#and tomorrow im going to get up and make another adult phonecall and ask nicely about my prescription and if I can switch or if switching

[theood]

I've been making so many adult phone calls recently and now Im playing will my doctor fill my t prescription, they haven't gotten back to me I've been off T since the day after my one month mark, they needed PA for my insurance to cover it, "we'll get back to you in one to two business days" it's been much longer, the pharmacy wont tell me when PA is required leaving me to wait longer, I still don't have a job, I have to call my doctor tomorrow to ask whats going on. If I get told anything with my insurance is fucky, that the PA didn't go through, I have to pay out of pocket I can't afford my T. I was so fucking happy to start it, I was over the moon I FELT happier, I was so excited to wake up every day, I haven't felt like that in so long and it all got torn from under me and I am trying to hard to stay positive and that it will all be okay because it HAS to be okay because I chose to live, because I chose to keep going, because I want to be alive, but all of this really takes it toll and I am just tired. I am so tired of being the adult. I've been playing adult for so long I want to step back and I cant and I have to keep going because that's just life and I just want one stable thing again

I want to be on T again. I want to be happy. I want to be myself. I chose to be happy why is that so hard too keep

#elias.zip #I guess. im not going to lie I feel very fucking defeated. I got told I would get an email from a place I applied to tonight. I will give #her a couple days bfore I try calling again and hope they don't blacklist me. Im going to ask to switch to shots because I cant keep doing #this PA stuff. I cant. i just want to get my T at reasonable times and have it when I need it. Why does everyone else get to have it no pr #oblem and I dont? I am doinf my best to stay positive I am trying to change how I let my internal dialogue talk but man it feels so fucking #right to me that I should just give up. Starting T was a joke. Im never getting on it again. I'll be 30 and no ones going to know Elias be #cause he doesnt exist and im never going to hear my name said and I was never meant to be happy and I will rot in my room just like I did #when I was younger and I never really left my childhood home. and I never grew up #and tomorrow im going to get up and make another adult phonecall and ask nicely about my prescription and if I can switch or if switching #would negate the PA request I am not told about and I will have to scrounge for money and save every penny and tell the voices #thank you for helping and hang up and go on with my day where I do nothing because I am nothing and then I will smile at everyone and #say I love you #I dont even have any money for shots or for needles. sure my insurance says they cover shots and shots usually provide less trouble but w #hat about the needles. the disposal. a safe place to put those. i cant ask my mom and dad. im alone in this. i cant pay anyone back. no #place wants a deadbeat as a hire and thats all I am to any job no matter how hopeful I come in. no one wants to work with me. no one wants #to train me. my teacher was right on how I was going to grow up. #and yet. again. tomorrow im going to wake up and go 'this is fine' and im going to call and act like everything is ok and assure myself its #ok because it has to be. if I tell myself that enough it has to be true. thats how it works #fake it till you make it and all that #just. man all the adults in my life were right about me lol

[tumblunni]

Man today was A Chore. I got some good stuff done in the end but the middle of it felt awful and im just relieved it ended on a better note i guess? I had to spend like three hours sitting waiting for a package listening to some horrid old ladies talk about how child abuse is great and all the flaws of modern life stem from the fact we dont smack kids anymore. And like..fuckin.. "Ha ha remember how we used to fail all our classes and lie and hide our grades because we were scared of our parents and do anything to try and make the beatings hurt less BUT NOW IM AN ADULT I KNOW MY PARENTS WERE TOTALLY RIGHT YES" And friggin discussing all these beatings and LAUGHIng?? Laughing about being beaten and about going on to beat their own kids like ha ha this is so fuckin normal and just the logical conclusion of everything?? Like these were GOOD MEMORIES?? Fuck man i was like that gif of the dude with the giant vein in his head it was SO HARD to just sit there and try not to hear what they were saying. I actually ended up buying like 20 scratchcards just cos i was running on autopilot and trying anything to distract myself. (Only wasted 10 pound tho cos i won a few quid along the way and lost it again lol)

And gahhhhh after all that waiting i just get told my package didnt arrive today and i just have to come back tomorrow! So i went home super depressed and had to try and talk myself out of it and yeah. AND THEN i get a phonecall from the post office literally right then, saying 'yo whoops the parcel arrived a lil late, come get it before we close'. It was kinda funny, like me conquering myanxiety self hateness actually summoned a good luck better resolution to the story?? And i rushed down there and managed to get the parcel and all the post office people were REALLY NICE,like they'd gone kinda mom friend on me from seeing me come in and out asking for this parcel for the whole entire day. I dont know either of their names but thank you nice red hair lady in charge of the parcels and scratchcard corner grandma who chatted with me! If i see them again another day i have to go into the post office, i'll be sure to say thanks!

