time and I'm honored to have made it this far in this game, it's been a WILD ride and I've loved every second of it!

Well, Francie says she decided last night she isn't voting me out tonight. I made a pitch to her that next round of it comes down to fore between me and her, I'll forfeit, which I will. I'm hoping it doesn't come down to that, though. Jay hinted that final immunity is the pressure cooker with the cup, but she also said she was still thinking about it. If she does do that one, it sucks for me bc I know I won't win. But it's good for Abbey bc she has won it before. I just don't know how strong Will is so, I'm just going on a hope and a prayer here.

what even is this challenge what even is anything? anyway. amanda came to me, referencing what she said last night and said it was all true. she thought I was the swing vote tonight. she also said that if it came to fire between me and her, she would forfeit. she literally said she'd guarantee me F3 if I kept her tonight....this is the most surprised I've ever been by a pm im...wow. I really appreciate it, that's for sure. just, w o w. I told her that I decided last night I wasn't going to vote for her, bc that was true and it still is.

I really just wanna get this all over with, I'm too stressed for no reason and my computer also legitimately can't take it anymore lol - like obviously I'm gonna try tonight but part of me hopes I lose so I can just be over with all of it. Obviously I've had a good time but still.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164502055958/tribal-15-ruthie-voted-out-3-2-amanda-lynn

LAST WORDS: I'm sad about leaving but I am glad I had so much fun and was part of what I think was a great season! This was definitely one of the favorite games I've ever played and it was an adventure, I never knew what was going to happen next and I'm honored to have met so many of you! I love my Azores family! <3 'crackedt disney queen' out!

Ruthie becomes the sixteenth person voted out and the eighth member of our jury.

So I made it through tribal. But I could not last longer than like 5 minutes (if that) in the pressure cooker. My arms used to be strong bc of puppets but they are not strong anymore. It's up to Abbey and Francie right now and I can hear Francie is struggling so much. I just don't want Will to win. Please, God. Do not let Will win. I'm hoping his phone falls and he loses. Ugh please.....

Friendly tip: on a google hangout, never put your phone into low power mode. in other news, fuck technology

File my phone screwing me over under Top 10 Saddest Anime Deaths.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164504054993/final-immunity-challenge-results-will-wins

I literally cannot believe I won final immunity like what the fuck? How? When? Where? I really feel bad like I feel like I am not supposed to be here, it feels wrong and it feels tragic but I... I made it? I don't even know who I want the last jury member to be, because Amanda is the biggest threat against me at this point based on gameplay alone - I need to start preparing a speech and answers and stuff - but I also know that Amanda will eviscerate me if she's on the jury and I don't feel like dealing with that. I really hope they can all be objective about the game and see that I played incredibly hard and that my social bonds saved my ass multiple times but that I also controlled a bunch of the votes. But these fuckers gave me a run for my money, they really did. For my last game of the summer, it would be really REALLY nice to win. But if anything at least it was a wild fucking ride.

I...had the phone propped up vertically and then Amanda mentioned doing it horizontally and trying that is what was my downfall actually. :/

https://youtu.be/z9eEqkd5j6U

I can't stop thinking about that challenge. Can you believe that power save mode murdered the feminist movement?

Anyways it's dumb that people are trying to use the "it's what we really want" thing to guilt me into doing what they want me to tonight and I'm really not about it lol go cry to someone else I don't play like that

Let's break it down here: y'all are gonna tell me that I'm being shitty for calling Amanda Lynn a not genuine person (because she lied all game to me) and say that I can't separate real life and the game (including Abbey so tactfully saying that I shouldn't be playing these games) and THEN go on to say to me here, tonight, on this day, that you'll both be mad at me - no, that ALL the people here will be mad at me if I don't let them go to fire making because... of what? Because I made the choice that was best for my game? Like if you're gonna give out advice like that, learn to take it as well. There's no point in arguing since they will never admit I'm wrong unless it's in an apology intended to try and make me feel comfortable again so like give it up, it's over. If anything, talk to ya girl Francie she's the one who's really making the deciding vote here, don't be mad at me for trying to win the game after telling me I'm not allowed to be mad at y'all for doing the same thing.

So I lost FIC which is a real bummer. It was the only challenge I really had a chance at but I blew it, and it''s nobodies fault but my own. I went in too cocky and it blew up in my fave. Unfortunately Will won. It's not that I don't think Will deserves it, because he definitely does, he worked really hard for it. It just sucks that we can't have an all female final 3. The series is based on female empowerment and inclusiveness and it would have been a really good story but oh well. I dont begrudge Will for it. Now we have to figure out what to do. Me and Amanda want to go to fire, because neither of us want to vote the other one out. We've come too far together to turn on each other now. There's no fucking way I'm voting for Francie after she went to rocks for me so our only option is fire. Francie and Amanda vote for me, I vote for Amanda and we hope Will votes for me. He might vote for Amanda which would suck. He's not getting any of our votes no matter which of us go and he thinks Amanda would be his best bet to send home but he can't make that happen on his own so idk what hes gonna do

Will suggested that Amanda and Abbey are trying to spilt the votes and send me home rather than their fire plans. I trust A&A but now I'm lowkey paranoid and idk what's gonna happen tonight. I'm gonna go finish my dinner. It's cronch time.

Hi, nice to me you! My name is "I'm a fucking mess"

It's a lose-lose-lose-lose-etc. situation: I go to fire, Amanda probably makes it to FTC and probably wins somehow. I vote Amanda out since Francie really doesn't see through my plan here and Amanda goes to the jury and tells them all not to vote for me and I have to do major damage control. I don't go to fire and regardless of who goes home they all hate me for not giving them what they want when I literally don't owe anyone anything. The only people I owe are royalty Ali T and Ruthie for staying completely loyal to me through this whole mess, and those are the facts! Anyways no matter what I do tonight Amanda's gonna make it difficult for me to get jury votes so... time to work on a speech kids!

