#and then some couldn't find again sadly; 2023 found with that search and two others from window stars are standing in for one I didn't | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justine-the-guillotine · 6 months

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About a month ago, I found out two different, formerly-very-close-but-since-estranged, people to me passed away recently.

I found out one because I randomly decided to check my FB message requests and saw a request pending from her husband who actually reached out to me almost immediately after it happened: "I know you two didn't talk anymore, but I thought you should know--"

She died because of her health conditions and ailments and not wanting to fight anymore.

We were no longer talking because despite having a very intense best friendship over ten years ago, we had a huge falling out that felt like betrayal and she hurt me so much I decided to never forgive her. We connected only twice afterwards.

The other one I found out about because I just had a sinking feeling and I went searching for it. And I found what I was searching for. He died, ironically, coincidentally, sadly, in-a-way-that-had-nothing-to-do-with-me, on May 27, 2023. I was out of town and having one of the best nights of my life.

I can't find the exact cause of death for him (rather, I did not dig deep enough) but it was likely an overdose. The last I heard of him was he wanted to get clean and couldn't. He just couldn't. He missed his mom a lot.

We were no longer in touch because, even though he was the love of my life in our teenage years before we both realized he was gay gay, not bisexual, it can be difficult to stay in touch with people you love when drugs and a town you both were hurt so much are involved. After high school, we drove around town together when we were in college. I would meet his mom. A couple of years later, a mutual friend made it so he could surprise me at a birthday dinner. The next time I saw him was in a YouTube video when someone profiled him for his addiction.

Finding out about these deaths were ... Interesting, to use possibly the most basic word I could to describe something that is so much more than that. I had already mourned these two people leaving my life back when they were still alive. Do I mourn them again, knowing now it is permanent? Am I even allowed to mourn them again, knowing I didn't try harder to keep either one in my life?

I am different (matured, grown, weathered) nowadays in many ways but the same in some. I sometimes wish I would fight harder for people to stay, but nowadays I don't push people away if they come seeking me out again. How can I hold grudges when life is so fragile, so fleeting, so constantly changing. We are always different people. We are always the same people.

Both of these people had loved ones who mourned them after they passed. They didn't need me. They didn't miss me at their death beds. I likely wasn't a thought to either one. Or maybe that's something I would like to believe. I don't know what is more arrogant. These were once two very important people to me but who knows if it was reciprocated. If our time together was still thought about for either of them. Maybe it's just me who doesn't forget or doesn't really move on from people I love(d). I don't even know who else entered their lives after I was no longer in it. I don't know who else was able to stay for them. Who else was there for them. Who is actually allowed to mourn them.

I do know neither one have visited me in my dreams and I think that's where I should leave it. Both of them done with me even after they died. It's okay, it's their right. I'll continue to think about them anyway.

#tw: death #I'm a bloggin' girl ✨#just justine ✨#text post #i have been trying to write about this for a month so tell me why i woke up at 6:30 am and this just poured out of me

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