So yeah anyway i FINALLY have everything sorted now to do my Lets Play of the new pokemon game! I probably wont be able to start it til saturday evening or sunday morning though? Cos tomorrow i have the Big Stress of meeting again with my estranged sister and hoping i can maybe repair our bond. I dunno how long we're gonna hang out or even what we're gonna do or if its gonna go well, aaaa!! And then on saturday i need to wake up super early and catch a million buses to get to a cool art class place. Maan its been a busy week lol!

Oh!! And the stuff of actual success today!! Cos yeah some stuff did go well before the big post office trashness, and i need to focus on that instead of the awkward middle. Big good thing the number 1! I met with my support worker and had a really nice meeting in the new cafe in the local library. She was just super nice and gave me a great motivational talk about how i was handling this whole sister thing really well and she was proud of me. She said she got my voicemail i left for her during the whole thing and she was really sorry she was late replying to it and she was really worried how it all went. I totally forgot i even sent her that voicemail during all the mess! So i just got caught up in the panic and forgot to call her back, aaa!! Im glad she knows im okay now! And we had a nice hot chocolate and she said she's also proud of the progress i've made in going out and being social more often, pointing out how when she first met me i was too nervous to go to this cafe and now we're havong a nice day here. And i was like "but thats not a very big accomplishment" and she was like "ITS BIG ENOUGH, BUNNI!!!" Dammnit what did i do to deserve these kind people? *sniff*

Oh, and then she also helped me learn how to post an international package and IT IS FINALLY DONE!! Summon-daze, keep an eye out for parcel number 1, containing 25% of all the books i have for you!! They said it should reach you between 5 to 14 days. Sorry its so long, it seems the christmas rush starts a whole damn month early! *sigh* And i feel proud of myself for pulling it off, it was so stressy and embarassing aaaa. Just the soul pain of asking so many questions of the post office lady and holding up the line and having to go back and forth and be like 'is the parcel ok now? No?' *awkwardly crabwalks back again* But now i know! And i can definateky handle it all better next time! And aaaaa i just really hope it all goes well and i hope she likes the books and i hope i can afford to send the rest soon!

And then also i was brave enough to go to the other cafe too! I had to kill a lot of time so i had a second hot chocolate at the other place lol. That one is more busy and standard restauranty instead of a small library place, so its a little more imposing. And i actually had a small sandwich too! Somehow eating things in public is one degree more scary than drinking a drink? Dont ask me to explain my anxiety lol, even i dont know! XD it was weird eating a sandwich with a knife and fork tho?? Like the lady just gave me a knife and fork and i felt too polite to say 'umm actually i ordered a sandwich so here have them back'. It was a toasted cheese so the bread was all warm and chewy and really hard to cut! Really really nice though, it helped heal my soul from all the stress. Oh and i tried an american root beer for the first time! Its so cool and weird! Like a slightly bitter/salty sweetness combo? And how it foams up like beer even though its a soda??? Thats so WEIRD AND NEATO!!! Oh and umm maybe i should give myself some points for making conversation with the post office people too? I was so awkward and anxietyish so i feel proud that i managed to articulate myself well enough to actually ask for my parcel, and then they were just so nice and tried to chat with me and i...vaguely managed to chat back, lol.

Oh oh oh! And also i bought a shoes! I shall officially dub them The Murder Shoes~! It was a really good deal in a clearance thing at the supermarket, for shoes that actually looked pretty awesome! These big neat boots covered in WAY TOO MANY metal studs and belts and awesomeness! Theyre like goth cowboy aesthetic?? I love them, i dont have too many professional shoes and these are that but also funky cool!

So yeah several good things happened but the bad bit in the middle was just so long and frustrating that it left me in a big downer mood where it was easy to forget the good stuff. Writing it out like this kinda helps! And also to remember i have stuff to look forward to for the rest of the week! And, well, more challenges to face, but i feel more optimistic now!