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164538868783/rites-of-passage

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164542328888/final-four-tribal-council-abbey-and-amanda-tied

LAST WORDS: https://youtu.be/0_Jjw-sfxY8

Amanda Lynn becomes the seventeenth person voted out, and the ninth and final member of the jury

So, that happened. I wasn't sure Will was even going to push for fire making but he ended up doing it and Abbey won. Amanda messaged us in the alliance chat and said she was giving up because she didn't want to sit next to FTC with Will. Gosh, my stance on Amanda has sure flipped around a lot this game. She's been one of my closest allies and yet there's been times, like just recently, where I wanted to vote her out because she was the biggest threat to winning this game. At the same time I've wanted to stick with her because we were allies for so long. It's been too back and forth so I just have to say it for the record that I have loved playing with Amanda and I wouldn't change that for anything etc.

That moment when you're in the final three when you didn't even think you'd make merge coming into this game.

Honestly Amanda can stay pressed, she wants to act like the victim then like go for it but honey if you're gonna try to bully me into a fire making challenge (you got your wish!) and lie to me and everyone else repeatedly don't expect me to go silently into the night, I will expose you for who you are. If I win, then woohoo I did it yay congrats Will, people will be pissed. If I don't win, then like literally whatever lol.

My strategy going into FTC is just to be honest but still try to “sell myself” without getting arrogant about it (though I don't think I actually have the capacity to do that). I think my odds of winning are about the same as Abbey's and Will's so, yea. We'll just see how those forks fall.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164577346023/opening-statements

This game has honestly been so great up until these last few votes... I don't know what made it get so ugly but I really don't want to be remembered as the villain who's villainy came from being a bully, not from my strategy. Because I really don't think I've been a bully and I hate that people are going to try to paint me that way just because I stood my ground. I don't think I'm winning this game which is a bummer because it's both one of the best games I've played (in terms of my gameplay and like...the production and structure of the game) and my last game for a while, but hey like I had fun. I made it to the end with two people who I would love to see win, and we all agree that each of us deserves to be here.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164621763838/final-tribal-council-the-jurors-votes-for-the

That could've been a lot worse tbh like I'm really looking forward to talking to all of these jurors later on with a couple notable exceptions (we won't say who but we all know who) and like, I don't expect to win but I don't think it'll be a landslide vote, but then again who knows.

I'm going to miss Ali sending this confessional link so damn much. :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((. Bigger tragedy than a n y t h i n g Shakespeare produced.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164649993333/winner-reveal

FINAL THOUGHTS: How did I actually win? I'm literally floored. Tfw when you bullshit half the game and manage to win??????? I, uh, yeah. Only n00b to make F3 and I won. Wow.

With that, Francie becomes the winner of Survivor Athena: Azores by a 4-2-2 vote, with Abbey and Will becoming the joint runners up. During the winner reveal, Emily was announced as Player of the Season and Mo/Ruthie were announced as Fan Favorites after a community vote. Congratulations to all of them and thank you to the whole cast for an amazing season!

#imthegreatergood #episodes

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paradox-oflife · 4 years

Text

massive q and a post part 3 ignore this pls

1. If you could learn any language fluently what would it be? Um maybe latin because it sounds cool but for practical purposes probably spanish lol

2. What historical Figure would you love to see in 21st centuary life? Jesus, not because I’m Christian but I’m curious to see what he would say

3. As a kid were you ever frighted of a monster under the bed or in the cupboard? No because my bed didn’t have space underneath

4. Do you like clowns? nope

5. Do you prefer BBC or ITV? Okay, this is clearly British but I’d go with BBC

6. Have you ever been surfing? Once. It didn’t go that well lol

7. Have you ever been snowboarding? Yeah, it’s pretty fun actually!

8. Who was better, the Beatles or Elvis Presley? uuuh the Beatles

9. Whats your favourite type of foreign food? By foreign I’m assuming non-American/British. But anything from Taiwan (except for pig’s blood ew) is soul food for me :)

10. Which Foreign country do you dislike the most? I... don’t know. North Korea I guess? But when it comes to most countries, it’s the government that makes it bad.

11. Do you like your music loud or easy listening? (What does this mean??) Depends on the mood

12. Whats your favourite animated or cartoon program? Adventure time :D

13. Do you sing in the shower? Errr, no.

14. Are you a clean or messy person? I try my best to be clean but it always ends up messy.

15. Whats your prefered playing piece in monopoly? I usually go with the cat :3

16. Can or Do you still play twister? God I haven’t played since 5th grade.

17. Can you play chess? Yeah, not really good at it though.

18. Do you know the dance steps to an annoying cheesey pop song? Haha no because I suck at dancing

19. Do you prefer straight or bendy straws? Bendy

20. Have you ever entered a talent contest? And did you win? No .-. I’m not the type to do that lol

21. Do you like poetry? Yeah. I’d say so.

22. Are you a sore loser? Nah, I’m pretty chill when it comes to that type of thing

23. Which would you choose? Jelly or Ice Cream? Ice Cream > Jelly

24. Whats your favourite type of Pie? New Zealand’s steak and cheese

25. Whats your most used phrase? Hm. Maybe “yeah nah”

26. Whats your most used word? Not sure. I talk a lot.

27. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Someone Asian of course, someone who has studied me well enough and understands me

28. What would your dream job be? Okay, I’m gonna be real. I wanted to be a vet but lowkey I’m too colorblind for it lol. I’m planning to study in Physical Therapy

29. Which song do you hate the most? I mainly just listen to the same albums nowadays but I guess i don’t really vibe with a lot of pop songs.

