#every tracked cycle. and every measurement of my ovaries and ovules neatly documented. with a complete list of meds and supplements

[adecila]

Tw infertility

#i have this thing where i keep hanging onto objects because i attach them to a certain moment in my life #so they end up in drawers and boxes little buried treasures for me to find #we changed our nightstands. and i had to go through my old one #somewhere in the back of my mind i must have known why i kept refusing to go through it #why i kept putting it off #underneath the knicks and knacks and the highlighters and all the pens #and some old medicine and post its and even some buttons i thought id lost #were 6 pages neatly folded. meant to be forgotten because i just couldn't throw them away at the time #every tracked cycle. and every measurement of my ovaries and ovules neatly documented. with a complete list of meds and supplements #because ofc i was being pumped full of those too #every failed iui tracked to the very last detail--to the hour #so here i am on the floor of my bedroom 5 years later staring at those 6 pages #proof of the worst days of my life #it's funny because i kept telling myself then that there would be a point to it all to all the pain and the tears and the prodding #and the only way i could push through at the time was write 'failed :(' next to each cycle #and now i still feel like a 'failed :(' person #on the very last page there's still 'failed' written next to it. and you can tell there used to be a :( too #but not anymore because over it theres a heart in black and blue pen #and i have no recollection of it but it must have been me #and on the corner of the same page i seem to have written 'it's ok' #not that i remember but it is my handwriting. and it is the way i draw hearts #i guess i've always got me #im sure there's some deeper message here but now im feeling the post-cryimg crash #and i have stuff to arrange #I've added a trigger warning just in case #i still dont know what to do with my 6 pages #love you. it's ok.