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#and some old medicine and post its and even some buttons i thought id lost
adecila
ยท
2 years
Text
Tw infertility
#i have this thing where i keep hanging onto objects because i attach them to a certain moment in my life
#so they end up in drawers and boxes little buried treasures for me to find
#we changed our nightstands. and i had to go through my old one
#somewhere in the back of my mind i must have known why i kept refusing to go through it
#why i kept putting it off
#underneath the knicks and knacks and the highlighters and all the pens
#and some old medicine and post its and even some buttons i thought id lost
#were 6 pages neatly folded. meant to be forgotten because i just couldn't throw them away at the time
#every tracked cycle. and every measurement of my ovaries and ovules neatly documented. with a complete list of meds and supplements
#because ofc i was being pumped full of those too
#every failed iui tracked to the very last detail--to the hour
#so here i am on the floor of my bedroom 5 years later staring at those 6 pages
#proof of the worst days of my life
#it's funny because i kept telling myself then that there would be a point to it all to all the pain and the tears and the prodding
#and the only way i could push through at the time was write 'failed :(' next to each cycle
#and now i still feel like a 'failed :(' person
#on the very last page there's still 'failed' written next to it. and you can tell there used to be a :( too
#but not anymore because over it theres a heart in black and blue pen
#and i have no recollection of it but it must have been me
#and on the corner of the same page i seem to have written 'it's ok'
#not that i remember but it is my handwriting. and it is the way i draw hearts
#i guess i've always got me
#im sure there's some deeper message here but now im feeling the post-cryimg crash
#and i have stuff to arrange
#I've added a trigger warning just in case
#i still dont know what to do with my 6 pages
#love you. it's ok.
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