30. How long does it take you to get ready? Depends how tired I am. If I get pretty good sleep it takes maybe 10 minutes at most.

31. What do you think the greatest invention has been? The printing press.

32. Whats your favourite feature on the opposite sex? Uuuh i dont really know. Forearms are nice i guess

33. Whats your least favourite feature on the opposite sex? Sometimes they’re just really oblivious to really obvious things

34. Who's your favourite Comedian? I don’t even listen to comedians really but Chelsea Peretti is pretty funny.

35. What's your favourite board game? Probably Monopoly. There’s no greater feeling than seeing the life drain from your friends’ eyes as you collect $5000 from them

36. Do you have any lucky items, objects or traditions? When I’m having a bad day I like to just read through my yearbooks and look at all the compliments people wrote.

37. Do you have any superstitions? Not really.

38. Whats your favourite Movie quote? I have a lot. But maybe Manners Maketh Man.

39. Who would win in a fight? Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer? Chuck Norris.

40. Do you have much of an ego? I wish. I want to be more confident

41. Do you wear sunglasses indoors to look cool or stylish? No. Nothing against it though.

42. Are you a hat person? Nah

43. Whats your favourite supermarket chain? Costco

44. Whats your favourite fastfood chain? Smashburger or Inn n Out

45. Whats your first thought upon waking up? “Lord help me.”

46. What animal would you most like to have as a pet? I love dogs. And cats.

47. Whats your favourite type of tree? Pine trees always remind me of home.

48. If you could bankrupt one person or company who would it be? Uuuh as much as I want to bankrupt someone like Jeff Bezos that’d be bad because a lot of people rely on Amazon

49. If you could steal one thing without consequence what would it be? I honestly don’t know.

50. Who's your favourite celeb with the same first name or surname as you? I don’t know much celebrities with the same name as me.

51. If evil-doers invaded your country would you rush to the battlelines to defend the motherland or hide in a box? Um hide in a box I’m so tiny. Like I know a bit of martial arts but like??? I’m literally 5′1″ and i’m only 115 pounds. Someone could bench me easily.

52. Whats your favourite flower? I like lillies

53. Do you believe in ghosts? Im really mixed about it. I believe demons exist though

54. Do you believe in the loch ness monster? Nay

55. Do you believe in Aliens? Eeeeh kind of but when i think about aliens i think about microorganisms.

56. Do you believe the Governments hide technology and information from the public? Yes 100%

56. Which is your favourite pokemon? Growlithe uwu

57. What horror fiction character scares you the most? Pennywise. No thanks.

58. Can you do 10 revolutions of a hula hoop? Yeah

59. Do you think Great Britain should have a National Day? n/a 60.Do you think Great Britain should be part of a United Europe?n/a 61. Would you want the Euro or keep the British Pound?n/a

62. Were you part of the Brownies/Cubs/Scouts/Guides etc? Nah

63. Have you ever invented a fairly unique meal or drink? No I’m not that good at cooking lol

64. Do you have any secret family recipes? My family only knows how to cook asian food and well, asian food is very freestyle

65. Do you have any family secrets? :o uuuuuh well, it wouldn’t be a secret if I said it right?

66. Are you good at keeping secrets? Yeah! You can count on me.

67. Have you ever been up in a hot air balloon? Nopenopenopenope

68. Whats your favourite Sci-fi film/program etc? ugghhhh i have so much. I like the Martian tho?

69. When playing checkers or chess do you prefer to be black or white? Black

70. Which is better, a Pastie or Sausage Roll? Sausage roll

71. Do you prefer shopping on the high street or online? Irl, I’m pretty impatient man

72. Would you ever want to learn to fly? Like, fly an airplane? Or fly as in levitate. Cause if levitate, then YES

73. Do you often read your horoscope? Nah, as accurate as they can be sometimes, I don’t really believe in astrology

74. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading? Eeeee no. Personal opinion, tarot cards are hella sketchy. I don’t mess with that stuff.

75. Whats your favourite brand of newspaper? Honestly at this point I’ve given up on the news. I just read stuff off of reddit sometimes.

76. Have you ever milked a cow? No

77. Have you ever used the phrase "back in my time" to someone younger than you? HAHAH one time. I realized my friend’s younger brother had never seen an iPod before and I was so baffled he didn’t even know what it was.

78. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? Love them

79. Which was the greatest Empire? Maybe Macedonian. I want to say the Romans, but god, they had a lot of problems.

80. Whats your favorite word? Catharsis.

81. Whats your favourite sportsware brand? Adidas or Nike I guess

82. Do you buy any weekly/monthly magazines? Nah

83. Who's your favourite Superhero? uuuuh Thor

84. Who's your favourite Villain/Baddie? Doofensmirtz. He wasn’t even bad lmao. He thinks he’s a Chaotic Evil when in reality he’s a Chaotic Good.

85. What was the last Album you purchased? I don’t purchase a lot of music tbh bc I broke, but the last album I listened to was Hot Fuss.

86. What was the last DVD you purchased? A Daria DVD I found at Walmart for five dollars.

87. What was the last piece of clothing you purchased? Some jeans.

88. When pulling crackers does everyone get one each regardless or whoever gets the big ends keeps all the prizes? I’m assuming this is some British tradition so idk

89. Do you ever make your own greetings cards? Not really.

90. Do you have a swiss army knife? I used to then I lost it.

91.At what age did you twig onto the fact Santa wasnt real? My parents never did the whole Santa thing so I always knew it was false

92. Whats your favourite fruit? Watermelon

93. Have you ever done something really unbelivable, only to have no one around to see it? Um YEAH. I was 10th grade and I was in the Martial Arts club, which was a version of Aikido. I tripped on these stairs one time going down, then I did this glorious shoulder roll and got right up. No one saw but I was so proud of myself.

94. Do you buy from charity shops? Occasionally, if I can find some.

95. Have you ever sold your services? No

96. Have you ever raised money for charity? Yeah, it was for a school club tho

97. Have you ever won a giant sized cuddly toy from a fair? Yes uwu

98. Is the glass half full or half empty? It’s half full

0 notes

celestialallstars · 5 years

Text

Episode 11: “The odds are against me but I’m gonna make it....” - Loris

FUCK YOU MATT. FUCK YOU JACK. FUCK YOU STEPHEN. FUCK THIS CAST. YALL LYING ASS HOES SUCK MY FUCKING NIPPLES

Right now, I've got a mixture of feelings. On one end, I guess the tribal showed were some people's loyalties lie, but on the other I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit much. Like everybody in this game has literally lied and like I don't know, I understood Jack and Matt's frustration but it was a big yikes to see it get so tense and everyone get worked up. Like had my laptop not shut off, I would have likely snapped tonight and I think I'm seeing the good and the bad of things right now and it's just...a mess. Not to mention the 8 man alliance couldn't get it together until the 11th hour.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Matt is finally gone, and this time we pulled it all off to keep him until Jared fucking pulled out an idol. How did he even know it was gonna be Chloe anyways? Man. I can't help but wonder if he wouldn't have played it had Matt and I shut our mouths but I think he would've anyways. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't let him lie again in public about that I had to expose him. Now he's got no idol, he's got few allies (I think), he's totally vulnerable and I pray to god we get him in the next 2 rounds.

It just occurred to me that I had a part in the chaos tonight. Stephen was already worried about the vote, but if I don't talk to Jack/Mitch then none of the last minute plan to vote Chloe happens I feel or gains as much momentum, then half the craziness that happened tonight at tribal does not happen at all....I saved Steph but at the cost of seemingly having Jared cost his game.

________________________________________________________________

I'm really drained at the moment between the school stuff and this game and now Jared claims my name was around for this round, or at least it was Bryce's plan. It did not phase me because I already wanted to go against Bryce/Zach but now it at least gives me another reason. AS of all of the craziness, my gut told me to try and stick it out with Michael/Chloe. I believe that between Rhys/Bryce/Zach's sketchiness, Jack just being himself, and Loris, I'd rather just try things out with the others. At this point, I'm kind of over a lot of the BS that people keep trying to sell. Having that said, I firmly believe that things need to get outted tomorrow unless we attempt a full on blindside.

I keep checking my messages as though someone wants to talk to me. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Sooooo YESTERDAY WAS A DAY!

It started off so simple, Matt seemed to be the target for the majority alliance and Michael/Chloe didn't seem very interested in keeping him around. So I came up with a scheme that I think may have tied into someone else's scheme. But I didn't know it at the time. ANYWAYYYYY...

Matt's going home, but I don't want to vote him. Why? Because I wanna strengthen my relationship with Jack, so I approach both of them to talk about things and figure out who they're voting for. Matt was very antagonistic and I figured out this is because he heard I was saying his name, which was true! I get them to say a name they'd rather have taken out, and it's Chloe. Sure. Me and Chloe barely talk tbh. So I essentially go around getting pissy about wanting to vote Chloe instead of Matt to my alliance because I need to sell it anddddddd........

They... Want to vote her out? SKDJSKDKSKSKSKSKAKSK

Ummmm this wasn't the plan! Everyone except Loris and Jared want to do it. Okay. Whatever. I'm too deep in now to flip back, sorry Chloe!

THEN JARED PLAYS THE IDOL SKSKDKDMSKSKSKSKSSM

Ok but why didn't you use that idol to save Mitch hm?

Sketchy bitch.

Soooo I hear afterwards that Zach and Bryce had a chat with Jack and Matt and apparently they might have wanted to vote Chloe anyway????? But then why let the vote be Matt for the entire day? When we all would've voted Chloe if they just said her name originally? And now Jared also has a chat with Chloe and Michael? Worst allies ever.

Idk Zach and Bryce are sketchy and I've known that since the Mitch vote. Maybe they should watch their backs in the near future ......

First off I was SO happy for Loris! It would have been nice to immunity, but I know with all of the distracting things I had for the day that I did good with the few hours I had. This makes me wonder if it will continue a trend I see in a lot of orgs where I begin to place in the top 4 a lot in the late game. Only time shall tell. Going into this tribal, I for once feel great. Making a new alliance with Loris/Michael/Chloe/Jared all the while keeping Stephen in the loop. I'll still smile and wave in the 13th, three kings, literally any other chat but as far as I'm concerned, I'm ridding my hands of that. Hope its not too early to feel good (it is)

________________________________________________________________

So I did some thinking and for a bit I had a feeling me or Bryce would get 10th. This was just because Karth came in 20th and Kori in 15th, which had to mean one of us would come in 10th and the other in 5th. Time to see how accurate this prophecy is

Day 25......... gross. So disregarding the challenge because yikes the whole game seems to be flipped on and the best part is that I don’t put myself forward as a target and Jared and Chloe are seen as this tight duo so I expect them to be targeted over myself. However chris and loris both expressed disappointment in how the game has been progressing and Bryce and zach both came to me to strategise so hopefully I’m in some sort of power position in the game however chris has pulled this before where he’s so sad he didn’t get his way and so disappointed and nothing has changed so right now my focus is on how to get myself forward in the game with hopefully more to come and Bryce will hopefully be eliminated this round.

Soooooo I had to abstain from the challenge for work but that's okay. I don't think I'm the target anyway.

The biggest news is that Jared has added onto his old group of Chloe and Michael to create a new majority. One that is planning to overthrow the old one in the near future. Based on what Chris has told me, the additions are himself and Loris.

The issue is, based on what Jared has told me, that Loris wants to wait one more round before locking things down. I see why he'd want to do this. Jack could easily slip through the cracks of the impending majority vs. majority war and that puts him within reach of an easy win at FTC in my opinion.

Jack might actually go home unanimously if things keep up like this. It'd be sad, because I just really started putting work into my relationship with him recently, but it really doesn't seem worth it when, even if I save him, I'll likely be targeting him within 2 or 3 rounds anyway. Cyrena? More like, sayonara.

Of course, if last vote is any indication, this can all change in a couple of minutes! So who the fuck knows. There's still 3 hours until tribal and if I can convince the 5 in power to pull their move now I wouldn't mind it at all.

hi!! ok so like... I won immunity??? and it was a creative challenge???? I’m so shocked and proud of myself I rlly tried to snap and things went wrong but I still SNAPPED!!! and now I made single digits oh my god!!! like... 9th or above I’m so happy with but of course I’m gonna win anyways. so. I suggested an alliance with me chloe Chris michael Jared to Chris and Jared and now it’s a real thing and like.. we just need to get people to vote jack for themselves and then we can run the game perry add. That could be a serve. I genuinely feel like I’m in a rather good spot this game I don’t think anyone should want to vote me out except stephen maybe?? jack is hard to read because I’m not sure he talks To that many people ... idk... also oh my god so I just need to survive 3 more tribals and then I can play my legacy.... and like I’ll be so proud of myself if I get to do that. both seasons I find the legacy in round one(?) and I manage to hold onto it until the final six both times ?? like.. the odds are against me but Im gonna make it....

girl idk. i feel in danger because of lack of talk. everyone wants jack out. id prefer chloe. the only votes we can get are bryce, rhys, jack and myself. loris is dumb. HE WONT idk. jareds legit playin super well and good for him but ppl needa wake up and start knockin off his +1’s so hes easier to take out in the future. but who cares. these people are gonna end up lettin like jared or chris win .. and good. i suppose they deserve it.

im just super tired. partly due to this game but partly because of irl factors... so i just cant go chaotic. its so fun but soooo draining, and its hard when everyone leaks things and jared wants to be dumb and idol. it wasnt dumb. im petty. its real dumb.

im just trying to get ppl on my side but it seems so hard NNNN so . we’ll see

My names going round again 🤠

Ever since I played the idol on Chloe (which was indeed an in the moment decision), I feel a lot better about my spot in the game.

I revealed basically everything to Chris. There was very little that I left out. I told him about the F2 with Bryce, and my motivations behind every decision so far.

Sometimes overbearing trust comes out of overbearing promises. I still need someone to have my back no matter what, so being open with Chris was necessary. I still will try my best to keep Bryce in the game. I need them to war with each other because it will be a long term buffer for me. In terms of F3 plans, I'm not sure. I have options between Chris, Rhys, Chloe, Michael, Stephen, and Loris. I wouldn't mind staying true and taking Bryce as far as I can, but eventually his number will be up and I think that will be better for my chances to win anyways.

Today I finally pulled the trigger and Chris and I put together this 5some of him, Chloe, Michael, Loris, and myself called "starpower."

I will have to be cheeky with Chris to stay in a better spot than him, because he doesn't have strict promises with Bryce as far as I know.

Tonight Jack will go home which was Loris' call. I think it's fine because either way next round Stephen will want a big target out and he needs me to make it happen. I want that target to be on Zach, because I think Zach is the current frontrunner to win, and I think voting him will suit Stephen.

With that being said, it will take a smooth game from hear on out to not be a total goat. I'll try my best.

Feeling very strange about this vote. It's another sort of last minute vote, we've all kind of agreed to do a hard reset and vote Chloe again, but now that I've seen one idol play I can't help but feel like there's another coming, and this time it'd directed towards me potentially. I think I'm gonna propose possibly splitting votes just to cover our bases, because I do feel like Jared and Chloe are now gonna want to target me for no reason other than it's convenient.

If someone idols Jack tonight I’m gonna scream 🤡

So, I wanted Chloe gone this round, because I'm scared she will just float through this game and take a spot at the end. Which is exactly what is happening this vote. People want Jack instead so here we go. Haven't been too active so couldn't have gotten the numbers. Sad times.

Hi so the vote seems to be on jack which is a little bit anti climatic because everyone was like let’s make a move and then boom jack goes like I thot we were going after bryce zach or rhys but I guess not? Anyway I hope im not being played by bitches right now and people stick to their words. Or at least vote jared/Chloe out

________________________________________________________________

The thing that makes me most nervous going into tribal is that it makes strategic sense for Stephen not to vote with us and instead vote out Jared who’s a far bigger threat than Jack but hopefully the fear of a tie will mean that he makes it 6 and I hope he realises that I’m ok with going against Jared sksksksksk.

THIS game is so sad liek nothing i want happens ppl are just not wanting to do what i want and thats so unlike my first season KJFHDASKJ i just want total control and someone to run the game with but jared is so annoying and is trying to work with the ppl who will vote him out bc hes such a big threat like girl pls just let me have my way and i wont cut u at 4th! im still fuming over the idol play like who does he think he is playing it without letting me know thats all i ask i literally feel pathetic trying to work with him when he clearly has chris/loris/chloe interests ahead of me

________________________________________________________________

Jack is voted out 8-1-1. He becomes the third member of our jury.

Watch Jack’s exit interview take place below:

youtube

#shinebright #episode

0 notes

the-reactionist · 5 years

Text

i don't wanna play a role anymore! i wanna have my own life!!!

#dignity is killing us; too much to take [this reality revolves around capital, and has nothing to do with honor; so we are misplaced; need to find a niche #tired] the#truth will kill us; we need t to soothe our minds and 'go to sleep' mildly; that's why they put me on anti-depressants, and numb me down; they need to be asleep 😢the truth is killing me 🐉

i guess i need to clear my head and process someone's fear [this definitely is not 'me' speaking; i have always conformed in order to continue the life line of humanity; i m asking though, why shouldn't i; i have experienced infertility and i am asking: should i or shouldn't i bare children? i am bitter with many things and i don't trust the world is a safe place for children to grow in; but life is continuing nevertheless so either i am part of it, like everyone, or i am just wasting my time in rants and then being a teacher or caregiver, again, to the same humanity with its defects and misfortune; this spiritual paradigm is shit! really! nothing is better than what already is; it can't be, not for long; the only real thing is embracing all the darkness and bringing as much awareness to it s possible - but that happens when you incarnate into a disabled body, or when you experience pain and hurt in some other way, and then live with the trauma, for the rest of your life -_-] : in the scapegoating video, teal said that so much responsibility will kill us; that applies tome, ut it's a responsibility i like and prefer; because it's the inner responsibility to harmony and goodness that warriors and other practitioners developed in places such as japan, china, etc. i have that bug in me, and many do too - it's a very intriguing phenomenon: is this actually good, or not? did that intense restlessness bring about destruction, or did it helped humanity stay virtuous through time? i am not sure; i am still exploring, and i don't really have the time to go too deep now, because i have to conform to everyday reality which is taking away all of my energy from me, and by draining me, it disables me to think about stuff too much - i just consume, and consume, and consume - be it organic products or food supplements, or spa procedures, or online courses and meditations, and healing sessions... this is not healthy! i have been exploring capitalism and i came upon a good article explaining why this system is unhealthy and how it condemns people to feel unappreciated, unworthy, like they always need to do, show, demonstrate, come up with MORE, ad MORE, and MORE and it makes them think they are never enough, so they just are slaves to capital their entire lives and then die and their children are slaves, and it just continues on ... until when? until government/money holders decide they have had enough of the game, and just give up this vicious system? i am so tired! i can't cope any longer; no dream of togetherness can help me now because i have too many issues to be able to be together easily; i just am alone and isolated and miserable and sick with diabetes; and i have no power to fight these fights because im fighting gunpowder with katana - mchinery with spirit; and it's not working in my favour; it's not working in spirit's favour at all; this society is insane; i wanna be relieved of this pain; i need to prosper financiallly although i believe not in money's power at all; to me it's a disgrace having to work for money when i have been built to work for honour or love or cceptance or dignity; ican't do it... and i don't need to; but i don't wanna be messed around with again, like when i first started realizig these trends: they began scapegoating me for everythign by puttig me into psychiatries and my 'mother' kicked me out of our home and told me i'd better be homeless, and my 'sister' told me if i didn't wanna work i should at least become a prostitute!!!!! can you imagine this cold-heartedness; it is not human! i can't bare fruit to a society like this in peace; i need to escape society first, to be able to feel safe, relatively... how can you escape on a globe. we are ll connected, and everything is affecting everyone! my other thought is i could e soothed if i have a partner in life; but it's hard for me to open up because i don't trust this life and i know that when in love, children happen, and they are our responsibility; and they don't have boundary, and i have suffered as a child - because of fucked up society - rape attempts and many such instances, i don't wanna talk about them because they disgust me; this is not normal and not safe! and if we, as a community don't do shit/anything about this, we are stupid too. who's gonna fix things, if we don't! let's speak about that - who cn think of what,a nd what problems he/she has along the way, in order to find hope for a future/and present, in this case; idk what i have touched upon, but i am desperate, or exploring desperation, because i don't feel desperate really; yet, i don't wanna participate in reality right now. period.

sorry about punctuation/grammar mistakes, i'll fix them when i come back from my first job... i have a second one ow because i don't have enough money to live how my spirit desires.... :(

0 notes

hoolyc00w · 5 years

Text

idkNOw

hello i just wanna say how things went not quite good last year but after all those, here i am. :)

u know how i hate dramas and long ass words but, please allow me to express this. to express myself.

so lately, i dont know where my life is going it's like DUDE IM IN A FREAKING AUTOPILOT MODE :( and that sucks for real. been giving shits at ppl which i unintentionally ever wanted but yeah ok, its done na eh its like i always wanna care to the ppl around me? that i get so tired of giving a damn about them. that's why i tried to go back to the old version of myself where i shut every doors in my life. where i just want to talk to few of the dearest people in my life. yet i get so empty and wonder how and why and where and what did i do to become such a mess like this.

*just randomly thought that i will stop right here because i dont wanna get sad tonight or this year (pls)*

but okay here's why.

1. Ever since i got to college i feel like my world became small because of the people around me even though it will usually make your world big, because duh college has a lot of species haha. But yeah it made my world small. I miss my friends. I miss how i get a lot of sleep before going to school. I miss my life, my highschool life. But it's part of having this life, maybe. And speaking of acads lol yeah, i can "still" cope up with my acads but it's just simply draining and idk it's like, wow teka awat naman. Although i have a day to rest but bruhhh it's not. It's just freaking day to complete the requirements! College pa lng to potek pano na pag trabaho. HAHAHA! And did i tell you ba how i got low scores on my quiz specially to one of the subject that has a terror prof? well God bless me. That freaking day. Made my heart broke into pieces. Tears are real, but you can't cry because you still have a next class tnx p6. Yeah college is fun minus the requirements. But please Lord:( help me pass this semester. Good God please!

2. Here's to me having an indecisive 2018. Well you know how i got into this relationship naman diba with Gab. We good. But sometimes i feel like walls are building ule like hello i'm thinking about school and him and like i can't take the possibility of giving up something to make that one thing happy. Should i give up school? Of course not. Should i give up on him? Better not. It's just really complicated when we get into this small fights and thinking about other stuff excluding him in that scene and i was kinda like thinking of "hmmm why not?" and babalik ule sa dati, we good again. Like you know maybe i think of good stuff just to make me motivated but sometimes thinking about bad stuff will make you strive for more e:) That's one thing that i've learned. See the good, but don't forget the bad side. Balance is the key, always. Speaking of fights. We fight over the stuff that yeah will make each other guilty or sad or have regrets after. Like.... hello inom? this is the year where i could say that man we became a one real ass good liars to our parents everytime we do this. Everytime I do it. It's hard to lie din to yourself minsan e no. Telling yourself to stop it and it won't happen again and then you even promise. But pfft, promises yeahhh are made to be broken:) But still.. patience my friend, patience. Enjoy your youth!

3. The most awaited part... spiritual life. Man where do I start? Hirap. HAHAHA. Pinakamahirap to. Compare mo sa college life mas matimbang to! Minsan mapapaisip ka on how merciful and great the grace of God is ehh. Like man look, the things that i said above are just minor problems eh. This. This is a major prob. It will surely control your life, where you'll go. Okay i admit, i do not do my devos anymore. But i do read, sometimes, when i'm on the train. It's hard to convince yourself that you can do all this things through Christ but you don't really have the heart to praise and worship? Para saan ang ministry if your heart is empty. Minsan napapaiyak ako after i sing to the congregation because i am freaking unworthy to lead the people to God. Do you see how clean my heart is? No. Pero i can feel that it is very full of hatreds and fears. That i just wanna lay all day thinking of when will my time come. But everytime i got assigned to lead, I try to be stronger. I try to encourage people whom I know struggling and I believe that they have also burdens in their heart. Diba? Super ironic on how you feel so weak pero you are also the person who appointed to lift up someone's feeling. 2018 has taught me a lot. From my very downfall to my uphills, I can say that God filled this year with a lot of lessons through every heartbreaks, every tears, every fake smiles and laughs, every silence, every blank stares, every "i'm ok, all is good"— God turned it to "and yet i'm still here".

2018 is such a terrible year. I lost some good friends along the way but I know it's all part of the plan. I lost myself, but God put me right back on the track. In every lost there will always be a gain. Keep on going;

Here's to more breakthrough 2019!

0 notes

survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

Text

Ep. 7: “The LIES” - Amy A

Pedro A

omg so i have 10 coinssssss....and kalle has 9...she just needs to get one more coin...and we can open the jewerly box...and see whats inside....at this point i accept anything....a steal vote ..an idol..whatever...chillleeee this is a mess im going insane...and i hope we win this next challenge

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/gQAhK73mjRc

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/GGtNE0x87pQ

Pedro A

we really need to win this challenge im scared af

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcvdxZYYvZU

James Hayden

We finished our immunity challenge about twenty minutes ago and now we wait. We got a score of 48, which I think is a solid score. Ryan was great at final guessing, Najwah and Amy were great at helping put the questions in the best order, and as a tribe we worked well together. I hope that 48 is enough for us to avoid tribal and for me to make the merge. If we have to go to tribal, I think it could be me. Let's hope 48 is enough to make me dateable.

Ryan

Once again, I am very proud of my tribe. Honestly, if we were to lose I wouldn't mind it, I might actually rather that, maybe that will be my plan for the next challenge. We need the numbers back on Maolas side

Pedro A

omg i hope the other tribes did worste than us...cause chillleeeee im in danger Olivia A.I’m super bummed about losing but also not too worried. As long as Maddison and Grae stick w our original 3 we should be fine. It’s just a matter of whether to vote out Aimee or Sarah. I’ve grown to like them both a lot so this sucks but it is what it is I guess.

Kalle N

I didn't compete in the challenge bc I'm currently moving across the country by myself and I honestly have no idea what happened today. I know Zack was gunning hard to vote me out but we won so oh well. hopefully we merge soon.

Ryan

Soooo i am very happy with the outcome of this challenge. We don’t have to go back to tribal, but Maola do. Hopefully the pre-swap Maola can band together cause I still have faith for my relationship with Maddison and Grae, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Olivia leave (even though she’s sweet)

Ryan

sooooo... fml

Ryan

I should really stop making confessions before I know what’s happening

Ryan

AHHHHHHHHH

Zack M

oh look. another challenge that's a survivor super fan's wet dream. and again, i didn't really contribute because i hate survivor wiki. BUT WE CAME IN 2ND! so we are safe. i honestly knew that james was the biggest threat and i'm not surprised his team won. i'm glad. clap clap for you james! now that means sarah and aimee are in trouble because i don't see the original maola tribe turning on each other. truly hoping sarah has talked her way in and it's aimee unless something crazy happens. i just want my original 5 alliance to be reunited! pedro opened up a little more and said he was down to work together going into the merge. he wants revenge for john being voted out and not being part of the vote? i think. regardless, i did not watch all 4 seasons of revenge on abc for no reason. i'm here to help him get that revenge because then that also give hanuha the numbers again and BAM. back to my 5, then to my 4, and then to my 3. could this actually work? please god let it for my ego. excited to see what comes out of tribal tomorrow.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3SDeVmuzJ8

Zack M

scratch that last confession. new scores and the palena tribe is going to tribal again. i think? maybe it will change again but this is the last time i'm confessing. 2 original maola and 2 original hanuha. hopefully james has the idol because i see najwah flipping so quickly. but it will be interesting to see where she stands going into the merge. i will get justice for you james if she takes you out! again, excited to see what happens at tribal tomorrow.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjRxkFkAuQI

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBg5F786DK0

Sarah

Wow! The Guess Who challenge tonight was so close and at first, we were going to tribal. After advantages and disadvantages were factored in, we were BARELY safe! 😅 During the idol hunt today, I knew that I obviously couldn’t find another idol but I knew that this challenge was going to come so close and that I needed to buy advantages to ensure that I was safe another round. I honestly don’t know where everyone’s head is at on my tribe because they are so quiet so I needed to buy those advantages because I really don’t want to have to play my idol before Merge.... Buying those advantages could be my subtle move in the game. I am so hoping for Merge time soon! I miss my alliance and I miss talking to my best friend for hours about everything.

Ryan

I was planning on voting out Amy, but something Najwah said irked me. She seems very sure that she doesn't want to vote James, which doesn't fill me with confidence if we go to tribal again next challenge. idk what I'm gonna do

Ryan

I genuinely don't know if im cut out for this game. I'd feel alright with cutting most people, but Najwah and Amy seem so genuinely sweet, it'll break my heart to betray either of them

Amy A

This tribal is going to be INSANE. It’s 5 odd hours to tribal council and I DON’T know who I am supposed to vote for. Ryan told me he and James are voting Naj and she told me she and James are voting Ryan and then Ryan told Naj he’s voting me! I know it’s a lot to take in! The only one I’ve Not been told to vote for is James and I don’t even wanna vote him cos he was an absolute rockstar at yesterday’s tribal. I know I’m the reason we’re here so I’m kinda bummed out about it and I trusted Ryan so much I shared my steal-a-vote with him but someone has to go and fingers crossed it isn’t me.

Amy A

Convincing the whole tribe I didn’t get the DA has been hilarious so far. Once Jay confirmed she wouldn’t reveal the name, I was set. The LIES 😂😂😂😂😂. Even insinuated Ryan cos he was scrambling so much today. Didn’t know I had it in me but I guess survivor brings out the best in you. Anyway, all the best to myself for tonight. Hope I’m still here 24 hours from now

Pedro A

im so tired...i havent been sleeping well..i just hope the next challenge is due tomorrow....rn i feel like im fourth in the tribe, which is good

Maddison

Got some good advice on my game and looking forward to implementing strategies to minimize my threat level until the end of the game.

Ben Kessler

I am hoping merge is at 12. After tonight 13 people will be left, and who knows who will have the numbers advantage. I'm currently working on Pedro who wants revenge on his old tribe and I cannot wait to break up those 3 old maolos that are on new maolo. Hopefully if we lose Pedro will be an easy vote out. And then I can slither my way in.

Najwah Last night's challenge was a real bummer. I mean, we were SO CLOSE. It's getting harder to vote people out now and even harder to trust anyone so hopefully the plan tonight works itself out. Whichever plan that is. There are a few plans floating around. Either way, whatever the outcome, I'd just like to sleep in peace tonight. I'm tired.

Ben Kessler

Pedro said that me and him were talking too much game and to "talk about ourselves". I didn't want to tell him I did not want to discuss the vacation that he is on. So now I need to vote him out next. People like talking about themselves I guess.

Pedro A

okay so i have talked with ben, zack and cody LOL.....and they all seem cool...one thing i noticed in bens profile ..is that he only has 2 contacts...that i have....weird...maybe im thinking too much

James Hayden

https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY

Aimee

https://giphy.com/gifs/gIlUSzpqN9xVhekR2r/html5 Whew!!! Just when I thought we lost this last challenge, Jay really went “GOTCHA” and gave us all whiplash. Looks like advantages and disadvantages really can make the difference in these challenges! This tribe swap really did provide a new opportunity for me in this game. Everyone here is so kind, fun-loving, and have similar vibes with me, I love it! We really all get along on a personal level and are bonding on things that aren’t game related, which is a breath of fresh air. Despite being in the minority on this tribe and coming into it with a tribe number disadvantage against three others who I suspect are aligned, it was still honestly such a blessing swapping out with less neurotic people that aren’t constantly draining me for their attention. I feel like a giant weight is off my shoulders and I can focus more on having fun. Even Sarah has been great now that we swapped and is more active, and is now chatting with me daily. I’m so relieved we haven’t had to go to tribal yet as I truly would work with each one of these people if we could all make it to merge!🌈💞 https://sinnohqueen.tumblr.com/post/166307617197 I love that the Hail Mary Reem guess really saved the day. She is iconic! A word we all love to say on this tribe 😊

Grae G

Thank god we didn’t have tribal! I’m really liking all the girls I’m playing w but my allegiance lies w my OG girls for now

Ryan

I think I’ve finally made up my mind

#episodes

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